1/22/2011 3rd Ski Day: In the groove

Now that we were all in the groove, morning logistics were a snap. It helped that we'd forgotten to return the boys' helmets the day before (according to some law we unwittingly broke), so we could avoid the rental hut altogether.

I was adament about arriving before 8 when ski school opened to avoid long line waits, and that worked. We had everyone checked in and ready at 8:10am, with Katrina handed off to the 6-and-under care -- now what to do until 9:45am when their boys' lessons start? The lifts didn't even open until 8:30!

They waited for the lifts to open while I got my lift ticket, stashed my stuff in a locker, and geared up. I'm happy that the boys are off and running enough that I could tell them to just go to the Easy Rider Express lift and start skiing when it opened. They even rode it together without pushing each other off.



We had about an hour to play together on the bunny hill. This worked this time, but I still don't like that weird short time period to kill with 2 kids with very different skills. I can still hear a phone rep cheerfully telling me that we could just hang out in the lodge -- hello that's not what we're here for!

Julian was much better this morning, more confident and consistent.

Julian warming up for his 3rd day:


Gabriel was as usual raring to go, though he was more cautious in the little terrain park this time.


He made sure to prove to me he could stop.


We did a little "race" down this hill, and I won -- only because it's not steep. Gabriel claimed it was because I have poles.


Julian was more interested in skiing "together," and we had fun following each other's tracks. He can turn much more sharply than I can, so it was interesting practice for me.


I had scheduled an "early bird" private lesson for myself this morning, but Dave and I talked about it and agreed he'd get more out of it, especially to get over a fear hump and attempt a blue for the first time. Dave's instructor turned out to be my first lesson's teacher, a last-minute switch because they'd scheduled a snowboard instructor. Everyone is so nice at Sierra, but my goodness are they disorganized!


I definitely think this paid off; Dave's turns were noticeably improved and more parallel. Now he needs a lot of sink-in time, as we all do.


The last time up before ski school started, I rode the lift up with both boys. Julian wanted to demonstrate his self-invented "technique" of pushing himself off the chair, and ended up jumping off too early. He tripped forward, and only my pulling him out of the way kept him from getting mowed down by the chair. Then Gabriel stopped right in our path, almost tripping me. They had to stop the lift and retrieve Julian's skis, it was quite the little comedy. Afterward I had a talk with Julian about setting his skis down and standing up, not jumping off!

Being a Saturday, the whole place was far more crowded, but the adult ski lessons still ended up being small. Only 15 non-total-beginner skiiers showed up, and were divided into 3 groups. The two best skiiers were those volunteered themselves as "happy on all blue runs." I was 3rd, or first in the "blues but still nervous" category. So once again, I ended up in the most advanced lesson.

But I made the cut only because of some recent excellent instruction and practice -- my classmates were far more experienced, most held season passes and had skiied for at least a few years. My lack of seasoning really showed; I was much more thrown by changing conditions and patches of ice than the rest, and just didn't have their composure or consistency.

Our lesson, 5 women (later 4 when one got separated accidentally, bummer) started on Sugar'n'Spice, the long 2-1/2 mile green run, and Gabriel's lesson skiied by! I was very happy to see that Julian was not in it, and finally, Gabriel was in a matched group (though he told me later he was the only one in the group willing to try Lower Main, and was outvoted). One of the "happy blues" skiiers in my group said her 7-year-old daughter was also in Gabriel's lesson.


A few minutes later, we saw Gabriel's lesson go down a moderate blue, Hemlock. I didn't have much time to point out and brag about my son, because he was gone. Barrelled right down. Good for him! I'm glad that was the last we saw of his lesson, because it really distracted me and the other mom.

My instructor wasn't great this time. He did a few exercises, but so often the way he talked was "You do a turn like this..." and I couldn't tell if he was pointing out a mistake or explaining the way it should be done. Not every instructor is going to work for every student every time; and yesterday's instructor set a very high bar for me.

Still, I got a lot out of it -- other people to ski with, a small well-matched group, the courage to attempt runs I would never have otherwise, good practice, and still some instruction. I learned later he had us on a short upper less-steep section of a black and I'm sure glad I didn't know that at the time!!

Dave also took the group lesson after his private lesson (!), then we met up for lunch at the top again. That was great. He got there first, and beat the lines so that I was able to just walk in and my lunch was ready and waiting, and he'd scored a table by then. Add to that the complimentary slippers and beautiful view, and I was as close to heaven as it gets!

(How is it that I was able to get Dave to order my lunch and meet him at the top? Texting! This worked great, we texted a lot to coordinate, though there were some no-service areas.)

We skiied together after lunch, and I wanted to get one more video of me attempting Lower Main again. My lesson this morning had covered so much ice I figured I was getting used to it now (actually I wasn't), and my lesson hadn't covered my new nemesis, Lower Main.


Big tactical error though: instead of just filming from the top as we had the previous 2 days, we agreed on a spot for Dave to video from the bottom, but Dave ended up in a different place than I expected. Turns out, the video quality was too poor from that distance anyway, and we wasted much too much time trying to coordinate this. I don't know what I was thinking.

We made up for it with a from-the-bottom video of a short easy blue run, but video quality is ridiculous. I still wish we'd just done exactly what we'd done before with a short clip from the top of Lower Main, and spent more time skiing. It'd have been cool to see myself ski the same place three days in a row, though I didn't feel like I'd progessed much today.


But there was a good reason I didn't want to rerun Lower Main -- because we had only an hour left before picking up children, and I wanted to try some of the West Bowl blues that we'd done in my lesson this morning. Lower Main would force me to ride a lift again, and lines were still long. So after the video of "Short Swing," I thanked Dave and took off to run Beaver, ride up the West Bowl lift, and then take Escape back to the main lodge area to pick up kids. I'd done Beaver and Escape in lessons, and really like this whole area. Perfect for a last run.

But it wasn't perfect. I was much more tired than I'd realized -- cumulatively tired, or maybe because for the first time all day, I was alone and not stopping all the time. The ice seemed harder, and in places was obscured by something I wasn't used to: snow. Like the light fluffy white stuff. It stops you short, unlike the ice. Also, shadows were long and I couldn't see the terrain as I was used to -- probably a good thing but it threw me off.

So I seriously struggled down Beaver, a run I remember being easy and pretty and confidence-inspiring. When I got to the top to run Escape, the wind started blasting too. Just a reminder that just because we'd had beautiful mild spring weather, didn't mean Mom Nature forgot it's January high up in the mountains.



I had a very very tough time down Escape, skidding and sliding out of control on the ice, thighs begging to give out. All technique was lost, I was in survival mode, even though I knew technique was the key to survival!

Looking back up the slope when I'd made it -- barely -- down the steepest part, the sun rimmed the top of the slope beautifully, but my camera didn't catch it. This slope sure looks mild from here.


Later I learned that Gabriel's lesson had also gone down Escape and Beaver, and I had new respect for him. They're really not bad -- I'd done them several times without much trouble -- but for some reason that last run was brutal. Gabriel just gave a big smile and a thumbs-up when I asked what he thought of them. No confidence issues there!

It was greens back to the lodge, where I regretfully shifted into logistics mode. Dave had gone to pick up the kids, but it's never easy herding everyone into the car and not losing something.

We decided to go back to the lovely house we were staying in, have a snack, and let the kids watch TV while we packed up, and drive home that night. It wasn't quite that easy, but somehow we were driving away, with regret, by 6:30pm, and in Placerville for a promised dinner at Carrow's by 7:30 or so.

There we had to do something I've never actually done before: walk out of a restaurant. We waited 15 minutes just to be seated -- no line, no crowds, just one slow inefficient waitress. We were already very annoyed and hungry and ready to order when we were seated and handed kids' menus. "I'll get crayons for the kids," the waitress said, and that was the last we saw of her for another 7 or 8 minutes. We picked up Katrina, told the boys to get their jackets, and walked out.

Incredibly, across the street there was another open restaurant, where we were greeted, seated, orders taken and served in about 10 minutes.

We all fell asleep on the drive home (thank goodness because Katrina was one nonstop tantrum during and after dinner), and despite the ridiculous delay with dinner, were home by 11:30pm.

I couldn't sleep though. I was too excited, and slightly bothered, by a few things about our trip.

Reflections Section

In sum: I really liked Sierra-at-Tahoe for us, but I had some issues with the ski school.

On the 2nd day, Katrina had gotten to ride the chair lift and go down the bunny slope 3 times, with lots of help of course. She loved it and was so excited to do this again on the 3rd. But the 3rd day was more crowded, and she was put in a group with other 3-year-olds who just weren't ready for the chair, so she didn't get to go. What a missed opportunity. The whole reason to have 3 days in a row is to improve and build on what you learned the day before!

Seeing Gabriel zoom down Hemlock made me realize: what on earth were Gabriel and Julian doing in the same lesson at all, ever? The first day they were together all day, and the second day they were only separated because of Julian's ankle injury, and that's when Gabriel was able to take his first blues. Take a look at the videos of them -- do these two belong in the same lesson?? How could either of them get much out of a class they're in together?

In fact, on the 3rd day, Julian was demoted and spent his day on the bunny hill, after having held back his group for 2 days. He was in over his head that first day, and should have spent it on the bunny hill, then moved on to the long green later, instead of the other way around. Instead, he was intimidated and it set him back. He missed out on the most.

I can see that this misgrouping is a natural fallout from the way this -- and most -- ski schools are run. With walk-ins, you can't predict well how many kids at what levels will show up, so the group makeup depends on who shows up. That's understandable, but they didn't handle well what happens if not enough kids show up within a level.

From now on I'll ask every ski school how they'd handle an anomalous case like if one first-time skiier, one squarely blue skiier, and one double-black-diamond skiier showed up. That's tough for any school, but if they say "oh we'd put them together, the instructors can handle it," that's a flag.

Ironically, my concern about the larger classes was misplaced: the larger classes meant less of a spread of ability within a class, and enabled the class to move within that level. 3 mismatched skiiers is worse than 5 well-matched skiiers. (Many kids take snowboard lessons, further decreasing the pool of kid-skiiers.)

Sugarbowl has an unusual reservation-only system, so they can guarantee the small class, but more importantly, they can plan instructors for the number of levels, as well as the number of kids. If only one kid who can do blues shows up, then that kid essentially gets a private lesson.

Sugarbowl's method also allows for better continuity -- if they know one kid will be there for 3 days, they can plan (though don't always) for the same instructor. If Katrina had graduated to the chair lift on the 2nd day at Sugarbowl, she certainly would have gone on it again on the 3rd.

Julian benefitted tremendously from having the same instructor 3 days in a row at Sugarbowl -- and no Gabriel hot on the instructor's heels. To be fair, Gabriel and Julian were also separated by age last time; this time they were both in the "7-12" age group that all places have. But if we'd gone to Sierra last year, Julian and Katrina would have been in the same age group "3-6" and that wouldn't have worked either.

Sugarbowl also has a much more efficient rental and check-in system, so they don't have to allow these ridiculous gaps of time for everyone to wait on long lines. That late start time was a real pain, every parent I talked to complained about it. But with their tiny kids' rental hut and check-in office, that time is needed.

As much as I've focused on Gabriel not getting enough, he's going to advance and learn with only the slightest provocation. It's really Julian and Katrina who needed the super-special attention that we'd gotten spoiled with at Sugarbowl. Julian needs it for timidness (not all kids are "fearless"), and Katrina needs it for age. To my amazement and delight, she's all over skiing. I should start taking bets for how long it'll be before she outskis me. I give it 2 years, 3 tops.

This would be a good time to point out that Sugarbowl's ski school also costs twice as much.

But now for the flip side. For me and Dave, Sierra was much better. It has more green runs than just about anywhere, with good fast lifts even on the most crowded bunny slope. Getting to the various lifts was easier; seemed we did a lot more schlepping between lifts at Sugarbowl. I was quite entertained on the long, pretty greens, and more than challenged by the numerous blues that run off them. Dave and I could ski together for part of the day, and even unwittingly explored some new greens together, one that was unusually clean of the scourge of snowboarders. (Dave wasn't crazy about the narrow runs, but I love them the best.)

I also got much more out of the lessons at Sierra (day #3 guy notwithstanding): the small group size, the longer duration (2-1/2 hrs), longer runs meaning fewer interruptions for lifts. And they were run better, ironically. They had everyone do a test-ski to place us into groups; Sugarbowl took our word for it too much and one of my lessons got held up by a guy who tried to walk down the slope after discovering he couldn't ski it. Of course, testing everyone is a lot easier with only 15 non-first-timers instead of 50, and when your crowded bunny hill has a fast lift.

And the food was a lot better at Sierra! I really liked the BBQ place at the top. And the complimentary slipper and boot-warming service!

To be fair, we didn't give Sugarbowl a complete chance; there's a whole other side to it that we never got to. But overall I really liked Sierra-at-Tahoe better, it was just prettier (when I wasn't target-fixated and blinded by fear that is) with better, longer runs, ice notwithstanding.

But right now, I think it's most important that the kids get up to speed. I'd hoped to take just the boys on one-day ski trips after this, but that won't work -- Julian just isn't there yet. Also, I'm not good enough to keep track of Gabriel. He's brave but inexperienced and I'd feel a lot better about seeing him plummet straight down blues if I could catch him quickly and head him off if needed. There's no way we can all 3 ski together yet.

This is an awesome dilemma to have, with so many excellent ski areas so close by. Still, given the importance of ski school quality, I'm not sure it's much of a dilemma: it's looking like Sugarbowl again in March!

1/22/2011

Boy Trouble

[ Documentation note: I'd originally written this in the above text, but it's not really about skiing. Still, it is part of the whole family experience, so I'll keep it here. ]

Though our ski trip overall went really well, we still had some kid trouble. Katrina again was awful in restaurants, and around mealtimes in general. But the boys really took the cake when we were trying to pack up to leave Saturday.

While packing up to leave, I had a horrible conflict with Gabriel, then Julian, both of whom were so hyped up they couldn't follow the most basic instructions. All I needed them to do was to change out of their snow clothes and into regular clothes, and they were completely ignoring me. I had to ask, repeat, threaten, shout. Then I actually had to undress them and set out their regular clothes, and still all they did was throw things and mess around.

When I came back upstairs once to investigate screeching and found Gabriel whipping Julian with his shirt, I lost it. I pinned him down to the ground, kneeled on his legs and held his hands back with one hand, and used my other hand to whack his underpants-covered rear end as hard as I could, as many times as I could. Incredibly, about 5 minutes later I had to do that again when he flatly refused to do something again.

Julian never needs a spanking that serious, but he earned his own too when he too refused to get dressed (we're 30 minutes now into the most simple of instructions) and started yelling and saying "I DON'T HAVE TO!"

I was frustrated to tears that a fun ski trip had to end this way. Though with older kids we're long past most of the "positive parenting" advice, I still instinctively refer to it in my head, almost as a checklist to confirm to myself that there's nothing else I can do. It never really applied when a parent just needs to dictate something for kids to do, and done in a timely way. Sometimes that's just the reality of childhood and life: you just have to cooperate. There's no finding another way to put it, no charts or stickers, no phrasing it positively, no ignoring. Changing your clothes is a pretty low bar.

My real aggravation was directed at myself, from lacking the additional energy to get them to put away their own snow gear into their own bags. What am I, their valet? Why should it be such a fight to get them to help? Instead, I chose to seethe inside while catering to my spoiled children, and put away their snow clothes rather than take on a major ugly fight again.

At least the very un-positive physical "communication" did break the boys out of their mess-around mode and actually calmed them down. I really, really, really wish there were other ways to do that.

Meantime, Katrina was downstairs on a couch hugging a stuffed animal, having peacefully changed out of her wet snow clothes and submitted to a quick bath. Positive parenting would point to her as an example of a successful method. I'd say it's just a child who likes to change her clothes.

1/21/2011 2nd Ski day: Sun, sun, go away!

I never thought in a million years I'd ever say this, but, it's TOO WARM!

Even starting out this morning on our 2nd ski day, there were wafts of beautiful spring breezes, carrying sunshine and warmth on them. No! It's supposed to be winter!. Though it sure is nice not to be absolutely freezing, it also makes for crusty icy conditions in some places, and heavy wet slushy in other places. And we get hot and sweaty skiing -- I'd never have believed that!

To my surprise, it turned out just fine anyway, and we all had a great ski day -- even if not all of us knew it.

This morning we had far fewer logistics to deal with, so we all had some time on the bunny slope to warm up. It was freshly groomed, but crusty and hard-packed, the "polar" opposite of the fluffy stuff we had last March.

Gabriel (green jacket) and Julian (blue jacket) in typical form (zoom, boom).


(Most people here call it "icy" but most people here haven't skiied in Vermont either. It's nothing like the sheer sheets of clear exposed ice that permanently ingrained PTSD for me from my few experiences as a teenager.)

This didn't slow Gabriel down at all on his warmup run. You can see we were among the first on the slope today, since the grooming lines are almost untouched.


The hard crusty stuff definitely affected Julian, who didn't want to go fast, but didn't want to turn either. This is kind of a problem for a nervous beginner.


But he still tried on his own, he didn't expect me to hand-hold or anything. Good for him!


This bunny slope also has a beginner "terrain park," which I learned later are all over this ski area. Gabriel was very anxious to try it, and took a big spill his first time. Naturally this didn't intimidate him out of trying it again.




This is a rare moment: four of us! (Katrina was already at her ski school -- thank heavens the 6-and-under set can be dropped off right away.)


After some warmup practice, we dropped the boys off at 9:45 and went to the group lesson area. Unlike at Sugarbowl, all adult ski lessoners are taken to the top of the bunny slope and evaluated one at a time, no matter what they say about their ability. Also unlike our Sugarbowl experience, there were far far fewer skiiers and no group ended up being larger than 4 students. And especially unlike our Sugarbowl experience, I ended up in the most advanced group, because there weren't any black-diamond groups at all. The super-duper never-done-it-before beginner classes, however, were packed.

I had an awesome lesson. I mean, really, really great. A very technical instructor who did a lot of exercises with us, which completely appeals to the technical, literal, pick-it-apart, unintuitive way I learn. We crossed the slope balancing only on one leg, we skiied turns with legs lifted, we held our poles like they were swords and tried to draw circles as we were turning, we were told to imagine tattoos on our inside thighs that we wanted to show off as a way to visualize leading with the inside leg on a turn. He was also a very funny guy and made all sorts of rancid jokes about those tattoos on inner thighs. Definitely an "adult" class.

He had us all thinking so hard about the exercises that we didn't notice we were skiing steep blue runs that normally would intimidate the heck out of all of us. My classmates -- a remarkably well-matched group of 2 women and 2 men -- all agreed with that assessment. Somehow we all did far far more than we thought we could, yet no one felt pushed or intimidated.

We also went to the "West Bowl" section that has a lot of shaded, tree-lined runs that I just love. The snow isn't as crusty -- in fact it was actual snow, the terrain varies a little more, and it's just so pretty. I really prefer this sort of run over the big wide exposed ones.

I felt like a completely different skiier after this lesson. I'm still a new intermediate skiier who needs a lot of sink-in time, but I've definitely turned a corner.

Dave's lesson was good too, though he was limited by a quirk in the way they run their lessons: he's at a beginning enough level that his classmates had bought the "beginner" package and had limited lift tickets, so this class couldn't go on the 2-1/2 mile green run as he had yesterday. Ironic that this place advertises this green run as a great way for beginners to practice, yet you have to buy the "intermediate" package to get the right lift ticket. Still, he got a lot out of his lesson, and by the end was learning parallel turns.

Dave and I had lunch at the top of the mountain, where we were treated to beautiful views of Lake Tahoe -- and complimentary boot-warmers and slippers!! I loved the break from tromping around in heavy ski boots. And this view of Lake Tahoe is unbelievable.



You could also see the lake from the lift.


The views from here I won't be seeing for a long time (note the black diamond signs).


Many people were eating out on the sun deck, it was so warm. Dave and I had stashed most of our cold-weather stuff, though I stopped short of losing my jacket. I had been concerned my jacket wouldn't be warm enough, but today I regretted that it doesn't have "pit zips" to let some air in. People were out there in T-shirts!

We don't have a lot of time after lunch before we have to pick up the kids at 3:30, but we did do some skiing together. We explored a green run called "Wagon Trail" that ran down the back side, and was amazingly deserted. Other runs are packed with zooming snowboarders, but we barely saw anyone. It was narrow with dropoffs and varied a lot -- reminding me a lot of wonderful dirt roads we used to ride on motorcycles in the Sierras. I loved this run, and thought Gabriel would too.

Dave had a harder time with the narrowness -- we new skiiers need width to turn to control our speed! And he's never liked dropoffs, which as a motorcyclist never bothered me much. This run varied enough to have some short steep cambered curved sections that intimidated him, but he made it down safely, if not overjoyed about it.


This run takes you to an ancient 2-person lift that carried us over an advanced terrain park, with people doing flips and turns in the air. COOL!! I loved it. I'd love to do that if I could ever get to that skill level -- even if I would be 30 years older than everyone else there. I was impressed to see some really good girls there too.

I asked Dave to take video of me on the same run he had yesterday, to exercise my new skill. But -- this is a tough blue run, and it has all the elements I don't like: it's exposed, it doesn't vary much, it's icy and hard-packed and really isn't very pretty. My lesson this morning finished here, and we all agreed it was the hardest run we'd done, even though our instructor breezed down it and said that ice was better than slush.

So of course I had to do it again today, because chickening out bothers me more than the discomfort of being scared. And I thought I'd see a huge improvement over yesterday.


Nope. Just as ugly and slow, though I did have more fun this time, and a huge gloating sense of satisfaction when I knew I was home free. Take that, fear! Nyah! For this moment, I'm bigger than you!

(I couldn't persuade Dave to move to a better video vantage point -- maybe tomorrow.)

I went to pick up Gabriel a little early, to take him on Wagon Trail, but his lesson wasn't back yet. This gave me a chance to chat with Katrina's teacher, where I learned some wonderful news: Katrina went on the "Easy Rider" chair lift today, and down the bunny slope on skis 3 times!!!!! I was hoping she'd make it to the "magic carpet" once, but she went well beyond that!

Her teacher (different from yesterday) said she wasn't afraid, she was really excited about the lift and skiing, she loved the wind on her face, and the only thing that held her back was the 3-year-old in her class in the first half of the day. After that, all she wanted to do was ski! AWESOME!!! Of course she has no idea how to stop or anything, so completely needs an instructor with her at all times (not a wobbly intermediate-level parent), but she's well on her way!

Julian and Gabriel's class arrived, where I got the lowdown on them. They had been in the same class at first, but things shifted around a lot. Julian fell hard once and hurt his ankle, which we learned during the course of the evening was a much bigger deal than we first realized. He was crying (he complains a lot but generally doesn't cry unless he really means it) and seemed unable to stand at first. Ski Patrol arrived with a toboggan, but by then he'd shaken it off enough to ski back to the lodge, where they iced it and he hung out until almost the end of the day, except for one last run. So he was OK, but missed a lot.

This incident and other things forcibly put Gabriel in a different class, and he tackled some blue runs today.

It's hard to tell, but my feeling is that the most accessible blue runs that come off the green runs at Sierra-at-Tahoe are harder than those at Sugarbowl. Gabriel had been anxious to try harder slopes, but he didn't have much good to say about his blue experience today. He fell a lot, the icy-ish conditions threw him off, and he felt he didn't have much control. His instructor said otherwise: he's a natural, he has a lot of confidence, he totally goes for it with everything, and is "good to go" on blues now.

I took Gabriel on one last run, and suggested we try some of those blue runs he'd done in his lesson, but he had no interest. He wanted to do "Sugar'n'Spice," the 2-1/2 mile green run where he was comfortable. I couldn't talk him out of it, but that's what he wanted to do, so, OK! But in return, Mom gets a picture at the top!


He was either tired or rattled by his blue experience, since he didn't ski as fast or crazy as usual.


With my new skill and on this easy run I had no trouble passing him or catching him -- though on the very steepest sections he still doesn't slow down and I do. I'll get over that.

Despite the absurdly warm weather and the resulting unideal snow conditions, it was really a great day. Dave felt uncomfortable in the afternoon, though he's really doing just fine -- learning at an even pace and having the expected ups and downs. I told him that's how I felt learning motorcycling -- it was more fear than fun in the beginning.

Skiing is all about lack of traction and occasionally injecting a little here and there; whereas dirt motorcycling is about managing the gobs of traction you do have and releasing a little here and there. So this is all upside-down to him. But even if he's on an uncomfortably steep part of his learning curve, he's learning every hour he's out there. I'm really proud of him for keeping at it; it's not easy to leave your comfort zone.

This definitely wasn't Julian's best day either, and I think he of all the kids is suffering the most from this style of ski school -- which is typical and and just fine, but he did a lot better with Sugarbowl's defined, consistent small classes (no shifting around or being put with a brother who's much better than you).

Gabriel was taken down a necessary peg or two, which tells me he learned a lot, and in areas he needed to learn (such as, you do need to turn and stop). But I doubt this will dampen him much tomorrow. And Katrina and I are raring to go and ready for more!!

I just hope it's colder tomorrow!!

1/21/2011

1/20/2011 1st Ski Day: Logistics

Phew! We made it!

I never fail to be impressed with how difficult logistics of skiing are -- and I have a talent for attracting fiascos -- but we're knocking off the big ones.

I used my individual tote-bag method again for everyone's gear -- with a checkoff list this time. And this time, no one was missing anything.


Our place was adorable, spacious and really quite perfect.



With plenty of friends for Katrina. (The boys were forbidden to touch the animals after I found Gabriel whirling one from its arm to whack Julian.)



This particular ski resort complicated planning, with being difficult to reach and having a lousy Web site. Other little things took me by surprise, such as kids' ski school rental equipment either has to be re-rented every day, or brought home. Another surprise was that helmets were not included in the rental package, so I had to go back and wait on another line to get a sticker to rent the helmets.

But by far the biggest irritation is that the older kids' ski school lesson doesn't start until 10am. We were the first there when they opened at 8:30am, having been admonished to check in early so as not to lose our reservation, but they didn't tell us that once we had the kids checked in and geared up, we'd have to wait around with them until 9:45. And we needed that time to get Dave's rentals and our lift tickets so that Dave and I could safely make 10:15am lessons.

Which Dave did, and I sort-of didn't. Thanks to getting my borrowed ski's bindings adjusted, I was late for the 10:15am lesson and had to join it on their second triage run, in which they sort out your skill level. There were two groups, one of which Dave was in, so I figured I probably belonged in the other one.

The headaches mostly ended there. The snow conditions weren't great -- it was too warm, so icy in the morning and wet and heavy in the afternoon -- but part of learning is learning in all conditions. The un-ideal conditions combined with the weekday meant that Dave only had 1 other person in his lesson, and there were only 2 others in mine!!! That was great!!!

It was great to start working on things I'd learned before and adding new things. My instructor took us on what looked to me like far, far too steep a slope for me, but calmly advised us how to tackle what looks too steep. I had a lot of trouble my first time down, but the next time I went down without stopping and with a lot less fear. Progress!

That's the ugliest view at Sierra-at-Tahoe. This slope, Lower Main, would become my nemesis. I think I was more scared every time I skiied it (psych!).

After my lesson, I ran into the boys' class and rode the lift up with Gabriel, then forewent lunch to take some pictures.


This was at the top of Sugar'n'Spice, the 2.5-mile green run that brought us here.


I felt a little bad that Gabriel complained about the morning; he'd been put on the "magic carpet" as all kids are at first, to see how they ski. Despite my admonitions not to, they still put Gabriel and Julian in the same class, mostly because there weren't that many kids, and Gabriel wasn't advanced enough to join another group.

I could see that Gabriel was raring to go, he wanted to really ski, but Julian held the class back. Julian was doing fine, but he's younger and not as confident and really didn't belong in the same class.







The teacher said later that Gabriel had started doing parallel turns on his own and had advanced a level. I decided to talk to them tomorrow and "Mama Bear" a little, to put Gabriel in a more advanced class. Even if he's the worst skiier in the group and has to face much harder slopes than he's ever done, this is one kid I don't worry about being fearful or intimidated. Julian...no need to push.

Katrina was perhaps the biggest surprise. She did "pizza" wedges on her skis, didn't want to hold onto a bar that helps the little kids, and did everything willingly. Her coach was surprised at my surprise, and I explained that she usually resists new things on principle, and has never exhibited much natural athletic talent. But she was one of the best in her class and had a great time!

I mostly had Dave in mind when I picked this resort for its long green run from the top. And indeed, he got a lot of necessary practice. With motorcycling, he learned slowly and steadily and safely, and eventually became one of the most consistent and reliable riders in a group for tough terrain. He describes his learning need as "saturation," so being able to spend 20 minutes skiing instead of 20 minutes waiting on a lift line and skiing 2 minutes (as was the case at Sugarbowl) perfectly meets our objectives.

I took this video to show him how he skis, but it's pretty funny because of the little kid who blows by both of us.


Toward the end of our run, we were running out of time to go pick up the kids, so I decided to tackle Lower Main again, the (for me) tough blue run I'd done in my lesson. I handed the camera to Dave for the top part of it, and I'm shocked at what it looks like. At the time, I felt like I was barely in control, doing everything I could to keep my speed in check and practically panicking before each turn. Yet the video makes that slope look SOOO easy and I look like I'm going SOOO slowly and my technique is terrible. And I thought I was skiing way better than that -- bleh! Nothing like a little video reality check!


Clearly it will be a long, long time before I can tackle moguls. The lifts went over some today, and that sort of technical terrain has me piqued. I've never been a speed demon, I like the mental stuff. Though, seeing a snowboarder tumbling down today, head over heels, completely out of control, stuff flying everywhere, headed for a massive pole was very very sobering (by luck he missed the pole and a drift slowed him down, he was OK).

We're all very tired and ready for day two!

1/20/2011

1/18/11 Last day!

It was hard not to have senioritis at work today, though I was very busy -- a good thing. Still, though I'm feeling increasing pressure to complete several tasks, I did think a few times, "hey at the end of the day, I'm DONE for a few days -- yippeee!"

Tonight all I've done is make lists of to-dos, making tomorrow especially busy. Someday we'll have this snow trip thing down to a science, but right now it's in the early stages of art -- that splattery random messy kind of art. Especially with my unequaled prediliction for logistical fiascos.

Everyone's very excited, though I'm concerned about Katrina's cough. Let's hear it for kids healing fast!

1/18/11

1/17/2011 Home sick

I stayed home from work today, due to nighttime coughing and the resulting sleep deprivation. As coughs go, this is trivial, but it's still an annoying lingering cough. And now Katrina has a cough too.

We all better be perfect by Wednesday!

Our ski trip comes during the last weekend we have for a book report of Gabriel's, so I've had him work on it two days now. This one is a sports book report, and he picked bobsledding. The writing is the easy part (to get him to do, mostly, though he does complain and resist a lot), but this report also includes a crafting project. D-R-A-G. Maybe I'll just do as others do and just do it for him.

I saw my doctor today to get some industrial-strength cough medicine, and he admonished me again for taking on "too much." I told him the #1 thing I want to drop from my life is the craft projects our school makes parents do. He actually offered to write a "doctor's note" to get me out of it, because of the stress it places on the family. Wow, getting out of schoolwork with a doctor's note -- I felt like a kid again! (I graciously declined; this is something we have to deal with as ...well, grownups. Ew.)

1/17/2011

1/16/2010 Sniffle, sneeze

I never get head colds! But I have one now. What a drag. I don't recommend chest colds either -- which history would indicate this will become -- but the nonstop nose-blowing and frequent sneezing is NO FUN.

Another problem is stomach pain, and it's hard to tell if it's related or not. It was bothering me enough to motivate me to go out for a short run, which is often the only relief. It didn't help the stomach, but it did lift the spirit -- it was a beautiful, warm, almost balmy day.

Still, I had a hard time appreciating the nice weather. It's January for Pete's sake. It's supposed to be cold(-ish) now. And since we're driving up to the snow in 3 days, it BETTER be cold!

Gabriel is so excited that he packed all his clothes tonight. I can't wait either!

1/16/2010

1/15/2010 Skate, Kung Fu, Soccer

A threefer! I took Katrina to her first skating lesson today, then Julian to Kung Fu, then Gabriel to sign up for spring soccer. He didn't get to play soccer, but it would have to do.

I only got photos of the skating class. Katrina was very very excited! (If not all that color-matched.)


I was prepared for the usual disorganization of classes at this rink, and was not disappointed. I thought at first it might be better when an instructor called out "Snowballs! Come here!" ("Snowball" is the 3-4 class).

But "Snowballs" can be pretty experienced, or completely brand-new as Katrina is. The instructor had to call for help from other instructors, who then told a group of kids, including Katrina, to start "march march" to the center. But a brand-new wall-hugger like Katrina can't do that yet.

Before I was able to push my way to the front of the crowd to intervene, the first instructor suggested they separate the brand-new kids from those who've taken a session or two. Geeee, ya think?? What is this, the first time you've run this class?

So Katrina got some help to the middle, and then they brought out the chairs.



To my relief, they didn't spend much time in the chairs, getting out of them to learn how to get up from all fours on the ice. I was very happy to see that Katrina could do this. She didn't need the chair to sort-of skate, actually.


It was still so chaotic that at one point, Katrina was off on her own, and then was whisked up by another teacher and stuck with the more advanced group. They were supposed to cross the ice to the wall, and Katrina tried carefully, but eventually did fall. Maybe after 8 classes she could, but that's a major delta in skill. She definitely didn't belong with this group.


The teacher of the brand-new group finally noticed her floundering on her own and put her back in the right group. Of the 15 kids in the brand-new group, about half still needed the chairs by the end, creating some roadblocks. I noticed that much of the time, Katrina was trying to skate and was stuck behind kids sitting in chairs, unable to get around.

This was a rare moment of freedom.


Despite all these challenges, Katrina seemed to enjoy and participate in the class. When the teacher asked the class to count, clap, or put their hands on their shoulders, she did it willingly. She paid close attention to the teacher and didn't seem at all rattled by all the setbacks that were increasingly irritating me. Some kids were crying or refusing to get out of the chairs, but despite never quite knowing what to do, being put in the wrong class, not being able to get through the crowd, she took it all really well.


One parent summoned one of the super-busy instructors, and I figured there must be something pretty urgent with her kid. Instead, the mother asked the instructor to make sure her son's legs were straight, so that he didn't injure his ankles. Good grief! Many other parents actively waved from the sidelines to get their childs' attention. Nothing like turning around or looking up suddenly to say hi to Mom when you're brand-new on ice skates.

When class was over, it was a mob scene. I was standing on a bench to get this photo, and since Katrina was one of the last off the ice, I had the luxury of waiting until this cleared a little. But it didn't. It was really, really hard to work her through the crowd to the benches to de-skate her.


I really, really wish there were a closer skating rink that had some semblance of knowing how to run a business. How about online registration, instead of forcing parents to cram into a tiny retail store and compete with people buying things for the fleeting attention of the teenagers running it in order to sign up for a class? How about some barriers to separate getting-on-ice from getting-off-ice traffic? How about some signs telling parents where each class is?

I'm very torn, I'm not sure we'll continue next week. The only good thing I have to say is that Katrina was very excited, she was pretty resilient about an overall crummy situation, and she did learn to get up herself if she falls.

On the way back from skating, on impulse, I put her in Julian's booster seat. I was surprised -- she fits really well!


After skating, I took the boys to their respective activities. Julian at first said he didn't want to go to kung fu today, but he had a good time. They're working on cartwheels! This is a rare chance for me to impress my son, since I can still do cartwheels. I promised him we'd practice cartwheels tomorrow.

Spring soccer for Gabriel will be tough -- two practices a week, and they could start as early as 3:30 in the afternoon. The soccer league tries to group teams by school and organize carpools, which could help with that. They also request that every parent volunteer for some position; this will be exceptionally tough for me. But I want to find a way of making this happen.

I spent the rest of the day resting and watching travel shows on PBS (I want to go to Berlin now!). I have a rare head cold and a lot of fatigue, and I'm just waiting for the cold to travel down to its usual resting spot, deep in my chest. What a waste of an afternoon, I have SO much to do! But at least everyone else got something.

1/15/2010

1/14/2011 School office

Today was a real mind-blower.

We had an early meeting with every teacher Gabriel's had (kinder, 1st, 2nd+3rd), Julian's teacher and the principal. This was a "Student Success Team" meeting to review Gabriel's strengths and weaknesses and discuss strategies to increase his "success." This was originally conceived to address behavior issues, but his behavior has overall been better recently, so we also talked about his so-so school performance.

Perhaps the most striking thing was Gabriel's teacher telling us that in visits by the school speech therapist and psychologist for other kids in her class, they also noticed Gabriel. His humming attracted the attention of the psychologist, and the speech therapist noted issues in "social pragmatics." That's a new term to me, but it's related to his not responding in conversation to feedback from whoever he's talking to. Or he'll do something to another kid that is playfully obnoxious and not stop when all social indicators are to stop.

Transitions are always an issue; once he gets focused on something it's hard to redirect him. He also assumes he understands everything, so doesn't listen to the teacher and sometimes misses important instructions.

He also doesn't seem to have many specific friends -- there's always Parth, but Parth always seeks Gabriel out. Gabriel joins groups if there's an activity he wants to do, but not just to hang out. And, all his teachers noted, he's never seemed concerned about having or not having friends. It's not clear if this is a problem or not.

( Meantime, tonight, Mr. Super-Uber Tough Cookie bawled his eyes out for over an hour when he thought a balloon he's been playing with all day had been popped. A balloon. )

A strength that Gabriel's teacher brought up is athleticism. She said he's really good in P.E. and is the fastest kid in the class. I was really surprised, actually. I know he's strong and agile, but I thought that's just how 9-year-old boys are. This is what spurred me to sign him up for soccer, which he was very happy about.

The principal added politely that he'd met Gabriel, and I sheepishly said, "yes, in the 4th week of school he was sent to your office." I added, "Let me guess, he wasn't intimidated by authority?" The principal answered apologetically, "well, no..." while all the teachers in the room who do know him cracked up.

In a different time or place, he'd just be an ordinary troublemaker. But it was useful for us, and everyone else, to confirm things like his athletic strength, or that his music teachers have noticed him (apparently a new teacher played what she said was a note C, and Gabriel raised his hand and said, "no, that's a C-sharp," and he was right), or how consistently difficult it is to guide him. Even the principal said, "It doesn't seem like any of the usual measures work with him." Indeed. The hallmark of living with Gabriel.

The outcome of our meeting was to bring all this information to the school psychologist and meet with her. The principal even asked if he's in counseling or therapy, which it sounded like he needs to be, but I'm still not exactly sure for what, or how to tell when he's "better."

We left 20 minutes before the school office opened for kindergarten registration packet pickup. A big day! I asked if by any chance I could pick up our kindergarten packet now, since I was already in the office, so I didn't have to miss more work to come back. The district has a "sibling priority" policy this year, so I'm not really cutting line. "Absolutely not," said the school admin, overriding the principal, "That wouldn't be fair to the people who've been waiting."

And indeed, this was the line at 7:40 when we arrived for our meeting that morning. The admin said this line started forming at 9pm last night.


But if we already have priority because of siblings in the school, it's not unfair to those waiting either -- we're drawn from a different pool anyway. "Fine, then give us a high-numbered packet," Dave said. But she was adament: "No, they're numbered, I can only give them out in order, and not until 9am."

Later we heard that there were parents who already have kids in our school on that long line, under the impression that our school was not adhering to the new "sibling priority" policy. Dave called the district to complain, and they called our school to straighten out the administrator, who then took me aside when she noticed me picking up our kindergarten stuff at 10:30 (no line!). She insisted defensively that she was following the protocol, but I wasn't able to persuade her that "you must wait in line to get your priority number" contradicts "sibling priority."

What an astounding hassle. It overshadowed our most remarkable experience of being in a room with every teacher Gabriel has ever had, and realizing that most parents never need to do that, and that our son is something of a special case. For the most part, our experience with him is normal (not including those extraordinarily difficult toddler years), despite some extremes (impossible conflicts, playing with electronics for hours on end). It's hard to know if we're in denial or if we're just among such a well-behaved demographic that Gabriel stands out. Gabriel's teacher kindly assuaged my working-parent guilt that lack of time together contributes to his issues, but she said laughing, "No, you really do have a difficult one!" That made me feel better.

I was glad Julian's teacher was there. She was there as a note-taker, but I think all this gave her a really really good picture of Julian's life. She already knew that Julian's older brother was a big presence and huge influence, but hearing about him from all his teachers formed a complete picture. I do try for Julian not to be lost in the fray, so I was glad his teacher heard first-hand what he's up against.

Everyone agreed that next year, the boys' classrooms should be as far apart as possible. I'm confident the principal will think carefully about which teacher will best suit Gabriel for 4th grade, when class size jumps to 30. And while they may all dread another Doudna child at this school, I'm looking forward to some redemption when Katrina starts kindergarten!

1/14/2011

1/14/2011 Soap!

It's been an eventful day in many ways, so this is hardly the biggest event, but, it's the most immediate.

The boys and Dave and I were wrapping up dinner, chatting about what to do for Gabriel's birthday party. Katrina had excused herself and gone upstairs about 10 minutes before.

Suddenly we heard a screeching wail from upstairs. Katrina was screaming crying about something, and kept doing it. It was an alarming sound, and kept escalating. Dave and I rushed upstairs, with the boys close on our heels.

And there was Katrina in the bath, surrounded by bubbles and with the water running over her head, screeching. She'd gotten undressed and started her own bath, and then took the kid-safe shampoo and dumped it on her head and attempted to wash her hair! But she put far too much shampoo on, and enough of it got in her eyes that she panicked and started screaming.

Usually when she goes upstairs she just plays around, so we had no idea she'd taken it upon herself to start her own bath -- with disastrous consequences! As I type, she's still crying on and off. I have to give her credit for independence though!

1/14/2011

1/13/2011 Hard work

Whew -- I worked late tonight, I'm feeling a cold coming on (which always travels down into my lungs), and we have a 7:45 meeting with the principal of the school tomorrow. Good night!

1/12/11 CCC!

Coffee, Cheesecake, Chatter! I love every other Wednesday night.

1/12/11

1/11/11 Extra work

Discussion continued on at work today about the controversial article Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior. The vast majority of people I work with were raised within some form of the author's philosophy, so it makes for very interesting discussion.

It occurred to me in discussion that I'm one of the very very few engineers at work who doesn't speak another language fluently (I can only think of one other). Most are foreign-born, including one of the 3 other Caucasians. At least 3 coworkers I know of had arranged marriages (all men), probably more. Other coworkers escaped arranged marriages only by one generation. So, many things that seem foreign or outdated to most Americans are very familiar to the vast majority of people I am surrounded by every day.

Anyway, overall, feelings are very very negative about Amy Chua's harsh style -- no one liked it, but most Asian-raised coworkers relate to it. An interesting comment on the online WSJ version of the article said that Chinese kids complain privately about their parents as they're being raised, but then go and raise their own kids the same way.

My Korean coworker astutely observed that this is probably why me and my (rare) American-raised coworker have a harder time with our Middle-Eastern-raised authoritative management. It also made me realize just what Dave and I are up against when we complain to our school about too much work. Crafting a Heritage Doll is in the noise to the Indian and Asian-raised parents. (That said, the school itself promotes a "positive" philosophy about incenting kids to behave, which ironically rankles us.)

So much is wrong to me with Chua's child-raising philosophy that it's barely worth enumerating. I see no benefit to insulting or berating children, even if they know they're loved; nor to them having no social life, choices, or fun of their choosing. I see great harm and countless missed opportunities in choosing their activities for them or forbidding unstructured time. While I'm inclined, to some extent, to agree that Western parents fret too much about their children's self-esteem or a close relationship, I think children having warm childhood memories isn't just about parental ego: it's important to the children through their adulthood too. And I see no reason to sacrifice that for "achievement," whatever that is.

In fact, it was amusing talking today about my lax high-school education, the freedom I had and abused, and how I regretted later that no one had the time to participate more in my schooling. What a drastic difference from my Asian-raised coworkers -- my Korean coworker had to stay at school until 10pm and only got 1 week off for summer "vacation" -- yet here we are in the same sorts of jobs. (However I must clarify that she is far, far more qualified, experienced, capable and educated than I am!!) Somehow we all got there, but with very very different routes. I don't recommend either.

What possible detriment to "achievement" do happy warm fun silly childlike experiences present? Those moments are irreplaceable -- not even by performing at Carnegie Hall. I want my children have warm fond memories of their childhood, and of me, for their sake -- even if those memories have to bubble through additional memories of me insisting they do extra work to make up for sloppiness.

And that started today. I decided Gabriel had to do the practice sheet that is always stapled to his math tests, thinking about my Chinese coworker's comment that sloppiness usually indicates a need for more practice. In fact, I felt newly silly -- why haven't we insisted on this every week?

Then Julian announced loudly and rudely that he'd done enough homework yesterday and didn't need to do any more tonight. I decided on a new rule on the spot: as long as he has homework to finish, he had to do it, even if it is only Tuesday.

After my horrendous conflict with Gabriel last night (aren't kids supposed to cry when their mean nasty mother puts them on the porch in only thin pajamas in 44-degree weather??!?), Julian was no match for me. I insisted -- channeling Amy Chua again -- that he go upstairs and finish his homework. This isn't just philosophy; in practice he leaves the time-consuming parts for Thursday nights, and we end up having a big struggle that night. No more.

Then, at 6:15pm, it struck me. Julian was upstairs working on finishing his homework. Gabriel was, without argument, working on his practice sheet. Katrina was shouting songs to herself in her room. It was more peaceful than it's been at homework time in weeks. I know this magic won't last, but I relished the moment anyway. Could this be a direct result of my new inspiration?

Probably. In fact, Gabriel wasn't working on his work that peacefully at first -- this is Gabriel after all. He'd said he wasn't going to finish his math homework, and threatened to tear it up. Amy Chua's daughter tore up a music score that she resisted working on, then her mother taped it back together and laminated it so that she couldn't tear it up again, and insisted again that she sit down to the piano and work on it. Wow. Major.

So if Mrs-Extreme could go that far, I could at least take a first step. And I did. I told Gabriel if he tore up his math homework, I'd tape it together, laminate it, and he'd still have to do it. Incredibly, Uber Tough Cookie backed down and finished his homework. I'd started forming a plan in my head to run to Michael's to get a laminating machine -- that thought must have come through in my voice when I told him he had to finish.

I definitely don't want any readers to think I condone Amy Chua's methods or conclusions. I have a much broader view of "success" in life, and have never believed it could be measured with academic achievement alone. And if I'd never had a Gabriel, I'd probably be a complete Positive-Parenting advocate and would write Amy Chua off as a nut case. But in many ways, "positive parenting" failed me with my extra-tough kid, and I do draw inspiration from someone willing to stand up to extreme child resistance, even if she created it herself with, in my opinion, unreasonable and destructive demands.

I want to do better than her (I can't wait to see the memorial book written by her kids) -- I want my boys to love me and take happy funny memories of ski trips and camping and air shows with Mom to their graves. I want them to leave home truly ready to face the world on their own, with confidence and independence and resilience and social skills and athletic skills and an open mind.

And some part of that needs to be because of Mom and Dad's insistence on their best work. Amy Chua would call that "believing" in them. I would agree with that to a limited extent, but will set my expectations and "beliefs" more fairly and constructively, at least in my Inferior Western Mother view. I'm not going to turn into a parent with the same level of expectations she has, nor willing to make that level of scarifice (who has the time?!), but she does give me a much-needed poke to stand up to my resistant sons, and to the notion that the only approach is praise and encouragement and incentives to get kids to do their best.

Gabriel came home today with two perfect math practice tests, first time ever. He said, "I wrote it better only because you insisted."

1/11/11

1/10/11 Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

Yesterday this article in the Wall Street Journal (we're print subscribers) caught our attention, starting with the brash headline and the in-your-face expression of the author: Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.

Dave was mostly put off by the article, but I was very intrigued at the author's confidence and conviction and fortitude. She knows she'll be lambasted for her methods -- the story about berating her 7-year-old daughter and forcing her to work for days until she was able to master a piano piece is chilling -- yet she's unshakeable. Why can't I have that kind of self-assurance?

But the discussion of this article had even more impact on our boys. Gabriel in particular was horrified to hear that an A- grade was not accepted. "What if you just get something wrong?!" he asked. I took some sick pleasure in telling the boys that a Chinese mother would respond to their rudeness and saying No very very differently: "You'd be sleeping on the porch if you talked to a Chinese mother the way you talk to me!"

Today at work, I had a very interesting discussion with 2 coworkers and my manager, all of whom were raised in Asia (China, Korea and Singapore) by Asian parents. My closest coworker from Korea said she had to stay at school until 10pm. My manager said absolutely he was raised that way, but no one considered it cruel, it was just the way it was. He added that it depends on the kid; the article author is a little extreme, but certainly he and his wife have a much higher standard for their children than Western parents. He also pointed out that the suicide rate for Japanese and Korean teenagers is very high, and that many kids flounder in college when they're on their own for the first time. My two female coworkers said they don't want to raise their daughters that way at all; my manager has two sons (and a full-time mom wife who has the time to implement the tougher rules) and says they walk a cliff; they push their sons as far as possible without pushing them over the edge.

I have no interest in forcing the kids to play violin or forbidding playdates, but it did get me thinking about Gabriel's schoolwork. He had to take a math test again after the holidays, because he'd done so poorly on something of a mid-term exam before the holidays. His teacher explained that kids who'd gotten a 3 or less (out of 6) were re-tested, and that Gabriel knows the material but he can't read his own handwriting. When we talk to Gabriel about his sloppy homework and middling math grades, he retorts that it's stupid and he doesn't care.

Superior Chinese Mother never had a force like Gabriel to reckon with, but there's something to her conviction. Most of the discussion we have with Gabriel's teachers, school and CDC, surround a "positive" approach and rewarding him and giving him incentives. Some of that, especially regarding baseline cooperative behavior in school, has always made Dave and I uncomfortable -- why should he get a special reward just for meeting a basic expectation, like coming in to class after recess without causing trouble? And some of it just plain doesn't work -- there is no incentive to persuade him that he must take more care with his work.

I talked to my mother about this on the way back from work today, and she suggested getting a 5th-grader or someone to review his homework. This got me thinking. A hired tutor is more logistically possible and will have more authority over Gabriel (a 5th-grader has no prayer against Gabriel). But one way or another, we need more help.

While picking up the boys, I talked to the CDC director about the logistics of bringing a tutor in after school, and we'll talk to the principal about it Friday, at a meeting that's been scheduled for weeks to review his behavior issues. Ironically, his behavior at school and CDC has been much better in recent weeks, so our meeting Friday will refocus toward schoolwork.

I was inspired.

I told Gabriel on the way home tonight that sloppy work is no longer acceptable. I told him he now has to get at least a 5 out of 6 on his math tests, and that we will hire a tutor for him if he doesn't. I am serious. Superior Chinese Mother would say always a 6, but Inferior Western Mother has done little more than glance at his mistakes and tell him not to handicap himself with carelessnes. His firm "yeah this is stupid" attitude will only get entrenched if we don't tackle it head-on now. If he truly didn't have the aptitude for math, I'd approach this differently, but actually that would be an easier problem to address. Not giving a sh*t is a much harder one.

So boy, was he surprised tonight when Dave and I reviewed his homework line-by-line, and two past math tests. Dave made him redo every problem he got wrong, and explain his reasoning. As we expected, all his mistakes are because he's careless and sloppy and makes assumptions. One of my Chinese-raised coworkers said today that when a kid is sloppy, that means he needs more practice. She is absolutely right, and Gabriel is going to get that.

However, Superior Chinese Mother is a Yale Law professor, and probably didn't have the problem of an adorable 4-year-old girl completely distracting her sons when they get home and have to do their work. I wanted to review Gabriel's test when I got home, but realized I was already tracking very late for dinner and I had no choice but to set his work aside until Dave got home.

I asked myself briefly if I was overemphasizing homework -- the granola-y schools are nothing like that -- but no, Gabriel's awful attitude is a problem in class as well as at home. And it's only going to get worse as he gets older. His personality and will is much much too strong to let this go.

Just to give an example what we're up against: tonight after lights-out, Gabriel kept messing around and making noise, keeping Julian awake. Dave warned him, then started taking things away. Gabriel being Gabriel, this only caused escalation -- he was furious and started screaming at the top of his lungs. This gave Julian an excuse to get out of bed.

I went up to his room and without a word, took his wrist and led him outside, where I made him sit on the porch in his pajamas. That's a rule around here: screaming gets you sent outside. I had to do that last night too, and like tonight, it was cold, about 45 degrees. So much for that "and he never did it again...."

I left him outside for about 2 minutes, then opened the door and asked him, "Are you ready to be quiet now?" He was huddling on the bench, and had pulled his PJs down around his feet and hands. He glared at me and said through clenched teeth, "OF COURSE NOT." I closed the door without a word.

After another 2 minutes, I pulled him in and brought him upstairs. At his bedroom door, I motioned him to go in his room, and told him to go to bed without saying a word. He stood and stared at me, icicles shooting from his eyes. I lowered my face to his and said in the most menacing tone I have, "YOU GET IN THERE *NOW*." He stood his ground. I told him he'd spend a solid 5 minutes outside in the cold if he wasn't in bed by the count of 10. He didn't move.

Outside it was again. I put him on the porch (secretly relieved that he cooperated with this step) and went to my car. "Where are you going?" he demanded. I was just going into my car to check its outdoor temperature reading, but his question gave me an idea: driving away might freak him out more than anything. So I did. I started my car, and drove away. It was 44 degrees.

I drove around the block, about 2 minutes. To a Chinese mom, I was being too easy on him. To a Western mom, this is child abuse.

When I returned, I motioned him to go inside and told him to once again, go straight to bed without saying a word. "What, did you just drive around the block?" he demanded, not at all nonplussed. I led him all the way to his bed and told him to climb up right now.

And he resisted again. I told him taking him outside was taking up too much time, now I was just going to start spanking. He held his ground for a moment, then climbed up while still glaring at me in the eyes, then sat on the edge of the bed. I told him to get all the way up, he refused.

What would Superior Chinese Mom do? Climb up to a top bunk bed and chase a defiant almost 9-year-old on her hands and knees? Probably. I started to, but he rushed away, and I left quickly before he had a chance to escalate. He's really getting too old and too fast to be chasing.

Experience reminds me that this will all be forgotten tomorrow. But I'm not forgetting about coming down much harder on his schoolwork. I regretted for years that I didn't have more pushing when I was a scatterbrained boy-crazy teenager. My working mother didn't have the time, my divorced father didn't have the interest, and the post-hippie-era culture didn't support it. I struggled with feelings -- and grades -- of academic inferiority, and it wasn't until graduate school that I unlocked my door: I need a lot of repetition and practice for things to sink in. Not that I wish I'd been raised by Superior Chinese Mother, not by any means, but I would have benefitted greatly from more attention.

So I can thank Superior Chinese Mother for some very interesting discussions today, some feelings of superiority of my own, and new gumption to stand up to my iron-willed son. Maybe someday he'll thank her too.

1/10/2011

1/9/2011 The poignancy of children

I remember once being at an airport with my father. I can't imagine the occasion; I don't ever remember flying together when I was a kid. Maybe I was picking him up when he was visiting.

In any case, as we were waiting for baggage claim, he observed a young boy, probably about 4 years old, staring at the carousel. My father looked at him for a moment, and said with his characteristic observation of the ordinary, "Look at that poignant expression on that child's face."

I looked. "I don't know Dad, I think he's just spacing out." The kid looked pretty blank to me. But my father saw depth in his face.

People often cite how insightful children are in their innocence -- "out of the mouth of babes." And for certain, they are full of surprising comments, which can easily be taken for a refreshing, unadulterated view of the world.

But if you had any doubt as to the meaningfulness of vast majority of what goes through a child's mind, look no further than this gmail exchange between Gabriel to Julian.

Gabriel:
Hi, J-Fart. |
Guess what? V
J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk,
idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot,
moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%.
J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%.
J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%.
J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%.

Julian:
hi Gabriel.Guess what?You fart 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,888,888,888,888,888,888,888,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 times!!!!!!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!YOU JUST LEARNED YOUR ABCS!!!!!!!ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYandZ!!!!!!!

yYOu You look like a princess and you smell like some poo!!!!G=JERK!!!!!SUCKER!!!SUCKER!!!SUCKER!!!SUCKER!!!

Yeah, they're deep all right.

Julian is very excited about his new kids-cookbook from grandparents. Today we made "eggs in a frame" for his breakfast, substituting a heart-shaped cookie-cutter for an upside-down glass to cut out the bread. He loved it! He also got some real cooking experience: two burns. Not easy to handle a frying pan when you're so short.


Later we tried on some new snow stuff for Katrina. Her pink-flowered base layer, and another pair of snowpants, that are labeled size 3T but are longer than the 4T pair she wore tubing (and match the jacket)


Katrina was very thorough in testing out all her gear, so she was very overdressed for playing outside. "Mommy, take me to the snow!!"


Gabriel posted another Timmy The Total Jerk comic today, after spending a solid hour and a half re-drawing and tracing it to make it darker. Maybe his new comic-strip artist side will finally persuade him that legible handwriting has its place after all!

1/9/2011

1/8/2011 Silliness

Katrina loves these dress-up dresses from Cousin Remi! She puts them on over regular clothes (?!) and wears them all day.


She also loves chasing her brother around endlessly with her revived "Mimi." Katrina and Julian play like this together a lot. I'm sure it's a relief for Julian after the much rougher playing he does with Gabriel.


They sure do love each other.

1/8/2011

1/7/2011 The emailer and blogger

This morning, I happened to catch a glance of the latest paper Gabriel's been carrying around, pencil in hand. He does this a lot: finds some or other writing project, usually an electronics schematic, and carries the paper with him everywhere.

This morning I noticed it was a comic strip, and looked at it in a little more detail. I was taken aback -- it's really pretty cute! Dave reads the comics every day, so the kids are hooked on them too, and Gabriel has adopted many common comic methods and drawing styles. "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" likely provides inspiration too. This is an interesting, unexpected thing for my committed non-artist!

So I was telling Gabriel in the car on the way home that he should post a comic every day, like on a Web site...no wait, a blog. Hey, he should start a blog! This discussion led to Julian really, really, really wanting an email account. Well, why not?

So I told the boys that after they'd put their things away when we got home, that we'd start an email account for Julian, and a blog for Gabriel.

Julian was very, very motivated. He really wanted to do this. I noticed with bemusement that for Julian, it's about the communication and reaching out to people. For Gabriel, when we first set up his long-forgotten email, it was more about the technical: typing things in, clicking buttons, seeing things work.

So I helped Julian set up a gmail account (no mean feat these days; they're not intended for kids and I had to fudge his birthday, then gmail requires sending a text message with a confirmation number), and a list of contacts, and then I showed him how to send email. He giggled a lot at first, feeling on the spot with what to say, but he got over that fast, and then started pouring out the messages. I lost track of who he sent to, but he tried to send a message to every contact I set up for him. His big limitation is being a very very slow typist.

Then it was Gabriel's turn. Mostly, he wanted to show off his comic strip. So I helped him set up a simple blog, scanned his latest comic artwork, and talked him through his first post. He had a hard time thinking of a title and URL for his blog that wasn't taken, but Julian had a great idea: The Days of Gabe.

Our time at home on weekdays is very limited, so I doubt there will be much time for them to update blogs or check email -- they're still very very slow at it. And they have a 7:30 upstairs-for-bath time. And, we're pretty stingy about computer time in general; they don't have free access to it and it must be asked for and earned. Still, electronic communication is inevitable in their lives. I project my own delight at receiving an email from my nephew onto our hapless family members, some of whom got one-liner emails today, written with the typical curtness of children, but with much laughing and giggling and joy behind them.

And to think I once thought my children would think I was ancient for growing up without ATM machines -- try computers and smartphones and email and blogs!

1/7/2011

1/6/2011 A night for myself

Odd day.

I got to work as early as I could, which still wasn't early enough, about 7:50. Worked hard, fought extreme exhaustion and sleepiness and headachiness all day. As much as I like starting work early, a short nap in the late mornig would make ALL the difference in clearing my head and letting me think straight for the rest of the day.

I rarely go out to lunch, but I'd won a bet with a coworker and he was paying up! Two others joined us and we chatted about grownup things like financial markets and what motivates business executives and politicians. It's always enjoyable to have this broader social contact.

Still, I was so tired I was wondering how I'd meet my goal for the night: to start a skating class session! In some ways being SO tired means I MUST make the class, because the class is what's kept me going all day. So I left work on time, was very efficient in picking kids up, getting dinner started, homework, lunches made...and made it out to the 7pm class on time.

But what a disappointment the class was!! What class? It was a set of loosely grouped people of a wide range of skills, and no clear *class*. I finally interrupted an instructor who was teaching things that sort of looked like what I'd do, and asked her how this works. So she gave me a short evaluation, a few minutes of suggestions, then off she went to the next class member. Some of those were doing jumps and spins, way WAY ahead of me. What happened to an actual *class* with an actual *exercise*, that we all do together, and the teacher gives little corrections to all members of the class as you go along? Not 3 minutes of specifics then they're gone, that's not a class. Plus the other "classes" were mingling right into our practice area, which I find annoying too. It was really all too loosey-goosey. That was disappointing. Fortunately it was a free trial class and I didn't pay for it.

Still, the few minutes of instruction I did get were useful, and it makes me want to take classes again. I just can't waste my ultra-valuable time on a disorganized group lesson, so I signed up to inquire about private lessons. I assume they're more flexible in scheduling and more bang-for-buck in time and cost. I've gone way backward from where I was when I'd taken the real classes -- at the steep point on the learning curve that I'm on, I'm bound to slide back very quickly!

It occurred to me that what I really want to do is take dance. That's been true ALL my life, since when my first Halloween costume was a tutu my mother made. But I did take class for many many years, when my life lent itself better to evening classes 3-4 times a week. Still, someday, somehow, I will tearfully joyfully rejoin the dance world again -- creakier and stiffer, but I was never very flexible or graceful to begin with anyway.

Skiing all seems so crude my comparison -- maybe that's why it appeals to me so much now. It's more a sport and less an art than dance or skating, and maybe I just need some of that. (2 more weeks to our ski trip, I can't wait!)

My brief reunion with skating tonight was uplifting anyway. Little things like that add extra time load, but it helps bring this life a little more into balance.

1/6/2011

1/5/2010 Taking care of self

I had a dentist appointment this morning, so after dropping kids off, I took advantage of the time before and after to run some errands that feel SO good to get off my back. Then I took care of some things at home (including the most important -- a nap), then went to my regular weights class.

After that, I was really ready to work, and had a very productive afternoon, even though it was short. I love days when I feel fulfilled and optimistic and like I can handle life after all. Having some flexibility in the morning, getting a few nagging items out of the way, a nap, some exercise, then going to work and being intensely productive and able to concentrate, not slogging through exhausted, is great. This is the way it should be! It's not, but it should be.

Maybe I need more dentist's appointments.

Kids pretty good today. Boys taking to my new additional "work" item for them: emptying their lunches when they get home, not just putting them on the counter. We had some banana bread magic still lingering to keep them cool during dinner, mostly.

The clues are presenting themselves...I just need to decode them now!

ALERT to Doudna Kid Calendar fans: that IS coming! I'm working on it, but haven't had a big gush of inspiration and time coincide to make it happen. Sorry it wasn't ready before the new year!

1/5/2010

1/4/2010 An unusually good day

I tossed and turned all night last night, anxious and fretful. I even got up around 3:30am to check Web sites for hockey classes, soccer organizations and skating lessons. I knew I'd be wasted today at work, and more disheartened than ever at my inability to balance all aspects of my life.

Despite my exhaustion, I have a rare new project to work on, that is off Mr. Horrible's radar. This learning is great fun, and it feels good to have a chance to prove myself and to interact with my most worthy coworkers (instead of doing busywork that isn't important to anyone). I'd committed to going running at lunch with a coworker, which I've learned is essential to giving me energy on an especially tired day.

After picking up the boys, I thought to ask Gabriel if he'd finished his homework, and he launched into his usual eye-rolling and defensiveness -- but he had. I told him that if he had, maybe we could make some banana bread together. He'd made me feel very guilty yesterday when I told him maybe we could do it this weekend, and he said, "you always say that Mom, and it never happens."

So, we made it happen. While I was making dinner and doing some baking of my own, he used a recipe in his class recipe book, a book that his teacher had pulled together from favorite family recipes of each kid in the class. Another kid had submitted banana bread as well as Gabriel, so I suggested we try the other kid's recipe.

I stayed almost completely hands-off, talking Gabriel through every step. For things he couldn't reach, or things that are too heavy to handle, I helped him, but that was only a few times. He got out all the ingredients, bowls and cups; he did all the measuring and mixing -- and of course, smushing the bananas in a bag. Kids are very very slow workers, so it took pretty much all night, but he was dedicated to the task.

And what a difference in the evening!! When I picked the boys up, Gabriel was clearly on track to spend most of the night pestering his siblings, so this completely neutralized a very toxic element. Julian had no one to ignite his formidable potential for obnoxiousness, so spent much time quietly reading alone. Katrina indulged in her usual favorite activity: playing, talking aloud, making up her little stories, without being bothered in her room with her door closed. Ang Gabriel clearly relished the attention and alone time, as did I. It was still hectic (I didn't even get any photos!!), and made for a very late evening -- no head-start on lunch-making, and Dave and I weren't done with everything until 9:30 -- but it was overall so so much more peaceful and enjoyable.

Of course, I know that spending "quality time" with kids always improves their outlooks, and mine, but the life of a working parent doesn't always allow that. And the life of a working parent whose kids attend Collins and have an inordinate amount of extra project time especially doesn't allow that. But when somehow, the energy and time can be found, the payoff is huge.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight instead of searching for guilt alleviators in the middle of the night.

1/4/2010

1/3/2010 First day of school

I was thinking that maybe, I was just complaining too much about school. Many of my friends handle far far more than I do, after all. Maybe I was blowing it out of proportion, and I was just being overwhelmed by projects around the holidays and chronic disorganization. The new year would certainly bring improvements.

Nope. It's just as much of a pain in the ass now.

Actually, I do have additional insight as to why, though it's nothing new. The challenges of picking up kids, walking in the door and getting everyone settled, making dinner, cleaning up lunches, dealing with homework and all that are very real, but it's all made much much more difficult by how rude and resistant the boys are.

Every step of the way, they have to be pushed, reminded, threatened. Just getting them out of the car, inside, jackets and knapsacks hung up, hands washed, lunch put away, is a tremendous effort. It can take 20 minutes just for this baseline state, with reminders turning to threats for absolutely every step.

Katrina, on the other hand, overall is very cooperative. She might get distracted and lose her way, she might leave her lunch on the porch, she might forget to hang up her jacket, but all it takes is a reminder or two, and she cheerfully does it. If they were all like this -- putzy, forgetful, needing reminders, even every day, it would be SO much easier. But the boys are relentlessly rude and defiant.

"I don't HAVE TO!"
"It's a FREE COUNTRY!"
"I'm not GOING to school tomorrow, WHO CARES about homework!"
"Oh PLEASE MOOOOMMMM, I KNOWWWWWW!
"What are you, STUPID?! Why do you keep TELLING ME!"
"It's MY LIFE and I'll live it HOWEVER I WANT!"
"Stop ORDERING ME AROUND!"
"Fine then I'll take YOUR dessert away!"
"EEEIEIEEIEEEEEEE!!!! Why do I have to do ALL THIS WORK!!!!!!!"
"Why don't YOU do it!"

That's before we even get into the house.

Then if I implement a consequence -- Julian lost dessert for not coming to the table after being told numerous times, then running down a countdown -- I've lost my leverage and they're even worse until bedtime. Julian got sent out to sit on the porch bench twice during dinner for rudeness ("Who's the STUPIDEST one in the family? DAD!").

Oh JOY. This is such a FUN LIFE. "You signed up for it," you might think. No. No one signs up for this part of child-raising. It just tags along, like a burrs on your socks that you can't pick off.

I took this video of Katrina because she was reading this "Zelda and Ivy" book so well. She reads aloud, but she is really truly reading now, and I'm super proud of her. And happy for her, she loves it.

However, that's not why I'm posting the video -- you really can't make out her words, but her reaction when she notices the camera is pretty funny.


She can be plenty defiant too -- of course she has great role models, but she's the only one who flat-out answers with a straight "NO!" and an evil glare (Gabriel's great at those too). Tonight she too threw a fit around dinnertime and we had a struggle, but she's much much easier to distract out of it.

Still I can't help to wonder how different -- ok, easier -- our lives would be in this phase if we had girls. And to think, I'm told the hardest years are the teenage ones.

1/3/2010

1/2/2011 The dog days of school

I don't think I've ever been bluer about a back-to-school night than this one. WAAAH!! Does it HAVE to be over?! WAAHHH whiiiiiiinnneee WAAAAHHHH.

We got all the indoor Christmas stuff put away, cleaned up the craft table to prepare for the onslaught of homework, got most laundry done, and -- once again -- ugh! -- lunches made. I HATE doing that! So we're ready, but emotionally I'm so not ready for school to start. The absence of school last week really pointed to what made my holiday season so, so stressful. Letters are coming, something really has to change.

Thanks to a birthday party that the boys were at much of the afternoon, we had a relatively peaceful day. I'd better go bask in that relaxed feeling while it lasts, because at 7am tomorrow, the race begins anew. Happy new year indeed.

1/2/2011