3/5/08 Zoom to Zumba

I managed to get everything done (everyone fed and clothed for tomorrow) tonight in time to zoom out to catch a popular pass-only Zumba class at the Y. Last week, I looked in on the Wednesday class and the teacher looked fabulous, and I've been looking forward to it for days.

Me and 34 other people, it turns out. The passes go out at 7:15 for a 7:45 class, and they're gone within minutes. I had long since missed my chance when I arrived at 7:25. Fooey.

I consoled myself with an ordinary workout, including 15 forced minutes on the elliptical. Want to slow down -- even reverse -- time? The secret fountain of youth! Go on the elliptical! Minutes take hours. GOD what a drag.

My ankle tendons still bother me on and off all the time, but the achiness and buzzy feeling keeps travelling downward. Now it's almost at my arches. Something's happening, so I'm going to hold out a few more weeks (?) before I attempt running again. I'm not willing to let go of running yet.

Katrina's 17 months old today! Melissa said she was really happy and energetic today. The weather's been getting much nicer, and that combined with walking means a lot more outdoors time, and she loves it. Indoors, her latest trick is to push cars along the floor and say "choo choo!"

Katrina's following instructions now too, like if I tell her to throw something into the garbage, she'll do it. I haven't tried without gesturing yet. I found a video (which I'd upload if YouTube weren't doing site maintenance) of Gabriel at 14 months old, getting his jacket when I suggested he did, without gesturing. I learned later that this was an important sign that his receptive language was developing normally; it was only his expressive language that was delayed. Still, it's interesting that Gabriel learned to follow instructions quite a bit sooner. I like the video because he's so enthusiastic and joyful, doing his goofy bear-crawl to get to the jacket. It's amazing how much of the Gabriel I know now I can see in his 14-month-old self.

Here's Katrina's 17-month-old self nibbling on a snow pea. These days her mouth doesn't see a lot of green, so I had to get a photo.

Approaching the Golden Age of 18 months! So far, 16 has been one of her best, and despite some new demanding screeches and behaviors (Melissa said Katrina actually pushed on Melissa's cheek to get Melissa to turn her head back to continue a game of peek-a-boo!), 17 overall is looking pretty good too.

3/5/08 (happy birthday bonne maman!)

3/4/08 The Dance

I wish I'd caught this on video, a most heartwarming moment: Gabriel was singing "A Farmer in the Dell," and Katrina started "dancing" to it! It was more adorable than you can imagine!

I've been thinking more and more about the summer, and can't wait now! Even though we have no solid plans yet. It will really feel like a summer this time, because school's out. I need to start planning a trip back East, over July 4. Maybe I should tell my family back East about it first. (In the old days, it'd have been with a letter. Then a phone call. Then email. Now, they have to read about it on a blog!)

Stacey and her kids are really into letterboxing. It sounds like so much fun! That sort of thing will be a whole lot easier to do when I don't have to tote Katrina around in a jogging stroller. She can walk now, but she's still just a 17-month-old (tomorrow!) toddler, who's slow, clumsy, and verrry opinionated about directions. That'll be a lot of fun to do with all of them when she's older, and curiosity might get the better of me before then to take the boys.

She got her 15-month-old shots today (sigh, yes, we're way behind). 22 lbs with diaper and onesie. Dave took her and didn't make note of the ounces, figuring her clothes made up for it. Dads.

Got a new cell phone battery today, it's charging now. Sorry all, I'm back on the air tomorrow, adding my voice to the airwaves from the most un-PC location of my car!

3/4/08

3/3/08 The Late Shift

I went into work tonight, from 9pm-11pm. Sounds crazy? I got more done in two hours than I did all day. Not just because it was dead-quiet. Not just because there was no one around to ask questions of. Not just because driving there took 12 minutes with no traffic. No, because I wasn't tired. I was able to work when my mind was "on", when I could concentrate, rather than struggle all morning to stay awake and to think straight.

That's the main thing that's just not working about this current arrangement. In theory, it's great that I get to work at 8am, but in practice, I am so sleepy and draggy and have such a hard time pulling my thoughts together that it's actually painful. (And I shouldn't need to remind anyone that "go to bed earlier" just isn't in this equation; of course I'd do the obvious if it worked.)

I joke about it, but it's completely true, and really not that funny: I am a night person through and through. It's really a problem when the rest of your life isn't!

I picked Katrina up from Tonya's new house today, which I was dismayed to find is much farther than her old one. It's a 10-minute time savings, each way, as compared to driving to Melissa's, but I'm almost thinking that come August, I need to find childcare for Katrina that's 5 minutes away, not 15. I'd rather put her at Tonya's then, but as long as I'm still doing 3 separate pickups, the time driving and waiting at red lights takes a serious toll. Still, I'm not sure I can bring myself to put Katrina in a daycare center, even though (as Tonya herself volunteered) she could easily take it. Not a sensitive, delicate creature, that one, and I wouldn't worry about her adapting. But I still prefer the continuity of care that a family daycare can give, for a toddler who can't (exactly) communicate yet.

Before going back to work tonight, I did a few very important things.

First, I captured a moment of Julian kissing a tousled Katrina (very fuzzy but call it artistic license). Before she screeched and pushed him away, that is. I'm amazed how tolerant the boys are of the constant rejection.


Then I trimmed Julian's fingernails, and bonus! toenails.

Then I repaired Gabriel's beloved Bear, which had started to come apart at a seam. Few things make me feel more like a Mom than sewing back together a favorite stuffed animal.

And, after dinner, I sat on the couch and just talked to the boys. Gabriel rarely sits on the couch and makes himself a target to be talked to, but he happened to be there re-uniting with his new and improved Bear. Julian soon joined us, and we talked about the summer: making a trip back East (promising that they wouldn't miss fireworks), maybe some daycamps in July, first grade in August ("finally!").

I told them that I signed us up for a camping trip in September with some other families, which I'm so thrilled about I'm ready to get a family-sized tent and start camping now. We talked about where you sleep, how you get there, what happens if it rains (errr...), flashlights, campfires, and all sorts of things about camping. My Las Madres 2004 group did this trip last year, and it sounded like a total blast. I'm thrilled that I can start to think about doing these things again! (Other Moms will be there with babies; they're better at this than I am.)

The boys were both riveted until it was time for bed, and then time for me to sneak out and be a grownup in an office. My body might have been there, but there's no question where my heart was.

3/3/08

3/2/08 An actual weekend

Is this possible? I think we had a real weekend! Like, the relaxing kind! The kind that makes you regret it's over, instead of anxious to get back to work!

Even though we did some truly drudgerous things Saturday (shopping for entry doors, trying to replace my dead cell phone at an AT&T store), we did a good amount of nuthin' too. When Dave and I first moved into our house, one of my favorite times with him was weekend afternoons, when we just hung around together, did things around the house or garage (after we built one that is), and were generally active, but also relaxed. Somehow, we unwittingly recaptured that same happy-hangin' feeling on Saturday.

The boys were completely absorbed watching some tree trimmers we hired to do some mega-pruning of our neighbors' redwoods. This is a serious job; the coast redwood in our neighbors' yard (brought here and planted by the man who built our house, but subdivisions didn't leave the tree in our yard) is pretty tall. It's had some dead branches in our view since we've moved here, and I'm thrilled they're gone. Except that now our neighbors' huge antenna is the chief eyesore (he's very proud of the fact they don't pay for cable).

Hmm, the before and after photos don't do the improvement justice:


Julian kept an eye on things, while the tree trimmer guy good-naturedly accepted his direction and supervision ("that machine is too loud!"). He was under strict orders to stay on the deck, because the branches coming down were big, heavy and really friggin' dangerous.


Katrina always welcomes a chance to go out, despite some unwelcome "help" from Julian. I probably talk more about Gabriel's affection for Katrina than Julian's, and it's different since he's older, but Julian also adores her and showers her with (too much) attention. I guess I just expected that more from Julian.


I don't know what's ailing my stomach, but it's reminiscent of pregnancy days, when it was irritated and bloated and painful all the time. As a result, I was up much of the night and was very tired today. I really resented that, because I was looking forward to another relaxed day with all 3 by myself (believe it or not!). Dave went on a motorcycle ride today, something I encourage him strongly to do and wish he'd do more often. I'm more happy for him than envious that he got to ride a longtime standby route of Mount Hamilton, Mines and (my favorite) Calavaras Roads.

A day of all three on my own wouldn't be complete without going to the Y, so our day started there. Then, Trader Joe's for some much-overdue grocery-shopping, and a stop by Stacey's house for some lemons. I'd had visions of going to a park, but of course, that's overcommitting and everyone was ready for some downtime at home.

When we got home, I kicked into full gear: kitchen cleanup, fridge organizing and purging, grocery unpacking, kids' lunches, fruit rotation, lemon arranging (the most important and fun part). A full hour and a half of getting things under control.

(As a side note, my freezers (yes, freezer*S*, I'm spoiled) are getting too full because I'm not cooking as much now. Does that sound backward or what! But, since I only make it to TJs' once every week or two, I figure I've got to stock up, I lose track of what we have, I haven't a prayer of a coherent meal plan, and I end up replicating some items and being short on others. It's much easier to keep a trim, efficient pantry and freezer when you're shopping 3-4 times a week as I had been when I was a happy housewife.)

Katrina held out until I was done, at which point I put her down for a nap, and prepared for a much-needed one myself.

(Another aside: THANK GOD all I have to do to "put her down" is literally to put her down -- just her satin sucking blankie and she's happy as a baby clam.)

Now, can a Mom take a much-needed nap when she has 4 and 6 year old boys -- brothers, no less -- alone together? Incredibly, yes. This is what they did while I was trying to restore myself: build a "garage" for Gabriel's Lego crane.

I'm not sure, but from things other moms relate, I think I'm in the minority in being able to tune out with a 4-year-old around. 6-year-old, sure, but 4 is borderline. In Julian's case, it's much about having an older brother, but he too has a remarkable attention span for his age.

How is it my boys -- and so far, my girl too -- play so well on their own, and don't require much interaction from me, and even reject it sometimes when I try to join in? Who trained who? Some of the stage was set by the intensity and focus Gabriel was born with. He had an astounding attention span from very early on; I'm certain we had nothing to do with that. (I have to disclaim credit and blame for much of how Gabriel is!)

But did it acclimate me to being hands-off, so that when Julian came around, our family was already in the habit of kids playing for 30-40 minutes on their own? Or is Julian wired that way too? Or, how much of Julian's hands-off-ness is because of Gabriel?

Julian is much more impressionable by nature, but there's always been more in his life to impress him. Julian always had Gabriel; he didn't need Mom as much for amusement. Indeed, Julian's life will always be heavily influenced by having an older brother, and a strong older brother at that. Julian wants to do what Gabriel does, he tries to join in Gabriel's play, and often watches as Gabriel goes about some project. Julian especially wants to go to Collins. When Gabriel was Julian's age, he had no idea kindergarten existed. Julian knows very well what kindergarten is and wants to do it too. Julian's life is far more influenced by having Gabriel in it than Gabriel's is by having Julian. How much of that is being the secondborn, and how much of that is having a more impressionable, open personality?

I get another data point from Katrina, a strong personality that's not the firstborn. Then again, she doesn't have the same sort of older-brother influence in her life as Julian does. Her life isn't as nearly as intertwined to a sibling as Gabriels' and Julians' lives are, partly due to an additional 10-month age difference, but mostly because her brothers have each other. If Julian were her only older brother, the dynamic between Katrina and Julian would be completely different (perhaps much like that of her cousins Aidan and Remi, who share the exact same age difference as Julian and Katrina). If she's less interested in trying to be like her older brother than Julian, it's hard to tell if that's because she has two older brothers and they have each other, or if that's just her personality. (It's very hard to imagine Gabriel being heavily influenced by an older sibling if he had one.)

Besides, while she has many of Gabriel's strong personality characteristics, they're hardly clones. She does cry if scolded, she doesn't cuddle, she makes far more effort at verbal communication, she's not as physical or athletic, her fine motor skills and usage of them in her play are much more developed than his were at this age.

I'm not sure why I find all this so interesting! And I sincerely doubt you do!

What does this have to do with the fact that I got to take a nap today while my boys played downstairs together? Well, it all winds back to: how is it that they're so independent? Did I raise them or did they (moreso Gabriel) raise me?

And what will I do if I'm all wrong and Katrina turns into a mommy-hanger-on-er who wants to yip-yap-yakkity-yak about princesses all day? Gah! Though, as all the text above demonstrates, maybe I need a kindred spirit in yip-yap-yakkity-yak.

Oh no, here comes Monday.

3/2/08

3/1/08 The Boss

"Dad's not the boss!" complained Julian petulantly, as I was parking the car with all 3 of them in it. Julian was mad about Dad putting him into the car after refusing to get in quickly.

"No, he's not," said Gabriel supportively, and they were about to launch into one of their frequent scheming about all the Bad Things they could do to Dad. But, instead:

"MOM'S the boss! She's even the boss of Dad!"

Yeah kid!

3/1/08

2/29/08 Zumba

We went out to dinner tonight (a rare occurrence), because I didn't feel like cooking or cleaning (a frequent occurrence). Despite an overtired time-bomb toddler, it worked out surprisingly well. Katrina loves the fried rice at our favorite Japanese restaurant, so the rice, teriyaki chicken and tempura kept her busy long enough for us to have dinner and make a polite exit. In fact, it was the boys starting to get wound up that made us expedite, as they'd run out of edamame to dismember.

Incredibly, I had enough time after dinner to make it to a Zumba class at the Y tonight. I've never done done Zumba, a cardio exercise class that uses Latin-style dancing, but I've watched it enough to want to try it. But, I wasn't crazy about the teacher I had tonight. She committed some cardinal sins of dance teachers: inaccurate cueing, inconsistent arms, demonstrating off the beat (!). She did fall short of the ultimate sin of a dance teacher: wasting my time, but I think I'll try a different Zumba class next time. I haven't done much Latin dancing, so I just don't have the moves, but they sure are fun to try.

This class was a bit of a thumbing-my-nose at my ankle tendons too, just to say, "so THERE, I'm going to have fun no matter what you say!" Unfortunately, I think I can already tell they're going to have the final word.

Julian keeps doing this silly jump, in which he runs and then jumps with one foot. He's been doing it for days, and just today explained that Aidan, my friend Hillary's 12-year-old son, showed him how to do a "skateboard jump" when they were visiting 2 weekends ago.

Hmm....skateboard...hmmm.....

Gabriel's teacher sent an email to his whole class that said she's recommending a few students for summer school, and had attached information about it inside those kids' Friday Folders. What is it about teachers that have such power over us? As soon as I saw this, I rushed to Gabriel's folder with my heart pounding to see if he was among them. No, but there was a comment on his weekly "report card" (sort of) that his behavior has been better. Oh yeah, that problem -- potentially a much bigger deal than needing summer school.

2/29/08 (happy leap year!)

2/28/08 The Snowball Class

Thursdays are now kid-play day!

A music class morning! First, I had to extricate Katrina from a 1/2-lb slab of chocolate (a bitter 75% cocoa composition) that she'd discovered in the baking pantry. That's what I get for finally printing shipping labels to send some long-overdue packages. She was working her way through the plastic wrapping, which kept the chocolate somewhat under control, but her hands and face were a mess, and she managed to get some chocolate on her back.

In music class, she sat quietly in my lap at first, but even then, looks were deceiving. She wasn't relaxed at all and I could feel how excited and alert she was. Of course, sitting all sweet and cuddly-like in a lap has never been her strong suit.

Once the class did the first stand-up-and-dance thing, she stayed up for several songs, "dancing" by walking in circles, having a grand time.

She's gotten really good about putting instruments away with the rest of the kids.

Then I went to work. Work. How I like the concept, and the people, and the grownup environment. Oh yeah, and the money. It's just the actual work I'm doing that I'm not crazy about. Alas, what a luxury that would be. Many, many people do jobs they don't like. I've never learned how to do that. I go insane and drive everyone else around me insane.

But what I really like about this job is the flexibility. I left today at 3:15pm to take Julian to his first Snowball class -- a beginner skating class for 3-4 year olds. Yay! And, best of all, his class coincides with a public skating session, so I can skate too!

By the time we got there and got all dressed and skates on, we had about half an hour to practice before Julian's class. At first, it took 10 minutes to get him to the first corner, but he remembered quickly and before long was skating close to the level he had been last year. Distracting him was the key, by showing him something interesting to look at and to forget about not knowing how to skate.

Then, the class. First thing: learn to fall and get back up! These are not Julian's strong points. In fact, his best skating is when he's going pretty fast, a scramble that looks like he's going to fall.

But by the end of his class, I saw him get up from the ice by himself, and using the advice the teachers gave him (hold onto knees if he thinks he's going to fall). I was impressed that two teachers could handle a good-sized group of 3-4-year-olds, presumably who are all beginners. But by the end of the class, none of them needed to be held up, and all were moving on their own power really well. And no little chairs to push around!

Three other kids from the 2004 Las Madres group are in the same class, including Julian's longtime pal Andrew. Andrew had no trouble getting up off the ice right away (and today was his first time) and caught on very quickly. I'm already envisioning them passing the puck to each other for the final SCOOOOORE!

The blues still haunted me all day, but they hadn't a prayer against Katrina's happy bopping around in music class, and Julian's excitment about skating. It was fun being back on the ice too, though I feel directionless without having classes and something to practice. Also, the late afternoon public skating session before classes means there are a lot of little kids on the ice, making harder for shaky helicopter-arm skaters like me to concentrate. Maybe I should take classes again, and drown (well, freeze) my running sorrows that way. Ice skates completely immobilize your ankles, exactly what my sore tendons need.

I'm so glad I broke my vow to do only one activity at a time (total! not even per kid!). Now, how can I squeeze in piano lessons for Gabriel....?

2/28/08

2/27 addendum -- the songbook

This warms my heart to no end. Just as I was ready to put an end to this day, I found a creation of Gabriel's in the craft area. Now I know why he wanted to borrow my stapler.

Gabriel made a "songbook" tonight, complete with a title page, page numbers and "The End." And, he "wrote" his first "song" -- about his teddy bear!! I couldn't resist scanning the pages he wrote on.




Just when I'm blown away by how he's growing up, he reminds me that he's still just a little boy. Awww!

Now I can go to bed smiling, with a love song about a teddy bear ringing in my head.

2/27/08

2/27/08 Now it's the knees

I forced myself to go to the Y tonight, in a futile attempt to lift the firmly entrenched drear from my spirit tonight. I'm not sure why, but I'm inconsolably blue today, I think largely because of the sense of intense pressure to settle on windows and doors by Monday, so as not to hold up our project. It sounds silly now that I write it out, but it's been weighing tremendously on me. Impending remodeling is such a big cloud looming in one's future (still a few weeks away from structural and construction drawings).

I've been making myself do the elliptical machine for 20 minutes, but tonight I felt twinges in my knees. I know from experience that the elliptical does that to me, as do step classes. Is there nothing safe?! I don't have knee problems!

It's so unfair, so many common injuries from long-term running I never even got to, because of whatever's wrong with my ankle tendons. The same physical characteristics that hampered me as a dancer make me a perfect runner (my first ballet teacher described me as "tightly knit," a nice way of saying "dream on, honey") -- except for this overuse injury. And, as much as everyone likes to remind me that I'm getting on in years (something I alternately deny and acknowledge as it's convenient), overuse injuries are most common in younger athletes who don't have other impediments to their athletic endeavors, such as long-term injuries yet; lack of time, lack of energy, or lack of childcare. In other words, this ankle problem is in addition to all the other problems related to getting older.

Work has its interesting moments but overall isn't exciting. My usual outlet of exercise is frustrating because it's not enough -- I want to run. Remodeling is in one of those annoying tension-producing phases, something to be expected, but depressing nonetheless. I don't know what to change, and just have to chalk this up to one of those lulls in life.

I did do one thing today I'm really happy about, but you'll find out about that tomorrow.

Meantime, and especially on a blue day, my children are a continuing source of grounding and reminders of the cheerful, energetic, optimistic sides of life. It could easily go the other way, especially if Gabriel gets into a snit, but both boys were very sweet tonight. I especially enjoyed picking Julian up today, he was having so much fun playing outside with some friends, and was full of boisterous joy. I don't say that often about him! It makes me like Kids Inc a lot -- it's not an impressive place to visit, but Julian is thriving and happy.

Katrina spent the afternoon at Tonya's today. More and more she's getting to the point where she needs peers. At 16 months old, she too is thriving with the personal attention and care Melissa showers on her, but I think it will be time for a change come summer.

In fact, I'm thinking July will be a good month to make lots of changes -- take a month off work, pull all 3 out of daycare, take a trip back East, do some daytrips and fun things with the kids, and maybe put the boys in one or two weeklong daycamps for some variety. Julian so loved the Y daycamps last year.

(Maybe a music daycamp for Gabriel. He keeps showing surprising interest in music, like today latching on to a Santana instrumental on the radio, and wanting to know all about how "kitars" make notes. Tonight he said wanted to make up his own songs and write them down, though he couldn't think of one at the moment. Piano lessons, next Parks & Rec session!)

Then in August, it all picks back up again. I may have to decide to go back to Covad as a part-time employee, rather than a contractor (or not at all). Katrina will be pushing 2, opening up more childcare options, and changing her needs to be in a (small) group setting. And in August, Gabriel starts FIRST GRADE!! OH MY ***G-O-D**** !!!!!! (yes, I'm actually screaming).

Katrina had a grand time tonight with a simple thing: a basket of fruit leather. She loves taking groups of like objects and putting them in and out of containers. Julian earned himself a fruit-leather dessert (that boy can eat!), and Katrina caught sight of the basket and that was it. As is always the case with her, her intensity of fun playing with it was matched by the intensity of her protest when it was time to put it away to go up to bed. My little pistol.

OK, I feel better now, at your expense, dear reader. More good tomorrow.

2/27/08

2/26/08 The sweet boys

While Julian was having some post-dinner cookies tonight, he reached out his hand as I walked by, and took my hand. "What are you doing?" I asked him. "Nothing," he answered, "I just wanted to hold your hand...because I love you." Then he pulled me to him and gave me a smushy kiss on the cheek with his exquisite lips.

That was even more gratifying than the boys doing their pre-dinner chores without a struggle!

Tonight should have been horrible. I was woken up last night by stomach cramps, and felt awful and tired all day. I picked everyone up late, and hit all kinds of traffic, and got their dinner started late. Tonight is a pre-cleaners night, so, lots of work to straighten up for tomorrow, lots of bugging kids to put toys away. And, Dave went out to Tuesday Dinner, so I got to do everything by myself.

But despite the odds stacked against me, there were no showdowns, no tears, no fights -- much nudging to get putzy boys to clean up toys -- but lots of fun time spent talking, looking at things together, playing music and talking about the song in Spanish, watching Katrina "dance" (sort of a bopping up and down, not in the least rhythmic but full of joy), and just good clean fun together. I'm exhausted, I'd have liked some downtime, but I feel good and happy about the evening and some really nice time with my children (including the fun post-bath chase of a naked giggling Katrina).

And my cheek is still glowing from that wonderful kiss!

2/26/08

2/25/08 Check Engine

I'm not a huge fan of the show Home Improvement, but I do remember a funny scene in which Jill (the wife) casually mentioned a lighty thing on her car's dashboard. Her car-geek husband Tim cringed and asked what it was, and she said Oh I don't know, the oil light or something? He was mortified and said WHAT?! How long has it been on? Oh I don't knew, a few days? she answered. He buckled over like he'd been kneed in the nuts, groaning about women and cars.

I determined at that point I wasn't going to be like that. This morning driving to work, a "Check Engine" light came on, so I called Dave right away. If nothing else, I wanted to document the event, as I'm likely to forget anything these days (poor Katrina had no shoes today, for instancE). Dave said it could be any number of things (even a loose gas cap), he'd check it at home.

But I didn't have to worry. It took Gabriel all of 2 minutes to notice it, from the back seat: "Mom, why is there a light that says Check Engine?" I have to tread lightly in these situations, as Gabriel takes car trouble as seriously as his father. It's frightening sometimes to see how similar they are, right down to their skinny flat square rear ends.

Dave was probably smarter as a kid though. Gabriel got into serious trouble tonight, all escalating from not doing his pre-dinner chores. Each step of the way is another warning, another consequence, another carrying-through, then him reacting, leading to another warning, another consequence....it's exhausting. It went from losing cookies (I put his plate of cookies in front of him and took away one at a time for each rude obnoxious statement) to getting kicked out of the dining room, not leaving, being warned he'd have to go upstairs, still refusing, being warned he'd get dragged upstairs and spend the rest of the night there, refusing, warned he'd get dragged upstairs for the rest of the night and spanked, refusing, then that Dad would do it and do it much worse than I would, still refusing. I don't need to add that his refusals weren't silent, they were usually accompanied with obnoxious rude talk and threats that would make a sailor's blood run cold. I was feeding Katrina (quite successfully, she hasn't been eating well lately and was on a roll with a bowl of broccoli) and couldn't leave her long enough to implement.

Finally I was able to carry it out the physical parts of the consequences and dragged Gabriel upstairs. You'd think he'd back down then? No, of course not! He knew he had nothing to lose at that point, so on the way upstairs he shouted, "I'm going to PUNCH you, Mom!" And to think, I was horrified hearing Hillary's 6-year-old daughter retort that she'd take her mother's jewelry! Once again, I felt caught between spanking him at all, and not doing it soon enough -- and, the risk that he'd continue to escalate and then I'd really have no recourse. But this time, the smack did the job, and he finally, finally backed down. That still wasn't it for the night, he gathered himself for a few more skirmishes, but he was also sad about being upstairs alone.

I used those moments as opportunities to sit and talk to him quietly about making choices (tempting as it was to say "Well, SEEE?? it's your own damn fault!!"). I have to keep it simple, so I ask him why he was sent upstairs ("for being rude") and then ask him who's crying now ("me"). I doubt even this basic statement of facts sinks in. Thank goodness they don't happen very often anymore, but he can tap his deep reserves of conflict tolerance at any time. The backbone on that kid....it's downright unnerving.

Too bad he didn't realize that Julian got to go with Dad to the auto parts store to get antifreeze for my car, and help Dad "fix" my car -- now THAT would have sunk in! Nothing is nearer and dearer to their hearts than "helping" Dad fix a car!

Meantime, this unusual dispersion of boys meant I had some peaceful playtime with Katrina. I love sitting on the floor and playing her favorite game, in which she "hides" behind me and laughs when I can't find her. (Warning: grandparent-quality video here, but it's short):


Fortunately, Dave and the boys will keep a close eye on the antifreeze level in my car. That's serious business in the Doudna household.

2/25/08

2/24/08 The easy weekend

Yesterday, I went scrapbooking with my Mom friends, which happened to coincide with Dave taking Gabriel back to Stanford to participate as a subject in language study. A perfectly reasonable thing to do with the other two in tow anyway.

Except that my car had a flat tire! "My" car being the only one set up to take all three. Now what?

Well, we discovered in a pinch that we *can* fit all three in the back of Dave's car, provided Gabriel doesn't use a booster seat. He wasn't too happy about sitting on towels, but felt better once I noodged Katrina's seat over a little.


Good thing he's so skinny!

Luckily the tire could be repaired and my car is back in commission.

Thanks in large part to a sleepover Saturday night, we somehow had a fairly relaxed weekend. After making breakfast this morning, I took all three to the Y, where an afternoon disaster almost occurred: Katrina fell asleep at the Y's childwatch. But, she was still tired later and took a nice solid nap. I spent some nice downtime with the boys, helping them with things they were working on, talking to them about their various discoveries and projects. My goodness, life is easier when the youngest child around is 4!

We usually pay dearly the day after a sleepover, with tired grouchy children. Not so much this time, though Julian did take an impromptu nap with his head on a Music Together CD case. Katrina was tired today too, but that also meant a long nap and only a few of those frustrating "aggh!' moments when a toddler is impossible to please.

Toddler? It's almost official, I think. I didn't see her crawl today, though she did as recently as Friday. Certainly in terms of behavior -- and cuteness -- she's all toddler now!

School's in tomorrow...back to the mad scramble!

2/24/08

2/22/08 The Jungle

Gabriel had a field trip to The Jungle Island today (which happens to be in the same San Jose strip mall I'm going to tomorrow for scrapbooking!). Two weeks ago, Gabriel and Julian went to The Jungle for a birthday party, and they got stuck in one of the play tunnels. Dave happened to see them from a ramp and was able to talk them through getting out, including instructing Gabriel to boost a tearful Julian up through a hole.

So when Gabriel joined his siblings in the car today after his field trip, Julian asked wide-eyed, "Did you get stuck?"

Later, Gabriel explained that he went in the tunnels up to "about 36 feet." Dave and I chuckled and asked him if he could be a little more specific, but he didn't get it. He said that's as high as he'd go, and we asked why he didn't go higher, and he answered matter-of-factly, "I didn't need to." Then he said the highest was 40 feet. I wonder if the structures are marked, because 36 feet is a pretty darned accurate guess for a kid who thinks 20 miles would take 16 hours to drive.

Thank goodness for the CDC and other birthday parents taking kids to The Jungle!

2/22/08

2/21/08 Grumpy Girl

Katrina...grumpy, tired, hungry? Or just being Katrina again? I was surprised at how fussy she was in music class today, as she loves it. Usually she lights up and laughs or pays attention or walks around showing off, but today she was edgy and cried a lot.

Fortunately, the instruments rescued her mood for a while, and even more fortunately, after a nap at Melissa's, she was in good shape. I was worried that since I wasn't feeling well yesterday, she might follow suit. We can't handle an illness right now!

Despite my feeling new pressure at work, and missing a day yesterday, I was really glad for the forced break this morning. I love my precious hour with Katrina alone on Thursday mornings before music class, even though I spend much of it zipping about catering to her every little toddler whim, changing stinkies, rescuing her from getting beached on top of footstools. It's funny that now, getting to a 9:30 class seems so easy, whereas with Gabriel I could barely make it to a 10:30 class!

I had a fun Mom's Night Out with the 2004 group, hosted by a friend who just finished a massive move-out remodel of her home. I'm inspired and encouraged seeing a house that's actually done, especially since I saw it this summer before it was done. Now they live there, and it's not a project, it's a home. I can't imagine!

Yes I can, and I can't wait! Until it's over, that is. (Note that the Title of this post isn't just about Katrina....)

2/21/08

2/20/08 Childhood games

Ah, such innocent fun. Gabriel's at the CDC "camp" this week (school's in mid-year recess), and in addition to main organized activities and playground play, they also do a lot of simple sorts of games with them. Gabriel came home with a string in a loop and showed Julian how to do a "Cat's Cradle." I remember many fun hours playing Cat's Cradle and other string games as a kid!

Gabriel was also all excited about playing "I spy" today, and wanted to again tonight. Though I wasn't feeling well and have a lot to do tonight, I thought, "this is what it's all about," and sat down and played I Spy with the boys. They were so excited about it, I had to keep interrupting the game to tell them to quit jumping on the couch! Then I taught them "Hot and Cold," which I thought would be easy for them, but they both only moved in two dimensions, and eventually the game devolved to a free-for-all of running around like mad giggling like crazy. Which, of course, is the most important and classic childhood game.

Cat's Cradle, I Spy, Hot and Cold, Mayhem -- so far, these things have survived the video-game era!

Then, more childhood fun: making cookies with Mom. I made these Traffic Light cookies for my cookie exchange party tomorrow, but due to unforeseen technical difficulties, I didn't have enough to give the boys! So I had to make more. And, they helped me. I'm glad I thought to cut up gumdrops instead of use colored sugar for the lights, since it was easier for them to fill in the traffic light "holes."


I love doing stuff like this. Maybe I like it better these days because I can't do it all the time anymore, but still, I think I'm now more Barbara Bush than Hillary Clinton.

I had to bail from work today, because of a very unhappy tummy that bugged me all morning, then again later this evening. But I think I'll be OK for music tomorrow, and for the cookie exchange party too. It'd take a lot to keep me from that!

2/20/08

2/19/08 Three standing

I finally got my first photo of all three standing up together!

Oh my, it just makes my heart swell to see them all together like this. What a lucky, lucky little girl to have these two adoring brothers!

Unfortunately, the reality is more like this one. Katrina doesn't want help from her brothers, and mostly pushes them away and screeches to free her hands. Too bad, 'cause it sure makes for cute photos.


"I gotta walk quick or I'll fall!!"


Julian asked me today, "Can you feel air?" I had a decent answer, I thought: "Sometimes, like with wind." Shoulda known, it was a trick question for which he already had an answer in mind, and that wasn't it. It had something to do with opening and closing your hand fast enough.

Melissa told me today that Katrina is saying "yes" and "no." That's new!

I just filled out one of these speech surveys for the Center for Infant Studies at Stanford, where I've volunteered all 3 as subjects in various language studies. Gabriel's going back this coming Saturday, as he's a particularly valuable subject in studies looking at formerly speech-delayed children.

Filling out these surveys in the past are what sparked me to make a note of their words. It was easy for Gabriel at 18 months: zip, though much of the survey includes questions about gestures they make, and words they recognize even if they don't say them. Gabriel lacked many typical gestures too, like handing you things, pointing, pretending to put clothes on. Julian, it was a lot more work, and it was thanks to this that I counted 100 words for Julian at 16 months.

Katrina's in the middle, and adding words and sounds a bit at a time. No speech delay, no speech advance, just smack dab normal.

For now I can identify the following "words" she makes:

muh (milk)
shee (shoe)
nuh (nose)
bee-bee (baby)
boo? (bird)
boo? (book)
na-na (night-night)
yay!
uh-oh
oops
mama
dada

But one thing I've just realized today is her attraction to rhythms. She loves to "count," though I doubt she knows what the numbers mean, she clearly says "fie...sih...seben..." in a sing-song tone. Melissa said today that she played the Music Together CD for Katrina today, and that she flipped when she heard the Hello song, looking all around for the group, then sat down and clapped her hands against her knees. She's only seen the Hello song in class three times!

So tonight I played our new Music Together CD (finally!) while I was feeding her, and I was floored when she imitated "beep-beep-beep" in the song "Riding in the car." I remember now she'd imitated some "tonal patterns" in class last week, but I'd brushed it off as a random accident. I don't think so now.

Then tonight as I was putting her to bed, I semi-sang, "bedtime, bedtime...." -- and to my surprise, she imitated the sounds with "na-na, na-na...".

This fascinates me. Even Julian, who loved to sing (still does), never did this. Now that I think about it, there are many times over the past few weeks that she's imitated a rhythm and I wrote it off, not believing she'd do that the first or second time she hears one. Actual words are much harder-won, they come and go and take weeks to stick, which is probably why I haven't noticed this affinity for rhythm or songlike patterns. Naturally, as a mom, my imagination runs away with me...do I have the next Christina Aguilera on my hands? (probably not!)

One more thought on brothers....it's been all over the news today that Fidel Castro has resigned, formally acknowledging a handoff of power that happened a year ago to his younger brother Rahul. What strikes me is that every time I hear the story, they refer to Rahul as Fidel's "younger" brother. These men are 77 and 81!! Pointing out who's younger hardly seems relevant at this stage of their lives!

But it is relevant, because they're brothers. Decades of adulthood, yet the relationship formed in the relatively short time they spent as children together is permanent. And we as news listeners all seem to understand what that means. Gabriel and Julian too will never transcend the fact that they'll spend 16 years of their lives in the same household with Gabriel being 2 years older.

But will Katrina survive 14 years of her life with two older brothers in the same household? Will they?!

2/19/08

2/18/08 Decisions, decisions

I need to learn how to make difficult decisions. I'm terrible at it. I wind my way around all the ins and outs, all the possible scenarios, rationalize each detail -- only to mask what really ends up making the decision: gut feel. I can't bring myself to cut out anything substantial in our upstairs remodel plan, even things I care about less than others (such as fixing our strange master bedroom layout). "What if....?" Yet I also want to find ways to make the hefty cost more palatable.

My relatively plum work situation is going quickly the way of "fish or get off the boat." My manager told me today that my company is not renewing contracts past July, and urged me once again to join as a part-time, but permanent, employee. I'm already horribly torn about it. On the one hand, I've wanted to work independently for years, and I'm truly ready for a different company, and a better location. Accepting another job there reminds me of Ashley in Gone With The Wind, dejected after Scarlett manipulated him into staying in Atlanta, rather than become financially independent by accepting a banking job in New York. "If I stay here with you," he said, "I'll never stand alone again."

On the other hand, a part-time flexible job is exactly what I need. The lesser pressure of not being a contractor would be nice, and I'd actually build vacation again, and be able to participate in a retirement plan for the first time in years. As an employee, I could expand into interesting new projects, as the reluctant network engineer in me is still sleepily interested in networking.

But the permanence of it is almost heartbreaking when I look at my blooming baby, who at 16 months old is bursting with new sayings, new discoveries, and for whom walking around in her half-stumble walk is a joyous new venture. I want to do park playgroups with her, swim lessons in the summer, and just have her around at home while I experiment in the kitchen. Julian wants to take ice skating lessons again, and at 4, parent-tot skating classes are one of the last activities I can do with him (not to mention a nice excuse for me to skate a little too!). And, while this doesn't torment me like it did at first, I'd still like to pick Gabriel up from school sometimes.

Work more, home less...much of how I've come to know this house, how I use the spaces, how I want it to work, revolves around my "working" here -- as a full-time Mom, that is. But it's a very difference place if it's only what I come home to, rather than be with all day.

Still, I don't think my working for The Man is a long-term thing. I'd thought I'd have one last hurrah, maybe. Going back to the same company again is hardly a hurrah, but the flexibility can't be beat. I guess that helps make the decision, or rule out other possible avenues. Part-time and flexible are musts.

A wise friend once told me that she'd found that more time often doesn't help with difficult decisions. She's right. So often, it's a matter of throwing away the pros-and-cons list, clearing your mind, and getting in touch with your basic instinct. Running was a great way to do this; something about being outside in a park, just me and the trail and trees and sky, that helped put me in touch with what I really feel. (Unfortunately, all I feel now from running is sharp achy feelings in my now-all-too-familiar tibialis posterior tendon.)


In the face of all this change, I made a point this evening of spending real time with my children this evening. Katrina is having so much fun walking, or sort-of walking. She's still very clumsy, trips a lot, and falls back to crawling, but she loves taking off and trying to walk as fast as she can. Tonight she spent a lot of time going around the "column" around the living room, dining room, and kitchen, laughing her head off. "Yayyy!" is the latest expression, she claps and applauds all the time now (especially at herself).

(On a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 is "grandparent-level-interest" and 5 is "mildly interesting to all", today's videos are at about a 1! Which is more than I can say for most of my videos.)



The boys love this book "Octonauts" that Aunt Laura and Uncle Ryan got them -- signed by the authors! I'm ashamed to say I don't recall the story of how they found this book, but I do remember it was a good one. They always find the best books.

The reading in this book is more advanced than I expected Gabriel to understand, but
he was doing well enough with it that I thought I'd take some video. (He reads words really well, but that doesn't mean he understands the meaning of the sentence or story.)

In addition to a few seconds of his reading, I also captured a minor conflict between him and Julian. Normally I wouldn't have let Gabriel's hitting Julian go -- I know it happens between them ALL the time; but I do have to make a show of not allowing it. But I was filming. Watching this later, I personally find Julian's empty threats pretty funny, and Gabriel is obviously not in the least bit concerned! They get back to reading pretty quickly, which is another reason that much of the time, pretending not to see a conflict works out best.

(In retrospect, this almost isn't worth posting, because it's about as benign a conflict as we get around here.)

I have a cookie exchange party coming up, and a fabulous new cookie book I have has a great idea: traffic light cookies! Gabriel loved the idea, so I took him with me to Michael's to find a tiny round cookie-cutter (they were out, darn it, but I think we found a workaround). I also bought some disposable pastry-deocrating bags, and when the total came to about $16, Gabriel said, "$16...hmm, that's not too bad, Mom," making the cashier laugh aloud. He just seemed so sincere,so grown-up, but the words and the delivery coming from this skinny little pipsqueak make for an amusing combination. After we got back from Michael's, we made the cookie dough together.

One thing I will say about having three, and I imagine this gets truer with more children, time alone with any one of them becomes all the more precious (and time with all of them together decidedly less!). They're one decision I'm very happy about.

2/17/08 Old friends

This was a rare treat -- indeed, it's never happened before: a visit from my longtime friend Hillary! She and her daughter and son (ages 15 and 12) are visiting the West Coast for a few days, so we got to see them this morning.

After breakfast, Dave took the boys to the BMX park -- all of them, as Hillary's son joined them with his skateboard. Hill and her daughter and I chatted outside while Katrina took a nap, until her son called to say he was bored. Hillary and her daughter went to pick him up and then continued on Monterey for the rest of their trip.

It's been far too long, and the few hours we had to catch up only showed how much more time we need. But it's been that way for years; brief visits here and there, always leaving with 100 things more to say than were said -- and it will continue to be until we're not both bound by children's schedules. Hard to believe Hillary and I made friends when we were younger than Gabriel! I'm glad she finally had a chance to meet my children though, and that Julian was in Prince Charming mode (such a friendly little guy).

Gabriel was very excited by the blooms on the sad scrap that remains of our almond tree today.

We tried to go see the Willow Glen house I saw yesterday -- the whole family -- but, the open house had closed over a half hour early. How annoying!

Still, peeking in the windows, I was able to remind myself that one problem I'd have in this new house, again, is isolation in the kitchen, as it's not really connected to a family room. Better than what I have now, but a far cry from what I will have. I'm reluctant to move to avoid remodeling, and just end up needing to remodel anyway.

This house did have two bedrooms downstairs, one with its own bathroom, much like what we're planning on (though the Willow Glen house is over 4000 square feet, much larger than what we'll end up with). That same feature I'm toying with not doing, because it adds substantially to the costs.

The kids sure had fun looking at the outside of the house though. Katrina and her unsteady scramble cruised all up and down (and almost into) the street, while the boys played tag with the trees in front of the house.


OK, looks like we're staying and remodeling. Let the bleed begin. Gulp.

2/17/08

2/16/08 The Question

Driving along this afternoon with just Julian (a rare treat), he asked me, "Mommy, do you like cigarettes?"

My goodness, I didn't even think he knew what cigarettes are! So I asked where he'd heard about them, and he said, "Dad told me." As is usually the case with 4-year-olds, I couldn't get a straight story about why they were talking about cigarettes, but he seemed satisfied with my confirmation that they're smelly, unhealthy, icky and that I don't like them.

We came thiiiis close to another Doudna boy crashing a birthday party. Julian knew we were only dropping Gabriel off, but I got chatting with Betsy, and next thing I knew, Julian was ensconced in the birthday party's treasure hunt (what a great idea!). Yipes, not again! OK, I get it now: don't even bring siblings along for dropping off at parties, let alone to watch them. Katrina, yes, but Julian is too close in age to Gabriel to be asked to just watch and wait for me. I managed to scootch him out discreetly, and while he was sad at first (so was I, he was already having SO much fun, my fault!), and we had a nice time together.

First we went to an open house in Willow Glen. My intent was to convince ourselves once again that the massive investment we're about to make into our house is the right avenue, rather than moving. And if we were to move, moving to a neighborhood I like would be a must. This house was very nicely located in Willow Glen, and on the way we passed a party at a park down the block, and saw kids out riding scooters on the sidewalks, people walking their dogs, and general neighborhood sorts of things we just don't have here in sterile Sunnyvale.

Julian thought the house was haunted at first, but I had him "help" me find bathrooms and closets. This house in particular was really interesting -- Dave and I would have bought it in a heartbeat in 1999 when we bought this house. Funky, different, lots of rooms, two staircases, built-ins and triangular goofy closets, a real basement, sunny and pleasant. It had lots of intangible welcoming aspects like a really wide front foyer, and a kitchen island that overlooks the curtailed yard. Not nearly as much of a yard as we have now, but given the cost of landscaping, that could be a good thing.

But I'm experienced with funky living now, and I can quickly recognize things that would have to change. Starting with: the kitchen. It sure looks nice, and it's well-located, but the cabinets are cheap, doors don't close right, drawers wiggle, there's very little pantry space, and the island is too far away from the rest of it. A new kitchen would be a must, though it wouldn't have to actually move, and what's there is still an improvement over what I have (not saying much). The bathrooms were interesting, but cramped, and "interesting" (like a tub without a tub -- just a tiled-in hole) often means "not useful."

In terms of space, moving there would be better (over 4000 sq.ft!), and it has lots of spaces I can easily see using (a whole loft area for kids to play for instance, and a big landing on the second story). In terms of satisfaction...well, there's the rub, huh. This one, it's hard to say. It's much brighter and cheerier than our house, and it's the first one I've seen in a while I can actually picture living in.

Julian had a great time at this open house, largely because a man visiting from New York was there with his 4-year-old son, and the two boys made friends instantly. The pass-through closet with one door into the hall and another door into a room was great fun for them, along with countless other niches and closets and places to hide together. The boy even asked Julian if he wanted to come over to his grandmother's house (they were visiting her down the street) to play. Now that's neighborhoody!

2/16/08

2/15/08 Packed

Boy it was a busy day: physical therapy, work, remodel-shopping, architect-meeting, Date Night in Palo Alto. bedtime!

2/14/08 The Sleep

I did something totally rad last night: I stayed up until I was tired, then went to bed and slept until I wasn't tired anymore, then woke up (with a little help from a happily yakking crib-bound baby) and got up. Instead of anxiously telling myself to get to bed early so I'd get more sleep, and having a hard time falling asleep and waking up numerous times during the night, I actually slept through the night for the first time in weeks. What a difference. I almost felt normal today. There's no way around it. I'm a night person, through and through, and going to bed "early" just doesn't work.

It helped too that I had a nice relaxed morning. Katrina woke up late too (7:45am) and played in her crib while I got dressed, then she and I had a very nice morning alone together before music class. I thought I'd get a few things done, but just didn't feel like it. I did a little dinner preparation in the kitchen while "chatting" with Katrina as she played in the family room, stopping to sit and play with her a few moments at a time, but didn't pressure myself to do much beyond hang out.

Then, off to music class, where once again, Katrina had a fantastic time. I think she really likes being around other kids and people, and she seems pretty engaged in the class (as engaged as 16-month-olds get into anything).

Today she had fun playing with the sticks.


And the drums.


She also stops and pays attention whenever the teacher plays the flute. Well, pays attention to the flute until I pull out the camera, which distracts her, so I can never get a picture of that. I have to stop taking pictures in class, since it pulls her out of her musical reverie, but it's hard to resist capturing moments of her having such a good time.

There's a lot of pink in the background! This class is mostly girls, the first music class I've ever had that wasn't either mostly or all boys, and being Valentine's Day and all, the pink was out in full force. I forgot all about V-day when I picked her clothes last night, but fortunately I happened to pick some that fit the basic color theme.

Once again, I was in a great mood all day thinking of her happy little face in music class -- and indeed, starting off the day surrounded by happy little faces.

Still a little crawling, but I think I can safely call her a toddler now!

The boys came home with boatloads of candy and cards from their classmates, some of them very creative and with a great deal of effort put into them. Not ours, naturally. Sorry, guys.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2/14/08

2/13/08 The Screwup

I just can't get this right. Today, Melissa told me I could pick up Katrina from Tonya's -- always a boon for me, a lot less driving. So what did I do when I left work at 4pm? Drove straight to Melissa's!!! ARRGH!

Then when I tried to pick Gabriel up at the CDC, he had at least 10 minutes of cleanup to do. I had to leave him and come back, since it was 5:15 and Tonya would soon close and I had to get Katrina. More ARRRGH.

Dave and I had a heart-to-heart with our finances and decided not to move after all. No matter how we look at it, upgrading our current living conditions is going to cost us a boatload. With remodeling, the ultimate satisfaction will (probably? hopefully? be higher). Even if I have to work to pay for it, thus not actually being in my new home much.

Still, even talking about moving, or facing the reality of remodeling, is intensely stressful, and the cracks are starting to show. Why would that be? Things are basically good: I'm thrilled with the remodel plans (except the costs of course), I'm actually liking work these days, Katrina is walking and in an overwhelmingly adorable phase.

But something is rumbling underneath, like boiling lava just under the surface. Is it my usual love-hate relationship with change: I need the shakeup, but at the same time, it unsettles me? When we moved into our house over 8 years ago, I noticed the interesting phenomenon that while I embrace and look for change much more than Dave does, he handles change a lot better than I do. He's just not the sort to get rattled. But I am, and moreso, it's like I need to be rattled. Reminds me of many a daunting terrifying steep hill or rocky river crossing on many a dual-sport ride, that my riding pals all said they'd ride my bike through for me if I wanted, and yet, paralyzed with fear and dumbstruck with apprehension, and so not having fun, I tried anyway. These days the perils are more emotional than physical, but it's still the same personality trait that dogs me, drives me crazy, divides me, pushes me.

And at the moment, it's causing me to lose my mind. How many more screwups can I make? First Monday, I go through monumental effort to get to an appointment that very clearly was written for the next day. Today, I forget a fabulous time windfall and cost myself an unnecessary 25 minutes of driving. Countless other times during the day, I find myself looking into a closet or pantry or a room and don't remember why I'm there.

When I got home with all 3 today, I wanted to do the boys' Valentines with them. But of course, dinner preparations and Katrina care made that impossible. I was able to get them started, but what should have been a fun activity together turned into a drudgerous chore.

I did get Gabriel to start his Valentines a few days ago, and good thing, because with 33 names to write and his own to sign on each one, it took several iterations. After dinner, we taped chocolates to each Valentine and sealed them, and that was fun to do with him....or would have been if I didn't have to pester Julian to write his teacher's name on a Valentine. If I didn't have to make lunches and get everyone's clothes together for the next day, the evening wouldn't have so much pressure, and every other word out of my mouth wouldn't be "Not now, later." But then the morning would be awful.

Oddly enough, I'm starting to like work. I still don't like the actual technology I'm working on, and it's a complete career dead end, but the awful machine I'm working on is so quirky and difficult (thanks Cisco) that it's like uncharted territory. That puts me in my comfort zone: finding out how something works and boiling it down to something workable. But at the same time I'm liking work, I'm also feeling new pressure to perform -- and new pressures outside work at the same time.

Another nice moment today was when I took Katrina with me to get valentine's candy tonight (while the boys had dinner), and even though it was past 7pm (tick tick tick...), she found joy in the excursion and was cute as ever. I had fun making faces at her and making her laugh while I was putting gas in my ever-empty car. Having her funny little face in front of me turned an annoying errand into unexpected quality time.

I'm so glad I have Music with Katrina tomorrow morning, I'm really looking forward to it, to give me some much needed down-to-earth time. Provided I don't forget and take her somewhere else, that is.

2/13/08

2/12/08 The Blues

Last night I was tormented by dreams of a contractor sternly telling me I couldn't have what I want. In real life, the (potential) contractor is the nicest guy in the world, but his preliminary estimate of the cost of our project has us reeling, and considering moving again. Moving has its own problems and costs, and I've invested a lot of heart and soul into my new kitchen. My new kitchen. So I don't want to move, but we should do our due diligence once again.

So at a time when I'm feeling intense financial pressure, I'm also starting to really miss being home and doing Mom things. Parks, playgroups, classes...and now the pull to be with Katrina is the strongest. She's in a really good phase right now, full of cute sounds and exploration and making a leap to true toddlerhood -- including all the good fun things about that phase of life (which of course is also filled with things that aren't good or fun).

On top of it, suddenly I have new pressure at work too, adding to stress about taking time off. And, I still consider running to be on hold, not over, and when I can resume that, it'll also take time. Glorious, fun, beautifully spent time, but time. Ankles allowing, that is.

(I let myself run two-tenths of a mile on the treadmill yesterday, and completely felt it in both ankles later. It takes nothing to inflame this again! But the physical therapist I've been seeing doesn't think it's hopeless, I just have to lay off, really lay off, for a long time.)

One thing I really don't like about work, and almost resent, even though I created the situation myself, is that when I get home with my little brood, I have to kick right into gear and have no time to just be with them. I have to tell them again and again, "Oh, sorry sweetie pie, can that wait until my hands aren't wet?" Or "I can't look at that right now, I'm making dinner, can you ask Dad later?" It's Cats In The Cradle (Harry Chapin) all over!

I did find a little time tonight to open one last birthday gift for Gabriel, from cousins Aidan and Remi. It's brilliant, combining Gabriel's two top interests right now: Snap Circuits and piano: a Snap Circuits kit that records music! He was thrilled, and said several times, "Man, I am SO lucky!". He wasted no time building the recording circuit, then using it to record 4-second segments of piano.

(THANK YOU Engels! SOMEHOW I'll find a moment to get Gabriel to write a thank-you note in Gmail.)

Katrina, meantime, was airing out a nasty diaper rash, having a grand time sorting through a box of jeans we just received today (most of which will have to go back, since the Levi's 4 Regular jeans I got for Julian fall off his skinny little rear end). The cuteness and exuberance doubles each day (well, except when that poor sore bum needs wiping...ouch).


I want to work, but I don't want to have to work. I want time with my children, but I want time at home alone. I don't want to triple our mortgage debt, but I don't want to live in this house the way it is anymore. Something has to give. And I'm no good at decisions.

2/12/08

2/11/08 The Scramble

Katrina greeted me this afternoon with a huge smile, and walked up to me happily, arms outstretched. And I got a shoulder kiss too, aww! Quite the change from the usual shriek and pushing away. I'm starting to like the little bugger!

I caught a few moments of her being very sweet after I put her in the car, kissing Julius.



And Gabriel's beloved Bear.



This morning was a big scramble, or could have been had I not scrambled the night before to prepare. I talked to the boys about getting up really early, packed my lunch, Gabriel's lunch and Julian's breakfast, and as usual, set out everyone's clothes (including mine).

Dave left for Phoenix at 5am, and I was on my own. Still, preparation paid off -- we were all on the road at 7am. Dropped off Katrina, dropped off Gabriel, dropped off Julian at 7:35 (5 minutes late, but 2 minutes after they opened 3 minutes late), and a Kids Inc lady helped him with his packed breakfast. I zoomed to Los Altos and arrived at my 7:45am appointment at 7:47am, where I proudly presented myself to my therapist.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "Don't you have an appointment tomorrow?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2/11/08

2/10/08 The Shoes

I managed a photo-op this afternoon, which only happened because I didn't quite notice that Katrina was carrying around two markers and a glue stick. This never would have happened if I tried to take them away.

Dave took the boys to The Jungle today, for a birthday party of a classmate of Julian's. I suggested he bring Gabriel to play too, as a member of the general public. But, not being familiar with Jungle parties, it turned out that keeping Gabriel separate wasn't really practical, and the generous hosts of the party invited him in for pizza and cake. Once again, a Doudna boy crashed the other's party.

The boys both had a great time, but Dave witnessed an episode that furthers our concern about Gabriel's aggression, if we can call it that yet. Gabriel and a first-grader (and Julian to some extent) got involved in some game in the ball pool. Some conflict arose, shouting and throwing balls ensued, and in short order, the other kid decided he'd had enough and tried to get out. But Gabriel went after him and restrained him, holding his legs so he couldn't easily climb out of the ball pool. The kid got annoyed enough to whack Gabriel in the face, but Gabriel wouldn't let go. By then, Dave could see this was really conflict (it's hard to tell sometimes), and intervened to distract Gabriel so the kid got free. Dave said he could see then that Gabriel was truly angry that the kid got away. As usual, Gabriel wasn't at all deterred by the fact that the other kid was older and much bigger (Julian sidelined himself from the conflict).

And this morning, Julian was crying because Gabriel hit him with his teddy bear (usually a benign, but still obnoxious act), while Julian was in bed.

So, another "intervention" talk tonight. Gabriel clearly blames us for these talks, outraged that we're doing this "to him" again. We talked sternly again about hitting, reviewed the consequences with him, and told him that he wasn't getting any TV tonight. (I'd already sequestered Julian upstairs with a Wallace and Gromit video.) He started to cry angrily and then started in with the threats, claiming he was going to watch TV anyway. Incredibly, we managed to deflect it and talk about other things, and he got over it much more quickly than we expected.

This is new ground for us, the talking-tos and serious non-immediate consequences -- how and when to carry them out, for instance. We should have taken the TV away this morning when we first heard he'd hit Julian (he admitted it), but the TV-watching is also tied to cleaning up the family room. How would we have enforced that? Would the TV deprivation later in the day be too far removed from the offense for it to sink in? These are things we have to figure out.

Later in the day, something happened that caused me to get a good look at Gabriel's shoes. And Oh My Heavens -- talk about bad mom me! They were full of holes! Not only was much of the stitching worn off, causing holes at the seams, but the toes had holes worn through the rubber toe protector things. So after working out the logistics with Dave, I took the boys to Vallco to get Gabriel some badly needed new shoes.

On top of the awful condition of his shoes, he'd grown a size too. I guess this can happen if you don't put the kid's shoes on every day anymore!

After the shoes, even though it was 5:15pm and getting very late to be out, Gabriel gave me the little push I needed to go get my little scraggamuffins some haircuts. And, we pulled it off before Supercuts closed at 6pm. New shoes, haircuts...a banner day for accomplishments for me!

But nothing matches the challenge I face tomorrow morning. Dave is flying to Phoenix for the day, leaving the house at 5am. That leaves me with all three to get ready and drop off and make a 7:45am physical therapy appointment. If I can do that, anything's possible.

2/10/08