5/16/09 A packed morning

All three to gymnastics today! I was worried about the boys behaving while I was coaxing Katrina through class, but that was the least of my worries. For starters, the teacher didn't show up, and our class got absorbed into the one right after, making for a packed class. Then Katrina was even more impossible than usual, and her antics was always holding someone up. When she refused to even line up to go to another room, I'd had enough and said it's time to go. She actually seemed sad about that, good! Meantime, the boys were quietly reading Nate the Great books, and were perfect.

A quick shopping at TJ's, then I dropped Julian off at a birthday party, then took Gabriel and Katrina to the Y, then dropped Gabriel off at home, then went to pick up Julian. I'd forgotten that there would be water play at this party, but fortunately the kind hosts loaned Julian a swimsuit. I hadn't thought to "sunscream" him either, and he has a nasty sunburn now.

Julian, front and center for the cake-cutting. Whose birthday is it, anyway?!

The birthday boy, Alex, is on Julian's right.

(Julian was telling me about some classmates who are Japanese, and I said he had some Indian and Chinese classmates too, like Alex. Julian said with genuine surprise, "Alex is Chinese?!" I asked Alex's father today where he's from, and he said Taiwan, but his parents were from China. His wife's family is Chinese too, but she was raised in Singapore. "Sometimes Alex doesn't know where he's from -- he says he's American!" Like Gabriel, one of the few other Caucasian kids in Julian's class is Finnish (Kai, on Julian's left, his other best friend besides Alex).)

Did you catch that I dropped Gabriel off at home? He was tired of driving around and really wanted to work on his Snap Circuits. I thought this was as good a time as any to experiment with Gabriel's first time at home alone, since we'd be just a few minutes away. I couldn't find any problem with the plan other than possibly being arrested or flagged by CPS for inadequate parenting, and they could catch me on so many other things anyway. Dave pointed out we should show him how to use phones and brush him up on phone manners, though.

After a busy morning, we ensconced at home. Katrina found a fun way to entertain herself: sorting toys by color into like-colored baskets (red in red, orange in orange, etc).


Even more exciting, I had her in underpants this evening. She was dry for almost two hours, then suddenly, "I hafta go pee!" and she sprinted, giggling, into the bathroom to make use of the little potty. Hooray!

The boys are in chocolate shock this weekend. Last night, they asked about baking brownies, so we did. Today, Gabriel found a description of "puzzle cake" in a Nate The Great book, in which you put cake mix into cupcake liners, and squish them together in a baking pan. The cupcakes bake in funny shapes, then you pull them apart and try to put the puzzle back together. Gabriel exclaimed that the best part was when you give up on the puzzle and eat the cake!

I also put pudding inside the cakes, so they got chocolate pudding before the cakes were done, then chocolate cupcakes too. And Julian also had birthday cake today! They're beside themselves. It won't be long before they figure out that all they have to do to get home-baked sweets is to ask. And help me bake them.

Getting hot this weekend. Shorts and sandals should cut down on some getting-ready time!

5/16/09

5/15/09 Food Fight

Dave rode out of town this morning, so I'm single parenting it this weekend.

This particular trip has me unusually melancholy - I'm really glad Dave's going, but I'm increasingly sorry I'm not. Looking over the maps reminded me of how I used to spend hours looking over maps and getting so excited planning the strangest routes over the tinest roads to the most remote places. Longtime familiar roads and towns are now fading from memory, replaced with a vague impression I've been there. That part of my life seems so, so far away, but it was so, so much a part of me, how could that be?

(For you non-motorcyclists out there, we live smack-dab in the, bar none, THE best place in the world for motorcycle-riding. There is absolutely no place like Northern California. Oh sure, there are other great roads in other great places, but there not nearly as many, so interconnected, so diverse, and covering such a huge range of beautiful places. Wide-open sweepers, smooth banked curves, tiny twisty nasty pavement, easily traversible unpaved, horrible rutted rocky barely-passable dirt roads -- it's all here. I miss the travel, the exploration, the technical challenge, the excitement, the sense of accomplishment, the clarity and focus of mind. And the stunning beauty of right here.)

Now my life is an "adventure" every day, but not in the same way.

Tonight I took on one of my toughest challenges yet, far worse than any 45-degree uphill with a sharp turn to the left at the top with a huge rut forcing you to the other edge: Getting Katrina to take a bite of broccoli. Inexplicably, I chose tonight to test her new reasoning skills, which, I discovered, are quite powerful, but not in my favor. One bite of broccoli was all she had to fulfill to earn herself a whole bowl of pasta. It was a challenge I immediately regretted, but didn't dare back down on once I'd started (not unlike riding a steep uphill: you lose momentum, and you're setting yourself up for a tumble...I always liked downhill better). Well, she refused to even try a tiny bite of cheese-covered broccoli, and ended up crying for her Mimi and had no dinner at all. Nice going, Mom. She won that one, hands down.

I joined the 21st century tonight, and started a Facebook account. I was floored to see that most of my longtime old friends who I looked for (Hillary, Andrea, Patty, Chris, Lisa) all had Facebook accounts. Facebook is for teenagers all right -- including teenagers who are now staring 50 in the face!

5/15/09

5/14/09 The Three C's

Coffee, Cheesecake, Chatter. What more could a mom want?

5/14/09

5/13/09 Ready for Kindergarten!

Julian had his pre-kindergarten checkup today. He's great!

Eye test, fine. About 20/30, expected for 5-year-olds. I was surprised to hear that it'd still get sharper, eyesight can still be developing at this age.

Hearing test, fine.


Blood pressure -- that tickles!


Waiting for the doctor for more tickling examination.


Stats: 43-1/2" tall (50%), 40 lbs (25-50%).

Julian was very brave for his shots, though he said, "I did say ow!"

Perfectly boringly normal!

5/13/09

5/12/09 Helping each other

This morning at 5am, our dreams of escape were shattered...Dave's turn to toss!

So he was in no shape to take care of kids or go to work. I got Katrina dressed, then got myself dressed and went downstairs to find Katrina sitting calmly at the island, with breakfast in front of her!

Gabriel had hauled her onto the barstool and gotten everything else, down to a placemat and a napkin. We're really not set up with stuff in kids' reach yet (and should be), and they're not in the habit of helping themselves, so this was a really nice surprise! What a terrific big brother.

Julian, meantime, was attempting his putzy "I need help" B.S. routine. He sat on the floor in his pajamas watching me as I unloaded the dishwasher, while Gabriel and Katrina ate breakfast, claiming he had no energy and was too tired to get dressed. I calmly told them about the time when my mother got really sick with pneumonia and might have to go to the hospital, and that we had to be really really good so she wouldn't have to go to the hospital, and how we found the energy when we were too tired.

He got "help" getting dressed though -- from Katrina. And though he did end up going to school with no breakfast, there was no major conflict either. He did start with the rude talk, almost by habit ("NO BREAKFAST?! How am I supposed to go to school?? MOM, do you even have a BRAIN? NO!"), but one reminder of the Rude Closet and he stopped.

Sick days aren't so bad when we help each other!

5/12/09

5/11/09 The Rude Closet

I swear we've been sold a bad bill of goods on discipline. Authoritarian and Alternative alike agree: warn, state a consequence, carry through firmly and consistently. You're done. Lesson learned. Right?

Why didn't anyone tell our children about this?

For us, carrying through with a consequence is only the beginning of a prolonged, painful conflict in which we suffer hours of screaming and crying and threats and defiance at every turn -- because we did something to them. This steep escalation used to only be Gabriel's department, and he's still the master, but Julian's screeching despair punctuated by enraged insults upon carry-out of a consequence is also absolutely horrendous.

It's like there's just no way out. I'm so on edge that I find myself clenching my teeth before asking (firmly, clearly, simply, calmly, kindly, positively and all the right things) for one of the boys to do something. And it's not all bad, but it can turn bad at any moment.

This morning, Gabriel lost a valuable alarm circuit thing, because he wanted to bring it to school, but only said so as everyone was getting into the car. We've talked many times that if he wants to bring something to school for Sharing, that it needs to be ready to go (in a bag, in his knapsack etc). If it's not ready to go, it's not going. He was so angry that he had to be dragged into the car and was so rude and threatening to Dave that Dave called me and asked me to put the circuit away.

Tonight, Julian lost a craft puzzle because he wasn't cleaning it up, and when the consequence of it getting put away (really away) was carried through, he completely freaked. His shrieking and howling were so savage that I had to leave the house and take a walk around the block.

What are we supposed to do?!

I was so upset at Julian's freakout that I tackled it sort of head-on, by calling him upstairs and getting him ready for bed alone. I needed some good time with him, and we all needed him to have time apart from Gabriel. He was still very upset about the craft puzzle pieces, wailing that the pieces were lost. I knew they were really important to him. Out of nowhere, I heard myself say that the pieces weren't thrown away, they got put away in a closet because of rudeness....yeah, yeah, that's the ticket, a Rude Closet. They're in the Rude Closet to get given away to a kid who's not rude.

I couldn't believe his reaction: wide eyes and genuine fear. "Given away?"

"Given away, to polite kids." I thought about renaming it the Polite Closet, but it just didn't have the same tone (sorry, positive parenters). He chewed on this. "What if I promise not to be rude?"

I ran with it, a la Carrie Bradshaw, who did what any writer does when put on the spot: "pulled an idea out of my ass." "No, no, the Rude Closet doesn't understand promises, only politeness. For five straight days!" I also talked to him very matter-of-factly about all the backtalk and rude talk and how it's just not allowed, and why, but it was all Charlie-Brown-grownup wonk-wonk-wonk to him. The Rude Closet on the other hand....that sunk in.

To my amazement and not-so-secret delight, as the boys were finishing up getting ready for bed, Gabriel appeared downstairs, with the same wide-eyed fearful face. "Mom...I didn't know about the Rude Closet....is my alarm circuit in there?" He started to cry -- cry! -- when I said it was on its way to a kid who wasn't rude. "What if I'm not rude?" "Hmm, I don't know, can you do that?" We talked about how long it should be in there for, and he said he thought it should be for the number of days in a row he's been rude, forgetting that he'd admitted it'd been least 5 days in a row (and I was being really generous with that). "OK. I'll think about it and talk to Dad later." Dave and I actually cleared a shelf and put their confiscated toys up there, in plain sight, tonight.

I was completely making this up as I went along. How many days, and how to track a particular toy's liberation date, general sentencing guidelines, I haven't worked through yet. In general, putting things away has its limits: kids quickly realize that they have nothing to lose now, and can be even more obnoxious. And the threat/consequence of giving toys away is nothing new. But for some reason, the prospect of quarantine in the Rude Closet has yielded the first sign of contrition yet. The devilish details will surely bring reality crashing around my ringing ears tomorrow, but tonight, I'll relish a small victory.

5/11/09

5/10/09 Mother's Day!

Being one of the biggest "hallmark holidays" today, I didn't want to go anywhere near any restaurants today. But I did want to do something with all of us, outside. The original plan was to go letterboxing at a popular shoreline park, but a big event made the parking impossible.

Plan B: a nearby baylands park. Maybe we could find another letterbox in this park via Dave's iPhone, but even if not (and that didn't work), nothing lost -- it's a neat nature preserve on the bay. It's mostly marshland with trails and wooden bridges, lots of birds, a duck pond, a launch for hand-carried non-motororized sailboats, and a small county airport right next to it.


We walked out to a vista deck on the bay that was really, really windy. Since we weren't expecting to go here, we weren't prepared at all. Katrina was wearing only a thin little dress, but she was pretty protected from the wind in the jogging stroller.




"No picture!"


This preserve abuts a busy county airport, with small planes landing and taking off every few minutes. We walked out to watch the runway for a while.



My little camera is no good at distant wildlife shots, but I loved these birds, so colorful.


Before we left, we attempted a photo shoot. Not easy given that the boys were in one of their impossible out-of-control giggle fits and that Katrina never likes her picture taken. This was the best we could do, but I'll take it!



I wish I could say that I spent today revering motherhood, reflecting on its joys and meaning and importance, but much of it was instead spent in exasperation at the constant rudeness and disobedience of boys. It is SO frustrating. Absolutely everything turns into a minor battle, something as simple as "close that gate" or "stop running that toy on the walls," is met with defiance, being ignored, escalation, or just plain No. By the end of the day, I was ready to snap at the slightest backtalk.

At least Katrina was competely, utterly delightful this morning especially, charming and sweet and saying adorable things and laughing a lot. The boys, on the other hand, defied every request, talked back at just about anything we said, and were awful again and again.

There were many good moments though. Thanks to moving and lots of toys having been stored away for a while, Gabriel has rediscovered his Snap Circuits and is taking them to a new level now, experimenting with his own circuits. Dave's been helping him a lot, and I get a kick out of watching them work together. It's watching my little boy growing up right before my eyes.


And Julian wrote me a song!! He asked for help spelling some words, and I suggested he put the date and his name on it, but otherwise, he did this entirely himself.

Sung to the tune of "Bingo":

I love you and she loves me and
Mommy was her name-o
M-o-m-m-y
M-o-m-m-y
M-o-m-m-y
and Mommy was her name-o
May 10th 2009
Julian

(I discovered that the way he writes a '9' is to turn the paper upside-down and write a '6'!)

Still, I could do without the insults ("bye UGLY MOM!") and the threats ("if you don't help me right now then I'm not going to put away my project") and the backtalk, ("no YOU put away my plate!") and the whining and crying ("I hurt my foot, I can't pick up the puzzle pieces!") -- and that's just Julian.

I'm losing faith that we know what to do -- it used to seem more obvious at night, when they're in bed and we can regain perspective and form plans and prepare for the next incidents, but today, I just have no idea. I guess nothing characterizes motherhood more than that.

5/10/09

5/9/09 Minastics

This morning I took Katrina to "minastics," which she claims to have great enthusiasm for, but then refuses to do most of the exercises. I got chatting with the mom of Zoe, a darling and very athletic little girl in Katrina's class, who turns out to be just 2 weeks older. Zoe is cooperative and willing and follows instructions and has a great time, whereas Katrina really stands out in the class as being resistant and refusing to try most things.

Another mom of another cooperative girl, Kira, said also that Kira wasn't so hot on gymnastics at first either, it took a session or two. But when I pressed, both conceded that their girls were hesitant and reluctant, but didn't scream or resist so furiously the way Katrina does.

Still, despite refusal occasionally escalating to full-on tantrum at the mere act of being asked, overall we did pretty well at "minastics" today.

Katrina completely refuses to join the warmup -- running and hopping across the room, one of the few things she can do easily.


She likes the trampoline though.


Inexplicably, she doesn't mind the "spider walk," which is walking her feet up the wall.


She's also OK with the low balance beam, provided she's holding my hand.


But daring to suggest she go on a different trampoline to get into her favorite, the donut? Forget it. The floor tantrum followed. Of course I don't force her, I encourage her, I suggest it, I imitate it, I sometimes carry her as I do it myself. This isn't about insisting she do something (except about turn-taking and not holding up other cooperative kids), she gets furious at the mere suggestion. Such as, "look, Katrina, Zoe's have a great time jumping on the trampoline!"


She did like watching Kira very competently climb the ladder and walk on the balance beam.


"No way Mom!" Katrina won't even touch the ladder, and I do mean touch -- she shrieked when I suggested she just put her hand on the ladder to see how smooth it is.


Stamp time! She likes the hand and foot stamps they all get at the end of class. Today none of the boys in the class showed up, but all 4 girls did.


I think that part of the problem is that Katrina's really not in her element. I joke about how clumsy she is, but watching how the other kids move around the equipment, it really does seem that physical coordination is a huge mystery to her. The rewards of swinging or jumping are a bigger stretch for her. I can appreciate that. But she loves finding shapes, colors and numbers around the room, and relaxes and lights up when there's a blue circle with a 9 in it to point out -- the contrast in her comfort level is remarkable.

After gymnastics, Katrina and I joined the boys at Bobbi's for breakfast. She's always happy to see them, and declares happily, "Brothers!"

Then we all went home for a busy and mostly productive afternoon at home. Dave and I are still starved for time at home getting things sorted or straightened out, and have a lot of energy for usually drudgerous projects like getting rid of stuff in the garage (still packed with furniture and leftover construction materials). I'm also sorting through all my remodeling-related papers, getting rid of most of it, filing a few things (receipts). Usually this sort of project is a serious pain, but I'm relishing cleaning out, getting down to the bare-bones, and mostly, unpacking my craft area so I can start scrapbooking again!

The boys were "bored" this afternoon (aw shucks too much outdoor play on a gorgeous day) and pulled out some slightly forgotten craft projects. Gabriel finally finished this helicopter, a cross between a model and a puzzle. A few pieces had broken along the way, and I'd glue and re-glued some of them. On one piece, I used a tiny piece of a safety pin to strengthen the broken joint. So it was a long road, and he was very happy to finish it today.

What do we do with things like this?

The evening was topped off with a nice round of popcorn for the whole family after dinner. I'll conveniently forget that Julian was removed after saying something about peeing in his popcorn (bathroom talk at the table is strictly forbidden), because otherwise it was a nice moment.

(shh...I think the stomach flu passed up Dave and Katrina after all, yay!)

5/9/09

5/8/09 3 down, 2 to go

Gabriel recovered pretty quickly from his tummy-ache and brief throw-up yesterday. But after we thought we were off the hook last night, Julian started. I should have known -- no tummy bug that's ever scourged this house has ever passed up his inviting system. Three bedding changes later, we finally cottoned on and put him on a sleeping bag on the floor, which in the morning was wet from another substance. Today I really wished we had two washing machines. The laundry queue went all the way down the hall. So far Dave and Katrina are holding up though.

I spent the day at home with Julian, still recovering myself, and we both spent a lot of it napping. He had plenty of energy to be a royal pain tonight, like screaming and crying from the bathroom that he needed help because "the toilet seat is too heavy to lift up!" Later when it was time to go upstairs, I asked him to put a project away first, and then found him playing with it instead of putting it away. And he was horribly rude to me when I sternly told him he was supposed to be cleaning up, not play -- he'd cut me off with a screaming, "STOP INTERRUPTING ME I'M PLAYING NOW!" It's enough to make the biggest sworn pacifist want to smack him.

One thing I don't get about this tummy bug....I wonder if it's from a common source? I was so bad off that I had no contact with Gabriel before he came down with it, and almost none with Julian, except when he brought me his blanket and kissed my cheek that morning though (awww).

That reminds me, this morning, Julian wrote me a note, calling to me from another room asking me how to spell, "You are special! To: Mama From: Julian" Awww again. It's funny remembering that right now, because I'm still ready to strangle him from the intense obnoxious attitude tonight. Such ups and downs! It reminds me of a line spoken by Miranda in "Sex And The City," about her 3-month-old son: "It's at this point in a relationship when I'd break up with the guy."

I'm sure I'll jinx it if I dare get hopeful that this bug passed Dave and Katrina over. Maybe tomorrow I'll try eating something.

5/8/09

5/7/09 The porcelain prayer

Last night I woke up around 3am with my stomach hurting. It was a familiar pain, one I'm heavily averse to and paranoid about, because it's the sort of pain I had for months in my 3rd pregnancy. I was restless and had an overwhelming urge to take my retainers out. That was a foreshadow, for soon it turned into a merciless morning of simultaneous vomiting and diarrhea. I don't throw up often. I never threw up once in any pregnancy. It's frightening for me, since it's so unfamiliar and signals that something is really, really wrong.

Well, nothing is really, really wrong, but I am really, really sick. It took all my energy to go downstairs and email a quick note to my manager at work. I crawled back up to bed. There was no way I was leaving the room today, let alone go downstairs. Then I developed a temperature too.

Then I got a phone call. "Mrs. Doudna? I've got Gabriel here in the office, complaining of a stomach ache..." Oh, no. I called Dave, but he didn't answer (meeting). I couldn't believe it. I was going to have to gather myself and go get him. I could barely crawl to the bathroom, let alone go out and drive. But this is what being a parent really is -- you dig deep and find strength you didn't think you had when your child needs you. Absolutely nothing else would have torn me out of bed today.

Gabriel's no complainer or story-inventor. He looked lethargic and sad, and within 5 minutes of getting home, he rushed to the bathroom and threw up too. I set him up in bed with a garbage can and a towel, and he went right to sleep. He got up a few hours later and is now playing quietly.

But it never happens that only one person in the family gets stomach flu. It sweeps everyone. This weekend is going to suck.

5/7/09

5/6/09 Backyard Play

"Look Mommy! TALL!"

(sorry girl, the genetic odds are against it -- but it's fun to play!)

Julian and Katrina were playing "camping." The playhouse was a cabin, the sand-strainers were plates (and alternately, hats), he was fishing for dinner, and she was mixing a cake.


Does it get any more adorable than this?

I'm glad he's practicing, because I've scheduled a camping trip for us in August (!! yayy !!). Julian especially is psyched for it -- and apparently, he'll be ready!

5/6/09

5/5/09 Zero tolerance?

Julian has been borderline unbearable lately. Anything we ask him to do, he responds with a rude tone, refusing, and then when we start to get mad, he feigns some injury and starts crying. If a consequence is meted out, he screams and cries so loudly that no one can talk to each other at all. I'm tired of him being so obnoxious and rude.

I braced myself this morning to not react to him at all, and instead to tell him something once, warn once, then follow through with the full-on response right away. This is a lot harder than it sounds, as there are many gray zones, such as what constitutes shouting or polite words delivered in an exasperated (rude) tone.

Mornings are especially hard, as he putzes around offers one stupid excuse after another for not getting dressed: "But Gabriel was DISTRACTING ME!" Today I tried my new approach, telling him once, then again, that when Dad was ready to go, he was going, even if it meant going in his pajamas with no breakfast.

I've made this threat many times, but usually I help him along with the various tasks because that is a very very painful threat to carry out. The pain would be easy to absorb once or twice if it permanently cured the behavior, but it never does. My goal wasn't to teach him a lesson this morning per se, but rather to practice this as a way of life with him, to learn to prepare for every confrontation with a battle plan. That's really a stressful way to live -- I can't so much as remind him to brush his teeth without thinking ahead about time in his room, or the front porch, or some favorite toy taken away, if he refuses.

And sure enough, Julian went to school today with no breakfast, carrying his shoes as he half-walked half-was-dragged across the wet driveway in his socks, wailing "I'm hungry! I'm hungry!"

And sure enough, it started all over again tonight, when he responded with "nooo-ooo, I don't WANT TO!" when gave him the exonerating warning that he had to set the dinner table in a few minutes. (The warning exonerates me, so that when I talk with other parents, no one suggests giving him a warning as though that will solve everything. In fact I think all warnings do is teach him that I say meaningless things.) And so, he ran down all the timers, used up all his warnings, and went to his room until dinner, where he screamed during most of everyone else's dinner, then came down for his dinner and went right back to his room for the rest of the night, as informed and warned.

I think this has to be supported with frequent, short, calm, listening talks when we're on good terms too. Though contemporary positive-parenting dogma has failed me in many ways, this sort of positive talking is an essential component for preventing this awful behavior. It just has to be in concert with a zero-tolerance plan for when he does act out.

So tonight before lights-out I sat down on his bed and talked to him about not being putzy tomorrow morning, that I know he's a big boy and can get dressed himself -- no putz, no rush -- and that it'd make me really happy if he has time for breakfast.

He oinked back at me. Without another word, I got up and left the room.

5/5/09

5/4/09 I Want Boys

Katrina's new thing in the car, the rare times I drive alone with her, is to ask about her brothers. She's quiet, or softly humming to herself, then out of the blue says, "I want boys." For once, it's not a demand or a complaint, just a statement of fact. When I repeat it back and ask her, "you want your brothers?" she smiles and says, "yes, brothers!" Today she added, "I want Julian...but I want Gabriel too!" Then when we arrive and she knows she'll momentarily see her brothers, she can't stop grinning. on the whole, she seems happier in the car when they're not there to bug her, but she claims to miss them. It's really super, super sweet.

Sure, the boys bug her too much and don't know when to leave her alone and let her play by herself, and they're constantly tugging her hair or taking her hand to kiss it at the dinner table, eliciting screams of objection, but I hope this love affair lasts a while longer.

"I want boys...!"

5/4/09

Wooden Models

"Crazy" Charles asks a good question -- what are these wooden models I keep referring to? They're simple, cheap little kits -- popular as party favors as they're about $1 at Michael's -- that come with tiny pots of paint and one of glue, paintbrushes, a little square of sandpaper, and the wooden parts to make a little model.

The first time Gabriel got one as a party favor, he asked me to help him with it. A combination of being busy with remodeling stuff, dreading dealing with paint, and having no interest in building a model made me put him off. Well, he wasn't put off, and he found a "splat mat" and spread it out on the floor, and got to work on it himself. I either overestimated how hard the instructions were, or underestimated him, because he did the whole thing by himself. Then Julian got one as a party favor, which he also set about on his own with a little help from Bonne Maman, and this kicked off the fad.

This is the first one Gabriel did, which he has since given to Katrina and done a much better job on identical Race Car kits.


This is a sampling of the models both boys have done. The three on the left are Julian's, and the three on the right are Gabriel's. Julian also does his entirely without instruction or help, other than getting him bowls of water to dip the paintbrushes into.


I love these things, and so do they. And bonus, you get the instructions in French too!

5/3/09 Some days ....

Are we allowed? Is it OK as parents to say "some days I just don't want to do this" ? Is it OK that some days you just don't like kids, your kids in particular, or the lives kids put you into?

Katrina had numerous impossible-to-please tantrums today, including a mondo one when she should have been happy and well-rested after a 3-hour nap. Julian was worse, whining and complaining and being rude and finding the silliest excuses to throw himself on the floor and cry.

Gabriel was pretty good, focused heavily on a new project (a 3-dimensional wooden puzzle of a helicopter), though he went to his room once for punching Julian. I really hate catching him in the act of punching when I know Julian deserved it -- I have to respond consistently and punish Gabriel for punching, while inside I'm meanly thinking to Julian, good, you asked for that, you brat.

Julian asked about playing ping-pong today, so as soon as Katrina went in for a nap, I pulled out the table. It is completely impossible to play with her there, she's constantly underfoot and demanding the balls and paddles. Gabriel joined, and the boys and I had a really nice time playing. I'm delighted that they're both getting a lot better -- we even got a few rallies going, where "rally" means the ball got hit back and forth twice. Real playing is a long ways off -- neither has any interest in forehand, for instance -- but they're both getting more consistent and are following my suggestions well.

They played a little together too.


It's funny, so often I berate myself for not being willing to spend time doing stuff with my children, but I think that's because it's the wrong "stuff." I can't bring myself to do craft projects together, but I can play ping-pong with them all afternoon. I think I have to stop berating myself and just accept that that's the way I am.

We're in a military airfield's flight path, and sometimes we get to see some pretty cool aircraft. This one is OK -- the really cool ones go by WAY too fast to even turn on the camera. A few weeks ago I caught a pair of fighter jets flying in formation and they were totally vertical when I first saw them, quickly straightening in a graceful arc to horizontal before landing.


At dinner, I tried to video Julian throwing one of his fussy-fits to see if it would deter him. It didn't, but I caught a sweet moment instead of Katrina feeding Gabriel. It's hard to pick out the sweetness out from behind Julian's kiniption (supposedly about the travesty of his napkin being trapped under his dinner plate), but you can sort of make out Katrina saying delightedly, "Gabriel like it, Mommy!"


Some days it's just no fun to be a parent, but even those days still have a lot of good to them.

5/3/09

5/2/09 Three's not bad

Today I took the boys to Michael's again to get more wooden models (I love that they now think Michael's is a great place to go!). On the inevitable perpetual line, the woman in front of me smiled at the boys' enthusiasm about their projects, and commented how sweet they are at this age (uh-huh, yeah, right, whatever). She said "Just wait until they graduate and leave," and I said I couldn't imagine -- even sending my 2nd to kindergarten was going to be hard, and then there's the sister at home. She made a face of longing and said, "Oh, you have another one too, a girl?" Then in one of those odd moments of intimacy and honesty that only strangers share, she said, "See, now I wish I'd had more than one, because when he leaves, that's it."

Usually people's reaction to my having three children is "oh, really?" in a "better you than me" sort of way. It's rare that I get genuine envy.

5/2/09

5/1/09 The Unwelcome Return

Dinnertime tantrums and migraines...I think it's a coincidence. Really, not needed. Please go away.

5/1/09

4/30/09 Precaution as a way of life

I must have better things than this to blog about, but this sticks in my head. Yesterday at work, a pretty high-level executive sent a reassuring message to employees about the swine flu, entitled "Precaution as a way of life." He went on to say that we must maintain the "same diligence" as we always have with hygiene and hand-washing, but must add "extra focus."

(One thing I never understand about the stated requirements for effective hand-washing: how long does it take to kill germs? 20 seconds? 30 seconds? As long as it takes to sing Happy Birthday? As long as it takes to sing Happy Birthday twice? I've heard all of these. But what happens after 15 seconds, or if you don't sing the last "Happy Birthday to YOU" line? The rules are stated so arbitrarily that they become meaningless -- there's obvious benefit to hand-washing, but I truly have no idea one should actually wash, or how, to achieve the most benefit.)

Aside from the contradictory writing, the overall point was to be careful in life as a day-to-day policy. I like him well enough, but I can't agree with that. Safety must be a calculated judgement of risk versus benefit, or we'd never leave the house, or get into the bathtub in the house. Life has its dangers, and focusing too heavily on their avoidance could only diminish it. Precaution as a way of life? Sounds risky to me.

4/30/09

4/29/09 Staging

Can't talk now...appraiser is coming to check out our house tomorrow, and I need to make it look showroom-perfect again! When our contractor and architect did their photo session before our open house, they brought stuff to stage it with, including this rooster.

I thought this was hilarious, especially since of all things I find unattractive in kitchens, it's images of poultry. Although looking at it now, I kinda like the little guy.

And I need the rooster now! If only my kitchen still looked like this:

Which it did for about two hours for one day, before it discovered that it was not brought to life to be pretty, but to lead a life of hard work. And it has, but tomorrow, it needs to be a smiling model again.

4/29/09

4/28/09 Milk Mouth

Katrina takes her milk very seriously!

I took the photo because the milk mustache, the glass of milk and the milk clock in the background all sang in chorus: "t a k e a p i c t u r e..." The goofy face was just a bonus!

4/28/09

4/27/09 Is she home yet?

For Christmas, Julian got the unusual gift of a book of the original Wizard of Oz, annotated and with all original illustrations. Everyone knows the movie, but have you ever read the original book? I did as a kid, and it's excellent and very bizarre. I'd like to re-read now it as an adult, as it's filled with nuances and political statement of the time. Even if you miss those, as I surely would even now, the language is rich and archaic and the story is complex and woven.

Dave's been reading it to the boys, moreso Julian, page by page, for months. Consequently, Julian has been very concerned for quite some time about whether or not Dorothy gets back to Kansas. When his grandparents were visiting, out of the blue he asked Bonne Maman, "Does Dorothy ever get back to Kansas?"

Today I experimented with a different route home, which meant picking up Julian first, and having some rare time alone with him in the car. As we were on our way to pick up Katrina, I was idly listening to NPR, when I suddenly heard from the back, "Mommy! Guess what! Dorothy made it back to Kansas!" I turned down the radio, and listened, fascinated, in exquisite detail, about how the Good Witch told Dorothy she had the charm in her silver shoes (in the book, they're silver), and that on the very last page she gets home to Kansas and to her Aunt Em (in the book, she's Aunt, not Auntie).

I'm not even sure he knows there's a movie, and I saw no need to tell him right away. Clearly, Frank Baum's original story is still very captivating and fills the imagination. And how can you replace Julian's joy and relief from learning, after months of following a fascinating epic journey, that Dorothy made it home?

Certainly, I relate very well to one of life's simplest joys -- going home -- too.

4/27/09

4/26/09 Growing like weeds

Growing, growing, growing...everything grows around here. Today was a day to tackle that.

Katrina's hair is gorgeous, and I love it long and wild...but the ends are starting to look rough and Dave finds it hard to comb out. Also, it gets in her face and mouth without my putting it in ponytails, and that's iffy with her.

So I authorized a haircut, on one condition: that I not be within a 30-mile radius when the operation occurred. Dave agreed and took her to SuperCuts, for a moderately successful trip. Dave reported that the haircutter was taken aback by Katrina's objections and suggested a postponement, but they sounded quite mild compared to what I endured the one time I took her for a hair trim.

She was adament against a photo, but the back of her head couldn't protest. Before.


After. Still quite pretty, I think!


In the front, it's a cute little pageboy cut. And it doesn't need barrettes or ponytails, though I think I could still put them in if I'm in a girly mood.


This afternoon was satisfying, spend doing stuff around the house that you'd just never do if it weren't your house. The flip side is -- we have to do it! Weeds are growing like weeds. Dave did some weed-whacking, while Gabriel helped pull some by hand.


Then weed #2 helped sweep up.


I did things like repair a picture frame, put up a broom rack in the garage, set aside bags of baby toys to give away, stowed away excess lumber. Lots of "nothing" jobs that are so great to have done, and so nice to be home to do. Our 9-1/2 months in a different house are behind us now, but they're still recent enough that the simplest days in our real home are novel and joyful.

And speaking of rampant out-of-control growth, I even got everyone's fingernails and toenails trimmed this weekend. That's by far the most significant accomplishment!

4/26/09

4/25/09 The non-joiner

Dave took Katrina to gymnastics this morning, and reported with regret that it's really not fun. He wants it to be fun, it's always fun to have some one-on-one time, and she has moments of being fun in class. But mostly, she resists and refuses, partly from fear, but from what I saw, mostly just for the sake of it. She seems to be untroubled by peer pressure -- everyone else is hopping across the room, having a great time, but instead she'll stand and stare with her finger in her mouth.

This made me think -- all the activities I've taken her to, she's never really been into. Music was OK sometimes, but it was really touch-and-go, as she'd get into a State at any time. Swimming was a disaster. She's great at school and daycare, including the Y daycare, so maybe her stubbornness is all for our benefit.

Today at lunch, Katrina insisted on sitting on a chair in the dining room, at the table still covered in cloths and boys' craft projects. The rest of us were in the kitchen, where she too normally sits, but today, she wanted to be alone in the dining room as everyone else bantered and laughed together in another room. Thinking about her in gymnastics and pretty much every other group activity I've taken her to, then sitting alone at lunch, started to put it together. She's not antisocial -- daycare shows that -- but she definitely has some sort of strong streak that either makes her not care, or actively resist, joining in groups.

Tonight she was a serious grouch, and when she said she wanted to play outside, we practically shoved her out -- PLEASE! Play outside! And she did. She was outside by herself until past 8pm -- almost an hour -- when there were only a few last scraps of daylight, and only wearing a T-shirt. We couldn't believe how cold her arms were, but this never bothered her. She could have come in anytime, but playing outside, alone in the cold and dark, was what she wanted.

4/25/09

4/24/09 Crafty Boys

After swim lessons today, the boys and I picked up Katrina and got home at a nice early 4:45pm. I was all set to change into my frumpies, snag a chocolate snack, start dinner and burrow in at home....but Gabriel was all excited about a wooden craft project he'd just finished. The boys had both done one they'd received as party favors and really liked them.

I commented idly that these wooden craft projects were easy to get at Michael's, and Gabriel asked excitedly if we could get some more. "Sure," I said. Then a parallel spirit quantum-leaped into my body and said, "Let's go!" "RIGHT NOW?!" he asked, incredulous. Mom never says "right now" unless it's about following one of her orders. "Yup, right now!!" My pajama dreams evaporating in a sudden flameburst of Good-Momness, I piled the crew into the car, and off we went to indulge in some materialistic consumerism. The boys were beside themselves.

These wooden craft projects are small and cheap, but the boys have a great time with them. And, they were on sale, for 79 cents, down from $1. Fun doesn't get any cheaper than that. Gabriel picked a biplane, and Julian picked a military boat, and they both immediately got down to business when we got home.

(BM & PP, you'll recognize these projects: Julian did a similar tractor while you were here.)

Like how they're set up in our "formal" dining room? Clearly, this is not a space devoted to storing china that no one ever uses. Seeing our one dining table covered in tablecloths, paint and glue brings me far more joy than a perfectly presented "formal" dining area anyway. It's so much more alive this way.

That said, the kids really do need a craft table, but there's a small impediment to that: "glue girl." Paint, glue and cups of painty water in reach of crafty little sister with a propensity to confuse Elmer's for body lotion says that the dining room table is a fine place for craft projects. Even it means we can't eat on it.

But the boys' new devotion to crafts meant that Katrina very very VERY happily played outside by herself, not screaming or crying once in almost an hour of very very VERY happily toddling about without any interference from brothers. This made Mom very very VERY happy.

And oh JOY! A new freedom!! She can open the sliding door to the backyard and let herself in and out! I can cross "doorman" off my Mom resume!

The boys are having a terrific time with their swim lessons. Their favorite part is at the end, when they have five minutes of fun time, but they're both smiling and greatly enjoying the time in-between too. And I think they're even learning to swim in the process.

I'm increasingly impressed at how well some kids -- younger than Gabriel, even -- swim. These lessons are a far cry from my days holding onto the edge and kicking to nowhere. I can already see how much more comfortable the boys both are in the water, though I also saw Julian fall off the mat during playtime and the teacher have to pull him out. They're still a ways off from being water-safe, but this is a great start, and they're loving it.

Julian and his classmates, lined up like little ants, awaiting the fun time as their stylish teacher sets up.


The "magic carpet" during playtime. Gabriel's class did the same thing this time (playtime activity is different every week) right next to Julian's class, so I captured both classes. Wow, I even captured the moment in which Julian fell off and his teacher pulled him out -- no emergency (at about 00:33 in the video). They're both having a great time (each boy is on the far left side of each mat). The "magic carpet" play is a little more advanced in Gabriel's class, where the teacher rolls the kids off the mat; Julian's teacher mostly pulls them around. They both love it.

As I see it, this isn't just play -- it's using their new skills without even realizing it, incorporating them into fun, and rounding out their general water competence. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm convinced that the hours my sister and I spent jumping off truck innertubes into our pond upstate was an essential part of our water-learning. And FUN! Please, let's not forget fun amidst all this learning!

I thought I'd be bored waiting half an hour during the swim lesson, but actually, I can't quit smiling at all those childhoods unfolding in the pool around me.

4/24/09

4/23/09 How many days until 6?

I've often said that children aren't really "stressful" -- very annoying sometimes, but not truly stressful. Then I amend that to exclude Gabriel's toddlerhood, which often was truly stressful and had us wondering if we'd done the wrong thing.

But now, sometimes Julian's 5-year-old-ness is approaching stressful too. This is definitely not the best place in his life. The putzing around in the morning, the complaining, the disobedience (modern parenting parlance calls that "not listening," but it's really the same thing), the rudeness -- still just "very annoying." But the constant pestering of Katrina is bordering stressful.

This afternoon, despite strict orders not to touch it when Katrina is near, Julian again closed the heavy 4'x8' backyard sliding door on her hand, claiming he didn't know she was there. Never mind that they were facing each other inches apart, and that she was shrieking in pain as the door pressed against her soft little fingers. I was so upset I was almost in tears. In shaking half-whispered tones, I ordered him to his room until dinner, clutching my wailing baby. For once, he didn't hurl back insolent remarks or throw himself on the floor with a fabricated injury, and instead he quickly and silently retreated to his room.

I can't wait until 5 is over.

Tonight Katrina said out of the blue at dinner, "I want Bonne Maman and Papa Paul!"

4/23/09

4/22/09 Camping on the mind

I've been thinking about camping today, largely due to a wonderful post on one of my favorite blogs about a recent camping trip (and a brave one, in the mountains in April, meaning, brr!). And because I've been thinking about my former motorcycling life, which involved many many camping trips.

At the moment we're not planning any trips at all -- we've got to get our lives under control after so much upheaval with moving and remodeling -- but thinking about camping again gets my imagination going. I wonder if we could squeeze in a long weekend sometime this year...

Then tonight, Julian asked me out of the blue, "Mom, when are we going camping again? I loved it!"

Coincidence or clairvoyance?

4/22/09

4/21/09 Tuesday dinner

I went to a regular Tuesday dinner with old motorcycle friends tonight, with Dave's encouragement. Two couples we know who travel indefinitely -- one by bus, one by boat -- were visiting, so it seemed like an especially good opportunity to dip a toe back into my old life.

It was so interesting being there, falling right back into my former -- real? -- self. So familiar, yet many aspects seem new: sitting through a whole meal, finishing a whole sentence, listening to a whole story. When I used to attend these dinners regularly, I was strong and self-confident; my career was flourishing, my need for adventure challenged with frequent motorcycle trips. For the most part during those years I was seeing another motorcyclist, and that hasn't changed either (except that we're married and have three children, details details).

A topic that often arises is if I'll ever ride again. I don't dare really ask myself that. Practicality, my ally and nemesis, and what got me started motorcycling in the first place, says no. I started riding because of free parking anywhere on the UCLA campus -- and my first bike got 70mpg! -- but I got hooked in it for travel. Motorcycling is a high-overhead activity, not just in the gear, bike, space, time and money, but for me there's the added physical and fear challenges. I was able to cope with those hurdles with experience, constant practice and intense desire, but I'm not sure those are as strong now.

I was never a thrill-seeker speed-junkie weekend-afternoon fair-weather squid -- even adrenaline scares me. The things that attracted me to an apparently dangerous activity weren't about the danger, and are still in me: the need to accomplish small goals, the desire to be moving in the outdoors, the mental catharsis from a repetitive activity, the endurance challenge, the paradox of wanting solitude and company. Trail running satisfies much of that too, though ironically 1 year of running injured me far more than 10 years of motorcycling ever did. Still, the stakes with motorcycling are much higher now. It's not just my life I'm risking anymore, it's four other people's too.

Will I ride again? It's about as likely as was my starting to ride in the first place, or having three children. Both were unlikely to the point of improbable. But they happened.

4/21/09

4/20/09 Adieu!

I took Mom and Paul to the airport this morning, but not before one last photo-op.

What a wonderful visit! We had a perfect balance of doing things and not doing things, a lot of unfettered time, and lots of great cooking. Oh, there were some down moments (most of which involved Julian), but the good far far outweighed the bad. I'm delighted that the new kitchen and guest suite work very much as I'd planned, and the proof is in having satisfied and comfortable guests.

I decided to take the rest of the day off to handle some affairs I've put off for too long, but first, my first "real" run in months, and on an absolutely beautiful day. It's unseasonably hot right now (Gabriel told me it reached 106), but it's still green and springy and made for some wonderful earthy fragrances on my favorite trails at Rancho San Antonio. In the old days, a 4.5-mile run would have been merely maintenance, but it was a good challenge today. I haven't felt so mentally alive in weeks.

Tonight at dinner, Gabriel asked to be excused before eating much of his dinner. I reminded him that he had to go do homework, something we've all happily forgotten during the weeklong recess. "Oh yeah," he said, looking outside wistfully, "I forgot about that." I told him I knew a great way for him to put off his homework a little longer: eat his broccoli! "Oh, OK!" he said cheerfully, and delved into his healthy green vegetables. I like it when homework works for me!

4/20/09

4/19/09 Heat Wave

It was HOT today! A few days ago we were shivering in a biting wind, and today was an unseasonable, at any time of year here, 90 degrees. I'm a lizard in this hot weather, I love it. I could spend the whole afternoon sunning myself on a rock if my children would let me.

This meant I could put Katrina in the one cute summer dress I have for her, not that she really let me take a photo, as she lounged around in the toasty backyard. At least she happily permitted the dress.

Before she arrived in the backyard after a shopping trip with Dad, I'd been having fun practicing ping-pong with Julian, but she and her demands quickly put a stop to that.

Both boys managed major knee-scrapes today, the sort that has them anxiously looking for Mom, Julian in tears and Gabriel hopping from the intensity of the injury. Some cleaning, kisses and brightly-colored band-aids restored all limbs to full function.


Katrina is working on giving up her nap -- after an hour and a half of yakking continuously in a Pak'n'Play crib (that worked two days ago!), we gave up and she played outside for the afternoon. When brothers weren't bothering her, she was engaged in a digging, moving, and sorting project for over an hour. Dave said it took a shower and two baths to scrape the dirt off her, and even then she looked like she still had a layer left. That's-a my girl!

My philosophy on dirt is: the dirtier you got, the more fun you must have had! I guess some Moms might get upset about the new dress thing.

Mom and Paul and I walked around downtown Los Gatos this afternoon, crowded with other sightseers and window-shoppers, wallets firmly closed with a steely paranoia. In different economic times, especially with my mother there to confer with, I'd never make it out of Williams-Sonoma without buying something. Instead, we happily looked over the various items and chatted about what we could have used in the massive flurry of cooking we've done this week. It was fun to see the expensive frittata pans they sell, using a wonderful recipe for a leek-gruyere frittata to help sell said items -- that I adapted this morning to a single hand-me-down cast-iron skillet a former boyfriend left behind, with great success. Our Sunday brunch included French Toast, a bowl of freshly-cut fruit, Pavel's Russian yogurt, maple-brushed baked bacon and the leek-gruyere frittata. Mm-mm-MM. I've put on 5 pounds in 6 days. Or is that 6 pounds in 7 days? At least I had some help consuming the yummy blueberry mini-muffins and mango mousse and pear clafouti I couldn't resist making.

Alas, reality rushes back in after when Mom and Paul depart for cloudier and colder pastures back East tomorrow morning. School starts again, work resumes. How many days 'til summer?

4/19/09