10/15/09 Glasses

Katrina got a pair of glasses as part of a sidewalk chalk set for her birthday. She takes them everywhere right now, including insisting on taking a nap with them.


"Mommy, I see rainbows!" she declares. Well, yeah, they're 3-D glasses. Not sure what those have to do with sidewalk chalk, but the finer points on lost on her. She just likes the rectangle designs on the front.

Katrina also likes to pose for pictures with "monster teeth" these days.


I like my Thursdays not being at work, hanging with Katrina, going to the Y, catching up on shopping, chatting with other kindergarten moms at pickup. But I can't get too attached to them, as these days will come to an end soon.

10/15/09

10/14/09 Resume nights

The last two nights, I've been working hard on updating my resume....a real resume, something I haven't done in 12 years. It's such an odd experience, going over what used to be such a big part of my life. It feels like a post-mortem. Is that really me? I see sentences describing things I did I can barely remember, and can't imagine being able to do now. I see the enthusiasm, knowledge and confidence of a former self. Am I too old to be that person again? Too tired? Or just too past it?

There's a reason I'm updating my resume. I have an opportunity to join -- rejoin -- the company I've been contracting with, as a full-time employee. It's not definite, but the first step is a resume. Reviewing it reminds me of the dearth of confidence I have now. Using my former laurels once again to slide into a new position might be too good a gift horse to look in the mouth.

Can we handle me working full-time? Evenings are awfully hectic around here, what with dinner, lunches, homework, and sometimes-demanding toddler. But I see this is my last hurrah before I commit myself once and for all to familylife. And to my great surprise, I'm cautiously excited about the prospect.

Work is so, so, SO much easier than getting little kids to listen to me.

10/14/09

10/13/09 Rain Fun

It rained all day today. This hasn't happened in months! Katrina loved the rain, thrilled to feel drops on her hands.

And, courtesy of our lack of landscaping, she loved the puddles in the backyard.




They all loved it.


Usually I don't put much stake in the poignancy of children's thoughts (since around here they mostly have to do with bodily emissions), but there was no denying this one: Julian said that the clouds moving in the sky look like the ocean.

Rain and clouds aren't things we see a lot of around here, and they're welcome.

10/13/09

10/12/09 Halloween prep

We finally tried on the boys' store-bought mail-ordered pre-made costumes tonight.



They loved them, but I just cringe. They're so, so tacky and cheap and ill-fitting. I loved making their costumes. I remember making Gabriel's train costume, and how excited and happy he was chatting with me as I worked on it, giving me advice, helping me when he could. They had a definite "homemade" look, but that seems better to me than the definite store-bought look.

But, in my life now, I can't spend hours shopping, cutting, sewing and gluing costumes, especially not times three. And especially not when there's scrapbooking to do! Some costumes aren't easy to make and are very easy to buy (like a race-car driver and a soldier), but others are impossible to buy and easy to make (like the Stop sign that Julian was one year).

At least Katrina can use a hand-me down homemade costume this year: the traffic light. And who knows, maybe next year I'll find a way.

10/12/09

10/11/09 Birthday Party

Cupcakes in the class wasn't enough. A cake for the family wasn't enough. No, we had to have a third cake -- but arguably the best one, because this was shared with friends at a home birthday party.

Actually, moreso my friends than Katrina's. I don't remember this so much from the boys, but at age 3, Katrina definitely knows who she knows. She's met all the invitees, but the only one she knows well is Dylan. And that was fine with her, they played a lot together.

Meantime, I got to play with my friends. Bonus, one brought her mother, a wonderful warm woman who lives in Rochester, NY!


All the moms raved about the sibling-free concept, as we all have kindergartners. Two of us also have 2nd-graders also, and I think we were the most relieved! A small group of 3-year-olds was perfect.


At one point I hadn't seen Katrina or Dylan for a while, and figured they must be up to no good. They were playing fine, actually, but had made their way to the driveway on tricycles. This was Katrina's reaction to being busted.


Dylan is very sweet about being bossed around, "I'm going FIRST, Dylan!"


Photo-ops don't get much better than this.



Cake time! Hats first though.


Katrina's into shapes, so I put circles, diamonds, squares and triangles on her cake.



The candles are pretty feeble -- one blew out on my way over and had to be relit -- so she was able to blow them all out herself.


I think this says it all!


A delightful little party. There's only so long you can get away with such small informal parties like this so small like this...I'm glad to have had one more chance.

10/11/09

10/10/09 Faces

Busy day getting ready for party tomorrow & friend visiting tonight.

Children fine, though Julian wouldn't pose today.



10/10/09

10/9/09 Teacher Conference

This morning, Dave and I met with Gabriel's teacher to review how he's been doing.

Overall, it was anticlimactic. I'd been anxious to talk with his teachers about motivating him, as he complained a lot at first about pretty much everything. But, lately, he hasn't been complaining as much, and that's been reflected in class too. His teacher said he's been doing a lot better with not procrastinating an assignment, especially if he's warned that he'll have to finish his work over recess, but they haven't had to do that as much lately. It helped that he was separated from a CDC pal he liked to mess around with.

I think the teachers are supposed to push various programs and methods to work even more with the kids at home. She reviewed a reading technique, something about counting the number of words he misunderstood out of 100 words, and gave us some material to work on "reading strategies" (methods to improve comprehension). I interrupted her and asked if this was standard, or did Gabriel need extra reading help? He was reading so well entering kindergarten that we really haven't paid any attention since, so, maybe he's fallen behind? "No, no, he's fine," she assured us. I guess she had to give us the spiel though. Too bad. In a 20-minute conference, I'd rather focus entirely on Gabriel than be shown yet more work to do together. The one thing Dave and I both heartily agreed with that he needs extra work on is his handwriting, it's atrocious and the worst in the class.

Overall he did well on the book report too. She said she could tell he had help, as his discussion of the book was more sophisticated than most kids'. I couldn't tell if this was a tactful admonition, or praise, and didn't have the mental togetherness at the moment to ask. His sentences and wording were his own, but the ideas were developed in a lot of discussion together, and I gave him a lot of guidance on how to organize his sentences and what scope to keep them (e.g. "Can you write an example of how Puss tricks the King in one sentence?") It's hard to know where the line is, and if I crossed it, in discussion. I hope not. It's important to me that he be able to do his work himself and that he not develop dependency on me. (But I have a nagging self-doubt that I did help too much, even if I have no idea how else to have done it.)

So, no big surprises. Gabriel's areas of weakness are reading comprehension (just like me) and expressing himself in writing (not like me at all), and handwriting. It's clear he's most comfortable with math, though he's often careless and makes enough mistakes that his work is pretty typical grade-level. I think he can do better, but, whatever.

2nd grade was off to a rocky start, but he's now finding his stride!

10/9/09

10/8/09 Entitlements

This morning I had a nice hike at Rancho San Antonio, along a route I usually run. This time, I walked it with a friend who's training for a big walking event next month, and with Katrina in the jogging stroller. It's a steep trail for a jogging stroller, certainly doable, but I was glad to have the excuse that since my friend was training, she should do the heavy pushing up the steep parts! Still, my rear end feels the strain, moreso than when I've run the same route.

We got talking about how much more independent and self-sufficient kids were back in our day (boy that sounds old), in the context of how difficult it is to get our own kids to do the most basic self-help tasks. Getting the boys to get dressed in the morning is still a major undertaking -- and why should I have to do that at all? When did book reports start requiring so much guidance? There really are no meaningful consequences we can employ -- I can't actually leave the boys behind and have them miss school, and Gabriel would be just fine with not doing a book report.

Adversity builds character, strength, resourcefulness, independence, self-sufficiency -- all valuable skills for life. Are we doing our kids a favor by raising them in such luxurious circumstances? To hear Julian groan and gripe about brushing his teeth, you'd think I'd told him to scrub the floors for 6 hours. Then again, no one suggests a return to the old order, a life in which kids were left to fend for themselves far more often, in which parents covered the basics but didn't engineer the details. Nowadays we want to be more involved, perhaps to a fault.

But the middle ground is elusive. I don't know how to enforce serious consequences for inaction, misbehavior or rudeness without completely overhauling the way we live. I don't know how to make them more self-sufficient without approaching the boundaries of neglect. And I'm not sure I'd want to do that, even if I had any idea how, or thought I could.

Tonight I was talking with the boys about how other kids live in other parts of the world, or in other times in history. I told them about how my friend took care of herself and her brother in 2nd grade, and that she just got dressed in the morning and got her and her brother to school without any parental guidance, because that's just the way it was. Other kids come home from school and go to work at their parents' farms -- or don't go to school at all to work to help the family. I try to do these talks without admonition or sanctimony, and make them appear informational, though I suspect that only goes so far without a concrete point or plan.

Gabriel listened with interest, then piped up, "But Mom, I have it harder than many other kids." "You do?" I asked with curiosity. "How so?" And he delivered with complete sincerity, "Well...they get cookies for snack!!"

I have a long, long road ahead.

10/8/09

10/7/09 Crying over spilled milk

If there's one thing I hate the most about motherhood, it's cleaning up spilled milk. What is it about that substance that gets it everywhere, splattering into a million drops, getting into places and surfaces not just in direct line of the point of impact, but well onto a tangent? It's sticky, it coats everything and gets really ugly if not every last drop is found. Even a small amount of milk in a glass makes a huge mess. It is such a pain.

My children know this. I'm patient with milk spills that are genuine accidents, but when someone's messing around or not following a rule, usually designed to prevent milk spills, and then a cup gets knocked over, then I get mad.

Today I left work a little early, I wasn't feeling well all day. When I got home with all three, I gave Katrina some milk and reminded her to sit down at the table. I dared sneak upstairs to change my clothes -- could I possibly get 5 uninterrupted minutes for this luxury?

And I did get that, thanks to Julian. When I came back downstairs, he told me that Katrina had indeed spilled her milk. But the dining area was spotless, except for a large wet area that looked like it had been recently wiped clean. Julian had taken it upon himself to fix the situation: he found a cloth, pulled a footstool up to the sink to wet it, then wiped up the whole spill, table and floor, and even got most of the drops that get onto every chair leg within 20 feet. He'd put the cup in the sink and even rinsed out the cloth and put it back into the sink. He did a really good job on a challenging and very annoying task. I couldn't believe it! Dare I say....I'm not sure Dave could have pulled this off! Dads are notoriously incapable of finding things in a crisis.

But my industrious little boy decided to spare me one of thousands of spill cleanups I will face in my career as a mother. And I got my 5 minutes of peace, thanks to him. That made up for the hours of un-peace he provided later.

10/7/09

10/6/09 Library afternoon

Busy kid day, but productive and fulfilling. I don't say that lightly!

Dropoff at kindergarten. Katrina loves playing in the playground, especially sliding down the slide with big brother.


I took her to the Y. I'd been looking forward to this for months, but had forgotten until I almost put her in the little-kid childwatch....she's three now, and can go in the big-kid childwatch! No adjustment issue at all, she launched right into playing.


The big-kid childwatch has an outdoor playground, so she got yet more slide time.


Picked up Julian, home for lunch....then back out to pick up Gabriel. School dismissal at 1:10pm this week, so I could sneak that in before Katrina's nap. Wait behind the blue line! Or use it as a balance beam if you're Katrina.


Usually the boys aren't crazy about clothes as gifts (I AM!), but Gabriel loves this Hot Wheels T-shirt, and insisted on changing into it this morning.


My mission was the library. Gabriel got his 2nd book report assignment yesterday, a "bye-oh-graff-ee" in his words. This would require an external book source! And we're not falling behind on it this time. So we went to the library to find a 2nd-grade level biography on a person important in U.S. history.

First, a note on book reports. As difficult and time-consuming as the last report was, I actually think it was a very worthwhile project. Far moreso than the routine day-to-day homework Gabriel gets. An in-depth focused project like this taught us -- and it was us -- a lot: how to summarize, how to talk about it, how to pace ourselves, indeed, even how to read it and pull the important points out of it. I'm almost looking forward to the next one, though I want him to do it on his own as much as possible.

I had an interesting conversation with another mom while waiting Gabriel's class to be dismissed. Her daughter was in Gabriel's first-grade class, and is now in a different 2nd-grade class. The mom was genuinely puzzled when I told her how much effort the book report was. Her daughter breezed through it, and did it entirely on her own! She did Alice in Wonderland too, not a simple story. She picked and did the drawings on her own, and all her writing too -- without prompting from mom. I was blown away. I know many kids probably had less trouble than Gabriel, but I never expected that level of independence for this project from a 7-year-old.

The same mom had volunteered in Gabriel's first-grade classroom a few times, so she was blown away when I told her how much trouble we had with the book report. "Gabriel??" She said that her daughter had said many times how smart and quick Gabriel is, that he was the smartest in the class. This is the 3rd time I've heard superlative accolades about him from other first-grade parents. Yet he -- we -- had a harder time with the book report than anyone I've talked to. Maybe it's that book reports use abilities that are lowest in his natural repertoire, yet shining bright in class (like calling out answers to math problems) uses abilities that are highest in his repertoire. That's Gabriel, always has been -- a set of extremes.

But, so what, that's neither here nor there. So, book reports will be tougher for him. That's life. Fortunately, this one looks much easier, and even more fortunately, we had a lot of practice last time. And, I'm not wasting a minute. Hence the trip to the library less than 24 hours after receiving the assignment.

And, Step 1 completed: pick a person, get a book, and read it. We found a perfect book at the perfect level, written in an interesting story-telling way, and about the perfect person for our electricity-loving son: Benjamin Franklin.

The others had a great time at the library, and everyone got fun books too. There's nothing so gratifying as seeing your children happily burst out of a library clutching a new stack of books. The boys rushed inside at home and read intensely for an hour. In this day and age of Google and iPhones, libraries almost seem like a quaint anachronism, but the joy and promise of a new book transcends technology.

Fortunately I had my technology handy for some group shots.



It was great having both boys home early in the afternoon. Katrina took a nap with no complaint (she was tired, she'd run around a lot today!), they read, they played (and fought of course), then I got them both to do their homework and reading before dinner. This is the way our days should go!

10/6/09

10/5/09 Katrina is 3!!

I think I'm more excited about Katrina's birthday than anyone else. This past three years has been filled with changes and challenges -- two boys starting school, going back to work, remodeling, getting hooked and hurt on running, and, oh yeah, having a baby and raising her to 3.

I brought little cupcakes to her preschool today, even though I wouldn't be there for her class to have them. I couldn't bring myself to buy them, so I made whole-wheat carrot cake with orange frosting. The teachers raved about them! Kids are used to sweeter "regular" things from stores, so generally my homemade healthy goodies aren't as popular. But I'm OK with that.

Katrina was a happy camper when I picked her up from preschool today, and joyfully drew me...well, a me. "Mommy, I'm going to draw you!" she exclaimed.



I got hair, a hat, and a smile.


In a normal family, I'd have made a birthday cake for our family celebration at the same time as I made the class muffins, but Dad won't touch anything baked that includes any fruit or vegetable. So I made a devil's food cake tonight too. I used to lament that no matter what I did, cake mixes still came out better. No more. I don't mind other cakes baked from mixes, but I think they have an artificial tinge to them. This devil's food recipe from the Joy of Cooking was light and moist and wonderful, though not especially chocolately. I'll have to work on that.

We did things a little unorthodox, singing Happy Birthday in a different room from the cake. Gabriel took it upon himself to learn Happy Birthday again and wanted to accompany us by piano. Dave says Gabriel already knew the song, but I haven't heard him play it since we moved back here, and never the ending part. It took him under 10 minutes to (re?)learn this.


Cake time!


Then we opened presents, starting with a card from Bonne Maman and Papa Paul. Thank goodness we really do have one genuine artist in the family! Katrina liked the birds. Funny, because she scolds real birds chirping outside: "be quiet, birdie! QUIET BIRDIE!"


And she liked this dress. We had to divert her from insisting on wearing it, because there was one more thing.


A doll in a cradle!! The boys were under strict orders to stand back while she pulled a blanket off this and unveiled it. Yes, you read that right: we had to lecture 5 and 7-year-old boys not to touch a baby doll in a pink cradle, so that a 3-year-old girl could enjoy her gift unfettered.



This cradle comes with a mattress, blanket and pillow, all of which have a beautiful cottage-y home-sewn look to them...Mom, you didn't. Wow! How very special!

Katrina knew right what to do and wasted no time jumping into doll play. How adorable -- even a hard-bitten boy-mom like me can't help being charmed.

This is for Bonne Maman, who I know has a special place in her heart for watching little girls play with dolls, as she saw me and my sister play with them a lot.


Of course, one thing my sister and I didn't have were older brothers.


Three. I've never had my youngest child turn three before. Empty-nesting can only be right around the corner.

10/5/09

10/4/09 Cleanup

Sorry, not much to say today. Busy night cleaning up the whole house for cleaners tomorrow. Cleaners come once every 3 weeks now, which means that by the end of 3 weeks, getting things under control is a major task.

Katrina...her latest thing. When she's mad and refuses to eat (only after sitting down and demanding "I want FOOD!" of course), she clamps both hands over her mouth and glares at you! She also clamps her hands over her mouth when she doesn't want to brush her teeth. It's really funny, the force and veracity she does it with. This afternoon she had a tantrum about something, I can't even remember what, and stripped all her clothes off and stormed into the kitchen naked and then clamped her hands over her mouth, glowering at me. Boy, she sure showed ME!

10/4/09

10/2/09 Two bits

No shave yet, but my two bits got a haircut tonight. First I took all three bits to a noodle/stew place for dinner, though not before the boys let out a little energy.


Not enough though. Dinner out with my children was little more than an exercise in food waste and parental humiliation. Katrina threw a tantrum and started to strip, and the boys came up with one thing after another to be admonished for. In general I don't like to give generic instructions like "behave," I like to be specific. Like, "stop blowing milk all over the table through your straw." But then I'm just shooting out "don't this" and "stop that" sentences rapid-fire, one after another, with the boys laughing and completely ignoring me. Then they started pushing each other and making a huge rumpus while I was up at the counter paying. I kicked Gabriel out, while a sympathetic waiter gave Katrina a gumball. Great.

Katrina surprised me with relatively cooperative behavior during haircuts, mostly wriggling around in the waiting area.

After haircuts, the boys got lollipops, which I snagged. No lollipops in the car anyway, but on the way home I told them they'd been so badly behaved in the restaurant that they could have their lollipops the next time we went out to dinner and they were good. I was really mad and meant it, and they didn't argue.

When we got home, Julian started in on the same old rigamarole about putting his lunch away. "It's SOOOOOOO muuuuuccch wooooooorrrrrrkkkkkk...." he complained. He threw himself on the floor with his daily foot injury and complained again. I told him he got one warning: if he didn't put his lunch away immediately, I was throwing away his lollipop. "UGGGGHGHHHH...," he rolled his eyes. "I don't HAVE to do what you say." I threw away the lollipop.

I was spurred by conversing with mom friends last night, including one who is unconflicted and unambiguous in doling out consequences. In theory I try to be too, but somehow it always devolves and escalates. Maybe I'm not being crisp enough in informing of circumstances, then icily carrying them out. Maybe even my boys will get the message if they think there is absolutely no alternative, and the only way they'll think that is if I think that.

Julian got the message, all right. He wailed and screamed and threw a huge fit over the lost lollipop. Here's a 20-second sampler of what went on pretty much until bedtime (over an hour), on his first trip up to his room, before things got bad.

He's shouting "LET ME OUT NOW!" at the top of the stairs, and keeps retreating because he sees the camera. Later, without the camera, he got much more aggressive to me, and destructive, on his way to his room.

I sort of enjoyed it, actually. For the first half-hour, anyway.

I sent him to his room so he could scream out of earshot, but he'd either come down unauthorized, or meet my criteria (no crying for 20 minutes) and start all over again and get sent back up again. Three times and that was enough. I told him to stay in his room until bedtime. Pants-down spanking if he opened the door.

No wonder I try to avoid these battles. They're loud, disruptive to the whole household, incredibly draining, and last all night. And they accomplish nothing. I can say with 100% certainty that it will not end with "and he never did it again." Julian will be right back in business tomorrow with major resistance to even the tiniest imposition on his time.

Can I be clear and consistent and calm every time? Can a little patience and compromise avert these blowouts? Or does it only fuel later ones? Do I want robotic, compliant children? Actually, yes. Do I have it in me to create that? Doubtful.

At least Katrina and Gabriel were fine when we got home. Katrina enjoyed her lollipop and started playing with her sign alphabet, so I tried asking her to show me some signs. I have no idea if these are right, because the only other person who could confirm was busy screaming his head off in his room.


10/2/09

10/1/09 3 Cs & 3 Ys

Coffee, cheesecake, company.
Yak, yak, yak.

10/1/09

9/30/09 Schoolkids

God. What a horrible night. I hope I can describe it in a few sentences and then be done with it, but history doesn't support that.

I left work early today to pick the boys up early, and Dave left work early too to pick Katrina up, later. This was engineered entirely to give me some concentrated pre-dinner Katrina-free time to work with Gabriel on his book report.

Big backfire. He resisted, refused, complained, made faces and rude remarks, and only infuriated me during the entire hour and a half I'd so carefully planned to work with him. I insisted he sit in a chair in the office the whole time, and went back and forth between checking on him to see if he was ready to work, and just ignoring him. I've had trouble getting him to work before, but not for this long.

It ended when at 5:30 when I ran out of patience and time and said, "I'M DONE." And I had to be, it was time to make dinner, clean up lunches, make tomorrow's lunches, and brace myself for Katrina's arrival. Then he finally relented and said he was ready to cooperate, but it was too late. I insisted he sit there and work on it himself -- I wasn't about to let him blow it off and go play. He wailed for over an hour, sitting in that same chair he'd been in since we got home, saying he couldn't. He alternated between getting angry with me for not helping, to pitifully crying saying he didn't want to repeat 2nd grade.

It really struck me: is this really too hard for him to do himself? He certainly believes it is. Is that because he's so used to getting help that he really can't? As objective as I can be, I lean toward option #1, as I'm quite confident that no second-grader is doing this project without significant parental help.

And today was the easy part: no more drawing. Just writing, the "I Think" section in which he's supposed to write a 5-sentence paragraph on what he thinks about the book, and if he'd recommend it to someone and why. Second-grade moms: could *your* second-grader do that without help and supervision? More importantly, would they?

I was so furious and upset, and conflicted. A big mixture of irritation at his resistance, frustration that we'd worked so hard on this already and are so behind, anger that we have this project imposed on us by the school, resentment that I'd missed so much work and life at home to work on this...yet still some disappointment that my allocated time to work with him alone was shot.

Why can't I just let this go? He's going to have to fail sometimes, and we're going to have to let him. But in 2nd grade? No. He's too young to see the bigger picture and care about the consequences. He'd just as soon flunk out of school, he says. And what consequences really are there for a 2nd-grader who turns in a half-complete book report?

Maybe because I was such a spotty chronically late student, I just can't stomach seeing it all over again. It's one thing not to do well because you just can't (like drawing), but it's another not to do your best. Or is it because I feel like the teachers will judge me?

Dammit, can't this just be a stupid book report instead of a gateway to over-self-analysis and reliving the low points of my own studenthood?

The pre-dinner Katrina-free hour wasn't lost though. Incredibly, I found myself doing yet more "preview" drawings and making suggestions on another book report, though this time with a far more willing participant: Julian. He had a "story sequence" to do: Draw the beginning, middle, and end of a story. Once again, I found myself suggesting a scene in the story to draw, drawing it myself on a piece of paper first, outlining a box on a separate paper for him to practice drawing in, showing him how to draw specific things....and I stink at drawing! This drains me!! I'm tired of drawing!! But Julian finished his whole "story sequence" tonight and is ready to turn in his homework.

I'd planned to attend a Back To School night at Katrina's preschool tonight, then go back to work to make up for time lost today. I left for the preschool exhausted and filled with angst. Gabriel had defiantly refused dinner during the 20 minutes we alloted him, then was back sitting in the office chair, alternating between wailing and demanding help, as I walked out the door.

It was sort of a relief to have somewhere to go, and be forced to stick to my guns. I'm glad I went, it was actually very interesting. Once again, other parents asked far more questions about the "curriculum" (they're three!) than I can ever imagine caring about, and asked about how to reinforce schoolwork at home. They're three!

But it was interesting hearing what they learn about, as that explains a lot of what Katrina sings or does, such as sign language. Julian's been learning the sign alphabet from the CDC, and I thought she was picking up some of that from him, but it's from preschool.

I learned that my contrarian little tantrumer is a model citizen at school, very inquisitive, very very interested in letters and numbers and shapes, and very focused and serious when she does her work. This is an example of her tracing her name. I'd never have believed it if her teacher hadn't told me that she does this entirely herself, with no help at all.


I was also relieved to hear that she draws a lot on her own. Oh Lordy, please let her hold onto that at least into 2nd grade.

I can be proud of Julian and Katrina as students today. 2 out of 3, not bad.

But Gabriel...arguably the one with the most potential (I know I'm not supposed to say that), but the most difficult to tap, with such extraordinary but such polarized abilities. He's so remarkable in so many ways, I just can't stand to see him do so poorly on something that's well within his reach. I know I have to get over that. It's going to take practice.

I called Dave as I was leaving Katrina's preschool and asked how it was going. Gabriel was brushing his teeth, ready for bed. Will he work with me if I come home now, instead of going back to work? Yes he will.

So I came home and found Gabriel waiting for me. Tired, but finally, finally willing. We spent a productive 15 minutes writing a draft of his 5-sentence paragraph, based on notes he'd already taken in a previous session. (Note to self: other parents do drawings for kids; don't do the writing for them just because that's easier for you!) Another 10 minutes and he'd have completed the final draft and had the report officially done. If only he could have done this at 4pm instead of 8pm, we could have spared many very trying hours for both of us today, and practiced his presentation. But that's life with Gabriel.

Graduate school was difficult for me: I'd been out of school for 5 years, and my math-avoidant undergraduate philosophy left me woefully underprepared for a graduate-level computer science program. I took extra classes, attended every T.A. session, got supplementary textbooks from the library, formed homework study groups, globbed off other students as much as I could and scrabbled every day to catch up. Who knew 2nd grade would be even harder.

9/30/09

9/29/09 The Presentation

Whew. I'm exhausted. I got Gabriel from the CDC today as early as possible, which was still as late as 4pm, and set him about to work on his book report. With some breaks and a lot of reminding from me to stay on track, he got through two more big pieces of it, but was really burnt. Now we have just one more big piece, and his book report presentation, to practice. He also had regular homework to do tonight, and after that, I tried to get him to work a little on the book report presentation. He was so, so, SO tired. I felt terrible, and got him to do just a bare minimum (introducing the book).

It's staggering how much work this has been. There is no way possible a 2nd-grader could do this on his own. It requires far too much planning and summarizing and practicing presenting. We probably made it harder on ourselves with the book we ended up with, but still. I think the school needs feedback on how burdensome this has been, what a tremendous time sink it's been, despite the teachers' telling us how far along we should be on the project. It also hasn't helped that we had the "Star Of The Week" presentation today, either.

We're in the habit of arriving early to school anyway, so time was no problem. The boys and Katrina played on the kindergarten playground first. Katrina tried, anyway.


Then it was time to go to Gabriel's class, early to set up. (Another potential conflict with this thing about requiring parents at the presentation: I'm one of the few kindergarten parents who will leave my kindergartner outside class and trust him to go inside when the bell rings; most K-moms&dads see them inside. But since we had to get to Gabriel's class early, I had to leave Julian -- many K-moms won't do that.)

I asked Gabriel's teacher if I should interject if he started off on a tangent, and she said it's meant to be a family presentation, so, sure. But we hadn't practiced it that way, and most of my interjections ended up being corrections and reminders to look up and speak out. Not only didn't he like that, but it had no effect; if he repeated something he'd mumble it worse, trail his tone, and be reaching for the next item anyway. He wasn't exactly nervous, he was smiling and overall relaxed, but made no eye contact with his audience, and looked down the whole time he was talking, causing him to mumble, and his articulation is so-so to begin with. After he'd gone through describing his Big Bunny Fun Run trophy, one classmate asked him what that "medal thing" was for -- she had no idea! And I wouldn't have either.

He brought the house down showing how his Bear waves his arms and wiggles his tail though.


And, overall, I think he did pretty well; remembering most of what he'd planned to say, not going off on tangents, keeping each topic about the same length. If only he'd been intelligible, it'd have been perfect.

Speaking of perfect, Katrina was...well, perfect. I thought she'd be a big problem, but she mostly just sat with the class and looked at Gabriel.


Now if we can just get through the book report....

I took Gabriel with me to the CDC tonight, briefly, for a potluck celebration for a favorite CDC teacher who's getting married. He'd deserved the break. We rarely drive together in the dark, and on the way back, he said very sincerely, "Mom, I want to go to the city at night. I want to see the city lights, they're so pretty."

There are times he says things like that very meaningfully, like he's genuinely moved by the thought, and it floods me with warmth and love for him. Even something as simple as, "Wow, this is a really beautiful day," or while we were running a few weeks ago, "Those views are really wonderful, Mom" -- he really means it and he's just happily expressing his appreciation of something beautiful to him. It's a glimpse into his older self; his expression isn't at all kidlike when he says things like that.

He wants to see the Golden Gate Bridge at night, and I think he's earned it.

9/29/09

9/28/09 Book report

More work, work, work tonight. Right after getting home, I got Gabriel to sit in the kitchen with me and...

....wait, I must acknowledge how difficult this task by itself is. Walking in the door, Gabriel launches into uber-hyper mode: swinging his knapsack around, antagonizing Julian, pestering Katrina, laughing uncontrollably, running like crazy and basically being impossible. I give him transition time, but getting him to calm down is very, very challenging. This child is all about inert states.

But I succeeded, and we talked about the most important part of his book report: the "I think" section, in which he writes a paragraph on what he thinks about the book. We didn't write it, we just talked about it and I had him take notes. It was difficult to talk -- I was unpacking lunches, starting dinner, helping Julian with homework in a different room, and trying to keep Katrina out of the way.

But I was very pleased when he easily rattled off the point of the story ("Puss In Boots") on his own. His drawings may look amateurish and very basic -- no color even -- but I'll be able to say honestly that he did his best on this report and that he really knows the story. I'm fighting an urge to tell his teachers how hard he's worked, as that's too helicopter-parent-y for me, but I feel the temptation.

When I picked up the boys at the CDC today, Gabriel was sitting on a couch with three other boys, all of whom are 2nd-graders, and whose parents were likely raised and educated in India (not completely certain, but a safe assumption given their names and moderate accents). I asked what they thought of the book report (a grade-wide assignment), and they all chimed, "I'm DONE!" I asked what they thought about the drawings, and one boy smiled and said, "My Mom did them for me."

Parth's very sweet mom told me she and Parth (a kindergarten classmate of Gabriel's and his best pal at the CDC and a terrific kid) worked all weekend -- and she insisted he do it all himself -- and she's very relieved it's done. Her eyes widened too at the effort.

I'm perversely happy that the Indian moms gripe just as much as I do about the work (if you detect an inferiority complex, you're correct; it hearkens back to being an inferior student at a superior high school), though I think they're less likely to push back at the school about it. I plan on griping to the teachers about the excessive drawing -- a very, very time-consuming task for kids who aren't so inclined, and one that adds little to the purpose of a book report. Some drawing, sure, but not as a central component. Drawings are a great way for drawing-ers to earn a extra credit if they want, but a tough way for non-drawing-ers to meet the bare minimum.

(As I type, he's supposed to be working on another drawing. It takes him a while to get started....right now he's staring at the paper, repeating robotically, "COLD butt. COOOLD fart. BUTTTT. FAAA-AART." Just in case anyone was wondering about the poignant ponderings of a child.)

And then tonight, we did the final run-through for Gabriel's Star Of The Week presentation. Nice thing about being 7: no self-consciousness. If the itch strikes, no matter where it is, you scratch it. At some point, boys learn boundaries. Meantime, Moms crack up and try not to coach, "Umm, sweetie pie, speak up -- and don't scratch your balls."

9/18/09

9/27/09 Work weekend

I think next weekend I'm going to feel liberated. This weekend, I've felt crushed under the weight of Gabriel's "Star Of The Week" presentation next Tuesday, and his book report and presentation due Friday. Ironically, preparing him for his 10-15 minute (that's long!) Star Of The Week presentation will make helping him with a 1-2 minute book report presentation much easier.

But the book report itself....so difficult. He has a ton of drawing to do, and all drawings of characters, and it's so, so hard for him. I'm doing everything I can to make it easier for him, like drawing the characters myself first to give him a model to follow. Tonight he was having such a hard time and was so frustrated that he started crying, and it's not the first time. Last week, after working on his book report all afternoon, he still had homework to do, and was so tired and burnt going over spelling words (that he knows) that he started to cry too. He doesn't whine or drag his heels or complain that much, he's really trying but it's just so hard. Gabriel is such a tough kid that when he cries out of frustration, it is heartbreaking.

Tonight we got through one more of the onerous drawings by me drawing it on another paper, and him following me, line by line. He keeps asking what the heck a book report is for, and my answers ring hollow when so much of the time and effort has been put into drawing.

Much of our effort has been good, though. We read the book together page by page, and I had him write a sentence or two summarizing the events on those pages. This took two 1-hour sessions on two separate days to complete, and in the end we filled up both sides of a paper with sentences. He just didn't understand the story until we did that.

Then we went through those notes and picked out the five scenes he has to draw, and summarized yet more to get the captions. I helped him pick the main characters to draw for the Characters page, and showed him how I'd draw them. I got him tracing paper and suggested that he trace the character from the book's illustration first, just to get some practice.

I showed him very basic drawing techniques (talk about the blind leading the blind!), like that a cat's nose is an upside-down triangle, or to draw eyes as ellipses first, then fill in the pupils to give the face expression. We're not talking anything remotely resembling art here, but he's never really been into drawing, and never people or characters or animals, so this is really hard.

And then there's Star Of The Week. This isn't so hard to do, but it's a lot to practice. I've had him write down, then rehearse, what he'll say about his family members, his sharing items (four of them), then things he likes to do with photos (BMX biking, ice skate, piano). Tonight he practiced in front of all of us, but clearly public speaking isn't something that comes naturally to him. He goes off on irrelevant tangents, looks down, mumbles, covers his mouth, picks his nose, or just spaces out.

Actually, there are good sides to all this. He is learning to speak in front of a group better. We're spending a lot of concentrated time together, and his behavior toward me immediately after we've been working together is markedly different. He's relaxed and wants to just hang out and talk to me. Despite the hard work, I think he likes the attention and working together. And he does know the classic story Puss In Boots very well now!

Another plus is that I got a rare family photo of all five of us for his Star Of The Week presentation, then a few shots of all three kids. Katrina was unusually cooperative, though that was because she wanted to hear the camera's self-time beep.




I think Gabriel and I deserve a big reward next weekend, a homework-free one!

9/27/09

9/26/09 home improvement

Whew, worked hard today...a "quick" trip to the Salvation Army to get rid of a few things turned into a full pickup-load worth of stuff. More garage cleanup/organization, not nearly enough but some pathways are cleared.

Then I unpacked a box or two....can't believe we still have packed moving boxes in the house, but I'm tackling the stragglers that got shoved to the back of closets upon move-in. (The stacked boxes in the garage don't count.)

The biggest accomplishment was clearing out entire backyard so we could see it afresh. We drew some lines and did a rough layout of the future deck, patio, lawn and planting areas. Ready to talk to a landscaper now.

Much of the afternoon was spent working with Gabriel on his "Star Of The Week" presentation for next week. It's 10-15 minutes long, and that's a LOT to prepare for. We practiced him talking about things he likes to do (BMXing, piano, ice skating, with photos); things he'll bring to "share" (Lego creations, his Big Bunny Fun Run trophy, his Bear, and his F-16 Fighting Falcon model); and his family members.

The "culture" thing is still throwing me. What's culture? Well, what would I say our culture is if we were in India? That made me think: music, art, food, dance, pasttimes. Easy! So, what could be more uniquely American than Ragtime? I had a great idea: wouldn't it would be really cool we brought our little piano and Gabriel played a short snippet of The Entertainer? His teachers are always looking for extra effort, and he's turning out to be Mr. Bare Minimum. But he wouldn't hear of it. No way, no recital. So much for my great idea.

We worked in two sessions, as he gets tired after a while and can't concentrate, but he did the second session under duress since he'd developed a 102 temperature. But even with that, he really liked helping us measure and figure things out while we were working in the backyard, and had no trouble concentrating when I showed him an easy way to multiply 7 times 13. Before long, he was back to pestering Julian and pulling Katrina's ponytail, so I guess he'll recover quickly.

He'd better recover tomorrow, because we still have a lot of reviewing and practicing before we're ready to present his life story in 10 minutes.

9/26/09

9/25/09 Playing together

As kids, my sister and I played with our stuffed animals together all the time. We had a whole fantasy world, Stuffy-Land, complete with a king and a queen. We held court and played out all sorts of stories together.

Gabriel and Julian like to play with their stuffed animals together too.


Thank goodness they weren't fighting tonight.


It's so sweet when they get along and play nice together. Just darling.

9/25/09

9/24/09 Making impressions

Our most excellent contractor asked a favor of us a few weeks ago: would we be willing to meet with some potential clients, who are carefully researching contractors and would like to meet some satisfied customers who'd had a lot of problems in the project? Sure!

Actually, I didn't think we had that many problems in our project, but that goes to show how good our contractor was.

He arrived promptly at 12:30, as per usual, and we gladly reunited and launched right into talking about....uh-oh, here comes Katrina. "MOMMY I HAVE A STINKIE!!!" Great.

Fortunately his potential clients weren't there yet, so I quickly dealt with said stinkie (she's been doing great, why did she do this?). I can't remember what set her off, but minutes later, Katrina launched into a tantrum and started to strip. She ran into the living room where we were trying to talk, wearing only shorts, and threw something. Great.

Despite the lack of interior decoration and the ancient furniture, the house can look OK if it's not too cluttered, but Katrina insisted on throwing couch pillows on the floor. I took a stance and said no pillows on the floor, which only furthered her tantrum, and the shorts almost came off too.

By now the clients had arrived and my first words were an apology about the noise. The clients were very understanding, and the lady said she had 5 grandsons and thought Katrina was adorable. Thanks to the lady, Katrina got out of her snit.

But happy mood only raised the noise level. Katrina and Julian started playing with a balloon we got this morning at Trader Joe's, and the play was constantly bordering fighting. Katrina screeched ear-piercing shrieks, making me run every time to see if she was in serious pain, having fun, or wanted her balloon back. It was incredibly difficult and annoying to hold a conversation.

Then Katrina and Julian went into the living room where our contractor and the husband client were trying to talk, and started a noisy game on the couch -- where they hardly ever play -- eventually driving the two men outside to try to talk. I made stabbing efforts at calming them down, but it would have taken a major investment of time, energy and embarrassment to make it happen. If I could have sent Julian to his room easily, the separation would have done it. But, of course, Julian doesn't do what I ask easily, it's a major ordeal.

We hid for a while on the front porch, with shrieks still coming from inside, but they gave up for good when Katrina joined us. They graciously accepted my apologies for the racket. Meantime, my head was about to explode from the screaming; Katrina had really ramped it up to make an impression -- and she did.

As soon as they left, I went into the office to send an urgent email, and a minute later Julian called out, "Katrina's in the front yard!" Oh brother, we don't have a front yard....the little stinker had put her sneakers on and was almost at the street, running after our contractor and his clients, who were standing on the sidewalk wrapping up before they got into their respective cars. And still shirtless. Good grief!

I hope we didn't scare off our contractor's potential clients.

Tonight there was a talk by an author whose new book is entitled "Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence." Curse of the Good Girl? We should be so cursed!

9/24/09

9/23/09 Surprise visit

This morning, I stayed at home to take care of some essential lingering official business-like financial phone things (whew!) that just can't be done at night or with children around. When I was ready to leave for work, I noticed a message on our answering machine. In a hurry, I almost didn't check it -- I had no energy to return yet another phone call -- but, curious, I did.

Turns out, it was a field examiner from the Veteran's Administration, who was down in our area from Oregon (?! hello, OREGON?!), could I meet this afternoon. This afternoon?! I haven't heard a peep since last May, and now I'm supposed to drop everything in the next few hours? Well, NO, I can't, but, what choice do I have? This is the first step in months towards appointing me Dad's fiduciary and finally releasing his pension funds. I wasn't about to miss this opportunity -- it could be months before I'd hear from them again.

I was able to contact the field examiner quickly, and arranged to meet her at home later in the afternoon. My relief at finally, finally getting some attention from the V.A. was tempered with intense frustration with the process -- I have to drop everything and totally suck up, because they have all the power. They have the money, after all. Money is power. Lack of money is sucking up to the V.A.

I met with the lady, and she was very nice. Without beating on her personally, I did tell her I hadn't heard a thing from the V.A. and quickly summarized the numerous problems I'd had dealing with the V.A. And why was she calling me out of the blue? She explained that when she got back from vacation a few days ago, she was handed 35 new cases, all out of Oakland, and told to fly there the next day. That's not even enough time to print out hundreds of case file pages. Seems the V.A. treats its employees as badly as its veterans. "The V.A. administration sucks," she explained.

Well, that pretty much shot my afternoon, but at least it was a huge step in a long, long process, one that started about 18 months ago. There's still at least another 8 weeks of waiting, but we're now closer to the end than the start. It's actually remotely possible that Dad will finally have his Veteran's Pension before he dies.

The lady was so nice, and so satisfied that I had Dad's interests at heart and wasn't about to use his money to open a meth lab, that she said she'd waive the bonding requirement. The huh? Believe it or not, since Dad's back pension has built up to more than $10,000, the V.A. normally requires the money to put into an insured bond -- which would cost over 700 dollars. I was stunned. We'd have to pay because the V.A. putzed this for so long?! That is totally, completely, beyond outrageous. This is one time I'm very happy a rule is being treated as a guideline.

Tough work week ahead, but not for me. Gabriel's book report is due next week, and we're far, far behind. Unfortunately, Gabriel picked much too hard a book -- a great story and a good book, but one filled with anachronisms and archaic language and build-up in the story that makes it hard to jump into ("Puss'N'Boots," a classic story, but I have to explain that "game" means "small animals that you hunt" and that presenting dead rabbits to a king is considered a gift). Not to mention his "Star Of The Week" on Monday (Tuesday with Katrina if I can get the teachers to agree to it, but they haven't responded), and, of course, regular homework. And Julian even had a book report yesterday (a "Story Map"), plus homework and reading. I'm exhausted!

9/23/09

9/22/09 Silliness

Katrina completely recovered, and so far, no one else has gotten anything. Whew!

We all have a lot of work ahead of us. Gabriel's "Star Of The Week" thing is due Monday (and a parent "or family friend" is required to attend, as the information sheet I finally got today says), plus his book report that we're way behind on. And Julian had a "book report" of sorts to do tonight too! They call it a "story map" for kindergartners, but it turned into a whole lot of drawing. He really wanted to finish it tonight though, and did.

My irritation over the demand the school places on a parent to do a child's schoolwork is boiling over. It's one thing to have to help so much with homework at home, but having to miss work or find childcare at a particular time set by the teachers to attend the classroom during schooltime is going too far. I'm pretty sure that all I will accomplish by complaining is getting myself marked as an annoying parent, and the principle of the thing will be lost.

Still, I'm prepared to make a point with the best point-maker I have: Katrina I'm thinking I'm going to push to do it on a Tuesday, and she'll just have to join us. Parent-teacher conferences, sick children and any number of other situations cause us to miss work too, but this is in a different category. Indeed, I need the margin of error for those very situations.

We got a little comic relief tonight from Katrina. She was having fun "dancing" around her "stage" (the spread-out blanket), singing her own Muffin Man song, with the electronic piano playing completely unrelated music. The really fun thing about this scene, which I didn't get on camera, is Gabriel's delight in her silliness.

Julian soon destroyed the moment, putting his hand over my camera's lens, and stepping all over her blanket stage and messing it up, making her cry. That brat!

I hope that when she starts first grade (only 3 years away!), that I will have complete work-related flexibility to be there for her, and the boys, at school. But I'll still object to excessive impositions.

9/22/09