2/24/08 The easy weekend

Yesterday, I went scrapbooking with my Mom friends, which happened to coincide with Dave taking Gabriel back to Stanford to participate as a subject in language study. A perfectly reasonable thing to do with the other two in tow anyway.

Except that my car had a flat tire! "My" car being the only one set up to take all three. Now what?

Well, we discovered in a pinch that we *can* fit all three in the back of Dave's car, provided Gabriel doesn't use a booster seat. He wasn't too happy about sitting on towels, but felt better once I noodged Katrina's seat over a little.


Good thing he's so skinny!

Luckily the tire could be repaired and my car is back in commission.

Thanks in large part to a sleepover Saturday night, we somehow had a fairly relaxed weekend. After making breakfast this morning, I took all three to the Y, where an afternoon disaster almost occurred: Katrina fell asleep at the Y's childwatch. But, she was still tired later and took a nice solid nap. I spent some nice downtime with the boys, helping them with things they were working on, talking to them about their various discoveries and projects. My goodness, life is easier when the youngest child around is 4!

We usually pay dearly the day after a sleepover, with tired grouchy children. Not so much this time, though Julian did take an impromptu nap with his head on a Music Together CD case. Katrina was tired today too, but that also meant a long nap and only a few of those frustrating "aggh!' moments when a toddler is impossible to please.

Toddler? It's almost official, I think. I didn't see her crawl today, though she did as recently as Friday. Certainly in terms of behavior -- and cuteness -- she's all toddler now!

School's in tomorrow...back to the mad scramble!

2/24/08

2/22/08 The Jungle

Gabriel had a field trip to The Jungle Island today (which happens to be in the same San Jose strip mall I'm going to tomorrow for scrapbooking!). Two weeks ago, Gabriel and Julian went to The Jungle for a birthday party, and they got stuck in one of the play tunnels. Dave happened to see them from a ramp and was able to talk them through getting out, including instructing Gabriel to boost a tearful Julian up through a hole.

So when Gabriel joined his siblings in the car today after his field trip, Julian asked wide-eyed, "Did you get stuck?"

Later, Gabriel explained that he went in the tunnels up to "about 36 feet." Dave and I chuckled and asked him if he could be a little more specific, but he didn't get it. He said that's as high as he'd go, and we asked why he didn't go higher, and he answered matter-of-factly, "I didn't need to." Then he said the highest was 40 feet. I wonder if the structures are marked, because 36 feet is a pretty darned accurate guess for a kid who thinks 20 miles would take 16 hours to drive.

Thank goodness for the CDC and other birthday parents taking kids to The Jungle!

2/22/08

2/21/08 Grumpy Girl

Katrina...grumpy, tired, hungry? Or just being Katrina again? I was surprised at how fussy she was in music class today, as she loves it. Usually she lights up and laughs or pays attention or walks around showing off, but today she was edgy and cried a lot.

Fortunately, the instruments rescued her mood for a while, and even more fortunately, after a nap at Melissa's, she was in good shape. I was worried that since I wasn't feeling well yesterday, she might follow suit. We can't handle an illness right now!

Despite my feeling new pressure at work, and missing a day yesterday, I was really glad for the forced break this morning. I love my precious hour with Katrina alone on Thursday mornings before music class, even though I spend much of it zipping about catering to her every little toddler whim, changing stinkies, rescuing her from getting beached on top of footstools. It's funny that now, getting to a 9:30 class seems so easy, whereas with Gabriel I could barely make it to a 10:30 class!

I had a fun Mom's Night Out with the 2004 group, hosted by a friend who just finished a massive move-out remodel of her home. I'm inspired and encouraged seeing a house that's actually done, especially since I saw it this summer before it was done. Now they live there, and it's not a project, it's a home. I can't imagine!

Yes I can, and I can't wait! Until it's over, that is. (Note that the Title of this post isn't just about Katrina....)

2/21/08

2/20/08 Childhood games

Ah, such innocent fun. Gabriel's at the CDC "camp" this week (school's in mid-year recess), and in addition to main organized activities and playground play, they also do a lot of simple sorts of games with them. Gabriel came home with a string in a loop and showed Julian how to do a "Cat's Cradle." I remember many fun hours playing Cat's Cradle and other string games as a kid!

Gabriel was also all excited about playing "I spy" today, and wanted to again tonight. Though I wasn't feeling well and have a lot to do tonight, I thought, "this is what it's all about," and sat down and played I Spy with the boys. They were so excited about it, I had to keep interrupting the game to tell them to quit jumping on the couch! Then I taught them "Hot and Cold," which I thought would be easy for them, but they both only moved in two dimensions, and eventually the game devolved to a free-for-all of running around like mad giggling like crazy. Which, of course, is the most important and classic childhood game.

Cat's Cradle, I Spy, Hot and Cold, Mayhem -- so far, these things have survived the video-game era!

Then, more childhood fun: making cookies with Mom. I made these Traffic Light cookies for my cookie exchange party tomorrow, but due to unforeseen technical difficulties, I didn't have enough to give the boys! So I had to make more. And, they helped me. I'm glad I thought to cut up gumdrops instead of use colored sugar for the lights, since it was easier for them to fill in the traffic light "holes."


I love doing stuff like this. Maybe I like it better these days because I can't do it all the time anymore, but still, I think I'm now more Barbara Bush than Hillary Clinton.

I had to bail from work today, because of a very unhappy tummy that bugged me all morning, then again later this evening. But I think I'll be OK for music tomorrow, and for the cookie exchange party too. It'd take a lot to keep me from that!

2/20/08

2/19/08 Three standing

I finally got my first photo of all three standing up together!

Oh my, it just makes my heart swell to see them all together like this. What a lucky, lucky little girl to have these two adoring brothers!

Unfortunately, the reality is more like this one. Katrina doesn't want help from her brothers, and mostly pushes them away and screeches to free her hands. Too bad, 'cause it sure makes for cute photos.


"I gotta walk quick or I'll fall!!"


Julian asked me today, "Can you feel air?" I had a decent answer, I thought: "Sometimes, like with wind." Shoulda known, it was a trick question for which he already had an answer in mind, and that wasn't it. It had something to do with opening and closing your hand fast enough.

Melissa told me today that Katrina is saying "yes" and "no." That's new!

I just filled out one of these speech surveys for the Center for Infant Studies at Stanford, where I've volunteered all 3 as subjects in various language studies. Gabriel's going back this coming Saturday, as he's a particularly valuable subject in studies looking at formerly speech-delayed children.

Filling out these surveys in the past are what sparked me to make a note of their words. It was easy for Gabriel at 18 months: zip, though much of the survey includes questions about gestures they make, and words they recognize even if they don't say them. Gabriel lacked many typical gestures too, like handing you things, pointing, pretending to put clothes on. Julian, it was a lot more work, and it was thanks to this that I counted 100 words for Julian at 16 months.

Katrina's in the middle, and adding words and sounds a bit at a time. No speech delay, no speech advance, just smack dab normal.

For now I can identify the following "words" she makes:

muh (milk)
shee (shoe)
nuh (nose)
bee-bee (baby)
boo? (bird)
boo? (book)
na-na (night-night)
yay!
uh-oh
oops
mama
dada

But one thing I've just realized today is her attraction to rhythms. She loves to "count," though I doubt she knows what the numbers mean, she clearly says "fie...sih...seben..." in a sing-song tone. Melissa said today that she played the Music Together CD for Katrina today, and that she flipped when she heard the Hello song, looking all around for the group, then sat down and clapped her hands against her knees. She's only seen the Hello song in class three times!

So tonight I played our new Music Together CD (finally!) while I was feeding her, and I was floored when she imitated "beep-beep-beep" in the song "Riding in the car." I remember now she'd imitated some "tonal patterns" in class last week, but I'd brushed it off as a random accident. I don't think so now.

Then tonight as I was putting her to bed, I semi-sang, "bedtime, bedtime...." -- and to my surprise, she imitated the sounds with "na-na, na-na...".

This fascinates me. Even Julian, who loved to sing (still does), never did this. Now that I think about it, there are many times over the past few weeks that she's imitated a rhythm and I wrote it off, not believing she'd do that the first or second time she hears one. Actual words are much harder-won, they come and go and take weeks to stick, which is probably why I haven't noticed this affinity for rhythm or songlike patterns. Naturally, as a mom, my imagination runs away with me...do I have the next Christina Aguilera on my hands? (probably not!)

One more thought on brothers....it's been all over the news today that Fidel Castro has resigned, formally acknowledging a handoff of power that happened a year ago to his younger brother Rahul. What strikes me is that every time I hear the story, they refer to Rahul as Fidel's "younger" brother. These men are 77 and 81!! Pointing out who's younger hardly seems relevant at this stage of their lives!

But it is relevant, because they're brothers. Decades of adulthood, yet the relationship formed in the relatively short time they spent as children together is permanent. And we as news listeners all seem to understand what that means. Gabriel and Julian too will never transcend the fact that they'll spend 16 years of their lives in the same household with Gabriel being 2 years older.

But will Katrina survive 14 years of her life with two older brothers in the same household? Will they?!

2/19/08

2/18/08 Decisions, decisions

I need to learn how to make difficult decisions. I'm terrible at it. I wind my way around all the ins and outs, all the possible scenarios, rationalize each detail -- only to mask what really ends up making the decision: gut feel. I can't bring myself to cut out anything substantial in our upstairs remodel plan, even things I care about less than others (such as fixing our strange master bedroom layout). "What if....?" Yet I also want to find ways to make the hefty cost more palatable.

My relatively plum work situation is going quickly the way of "fish or get off the boat." My manager told me today that my company is not renewing contracts past July, and urged me once again to join as a part-time, but permanent, employee. I'm already horribly torn about it. On the one hand, I've wanted to work independently for years, and I'm truly ready for a different company, and a better location. Accepting another job there reminds me of Ashley in Gone With The Wind, dejected after Scarlett manipulated him into staying in Atlanta, rather than become financially independent by accepting a banking job in New York. "If I stay here with you," he said, "I'll never stand alone again."

On the other hand, a part-time flexible job is exactly what I need. The lesser pressure of not being a contractor would be nice, and I'd actually build vacation again, and be able to participate in a retirement plan for the first time in years. As an employee, I could expand into interesting new projects, as the reluctant network engineer in me is still sleepily interested in networking.

But the permanence of it is almost heartbreaking when I look at my blooming baby, who at 16 months old is bursting with new sayings, new discoveries, and for whom walking around in her half-stumble walk is a joyous new venture. I want to do park playgroups with her, swim lessons in the summer, and just have her around at home while I experiment in the kitchen. Julian wants to take ice skating lessons again, and at 4, parent-tot skating classes are one of the last activities I can do with him (not to mention a nice excuse for me to skate a little too!). And, while this doesn't torment me like it did at first, I'd still like to pick Gabriel up from school sometimes.

Work more, home less...much of how I've come to know this house, how I use the spaces, how I want it to work, revolves around my "working" here -- as a full-time Mom, that is. But it's a very difference place if it's only what I come home to, rather than be with all day.

Still, I don't think my working for The Man is a long-term thing. I'd thought I'd have one last hurrah, maybe. Going back to the same company again is hardly a hurrah, but the flexibility can't be beat. I guess that helps make the decision, or rule out other possible avenues. Part-time and flexible are musts.

A wise friend once told me that she'd found that more time often doesn't help with difficult decisions. She's right. So often, it's a matter of throwing away the pros-and-cons list, clearing your mind, and getting in touch with your basic instinct. Running was a great way to do this; something about being outside in a park, just me and the trail and trees and sky, that helped put me in touch with what I really feel. (Unfortunately, all I feel now from running is sharp achy feelings in my now-all-too-familiar tibialis posterior tendon.)


In the face of all this change, I made a point this evening of spending real time with my children this evening. Katrina is having so much fun walking, or sort-of walking. She's still very clumsy, trips a lot, and falls back to crawling, but she loves taking off and trying to walk as fast as she can. Tonight she spent a lot of time going around the "column" around the living room, dining room, and kitchen, laughing her head off. "Yayyy!" is the latest expression, she claps and applauds all the time now (especially at herself).

(On a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 is "grandparent-level-interest" and 5 is "mildly interesting to all", today's videos are at about a 1! Which is more than I can say for most of my videos.)



The boys love this book "Octonauts" that Aunt Laura and Uncle Ryan got them -- signed by the authors! I'm ashamed to say I don't recall the story of how they found this book, but I do remember it was a good one. They always find the best books.

The reading in this book is more advanced than I expected Gabriel to understand, but
he was doing well enough with it that I thought I'd take some video. (He reads words really well, but that doesn't mean he understands the meaning of the sentence or story.)

In addition to a few seconds of his reading, I also captured a minor conflict between him and Julian. Normally I wouldn't have let Gabriel's hitting Julian go -- I know it happens between them ALL the time; but I do have to make a show of not allowing it. But I was filming. Watching this later, I personally find Julian's empty threats pretty funny, and Gabriel is obviously not in the least bit concerned! They get back to reading pretty quickly, which is another reason that much of the time, pretending not to see a conflict works out best.

(In retrospect, this almost isn't worth posting, because it's about as benign a conflict as we get around here.)

I have a cookie exchange party coming up, and a fabulous new cookie book I have has a great idea: traffic light cookies! Gabriel loved the idea, so I took him with me to Michael's to find a tiny round cookie-cutter (they were out, darn it, but I think we found a workaround). I also bought some disposable pastry-deocrating bags, and when the total came to about $16, Gabriel said, "$16...hmm, that's not too bad, Mom," making the cashier laugh aloud. He just seemed so sincere,so grown-up, but the words and the delivery coming from this skinny little pipsqueak make for an amusing combination. After we got back from Michael's, we made the cookie dough together.

One thing I will say about having three, and I imagine this gets truer with more children, time alone with any one of them becomes all the more precious (and time with all of them together decidedly less!). They're one decision I'm very happy about.

2/17/08 Old friends

This was a rare treat -- indeed, it's never happened before: a visit from my longtime friend Hillary! She and her daughter and son (ages 15 and 12) are visiting the West Coast for a few days, so we got to see them this morning.

After breakfast, Dave took the boys to the BMX park -- all of them, as Hillary's son joined them with his skateboard. Hill and her daughter and I chatted outside while Katrina took a nap, until her son called to say he was bored. Hillary and her daughter went to pick him up and then continued on Monterey for the rest of their trip.

It's been far too long, and the few hours we had to catch up only showed how much more time we need. But it's been that way for years; brief visits here and there, always leaving with 100 things more to say than were said -- and it will continue to be until we're not both bound by children's schedules. Hard to believe Hillary and I made friends when we were younger than Gabriel! I'm glad she finally had a chance to meet my children though, and that Julian was in Prince Charming mode (such a friendly little guy).

Gabriel was very excited by the blooms on the sad scrap that remains of our almond tree today.

We tried to go see the Willow Glen house I saw yesterday -- the whole family -- but, the open house had closed over a half hour early. How annoying!

Still, peeking in the windows, I was able to remind myself that one problem I'd have in this new house, again, is isolation in the kitchen, as it's not really connected to a family room. Better than what I have now, but a far cry from what I will have. I'm reluctant to move to avoid remodeling, and just end up needing to remodel anyway.

This house did have two bedrooms downstairs, one with its own bathroom, much like what we're planning on (though the Willow Glen house is over 4000 square feet, much larger than what we'll end up with). That same feature I'm toying with not doing, because it adds substantially to the costs.

The kids sure had fun looking at the outside of the house though. Katrina and her unsteady scramble cruised all up and down (and almost into) the street, while the boys played tag with the trees in front of the house.


OK, looks like we're staying and remodeling. Let the bleed begin. Gulp.

2/17/08

2/16/08 The Question

Driving along this afternoon with just Julian (a rare treat), he asked me, "Mommy, do you like cigarettes?"

My goodness, I didn't even think he knew what cigarettes are! So I asked where he'd heard about them, and he said, "Dad told me." As is usually the case with 4-year-olds, I couldn't get a straight story about why they were talking about cigarettes, but he seemed satisfied with my confirmation that they're smelly, unhealthy, icky and that I don't like them.

We came thiiiis close to another Doudna boy crashing a birthday party. Julian knew we were only dropping Gabriel off, but I got chatting with Betsy, and next thing I knew, Julian was ensconced in the birthday party's treasure hunt (what a great idea!). Yipes, not again! OK, I get it now: don't even bring siblings along for dropping off at parties, let alone to watch them. Katrina, yes, but Julian is too close in age to Gabriel to be asked to just watch and wait for me. I managed to scootch him out discreetly, and while he was sad at first (so was I, he was already having SO much fun, my fault!), and we had a nice time together.

First we went to an open house in Willow Glen. My intent was to convince ourselves once again that the massive investment we're about to make into our house is the right avenue, rather than moving. And if we were to move, moving to a neighborhood I like would be a must. This house was very nicely located in Willow Glen, and on the way we passed a party at a park down the block, and saw kids out riding scooters on the sidewalks, people walking their dogs, and general neighborhood sorts of things we just don't have here in sterile Sunnyvale.

Julian thought the house was haunted at first, but I had him "help" me find bathrooms and closets. This house in particular was really interesting -- Dave and I would have bought it in a heartbeat in 1999 when we bought this house. Funky, different, lots of rooms, two staircases, built-ins and triangular goofy closets, a real basement, sunny and pleasant. It had lots of intangible welcoming aspects like a really wide front foyer, and a kitchen island that overlooks the curtailed yard. Not nearly as much of a yard as we have now, but given the cost of landscaping, that could be a good thing.

But I'm experienced with funky living now, and I can quickly recognize things that would have to change. Starting with: the kitchen. It sure looks nice, and it's well-located, but the cabinets are cheap, doors don't close right, drawers wiggle, there's very little pantry space, and the island is too far away from the rest of it. A new kitchen would be a must, though it wouldn't have to actually move, and what's there is still an improvement over what I have (not saying much). The bathrooms were interesting, but cramped, and "interesting" (like a tub without a tub -- just a tiled-in hole) often means "not useful."

In terms of space, moving there would be better (over 4000 sq.ft!), and it has lots of spaces I can easily see using (a whole loft area for kids to play for instance, and a big landing on the second story). In terms of satisfaction...well, there's the rub, huh. This one, it's hard to say. It's much brighter and cheerier than our house, and it's the first one I've seen in a while I can actually picture living in.

Julian had a great time at this open house, largely because a man visiting from New York was there with his 4-year-old son, and the two boys made friends instantly. The pass-through closet with one door into the hall and another door into a room was great fun for them, along with countless other niches and closets and places to hide together. The boy even asked Julian if he wanted to come over to his grandmother's house (they were visiting her down the street) to play. Now that's neighborhoody!

2/16/08

2/15/08 Packed

Boy it was a busy day: physical therapy, work, remodel-shopping, architect-meeting, Date Night in Palo Alto. bedtime!

2/14/08 The Sleep

I did something totally rad last night: I stayed up until I was tired, then went to bed and slept until I wasn't tired anymore, then woke up (with a little help from a happily yakking crib-bound baby) and got up. Instead of anxiously telling myself to get to bed early so I'd get more sleep, and having a hard time falling asleep and waking up numerous times during the night, I actually slept through the night for the first time in weeks. What a difference. I almost felt normal today. There's no way around it. I'm a night person, through and through, and going to bed "early" just doesn't work.

It helped too that I had a nice relaxed morning. Katrina woke up late too (7:45am) and played in her crib while I got dressed, then she and I had a very nice morning alone together before music class. I thought I'd get a few things done, but just didn't feel like it. I did a little dinner preparation in the kitchen while "chatting" with Katrina as she played in the family room, stopping to sit and play with her a few moments at a time, but didn't pressure myself to do much beyond hang out.

Then, off to music class, where once again, Katrina had a fantastic time. I think she really likes being around other kids and people, and she seems pretty engaged in the class (as engaged as 16-month-olds get into anything).

Today she had fun playing with the sticks.


And the drums.


She also stops and pays attention whenever the teacher plays the flute. Well, pays attention to the flute until I pull out the camera, which distracts her, so I can never get a picture of that. I have to stop taking pictures in class, since it pulls her out of her musical reverie, but it's hard to resist capturing moments of her having such a good time.

There's a lot of pink in the background! This class is mostly girls, the first music class I've ever had that wasn't either mostly or all boys, and being Valentine's Day and all, the pink was out in full force. I forgot all about V-day when I picked her clothes last night, but fortunately I happened to pick some that fit the basic color theme.

Once again, I was in a great mood all day thinking of her happy little face in music class -- and indeed, starting off the day surrounded by happy little faces.

Still a little crawling, but I think I can safely call her a toddler now!

The boys came home with boatloads of candy and cards from their classmates, some of them very creative and with a great deal of effort put into them. Not ours, naturally. Sorry, guys.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2/14/08

2/13/08 The Screwup

I just can't get this right. Today, Melissa told me I could pick up Katrina from Tonya's -- always a boon for me, a lot less driving. So what did I do when I left work at 4pm? Drove straight to Melissa's!!! ARRGH!

Then when I tried to pick Gabriel up at the CDC, he had at least 10 minutes of cleanup to do. I had to leave him and come back, since it was 5:15 and Tonya would soon close and I had to get Katrina. More ARRRGH.

Dave and I had a heart-to-heart with our finances and decided not to move after all. No matter how we look at it, upgrading our current living conditions is going to cost us a boatload. With remodeling, the ultimate satisfaction will (probably? hopefully? be higher). Even if I have to work to pay for it, thus not actually being in my new home much.

Still, even talking about moving, or facing the reality of remodeling, is intensely stressful, and the cracks are starting to show. Why would that be? Things are basically good: I'm thrilled with the remodel plans (except the costs of course), I'm actually liking work these days, Katrina is walking and in an overwhelmingly adorable phase.

But something is rumbling underneath, like boiling lava just under the surface. Is it my usual love-hate relationship with change: I need the shakeup, but at the same time, it unsettles me? When we moved into our house over 8 years ago, I noticed the interesting phenomenon that while I embrace and look for change much more than Dave does, he handles change a lot better than I do. He's just not the sort to get rattled. But I am, and moreso, it's like I need to be rattled. Reminds me of many a daunting terrifying steep hill or rocky river crossing on many a dual-sport ride, that my riding pals all said they'd ride my bike through for me if I wanted, and yet, paralyzed with fear and dumbstruck with apprehension, and so not having fun, I tried anyway. These days the perils are more emotional than physical, but it's still the same personality trait that dogs me, drives me crazy, divides me, pushes me.

And at the moment, it's causing me to lose my mind. How many more screwups can I make? First Monday, I go through monumental effort to get to an appointment that very clearly was written for the next day. Today, I forget a fabulous time windfall and cost myself an unnecessary 25 minutes of driving. Countless other times during the day, I find myself looking into a closet or pantry or a room and don't remember why I'm there.

When I got home with all 3 today, I wanted to do the boys' Valentines with them. But of course, dinner preparations and Katrina care made that impossible. I was able to get them started, but what should have been a fun activity together turned into a drudgerous chore.

I did get Gabriel to start his Valentines a few days ago, and good thing, because with 33 names to write and his own to sign on each one, it took several iterations. After dinner, we taped chocolates to each Valentine and sealed them, and that was fun to do with him....or would have been if I didn't have to pester Julian to write his teacher's name on a Valentine. If I didn't have to make lunches and get everyone's clothes together for the next day, the evening wouldn't have so much pressure, and every other word out of my mouth wouldn't be "Not now, later." But then the morning would be awful.

Oddly enough, I'm starting to like work. I still don't like the actual technology I'm working on, and it's a complete career dead end, but the awful machine I'm working on is so quirky and difficult (thanks Cisco) that it's like uncharted territory. That puts me in my comfort zone: finding out how something works and boiling it down to something workable. But at the same time I'm liking work, I'm also feeling new pressure to perform -- and new pressures outside work at the same time.

Another nice moment today was when I took Katrina with me to get valentine's candy tonight (while the boys had dinner), and even though it was past 7pm (tick tick tick...), she found joy in the excursion and was cute as ever. I had fun making faces at her and making her laugh while I was putting gas in my ever-empty car. Having her funny little face in front of me turned an annoying errand into unexpected quality time.

I'm so glad I have Music with Katrina tomorrow morning, I'm really looking forward to it, to give me some much needed down-to-earth time. Provided I don't forget and take her somewhere else, that is.

2/13/08

2/12/08 The Blues

Last night I was tormented by dreams of a contractor sternly telling me I couldn't have what I want. In real life, the (potential) contractor is the nicest guy in the world, but his preliminary estimate of the cost of our project has us reeling, and considering moving again. Moving has its own problems and costs, and I've invested a lot of heart and soul into my new kitchen. My new kitchen. So I don't want to move, but we should do our due diligence once again.

So at a time when I'm feeling intense financial pressure, I'm also starting to really miss being home and doing Mom things. Parks, playgroups, classes...and now the pull to be with Katrina is the strongest. She's in a really good phase right now, full of cute sounds and exploration and making a leap to true toddlerhood -- including all the good fun things about that phase of life (which of course is also filled with things that aren't good or fun).

On top of it, suddenly I have new pressure at work too, adding to stress about taking time off. And, I still consider running to be on hold, not over, and when I can resume that, it'll also take time. Glorious, fun, beautifully spent time, but time. Ankles allowing, that is.

(I let myself run two-tenths of a mile on the treadmill yesterday, and completely felt it in both ankles later. It takes nothing to inflame this again! But the physical therapist I've been seeing doesn't think it's hopeless, I just have to lay off, really lay off, for a long time.)

One thing I really don't like about work, and almost resent, even though I created the situation myself, is that when I get home with my little brood, I have to kick right into gear and have no time to just be with them. I have to tell them again and again, "Oh, sorry sweetie pie, can that wait until my hands aren't wet?" Or "I can't look at that right now, I'm making dinner, can you ask Dad later?" It's Cats In The Cradle (Harry Chapin) all over!

I did find a little time tonight to open one last birthday gift for Gabriel, from cousins Aidan and Remi. It's brilliant, combining Gabriel's two top interests right now: Snap Circuits and piano: a Snap Circuits kit that records music! He was thrilled, and said several times, "Man, I am SO lucky!". He wasted no time building the recording circuit, then using it to record 4-second segments of piano.

(THANK YOU Engels! SOMEHOW I'll find a moment to get Gabriel to write a thank-you note in Gmail.)

Katrina, meantime, was airing out a nasty diaper rash, having a grand time sorting through a box of jeans we just received today (most of which will have to go back, since the Levi's 4 Regular jeans I got for Julian fall off his skinny little rear end). The cuteness and exuberance doubles each day (well, except when that poor sore bum needs wiping...ouch).


I want to work, but I don't want to have to work. I want time with my children, but I want time at home alone. I don't want to triple our mortgage debt, but I don't want to live in this house the way it is anymore. Something has to give. And I'm no good at decisions.

2/12/08

2/11/08 The Scramble

Katrina greeted me this afternoon with a huge smile, and walked up to me happily, arms outstretched. And I got a shoulder kiss too, aww! Quite the change from the usual shriek and pushing away. I'm starting to like the little bugger!

I caught a few moments of her being very sweet after I put her in the car, kissing Julius.



And Gabriel's beloved Bear.



This morning was a big scramble, or could have been had I not scrambled the night before to prepare. I talked to the boys about getting up really early, packed my lunch, Gabriel's lunch and Julian's breakfast, and as usual, set out everyone's clothes (including mine).

Dave left for Phoenix at 5am, and I was on my own. Still, preparation paid off -- we were all on the road at 7am. Dropped off Katrina, dropped off Gabriel, dropped off Julian at 7:35 (5 minutes late, but 2 minutes after they opened 3 minutes late), and a Kids Inc lady helped him with his packed breakfast. I zoomed to Los Altos and arrived at my 7:45am appointment at 7:47am, where I proudly presented myself to my therapist.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "Don't you have an appointment tomorrow?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2/11/08

2/10/08 The Shoes

I managed a photo-op this afternoon, which only happened because I didn't quite notice that Katrina was carrying around two markers and a glue stick. This never would have happened if I tried to take them away.

Dave took the boys to The Jungle today, for a birthday party of a classmate of Julian's. I suggested he bring Gabriel to play too, as a member of the general public. But, not being familiar with Jungle parties, it turned out that keeping Gabriel separate wasn't really practical, and the generous hosts of the party invited him in for pizza and cake. Once again, a Doudna boy crashed the other's party.

The boys both had a great time, but Dave witnessed an episode that furthers our concern about Gabriel's aggression, if we can call it that yet. Gabriel and a first-grader (and Julian to some extent) got involved in some game in the ball pool. Some conflict arose, shouting and throwing balls ensued, and in short order, the other kid decided he'd had enough and tried to get out. But Gabriel went after him and restrained him, holding his legs so he couldn't easily climb out of the ball pool. The kid got annoyed enough to whack Gabriel in the face, but Gabriel wouldn't let go. By then, Dave could see this was really conflict (it's hard to tell sometimes), and intervened to distract Gabriel so the kid got free. Dave said he could see then that Gabriel was truly angry that the kid got away. As usual, Gabriel wasn't at all deterred by the fact that the other kid was older and much bigger (Julian sidelined himself from the conflict).

And this morning, Julian was crying because Gabriel hit him with his teddy bear (usually a benign, but still obnoxious act), while Julian was in bed.

So, another "intervention" talk tonight. Gabriel clearly blames us for these talks, outraged that we're doing this "to him" again. We talked sternly again about hitting, reviewed the consequences with him, and told him that he wasn't getting any TV tonight. (I'd already sequestered Julian upstairs with a Wallace and Gromit video.) He started to cry angrily and then started in with the threats, claiming he was going to watch TV anyway. Incredibly, we managed to deflect it and talk about other things, and he got over it much more quickly than we expected.

This is new ground for us, the talking-tos and serious non-immediate consequences -- how and when to carry them out, for instance. We should have taken the TV away this morning when we first heard he'd hit Julian (he admitted it), but the TV-watching is also tied to cleaning up the family room. How would we have enforced that? Would the TV deprivation later in the day be too far removed from the offense for it to sink in? These are things we have to figure out.

Later in the day, something happened that caused me to get a good look at Gabriel's shoes. And Oh My Heavens -- talk about bad mom me! They were full of holes! Not only was much of the stitching worn off, causing holes at the seams, but the toes had holes worn through the rubber toe protector things. So after working out the logistics with Dave, I took the boys to Vallco to get Gabriel some badly needed new shoes.

On top of the awful condition of his shoes, he'd grown a size too. I guess this can happen if you don't put the kid's shoes on every day anymore!

After the shoes, even though it was 5:15pm and getting very late to be out, Gabriel gave me the little push I needed to go get my little scraggamuffins some haircuts. And, we pulled it off before Supercuts closed at 6pm. New shoes, haircuts...a banner day for accomplishments for me!

But nothing matches the challenge I face tomorrow morning. Dave is flying to Phoenix for the day, leaving the house at 5am. That leaves me with all three to get ready and drop off and make a 7:45am physical therapy appointment. If I can do that, anything's possible.

2/10/08

2/8/09 sink shopping

Gabriel and I went shopping for sinks today (kitchen and bathroom).

Splashworks in Willow Glen. I thought I'd settled on a kitchen sink until I saw this one. Why can't I be more like my friend Kristi, who told her husband to pick any old sink? I drive myself crazy!

Before leaving, I asked Gabriel if he wanted to come with me. Naturally, he asked where we were going. "San Jose," I said. He considered this, then said sincerely, "Oh, all right. I guess San Jose is OK!" Thank you, Gabriel -- a city of over 800,000 people breathes a huge sigh of relief at your endorsement!

We dared attempt going out to dinner tonight, at a new place nearby called Harvest. Abject failure: boys didn't eat dinner, Katrina would only eat Dave's rice, Dave didn't like having to cut chicken off the bones and that there were cranberries in his rice. I loved it, nice variety of interesting salads, and we ran into a 2004 mom + family who was also experimenting. They fared a lot better though.

But, Katrina had a FABULOUS time walking around, giggling her head off, and I LOVE that she will walk in places now. Still crawling sometimes, but the walking is SO SO SO much better -- I didn't have to carry her while we were ordering at the counter. Not only has she made a huge leap in mood and attitude, but the shaky baby-walking is unbelievably cute. I wish I had pictures of her today, her joy in walking is magnetic, infectious, relentlessly adorable. Naturally, I'm beside myself. WALKING IS MUUUUUCH BETTER FOLKS.

Dave said today that when he got Katrina up this morning (me: zzzzz...) she was kissing him! Nose, shoulder, arm. She was kissing Julian's knees yesterday too. Now this is a phase I can live with!

2/9/08

2/8/09 The Behavior

Today when I picked Gabriel up from the CDC, one of the teachers needed to talk to me about yet another infraction of Gabriel's: he'd just hit a kid who'd been Gabriel aside and reviewed with him what he's supposed to do in that situation (tell the kid to stop, tell a teacher, move away), and he knew, but he had no explanation for why he didn't do those things.

Then another teacher came over and said she too needed to talk to me about Gabriel attacking a kid with a hockey stick outside. I asked again if this was in play or aggressive, knowing the answer already with a sinking heart, and she said that while they're all playing around and of course hockey sticks tend to hit things, she felt what he did was out of line, going after someone for some reason she didn't see and he didn't care to explain.

Next, Gabriel's Friday Folder included a note from his teacher that said she'd been having the same problems with him in class as the CDC had been having -- and she wrote that before his two infractions this afternoon!

What's going on here? If it were any other kid, I'd think something were bothering him and causing him to lash out. That's possible, but that's really not his style. There is rarely any Deeper Meaning to his actions, rarely any chain of events that ties them together. It's usually in the moment and for the moment with him.

I thanked the CDC folks, and told them they have my full support in whatever consequences he has to deal with (no hockey for a month? Fine!). I explained that we know all too well how he can dish it out, we're not about to say this is odd behavior for him, though it's new that he's starting to act out so consistently around others.

So he got a Stern Talking-To tonight. Dave and I pulled him into the living room alone, which had a big impact as compared to sitting at the dining table with Katrina (who got a windfall of chocolate cookies for the occasion). He frowned and went between acting defensive and outraged and angry, but clearly didn't like being put on the spot. We told him in very firm, slightly angry tones, that he is absolutely not allowed to hit. I went through with him what his alternatives are, and he dutifully repeated them. We also told him that next time the teachers tell us he hit, he'll lose a highly-held privilege (Sunday TV, BMX park). Then some of the talks and readings I've attended over the years feebly kicked in, and I tried to be empathetic, telling him that we understand other kids make him mad sometimes and can be really annoying.

I'm not sure any of this sank in. Mostly, he didn't like the immediate situation, and even started to talk back and protest these talking-tos ("This is the THIRD TIME you've done this to me!" he said angrily). The formality of Dave and I sitting with him intervention-style was just enough to intimidate him -- this time. But did it do anything to stop the behavior? I doubt it. Kids are impulsive, and Gabriel has little empathy or fear to keep his behavior in check. His strong sense of order and rules is the best we have to go on. Maybe he has to get the cr*p beat out of him to connect that his big mouth and skinny little body are a bad combination.

It won't be long now before his first trip to the principal's office.

2/8/08

2/7/08 Music Day

This morning, instead of zooming out the door at 7:15am, I dressed Katrina, made breakfast for her and Julian, took Julian to pre-K, then took Katrina to music class at 9:30am. It was actually more hectic than my usual early mornings, since I had a lot more to do, but it was a really nice change.

And Katrina loved music class today! She lit up, bopped happily around the room, climbed on me, giggled aloud, stopped to pay attention to the teacher, then more playing. She really loved when the class stood up, and I held her hand and walked her around the room. I think she imitated one of the tonal patterns once too.

I'm so glad we're doing this; time alone with her is at a premium, and it was so nice for us both to be together doing something we both enjoy so much, with no distractions. She'd been under the weather for so long (and she still can't scream right) that it was so nice to see her so relaxed and animated and throwing herself into fun. It made me smile all day long to remember her happy little face.

2/7/08

2/8/08 It's all in the toes

I had my first physical therapy session this morning! I explained at length to Conrad, an Australian runner, the nature of my troubles. He explained back in far more detail than I can remember the biomechanics of the foot and leg.

After some testing, measuring and watching me move my feet, the results were in: I have weak toes!!

OK, there's more to it than that. Since there's no bleeding or obvious injury, all we can go on is highly educated guesses. My calves are actually very tight, not allowing enough flexion at the ankle and proper pushoff, especially up hills. Exercises to loosen calves, check.

But the real surprise was when he told me to curl my toes, and then was easily able to uncurl them with his fingers. The muscle that controls the toes also controls how your foot lands and pushes off, and should be much too strong for him to uncurl my toes. So it's a good guess that I must not be pushing off correctly, or in the right direction, especially up hills. So, exercises to strengthen my toes (no kidding!) are called for, like lifting a towel from the floor with just toes numerous times...isn't there a song about ankle bone being connected to the leg bone, the leg bone's connected to the....oh well. Exercises to strengthen feet via the toes, check.

So, ice, anti-inflammatories (I've heard conflicting things, but to heal the existing inflammation, OK), rest (wah), exercises, and then inserts/orthotics to correct the slight pronation and help train my foot to strike properly. All things I'd have considered to be minutiae -- but the persistent, nagging sensations around my ankles say otherwise. Oh yeah, or quit running. No.

Last night, Katrina got into some sort of snit when I tried to give her dinner -- food she likes, and she was hungry. I tried everything, including my usual final straw of taking her outside, still nothing but back-arching, screaming-crying, pushing my hand away. Fed up, I sat her down in the living room to go tend to the stove for the boys' dinner. I thought she'd come into the kitchen after a few minutes, looking for the sippy-cup of milk that can act as a moment-changer, but no, she pushed herself around on her back in the living room and cried angrily nonstop for a solid 20 minutes. I couldn't believe it -- a full-on, and LONG, tantrum (20 minutes is a long time for a 16-month-old!).

After I finally had the boys sitting down -- no mean feat, as Julian was giving me a hard time and I made several trips to the garage to put toys away -- then I tackled the toddler tantrum problem. I can't quite remember what I did, some combination of offering her something else, moving her somewhere new, distraction, and time, finally broke her down to take a few bites, and then we were finally on our way. Whew. She showed no signs of slowing down, either, it could easily have gone on had I not put my full attention to "redirecting.

I mentioned this episode to Melissa this morning, later thinking I was making too big a deal of it. But Melissa encountered the same exact thing today, unable to break her out of a major snit when her Plan for life was thwarted. Melissa remembers all the trouble we had with Gabriel, so she's prepared.

I can't believe I have another tantrumer on my hands! Yes, all toddlers have tantrums, but I know whence I speak when I say tantrumer!

One thing that's not like Gabriel, thank goodness: tonight, Dave was carrying Katrina, and for some reason, she bit his shirt. It wasn't quite malicious, but it's that classic experimental thing that can make it turn so, as Gabriel's pinching did (evolving into a nasty 1.5-year hitting problem). Dave gently scolded her, telling her nooo, not nice. And she pouted and cried!!!!! YIPPEEEE!!!!!

I love that I can decide at 8:35pm on a Wednesday night that the ends of my hair are too brittle and gross, and run out to Supercuts and get a trim and be home by 9pm.

Second night in a row I've felt the house shift. First one, there really was a small quake across the bay, so small Dave didn't even feel it downstairs (I was upstairs). Tonight, just paranoia. Or exhaustion. Or....?

2/8/08

2/5/08 The Math Homework

16 months old and still crawling! It's official. All three of my children are genuinely late walkers. Katrina is walking more than crawling now, but she still crawls when she really needs to get somewhere. Her walking is getting better and better, though she's started holding her hands above her head for balance, I think because she's trying to go faster. But it's still mostly a game, rather than a mode of transportation.

She did have fun walking around barefoot after I changed her and took her leggings off. First, I had to peel off a hugging brother.

Seeing her legs bare under a dress, I think her ankles are still pretty skinny!

I was intrigued today because Gabriel's math homework seemed to take a sudden leap in difficulty, with actual addition problems. So I scanned it to comment on that, but later realized that the page with addition problems was an "extras" page.

The regular math homework is simpler and more conceptual: draw a line under the longest item in each group, then draw the longest item overall in the box at the bottom, and is the sort of work Julian does too. (Gabriel did do it, but his light writing didn't scan well.)


But I think the "extras" page is a lot more advanced, or certainly a big step ahead of what the previous "extras" were. He finished both quickly without any trouble, though he didn't recognize the format in the 2+2 problem (that you write the answer under the line).

He also reads all the words, including the tiny-printed instructions at the bottom of the page for the grownups, and for the most part can follow their meaning. But he needed explanation for the "Are there enough?" problem: "Enough what?" he asked. (Hmm, is that climate discrimination? We don't wear mittens here!)

If we were the sort to push him, he could handle a lot more than this, I think. He was certainly more interested in the "extras" page, as each problem is shorter and it goes faster than work that involves drawing, as most of his homework does (like drawing the longest object on the regular homework page).

But really, he's just a kid, and mostly, he wanted to get back to assembling some Lego kits he got for his birthday. And I'm just fine with that.

2/5/08

2/4/08 The Return

Still not screaming, but Katrina is much, much more herself today. Melissa brought her home to me this afternoon, and she bopped around happily reading books, playing with balloons, getting into Gabriel's new Lego kits (he got two for his birthday and loves them).

Tonight was so completely back to normal -- the mad scramble -- that it's almost hard to remember that just this morning, I took my mother to the airport. It was such a wonderful visit that the fun of it all far outweighs the sadness of knowing it will be months before I see her again. One good thing about my long morning commute is that I call family a lot more often now -- might as well make use of my 30 minutes of captivity!

After dropping Mom off, I ran some errands, including a trip to Home Depot Expo. It helped remind me why I never bought anything there for the last remodel: too overwhelming, too underhelping. Why does every place display the most outrageous and funky bathrooms they can, instead of the 99% that the rest of us would actually use?

I saw my actual chosen rangetop, and didn't love it! I've seen it in range form, and in drop-in cooktop form, but not rangetop form. It looks so plain (even though I chose it partly for its looks), and I didn't like the knobs (even though I'd already tried them), they're a little thick and the plastic part is a little rough. The Viking knobs have as perfect a feel as they get, and suddenly the imposing grates look cool. This sort of indecision and doubt is exactly what undermines project schedules. I'm not changing cooktops now!

OK, fun's over. Back to work tomorrow.

2/4/08

2/3/08 The Party

What highly anticipated once-a-year major party event occurred today? Oh, you mean, the Superbowl?! Nope. Gabriel's gymnastics birthday party!

First, some other things happening around here. Bonne Maman brought a gift from our longtime family friend Francoise, a book titled "Ou est Charlie?" -- the French version of "Where's Waldo?" I had NO IDEA this would be such a hit. The boys LOVE it. Here's why neither of them bothered Katrina this morning:


Bonne Maman also got Katrina the world's most adorable socks from a nearby store in NYC. The brand is Little Miss Matched and they came up with the most clever idea of putting three socks into a set!

OK, now that's cute.

Now, onto the big stuff. Gabriel's party was a smashing success, at least in that no one actually got smashed (which is more than I can say for many of the other parties going on around the country today). I loved it, the kids had a great time, and it was exactly what I wanted: low-key, fun, under control, simple.

It helped that the first hour, they were all under the control of a highly capable gymnastics teacher. And, that most of the kids had done this sort of class before.



The one thing I felt terrible about is that siblings couldn't join -- we were limited to 8 total kids. Andrew had been coached carefully about this ahead of time by his aunt (Betsy was out of town), but he was really upset about not being able to participate. Meantime, I was busy setting up when the teacher lined up the kids for the class, and didn't notice that Julian had made his way into the mix. Whoops.

I let it go at first, since two kids were late and one didn't want to join in right away. But after about 10 minutes, the latecomers arrived and the other kid decided to join in, and now we were over capacity. But Julian was so well ensconced and having such a great time by then, I just couldn't bring myself to pull him out. The teacher let him stay and he didn't hold up the class or anything, as he's done this before. Still, it hardly seemed fair to Andrew (whose aunt had wisely taken him to go do something else).

Actually, the teacher had seemed greatly relieved when she asked me what the age range was before the class, and I told her the kids were all within months of 5-1/2, except the 4-year-old brother who wasn't supposed to join (eeps). (Come to think of it, maybe she let him stay since she knew he was the brother of the birthday boy.) She later said it was a really good group, easy to handle, overall calm, everyone participated and listened. Whew!

One of my favorite moments was when Gabriel's little pal from class, Anushka, kept giving him hugs, and he good-naturedly pushed her aside, rolling his eyes. He didn't want to be bugged at the moment, but he took it really well.

Then Parth joined in the action, and the three friends all laughed together.

It struck me seeing Gabriel interact with Parth in particular, a really nice boy who I talked to a lot at Gabriel's class party. Gabriel has his own friends now, not just friends he makes because I'm friends with their moms, and his own games and interactions with people I don't know at all. Gabriel and Parth and Anushka spend every day together in class and then at the CDC, more time with each other than he does with me. All part of the daily miracle, with a touch of tragedy, of growing up.

After the gymnastics class, the kids sat down and had some fruit cups, juice, popcorn and .... never mind -- don't I know enough by now that no food is of any interest after popcorn? So much for the sandwiches that Bonne Maman worked so carefully on cutting out in shapes!

(Notice who is the only one who didn't ask for a hat, and indeed refused to consider it.)

After a snack, we played musical chairs twice. A little advice about musical chairs: bring songs that don't already have stops in them! Andy Z doesn't work well for this. And, bring a boom box with some volume, instead of a wimpy little clock radio. And an extension cord!

Other than that, it worked well. Gabriel and Parth were the last two both times, with Gabriel the winner once, and a tie the second time. These two have played musical chairs at the CDC many times together, so apparently they've developed strategies. Gavin was my button man after he got eliminated, helping me turn the clock radio (urgh) on and off for the rest of the game.

Finally, the cake. More singing, more junk food. And, another Giant Cupcake cake.

By now, I should have some experience with my tricky Cupcake cake pan, but this one gave me by far the most trouble. First I made a Devil's Food (mix), split the batter across both pans. NG, the cupcake top was too small, but the bottom salvageable. Inexplicably, I used another flavor to make another top, but put too much batter in, overflowed the pan, and started a fire in my oven!! It took my Mom and I a few minutes to frantically scrape everything aside to put out the fire. Then, I had a hard time decorating the cake, using yellow frosting with yellow M&Ms, but all that did was make it look drab, and it just ended up looking like a lopsided tutu. The final straw was that I didn't use toothpicks to fasten the top to the bottom, and the top slid off in the car ride to ghe gymnastics place and one side got all smushed!

Of course, the kids didn't notice, they just wanted to eat the cake. Julian thanked me for putting candy on it. Mom and I were both intrigued that the two kids of Indian descent didn't want any. There's an Indian bakery nearby - I wonder what Indian kids have for sweets?

I've always suggested no gifts for parties, so as not to put any pressure on guests and because we really don't need MORE STUFF. But, something happened this time that makes me reconsider: the kids themselves want to give the birthday honoree gifts, they want to see the birthdayer open a gift that the guest picked himself. I had to pull Gabriel away at the end of the party as he'd started opening things because his friends wanted him to open things they'd brought. Next time, I will work in gift-opening, as it's so nice that his friends are so generous and want to enjoy the giving. And it's time Gabriel learned gracious gift-receiving too, instead of being handed a giant anonymous pile of loot later.

Score three for me -- all three kids' parties this "season" worked out great. I will definitely do a gymnastics party again, and 8 kids total is a perfect number. They all had such a great time, and it felt like such simple clean easy fun.

And good news on the sick baby front: Katrina's lung capacity is still nowhere near normal, but her behavior was on track tonight. She bopped around much more happily, played, scolded brothers, snuck upstairs, pulled things off shelves, and acted much more like herself, just "de-barked" as Dave called it (a reference to barky dogs who've had their vocal cords surgically altered so they're not impossible to live with). She even ate a little dinner tonight, so I think this strange episode is past us. I'm glad my Mom got to see a little of the normal Katrina tonight, and the normal interaction between her and her brothers (constant pestering, much tenderness and love).

I'm bringing Bonne Maman to the airport tomorrow, with joy and sadness. What a wonderful visit! It's been only a few days, but such full fun ones, rewarding and relaxing and intense all at the same time. We had lots of time to be mother and daughter, and grandmother and mother too. I can only hope for such wonderful times with my own children when they're all grown up.

2/3/08