12/16/12 Decorating

The kids and I decorated our Christmas tree today. It was fun, Katrina was so excited! She was dancing around, talking constantly, "Mommy, I'm just so FULL of Christmas happiness!!" Every little thing we did --untangling lights, sweeping up pine needles, finding ornament hooks -- seemed to thrill her.

I still reign over light placement on the tree, but I've completely handed over ornament-hanging to the kids now.

A nice piece of normalcy....I'm looking forward to more!

12/16/12

12/15/12 Cookie-making

I had a peaceful time with Katrina this afternoon, as I eventually relented to dad in our conflict about my afternoon with the boys, in face of threatening words about upcoming ski trips.

Of course, this called for some cookie-making! Katrina is so much fun to work with on these things, she's full of enthusiasm and happy words and laughter.

And cookie-eating of course. With some Nutcracker-watching inbetween while we waited for cookies to cool. What could be more Christmas-y than that?!

I really missed the boys though, they like making cookies too.

12/15/12

12/14/12 The Ballet

Last weekend, dad graciously agreed to let me have a few precious hours of his time with Katrina, to take her to a performance of the San Jose Youth Ballet's Nutcracker. But then, to my amazement, when Julian heard about it, he wanted to go too?! Whoever heard of an almost-9-year-old boy anxious to see a ballet? But, OK!

I was so grateful that dad allowed them both to go with me, giving up some of his precious Saturday afternoon time with them. That was so greatly generous and appreciated.

This wasn't exactly a professional performance, but no less time and love went into it. I knew about it from a longtime friend, who was actually in it herself, in a non-dancing role. Also, her 5th-grade daughter was in it, in three non-dancing roles this year. They've done this together for the past three years, and I can see what a wonderful thing it is to do for a family. Their sweet Dad acted as an usher and general helper, and I had a chance to catch up with him before the performance and during the intermission, which was great.

Julian and Katrina and I went to the Saturday 6pm performance, and it was absolutely wonderful. I had more fun at this than I ever had at a truly "professional" Nutcracker performance!

For starters, the audience was mostly family and friends of the performers, and was wonderfully animated and enthusiastic. It was held at the San Jose Mexican Heritage Theatre -- not a stuffy venue at all, in fact, sort of in a not-great area in San Jose. We had to park pretty far and walk in the dark from the weird parking lot to get in there.

Katrina was pretty reserved during the show, but Julian was actually rocking and grooving to the music!! I thought his favorite part was the Mouse King and the fight scene, but later he told me his favorite was "the girl in the red bikini" -- the always-sensual "Arabian Coffee" (pretty sure this music was also in Fantasia, though I forget where). I think Julian liked that one as a favorite mostly because of the classic genie-like costume with the halter-top.

I did have one complaint though -- which proved to be unfounded. One of my absolute favorite pieces, Waltz of the Flowers, was choreographed with a soloist during the three "chorus" sections of that piece. Nooo!! The Flowers can't be stationary during that part! That's now how I remember it!!

But, memories are fickle things. Even the gold standard shows, at best, two pairs during the "chorus" part -- and still with most of the Flowers standing idly by.

Barishnikov/Kirkland Waltz Of the Flowers

Ahh, I so love watching this ballet. All three kids watched these excerpts with me too, and were riveted.

The amazing thing about it is, ballet is so hard to do, but I recognize -- and worse -- have done almost every move in it myself, and can name most of them. Incredibly, most of those moves in a super-professional advanced ballet are practiced in plain old intermediate ballet classes, as I took for many years -- just at a much, much, much higher level. That's not so true for hip-hop or jazz, where many of the moves just aren't attainable by the ordinary masses like myself. But there's nearly nothing in this lovely, beautiful, supremely danced Waltz of the Flowers that I haven't done too....just very very badly.

(....and right-oriented....I notice even Gelsey Kirkland does all her turns to the right -- all of them. What if you're left-oriented, like I am? It's as odd as being asked to write with the wrong hand. Well, good thing I was never professional --in baseball being backward is is a good thing, but not so much in dance.)

Funny thing is, years ago, I read Gelsey Kirkland's biography, from which I learned that during the filming of this classic Nutcracker, she had a cocaine habit and a very dysfunctional relationship with Baryshnikov. As angelic and perfect as she looks in the videos, the real story is that nothing is perfect, and everyone has their secrets!

Still, it was so nice to see a delightful Nutcracker with two of my children -- what is more Christmas-y than that?!

12/14/12

12/13/12 VIP Visit! -- for AIDAN!

Hey hockey nephew -- look who came to visit at my office!!

This was no imposter, he's the real Sharkie, San Jose Sharks mascot -- straight from the San Jose HP Pavilion! (My company sells a whole lot of HP stuff, so we have special status.)

Then again, it's looking like poor old Sharkie won't have much to do this season anyway (NHL Lockout )....but I'm always happy to help him out!

12/13/12

12/13/12 Gaming the system

One thing they warn you about with two households is kids manipulating the parents against each other. Actually, they do that in one household too, but it's easier to get away with in two. Gabriel and Katrina aren't crafty types by nature, but Julian has a little of that in him. And he's learning to work it.

Yesterday morning, the boys got into a horrendous conflict, involving an old camera phone that dad gave Julian. The boys were messing around taking pictures of their below-the-waist parts instead of getting dressed for school. I scolded them numerous times to stop and get dressed, but they just kept laughing and showing each other their porn pictures. Next thing I knew, something had gone wrong and Julian was shrieking because Gabriel had attacked him, and they were going at it fighting. It was now past 8:00am and still weren't dressed.

I took the camera phone and ordered them both to get dressed. I had to stand over Gabriel while he seethed, something about Julian breaking a promise. I stood guard between them until Gabriel was dressed and out of the room.

Downstairs, Gabriel attacked Julian again -- again something about a broken promise -- more fist exchanges, shoving, name-calling. I had to stand guard again between them again as the clock ticked away on a rainy morning, which always adds 5 precious minutes to drop-off time.

Gabriel left the breakfast table, but held us up again when it was time to go -- where was he? I ran upstairs to find him hiding in my bathroom -- with Julian's phone, deleting a photo or something. I must have set it down and he found it. And he still wasn't ready for school.

I took Julian's phone from Gabriel and stuck it in my pocket, then told him that if he hadn't been attacking Julian, I'd be talking to him now about his complaint. I told him I understood that he was very upset about something Julian did, but we really had to leave and would have to settle it later.

Somehow I got the boys piled into the car (Katrina was peacefully waiting, buckled in) and we drove to school in stony silence, arriving just in time. It had been a bad morning. I hate that, because I had to say goodbye to them: dad was picking them up that night and I wouldn't see them again until Friday night.

That night, I got a text from dad. Julian had been talking to dad about his phone. The message said that the camera phone dad gave to Julian is very special to him (Julian), that Julian was proud to show it to me, and that Julian said it'd been taken from him -- could we please have it returned.

Nice going, kid!

I love the twist about how he was proud to show me his phone. Hardly -- he was using it to take butthole photos!

Actually, for once I hadn't even officially confiscated it -- I hadn't gotten that far. Usually my confiscations are a grandiose affair, with big gestures and grim pronouncements and stern ultimatums -- a big show. This time, I just stuck the thing in my pocket when I found Gabriel with it.

And thank goodness I did. Imagine if Julian had taken it to school, and it had been discovered filled with photos of little-boy-private-parts?! Cripes.

But Julian knew what to do. Leaving out the part where he and Gabriel were doing toe-touches to shoot their best version of a colonscopy, he wailed to dad to swoop in on his white horse and rescue him from Mean Old Mother (hmm, now we know the acronym expansion for "mom"!). This isn't the first time he's fudged facts in his favor and and tried to undermine the authority and decisions of the other parent. It's just so much easier now.

Of course, I'm not buying it. Julian has to work out the return of his phone with me. That discussion will start with what constitutes appropriate photography (let's just say...leave out the anatomically-correct fraternal 'X's please!), and end with yet another token agreement from him to get ready for school without being told 100 times. And maybe one about making promises to your fist-wielding older brother.

12/13/12

12/12/12 Zorro Stories

A new favorite pasttime is telling "Zorro Stories." Our two cats are very very different from each other, even though they're mother and son. We like to tease the son that he's not exactly the brightest bulb in chandelier.

Like this. He likes to hide under a blanket to ambush Meow-Stache.

But forgets about his tail! Some hiding!

She's onto him though. Then when he does succeed in pouncing on her, he gets a mouthful of fur, and spends ten minutes trying to pffthooof it off his mouth. Tough without fingers!

They sure fight a lot. Sometimes it's for real; other times you can hear purring.

Fortunately, Meow-stache has plenty of hiding places.

Ahhh, finally, a catnap.

And a place to hide from my pesky son. But there will surely be another Zorro Story to tell tomorrow!

12/12/12

12/11/12 Birthstones

Julian stunned me yesterday with a total out-of-the-blue kid question: "Mom, where's your wedding ring?"

Ulp, what?! I answered him quickly, "Why do you ask?"

He said, "I don't know, I just want it...just so I can have a piece of Mom."

The sound of my heart shattering into a million pieces could probably be heard from Alaska.

Expertly, I gathered myself, smiled, hugged him deeply, and said, "You ALWAYS have me!!" Then....flash.... "what I need is a 'mother's ring' -- so I always have a piece of you!"

This led to a fun discussion of birthstones, whose month was what birthstone, and what color each one was. I ended up printing Katrina (who is very category-oriented) a page that listed the birthstones and photos of each one.

Thanks goodness December has been upgraded from turquoise to something semi-transparent -- that makes "mother's rings" a little more palatable. Turquoise was fun searching for on the streets of Cripple Creek, Colorado in 1974, but I'm a little "done" with that as something to wear...for now.

That particular photo doesn't show traditional "opal" for October though...I can't find the actual one I printed for Katrina...so if anyone asks about her birthstone -- and she will remember - it's "opal" !

12/11/12

12/11/12 Communication troubles, redux

Well, my last post was quite the stepping-out! But cathartic....I guess. Finally, a tiny peep into my REAL world. Somehow, dishing publicly makes me feel a little less alone, less isolated, less misunderstood....and a little less guilty about leaning on just a very few very kind understanding people. (and you know who you are!!)

I've always believed that in the end, the truth comes out -- but that "end" seems so so far away. Meantime, the high road has been an impossibly steep climb.

Not surprisingly, yesterday's exchange didn't end there. This morning I got another text message from dad, quoting yesterday's blog post (he's reading my blog?!)

Shall we tabulate and balance our "designated, rightful, precious, unfettered time with them"? If so, after the Dec.30-Jan.6 ski trip we should have no problem with a few hours at the museum. Please just let me know how you wish to coordinate this accounting so this will be easier in the future. Thanks."

Frankly, I really have no idea what that means....at worst it almost looks like a veiled threat to withdraw agreement for a ski trip I'd planned last August -- before he moved out -- for the kids' Winter Recess. At best...well, I really don't know.

But what's really striking -- to me -- is the ridiculing overtone created by "quoting" my heartfelt adjectives. How is it that quotes do that? "....rightful, precious" -- somehow the quotes add a sneering, condescending tone. I'm sure to outside eyes, I'm overblowing it. But not to his. He knows how to hurt me. I should be really used to having my feelings jeered at by now, but so far, I'm no better at brushing it off than I ever was.

The problem with our exchanges are so subtle, so pervasive. It's such a challenge describing to people what I'm truly up against. Without actually seeing the words, it's nearly impossible to convey the problems. Other people's views, opinions, advice, guidance, have always fallen just shy of seeing the actual words.

I'm sure I see and feel them more deeply than anyone. We certainly understood each others' language from the very beginning....arguably, it brought us together. A good friend told me once, with sardonic irony, that what brings people together initially often ends up being exactly what drives them apart. That was never more true than here.

Is it right for me to post his texts here? The breach of privacy weighs on me. No more so than because he violated my own privacy so deeply, so frequently, in so many ways, to so many people, in so many forums. So I'm very very sensitive to that. It's wrong. But I guess this one last time I can rationalize it by saying that right now, it's called for. I'm so tired of suffering in silence. I don't know how else to convey what I'm dealing with.

Regardless, I don't expect our communications will remain "private" for long. I'm searching for a way to convey facts and negotiate exchanges in a supervised, monitored, moderated, public forum. I think that's the best remedy to these painful, counterproductive exchanges: having someone ELSE intervene and tell us both what's right and what's wrong to say and do. I think a set of ground rules need to be established, and a neutral party enforce them. "Counseling" was already proven an abject failure -- I'm not interested in communicating my feelings beyond: "Stop involving the kids in our conflicts." I can't seem to persuade him of this -- perhaps someone else can.

But I well understand that these p*ssing matches are about as interesting to you all as knitting discussions, so I won't torment you all much more with them. And there's so much more to life than this -- I'm certainly ready for that!

12/11/12

12/10/12 Communication troubles

I've been quiet in my blog lately. Partly, I write a lot outside the blog now -- email, or just to myself. Writing has always helped me cope, and never moreso now.

Blog or not, behind the scenes, I'm struggling terribly with this new "co-parent" world. The kids' lives -- and mine -- have been torn in half, split between two places, two worlds. So far the kids seem OK, but I'm having a terrible time communicating with their dad.

"Communication is so important," everyone keeps telling me. "It's essential to establish a positive flow of communication." Yes. But the medium is only a small part of that -- content matters more. It seems extreme, but our communication is so poor that I had to limit the media in order to constrain the content. Meaning: no more email, it was too destructive. All our kid-logistics are communicated by texting on iPhones. But again, medium isn't the real problem. A situation arose recently that demonstrates this.

I'd agreed weeks ago to let dad take the kids to a once-annual "Psychotronix" movie festival next weekend, a special occasion they did together last year too. His movie-festival evening with them will be on "my" weekend, but so far these little trades haven't been a problem.

But then, he asked to extend that time to the entire Saturday afternoon, as early as noon if I didn't give them lunch. I wasn't comfortable with that -- school-free afternoons are a rare treat these days! I was already giving up my Saturday evening with my kids; I still wanted my afternoon.

But I've become very nervous about saying No. The odds of a harsh ungracious response are just too high. So I consulted with a couple people on composing a straightforward response, and waited until I had some support before answering. I knew there was a good chance he'd strike back, and I wasn't disappointed.

This is the exchange that ensued (via text):

Me:
Sat Dec 15th: Sorry, we have plans that afternoon. Please pick up @6:30pm as planned, and return them to Parnell, thanks.

Dave:
What plans? - Julian

Dave:
Conflicting plans mystery to Gabriel as well. I told them we'd try to arrange another time that they could go to the Computer History Museum. At least they can still go to the Psychotronix [ movie festival ].

Me:
In general, we should confirm first with each other before telling kids about possible event during other parents' time. It is not fair to kids or parent who has to say 'no.'

Dave:
Open channels of communication will make it much easier to juggle challenges such as gauging interest with coordinating schedules.

(other related discussion occurred too, but that's the main thread.)

I was stunned. I've come to expect this, but it never fails to lacerate me anyway.

It might look benign to the uninitiated reader, but not only did dad tell the kids about his plan for the afternoon with them before confirming with me, but then he let Julian ask me what my plans were -- opening the door for a challenge. And since when is my designated time with them "coordinating schedules?" And "at least" they can still have the time I'd agreed to give up? Thanks a lot!

It makes sense to check with the kids first before asking the other parent to forfeit time -- gauging interest -- but without psyching the kid up or committing to it. And if the rightful parent does say "no," then the asking parent needs to be gracious: "Lucky you, mom doesn't want to give you up!"

But letting the kid ask me "what plans" is worse than ungracious, it's involving the kids in our conflict. It could create a situation in which the child might say "No, I'd rather do Dad's thing" -- even letting the kid choose which parent to be with, based on who the kid thinks will offer the most fun. Do I need to compete for my time with them now?

The truth is, I had no specific plans. I don't have tickets to an event. I didn't think I needed to. I thought we might get a Christmas tree, maybe make cookies or build a gingerbread house. Maybe we'd play some foosball. Katrina has a birthday party. I'd promised Julian a zoo visit sometime, but now I probably won't do that since they're going out that night.

My "plans" were to be with my children. I never thought I'd have to justify that.

So what about co-parent communication? Dave characterized my time with my children as "conflicting," a "mystery," something to "coordinate." Ouch, zap, stab. *I* thought it was my designated, rightful, precious, unfettered time with them. I never thought it was something that should garner even the slightest hint of complaint or questioning.

I want so so much not to be subjected to these contentious, unnecessary, painful interactions anymore. They've been such a hindrance, such a problem in the "communication" that everyone keeps reminding me is so important. But what can I do? I certainly can't go back to pages of it in email again.

I know someday the stabs will just roll off my back, that I'll develop a thicker skin...that someday I'll just roll my eyes and ignore them as they should be. But I'm too weak now. The wounds are too fresh and so very very deep...and get opened anew when my kids get pulled in.

To me, this is the main communication problem. Not text v. email. Basic consideration and common courtesy would say that the right answer to "Sorry, no," is simply, "ok, I'll pick them up at 6:30pm."

Even the simplest interaction can become so painful and difficult. I'm desperately seeking outside consultation.

12/10/12

12/2/12 Country Report

Whew! Another 3rd-grade "Country Report" completed! These are no mean feats!

For those who recall, Gabriel's "country report" was about Canada, and for the "project" he picked a cooking project of the 'Nanaimo Bar.' That led to his choosing Vancouver BC for our 10yo trip destination, and we went to the real Nanaimo, B.C in search of Nanaimo bars!

Julian, interestingly, picked Argentina -- mostly because he'd heard me play the musical "Evita." But what fun and fascinating country to study, with a rich and diverse history and cultures.

"Country Reports" are always very involved projects, requiring an essay, presentation, project, a flag rendition and preparation to talk about the flag. And this time, it was with Julian.

The hardest part with Julian is the essay -- it's hard with any kid, but words don't flow so easily for him. He likes to read and certainly picks things up from reading, but in his mind there's a huge chasm between reading something and putting it into a sentence. He has a hard time organizing his sentences too, like he'll make a reference to the tango without saying first it's a dance.

So I work with him in numerous ways, starting by having him just talk to me. For instance, one of the things Julian found most interesting about Argentina was the gauchos, or legendary cowboys. I ask him about them, I get him to describe the gauchos to me, we look stuff up together, read about them together -- in the case of tango, look at videos of it. Then when he has to write, it's more in his head and has an easier time making it to paper. Still, it takes a lot of time and creativity to get him to concentrate, to balance momentum and burn-out. We'd started on the content some time ago, but opportunity (catching him in a good moment) and continuity is a big challenge now.

I've also learned when Julian needs breaks and mind-shifts. Partly as incentive and partly as a moment-breaker, I'll take him for a walk to a nearby market to get bananas for his cooking project.

I also taught him a silly "tango," which we showed it to Bonne Maman and Papa Paul over Facetime (yayy!). I think they enjoyed our goofy demonstration!

It was a hard sell, but finally, finally, Julian finished his essay about Argentina late Saturday night. That should have been the easy part -- just a final draft copy -- but even for that, he has a very hard time copying from a marked-up draft. In the end, I ended up dictating the final paragraph so he could copy it.

But once he finished the essay, he'd tasted success and was on a rolllllll -- he copied his recipe, and worked on his flag (finishing the coloring, cutting it out and pasting it, and practicing talking about the flag's origins).

Mercifully, Julian chose a cooking project over a diorama or a cultural dance (though in retrospect a tango would have been fun to do together!!), as the "project" part of this report. I bought a book on Argentine recipes and we spent an afternoon poring over it, and he chose "banana empanadas" to do for his project for his class -- perfect.

Today, Julian and I made the second round of banana empanadas, partly to take photos for his "project board," a paper layout of with his hand-written recipe, and photos of the project, for this report. This meant making pastry again, plus the banana filling.

Julian has always liked one-on-one projects, so despite a rough start, we ended up having a nice time together this afternoon.

In spite of my quelled irritation at the school for having to do all this, in the end, as usual, it was OK to do together. We both learned a lot about Argentina, and the experience, tough as it was along the way, was a win.

Julian with his essay, flag, and recipe poster board....whew! His presentation is sometime this week, so there's still some practicing to do -- and we have yet more banana empanadas to make!

Now, will Julian decide that his 10yo trip should be to Buenos Aires?! ...... I wouldn't mind!

12/2/12

11/19/12 Kitty Warning

I got home today and it was pretty quiet....until Zorro started meowing insistently. He'll make a pathetic little mew from time to time, but never this consistent. He wouldn't quit! I had no idea what was wrong.

I was puzzled why Meow-stache wasn't around, but she hides a lot these days, so I didn't think much of it. Usually she follows me around when the kids aren't home, but who knows with a cat. Special as she is to me, really, she's just a cat.

After spending the evening working and taking care of office things, I finally did a thorough check of downstairs, then went upstairs. I checked around, and then discovered....Katrina's door was closed. This door has a tendency to shut itself unless it's completely open, and then the tiniest nudge can put it into a position to swing shut.

I opened Katrina's door, and was met immediately with a horrific stench, and then a black-and-white streak zooming out past me downstairs. Meow-stache was stuck in there!

Oh my gosh, I felt terrible. She'd pooped on the floor and rug, peed on Katrina's bed (which thankfully still has a night-training protector on it), and obviously was hungry. She was probably trapped in there all day!

I did a hasty but thorough cleanup, and then went to make up with my new friend, who forgave me immediately with purrs and rubs. Meantime, I swore to myself that I'd find a way to fix this troublesome door, that has had a tendency to close itself since we first moved in here.

The thing that really freaked me out later was remembering that Zorro had made such a big fuss when first I got home. He was clearly trying to tell me that something was wrong, but being a cat and all, wasn't very articulate. I'll be sure to take him seriously next time!

11/19/12

11/18/12 Pie Playdate

What happens when two moms and bakers (bake-stresses??) get chatting in email about the finer points of pastry-making, from cold butter, shortening, tools, and pre-baking the shells? Why, what else, besides a Pie Playdate!

S. has some serious credentials, having been trained in a British home-ec class, and with a deep cake-decorating background, and being known for making beautiful pies. We're talking about a San Francisco Giants Pumpkin-Carving Contest winner after all! So I was psyched to get some professional-level guidance!

First, the fillings. I had some wonderful help with this too. Katrina measured all the spices for a pumpkin pie, measured the heavy cream, cracked the eggs, and mixed it all together. "You only made the pastry!" she declared later.

I lost count of how many pie crusts we made, but it was quite a few. Some were butter-only, some with shortening, some with the fabulous ingredient of vodka. The end-results was that the vodka pastries came out the best (flakiest) in the end, but were the hardest to work with.

S. is also very creative about form factor, making pies that looked like muffins and loafs! I stuck to ordinary 9" circular things. It turned out that the best test of pie crusts were so-called "railroad cookies," which are simply leftover dough rolled out, and sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon.

In the end, we had a whole lot of pies made -- and more than met our objective of exploring the best way to make them! Chris Kimball, here we are!

Oh yeah, meantime, our children? We'd planned to park them in front of the TV with some Indiana Jones movies, but they had so much fun playing outdoors with balls and bats (S's son is a serious baseball player; Julian had no idea what hit him!), they ended up walking to a nearby park and doing plain old normal KID-things together.

That regrettably included a conspiracy to conceal a broken glass bottle, run over deliberately by a bicycle, with one kid getting cut trying to hide the evidence and clandestinely securing a band-aid. But that's still healthier than zoning out in front of a screen on a gorgeous afternoon, right?

All in all, a fabulous and productive day!

11/18/12

11/16/12 Snow Stuff

This is a new annual ritual, but it has to happen -- and this one is pretty fun. The kids have to try on all their snow stuff from last year, and find out what's missing, outgrown or just never worked.

That doesn't mean they're very happy about the requisite photo though!!

After a record-breakingly abysmal last year snow-wise, several ski resorts around Tahoe just OPENED due to early snow!!! That's promising, and I'm PSYCHED!!

My new financial circumstances mean that ski/snow trips must turn from "ok, time to go!" to carefully planned, sacrifices-made luxuries -- but I can't begin to imagine not doing it. Especially seeing Katrina jump up and down about snow. I can't possibly sacrifice this.

Snow came for free for me growing up in the East Coast, but in the unbelievably mild climate we live in, you have to go to the snow -- and I am determined to make that happen, no matter what the tradeoffs are. The experience, the joy, the memories.... they just can't be traded. Snow just feels like a right!

And this year, unlike last year, it's already promising that Mom Nature will cooperate!!

(Alpine Meadows ski resort, yesterday)

11/16/12

11/13/12 The Spelling Test

ARRRGHHHH....Julian, once again, BIG trouble!!

So much for my relenting and offering him incentives for expected -- not even good -- but expected normal behavior. I had told him that with great behavior for the next two weeks, that not only could he go on his next class field trip, but that I'd miss a day of work and volunteer to accompany the field trip -- unlike last week when his behavior was so poor that he was excused from his class field trip and spent the morning sitting in the poor principal's office.

What a shame too -- his first class field trip was a nature/science trip that involved turning over rocks and seeking insect life to examine the health of a creek at a wonderful nearby park -- totally up Julian's alley. But I didn't blame his teacher at all for excusing him from the trip, he knew full well that he was at risk of losing the trip due to classroom behavior.

I hoped that a stern talk and an offer of accompanying his class on the next trip would make for tremendous incentive, but today, Julian rewarded my Grand Ideas by being sent to the principal's office -- and during a spelling test, which I was asked to re-administer this evening. Between phone calls, email, doorbell solicitations, making dinner, and keeping after Mr Delinquent to do his homework, I had enough to deal with, so I was furious about this extra job.

Fortunately, someone else stepped up to the task.

I couldn't believe it, but Julian and Katrina plowed through nearly 40 spelling-test words -- and not super-easy ones either, ones like "outmaneuver" and "tantamount," and written in cursive. Julian even paid Katrina (who'd finished her homework after school at CDC) 50 cents to help -- which I said he couldn't do, but he insisted. Aside from the fact that she agreed to do it -- she was completely undaunted by reading a 3rd-grade-level list of spelling words written in cursive. It's like it doesn't occur to any of them that this might be a little odd.

And I'm pretty sure the parenting magazines don't cover this dilemma -- is it OK to allow your 8yo son to pay his 6yo sister to administer a spelling test he was kicked out of his classroom for????

Well, regardless....I doubt this will register with Julian's teacher as my finest parenting moment...but it just occurred to me that Katrina's 1st-grade teacher should be pretty impressed!!

11/13/12

11/12/12 Bike Swap

Not quite sure how this happened, but I went outside to discover the kids happily playing on bicycles -- but not their own??

Katrina was on Julian's 18" bike, and she loved it.

Julian was on Gabriel's beautiful new mountain bike, which I think is a 24", and looks enormous for both boys:

Gabriel was left with the very original 12" bike he got from REI so many years ago, which he accepted good-heartedly so his younger siblings could play on the bigger bikes. That $100 investment of a "good" bike was way worth it!

(April 2005, 7 years ago, when Gabriel was 3 and Julian wasn't even walking yet:)

We'd always had a slightly different view of bicycles than many families, seeing them as communal resources to be used as fit for a given member -- so, not "gifts" or "mine," but rather, "use what fits you now." That's much easier to implement when the oldest is a boy and there's no pink involved, and when Dad scrounges bikes from neighbors discarding them.

Now that there are two households, I see no reason to diverge from this perspective -- indeed it becomes a practical economic reality. Bikes, ski boots, jackets -- it's all in one, guys. So I'm glad to see you sharing!

11/12/12

11/11/12 Belated Birthday

It was late, but finally, Katrina's birthday party happened today, on Sunday Nov. 11th. The great part was splitting the party with her longtime friend Dylan, at Sky High Sports, the trampoline place. This is by far the best place to have birthday parties!

As kids get older, lives diverge....Dylan is far, far more athletic and would have nothing at all to do with the "little kids" area (for 8 and under), where Katrina and her 2 friends ended up spending all their time. But 2 friends proved to be a perfect number of kids. Both Dylan and Katrina invited 4 friends each, for a total of 10 kids, but the difference between the two kids' schools really showed here.

Most of Katrina's invitees had classes on Sunday morning; but Dylan goes to a more diverse school and had less trouble finding friends without prior commitments on Sunday morning (though Dylan and his siblings lead very rich lives themselves, unlike Katrina!)

Katrina was so excited about her party, and picked out a dress that she's never worn before. Of course it's a hand-me-down, do I ever buy her lovely dresses?! No!

She also chose heavy knit brown tights to wear under this light summer floral dress! I hear some moms are bugged by stuff like this; I think it's hilarious, I love it. Look how absolutely lovely and happy my beautiful, fantastic, funny daughter is!

Since so many of her friends couldn't attend, I ended up filling the spots with brothers.

The trampoline place is a fantastic way to wear out little boys though. It's phenomenal how mellow they all are afterward!

It was a terrific party for all. I spent much more time yakking with Moms than jumping, as I'd planned for, but given how my last visit to this place ended (hobbling out with a cane after my trick back tricked out....owch), this was probably just as well.

I'm really sold on "smaller" parties for kids -- two to four friends is really the way to go. This was total fun -- thank you Dylan, and Dylan's Mom!

11/11/12

11/10/12 The Bunch

At the risk of repeating myself, one of the reasons I'm especially glad we got two cats is that their personalities are really, really different. Meow-stache is a wonderful companion for me, but she's getting increasingly nervous around the kids.

Unfortunately, the kids are hard to persuade that when Meow-stache hisses, to leave her alone -- and for a long time, like hours or even the rest of the day. Katrina didn't heed this last week, and got scratched when she reached out to the fearful kitty, who was hiding under a chair, even after that very clear warning.

Zorro, on the other hand, is very relaxed with them!

I'm still pinching myself that it worked out so well, that the kids got one and I got one. If only I could find her!

11/10/12

11/8/12 Losing it

I patted Julian's knapsack today, and it was light. Where was the nifty fabulous pocket fold-up rain-jacket I got from Land's End, that fit perfectly into a knapsack front pocket? Missing, of course.

This is infuriating. Julian has already lost 3 lunch bags this year too. Even aside from the confusion of two homes, he leaves things behind like no one's business. Katrina and Gabriel combined have lost half the number of things Julian has.

So what to do? It's easy to say "fine, let him go without a jacket" -- but in practice, that's not so easy. Teachers and other parents make comments; it affects his going on field trips, being outdoors, whatever. A cold kid is far less cooperative, and making him "suffer" all winter long with no jacket has no practical effect -- he still loses stuff right and left.

The lunch bags are also annoying -- I could give him paper lunch bags every day, but those are a much bigger hassle for me than real lunch bags (that he keeps losing), and I'm not about to reward him with pizza-hot-lunch and chocolate milk for losing lunch bags. Fortunately, those are inexpensive enough that I can insist he "buy" new ones with lost allowance.

Last summer, for daycamps, I tethered sunscreen to his knapsack, by punching a hole in the crimp and using a coil keychain to attach it to his knapsack. Great idea, right? Except then he left behind his whole knapsack, tethered sunscreen and all!!

Is there a remedy for a chronic loser?!

11/8/12

11/6/12 The Companion and The Playmate

An unexpected benefit -- or safety? -- of getting two cats is that you have better coverage for possible roles.

For us, that means that it turns out that Zorro is indeed becoming the "playcat" for the kids, while Mommy-Meowstache is a better companion for me.

In fact, to my surprise, the Mommy-kitty is downright nervous around the kids -- hiding all the time, and even hissing at them sometimes when they try to intrude into her safehouses under furniture. Katrina got scratched the other day, minutes after she'd been soundly warned by a hiss -- which I'm sure she'll heed next time!

Mommy-kitty was nothing like this in the kitty adoption room, and it even so happened that I brought a kid with me to confirm (well, ok, my friend brought her kid, but still, an 8-year-old was present) -- and there was no sign of concern).

I should note that Gabriel reports no trouble with Mommy-Meowstache, and he spends a lot of time hanging with her alone when he gets home from school -- but she's hissed at him a few times if there's another kid around. She hisses at Zorro the most though, so maybe she's just fussy.

Even now, I'd say that Mommy-Meowstache is fine with the kids if they just observe her behavior and back off and stay backed off. But that's no fun for a kid! So thank goodness there is the brave, playful, social out-there Zorro to play with.

Meantime, when the kids are in bed, I'm quite happy to have the Mommy-kitty emerge from her enclaves and follow me around, purring constantly.

She's by far the more complex character -- much more interested in things outside, investigating suspicious activity, more observant; her play is deadly serious. Zorro spends more time lying on the bed with me and purring, but I think she'd do more of that if he weren't there.

Meantime, I love how when the kids aren't around, she's always checking in on me, almost like she's guarding me. She must know how much I need that right now.

11/6/12

11/2/12 The Vaccum

My Mom, being the best Mom in the world and all, got wind of a recent discussion I'd had with my friends about vaccuum cleaners -- and given that I had new cleaning challenges with cats and all, sent me a superior model. Thanks Mom!

But did anyone really think for a moment that I would bother with drudgerous chores, when there's a perfectly capable mercenary kid around?!

In fact, I'm using the delightful little appliance quite a bit, but I'm still happy to leave the heavy lifting to greedy little boys :).

11/2/12

10/31/12 Halloween Recap

As always, it took some doing -- but the night before Halloween, the kids had their costumes! Gabriel was a pilot, with a costume hijacked from a policeman, with some emblems and a hat added, but the other two had straight store-bought costumes. I have to admit some guilt about that, as well a sadness for missed opportunities -- I used to love making their costumes!

But frankly, of all the things I have to deal with in their lives, I'm afraid that sewing and gluing homemade Halloween costumes have been pushed out of the Top Ten.

This year, Julian was a gladiator (which was great), Gabriel was a pilot, and Katrina wanted to be a cat, but had to settle for a tiger.

Among countless others, the major-est event was the school costume parade.

Somehow, Julian and Katrina's teachers conspired to be the same thing: my new favorite costume idea: a bath squoosh-sponge thing!

This year, the school had a "surprise" for the parents: a flash mob!!

Julian and Katrina let on that there was a "special surprise" for parents, so with their poorly concealed "hints" I was able to to piece together that some brave soul at the school had somehow taken on the monumental task of coordinating five grades of four classes each, into a dance routine!!!!!!

It's impossible to see in the photos - and especially hard to take photos with all the parents blocking the view with massive video cameras (what will they do with all that video??) -- but this was pretty cute to watch.

I was barely able to see Katrina's half-hearted motions, and Julians "all-OVER-it!" sincere full-body performance, as though he was the STAR of the whole show -- but still, it was a huge experience and total fun for them. And me!

It's fun that the whole school shuts down because of Halloween, but, GEEZ, wasn't Halloween just a DAY once in long lost years afore?

Well, I'm not complaining -- employment challenges notwithstanding, and though the Halloween parade is so massive and chaotic, it'd break my heart to miss the moment. And who can pass up a flash mob?!

10/31/21

p.s. lighthearted post notwithstanding, what's really on my mind is that I haven't been able to call my Mom, who lives in now-Hurricane-ravaged lower Manhattan for days. I've been trying many times a day, but Mom's phone isn't working yet. Thank goodness for my dear brother, who's keeping me posted and has assured me that Mom and Paul are well! He's also assured me that my sister and her family are well, or I'd be fretting about them too. Thank you Ronan!

10/31/12 Postponing Halloween?

I should be posting about costumes and candy and parades, regular Halloween stuff. But the more I see in the newspapers about Hurricane Sandy's devastation, the less I can think about that stuff.

It's amazing what's happened on the East Coast, and how many people lost their lives doing ordinary things that my mother could easily have been doing. I haven't been able to contact my Mom for a few days (hi Mom, if you're finally able to read this!), though my brother tells me via texts that she's fine (and thank goodness for him!). Still, I know this is a stressful and scary experience for her and Papa Paul, and I wish I could be there.

And then the governor of New Jersey postponed Halloween! The final straw!

Anyway, just so you East Coasters out there know: I'm thinking about you constantly. Costume and school-parade photos of kids will have to wait, I'm afraid.

10/31/12

10/29/12 The weekend

Whew...almost over. My 2nd weekend alone without my children. I'm amazed how much I miss them.

I was always really low on the "on" scale as compared to most moms....I never do much in the way of sitting and focusing my attention on them. It's more like I miss just having them around -- grouching at them not getting dressed, intervening in the boys' numerous fights, sprinting to rescue Katrina from some-or-other torture from her brothers...and sometimes hearing them happily play, and occasionally even involving myself in it. But there's so much ambient amusement and interaction from us just being together too, and I so miss that.

On the surface, this weekend-to-myself thing seems like what most moms are anxious for. I get to do things in big blocks of time, I have lots of time to myself, peace and quiet -- things most moms can only dream of. And indeed, I make the most of it -- I've always been fine being alone.

But I'm sure looking forward to "my" weekend. Sometimes it feels like the kids are just visitors, and like I'm just a half-time mom.

I wonder, do they miss me? I doubt it, kids are much more focused on themselves, and they're not away from me long enough to really feel it. I don't want them to feel like they miss their mother, that's a big deal for a kid. But I sure miss them.

I know we'll all adjust to this new on-and-off schedule, but so far it's a much tough adjustment for me than I expected.

10/29/12