10/9/2010 Bird-day party!

Katrina's birthday was a LOT of fun. All the invitees were from her preschool class, plus one special longtime friend from Las Madres. There was a turnout of about 9 kids, which is plenty party!

Timing was perfect. By the time everyone had arrived and basically settled, the birds had arrived too. First, we got to meet Gordon inside, and watched him do a few tricks.

Katrina is not at all afraid of horses but shrieks at dogs -- how would she do with birds? Turns out, pretty well.

While we'd been inside meeting Gordon, the real bird show got set up outside, and we came out to see a small stage and the performers perched behind it.


Our simple new deck and patio worked great as a new mini-amphitheatre!


So, we talk about the birds, let them talk, watch them make silly faces and twist their heads around. One bird opened a soda can that Katrina held, and she got to feed the bird out of her hand.



She was cautious but very engaged -- just a litle scared enough not to be enthusiastic, but keenly interested. No nudging needed to participate either.

The people who run the bird show know their business -- it's a family affair, and the more photos proud moms can get of her little buggers with birds on them, the happier Mom will be and the more Mom will gushingly recommend the show. Sounds cynical, but in fact, I like such practical realities.

So, the bird-lady wisely got Katrina's brothers involved. One brother was all over it.


The other...no.

Then we got to see parrot tricks. What are the odds these guys have ended up on David Letterman at one point? It's adorable.

Zachary rides a bicycle


Yakky sings Clementine...apparently she's been all over national TV, including the Tonight Show. The couple that runs Happy Birds also does bird rescue, so maybe that's how Yakky came to them. This was really pretty remarkable!


Yakky sings Rock-a-bye birdie


Then this cockatoo gave kisses to everyone, starting with that super-sweet gooshy-wooshy pussycat softie, my son Gabriel.



All 3 kids got to feed Zach after a scooter run.



Time for some photo-ops with the birds. I was amazed at how cooperative Katrina was, though I could tell she was a little concerned.



Every kid got a photo-op with a bird -- lots of photo-ops built into the program!

Even Julian finally relented.


Now time for a photo-op with all 3, if we can. Rare for us to get all three, and even rarer all cooperating, looking up, no one blinks or picks their nose. But even if you get that, you'll still have some horrible screen or gas meter in the background.






Mom and Dad had a chance too -- this is a really rare good shot of us! Dave's actually smiling, for real, and looking at the camera!


After the bird show, it was time for food, drink, and, of course, cake. It looks ordinary on the outside, but I made it special on the inside: rainbow cake!



In the end, I think what Katrina loved best about her party was having so many other little girls her age to play with. She played somewhat with the boys too, but even the littler boys were having a hard time resisting the pull of the nonstop boy-behavior of the older boys. Seeing her in here with 3 other friends was really sweet. Later, she said to me, "Mommy, I want another party so I can have more FRIENDS!"


Later as it was getting time to leave, Katrina and two other friends found another way to play, by dashing across the lawn.

Fascinating to watch 4-year-old girls all very close in age run, they're all so different. Katrina's not nearly as clumsy as she used to be, but in watching her and two other girls sprint across the lawn, I'm struck at how less efficient she is. Not that she can't learn, and it's fine if she never does, but I don't see anything in her movement that would suggest a future in track. She was having so much fun though, this simple running game that she does with her brothers all the time, but this time with peers. Good for her.

The only downside to this party was Katrina's annoying brothers. They followed her constantly, were in her face, grabbing any toy she was holding, hyping her up and completely dominating her attention and chasing away her actual friends. They were very uncooperative when I told them to move away, and they got sent to their rooms several times (which means I had to chase them up there and angrily threaten to lock them in). It's annoying and embarrassing. It'd have been nice if they could just be there in the background, but no, since it was at their home, and they're older stronger louder and faster than most of the kids, they became powerfully possessive of their sister's attention.

Thankfully the bird show settled them down, though playing after the show, Gabriel made Katrina cry (at her own party!) by taking a toy away and laughing while he ran off with it and she tottered along behind, tears streaming down her face, crying, "Gabriel! That's MINE!" I was furious at him for that, and he spent the rest of the party in his room. Next year, no older boys at her party, especially not her brothers. I'll make it the foofiest princess party possible where they won't want to be anywhere near it. And you know, I might enjoy that too!

10/9/2010

10/9/2010 Raspy again

No blog last night, and now this one too?!

Last night was spent getting ready for Katrina's party, even though yesterday afternoon I had a slight temperature and my usual accompanying chest congestion was hitting hard. So of course today my voice is challenged -- not lost, but raspy and needs jump-starting and forcing, and as usual will take weeks to recover completely.

I really needed to relax last night, but I couldn't bear to give up on making a rainbow cake for Katrina's party. I did compromise and use a mix though. (Later it hit me that "rainbow" is a great party theme, if only I'd thought of it in time!)

So, I'll try to catch up on the party -- overall a smashing success -- tomorrow. A few photos, and then, bed.



One very very happy little girl today, and her friends too!

10/9/2010

10/7/2010 The Boat

Unsafe to post anything real, but I'm exhausted from boat-rocking and doing a poor Norma Rae imitation today.

Why can't I learn to kiss *ss and keep my mouth shut, and set aside personal principles for the good of others? How can I even think to risk other people's livelihoods for my own idealogical beliefs of right and wrong? Why can't I suck up and take orders for the greater good? Why can't I dig deep and find some acting skills and control my window-like face that reveals every thought I have, especially when someone else's rear end is on the line? Why can't I detect the sensitivities and nuances in people's interactions and carefully control peoples' perceptions of my words? Why is my adherence to the straight blunt truth so dogged, even when it directly harms people I respect and want to protect? Can I learn to control my emotions, compartmentalize, look outside the box, and act on what's truly important, to me and to people I care about? Some people are willing to sacrifice greatly for a cause, even at the expense of their family. I never thought I'd be like that, but my inability to set aside my deep distraction on Katrina's birthday says I am.

These are not things that typical Silicon Valley engineers have to ask themselves about their work environments.

I suppose that in the end someday, I will be a better person for having exploring these dark depths, for having asked myself some very difficult questions, for being forced to face my worst weaknesses and having to clarify my priorities. It's extraordinarily difficult to reconcile basic guiding principles of right and wrong with harming people, and their families, who I like and respect and who've risked a great deal already on my behalf. It's almost worse than a Supreme Court nominee's confirmation proceedings.

I had a remarkable moment today in all this though. As I was concluding a long gripe to my mother on the phone, and feeling better, I looked down at a tearful Katrina, wiped her eyes, gave her a hug and a glass of milk "to make me stop crying." As my own mother was comforting me, I was comforting my own daughter. It didn't answer the questions, but it made them all go away.

10/7/2010

10/6/2010 CC&C!

Coffee, Cheesecake, Company! (or is that Coffee, Cheesecake, Chatter?)

Well, one way or another, it means all my dorky stories were purged from my head verbally, and you, dear reader, are spared until tomorrow.

10/6/2010

10/5/2010 Birthday Girl!

Katrina was very excited about her birthday today! I had planned long ago to do a little mini-party at her preschool. I was ready promptly at 3:05, as instructed by Miss Amanda (Katrina's teacher, and previously Julian's teacher), with mini-carrot cakes. What a happy, proud girl, enjoying being the center of attention.


Nothing like sharing some birthday carrot cake with your friends (and very pregnant teacher, she's due with her 2nd boy in just a few weeks).


I brought Katrina home, where we called Bonne Maman. I'm really starting to hate my speakerphone, it's so hard to hear anyone, let alone the high-pitched little voice of a giggling 4-year-old. But we tried.


I'm glad we opened this present with Bonne Maman on the phone, because we ran out of time in the evening to open other presents, so I'm glad she got one. And she loved it!


Couldn't be persuaded to take off the brown polka-dot corduroy pants though.


Later in the evening, cake #2 (bought). Have to have a celebration with the family!


Or part of it. Julian had been sent to his room for persistent rudeness -- and he knew that birthday cake was at stake but wouldn't let up -- and my tummy wasn't up to it tonight (very odd for me). But she still giggled her way through the Happy Birthday song, and even sang it herself too.

The rest of the day has nothing good at all to say, so I'm glad Katrina and her excitement about her birthday was there to rescue it.

This morning, Katrina said, "It's my birthday! Now I'm going to be FIVE!"

10/5/2010

10/4/2010 Photo prep

It's a big day tomorrow, and someone is very excited!! (That would be me of course.)

In preparation for a Facebook profile photo change, I did a little photo session tonight, of the "hold your arm out and hope for the best" sort, with Katrina. She was happily willing and thought the whole thing was very funny, so these joyful faces are genuinie.





I thought I'd decided on this last one to use for the FB profile, but seeing them in thumbnail, I think I like the first one better. Katrina looks adorable in every photo, but closeups and profiles for the pushing-50 set....ugh...just as well not seen.

I could look at her sweet face all day long though. This is the New Katrina: cheerful, funny, joyful, full of bright lively chatter, happy about everything.

Today my boss's boss came down on my immediate boss because of me, partly because I "declined" (that's a Microsoft Outlook term) a proposed meeting for tomorrow afternoon. The fact that I'd blocked out tomorrow afternoon on my work calendar weeks ago is of no consequence -- why fret about silly logistical details like that? Why indeed, if things like prior scheduled commitments are of any concern, then naturally the reason I didn't answer his call at my desk this morning (another reason to come down on my hapless boss) is of no concern either. The fact that I was already on a conference call and Webex, at my desk, with engineers in Boston and Denver is of no matter. Why let reality get in the way?

This sort of thing makes me dig my heels in even more about keeping my outside-work commitments. The irrationality is so high that now I absolutely will not consider missing passing cupcakes (actually mini-carrot muffins) out to Katrina's class and singing Happy Birthday at 3:05 tomorrow. It's on my calendar, and more importantly, it's on hers.

10/5/2010

9/3/2010 Birthday Party

I took Katrina to a birthday party today for a classmate whose birthday is one day before Katrina's. Jules and Katrina play together a fair amount at school, and I really like Jules' mom.

Katrina is characteristically hesitant at these things at first, but then she was ALL over it! It brought a lump to my throat to see her laughing and smiling and jumping constantly. I noticed she didn't interact directly with any other kid, but was joining in the fun anyway. It's so satisfying as a parent to see your child competely happy and having a great time.

Grabbing the edge of the parachute and jumping up and down flapping it brought peals of laughter from the whole group.

Birthday girl in the middle!

Make those balls jump!


Then get as silly as possible with your own balls.


This party was at an inconvenient time tonight, but SO worth it. I just love seeing Katrina participating and playing and shouting and laughing and singing and just being a regular delightful kid.

10/3/2010

10/2/2010 Shopping

There are few things I'd rather do on weekends -- or ever -- than shop, but today it was a necessary evil.

And not so bad -- I took Katrina to a toy store to pick out a birthday present for a classmate who's turning 4 one day before Katrina does. I figured it'd make picking something for her birthday easy -- whatever she picks for her friend and fawns over, I could surprise her with.

That plan failed completely when she instead played with much younger toys that were all boy-sorts of things: a parking garage, a rocket ship, a train set. Not that I mind getting her boy toys at all, but we already have so many.

As we were leaving, suddenly she cried out "Ooh Mommy, LOOK!" and rushed toward a display I hadn't seen yet,of jewelry and music boxes. Perfect! Which one would she pick up?

But no, instead, there was yet another baby toy with wheels that happened to be parked in front of the music box display, and she went right to it and pushed it around and laughed about the "snapping" alligators.

You can see the clothes she picks for herself aren't particularly princess-y either. Not that I need to push the girly-girl thing on her, but when it comes to birthday shopping, it'd open up a lot of options.

In the end, I decided to try to find her a stuffed horse that stands up -- now that's a girl thing I'm all over!

When we got home, she was a bird again.


Our family room sofa situation is awful and worsening. The awful ancient slipcover is disintegrating, and I don't want to spend one cent on a new one. It's really really really time for a new couch there. Usually emergency shopping is for more milk, not major pieces of furniture, but this afternoon, I went emergency-shopping for a couch.

I took the boys to a huge furniture store I've been to before, that has vintage pinball machines that work. They barely turned their heads while I worked on the finer points of legs, fabrics and arm styles.

(And didn't order anything, decisions tomorrow.)

And tonight, I ordered Halloween costumes. Turns out, HalloweenCostumes.com has much the same things as on eBay -- but right away, for sometimes less money, and without the uncertainty of winning an auction. The boys both want to be Star Wars characters: Anakin and Luke Skywalker.

Katrina's already settled on being a clown, with a costume we already have (actually, a $7 eBay find that Julian used when he was 4) -- but my heart stopped when Gabriel said, "Wouldn't it be great if Katrina was Princess Leia?" Oh my GOSH, the cute factor would be over the top -- and that's one Princess I could stand!

But having Halloween costumes settled is one accomplishment I'm not messing with. I'm done shopping.

10/2/2010

9/30/2010 The Deal

Ugh....GABRIEL!

EVERY day we hear another report from the CDC about his obnoxious behavior.

Part of the problem is that there was recently huge turnover in the CDC staff, so all the people who've known Gabriel -- and us -- since kindergarten left around the beginning of the school year. It takes a while to really "get" that he just doesn't respond to discipline measures as other kids do, and now he's older and faster and has lost whatever bits of intimidation he might have had from being the youngest.

Gabriel really, really, REALLY wants a book in this month's Scholastic order that has the plans to the Millenium Falcon. It's expensive for a Scholastic book -- $21 -- and is really just a pop-up with lots of spaceship pictures. I balked at this, and couldn't suggest he buy it himself because he's bankrupt (has lost allowance well into November), but decided this might be a good tool for improving his behavior.

So I told him: 4 straight days of perfect behavior at the CDC after school, and I'll order the book for him. That's quite a reward for what should be just normally expected behavior, but we're really starting at a deficit!

So today, the first day of the deal, Gabriel wouldn't come inside from the auditorium/library area where the 3rd-and-up graders stay after school. This forced the Director of the place, a new guy who's not exactly jovial or warm, to go in and chase him around to get him to move to the main CDC building. This sounds sort of funny, but it's infuriating. The Director is busy running a center for tens of kids and shouldn't have to put so much energy to dealing with one. I've had to chase Gabriel down too, and it's frankly sort of humiliating. And there comes a point in which you just can't deal with your kids by physically overpowering them anyway.

Gabriel being Gabriel of course wasn't contrite and didn't back down when I told him he'd lost the book -- indeed, full-scale war was brewing. So for practical reasons, I told him that after he'd done everything he had to do -- including starting some laundry -- that we'd talk about it.

(Believe me, sticking to the guns about "no book" would have no effect except massive futile painful conflict. He won't "learn" from it and behave better next time. Other kids, yes. But we're not talking about other kids.)

So he turned cooperative and sweet, did everything he needed to do before bed, so then I wrote out a chart for 5 days, with "Morning" and "CDC" on each day. He has to get a checkmark for each time, a total of 10, to earn himself that book. Actually I'm going to change it to give some margin for error, because one mistake and the incentive is gone. I know, dear reader, you're thinking, one mistake and "that should be it." But you all know Gabriel well enough to know what that means. I think I'll change it so that if he gets and "X" instead of a check, that then he'll have to get two checks to make up for it.

I even offered him some help "remembering" to behave himself at the CDC, by writing on his hand "BOOK." I know it will fade or sweat off, but the act of writing on his hand seemed to make an impact, at least for the moment.

Dealing with the Devil, I swear. But this Devil turned to an Angel after this; even hugging and kissing me and saying, "See Mom, I like it so much better when we're like this."

Meantime, Julian and Katrina had a grand time together when they got home rushing out to put the (enormous) garbage cans away. Julian can handle them, but Katrina is sooo little! I give her credit for trying though. She is a total adorable ray of sunshine these days. I tried to get her to try chicken tonight, by saying that chicken is for big girls (which she thinks she is because of her upcoming birthday next week). She thought about this and said, "Well, I'm a little big!"

Julian didn't have the best moment before dinner. He wants to wear his wrist brace all the time, but he really needs to have it off to do some exercises, and to get his hand back to normal. He claims it still hurts, but we can't tell how true this is, as he'll cry out "OW!" if you faintly touch the other hand.

I ended up sending him outside to finish screaming and crying when he wouldn't quit demanding his brace back (tried to remove it for dinner), and then he got this awful bloody nose. That made for a graceful exit; I had a reason to fawn over him and give him a ton of attention. In the end, we compromised over the brace: we do some of the exercises the doctor gave him, then he could have the brace back for dinner. Whew.

It's so odd -- funny? -- that just as the hardest stage of life is pretty much done around here -- Katrina turning 4 really marks the end of toddlerdom -- that new hard stages of life are taking hold.

9/30/2010

9/29/2010 Imagination

Yesterday the Director of Katrina's preschool commented at how much "imagination" she has. This is a comment I hear again and again, from numerous sources. I have no idea what that means, based on my previous experience with kids' imaginations, which is pretty much none. But from what it seems to others, Katrina's being a new character every day qualifies.

It is truly adorable, that today she's a bird and tomorrow a butterfly, and that I have to flap my Mommy Bird wings with her on our way out the door. This is the sort of silliness I thought I'd dread as a parent, but it's totally charming.

So why is this so foreign to me? Julian will go along with role-playing if someone else starts it, but I've never seem him initiate. Gabriel -- not ever once. I can't begin to imagine him showing up in a costume with a new name and mythical quest.

My nephew Aidan is the polar opposite, always inventing whole worlds and complex relationships between people and animals and things. That sort of imaginative play-life isn't in Gabriel's DNA, and Julian's only shows up when prompted. So no wonder I can't tell if Katrina's just being a normal kid or if she really is imaginative. I'm told she is, and that's just great. If only I knew what to do with that, though I guess I'm doing OK so far flapping my Mommy Butterfly wings on cue.

Katrina found a toy that had been put away, slated for giveaway, in the garage. Miss Amanda did up her ponytails in little buns today, so cute.


Julian got his cast off today, though he still has a brace for a few weeks. He's complaining that it hurts, but it's hard to separate fact from fiction. This is where he's best at using his imagination -- he imagines he'll get more attention the more he says it hurts, but he loses credibility when he cries "Ow!" when we lightly place a finger on the uninjured arm.


And now it's time to imagine that it's 9pm (it's 11pm) and that I'm going to dream happily away for 10 hours and wake up surrounded by fresh flowers and a fragrant breeze and lay there for half an hour gradually welcoming the world of the awake.

9/29/2010

9/28/2010 The book report

Gabriel has his first 3rd-grade book report due Thursday.

Incredibly, this one has been nearly painless. He's done every step without being bugged or asked. Not entirely on his own -- the teacher puts in his daily homework what step they should accomplish within the next few days, but he's done it.

I read it over tonight to check it, and found that he'd done a really good job at the "Character Sketch," the "Summary" and the "Recommendation." Actually, he writes really pretty well. His handwriting is horrendous -- it's very very hard to read, but I find his choice of words to be pretty insightful and have a good flow.

Perhaps in part thanks to my dedicating some time to reviewing the report when we got home tonight, the evening went amazingly well tonight. It was downright peaceful. Julian set right to work finishing up his week's homework -- all he had left to do was to put 20 words in "abc" (alphabetic) order. Gabriel moans and complains and works himself into tears for over half an hour because he can't stand doing the same task, but Julian just tackles it quietly and gets it done in under 10 minutes.

In fact overall, most of the pain so far with homework is getting the boys just to sit down and do it. The struggle is in separating them from each other and from their irresistable little sister (and in Gabriel's case getting over the outrage at having to do it at all), but once they get going, they're both independent and competent at doing the actual work on their own.

So far, Julian's first-grade homework has been far, far, FAR easier to deal with than Gabriel's was; partly because the work itself doesn't require so much parent participation, partly because it's assigned weekly instead of daily, and partly because Julian is far more cooperative (overall) about doing it.

Despite today's success, it's staggering to think that there will be yet a 3rd to deal with next year. It's so overwhelming...I can't think about that now. I'll think about that tomorrow.

9/28/2010

The Students

Tonight I gave the kids dinner and put them to bed, so Dave could work late and then attend "Back To School" night at Katrina's preschool.

This morning, the boys had given Dave a really hard time with getting in the car, by hiding behind the garage and forcing him into a stressful search to find them and get going. Our days are very tight, we have everything scheduled down to the last 5 minutes -- there's no room for that sort of nonsense in the morning. For me, every 5 minutes delay at home is another 10 in traffic. So Dave was understandably pretty mad. Another reason to give him a break from dealing with them tonight.

When I picked the boys up today, I got the usual story from CDC teachers about the trouble Gabriel gave them that day. I really am getting tired hearing 10 minutes of "parent communication" about his behavior every day. I have to respond to it and support the CDC teachers of course, I don't blame them at all, but his consistent difficult behavior is getting very tiresome. (Today it was not coming in to the CDC building from the library/auditorium area where the older kids stay, running from the teachers and messing around.)

At dinner tonight, Gabriel complained bitterly about how boring school is. He recently got a 3 out of 6 on a math test, which greatly reduces my sympathy. Of all things that come easy to him, it's the math -- a bad math grade means carelessness. He's not doing that well overall so far in fact, so I explained to him that if he really thinks school is boring, then when he gets perfect grades and has perfect behavior, then we can talk to the principal about advancing him to the 4th grade. That is a blatant lie, because I have no intention whatsoever of skipping him no matter how perfect his grades are. But I will take his complaints about school being "boring" more seriously when he takes it more seriously.

Julian, on the other hand, ran up to me at the CDC and announced brightly, "Guess what Mommy! I finished all my homework for the week!"

After dinner, I shamelessly used dessert as an incentive (bribe?) to get all 3 of them to write "I'm sorry" notes to Dave about their behavior this morning. Katrina really didn't deserve the same blame as her obnoxious brothers, she just went along with the hiding, but she was there, so I had her write a note too.

And to my amazement and delight, she tackled this with enthusiasm and, dare I say it, joy?! I couldn't believe it. She had no trouble writing this note at all.

I wrote the words down for her first, and helped her find the next letter so it didn't take all night, but it was clear she knew what the next letter was. Like most new writers, she needed help putting spaces between the words, but she showed surprising control of the pencil and great attention to the method of writing a letter, just as she's been taught. She was very focused, and most of all, very proud of herself. I couldn't believe it! I was very very proud of her too and praised her effort with total abandon.

Her brothers on the other hand....oy.

Gabriel loses dessert most days because of behavior, so he was pretty motivated tonight to write a "sorry" note with the promise of dessert. He grumbled, but the call of chocolate won out. OK.


Julian, Mr. Studious, had more trouble, being rude along the way, then writing the note, then adding "not" to "I am sorry." He lost dessert then and had to get ready for bed, but when he appeared with a new note that he'd written on his own, I conceded 3 small chocolates. Sounds permissive, but I really really really want to encourage contriteness.


I'm completely aware that these apologies are insincere and motivated only by sweets. But as I often tell the kids, "You don't have to feel sorry, but you do have to say you're sorry." It's true. Few apologies in life really are sincere expressions of remorse; they're mostly peacekeepers to move on. And that's fine. Asking a kid to really feel sorry is hard to define and impossible to prove anyway. But saying you're sorry is common courtesy, and is understood socially not as being literally meaningful, but as an important gesture. If the true motive is dessert, then so be it.

Gabriel. Remarkable natural ability in certain things, but so so so difficult. To many adults, not caring what other people think is a quality to be admired and striven for (and all teenagers say that but it's never true). But raising a kid who pretty much truly doesn't care what other people think is really freakin' hard. Social pressure and parental approval are crucial elements in interacting with and controlling -- did I just say controlling? -- guiding your children, and this is something we just don't have as parents. Gabriel is the most emotionally independent "normal" (and perhaps that should be questioned) child I've ever heard of.

I don't mean he's a total rock -- he does need me -- but that side of him is so much harder to reach than most kids. It still shocks me when Katrina bursts into tears in the rare instances that I raise my voice at her. This is where she and her tough-skinned thick-skulled brother really depart. It's not in Gabriel's DNA to cry in reaction to a verbal statement.

The only really consistent soft side to Gabriel -- and he totally has them -- but the only one that's frequently obvious -- is his unrelenting affection and adoration for his sister. I'm not just saying that because of the "awwwwwww" factor, it's really true. But a big factor as to why is because Julian takes the brunt of Gabriel's peer competition and interaction. Gabriel's hapless brother runs interference, if you will, for Katrina, wringing out Gabriel's need to pester and torture and push against, leaving him clean and fresh to be sweet to his sister.

Meantime, all signs so far are that Julian and Katrina will be the better students.

9/27/2010

9/26/2010 Weekend at home

Lots of calm time Saturday, largely because Julian was out of the picture voluntarily or involuntarily. Gabriel and Katrina built Legos together for the better part of the day. Always in the mentor-mentee role of course, but they were happy and proud of their work.



Later I went out to a mini-bachelorette party for one my longtime friends from motorcycling. It's pretty rare that just the women of this group will get together, so it was quite the treat.

I laughed to myself when I thought about how we knew each other. Linda, on my left, is the bride, just married Robert, who I've known as long as Dave and had ridden with almost as much. Next to Linda is Joanne, who I'd ridden with many times too, or rather, saw her taillight for a curve or too and then she was gone. Next to Joanne is Tammy, who did a monthlong trip to Alaska with Linda. Then Tammy and her boyfriend Tom, a pilot from Germany, sailed around the world for 3 years. Lee, in the foreground, has done many of the same trips I have but somehow we never rode together much. She's also done lots of backbacking and foreign travel and got me all inspired to do a trip to Peru based on one she did last year.

Sara hadn't arrived yet in time for this photo, but she's the only woman in the group that I've had more typical woman bonding experiences with, when we were in prenatal yoga classes together, and we both have preschoolers now. But Sara still rides these days, unlike me, sniff. I think only two or three women in the group don't actually ride themselves, but are adventurers on the back of their guys' bikes. Rubye is one of those, she organized this event and we've been friends for years -- and her husband Reid was one of my favorite riding partners. I'm not sure where I fit into that anymore...I was certainly one of the most active in my day, but now I'm the only one besides Sara with young children. (Tammy has two grown sons.)

Anyway, though the conversation will sometimes turn to motorcycle mechanics, it's still the girls getting together with the girls, and it was a great time.

Tough afternoon with Gabriel...punched Julian in the eye, then was troublesome and astoundingly rude to the point that I ended up not letting him come swimming with us. To implement that consequence, it meant leaving him home alone or no one went, and Katrina had really earned it.

I'd rather think about my time being a normal grownup around a fantastic group of women with whom our most common element is motorcycles!

9/26/2010

9/24/2010 Silly photos

Getting home today, the sun was in a funny position a behind this flax plant. Perched on a small boulder in front of it, with its spiky purple leaves seeming to emanate from behind the subject, made for a fun goofy photo.


Wings!

(Gabriel declined.)

A decent evening as ours go, but that still means a lot of correcting, repeating, warning, eventually yelling and screaming (theirs first then ours). Tonight was Julian's turn. The smallest thing causes him to screech at the top of his lungs, so as a consequence he has to sit outside until he's quiet for 5 minutes, but of course that only marks the beginning of the conflict escalation. I swear I think age 2 was his best year.

After dinner, Gabriel and Katrina helped me make peanut butter cookies with a chocolate kiss in the middle, something I made for a friend's birthday yesterday and gave away, so the kids wanted some too. I love making things with my new stand mixer; it makes even the simplest recipe so much easier.

But even more, I love making things with the kids. Peanut-butter cookies that need rolling in sugar and a chocolate kiss in the middle are great fun with them. And no privilege is greater than getting to operate my stand mixer.

I just wish Julian had been with us making cookies instead of upstairs crying in his room for being kicked out after the 29th infraction (hurting Katrina's hand after being told numerous times to move away from her). I wish it weren't that way; moments enjoying all three together are so rare and so coveted.

I'd rather think about this Julian.

I love him so much, our little oddball. He doesn't have Gabriel's powerful personality or Katrina's charms, and his drama and tendency toward victimhood doesn't wear well in this literal and technical household. All this and in the "middle child" position. If there's a different one in the family, it's Julian. Most of the time that's an asset. Today wasn't most of the time unfortunately, but I have high hopes for tomorrow.

9/24/2010

9/23/2010 Stressed out

Today was a bad stomach day, made worse by a forced face time at a pizza lunch with execs. By noon at work, I'm ready for a break -- and it's no break to sit -- or stand -- for an hour in an overcrowded stuffy room listening to executives answer irrelevant questions with long 10-minute meaningless answers.

Already uncomfortable, my remedy for a sour tummy and a bad mood had been to go running at lunch, but this became politically impossible. The bitterness only increased when I realized the person who demanded my face do time there had ducked out himself. I was asked many times why I wasn't having pizza, and while I had a lot of reasons, the truth was, I just didn't feel well.

A coworker asked if my chronic stomach pain is from stress. "Are you stressed?" she asked.

Am I stressed. Am I stressed? What a funny question. I was hard-pressed to think of something in my life that I'm not stressed about. I like my work, but the political aspects of the environment are emotionally stressful. My children stress me, but the guilt of being away from them stresses me more. Even the things I enjoy bring stress, in that I never feel like I can dedicate any real time or attention to them. Hovering over everything is nonstop, relentless, constant tiredness. Never getting the right kind of sleep at the right time -- weekend afternoons after a nap are the only time of the week when I feel sharp.

Today Dave picked up the kids, so I had a few relaxed minutes at home before the troops came home. When they did, Gabriel burst into the kitchen, threw up his hands and yelled, "I am SO stressed out!!!"

He did have a lot of homework, and I helped him with some of it, mostly just motivating him. One thing he had to do was to bring "clippings" of a "regional land form," but couldn't be specific about what that meant. I printed some photos of the Pinnacles from our trip last May, but I wasn't about to do all the work. So I showed him how the Pinnacles had been formed (with plates along the San Andreas fault carrying a split volcano 195 miles north over 23 million years), had him write him it down, and then we looked at animations of tectonic plates moving, how mountains are formed and how earthquakes happen.

That was actually fun. Somehow being with my stressful and stressed-out son tonight de-stressed us both.

9/23/2010

9/22/2010 Easy morning

Was this an early morning hallucination?

I went to get the boys up at about 6:45am, and to my amazement, they were both dressed, shoes on, backpacks ready and on the porch, had had breakfast, and were playing together quietly. That's the rule, and they met it! It's stunning how much easier our mornings are when they cooperate. Not only do we have a great deal more time, we have joy, freedom to think, room to smile and laugh and new will to live. When they're cooperative like this, it underscores how incredibly draining and miserable our usual mornings pushing them every step of the way are.

I sure wish I knew how to reproduce that magic, because it was good.

9/22/2010

9/21/2010 WFH

A new acronym: WFH. Working From Home. I like OOO better -- Out Of Office.

I stayed home today, with no regrets, with a low-energy but overall healthy Julian. He has sniffles but his temp never returned, and he rested and read a lot today. This let me work....and do some other things that desperately needed attention.

I swear, as soon as I have a chance to tackle the building pile of ToDos, I'm stunned by how large and how smelly that pile has gotten. I took care of a few things today that if I hadn't done today, I'd have been in serious time trouble (relating mostly to the Sept. 30th deadline for completely Dad's Medicaid application).

Some of that pile included a stock-up trip to Target. Having Julian with me turns a drudgerous chore into quality time with my son, incredibly. He liked that he can finally see over the carts now, and was very helpful pushing the cart around.

What a wonderful, delightful, funny child when his brother isn't around to compete with for the Most Obnoxious Son award.

I was determined not just to get absolutely necessary things done though. In addition to phone calls made, letters written and sent, packages put together and mailed, emails sent, store items returned and bills paid, I also went to a framing store to finally, finally put some artwork together for our bare walls. Actually, I should say, to add to a building pile of artwork to put up on the walls -- like most things around here, it just hasn't happened. I was really impressed with our friend Paul and Elisabeth's house decoration last weekend -- while I'm not quite as enamored with cat art as they are, I do appreciate actually having things on the walls. It's long overdue for us.

Amidst all these home errands, most of the day was actually spent working. That WFH thing. I did a lot of work actually -- in fact it kept me from really getting ahead on "homework," but alas, deadlines loom regardless.

Tomorrow, no WFH or OOO, it's back to normal.

9/21/2010

9/20/2010 Insights

This risk of suspension thing really has us in a tizzy.

Gabriel's principal said that "next time" Gabriel will be suspended for hitting. Next time when? This school year? The rest of his life at Collins? Seems to me a clear probationary period should be established. I don't mean that he should think he can revert to his old ways after 3 months, but I also think that the constant vague threat will lose its meaning too.

Also, we found out that the kid that Gabriel punched risked suspension too. Now that's really arbitrary. That makes me think that the principal is throwing around that word without really thinking about it. It means a lot to parents, and it needs to be better-defined. Dave and I are doing some research on school and California policy (thanks SR!) and plan to talk to the principal about it.

I chatted this afternoon briefly with the very very very very very nice Mom of the kid who Gabriel punched. She assured me that they were total pals again, that her son wasn't completely innocent either, and that it wasn't a problem. She is SO nice, I felt so much better. A lot of Moms would be understandably PO'd if their kid got in trouble with the principal for being punched!

I titled this post "Insights" because of two remarkable things Gabriel said today, one of which came now.

I told Gabriel that his friend now risks suspension too. Gabriel frowned and said, "That doesn't make any sense -- he's not the one who got in trouble!"

Ya gotta love this kid's clarity.

Moments later, the mom of one of Julian's kindergarten classmates, and a rare neighbor, parked next to my car and got out. I was floored to see that she's pregnant, and she laughed about needing to park as close as possible these days. After I drove away, I told Julian that his former classmate was going to have a sister, and wasn't it exciting that our neighbor is pregnant. Gabriel responded, "I don't care if anyone's pregnant -- unless it's you. Now that would be OK." Taken aback, I asked him, "Why is it OK if I'm pregnant?" And he answered, "Because that would mean more family members."

What's stunning is his tone of voice. He says it so impassively, so factually. He doesn't say it pensively or with anticipation, as you'd expect about a kid talking about a potential sibling. It's like it's SO obvious. Gabriel has said before that he'd like another sister or brother, and takes it in stride when I tell him I'm not having any more babies. Aside from the technical reasons (I'm 47 and had a tubal ligation), NO more babies.

In fact, I told my pregnant neighbor, "Congratulations -- but stop at TWO!"

I do think stopping at two is smart, and I often lament how difficult it is to spend any concentrated time with one or two. It's not just that three divides your attention across three children; it divides your attention across three stages of life. Unless you were smart about it and had twins or triplets that is. Maybe this is why I like taking the boys on excursions so much, because then we're all in the same "place" for a day.

But while two is smart, perhaps more livable and more intimate, when you're in the life of 3, for better or worse, you are glad for each individual. While the life of 3 is often very hard for us, we could never say we didn't want the 3rd. It's the challenging first two that makes life so tough these days -- Katrina happily reminds us of the joys of childhood. Lately, she makes it worth it. I'm told I'll be saying the same about her brothers when she's 13 or 14.

But tomorrow, I get the ideal situation: one. Julian came home with a temperature today, and while he perked up before bedtime (insisting on doing his homework?!), I'd already decided to keep him home tomorrow. Odds are good his temperature and lethargy will return, and he was complaining of a headache (that freaks me out) and a sore throat. A day alone with my #1 #2 boy will be just fine with me.

9/20/2010

9/19/2010 Weekend Getaway

Dave and I went away for the weekend together, for the first time since our first child was born. We drove north to a private community called Sea Ranch, which really is private -- a giant homeowner's association maintains the roads and hiking trails for the hundreds of houses along a 10-mile stretch of coast. A good friend has a house there and kindly let us use it for the weekend.

It's an amazing thing about California, but not doing much for the weekend means that you're doing something that countless people all over the world want to do -- view the stunning Pacific Coast. And we didn't do much this weekend, but didn't need to. This was the view from the living room.


A 10-second walk takes you to these low cliffs. Tempting to climb, but still plenty dangerous.



We really made sure not to do too much. And being right on the coast, you don't have to do much to be doing a lot. About a mile down Hwy 1 was access to a wonderful little beach, with a favorite sunning spot for harbor seals and nice little coves.

I love climbing over the big rocks and looking for marine wildlife, and came across clusters of shellfish, mussels I think. Soberly I realized that that must mean where I'm standing is usually underwater. We spent a lot of time here just looking at the waves and birds, and occasionally seeing a harbor seal pop his head out of the water.

We went out to a nice dinner at a low-key place with a surprisingly high-brow menu, and watched some travel documentaries about towns in the Italian countryside. We hardly looked at the clock, because for once, we didn't need to.

Sunday we took a leisurely drive home, taking the "backroads" of course, of which there are many up there. The smaller off-the-beaten-path roads in Northern CA are mecca for motorcyclists, and while the experience isn't quite the same in a car, it sure beats droning along behind self-righteous putzy SUVs who doesn't know anything about turnouts on Highway One. Driving, navigating, deciding routes is something that Dave and I are always in sync on, since our early friendship was centered around adventurous road (and often off-road) trips.

We got home with 20 minutes to spare before our self-imposed deadline. I was apprehensive but happy to see our children -- would the boys launch immediately into obnoxious mode and remind us how difficult our lives have been recently? No, it seemed that Gabriel, to my surprise and delight, had engaged our weekend nanny with Yahtzee and card games. She said usually she works the game to let the kid win a little, but with Gabriel she worked hard and still lost. Julian had been asked to leave until he could play without disrupting the game, and Katrina was happily chatting about being a bird today (she's always some new character every day), while the nanny worked on her ponytails. I felt a stab of guilt that I never sit and play Yahtzee with them, but really, that's not my thing. Ping-pong, and when we get a trampoline, sure.

Back to reality tomorrow, but what a delightful, and much-needed, diversion from it.

9/19/2010