6/20/09 Outdoors day

Our disastrous landscaping has been bugging me, and there's just so much disaster. Most of it is completely visible from the street, and I'm getting tired of being the neighborhood eyesore.

I planted this small potted rosemary plant when we first moved here. It's grown into a monster that oils anything that brushes by it, which is everyone and everything as we enter the house. It's in a bad spot. From time to time, I hack it back. Today was the day.

Before.


After.

I actually left more than I have in the past. It will recover. This was fun; Julian helped me put all the cuttings in the yard bin, which he completely filled. He really was a help, not to mention being really good company.

I knew Betsy and her bunch would be at our favorite nearby park, so I took Julian and Katrina and stopped by. Julian and Andrew had a great time playing and chasing each other.


They found some tennis balls (Andrew had one and Julian found one, something like that), and fortunately were in a great place to throw them, as this park has lots of open field area. A young teenage boy got involved with them and played with them for quite a while, catching the tennis balls in his hat. I chatted with Betsy while the boys were completely absorbed in ball play.


Julian puts his whole body into throwing, it's pretty funny. Betsy said, "He has an arm!"

Hmmmm, maybe I should look into baseball for him....he's pretty good at batting too. (Where "pretty good" in this non-sporting household means "better than Gabriel.")

Meantime, Katrina played on the play structures, even climbing up a little.


After home, lunch, nap, it was back to more outdoor work. Katrina joined after her nap, with her hair in a hilarious swept-up do, a leftover from a quick ponytail I stuck in so I could give her a quick rinse-off bath before nap without getting her hair wet. I've mentioned our landscaping is really bad, but it's not just ugly -- it's very very dusty and the kids get filthy in minutes. This is really a problem!


I also hacked back my rose bushes, with Julian's help, then Dave let him water the few remaining stalks (which I also know from past experience will grow back), with Katrina's "help."


And where was Gabriel in all this? Sick as a dog, poor thing. He was getting a cold last night, but today it turned into a full-blown cough and fever. I really wish that normal, peaceful, unstressful days around here could be had when one of the boys isn't out of commission. What a difference. Gabriel's lethargy meant a lot of good time with Julian today for me. Isn't there a way to do that without one of them being laid out flat on the couch sick all day?

(I can't believe it, he still sleeps with his right eye slightly open, he's been doing that since he was a baby.)

I like working outside, but it's a little discouraging just how much there is to do, and how very many different places around our oddly contoured lot need attention. And all our work is just that -- work. Yardwork, landscaping, getting rid of overgrown things, trying to stay just barely ahead of Mother Nature. No actual gardening. Still, I think it's time to plant a new rosemary bush.

6/20/09

6/19/09 Grounded by the pool

I was exhausted today after being awake much of the night, then getting to work unnaturally early (8:15?!). I've decided it's time for some changes regarding work...on the same day that California announced its highest-ever recorded unemployment rate of 11.5%. Yeah, that's the day to decide to stick it to a generous and flexible employer!

As tired and angst-filled as I was today, I found odd solace in the boys's swim lessons. I expected this would be a drag by now, but I've really come to look forward to it. I like chatting with them on the way to the lesson, I like watching them laugh and splash and work in their lessons. I thought I'd hate waiting, but I love it. I bring a book, but I hardly read it. Mostly, I watch my strong healthy burgeoning sons, marvel at their energy and growth and think about how much I love them. This time is really grounding for me, and brought me back home after a tossing-and-turning night and intense work day.

We usually run some or other errand after swim class; today it was returning library books and borrowing new ones. And running around in a small redwood grove outside the library.


And then, after this wonderful boy-time, I am happier than ever to see my now mostly-darling toddler girl. Katrina's usual demeanor these days is cheerful and silly and playful, though her demanding insistent bossy side is still alive and well.

Today she actually permitted a few photos, goofing around walking backward. I'm always happy to encourage such athletic feats from her!




This shot cracks me up, like she's some sort of model twirling for the camera. Models don't wear pigtails, silly!


Very sweet. And I got a few very, very welcome moments of peace when I first walked in the door, thanks to some pooped-out boys and a new set of Rainbow Magic fairy books.

6/19/09

6/18/09 The Workout

I was all set to swim tonight, especially since I just wasn't feeling well in the stomach and my head is filled with angst and ideas about the summer, work, and life. Stomach upset, confusion, probably related -- that calls for a good long swim to work it all through. I was so bummed when I arrived at the pool and found it closed. It happens, but, bummer! Why tonight?

A poor substitute, but I figured I'd stretch a little and do some situps in our room while Dave put the three through the usual bath/bed paces. To my surprise, Julian asked if he could join me. He was really interested, and put in a really good effort in following what I was doing.

Then Katrina joined us. She was supposed to be in bed, but lately she's entered that Excuses little-kid phase of life. But how can I tell a kid they can't exercise? Dave told her just a few minutes, then she had to go to bed when Mom said. She seemed like she really wanted to do the simple stretches with me and Julian, but I think she just doesn't know how to imitate. Athleticism and body awareness are not among her gifts.

Actually I was anxious for them to go to bed so I could concentrate, but I realized what an opportunity this was. I want them growing up thinking exercise is just part of day-to-day life, and fun, not just a drudgerous activity you "should" do. It's as important to good health -- and in my case, sanity -- as eating well. And it was a really really nice way to spend some calm, focused time together, which I was guiltily aware they don't get enough of from me. They both went to bed without complaint.

Julian's been doing an extra science class at preschool once a week for quite a while, and I told the teacher in email that he's leaving next week. I'm sure she's disappointed, because the classes are a little pricey and are the first thing to get dropped when parents are cutting back. But having talked with her before, I do believe she has a genuine enthusiasm for teaching little kids science concepts, and I don't think it's only a sell job when she tells me how wonderful Julian is in the class. I smiled all day at her final note:

He is definitely ready for K! I enjoy watching his mesmerized look when he is listening and absorbing information, and is then ready to share. I am so glad he is enjoying science!! I am going to miss Julian.

It's so funny, now that we only have a few days left of preschool, it seems like an eternity. Julian mentioned today that he's tired of taking naps, and he's increasingly jealous and interested when Gabriel comes back from the CDC with paper airplanes or stories about things he did today.

Time to go, Miss Excuses has to pee for the 4th time since going to bed an hour ago.

6/18/09

6/17/09 Graduation talk

Talking about Julian's upcoming graduation tonight, Julian asked us very sincerely, "When are you going to graduate from work?"

Yeah, when. Noooo kidding.

First things first, kid. I am so psyched for Julian to join Gabriel in the schoolkid environment. I think he will thrive and blossom, he is so ready. I'm starting to wish I could graduate from work and join them.

6/17/09

6/16/09 Getting the job done

Last night, tired of Julian's excuses and complaints for not setting the table (it's his week, lord help me), I told a fabricated story about work, that went something like this: Me and my coworker Carol both needed some papers from John to get our jobs done: "But John didn't finish in time. When our boss asked me and Carol if our work was ready, I said, 'No, because John didn't give me his papers.' But you know what Carol said? She said --" I gave them a cliffhanger pause "-- YES." I tried to let the power of that one word hang and gave them a knowing face.

"But how?" Julian asked. I answered, "Because found what she needed anyway, and she got the job done. *I* just told the boss that it wasn't my fault and gave him a bunch of excuses and reasons. But Carol got her job done." More pauses. Then, brainstorm: "And you know what? The boss KNOWS John didn't do his work! And he knows that Carol got her job done even though John didn't help her! John got in trouble, I got nothing -- but Carol got a gold star."

I was trying to teach a lesson about taking responsibility, like getting the table set even though someone is "distracting" you (Julian's best excuse, he's not even very creative). Still, I felt like I was engaging in one of these "magazine moments" -- parenting advice touted by adults, but is lost on kids. Julian seemed to take this in for a few minutes, before the borderline bathroom talk started up again. There's only so much poop-free talk two little boys can take.

Driving home tonight, Julian asked me if "John" bothered me at work today. I said no, but a computer program did (it's true, the newest version of MS Word froze on me at least 5 times today). Then, when we got home and entered the kitchen, Julian said something so miraculous I thought I'd just entered a parallel world: "I'm going to set the table RIGHT NOW so that I get the JOB DONE no matter what!!" And he did. Straight out of a magazine! Even if it never happens again, I'm encouraged.

6/16/09

6/15/09 When old meets new

My mother told me about a time once when my grandmother (her mother) shocked my mother's misbehaving older brother by sticking him in the shower with all his clothes on. My mother remembers thinking of that as being a harsh measure, and when I first heard it, I thought so too. My mother never had to resort to anything like that raising us.

But that was before I realized: at the time, my grandmother was in the same boat I'm in: two boys and a girl. (My grandmother actually went through more than that, including burying premature triplets after the two boys, then having another girl for a total of 2 boys and 2 girls.) Still, by today's standards, that's a harsh physical punishment, one that especially positive parenting would discourage.

Tonight, once again, was marked by the usual struggle to get the boys to respond to anything I tell them. Whether I'm asking, reminding, telling, instructing, demanding (I don't plead)...doesn't matter, I'm routinely ignored. By bathtime I'm especially short-fused. Once again, I was completely ignored when I asked, reminded, told, instructed and then demanded they get undressed for the bath. Katrina was also fussing -- happily a rare occurrence these days -- so I was in no mood for extra steps.

When Katrina was done with her bath and calm, Julian had just barely started to get his shirt off. I asked myself, what's the first tenet of positive discipline? Natural consequences. What's the natural consequence for still having your clothes on when it's bathtime?

Well, how about, you get in the bath anyway??

And so, I pulled Julian into the bathtub, fully clothed, and sprayed him with water. It's bathtime, and if you can't get your clothes off in 15 minutes with numerous warnings, so be it.

I hoped it would finally break the hysterical giggling-ignoring state the boys were in, and it did, moreso than I expected. Julian howled and wailed, and Gabriel screamed and shouted at me and tried to stop me. Normally he cheers on any action against his brother, but I'd crossed a line and kicked him into protective mode. But I did succeed in finally, finally getting them to stop ignoring me and tearing apart their room instead of getting ready for bath.

What a remarkable intersection of old-fashioned physical shock discipline and modern-day natural consequences. However, no matter how you look at it, old school or new, I doubt it worked, as both boys clearly blamed me for their misfortune and only responded obnoxiously when I asked them what they thought I should do instead ("how about I spit in your face, Mom?"). They don't connect their own actions to consequences. They can learn to avoid unpleasant things, like Mom flipping out, for practical reasons, but I'm sorely skeptical they'll extrapolate any larger lesson from it.

They calmed down by storytime, and with the forgiving amnesia of young children, both gave me very sincere hugs and kisses goodnight. And I...well, I hope I can go my grandmother's way on this one, who probably didn't give the incident another thought.

6/15/09

6/14/09 Hidden Villa Farm

There's a private farm not far from home that's a popular spot to take kids. Incredibly, I've never been there. Today one of my Las Madres group had a tour planned, and I decided to join. It'd have been smart if I'd looked back on emails and noticed that we were supposed to sign up. Or, even smarter to notice in email this morning that one family of 4 was sick and was bailing. Two stupids made a smart, and it worked out.

Gabriel's been to Hidden Villa before and was disparaging about going, but Katrina wanted to see the "aminulls," so I insisted he join us. Not much choice anyway; I really wanted to get them all out of the house once today.

In the Hidden Villa parking lot, where I discovered that my camera's battery was low, so I had to be conservative about photos.


This was GREAT! We had such a great time! The tour guide was an enthusiastic knowledgeable young woman who was great at talking with kids. Two of my mom friends had been there before, and they agreed it was much much different -- and much much better -- with a knowledgeable guide.

First, we went into the sheep and goat field. I was delighted -- thrilled to see Gabriel not only relax, but get really into it. Katrina and Julian were afraid of the friendly goats, but liked seeing a chicken coop inside the field. Gabriel had a great time, answering questions the guide asked, and asking his own questions. He's not a show-off kid, but he did seem to enjoy being the high-ranking kid there; his age (he was the only grade-schooler) and experience (from having been there once) showed.


Katrina was nervous about the goats at first, but liked the mellow sheep better. I almost had her touching one sheep, when the sheep squatted and took a big pee right in front of her. This proved to be a very significant moment later.

Next, we walked to a chicken field. The guide talked to us about the chickens and how to feed them, and gave the kids handfuls of feed to throw to the chickens. Gabriel was the only one brave (well, old) enough to take her suggestion of putting the feed on your shoes and letting the chickens eat it off your feet.



About now, an amazing thing happened. Julian kicked into student mode, and became quite serious about this visit. He asked many questions, and ran ahead to stay with the guide, almost puppy-dogging her to ask questions and listen to what she said. He got so really, really into it -- so much so that he hardly even smiled until lunchtime. I was fascinated and proud to see how studious and inquisitive he was. Gabriel too -- both boys stayed up front and asked a lot of questions, though Gabriel's were more pointed and directed. Julian just wanted the information flow to continue; Gabriel had to know about specifics, like a solar panel in the garden. This tour was for a group of Katrina's peers, but I was so so happy about not only how well-behaved my older boys were, but enthusiastic and involved.

After the chickens, we went on to see some pigs. Katrina again witnessed a pig taking a leak in its designated spot (pigs really are clean animals), and this again made a big impression on her.

Then the farm's organic vegetable and herb garden. The guide talked about the 6 parts of plants that we can eat, and picked samples for the kids to try. Julian was really in his element here, and tried everything.


A tunnel to get out of the garden.


Though my camera battery forbade taking too many pictures, thank goodness Sonia was there with hers!


After the wonderful tour, we had lunch at a picnic area. By now, it was past 1pm and I was worried about Katrina. She hadn't "gone" since we left the house, before 10:30am. I knew she must have to go, and I'd already tried to get her to use a toilet at the farm. Absolutely, no way, not.

When it was really time to leave, I packed the boys into the car and tried one more time to get Katrina to go. Lucky me, I hit upon a bathroom that happened to also have a shower in it. I stripped her from the waist down and tried to get her to pee in the shower...she thought about it, but, no. I washed her hands, hoping the water would inspire her. It didn't exactly, but she stopped screaming NO when I suggested going pee in the grass. So I carried her bare-butted out of the bathroom and found a spot behind a building where I could set her down barefoot comfortably. I talked to her, and incredibly, she agreed to go standing up. "Look mommy! I went pee in the grass like the sheep!"

This is the first she's gone outside our home or Tonya's home, a huge breakthrough. She was very proud of herself, smiling widely and saying again and again, "I went pee in the grass like the pig!"

All three kids had a really great time. Julian couldn't stop talking about it: "I really love Sue!" (the guide) and kept telling me about the questions he asked, and one he "got right" (guessed and was confirmed by the guide). It gave me a little insight into how he'll be as a student someday. He has a serious putzy side, but when he's interested in something, he gets consumed and you can practically see his mind opening and casting a net for any and all information. So different from his brother's laserlike focus, but almost as intense. Mostly, they all had so much fun. And so did I!

6/14/09

6/14/09 Poor Julian

Another busy Saturday planned: gymnastics class, another Las Madres picnic, then a potluck party at one of our longtime moto-friend's house. I was especially looking forward to this last event; it's fun to see old friends and I really like their neat old house.

But Julian woke up with a temperature and feeling not-so-good. I decided to take him to gymnastics anyway -- it was Katrina's last class and she was really psyched about it -- and he did OK there. He and Gabriel sat and read Cam Jansen books, though 10 minutes before the class ended, he complained of his tummy hurting. We spent another 10 minutes after class in the bathroom since he thought he'd throw up. I was grateful that Gabriel was watching Katrina in the reading area while I was tending to Julian in the bathroom.

Katrina did great in gymnastics -- cooperative and willing, even! She let the teacher help her with a "skin the cat" and a backward somersault, and while she still has her bugaboos, she happily went through the sequences, showing signs of actual competency at some. Today was the last gymnastics class, so the teacher gave a cookie to each kid.

(An amusing moment: when I was in the bathroom with Julian, I heard one of the moms in our class tell her son (about Katrina's age), "No, mommy took the cookie away because we don't eat cookies." Geez, I thought. I'm strict, but not that strict. Mommy, who had a big problem with overusage of Mommy in the 3rd person, continued, "That's not a healthy action." A healthy action?! I was so stunned I couldn't guffaw. What new book did that come from? "But Mommy can get you some fruit when we get home." Now really. Fruit for snacks is great, but does that really make up for being the only kid in the class not allowed to have a special cookie from the teacher? Katrina was very happy -- proud even -- about her cookie.)

Today was Katrina's last gymnastics class this session, but I signed her up for the next one. It's really remarkable; as resistant and impossible as she was at first, she loves it, talks about it all the time, and practices the moves at home all the time.

But it was clear we shouldn't go anywhere else today. Julian was feeling awful, and was at 101.9 when we got home. He spent most of the rest of the day in bed, downstairs, where I could check on him all the time. I felt so bad for him.


At one point this afternoon, while Julian and Katrina were napping, I had some rare time with Gabriel alone. I'd bought an inexpensive ice cream maker on sale yesterday, so this was a great opportunity to try it out. Gabriel and I made vanilla ice cream, which came out too icy and not creamy enough, but was still a good start.


After Gabriel and Katrina had dinner, I decided to stop by the grownup party to drop off what I'd made for it, hoping that getting Julian out of the house would improve his outlook. Sometimes if you're not too too sick, you just need a change of pace, and he was acting ready to do something else after lying in bed for 8 straight hours. So with a healthy does of rationalization, I gave it a shot. Our friends are the owners of a local landmark pet shop and have rabbits at home, too...I mentioned bunnies and that was it, Katrina couldn't stop talking about seeing bunnies.

Katrina certainly needed to get out, she was thrilled about the drive to the Rose Garden area of San Jose; calling out joyfully on the drive there about the mountains and purple clouds and birds. Her wonder-filled observations delight the boys, too. Ah, childhood.

When we arrived, the boys stayed in the car (by choice) while I took Katrina inside. There were two other 2-year-olds there, all born within a few months of each other. The other girl, Emiko, is only 5 weeks younger than Katrina, but is so open and friendly. It was adorable how quickly she walked up to Katrina and started talking to her and showing her her dress and asking Katrina questions. Katrina's not shy, but she's nothing like that.


Then the bunnies, of course. Katrina wasn't afraid, to my surprise, but was very interested. I chatted with grownups while she played with the bunnies, painfully conscious of my sick son in the car.



I was relieved that Julian found the energy for two yogurts when we got home, though he rested some more while Gabriel and Katrina and I spent almost an hour in the backyard cleaning up construction garbage. Lots of nails in what used to be our lawn. After bath, Julian felt much better and was acting a lot more normal too.

Being sick is no good, but spending all day in bed -- leaving your brother with no one to rile him up -- can be a welcome break. For everyone.

6/14/09

6/12/09 Last day of school

I took the day off work today to pick up Gabriel from the last day of first grade! Why is this is this so significant? I can't explain it. I'm just bursting with pride and happiness today. It's just so amazing how he's growing up. Still so much a little boy, but every day, a real person emerges.



I have a second-grader now. And, just as significant, a truly official kindergartner too! Julian still has two more weeks of pre-K, then I'll take another day off work for his graduation ceremony.

After swim class we went to Trader Joe's, where I unfortunately had to banish Gabriel to the car so I could shop without stopping to tell the boys to quit running, hopping, pushing each other, spinning in circles, touching everything, shouting, and generally being incredibly obnoxious. This was supposed to be their mellow time after swim class. Separating them was the key, and then the "examples" lady doling out samples (which Julian loves) complimented Julian's good manners. "Too many kids never thank me," she told me. If only she knew!

Then we went to pick up Katrina, who we found on a walk with Tonya (36 weeks pregnant!) on Tonya's nice tree-lined street, along with Dylan and Adam.

Katrina was having a great time, to my relief. She's been saying more and more that she wants to go to TLC, she doesn't want to go to Tonya's. In most ways, I like Tonya's better than a "real" daycare, but I think Katrina likes being around more kids. At some point, kids outgrow family daycare, even if Mom never does.

We have Tonya to thank for this:


Lots of milestones around this house these days!

6/12/09

6/11/09 Paper airplanes

The boys were impossible tonight. Lots of hitting and fighting and crying, but that was the good part. It's much more worrisome when I hear them cooperating and guffawing completely out of control. That's when stuff starts to get thrown and furniture starts to get knocked over.

For a while it was OK. They were having air races with paper airplanes, which Julian was bound to lose because Gabriel made his airplane (at my insistence to make up for punching him).

Unfortunately this ramped them up, and they were nonstop trouble through the bedtime process, and into bed up, where they're still bouncing off the walls as I type.

But Netflix has been kind to me today, and I'm ready to go curl up with Twelve O'Clock High, starring the absolute most compellingly handsome actor ever born -- and that coming from a huge Clark Gable fan.

6/11/09

6/10/09 Little potty no more?

I wish I had bigger or more interesting news than this, but it's high on my list for exciting events today. Katrina went from vociferously refusing to touch the real toilet to suddenly agreeing to sit on it and being outraged when I tried to hold her up. "DON'T HOLD ME!!!" she demanded. Well, excuuuuse me. I thought you were terrified!

After this, I slipped upstairs and hid the baby training potty, so it wasn't an option around bathtime. She totally got it and said, "oh, there's no little potty!" and very competently climbed up a footstool and sat on the real toilet, holding herself up with her hands, no potty ring. Tonya has taught her well; Katrina's completely comfortable with it. Who knew? (I do have to remind her to turn around sometimes though; an artifact of watching brothers.)

(And in the TMI department, I wasn't sure how to teach a girl to wipe, but it seems that comes naturally; Katrina wants to since she pees all over her legs anyway.)

The next hurdle for using toilets away from home will be the lack of footstool, since that seems to be integral in her confidence now.

Julian had a great time in his science class today, and couldn't stop talking about a paper plate, a magnet and a paper clip, which he brought home. The paper clip goes on the plate, and the magnet goes under the paper plate and moves the paper clip around on top of the plate. In the class, they apparently put paint on the paper plate and then used the magnet under the plate to move the paper clip around to spread the paint. Julian wanted the paint part when we got home, but there was no way I could deal with that. "But Mom!" he implored, "that's the science!" "No," I told him. "The magnet holding the paper clip is the science. The paper clip moving the paint around is the art." Indeed, what a perfect way to use art to teach science.

In any case, he was satisfied when we talked about what else the magnet's force could go through: glass, aluminum foil, plastic; and we tried numerous things around the house, which devolved to seeing what the magnet would stick to around the house.

I wish I had more time for things like that, but it's just dawning on me how demanding it can be to potty-train a toddler. Once again, I find myself so often putting the boys off: "Can you wait, I have to go take care of Katrina," or dropping everything at any moment to help her. Changing stinky underpants is a 2x/day habit now, and depending on what she's wearing she needs help to go. Other times she takes care of everything herself, and the only way I know she went is hearing the toilet upstairs flush.

I washed the little potties tonight and as soon as they dry, they are destined for the give-away pile in the garage.

6/10/09

6/9/09 The single-parent household

Dave went out of town for a week today. I get to be single parent while Dave prioritizes being a son over a father for a few days.

Julian was concerned about this. As I was picking him up today, this conversation ensued:

Julian: "I don't like it when people I love go away and leave me and then I have to live alone."

Me: "Well, you still have me."

Julian: "Yeah, but I don't love you that much!"

Some basic adorable silliness tonight.

I took this video because I was intrigued by the relatively cooperative game between Katrina and Julian. This is now Katrina's default state -- silly, cheerful, playful, giggling.

But when I see this clip now, what strikes me is how Gabriel didn't budge from his Snap Circuits, humming to himself constantly. He does this for hours. He's very into testing his circuits lately, asking lots of questions about different components, reaching to understand amps, volts and ohms. It helps to have a Dad who's an computer hardware engineer and can answer these things.

Being a single parent means serious streamlining of chores. That meant: group bath. And, using every asset I can find, which tonight meant letting them go to town with a set of bath paint.





Ahhh....a House marathon on USA network, just what a single parent needs.

6/9/09

6/8/09 The Helper

It's truly noteworthy that tonight, a "cleaners night," we had an unprecedented level of willing, cheerful, voluntary and even initiative-taking help cleaning up, from a most unlikely source. Sit down and take a deep breath: Julian resurrected his Angel status of his early youth. Yes, Julian.

I'll allow for the fact that he was at least in part motivated by seeing the deep hole of doo-doo Gabriel was progressively digging himself into, and wanted to play The Good Son. Whatever works. Gabriel's resistance was uncharacteristically half-hearted, as having lost ice cream tonight, he knew ice cream tomorrow was on the line, and kept his brimming rage just barely under control.

Potty-training update: At Tonya's, Katrina had another accident-free big-toilet-only day. At home, I caught her in the act of pushing pebbles into panties and quickly scooted her to the loo, but she wasn't able to proceed in the proper place. Partly, I think she just doesn't know how to poop sitting down!

One of 4 times she ran to the little potty to pee tonight, she didn't quite make it. My fault for not accompanying her, and having put on her a pair of snug shorts she couldn't pull down herself quickly. But, to my surprise, she cried..... cried? I've never experienced this before. I certainly understand it can be upsetting, but neither of the boys were ever fazed by accidents, so I wasn't prepared for the tears. I comforted immediately and effusively, hoping it was enough.

A revival of her old dinnertime tantrum tonight reminded me how very far we've come. For the most part, nowadays walking in the door with all three of them is hectic, but not really stressful anymore. Tonight was a happily rare exception, an intrusion in the chaos that passes for calm around here. I'm glad she's let me forget the stress.

Mostly, these days, she's cheerful and silly and delightful. There's nothing quite so dazzlingly charming as a happy two-year-old.



Especially this happy charming two-year-old.

6/8/09

6/7/09 D-Day

It's always D-Day around here, but today, it really is D-Day. Or rather, the 65th anniversary of the Allied invasion on the Normandy beaches.

Thanks to my GI troubles (that's GastroIntestinal, not General Issue), I got a lot of rest yesterday, and spent most of the evening zoning at the TV. A mostly unlikely thing happened though: the History Channel had a useful, in-depth, un-flashy, fact-based program (no UFO huntings) about Pearl Harbor. I guess a program about Pearl Harbor makes sense the day before D-Day, right? Maybe they'll air something about D-Day on December 6.

I'm no history buff. It was consistently my worst subject in school and I never had more than a passing interest in it. But for some reason, WWII history has recently compelled me, perhaps because it's old enough to be history but new enough to have footage and living memories. And now that I've actually seen a historical artifact up-front, it brings it all so much more to life. It makes it less "history" and more "something that really happened."

I really liked this program about Pearl Harbor. Most interestingly, there were many interviews with elderly Japanese pilots who attacked and survived it. I liked the practical little details, like that an important wire message was delayed in being delivered because the recipient at the Japanese embassy couldn't type well. Or that the Japanese pilots felt that a sneak attack was shameful.

OK, OK, boooo-ring, I know. What I'm leading up to is: now, I'm dying to go to Oahu (until last night it never occurred to me what island Pearl Harbor was on!) and see the USS Arizona memorial. I'm always dying to go to Hawaii, but now I have a slightly more legitimate excuse, if macabre gawking counts as legitimate.

I felt a lot better today, so spent a productive afternoon in the garage taking care of Things that always need taking care of, but are never more urgent than being annoying. I replaced the wheels on our ping-pong table, I notched the legs of an office cabinet so it'd just barely squeeze into a corner, I cut down the 30" legs of a barstool to 24", installed a robe hook, did more general cleanup and putting things away...very satisfying. I could spend weeks getting the house together, but it never works that way. There's only so much of this you can do at one time.

A photo from yesterday, just in from Sonia. This might well the be only shot in existence of us three!


6/7/09

6/6/09 Picnic Day

Ugh, what a nightmare, literally. I was woken up countless times last night by intense cramps in my abdomen and stomach pain, capping off two days of general gastrointestinal distress and discomfort. I'd stayed up late to finish off all the food preparation for today that I knew I'd never do in the morning, which includes cutting things, wrapping them and making them transportable. I was so tired it rivalled my #1 Most Tired Night ever, the night we moved back home (almost 4 months ago!). I'll never forget how completely wrung out I was that night, dying to collapse and blow everything off, but still had to make lunches and find breakfast cereal. Last night wasn't quite like that, but I was reminded of it.

I was bitterly disappointed that a packed day I was looking forward to today risked being ruined by this tummy trouble (not stomach flu but something seriously irritating my entire GI tract). It already made me miss some work this week, broke my streak of daily exercise and disrupted my grand ideas last night of taking the boys to a Movie Night at school last night.

So this morning, Dave took Katrina to gymnastics, something I've come to really enjoy doing. Today was the last class, but I signed her up for the next session. As resistant as she is in class, she talks about it all the time and then does things from the class outside the class, like walking on lines as though they're a balance beam. She's getting a little more cooperative in class, in bits and pieces, and I really enjoy the time alone with her. Which this morning I spent in bed.

This was a first -- she went to gymnastics in underpants. She's been in underpants all week, but she's far cry from potty-trained, so this was a big experiment. She agreed to go pee in the little potty at home before getting in the car, but went into a complete rage about being compelled to sit on a real toilet at the gymnastics facility at class. It was worth trying, because Tonya has gotten her to use a real toilet at her house, all day without accidents on Friday! A big step! But at home, or for us, nuthin' doin'.

After Dave and Katrina returned from gymastics, I went to Tonya's baby shower without any kids, glad to get out of the house and forget about how bad I felt. It was fun; I like baby showers and all things baby when I'm so secure in the knowledge that I'm not going to have any more!

Then I called Dave and he brought the kids to the park for an annual Las Madres picnic for the 2006 group, which was conveniently about a minute away. Of all things today, I didn't want to miss this. The kids all love this park, I don't do enough park time with them, and I really like the low-key Las Madres 2006 group. Besides, I knew I'd spend the rest of the day in bed, so it'd be nice to have some of the day outside and appearing normal.

Thankfully, Dave ended up staying and minding Katrina on the big-kid playground. Not to mention helping me being prepared to face the inevitable problem of what to do if Katrina had to go pee. A park is a good place to test this; lots of places for her to go outdoors, if she will.


But, a bucket of water intervened; her clothes got wet and I'm sure having her hands in the water added to some unfair inspiration and distraction. So the big showdown didn't happen here, it happened in her pants and that was fine. I carry lots and lots of extra clothes now!


Meantime, the boys suckered Gina, Andrew and Dylan's Dad into pushing them on the swings. Honestly. They're 7 and 5, they can pump themselves just fine! Clearly Gina and Andrew have had a lot more practice and are much better at it. I hate standing and pushing kids at swings, which is why the boys asked someone else, who kindly obliged. It's embarrassing! I was annoyed later when Julian admitted he hadn't thanked the generous Dad, despite several reminders to which he responded with annoyance, "I KNOOOOWW."


I didn't even get many pictures, though I did ask Sonia to take a few of us that she'll pass along in a few days.

And indeed, I spent the afternoon napping and channel-surfing in bed, until boredom drove me out. I actually found the energy to make dinner and to write tonight, but after Publish Post, I'm done for the day.

6/6/09

6/5/09 Movie Night

Today (ok, yesterday, this is a retro-post), Gabriel's school's PTA hosted a Movie Night: Kung Fu Panda, which Julian has been really into lately (the book, that is).

It started at 8pm, creating numerous logistical problems. Starting with one for me (because, it's always about ME!), I had a goal of exercising every day this week, and had a 4-day streak going, and wanted to swim from 7:15pm-8pm. Not to mention a busy day tomorrow -- Tonya's baby shower and a Las Madres picnic, both of which I wanted to bake for, plus kid-sandwiches for the picnic, plus a present to wrap. Could I sit through a movie that night? I didn't think I could leave them there alone.

Well, my tummy solved all the logistical dilemmas -- no swimming, no going out. I felt horrible all day yesterday, despite a long nap in the morning. I just couldn't shake it. The smell of pool chemicals during swim lesson didn't help at all.

But even though I hadn't psyched the boys up for the movie, I still felt bad about it. I wish it had been on a different night, and then I would have taken them to the move and stayed with them. So I made it up to them (really, myself), by digging out some of our kid-movies, still packed in a box. The boys picked a "SpongeBob Christmas" video, and for the first time since we've moved home, they watched TV.


They were awfully peaceful during the movie. But, I didn't like hearing it while it was on. I also didn't like the time constraint it imposed, how we had to wait until it was over to do anything else (like bedtime for Katrina). Worse, the boys were whiny and complainy afterward about being bored. I'd actually interrupted Gabriel working on a new circuit, Julian reading and Katrina playing outside for them to watch SpongeBob (which they did really enjoy watching).

Maybe the collateral damage of TV-watching would subside if they watched TV on a more regular basis, or if we all watched movies together that we'd all like (SpongeBob isn't bad but it's not my thing). As I discovered when Gabriel was a todder, for the most part in our current lives, there's more to be lost than gained. The reasons are different, but the balance remains. This is mostly a practical, not philosophical perspective, one of those living day-by-day parenting decisions, one that can't even be elevated to be called "principle." It just works for now.

As it turns out, whatever was bothering my tummy developed into full-scale intestinal war during the night, and I spent much of the next day watching TV. I didn't say I don't watch!

6/5/09

6/4/09 Where things don't belong

What's wrong with this picture?


10 minutes before I took this photo, Julian came to tell me that he'd kicked his shoe off by flicking his foot. "DON'T DO THAT," I instructed, keenly conscious that Positive Parenting principles say not to say "don't," but what to do instead. I just couldn't come up with a positive alternative. "Don't kick your shoe."

Minutes later, I heard a sickening sound of impact, followed quickly by the boys calling frantically, "Mom! Mom! Come here!!" The truly alarming thing is the big dish-shaped piece of glass off-kilter.

Well, I imposed a "natural consequence:" Julian can't wear shoes in the house for a few days.

6/4/09

6/3/09 Positive Discipline

Tonight I attended what for me is a "refresher course," a talk on Positive Discipline. As many of my Mom friends know, I often felt like the Positive Discipline methods failed me, made me feel guilty and inadequate and like a failure. As I learned later, the real problem was that my child didn't read the book.

It shouldn't be called "Positive Discipline," because it's not about discipline at all. It's about positive parenting and general practice -- good stuff. I think being creative and humorous and adjusting environments and speaking in positive terms (what a kid can do, not just what they can't), is important and the way we all should be as a first line of defense. There's no harm in it, and much to be gained. It's a far cry from the "children should be seen and not heard" methods of decades ago, and this thinking has gone a long way toward improving my mentality and relationships with my kids when things are good, and certainly reduced conflicts especially with Julian when he was younger.

But Positive Discipline falls short for when, well, discipline is needed, for when kids don't simply back down when a natural consequence is presented, or is given a gentle but firm instruction to "use your inside voice" (instead of "no yelling") and completely ignores you. There seems to be an assumption that you explain something to the child and that's that, the incident is over. And some do -- I can see that moms of Katrinas, who crumbles and cries when scolded -- would think this stuff is easy. But moms of Gabriels, who only escalated into lengthy, futile struggles, are left feeling helpless and inadequate.

I was frustrated again that Positive Discipline speakers routinely suggest you don't pick a battle when someone asks how to handle a battle they've already picked. There's much to be said for avoiding battles, I do it as much as possible, but there's no way around it: sometimes, you choose a battle. And we're allowed and shouldn't feel guilty about that. In some cases, there is no battle to pick if a child isn't following a family rule -- you can't offer choices or redirect or eliminate a problem item from the environment. Sometimes you just have to enforce. Positive Discipline talks don't talk a lot about enforcing rules (unless they have to do with safety, in which case they're "limits" and those are OK).

As an example, one mom asked about a nightly battle with her 3-year-old daughter, who throws a huge fit when it comes time to turn off the TV and sit down to dinner. She's really mad! (the daughter). The speaker advised to really validate the child's feelings -- acknowledge as forcefully as the child that you understand how mad she is ("I know, this REALLY makes you mad!!"). OK, fine, good stuff. My "validation" of my kids' feelings is evident when Gabriel furiously venomously hurls at me, "I AM **FURIOUS** WITH YOU RIGHT NOW MOM!!" Yes indeed, he's developing a rich emotional vocabulary.

But then, the speaker advised to offer the TV-watching 3-year-old a natural consequence: dinner stays out for 15 minutes, and then goes away, and if you're hungry later, too bad. Presumably, the memory of her hunger will cause her to reconsider the next night. So the child -- a three-year-old -- can decide to watch TV or eat dinner.

I was appalled. This is the same thing as just giving in to a 3-year-old's tantrum to watch TV. The child learns the next night to have dinner? I don't know, in my book, most children learn from this "Hey, I don't have to do what Mom says -- all I have to do is throw a huge fit to watch TV and miss dinner, cool!"

The speaker then talked about children's nutritional needs, and how missing dinner causes Moms angst, but it really won't harm the child. OK, but a hungry 3-year-old who just got their way can certainly harm Mom for the rest of the night. No mention of the effect it might have on other children observing the situation.

I personally am pretty proud that we've converged on a far, far better way to deal with food battles and dinnertime behavior (thanks to extraordinarily persistent Gabriel): separate them. We have rules about dinnertime, but no rules about eating. The kids must go to the bathroom and wash their hands before dinner, they must sit down to dinner, they must ask to be excused, and must put their plates away. Actually eating? That's up to them. Dessert or bread is out of the question without finishing vegetables, but everyone has a night when they don't feel like eating, and I can't second-guess someone else's stomach. I hope they eat, and encourage it, and sometimes distract them from leaving by telling a story, but ultimately, if someone decides not to eat a bite, so be it.

I wish the Positive Discipline speaker would offer this sort of strategy to frustrated parents, instead letting a tantrumy 3-year-old watch TV and sort out the natural consequences of being hungry. Parents shouldn't feel guilty about taking on that battle to establish rules. And you know what -- even Katrina is in the habit of putting her plate away after dinner. She needs help, and sometimes she refuses, but then I pick her up and "make" her do it anyway.

I guess a lot of this would work better if I didn't have time constraints when I get home, if I never had an exceptionally strong conflict-seeker, or three children. Or rules.

However, I found that talking about the upcoming Positive Discipline talk was very, very effective tonight! Julian was mortified when I told him tonight that I was going to go ask a lady tonight about what to do when little boys don't listen. "No you're not!" he retorted. "Julian, you can say whatever you want, but I'm going." "I'll listen!" he said, deeply concerned. I told him, "Well, sometimes I have to tell you again and again and again not to fight in the car or make siren sounds in the house, and when I do tell you, you ignore me or keep doing it." "Then send me to my room!" he answered frantically. "Well, when I do that, you complain and ignore me or throw yourself on the floor pretending you hurt yourself and kick stuff along the way and open drawers and slam doors or you just don't go." "I will, I promise!!" I was amazed how effective it was "telling" Katrina that I was going to ask the lady what to do about putziness in setting the table, when Julian ignored my 2nd reminder. Then he spurred into action!

His distress was genuine and heartfelt that I was going to tell this nebulous distant power about his bad behavior. So I kneeled and hugged him and told him I was also going to tell the lady how I have a wonderful little boy who's almost in kindergarten, who loves Cam Jansen books, how I love it when he's my sous-chef, how proud I am of him. I kissed him and tickled him and told him how much I loved him and that I couldn't possibly live without my Julian and that I would tell the lady allll about how much I love him. I didn't have to dig deep, it's all completely true and very present, bubbling to come out. I could go on for hours about how I love him. He beamed and smiled and relaxed, then gave me one of his exquisite kisses.

See, I actually have learned something from positive parenting.

6/3/09

6/2/09 Car swap

Once again, we had to drop my car off at the dealer to investigate a strange whistle-y noise under acceleration. Exactly the sort of thing people call Click-n-Clack about (you know, CarTalk on NPR), but Dave thought a local mechanic should look at it. Can't argue with that, but it involves trucking the whole family up to Redwood City after dinner and bath, and takes up much of the evening. (There is a closer Subaru dealer, but the one we go to is a lot better.) Someday, someday....someday Dave and I will be able to run such errands at night without bringing everyone. Or better yet, Honda will come out with a station wagon with decent gas mileage.

Getting into the car, we ran into our very friendly and nice next-door neighbors, who, inexplicably, adore our children. They told us they always hear Katrina singing in the backyard, as she often plays very close to the fence which is right on their kitchen window. Katrina wasn't thrilled about Bo-Yuan picking her up, but she didn't object either. Bo-Yuan told us she always hears Katrina singing while playing in the little playhouse that's right by their kitchen window.


Another new turn in potty-training: Katrina has figured out this is a great excuse to get out of bed. "I have to go to the potty!" I have to respond to this of course, but most of the time she just sits and giggles, happy to have found a way to capture my attention. I make the most of it and try to find ways to get her to sit on the real toilet -- lid down of course -- with very limited success so far.

Sigh...I guess I shouldn't be too anxious for that new Honda.

6/2/09

6/1/09 Who loves you, baby?

On the way into TLC to get Julian, Katrina objected:

K: "I don't WANT to get Julian!"
Me: "But you love Julian!"
K: "No, I don't love Julian. I love GABRIEL!"

Tonight, little love for either boy. WHAT is so funny about various colors of diarrhea?

Still zerosville with potty-training. Except tonight I found one thing worse than finding a poop in underpants: not finding it. And having to look for it. Bleh!

(And I wonder where my foul-mouthed sons get it?)

6/1/09 (It's JUNE! 2 more weeks of school! Better yet, 24 more days until preschool graduation!!)

5/31/09 Grumpy boy

My goodness, is being an obnoxious 5-year-old just a "phase" ? Gabriel and Katrina handle sleepover just fine now, but Julian didn't waste a second turning on brat mode when they got home this morning. Fortunately, he announced he was tired and went to his room and took a long nap.

I resolved to take Julian somewhere alone today, just to give him some one-on-one time. I coupled that with an errand to Home Depot (with reluctance; I hate running home-improvement errands these days), then took him to the library. He had a great time picking a huge stack of books and playing outside the library. Later, Dave took him along grocery-shopping alone too.

It's remarkable what a pain he can be around his siblings, and how delightful he is to be with alone.

5/31/09

5/30/09 Wall shopping

Saturday's priority was, of all things, shopping for retaining wall materials. Landscaping stuff is hard to pick from catalogs. As it turns out, it's not easy to find at real stores either -- ironically, the brick-n-mortar stores were short on brick!


At least one place was very pleasant and attractive to be in, and had a cool little fish pond. Katrina loved it.


This is very typical of the dynamic with the three of them. Gabriel frequently near Katrina, often with his arm around her.


And Julian pestering her, her shoving him aside and screeching.


This morning, I took Katrina to a really successful gymnastics class. She voluntarily did some new things (somersaults) and needed no coaxing for some new favorites (walking her feet up a wall, balance beam), and didn't throw any major fits. She really enjoyed having my full attention and physical play with her during the class, and I did too.

We're in a nowhere zone with potty-training. She's doing great with going to the little potty if she has to pee, but refuses to go before getting in the car, refuses to go in anything other than the baby potties, and always poops in underpants. I had no choice but to put a diaper on her for gymnastics, with regret. I know we'll get past this, but I sure wish I had some idea how.

Sleepover tonight! For the grownups, dinner and housewarming party at a friend's house. Ahh.

5/30/09

5/29/09 Swim boys

I left work a little early today, partly because I was dog-tired from sleeping horribly last night from stomach trouble, and partly because of stomach trouble. But leaving early (well, earlier) proved to be a good thing, giving me a little time at home alone before going to get the boys for swim lessons. I was able to pick up Gabriel just after he got out of school, and for once we weren't rushed getting Julian and then to the swim school on time.

I once thought I'd hate waiting around during lessons, especially swim lessons, since I had so much fun doing swim lessons with them when they were babies. But I really like being there. I like the sounds, the activity, the energy, and seeing them in the water. The hectic part -- getting dressed and undressed -- is greatly mitigated by the fact that I only really have to deal with Julian. Katrina isn't there, and Gabriel takes care of himself in the boys' room.

The only downside to these particular swim lessons is that I don't think Julian is being challenged. When I see him he's either waiting, or being pulled around on his back. He used to swim across that same pool when he was 3. But he really likes it. Gabriel is making good progress, swimming well with his arms, though he doesn't know how to coordinate breathing yet.

My boys. I just adore them. I adore them before swim class when they're still rowdy, and really really adore how mellow they are afterward.

I don't need to be a full-time Mom, but I do want afternoons with them after school.

5/29/09

5/28/09 Underpants Day

"Underpants" ? Tonya chuckled that Katrina calls them "underpants" instead of "panties," which puzzled me at first. Why wouldn't you call them underpants? Then I realized: this is the difference between raising girls instead of boys.

I'm not sure, but this might be it -- after a stinkie in a Pull-Up this morning at preschool, Katrina did great in underpants the rest of the day, just one accident (isn't there a better word for that?) at 5pm. Once we got home, she had 2 more "accidents," (one of which was no accident but her ongoing deliberate refusal to use the potty for #2), but also the now-regular successes.

Despite the huge challenges of getting her to go near real toilets, agreeing to pee before getting into the car, and considering the potty for #2, I'm having a hard time imagining going back to diapers. Even at nighttime, it's seeming short-lived: this morning, she woke me up at 6:30am (moments after Dave had gotten into the shower, argh), asking to have her diaper removed so she could go.

I know the reason for this new attitude toward potty-training. It's because I spent over $60 stocking up on diapers and Pull-Ups last week.

5/28/09

5/27/09 "I'm so proud of you!"

This is pretty funny -- every time Katrina uses the little potty, she's very happy and proud of herself. Then she repeats what she always hears from grownups: "I'm so proud of you!"

I sent her to Tonya's in underpants today, and she did great except for one stinkie. It took Gabriel months to get solid on solids, so once again, it looks like she's taking after her brother. Tonya likes consistency, so she's going there in underpants every MWF now. At TLC, out of courtesy to the busy preschool teachers, she's going in Pull-Ups on Tu/Th, but that's only for a few more weeks, and I might talk to the teachers about trying underpants next week depending on how this weekend goes.

Someone again today suggested getting a portable potty to keep in the car, but I just can't imagine carrying that around. What, I'm supposed to carry it -- and its eventual contents -- around museums, the beach, grocery stores, hikes? Blah. No, she's got to learn to squat. Better yet, to use a real toilet. Her relentless resistance doesn't mean it's not sinking in -- that's a pattern with her: no no no no no no no no no no No No No No No...then suddenly -- OK!

Gabriel reminded us tonight that when he wants to give us trouble, he's the master. One rude comment escalated into being warned, then removed to the dining room for dinner, a swat for a particularly rude one ("then you stop being so STUPID Mom!"), a toy banished, two more toys banished, then sent to his room for the rest of the night.

It's stressful and unnerving facing off with Gabriel, because you just don't know where -- or if -- it's going to end. He can easily outlast the last resort. Julian's been the main source of evening angst around here lately, but he withers and screams and cries and carries on. It's intensely annoying, but in a strange threadlike sort of way, we're still in control. With Gabriel, our control is a thinly veiled illusion that someday, he'll break through like a karate kick through rice paper, unleashing his furious power.

Katrina, thank goodness, when scolded or even told gently that she can't do something, busts up into angry tears. This is much better; there's no escalation and she can generally be distracted or comforted out of it (though tonight she SHRIEKED in protest at being told -- gently -- not to play with the swinging door). If she were my only child, I might be mystified why smacking a defiant child would ever be necessary -- clearly there are other ways out of difficult situations! Sure, if they're like Katrina and actually respond or even cry when they're scolded. There's rarely any need to do anything more physical with her than to pick her up and move her. As much as she takes after her older brother, she doesn't have his iron backbone or icy courage.

Meantime, I'm so proud of her sudden turnaround on potty-training!

5/27/09

5/26/09 Grandfathers

Julian, in one of those classic childhood innocent moments of poignancy, said to me today, "Mommy, some grandparents live in California." A stab went through my heart. He equates grandparents with far-away distant relatives that you get to see once or twice a year.

Like me, he'll grow up without any extended family in the area who you see on holidays, at parties, and random weekend afternoons. My kids have aunts and uncles and cousins and yes, grandparents, and they certainly know that they're special in their lives, but they don't get to see them on a regular basis.

I never knew any of my grandparents. My grandmothers died before and soon after I was born. I did meet one of my grandfathers, but by the time I was 14, he was succumbing to dementia to the extent that he confused me with my mother and was losing his English. And he lived in a nursing home in France, so it's not like we could pop over easily for a visit.

With my recent immersion in WWII history, I remember now that both my grandfathers were in WWII. That's actually odd when you do the time math -- being born in 1963, I'm actually on the old side to have a grandfather who served in WWII, as most of those were kids in their late teens drafted in the early 1940s. Both my grandfathers were in their 40s during WWII.

The grandfather I did meet was also in WWI -- my mother says that her father joked that he was the youngest corporal in WWI and the oldest lieutenant in WWII (in the French Army that is).

My father's father was career military, in the Army Corps of Engineers, a civil engineer by trade. He fascinates me because of all the old photos I have, that my brother rescued from a decaying box in a barn at my Dad's house, of destroyed bridges and buildings that he took after D-Day. He's smiling in many of the photos I have of him, and my brother also found a newspaper clipping of a story in which he used his gift of gab -- and a smattering of high-school German -- to persuade some Germans to surrender in a small town in France after D-Day. A photo-taker, an engineer, a yakker -- I'd have related to him! And the 5-year-old girl in me wonders if he'd have liked me. That girl only saw that grandfather once, in his casket at his funeral, a sight sufficiently shocking for a 5-year-old that the image is still with me.

My mother's father with my 8-month-old mother (who was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen), 1940.


My father's father, undated photo, probably in the 1930s as he looks to be in his early 30s.


It's funny, an irony of getting older myself, that I feel the loss -- or rather, absence -- of grandparents more now than I did as a kid. That's just the way it was then, I didn't know for normal. I'm grateful that my children will have grandparents in their lives, as I didn't. But my guilt grows that it's a surprise for them discover that some grandparents live closeby.

5/26/09

5/25/09 You get what you plan for

Today, I planned to do nothing. And I got what I planned for! An unproductive, little-bit-here little-bit-there, discontinuous, lazy day! We'd had a full weekend, I needed to catch up around the house. Which means doing, basically, nothing.

I wasn't motivated to go out partly because poor Katrina's GI tract had a touch of the Julians today. But she tried many times during the day to poop on the potty. She tried! She sat on the little potty and said she wanted to go! This is a far cry from her usual flat-out refusal. Unfortunately her efforts mostly yielded tears. Finally by afternoon, a suppository and a relaxing nap took care of the problem. Later in the day she pushed out some more pebbles into underpants, dashing my hopes of the first direct-to-potty delivery, but if there's anything I've learned about potty-training, it's to be thrilled with even the tiniest steps. Such as: she finally started to flush herself. I finally got her to "flush" by pushing on my arm as I pushed the lever, and last night, I saw her put her hand on the lever, then push on her arm with her other hand to flush!

So it was a nice relaxed day...until it came time to put away toys after dinner.

Would someone please explain the concept to me of teaching a child a lesson? If they resist a request to clean up toys, then you give them a clear task, set a timer, and state a consequence -- then if the child fails in his task, the consequence is carried out, and the child learns his lesson, right?

Where's the part in which they scream uncontrollably for a full hour about the consequence? Where's the part in which they hurl insults at you and blame you for not getting their task done? Where's the part in which every remaining step of the day produces fresh outbursts and crying and excuses and task-definition and consequences and more fruitless escalation? What's left when being with this child is a miserable, frustrating, painful existence for the rest of the family?

I could only be talking about Julian, of course. Gabriel by personality could easily be worse, but Gabriel's much more rational and calculated even at the height of conflict. Partly age, partly temperament. Julian falls into a seizure of victimhood, screaming out of control about the injustice, whereas Gabriel's fury is usually more directed -- harder to deal with, but Julian's way is still annoying beyond belief, and lasts a long, long time, wearing everyone out. In most ways, age 5 is fun with him, but his tantrums, if you can call these tantrums, have never been worse. What happened to my "angel baby" ?

One thing about having three children: your odds of not wanting to strangle all of them at any given moment goes up! Ah, but overall it was a good nothing day.

5/25/09

Not port-a-potty

The most remarkable thing happened today while we were out at the airshow, a public place with no particular accommodations for potty-training toddlers. Especially if you don't know they're potty-training.

Katrina's been doing great at home with going to the little potty on her own, but she won't touch a real toilet. She finally will "flush" my arm, that is, push on my arm while I push the lever, but she won't touch the lever herself. Sitting or being held over a real toilet is out of the question. So she's not ready for full-time underpants, but, no problem. I'm very happy with her progress.

So today to go out to the airshow, we put her in a diaper, as usual. After the hour-long drive, and then another hour of being at the show, she was getting increasingly difficult and grumpy, and I was thinking this trip was a lost cause. She kept saying she wanted to go back to the car and that she wanted to go home and shrieked if anyone talked to her or looked at her.

After settling in to watch the aerobatics, I sent Dave to get some popcorn, hoping that the treat would improve her mood. As soon as he left, she cried, "I want to go pee in the potty!!!"

What potty? We're at an airfield -- all there is is Port-a-Potties. I picked her up and tried to distract her, not sure what to do. I didn't want to tell her to go in her diaper if she didn't want to, but what else to do?

After about 5 minutes of increasing distress on her part, I decided to carry her to the Port-a-Potties, hoping an idea would present itself on the way there. Dave wasn't back yet, so the boys would take care of themselves, I rationalized (and they did, the angels). I tried to get her to go in the grass, she refused. How about here on the gravel? (right next to the potties). No, more crying and furious outraged refusal. I looked around for a bucket or something I could persuade her to sit on, but nothing presented itself. She kept crying for the little potty.

Then I took her into the port-a-potty, all the while calmly telling her there is no little potty, then tried to tell her this is a little potty. Uh-uh, not buying it. I took her diaper off -- completely dry. No wonder. She must really have to go, it'd been hours.

I sat down on the toilet seat and put her on my lap, quite willing to let her pee all over me if that's what it took, but she was outraged. I tried to hold her up in front of the far less intimidating urinal -- she doesn't know who it's for! -- nothing doing. Desperate, I tried to get her to go pee on the floor in front of the urinal -- countless boys already had -- nope. I tried again to get her to go outside -- a good life skill for girls to learn anyway -- nothing doing.

Defeated, I put her diaper back on and figured nature would take care of itself in a few minutes anyway, but I was sick about how upset she was. She didn't want to pee in her diaper, a really good thing, but she was out of options. When we got back to the boys, Dave was there and I tried to tell him what was going on, but suddenly Katrina's crying changed to, "I want to go pee in the grass!" I quickly took her diaper off, but it was too late, she'd started to go in it. I held it up to her while she finished -- it was loaded.

She cried for underpants, but I didn't have any with us -- after all, we're not potty-training outside the home yet, how can we if she won't touch a real toilet? I put another diaper on her, and after getting over that in about 5 minutes, she relaxed a lot. She was in a much much better mood. No wonder!

This is a huge step forward with potty-training. She wants not to go in a diaper, and waits, yay! But we have a big hurdle with what to do when there's no colorful baby potty for her. I know there are all sorts of portable devices, but she's got to learn to use real toilets. I can imagine carrying a potty ring, maybe, for a while, but she won't have anything to do with those either. She also shrieks in horror if I try to hold her in front or over the toilet or to sit on it facing backward. I've tried everything.

Tonight I tried to pretend the potty ring is a motorcycle, sitting on it and pretending to be accelerating and banking and making vroom sounds. Clever, huh? Not clever enough. She was rolling in laughter, but refused to sit on the "motorcycle" with me. Absolutely, positively, no way, not.

Conquering her fear of real toilets -- which is in great part due to her remarkable clumsiness and inability to climb -- is potty-training hurdle #1. I think our best bet is to learn to go on the ground. That's always there. Potty-training hurdle #2 is....well, #2. But today's upsetting episode says we've definitely turned a corner.