8/7/2011 Rafting Trip

I'm behind!! I took the boys on a one-night camping/rafting trip in the Sierra Foothills last weekend, and we had SUCH a great time!

This area is in the heart of Gold Country, with the closest town being Coloma CA -- mostly state historical campsites and private campsite resorts.

We had a reservation with a rafting company for an easy 1/2-day trip that accepted kids as young as 6. Many rafting companies understandably drew the line at 7, but this river fork is pretty tame. A perfect introduction.

The rafting company leases some private campground space from large resort, and that's where we camped (far left). Nothing wild; just dirt to set a tent up on. (Our site was in the far left where my car is in this photo.)


We could also buy dinner, lunch and breakfast -- and I was all for it!! Most of my past weekend camping had been with a motorcycle club in which all we brought for camping was bedding -- adding food and cooking gear is 70% of the work. So I was very happy to pay my way out of it this time.

Dinner wasn't formal, but with grilled tilapia, grilled vegetables and salad, I hardly suffered.


After dinner, the boys and I took a walk to look around the resort and other campsites. We were psyched to find this river access, so pretty in the setting sun.

I was quite certain we'd never go through a rapid like this, but little did I know -- it was coming the next day!




Of course, camping isn't complete without marshmallow-roasting.


The next morning, we had camp packed up and we were ready for breakfast in plenty of time. Then we piled onto a school bus for the 1/2-hour ride to the start point. There we got a safety talk and basic lessons in how to deal with the rafts and paddles.

Then it was time to get in the boats! It worked out with the groupings of people that the boys and I got our own boat. That meant they added an adult to our boat, so that there were two adults plus the guide. For us it was great that one of the "extra" adults also happened to be a guide!

They were very careful and conservative, letting the boys set their paddles aside early, especially when it became clear that they couldn't coordinate paddling with the adults (me and another woman guide).


Though Julian was hesitant at first -- and I love this photo of his face -- he totally got into it and really wasn't all that scared!




We stopped at a blackberry-picking spot. This little beach gave us access to a fully-lined bank of wild blackberries. Yum!


Right before the last rapid named "Troublemaker" -- the one we'd seen the night before and figured we wouldn't raft over -- and we did! Here comes the plunge!




We did it! What fun!! The boys were brave and tough and enthusiastic. Thank goodness, because so was I. I LOVED it, even with being blasted with cold water.


Yayyy! What fun!!


Can't wait to do it again -- and some real rapids next time. These were all "class 3" -- nothing to sneeze at as amateurs with a 7yo in the front of the boat, but I'm looking forward to the rough stuff -- with my boys!!

8/7/2011

8/5/2011 Indian Wedding

Thursday: Julian's Kung Fu class, practicing some sort of punching/kicking exercise. He's liking it! He's ready for a yellow-belt belt test, which I signed him up for on Aug 20.


Today Dave and I both took the day off work. We'd planned to go to lunch together to drop in on -- of all things -- a wedding! Since I had such a tough week and Dave had a dentist appointment anyway, it was a good day to just take the whole day off.

Julian informed us last night that he was in a play at CDC camp today, that was performing at 9:30am today. Nice to know!! (Our CDC is running the "performing arts" and "culinary" camp, and with all 3 of our kids there, it made sense to separate the boys with Julian in performing arts camp.)

So before the wedding, Dave and I attended a hastily-arranged "Hansel and Gretel" performance. Julian had a non-speaking role as a tree. He took it pretty seriously though.

I think he needs to practice the silent role more, he did well.

The wedding is for a longtime friend and former coworker of Dave's, Uday, and his longtime girlfriend, Joann. Uday also has a 9yo son, Kirin, who spends the summer with Uday here (he lives in Cleveland) and has had playdates with our boys.

The "wedding" is complicated, because the bride is from the Midwest and the groom is Indian, so they're having several ceremonies and celebrations. Today's was (one of?) the Indian celebrations, in which ceremonies and banquets occur all day long, and apparently guests are invited to pop in and out as they please. There's also a "white wedding" on Sunday (I think that refers to race and wedding-dress color!), and another celebration in India in a few months. And I thought Western weddings were tough!

When we got to the wedding, we'd missed one of the first ceremonies, which according to the program including 25 steps of blessings, songs and rituals, but we'd arrived in time for one of the many photo sessions. Many of Joann's family (caucasians from the Midwest) dressed in sarees, that was interesting to see. So decorative and sparkly!

Joann and Uday were wearing garlands made of real flowers -- fragrant and heavy.


Later another ritual started, in which Uday and Joann sat while a cross-legged cleric chanted and sang and sprinkled them with things for about an hour. Meantime, guests mingled and ate and chatted -- it seemed disrespectful not to pay attention to such an intense and solemn ceremony, but apparently that's expected. Joann had changed into a beautiful pink saree, and even changed the jewels on her headdress and forehead.


What a difference from a Western wedding, but very interesting! I really enjoyed talking to their family and friends. I'd quizzed Joann several times in past years about what it's like growing up with two older brothers, for Katrina's sake. Nowadays the question seems irrelevant, because as a mother, my childraising experience is dominated by the boys' tumultuous relationship.

I met Joann's mother, who'd also raised two boys and a girl, and she confirmed my experience -- that two boys and a girl is mostly about the brother relationship. At least, for the mother it is. But I appreciate Joann's perspective on being the younger sister, ostensibly to help Katrina -- lately it seems more like she doesn't need much help; if anything she relieves the intense fraternalities around here. Anyway, it was nice to be there for our friends, in whatever way we were there.

Unfortunately, the day was marred with yet another horrendous behavior report from the CDC about the boys. That doesn't happen nearly as much with girls. Argh!

8/5/2011

8/4/2011 Burnt

This has been one tough week. I'm taking tomorrow off just because of burnout. And got kids to bed at 8:30, something we need to start being stricter about (it's been let go a lot in the summer). Now I'm watching Burn Notice and crashing.

8/4/11

8/3/2011 Smarting

I'm still reeling from yesterday's work events, much of which comes from ongoing frustration at my inability to manage my own emotions. But the day turned around, unexpectedly, despite a horrendous start. First I found out that a greatly liked coworker is coming back (!), then later in the afternoon I was included in a meeting with a VP of Sales, to talk about the conference we all attended in the city last week.

Usually marketing and sales stuff sounds like Charlie-Brown-adult wonk-wonk-wonk to me, but being an in-the-trench engineer so greatly deprived of actual information, it was really enlightening and motivating to hear that our work actually affects someone. I was amused by Mr. Horrible's obvious attempts to steer conversation away from and belittle my area of expertise. He sure is working hard to make me irrelevant. I should be honored! Seems I'm smarting from someone trying to make sure I don't appear smart!

But I really need to work on emotional management and attitude shifts. I can't keep boring my regular blog readers to death with this, either. Though passion for my work is the greatest asset I have, I have to learn to control it. I think it was in a Laura Ingalls Wilder book that she wrote, "Ambition is a good servant, but poor master." My rough game plan now is to gather information, talk to people, tie up lingering projects, and then give my life some serious thought during the days I'll take off the week that school starts.

I still haven't planned whatever trip or activities we'll do that week, but I have a far-away fantasy that it can include Yosemite National Park. Few things uplift me more than the beautiful outdoors, and we have so much of it here! Now that's being smart.

8/3/2011

8/2/11 Humiliation

I heard an interesting story on NPR yesterday about humiliation. It's something I'd given thought to since reading the book Unbroken, a story about an American POW in Japanese camps. The things that the Japanese guards did to humiliate their prisoners were harder on them than the beatings and physical abuse, because it eroded their will.

Th NPR story was about a new book out about humiliation and the author's study of it. Why we revel in Others' humiliation. It's overall an interesting concept, and broadens what we think of as humiliation from typical embarrassing situations to more subtle ones.

I disagree with the author's stance that humiliation requires a 3rd-party observer however. He says "I don't think there can be humiliation unless there is a spectator observing it and registering it as shame and bringing the news elsewhere." He's wrong. There can be humiliation with just two people present, if one party has absolute power over the other. Ask any woman who's been sexually assaulted.

I was glad for this insight to explain the swath of of miserable, self-defeating, angst I suffered this afternoon after yet another work incident this afternoon. How can I get SO upset about something at work? Really, who cares?

There's a new project at work that is right up my alley, I've kept in touch with the guy running it, I've raised both hands saying I want to do it, I'm qualified, motivated, I have the time. The project is within my group and skillset and my manager is all for my doing it -- lemme at it.

But Mr Horrible wants someone else to do it, one of his hand-picked guys. The hand-picked guy said in a staff meeting that he doesn't know what to do -- so Mr H suggested that anyone in the group could offer help -- and then named everyone except me. I knew better, I stayed silent.

I was fuming all afternoon until some technical email discussion came up and I started to get involved anyway (if it's in writing I can ask questions much more easily), even talking to The Chosen One about it, who's bright but inexperienced. We agreed to meet tomorrow to kick off the project.

Then I got the email: Mr. H is adament about excluding "all others" from this project. Which means, me. He'd called for volunteers, but then when he hears I've volunteered, he shuts it down.

Thanks to the radio show about humiliation, I can identify the emotion. I was furious, frustrated, felt undervalued, felt left out. It's humiliating to be set aside like I'm worthless, even if I know that's only one person's opinion. It's not about respect. The American POWs were continually humiliated by Japanese guards they loathed and had no respect for, but their superior position allowed them to force the prisoners to perform humiliating acts.

This is a minor case, but that's what's been going for months: systematic, subtle, insidious humilitation, designed to drive me out. Eliminate all opportunity for me to contribute, learn, excel. Today's episode is the most egregious case.

Is it even worth attempting to demonstrate this old-style form of punishment to HR? He knows very well that HR can't mediate or judge on technical matters. He could claim that I'm needed on another project, and they can't tell if its busywork or not. He's just barely technical enough to know what work has a future and to make darned sure I stay out of it and that his guy goes into it. It's possible he even knows how much I like my work, how good I am at tackling a new project with enthusiasm and tenacity, and that's the number one thing he can take away from me.

I've invested so much in this fight that it seems like I'm giving up to say "screw this" and just walk. Not to mention giving Mr H the satisfaction, he'd like nothing better. He'd win. Am I big enough to live with that?

I always take it hard when I can't work on a fun new project, but this has an element of evil retribution. It is "humiliating" -- and I can use that word more easily now -- to be left out from my team, even by someone no one respects but who still holds our purse strings and uses them like marionnette strings.

I think I need to buy that book on humiliation, to understand it and know how to react to it. I appreciate the radio article about it, because it all fits and makes me feel less bad about myself for feeling so bad. I'm not just disappointed about not being able to work on a new project -- I'm humiliated. No wonder.

8/2/11

p.s. I wish my father were here. He was so insightful and able to pull out what's important. I remember him musing once with regretful amazement how much stock women put into their work, how darned much it meant to us, how we weave it into our identities. That gave me quite the insight into how men and women see their work differently. It's true -- how would my job look to me if I knew my family depended on it? Would it be easier to brush off the BS if I knew what mattered most was the paycheck? Or would I decide that my "job" was just to do what my idiot boss said?

8/1/11 Little friends

Such a shame rats have such a bad name. If someone could breed a rat with a fluffier tail and call it something else, every kid would have one. Their claws are sorta sharp too, but that's in the noise.

These girls are getting plenty of love and attention!


I too got to play with a friend tonight -- coffee with a very longtime friend who moved to North Carolina about 7 years ago and is back here visiting family. A nice break from reality!

8/1/11

7/31/2011 Tanks!

Saturday, we got a tour of the Military Vehicle Technology Foundation museum -- one of the largest private collections of military vehicles in the world -- which mostly means a whole lot of tanks!

The absolute coolest Dad I've met -- who homeschools his 2nd-grader (how many dads homeschool?) -- organized this tour for other homeschool kids. I met this Dad when Julian was in pre-K -- his son and Julian were friends -- he's a lawyer who's originally from Taiwan, but decided to homeschool his son when he entered kindergarten.

Gabriel claimed no interest (sucker -- he'd have loved it) and Katrina is still too young, so we found a highly overqualified (but skilled and very nice) nanny to mind Gabriel and Katrina while Dave and I took Julian. It was a pretty drive on windy hilly roads into the depths of Portola Valley, onto private property where we parked amongst 4 massive metal sheds housing hundreds of American, German and Soviet tanks -- and even a few from Switzerland and Sweden. Who knew the Swedes made tanks?


The tour was 2-1/2 hours and covered 4 huge warehouses filled with tanks, and so much information transpired I can't begin to recall, let alone write it. I didn't take notes so I'd get the technical information wrong too.


But it was fascinating, and I learned a lot more about WWII history. Not all tanks were WW-II era but most of the interesting stories about how designs were cobbled together or didn't work, came from that era. I also learned a lot I didn't know I didn't know about explosives, munitions and combat. Lots of these tanks just plain didn't work right and were deathtraps for their users, and it only took the guys driving them a few minutes to figure that out what pie-in-the-sky designers safe at HQ couldn't figure out.

The famous American Sherman tank (on the left), with a German Panzer (I think) on the right, that was far superior in every way except one: the Germans didn't make as many of them.


The business end of the Panzer.


1936 Japanese gun. Note the rifling in the barrel.


The tour included 4 enormous sheds filled with tanks, jeeps, some motorcycles, amphibious vehicles, and even an enormous Scud missile launcher (which somehow I didn't get a photo of).


The tour guide knew how to deal with kids, especially a group of inquisitive question-peppering homeschoolers, and gave them lots to do with handling real (de-armed of course) guns.



Kids were also allowed to climb in some of the tanks.


This cat named Hitler followed us for some of the time. I took this photo to show my Mom, who had a favorite cat as a child named SchickelGruber -- Hitler's original name.


More wildlife peeking through a window.



The tanks in the sheds are all restored, but they arrived at this facility looking more like this one.


A fun, fascinating afternoon! We brought Julian home and left again to go out to dinner -- we had a sitter, why squander the opportunity? She was great; unfortunately she's moving in a few months. She's a part-time nanny and is used to younger kids, and younger kids who are so used to nannies that they're not used to entertaining themselves. Our kids are notoriously self-entertaining -- she said she didn't know what to do with herself. Katrina kept her entertained much of the time though, by changing into a dance outfit and "performing." Gabriel also impressed her with his piano-playing.

Today, Sunday, my goal was to go nowhere, do nothing and see no one!! And I did it!!

7/31/2011

7/29/2011 The girls are back!

I'm not crazy about it when the CDC asks us to pick up kids from somewhere other than their location, but it worked out today -- Gabriel's Archery Camp pickup was nearly within walking distance from the CDC's field trip from where they asked us to pick the kids up. So I picked up Gabriel first, then the other two.

So of course I think: all-three photo-op? Not really -- Gabriel had to trick Katrina into thinking something unexpected was behind me. She turns these situations from photo-ops into documentation moments, where the best I can do is record that they were all together.


The really good news for us this week: we get to rat-sit! Spot and Scabbers are back! Their true owners are going out of town for a week, and we gladly volunteered to rat-sit. The kids are thrilled, none moreso than Gabriel.



We're old hats with rats now; we know how to handle them and deal with the cage and all that. These two have grown a little, so may not fit into pockets quite the same way as before, but we'll manage (such as with bigger pockets).

It's so obvious we need our own pets. But with both parents working full-time and always feeling very on-the-edge, anything that needs more emotional maintenance than a cat (meaning: very little) wouldn't do well here. And school is starting in just a few weeks.

San Francisco seems a pretty dog-friendly city. I really enjoyed walking around during lunch breaks, touristing and immersing myself in the "city" world (though a completely different city world from New York). I saw a lot of dogs, and smiled at scenes like bored doormen in the high-class hotel district enjoying passersby with their dogs. I really liked walking around the city, especially with its beautiful hilltop views of thebay, but I also really liked seeing the normal scenes of normal life, including so many people passing their days and their lives with the companionship of a dog.

Rats are terrific pets for kids, and cats make the most sense for working parents, but there's no getting around that I've always been a dog person. Oh, if only. There are a lot of reasons for me to quit my job -- that could be one too!

But for the next week at least, we get to enjoy the company of two very funny friendly little girls!

7/29/11

7/28/11 Dry girl

Katrina had a dry night!!!! This was the first time ever. OK, 3 wet nights since (in Pull-Ups of course), but that was still a huge milestone.

She also seems to be past the "leaking" problem for now, though I don't stick my nose in her underpants to check. But she's seemed to join the realm of the normal girls in that department.

Thanks to her brothers, I'm not concerned about night-training, though if I recall (and can you believe, it's been long enough that I can't?), Julian was "done" well before kindergarten. Gabriel, I recall VERY well, was so NOT; he was well into first-grade and it was a big struggle with a night-time alarm to try to get the idea across. I'm happy to say that my investment in this alarm has paid off -- at least 3 friends have used it! It's much too early for 4-yo Katrina, but wouldn't it be nice if she didn't need it.....

That would be the last foot in the world of babies/toddlers -- magical as it is, the real magic is in moving out of it and seeing your babies become kids -- without Pull-Ups!

7/28/11

7/27/11 Conference in S.F.

Usually I love professional conferences, but this one was something of a snoozer. Still, I get a lot out of them and today was no exception. This conference had a "marketing" track and a "technical" track and to my amazement, the marketing track was much more interesting and pretty technical too. It got me excited about my work again, reminded me of how much is out there, how much I can do and contribute to my field -- I don't have to be oppressed by a hostile insecure manager who wants to keep me down and drive me out.

And nothing is more uplifting than a nice walk at lunchtime -- especially when you're in the Nob Hill section of San Francisco! Though I've lived in California for over 20 years, I really have only been to the city a handful of times, so I'm still in tourist mode here.

The fog had lifted, though a chilly wind reminded pedestrians of where they were, which in my case was at a nice summit with views of water on either side. I walked around the neighborhoods and took random pictures of interesting things. I'd say "stroll" but in San Francisco there's a whole lot of huffing uphill that makes it just not a stroll.





Standard architects will tell you that windows on a floor are all supposed to be at the same level -- obviously this house was built by a contrarian!


We were all coldy instructed to be back in the office tomorrow (the conference goes on for one more day), so it's back to the coal mines. But two days in the city goes a long way toward spirit revival!

7/27/11

7/25/11 Y camp again

Two pickups again this week....Gabriel at a Y camp; Julian and Katrina at the CDC. This is worse than last week in one way, because these two locations are far apart, but better in other ways because of no swim lessons (which Katrina is very sad about). To complicate matters, I'm driving to the city tomorrow for a conference. Brrr! High of 63 today in San Francisco -- and it's a COLD 63 up there!!

7/25/11

7/24/2011 Swim Day

Not them -- me! I went swimming this morning, for sadly only the second time this summer. What a great way to think things through -- I did 1800 yards without stopping, and had time to squeeze in another 50 of butterfly and backstroke before lap swim time was over.

During that time, I gave a lot of thought to my work and life situation while in a semi-out-of-body trancelike state. Even running, which in many ways I like better, doesn't give me the same mental peace and sense of well-being that a good swim does afterward. I was in a decent mood all day, and had the energy and optimism to tackle a most dreadful and inertia-inducing task: resume updates.

Friday's Dilbert. This is so close to home that I wouldn't dare post it in my cubicle.


Last Friday was the kids' last "regular" swim lesson, but I think I will schedule a few one-off private lessons for them (and me!) in August, same place. I'm really happy we've found our swim-lesson place.


But I'm also happy there are no lessons next week. That will give me a little logistical relief, but not entirely, because Gabriel will be at a Y Archery camp while Julian and Katrina are at Collins. And I have a conference to attend in San Francisco for three days, that will make things extra-interesting, but I'm happy to be pulled out of my regular context.

Still, I could use one more weekend day and a few more good swims this week!

7/24/2011

7/23/11 Kitchen helper

I bake a lot. As such, there are a few tasks I've grown to dislike: #1 is measuring flour. #2 is cracking eggs. I'm fast so it's really not a problem, but I'd just as soon delegate. Most of the time, kids "helping" is more for fun and bonding, but isn't really help.

This morning I needed about 4 eggs cracked for scrambled eggs, and Katrina enthusiastically volunteered for the job. She'd done so well the last time she "helped" me that this time, I just set her up and let her go!


Then she added salt, pepper (milling it from the grinder), paprika and half-and-half; then she mixed it all up.


If she could reach things on her own, I could probably just ask her to prepare and cook the scrambled eggs herself! I also love her enthusiasm and just being with her in the kitchen.

7/23/11

7/21/2011 Almost swimming

Last summer, I had to pluck Katrina out of the water when she went horizontal and didn't know enough to put her feet back down.

Last week, she was barely OK with putting her face in the water for a moment -- a decent first step thanks to months of the previous swim place, but a far cry from where her brothers were thanks to their Water Babies experience (one that she never took to).

At age 4-1/2, Katrina was starting at a huge deficit compared to her brothers, but at least had been in water before and was OK with getting her head wet. I described her swimming level as "drowning hazard," but at least she was past the crying and refusing stage of many 4-year-olds. Not much comfort to a mom who'd like their kids to actually swim.

Today, Katrina is almost -- not quite -- but almost -- there!


She loves it and is SO happy and proud of herself.

Unfortunately, only one more swim lesson tomorrow. Still, this "immersion" (no pun intended) plan has worked well -- a lesson 3 days last week and every day this week (instead of one lesson a week all summer) has been far, far more effective, despite the logistical challenge.

Plus the quality and method of these lessons is night and day. Part of that is because of our quasi-private lessons -- not because cheapie me paid for them, but because no one else signed up for this time slot.

And though this is a selfish aspect, I SO much prefer outdoor pools. I love to swim myself (and have only gone once this summer, wah), but I can't stand indoor swimming -- or watching swimming indoors, as it turns out. I really like hanging around the outdoor pools and watching everything. I'm not alone in this; an extremely athletic swimming/marathoner friend also won't go near indoor pools (Helen Barker for those of you know who her).

Katrina's teacher seems to really enjoy teaching her; she's so enthusiastic and happy about it. She isn't usually a gushy kind of person, but you can hear her giggling and shouting happily from all the way across the other pool during her lesson.

But aside from joy in the water, Katrina's turnaround is nothing short of amazing. She was by far the most reluctant baby-swimmer I had (and frankly has never shown much athletic talent), but now she is by far the most enthusiastic swimmer. Gabriel was by far the most capable baby swimmer I had (and he has some natural athletic ability), but is unfortunately by far the most reluctant swimmer now.

Katrina is still in "drowning hazard" territory, but she's come so, so far. I wish she had another week of lessons, I think she'd actually be swimming, but we just can't make it happen. Still, I think her teacher will enjoy her last lesson tomorrow just as much as she will -- but no one moreso than me!

7/21/2011

7/20/2011 Swimming?

Drat, I didn't get video, but I saw Katrina do something that remotely resembles swimming today! It involved being underwater, horizontal, moving all limbs with just barely enough rhythm to pass for "swimming" for a second or so, then popping up and laughing, "SEE Mommy, I'm SWIMMING!!!" She's still a drowning hazard, but she's come SO SO far from being pulled around on a barbell and doing the hokey-pokey in a swim floatie under a tunnel.

Logistics of swim lessons have been tough, but I'm almost wishing I'd signed up for another week, if just for Katrina. She's close to a breakthrough. Yay!

The boys....ugh. Gabriel is famously exceptional at resisting instruction, and he mostly does. He's improved a little, but only against his will. If he'd apply his extraordinary attention span and determination to swimming instead of not swimming, he'd be doing laps and flip-turns now. Julian is much more willing to learn and has made a lot more improvement, I'm happy to say. He too could benefit from another week. Maybe I can fit it in somehow.

Next year I'm certainly going to call this same swim school (really a members-only country club that lets the rank-and-file scrabble in for swim lessons) earlier and find a way to get them all there for longer!

7/20/11

7/19/2011 Attitude Improvement

Instead of working from 3:15-4pm before I had to leave early to get kids to swim lessons, I played ping-pong with a coworker. And I went running at lunch today, which takes 1-1/2 hours. And got to work late, partly because of horrendous traffic on a local street. AND, I didn't work tonight. Nyah.

Instead of working tonigh to make up for all my deliquencies, I watched the rest of T2 with my young impressionable children. Great parenting, huh!! It's R-rated and fraught with violence!

I was amused that Katrina had made a comment about Winnie-the-Pooh being scary, but nothing about Terminator 2. Well, at least it has some positive themes: giving up things you love for the right reasons, mother-son bonding, obedient capable kids. Not to mention the mind-bending theme of time-travel. Gabriel especially is moved when I say that I'd do anything to protect him, just as Sarah Conner would die to protect her son (though she was a little better-prepared than I am).

I could use some lessons from the Terminator myself. Hasta la vista, baby.

7/19/11

(p.s. welcome back from music camp in Vermont, Mom!)

7/18/11 Wrap-up

A black day for me. It's clear the work problem is here to stay, and I have just learn to live with it, or leave.

The bigger problem is within myself. Why do I care so much? How can I let this cancer eat away at me? Why can't I compartmentalize, put it in perspective, set it aside? Why can't I adapt as others have; accepting the futility of resistance and settling for "good enough" -- do just enough to make the proper appearances, and get real work done under the radar. Why does staying silent when I disagree or see something done wrong feel so wrong, why can't I learn to live with that? Why don't I "just leave" ?

Today at least, it feels like a lose-lose. Leaving is retreating from a situation I overall really like and am unlikely to duplicate elsewhere. Turning into a sheep burns at my very core; speaking up and pushing for what I think is right is one of my few assets.

I know the best approach is to take this as a learning experience and find a way to rise above: to work effectively, despite my Director's efforts against that; and to continue to build solid relationships with others. And try not to get frustrated and feel like a victim: I didn't start this. This man got away with unprecedented verbal abuse, yet I was the one who ended up under the microscope.

And most of all, have faith that the truth will come out. That faith has been seriously rattled -- nothing substantial has come from my efforts to escalate and publicize the problem, except directing much unwanted scrutiny at me. 10% of my angst tonight is about the loss of that faith; the other 90% is just that I can't turn this OFF like I know I should.

OK, one more day of futile fretting, then it's time to do some emotional damage control!

7/18/11

7/17/2011 Movie Day

This is rare -- we all went to see a movie in a theatre today! Dave's idea actually: Winnie-the-Pooh. We met up with our friends Sara and Saul, who is 10 weeks older than Katrina. Saul laughed a lot through the movie; Gabriel chuckled a bunch of times (and enjoyed it; apparently he's not getting too old for animated movies), and Julian and Katrina were riveted.

I'd also rented some decidedly un-kid movies: Terminator and Terminator 2. Wellll....what can I say. I'd been telling Gabriel about some of the great scenes in the beginning of T2, which led to renting both. The boys and I watched the beginning of Terminator yesterday, then the beginning of T2 today, with Katrina.

I know, I know, really not kid-stuff. On the other hand, the motorcycle chase scenes in T2 with a 10-year-old boy are the sort of thing most 9-year-old boys live for -- lots of stuff blowing up, after all.

Otherwise mostly putzed around the house and tried not to think about work too much today.

7/17/2011

7/15/2011 Do It Anyway

I need to get OUT of work mode. WHY does this matter so much?

A coworker suggested that our mishmash (diverse?) modern society has few rite-of-passage rituals, such as Bar/Bat Mitzvahs for 13-year-olds in Jewish culture, or Quinceanera for 15-year-olds in Mexican culture. Instead, we get our sense of hierarchy and advancement from work. And indeed, I know in my heart that a large part of the reason I wanted to go back to work after having babies was for the structure, the sense of accomplishment, the belonging.

But it's hard to satisfy those basic needs in a foreign culture in which advancement, recognition and contribution is about people, relationships and loyalty; rather than intrisic work. I'd expect a great deal of subjective judgement in an artistic environment, but in a literal engineering one? That's odd. As regular readers know, I struggle routinely with a boss who values impressions, appearances and loyalty over quality of work and facts.

Yesterday my job changed dramatically. I was instructed to start working on a software application that does failure analysis on IP networks. Actually, it's right up my alley, normally, but it's not close to what I've been doing or want to do. More importantly, it's not in my team's set of responsibilities.

Do It Anyway, I was told today. Never mind that the group that is responsible doesn't need or want my help. So instead of doing in my job description, I've been instructed to duplicate work in another group..."just in case." I hate being given busywork that others have already covered and being told to "do it anyway" with little purpose beyond "just in case."

I don't know...do I trust the CTO's sincere-sounding words that he wants to hear about problems like this? Or will I come off as a whiner? How do you convey that this really isn't your job without sounding like you're trying to slough off??

Speaking of dysfunction, thank goodness I had to leave at 3:30 today, to deal with a wacky kid-pickup schedule that involved kids in a pool on a field trip just before a swim lesson. Somehow I got them all to swim lesson on time. That by itself proves how capable I am!!

7/15/2011

7/14/2011 Thursday night

This has been a really remarkable week so far, and not all in good ways. I made an important and good discovery at work, then my job was almost pretty much re-assigned yesterday. And today I looked our CTO in the eye and told him that his Director is technically incompetent and that people don't understand why the CTO tolerates him. I think I used up a year's worth of courage in saying that.

I need to work tonight, but you know what? There's a new episode of Burn Notice on in 10 minutes! Forget work!

7/14/2011

7/13/2011 takeout!

Swim night, and I have a ton of work to do tonight due to an unexpected re-assignment at work today. I will NOT let Mr Horrible keep me from doing real, good work, so that means extra work. It's serious, because I even missed a regular Coffee Night with friends!!

7/13/2011

7/12/11 MWF swim

Whew. No swim lesson today -- no trying to coordinate Gabriel and Katrina's field trip with getting them to swim lesson on time. They went ice-skating. Julian left his knapsack that I'd so carefully packed at the CDC and so didn't skate, but Katrina remembered hers and she had a great time!

Tomorrow, Gabriel's field trip is going to some marine lab, supposedly back by 4:30. A few wrong traffic lights will make us late for a 5pm swim lesson. Summer is stressful!

7/12/11

7/11/2011 Swim Lessons

Two weeks of swim lessons for all 3 starting today!! New place, great reputation.

Scheduling constraints meant that Katrina had her own lesson at 5pm, then the boys together at 5:30.

Katrina loved her teacher; I could hear her giggling from far away. For her, it turns out her swim lessons at the previous lame place did pay off to some extent, because she was willing to put her face in the water. The boys have always been fine with dunking their heads due to their early Water Babies lessons in Campbell, but Katrina never took to swim lessons as a baby.


During Katrina's lesson, the boys had fun playing ping-pong by the pool.


This place is a genuine "country club" with a hefty initiation fee to join, but it does allow the rank-and-file scrabble like us to pay for swim lessons without joining. They're not cheap, but swim lessons never are, and most aren't very good.

The boys were next, in a lesson together, against my better judgement. The swim class director assured me they could handle brothers. I was skeptical.


And I was right. Not these brothers. I had to intervene several times to threaten Gabriel (and carry out twice) with the loss of coveted computer-time for every time the teacher had to tell him to quit messing around (splashing Julian, blocking Julian when it was his turn to swim, going underwater and kicking his feet at the teacher). By the end of the lesson, the swim class director (not their teacher) suggested that next lesson, we split the boys up 15 minutes/15 minutes, so they're not in the pool at the same time.

Despite all this, much swim-learning actually occurred. Julian used his arms, and was introduced to the concept of intermingling breathing with actually swimming. Gabriel showed that he had learned something at our previous swim place, but really really needs to reinforce it, since he gives up after only a few strokes. I had to face the fact that at 9 years old, despite having started at 4 months old, he really can't swim.

I was struck by how much nicer it was to deal with an outdoors pool than indoors. It's SO much nicer to wait and watch -- downright pleasant, in fact. No surprise; I've grown to truly dislike indoor swimming myself, and haven't done it for years. I've swum outdoors in the rain and dark in 52-degree weather, but not indoors.

(Actually, I have not gone swimming myself for months until yesterday, when I really felt like I needed to -- and had a horrible swim for the first 20 minutes, then the endorphins kicked in and I felt phenomenal and drove home in a great, inspired, uplifted mood as I always do after swimming.)

3 kid swim-lessons this week, 5 next week. Despite the logistical challenges, I already totally enjoy not cringing at their lameness!

7/11/11 (cool date!)

Death Valley Writeup

FINALLY! I finished blogging our Death Valley National Park Trip (April 17-19, 2011). You've already read about it, just check out the photos.

There must be a better way. Next time, photo book!

7/10/2011 The Piano

We've been thinking about upgrading our practice piano. What we have now is a programmable one with 65 keys, a shade up from toy status, but definitely not a real piano.

Dave has an 88-key keyboard that's been in a box since we moved out to remodel, one with weighted keys to give a more piano-like feel. I convinced him that it doesn't need protection from little kids anymore -- so, let's start with that one.

Though we're thinking that a more integrated electronic piano would be better, one that doesn't need separate speakers, metronome, music stand, pedals and tangles of cords, for now Dave's 88-key piano tells us how much of the whiz-bang electronic features we do need. The kids make ample use of the pre-recorded tunes and various playing modes on our semi-toy piano...but we can always keep that one and find another place for it.

Meantime, Gabriel has been enjoying getting to know 88 keys. I'm very curious to see if the better feel and sound of this piano will outweigh the lack of whizzy features for him.

(lots of mistakes at first but he gets his groove on.)


Julian and Katrina have been enjoying freer access to our littler piano, which clearly needs to be in a different room from the 88-key one. And bonus: now Dave wants to play again too!

In other breaking news, it was time to get the kids haircuts. Their hair is never quite in sync -- Gabriel's could have gone longer, but Julian is getting downright shaggy and Katrina's bangs could use a professional touch-up from the occasional hacking I do.

They weren't thrilled about a "before" shot.


And less so about an "after" shot, but there were lollipops at stake here. The boys didn't like the itchiness so took their shirts off.


The lady who did Katrina's hair did a wonderful job. A little layering in the back, giving her thick rich hair a lovely swingy quality. And she did a very nice job angling her bangs in the front.


Katrina actually asked me to take a photo of her haircut afterward.


Gabriel's is inexplicably short, but he doesn't mind, because he says that means he won't need a haircut for longer now. I didn't have the heart to remind him that it's really Julian's hair, which was cut much longer by a different person, that will determine when our next trip to Great Clips will be!

7/10/2011

7/7/11 too much to write

...whew. I am really tired. just a few notes before going to sleep. We got the kids up to bed early for once, and I ended up working late. But late tonight, a very strange stiffness all across my heck and back make me feel like I'm carrying a piece of plywood strapped to my back. This better not be a reminder of who's really in control of my mobility: my trick back. I don't think it's because I haven't stretched right after a run...?

7/7/2011

7/6/11 The Helper

What a change -- it's actually a joy to pick the kids up now! The teachers are happy and have cute little stories, we chat a bit, the kid in question cooperates with getting ready to leave. This is great!

The CDC taking care of Katrina is adjusting a little to her though. "She doesn't really want to participate," one teacher reported, apparently expecting that I'd perceive this as a problem. Uh-huh. "She likes to play on her own for a long time. Uh-huh.

Another time, Katrina refused to answer a question and just stared ahead, so the teacher called Gabriel over to "translate." They went on a field trip today, and apparently Gabriel was by her side the whole day -- on the bus, at the pizza restaurant where they made their own lunch, back at the CDC. Gabriel commented, "I'm making sure nothing happens to her -- except good things."

The CDC teachers who are used to Gabriel are blown away by this side of him. I'd told them that he was very sweet with her, but they seem really surprised, and delighted. Indeed, Gabriel with Katrina is totally opposite from Gabriel with Julian.

I never worried about the boys when they started at the CDC, and I'm overall not worried at all about Katrina, but I do think about her a little more. She's just so young, so little. She was in preschool just a few weeks ago, and now has been thrust into the big-kid world. She doesn't even think to close the bathroom door yet, for instance. But she's fine. Anything she can't handle, Gabriel can. I just love how he loves her.

Ah, the magic of summer -- and fraternal separation!

7/6/11

7/5/2011 CDC!

Katrina's first day at CDC!!! She was very excited -- but no more so than I was.


(Gabriel is carrying his new favorite book, "The Winn Rosch Hardware Bible" about IBM PC hardware -- he's back on his electronics kick.)



So funny the difference between preschool and school-age care. I brought some extra shorts and underpants because of her "leaking" issue (which has been much better the past 2 weeks). At preschool, it's: "OK! Put it in her marked cubby!" At school-age care it's an apprehensive, "uhh....why don't you stash that in her brother's knapsack so it doesn't get lost," and a deserved 'oh brother' look. School-age camps are way past potty-training. Fair enough.

Julian went to a different CDC today!


He said it was "1/4 bad and 3/4 good," because kids were "tricking" him about computer games (~irritation~ about computer games at daycamp), but he ran into some friends he knew too. Julian is the only child we have out of the 3 who truly seems to care about these things. He had a good time though.

Most importantly, picking them up today was easy because of the lack of reports of behavior problems, spending playtime in the office reading, interventions, letters of apologies to teachers, lengthy discussions about how to keep troublesome boys apart...ahhhh. Everyone is loving the boys' separation so much that I'm actually starting to dread them being all together in August for 2 weeks before school starts (ick!).

Collins CDC has "culinary" and "performing arts" camp, and since I didn't cotton on to the different specialty camps this year, I didn't sign Katrina up for either camp. Somehow she got put into "performing arts" by default, which would be singing today, so I told the P.A. teacher, "Er, you might want to move her to Culinary...." -- which apparently happened quickly.

How is it that our nearest CDC ended up being Culinary and Performing Arts all summer?! Hello CDC, we working parents choose you based on location, not specialty camp! I wish they'd go back to their most excellent week-by-week themes. Our closest CDC happens to run the Culinary and Performing Arts specialty camps, neither of our top choices.

Next summer, I'll have to rethink daycamps. But next summer is a world away.

Right now, I'm keenly aware of how little and young Katrina seems, though she wasted no time this morning at CDC finding a bucket of dinosaurs and making up games with them. She's not a super-sensitive child, but I'm surprised at how aware I am that she's not even 5 yet and still a very very little girl. Emotionally it involves some letting-go that I didn't have to do with her 5-1/2yo brothers; objectively I know that if any 4-3/4yo can take being plopped into a new big-kid situation, it's Katrina.

Being back at work today should have been a fun catching-up with coworkers, plowing through hundreds of emails, and gradually transitioning back into Work Mode after 10 days away. But instead it was a stressful slam back into the dysfunctional world working under the Taliban mentality. I learned today that "respect" is an important quality for Silicon Valley engineers -- silly me, I thought things like resourcefulness, tenacity, thoroughness and problem-solving were the tops.

What would I say if I were asked if I "respect" my Director? I act respectful, I don't say or do anything unprofessional or inappropriate, that's just wrong and unnecessary and falls outside what I believe to be correct professional decorum. But if I were asked point-blank if I respect him in my heart, I would be compelled to state the truth: No.

Katrina said tonight, "Tomorrow is my SECOND day at CDC, then another day, then another, then I'll go to COLLEGE!!!" Reminds me of my all-time favorite academic geek cartoon with Step 2 saying "Then a miracle occurs...


I could use a miracle!

7/5/2011

7/4/2011 The Americans

We went to see fireworks tonight, but that wasn't the most "American" thing that happened here today. Actually, it was something that is very common to most of the world except here, but still struck me as being so basically American anyway.

And that was Julian's friend from across the street coming over and asking, "Can Julian come out to play?" and Julian playing with his neighbor friend for the better part of the afternoon. Without the grandmother or father following them around!

Also American is the minor irritation that Julian went into the neighbor's house without telling me, then got cookies right before dinner and spent time inside watching a movie on a beautiful day. Alas, I hear that's all part of this thing about having kids on the block to play with -- overall a win.

More on my window shade project. This one room, I took a big leap with the color, since I'm usually very wimpy and chicken about color. But I love the sun coming through this "coral" color, and it matches the bedspread and pillows (all of which I sewed myself so I guess they're staying).

Best of all, when the sun is usually blaring through this window, the shades give the room a lovely warm pinky glow.


Now I really hate the wimpy white shades I put in the family room!

Back to work tomorrow, and two kids are starting at two new CDCs (to them) tomorrow as well. Julian will be going to Eaton CDC, attached to the next school over; and of course Katrina will start at Collins CDC, where Gabriel will go too. And I have to brace myself for the usual weirdness at work. A big adjustment for three of us!

7/5/2011

7/3/2011 Hot day

What IS this? Rain, humidity, and now heat? We live with high prices, traffic and crowding here in the SF Bay Area just to avoid all that with the world's best climate. It was almost 100 degrees today -- no FAIR!

The kids spent most of the day (mostly) quietly indoors.

My sense is that they truly miss their cousins. It was so fun having them here, that a day at home doing nothing just isn't the same. Plus it was really un-fun hot outside. So, lots of reading and music-listening (and some playing) happened inside.

But all was not lost -- thanks to the generosity and thoughtfulness of a good friend, we went to a neighborhood pool for nearly 3 hours this hot afternoon. For once, good timing occurred between the weather and our plans, because this was the day to spend hours in the water.

Photo first. Not as good as last year's!


My #1 Prime Objective this weekend has been installing window shades in most of the downstairs (minus the tilt-n-turn windows, the patio doors and the historic dining room window). I'd placed a huge order at Smith and Noble some weeks ago during a 40% off sale, and the boxes have been awaiting me on our porch to install. It took hours just to unpack everything and get rid of all the boxes, straps, bubble-wrap and other assorted packaging.

Then -- install. As usual, numerous problems abound: broken drill bit, shades that don't fit as I'd measured, the intended spot to drill a hole turns out to be on a seam, goofy instructions. My wrist is tired from all the screwing and drilling today, but I'm happy that this is finally getting done. Next time we remodel and design rooms, I'll start with the window treatments and work backward from there!

The biggest success is in the office, where we spend a lot of time, and that has a prominent street-facing window. I'm sure our neighbors are just as glad as we are not to have a view into our office at night anymore!


I'm barely halfway done with the installation. Tomorrow, more drilling, measuring, fitting, screwing...I mean, measuring, fitting, drilling and screwing tomorrow -- hmm, maybe that's my problem. Ready, fire, AIM!

7/3/2011