2/12/07 Mom caves

I screwed up the day from the beginning.

Against my nap religion, I took Katrina to the Y this morning, hoping for a quick workout before she took her solid reliable morning nap. But when I picked her up from the Childwatch, the lady told me cheerily that Katrina had just woken up. Meaning, she got a brief snooze. The Childwatch ladies actually try to get the babies to sleep, figuring this is a good thing. And it is, for them.

But for me, disaster. Though I was glad for my quick workout, I paid dearly. Other than another 5-minute doze-off in the car on the way to pick up Julian, Katrina didn't nap again for 5 solid hours. That's an eternity for a baby, especially having essentially missed a morning nap!

After picking the boys up this afternoon, I took all three kids grocery shopping. I didn't want Katrina to fall asleep in the stroller, thinking foolishly that she'd have a better chance of taking a nap at home, so I carried her in the sling. She did fine, and even smiled weakly at people, though she was very very tired at the time. I thought I was really pushing it and that she'd zonk the moment we'd get home. Hah.

I was determined, at first, to get her to nap without the pacifier. But it became clear after many hours, including some futile crying alone in the bassinet, that she was way, way overtired and only continued to work herself up.

Now what? Do I stick out the learning moment, or cut my losses and do whatever it takes to get her past it?

(I might remind you the kind readers who don't have 4-month-old babies at the moment how stressful a tired baby is. They don't sit gurgling in a bouncer, they cry and fuss and cause intense stress for Mom. 5 minutes of that is intense, so 5 hours of it can drive you out of your mind.)

Desperate, I gave her the pacifier, and within minutes, she'd calmed down and was asleep. That answers that. The 5-hour nap drought was finally over. I thought.

I lay down right away, something I'd been waiting for all morning. Fighting a migraine, this day would have felt a whole lot different for me if Katrina had allowed me even just 20 minutes of a nap myself.

But it didn't end there. 15 minutes into her long-overdue nap, Katrina woke up suddenly, crying. Pacifier. 5 minutes later, more crying. Pacifier again. Instants later, more crying. More pacifier.

An all-too-familiar cycle. Not again! I gave up, picked her up and figured we'd just have to wait it out until the next nap. But she was way, way tired. I nursed her, put her down -- cried again. I threw up my hands and gave her the evil pacifier one more time.

And now she's been asleep long enough for me to type this tale, about 30 minutes. A record so far today.

Meantime, Gabriel fell asleep on the family room floor, in quite the odd position (knees up, hands under his back), and Julian is thankfully taking his nap too. All three asleep at the same time -- a hard-won victory.

I should have skipped the Y this morning. In fact, I need to stop going anywhere in the mornings until we get nighttime sleep and daytime naps straightened out. No more messing up naps. But I really want to go to the park tomorrow at 10:30 for a little Valentine's Day thing with my mom's group. Smack dab when baby needs her most solid nap of the day. I don't know how to make that happen.

What guilt today. Guilt at letting her cry. Guilt at using the pacifier. Guilt listening to a radio interview with an author who wrote about her experience with cancer and infertility. Here all these women call into the show to share their heartbreak with miscarriage and not getting pregnant, and I'm complaining about life with a bounding, healthy, lively baby I didn't even try for, at an age of drastically reduced ovarian function.

Then there's an article I came across while cleaning out old stacks of magazines, one copied from Mothering magazine and handed out at prenatal yoga, about babies "crying it out." According to this article, studies correlate even five minutes of crying alone to a damaged psyche, detachment to parents, and all sorts of problems later in life. That kind of guilt I really don't need.(Well, attempted guilt on the part of the authors, as I do know the difference between correlation and causation. Mothering magazine is full of weak claims that don't stand up to methodological scrutiny.)

And what about last night?

After an hour and twenty minutes of crying, with some breaks, and a lot of me picking her up and comforting her (moreso to comfort me than her!), Katrina cried herself to sleep. That's the first -- and so far only -- time. She woke up once at 3am, nursed eagerly, and went right back to sleep. That's one well-justified wakeup. That furthers my conviction that the pacifier is causing the nighttime wakeup problems. Two nights, no pacifier, and her sleep is completely different.

Yet out came the pacifier again today when I couldn't take the suffering anymore -- mine nor hers. I can't do that again, it only makes it worse for both of us. I think I'd have managed today if I'd been able to get 20 minutes myself this morning, just enough to tip the migraine battle in my favor. Migraines and momhood don't mix.

All this sleep angst doesn't make for very enjoyable reading, does it. The writing of it is essential for me though. On the surface, that seems counterintuitive -- why relive it?!

So, some fun baby news:

Katrina made her first raspberry today! The times today she was her usual buoyant self, she made all sorts of adorable sounds, including raspberries and variants. This provides no end of amusement to her brothers, of course. And it's a welcome moment of baby love for wiped-out Mom.

2/12/07

2/12/07 Mom caves

I screwed up the day from the beginning.

Against my nap religion, I took Katrina to the Y this morning, hoping for a quick workout before she took her solid reliable morning nap. But when I picked her up from the Childwatch, the lady told me cheerily that Katrina had just woken up. Meaning, she got a brief snooze. The Childwatch ladies actually try to get the babies to sleep, figuring this is a good thing. And it is, for them.

But for me, disaster. Though I was glad for my quick workout, I paid dearly. Other than another 5-minute doze-off in the car on the way to pick up Julian, Katrina didn't nap again for 5 solid hours. That's an eternity for a baby, especially having essentially missed a morning nap!

After picking the boys up this afternoon, I took all three kids grocery shopping. I didn't want Katrina to fall asleep in the stroller, thinking foolishly that she'd have a better chance of taking a nap at home, so I carried her in the sling. She did fine, and even smiled weakly at people, though she was very very tired at the time. I thought I was really pushing it and that she'd zonk the moment we'd get home. Hah.

I was determined, at first, to get her to nap without the pacifier. But it became clear after many hours, including some futile crying alone in the bassinet, that she was way, way overtired and only continued to work herself up.

Now what? Do I stick out the learning moment, or cut my losses and do whatever it takes to get her past it?

(I might remind you the kind readers who don't have 4-month-old babies at the moment how stressful a tired baby is. They don't sit gurgling in a bouncer, they cry and fuss and cause intense stress for Mom. 5 minutes of that is intense, so 5 hours of it can drive you out of your mind.)

Desperate, I gave her the pacifier, and within minutes, she'd calmed down and was asleep. That answers that. The 5-hour nap drought was finally over. I thought.

I lay down right away, something I'd been waiting for all morning. Fighting a migraine, this day would have felt a whole lot different for me if Katrina had allowed me even just 20 minutes of a nap myself.

But it didn't end there. 15 minutes into her long-overdue nap, Katrina woke up suddenly, crying. Pacifier. 5 minutes later, more crying. Pacifier again. Instants later, more crying. More pacifier.

An all-too-familiar cycle. Not again! I gave up, picked her up and figured we'd just have to wait it out until the next nap. But she was way, way tired. I nursed her, put her down -- cried again. I threw up my hands and gave her the evil pacifier one more time.

And now she's been asleep long enough for me to type this tale, about 30 minutes. A record so far today.

Meantime, Gabriel fell asleep on the family room floor, in quite the odd position (knees up, hands under his back), and Julian is thankfully taking his nap too. All three asleep at the same time -- a hard-won victory.

I should have skipped the Y this morning. In fact, I need to stop going anywhere in the mornings until we get nighttime sleep and daytime naps straightened out. No more messing up naps. But I really want to go to the park tomorrow at 10:30 for a little Valentine's Day thing with my mom's group. Smack dab when baby needs her most solid nap of the day. I don't know how to make that happen.

What guilt today. Guilt at letting her cry. Guilt at using the pacifier. Guilt listening to a radio interview with an author who wrote about her experience with cancer and infertility. Here all these women call into the show to share their heartbreak with miscarriage and not getting pregnant, and I'm complaining about life with a bounding, healthy, lively baby I didn't even try for, at an age of drastically reduced ovarian function.

Then there's an article I came across while cleaning out old stacks of magazines, one copied from Mothering magazine and handed out at prenatal yoga, about babies "crying it out." According to this article, studies correlate even five minutes of crying alone to a damaged psyche, detachment to parents, and all sorts of problems later in life. That kind of guilt I really don't need.(Well, attempted guilt on the part of the authors, as I do know the difference between correlation and causation. Mothering magazine is full of weak claims that don't stand up to methodological scrutiny.)

And what about last night?

After an hour and twenty minutes of crying, with some breaks, and a lot of me picking her up and comforting her (moreso to comfort me than her!), Katrina cried herself to sleep. That's the first -- and so far only -- time. She woke up once at 3am, nursed eagerly, and went right back to sleep. That's one well-justified wakeup. That furthers my conviction that the pacifier is causing the nighttime wakeup problems. Two nights, no pacifier, and her sleep is completely different.

Yet out came the pacifier again today when I couldn't take the suffering anymore -- mine nor hers. I can't do that again, it only makes it worse for both of us. I think I'd have managed today if I'd been able to get 20 minutes myself this morning, just enough to tip the migraine battle in my favor. Migraines and momhood don't mix.

All this sleep angst doesn't make for very enjoyable reading, does it. The writing of it is essential for me though. On the surface, that seems counterintuitive -- why relive it?!

So, some fun baby news:

Katrina made her first raspberry today! The times today she was her usual buoyant self, she made all sorts of adorable sounds, including raspberries and variants. This provides no end of amusement to her brothers, of course. And it's a welcome moment of baby love for wiped-out Mom.

2/12/07

2/11/07 Katrina's pacifier-free day

WHAT A NIGHT.

Holy Cow.

Last night, after putting Katrina to bed the usual way, she woke up about an hour later, tired, grumpy, but refused to take the pacifier again and go to sleep. I took a deep breath, braced myself and said, "OK baby, this is it."

Swaddled her, held her, shushed her, rubbed her back, put her down, and left the room.

And so the crying started. I quickly remembered how we did this with Julian, giving myself time limits so it was bearable; and checking on her when the crying sounded too stressed (as opposed to increasing time intervals a la Ferber). Once again, the dilemmas presented themselves immediately. After investing 20 minutes in crying, now what -- give her the pacifier again? Then what was the point of the crying? But how long should it go on?

I kept extending the time to let her cry, straining and praying for it to peter out, to no avail. I checked her frequently, picking her up, holding her (more for my sake than hers), shushing her, rubbing her back. I recall from attempts with Gabriel that interrupting his momentum helped, and he'd calm down, but Katrina has never been soothed by holding, and remained tense and rigid.

After an hour and 20 minutes, I gave up. I picked her up, held her, and she was calm, but very sober and tense. Not sure what to do, I just sat and held her for about 20 minutes, still calm.

Then we tried again: swaddled, shushh, lots of rubbing and facial contact, comfort...no avail. She cried for another 20 minutes until I was ready to get into bed. By then, it was time to nurse anyway, and she availed herself heartily. It took a while, but she finally calmed down nursing, then I was able to put her down in the bassinet with no further fuss.

This whole thing took about 2-1/2 hours, ending around midnight. I couldn't sleep until past 1am, frazzled and stressed. But what choice did we have? There was just nothing else I could do to get her to sleep, and sleep is clearly what she needed. Katrina makes this harder, and easier, by not responding to the usual baby-soothers (rocking, holding, swinging etc).

But then something incredible happened.

Katrina didn't wake up again until **** 6:00 AM ****. That's six straight hours of sleep, something she hasn't done in months. No waking up crying, no pacifier every few minutes, no getting up and nibble-nursing her at 2am. Wow!

At 6am, she woke up, I nursed her, she ate hungrily, then went back to sleep until about 9am, when she woke up cooey and adorable. HOORAY!! I was beside myself. I couldn't believe how different I felt today. Optimistic, energetic, enjoying time with the boys, feeling gushy love toward my baby. It's truly astounding how different the day is when you get at least some normal sleep. Being woken up every hour, for numerous nights in a row, really really takes its toll.

Better yet, both her naps today started sans pacifier!! The morning nap is very reliable and I usually don't need the pacifier anyway. But after a fun afternoon outing, she needed a nap, and I was sorely tempted to use it then. Cold-turkey is asking a lot from a 4-month-old baby after all! But, I decided to give her a chance. So, I swaddled her, put her down, shushhed her, kissed her, rubbed her -- and left. To my amazement, she fussed a little, yakked for a while, and then...quiet.

Of course, we're not out of the woods by any means, but it's a good start. I've really dreaded the crying-to-sleep thing, but it's clear we have no choice. As I type, it's well past bedtime for her, and she's crying now. I know we could be in for more painful hours tonight, but I'm encouraged and have new resolve. I'm really starting to think my instinct was right, that the pacifier was causing sleep problems, despite how easy it makes getting her to sleep (sometimes).

After our usual giant Sunday breakfast, the boys were at each others' throats, arguing and fighting and being grumpy and ill-behaved: they clearly needed to get OUT. And so did I. I wasn't in the mood for a kid playground, where I'd sit in one place and be bored; I wanted to take them somewhere that we could walk around.

So when Katrina woke up from her mondo morning nap, I packed up the whole kit'n'kaboodle and took them to the Sunnyvale Baylands Park, on the Bay. An instant improvement from the boys; they got right into being in this new place with freedom to walk or run.

There were birds on the hills and water, as well as all sorts of buildings and towers and contraptions, due to salt evaporation ponds and a water treatment facility. Not to mention Sunnyvale's world-class dump!

The trails were essentially on levies, with water on either side, and lots of views of mountains and the bay.

Gabriel was far more interested in a bridge and a tower with a red rotating cage-like thing than the wildlife.

Julian got tired walking around, but mostly kept up.

It was really a nice way to spend some time exploring together, and we all got a lot out of it. Even though there are a lot of things not to like about living in the Bay Area, the plethora of places to see and visit (ocean, bay, mountains, redwood forests, deserts) is a strong draw to stay.





Katrina hung out in the jogging stroller, also enjoying the new sights and smells -- she needed to get out as much as her brothers did. Mom (my Mom that is) always said kids -- anyone, really -- needs to get out every day, get some fresh air, and certainly that applies to 4-month-old babies too. Not a peep out of her on our trek, though she did doze off, despite the chilly wind.


I managed to get a rare, though crummy, photo of me with all three kids. Well, it's a good one of them, anyway!




Tonight, I tried a little tummy time, and Katrina rolled from her front to her back!

It's been 20 minutes, I've checked her three times, and no signs of slowing down on the crying. Sigh. I always pick her up and make sure she hasn't spit up -- some babies will cry so hard they'll throw up, and that's too much for me. She sure belches a lot when I pat her back. Tonight is different from last night in that last night, in the end, she essentially nursed to sleep. Not tonight, unless she lasts three hours.

I remember when we had to let Julian cry to sleep that I thought he knew what to do, he just didn't know how to do it. Maybe I'm projecting, but I get the sense that Katrina knows what to do now, she just doesn't want to do it.

Looks like I'm in for many hours of crying tonight, but I'm shored up by the sweet memory of six whole hours last night.

2/11/07

(p.s. Newsflash: 11:20pm:Katrina finally cried herself to sleep. An hour and 20 minutes all told, but with breaks from crying, and without nursing. Best of all, when I picked her up to soothe her, she actually calmed down a little sometimes. And no pacifier. Painful progress!)

2/10/07 Dancin' all night long...

Another all-nighter. Katrina awake every hour or so last night, at times every half hour, then 20 minutes, then 10, then the pacifier just wouldn't get her back to sleep. Twice I caved and nursed her, and both times she just nibbled and putzed, though did settle down to sleep afterward. For a little while, anyway. At 4:45am, it was an exuberation fest, for which she was all grins and giggles and kicks. I resolved that tonight we're going to have to let her cry through some of these wakeups.

Until we took her to the pediatrician today, that is. We made an appointment for Gabriel and Katrina; Gabriel for his ongoing temperature/stuffy-head/slight-cough/tummy-complaint, and Katrina for a goopy eye. Dr. Babcock found a slight ear infection in both of them, which rules out a first night of crying to sleep. At least, for her. I'll be the one crying to sleep again. Assuming I even get to sleep.

This afternoon, Gabriel helped me write a huge stack of thank-you notes. I wrote them, and he "signed" his name, though got silly and tried to connect the letters -- writing script, if you will. His writing is a far cry from his friend Erin's, who wrote a letter to Santa asking for a pink bike, and who is nearly a year younger than he is. Then he helped me seal the envelopes, put stamps on, and finish off the envelope with a flower sticker. This made the whole project a lot more fun for me, too, since he's so enthusiastic and cooperative. It was a nice way to turn a chore into some good time together. Maybe I'm more of a little-kid mom than a baby mom. Though it's hard to say that when Katrina gurgles, sticks her tongue out, and flashes her irresistable smile at me. That tiny baby knows how to light up a room!

We went to Vesuvio's in Santa Clara tonight for dinner. I wouldn't recommend it. Painfully outdated operations (ordering, charging, etc), overly dim interior, so-so food. It's on a par with Pizza and Pipes, though with a broader menu, but P&P is closer, is better suited to kids, has much better pizza, and you don't have to order and pay for drinks separately. (Dave just reminded me that Pizza & Pipes changed their name recently, but we don't know to what.)

Not a good car day. First, someone backed right into Dave as he was parking at Bobbi's, despite the fact that Dave wasn't moving, and was honking at the guy to stop. Then, Dave spun out on a highway ramp, partly because of the wet conditions, doing a full 360, but fortunately hit nothing, got hit by nothing, ended up facing mostly forward and was able to drive away from it. It makes chills run down my spine to think how easily an incident like that could have become a serious accident. He could have rolled down an embankment, or been hit by another car. As longtime motorcyclists, Dave and I are no strangers to simple incidents being one stroke of luck away from a major catastrophe, but it just seems a lot different when my tiny 5-year-old boy is in the car. Who, of course, wasn't fazed at all.

Today I had a nice time chatting with other 2006-baby moms at Tonya's, for a sort of open house she did for her new place. Well, they chatted, and I complained about being up so darned much with baby! I've needed commiseration with other baby moms.

While yakking, I knew I had to leave for an 11:40 pediatrician appointment, but somehow thought that 11:40 meant the big hand was on the 10, not the 8. This is the sort of thing sleep deprivation does to you. It's very insidious. What if it'd been me driving and spinning out on a wet highway ramp? I lack Dave's driving skill, and am so fuzzy on life's basics like reading clocks, there's no telling what'd have happened. Do I have any business driving my children around when my mind is constantly skipping frames?

And here I am, photoless for the day. It wasn't one worth commemorating anyway, though I did have a lot of nice time with my funny firstborn.

2/10/07

2/9/07 Where's the OFF switch?

Katrina....arrrghh! No naps today! OK, two short snoozes after falling asleep in the carseat, only to wake up the moment we got home, and of course, not going back to sleep.

Then there was one half-hour nap...I think. I heard a sound, went into the room, and was greeted by a huge grin, all four limbs flailing, and a tongue sticking out. Some nap!

Gabriel seemed OK enough today that I cancelled a pediatrician appointment and took him and Katrina to the Y. I got a good, deep workout -- ahhh. That felt great, so overdue.

But the Y's Childwatch lady told me Gabriel was coughing. Then at home, he went to sleep on the couch and woke up all sweaty again. (I suggested he change his clothes, and he did -- putting his sweat-soaked shirt, jeans and underpants *back* into his dresser!) Every time I checked him today, his temp was fine, and he acted OK, if a little congested.

I wasn't sure about Tonya's sleepover tonight, but asked Gabriel if he wanted to go, and he eagerly said yes. He's been so isolated this week, with no one to play with. So I took him to Tonya's, and told him to tell Tonya if he wasn't feeling well, and she'd call us. Tonya's in her new house now, a little farther than her old one, but it's a really nice one, with a big area for the kids to play and a huge backyard.

Two down, one to go...now if only Katrina would take a nap, I could have a teeny bit of grownup time to myself...nope, nothing doing.

So I took Katrina to Target to get items too large for the stroller -- answer: backpack. I figured she'd like it, being up and seeing everything. And she did like it, though got tired of it. And no wonder, she was tired. ALL DAY LONG. But did that mean she slept? No!

When I got home, there was a message from Tonya: Gabriel wanted to come home. He was acting fine, but we had to take him at his word, so Dave picked him up, brought him home, and put him straight to bed. No matter; Katrina wasn't about to let us have an evening anyway. She finally caved at around 9:30pm. For now.

At least last night I got one 2-1/2 hour stretch of sleep. I was downright refreshed today as a result.

Kind of a weird spring. Our scraggly remnant of an almond tree is starting to flower.

2/9/07

2/8/07 Sleep troubles

I'm really getting discouraged. Not only do I not have nights anymore, but no evenings either. Katrina was up until about 11pm last night, when finally enough time had passed that it made sense to nurse her and she finally went to sleep. I had almost no baby-free time yesterday, and certainly none at night.

Last night, she woke up every 2-3 hours, usually going back to sleep with the pacifier, but sometimes it took several iterations of giving her back the pacifier across 10-15 minutes. At 3am, she absolutely would not go back to sleep, so, too tired to argue, I nursed her. But she didn't nurse well; she wasn't hungry, though she did go back to sleep after nursing (and no wonder, it's like a nice warm pacifier that doesn't fall out and dribbles sweet tasty milk into her mouth). She had me awake countless times again until 7:30, when I nursed her again. Then she fell into a good deep sleep.

How different our lives would be if we had one of those babies that miraculously sleeps 12 hours a night! I'd be rested, optimistic, cheerful, energetic. Instead, I'm irritable, snappy, struggling to make it from one thing to the next in the day. I resent not being able to completely enjoy my baby, or my two little boys.

I absolutely dread what is clearly our only choice: a learning-to-sleep cycle that involves crying. And I can already tell that powerful little Katrina will stick out serious crying for a long, long time. I'd really hoped to avoid that, by teaching her early on how to fall asleep with help only from the pacifier, but that clearly hasn't worked. I don't want to start the crying-to-sleep until she's used to the crib upstairs, and that will take some time to get her room ready, but I'm making that a priority now.

Meantime, during the moments I have when I'm not completely dragging, Katrina continues to be a most delightful baby. She likes being thrown up into the air, and actually laughs right afterward, sort of a guttural baby guffaw. When she wakes up after a good nap (which fortunately she still has), she's charming and smiley and sticks her tongue out a lot and is downright exuberant.

Today I took all three kids to music class. Between me and Betsy, we had over half the children in the class! I couldn't help but be envious of sweet, sleepy baby Dylan. Why don't I have sleepy babies?! Ah well...I was astounded that Gabriel was very, very well-behaved, and concentrated on the class, followed the teacher and seemed genuinely interested. I expected disaster with his rambunctious and very creative pal Gina in the class. Katrina also enjoyed the whole class, and did great sitting on the floor with my legs supporting her, almost sitting up by herself for short periods. Ah, baby sitting up will mean a huge injection of freedom into my life!

So she practiced sitting again today with the help of two boppies, while I did a little exercising in the living room to try to rustle up some energy.

Argh. I thought we were clear, but Gabriel had 102 temperature again this afternoon. So now we have a pediatrician appointment tomorrow. He was acting and feeling a lot better after the temp broke, but that's been true all week.

Though I feel terrible for Gabriel being sick all week, selfishly I have to say I've enjoyed having him home, and having him be so...well, good. He needs me a little more now, but isn't clingy or whiny, and doesn't have the energy to antagonize Julian as much. He responds well to my fussing over him, and seems to be genuinely comforted when I do little things like offer to get him another blanket, or just hold him. He's really been delightful. I hope that keeps up when he's healthy!

2/8/07

2/7/07

Another temperature day for Gabriel, he was at 102 this morning. Right after 12 noon, he curled up on the couch with a blanket, saying he felt cold, and his forehead was hot. He was much better tonight, finding the energy to aggravate Julian again, but I think the 24-hour fever-clear rule means no school for him again tomorrow.

Katrina practiced sitting up today, with the help of some boppies.

This activity suits her well, she really really wants to look around and see everything. I remember telling Steph that I surmised that Remi didn't like the limitations of being a baby. To some extent, I see that in Katrina too -- she just wants to be up and about and in everything. Though she does enjoy all the eye contact and just smiling at people, something you only ever do with a baby.



I got Julian his own scissors with plastic blades. They're hard to use, but still, handing him a piece of paper to cut to ribbons will keep him busy for a long, long time.

One paper I picked for him was a scrap, on which I'd been testing fonts for a scrapbook page. The text included the words: "...started a new tradition: a special Happy Birthday cup, just for the birthday kid." I was amazed when I heard Gabriel reciting "special Happy Birthday cup," and looked over to see that he was "reading" it from the scrap paper. He recognizes an awful lot of words now. I test him sometimes on sounding out words, and while he seems to understand the concept, he has trouble executing. For instance, he sounded out "sky" to be "sss---kkk---suck!"

Gabriel practicing odds and evens. He gets it right about 80% of the time, but to me, the interesting thing is not his correctness (and he gets one wrong), but rather, his enthusiasm.


Sleep report: Katrina woke up every 1-2 hours, and wouldn't go back to sleep at 2am, then 6am, both times of which I nursed her. Then she slept until about 9am and woke up in a gorgeous mood, all smiley and wiggly and cooey and sticking her tongue out. The extra morning sleep helped me a lot, but still, I'd rather do my sleeping at night. All night.

Oh great, as I type, I can hear Katrina yakking away, cooing happily. Wide awake at 9:30pm. She's a bad Eddie Murphy song: "....party all the time, party all the time, party alll the ti--iiime....."

2/7/07

2/6/07 Park attempt

I really wanted to make it to a park playdate with my mom friends today, but a long late baby nap got us there just as everyone was leaving. Kristi and Lisa were going to a Burger King with a play area, so I thought I'd join them. But as we were driving there, I had a strong pang: these kids haven't been to a park in ages, and Katrina has hardly ever been to one. It was a lovely day, what were we doing going to a Burger King in a mall? And Burger King -- if Dave took the boys to Burger King, I'd kill him!

So I took a detour and took them to a park after all. Right away, I was torn. I was there alone, and it made me realize how isolated I've been lately. A morning-napping baby and an afternoon-napping toddler is limiting enough, on top of injury, illness, travel and visits. I miss my activities as a full-time mom. In fact, I'm finding that I want to commiserate with moms of all three generations: my longtime friends from the 2002 group, my acquaintances from the 2004 group, and now I'm even feeling the urge to talk to moms of other 2006 babies. Raising children is funny that way: you're never alone, but it's very easy to feel alone. Everyone needs peers, I guess, and moms are no different.

The park was a bust anyway. Katrina was fussy and unappreciative, and Gabriel was listless and sullen. Julian had a good time playing with a ball, but was uncooperative about getting in the car when it was time to go. He's been a pest lately, and certainly falls into the category of those toddlers for whom 3 is worse than 2.


I took the kids on a stock-up trip to Trader Joe's after the park, another mistake. Gabriel was getting hit with another temperature, and got worse and worse as we were walking around shopping. He is such a good sick kid, doesn't whine or complain, but instead looked at me with watery eyes and said in a tiny voice, "Mom....I really don't feel well!" I rushed through it, stopping often to give him hugs, and as soon as we got home, I settled him down on the couch. He woke up hours later, sweating, but feeling much better. Still, no school for him again tomorrow. He seems to have no other symptoms other than a recurring temperature...hmm, sound familiar?

Another lousy night, with Katrina waking up and needing the pacifier to get back to sleep numerous times. Twice, that didn't work and I had to nurse her. I really hope this improves soon, because the alternative is very painful.

Katrina is getting much more accurate about coordinating her hands and eyes, reaching for something she's looking at and actually contacting and grabbing it. Naturally, being a 4-month-old baby, the next stop is her mouth. She's had very little tummy time, but does a decent job pushing up when I do put her on her tummy, and doesn't cry right away on her tummy. She hasn't rolled over yet, though she hasn't had much chance to try, since lying on the ground isn't a big part of her life with her brothers running around.

With sick children, I haven't been able to go to the Y, and I really, really miss exercise! As soon as I had Julian down for a nap this afternoon, I pushed aside all the toys strewn around the family room and tried a new Pilates video. Video exercise in the family room is a far cry from going to a fitness center, but it'll have to do, and I still felt better having done it than not. I hate how out of shape I feel, and how a brief period of good eating habits has gone completely by the wayside. Time for everyone to get healthy! At least yesterday's migraine dissipated, and I was headache-free today. Yay!

2/6/07

2/5/07 K-reg day!

We registered for kindergarten today!

Turns out, there was really no good reason to be there the minute registration opened, but Gabriel and Katrina and I were there anyway.

Katrina got fussy, but luckily some ladies at the school held her for me. Amazing how quickly I handed my baby over to total strangers! The school doesn't let you take the forms home to fill them out, so without this help, I'd have been in a lot of trouble. There were a lot of forms to fill out. But, we got it done! Gabriel was very good during the long process, even though he wasn't feeling well. But, if anyone in the family has to get sick, he's the best one to do so.



Gabriel had a temperature on and off all day today, so aside from registering for kindergarten and picking up Julian, we didn't go anywhere today (including the Y, sniff!). Fortunately, during Julian's nap, Gabriel and Katrina had some nice time together. I completely gave up on keeping them apart due to his temperature; it's impossible in a hundred different ways.

Without Julian around, Katrina got more floor time.

I know now why I was so useless yesterday. I got slammed with a migraine this morning, the first in weeks. It was so strong I had a hard time focusing on all the forms I had to fill out for kindergarten. But later in the afternoon, Katrina was being oddly grumpy and hard to please, so I tried putting music on in the living room and dancing around to entertain her. This worked, and gave me a little tiny workout too. And that made all the difference -- I was energized, in a much better mood, and the physical activity held the headache at bay.

Sleep report: still only 2-3 hour stretches, but that's a far sight better than it had been. At 4am, the pacifier wouldn't pacify her, and she needed to nurse, and went right back to sleep afterward. I could live with that, if it weren't for all the other antics.

This afternoon, I experienced a rare 45-minute stretch during which all three kids were asleep. I actually got some email sent, and worked on a scrapbook page from last September. Heaven! A whole 45 minutes to myself, interruptable at any moment, but still. Hard to believe my life was once all about time to myself. But that was a different life, without three other little lives in mine.

2/5/07

2/4/07 Lazy Day

I had grand ambitions to make great progress on moving back in upstairs, which gave way to overwhelming sleepiness and laziness today. I'm fearful to admit it, but I almost feel like I'm fighting off some new illness. AGAIN?! I just couldn't get any energy going today.

Not for lack of trying. I did motivate everyone to go out on wheels this warm and inviting afternoon, though even that had its troubles.

Gabriel almost ran into a man and his dog on his bike, then refused to apologize right away. And I was shakier and less confident on rollerblades than I have been in along time, despite my advances in ice skating. It's possible that I'm getting comfortable enough on ice skates that the differences with rollerblades are intimidating now. Wah! But, practice will fix that.

Dave was a great Dad today, and spent a lot of time with the boys, especially Gabriel. Gabriel got a Lego toy for his birthday that required some assembly and following instructions, as well as some fine motor skills beyond him at 5 years old, and Dave spent hours sitting with him and helping him, despite having lots of other things he'd wanted to do today. Plus the time outside bicycling and playing ball with the boys.

Meantime, I was a dud Mom, just looking for ways to nap all day, even though last night wasn't as awful as previous nights have been. Still, 4-5 hours contiguous hours of sleep are not in my cards for a long time. Katrina woke up only once for real, around 4am, when I nursed her, and she went right back to sleep. Aside from that, she had 2-3 hour stretches without stirring. I still want to know where these babies that sleep 12 hours at 4 months old come from.

It was Thomas night, though once again, the boys missed part of their show. To deal with interminable putzing, I tell them that Thomas starts at a particular time -- whether or not they're done cleaning up. I started the show at 8pm, with the TV cabinet doors closed, and it hummed along while they finally finished cleaning up. They missed the first third of it, but were pretty agreeable about that.

Katrina had a rare chance to lie on the ground, and she loved it! She is also very attracted to screens.

Tomorrow is a big day: I'll go register Gabriel for kindergarten!! Looks like he's coming with me, since he had enough of a temperature tonight to keep him out of pre-K tomorrow.

2/4/07

2/3/07 Party Day

Ugh. What an awful night. Night? What am I saying? Is it a night if you're up several times an hour, every hour? I was so, so frustrated this morning. What was the point of trying to go back to sleep when I knew I'd be woken up yet again? It's easier to stay awake. But that's hard too.

Fortunately, Uncle Ronan accompanied Dave and the boys to Bobbi's this morning, which meant they had room for one more: Katrina. So I got a good baby-free nap this morning. Still, an hour and a half nap isn't nearly enough. I can't even remember what a good night's sleep means. Or even a bad night's sleep. I got up just in time to get to Gabriel's gymnastics class, once again missing him in action by seconds.


But I did join everyone for some outdoor play afterward. I even got a rare good photo of Dave and Katrina.

Ronan appreciated the clean and cheerful playgrounds, and the springlike scent in the air. Funny, I don't notice how it smells outdoors anymore, unless I go back East. I guess it's what you're used to.

Katrina and her hands....and tongue. It's getting a lot easier to get tongue-sticking-out pictures. In fact, when Gabriel was a baby, it became impossible to get pictures of him without his tongue sticking out! Julian really never did that. Yet another way that Katrina takes after her older older brother.

Not easy to pose these people, but I sort of managed.

Back home, we did a mini-family party for Gabriel, with a train cake I had a very hard time decorating (sans frosting this time). Then we opened all his presents -- this kid was showered! What generous and thoughtful friends and family! This helped shake off the creepy feeling I still have when I think about Chuck E Cheese.


Later, Katrina and I joined Uncle Ronan for a walk outside, and Ronan spent a little time making faces at -- and with -- his smiley little Spock-eared niece.


I took Ronan to the airport tonight, and as I type, he's getting on a JetBlue flight back to New York. I'm torn between being so happy he was here, and so sad we can't see him all the time. The boys loved him, and were so relaxed and natural with him, just the way it should be with family.

Though it's natural to use your own childhood as a model for how you raise -- or not -- your own kids, one big difference from my childhood for my kids is contact with extended family. Separate coasts notwithstanding, these kids will grow up really knowing their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. I'm already scheming about the next visit!

2/3/07

2/2/07 Katrina's stats

4-month appointment today. Katrina is:

13 lbs (50th %ile), 24-1/2" (50th %ile)

For comparison, Gabriel and Julian at 4 months were:

Gabriel: 13 lbs 4 oz (25th %ile); 25" (25th %ile)

Julian: 16 lbs 2 oz; 25-1/4", no percentile recorded.

So she's actually smaller than the boys were at this age, but is a little bigger than Gabriel percentagewise, and smaller than Julian percentagewise (I believe; I'm pretty sure Julian was at least 50th %ile at 4 months). It's a safe bet that Julian will end up being the largest of the three.

Katrina's eyes are the most like Uncle Ronan's of all family members: gray-blue.

Uncle Ronan set up the Lionel trains today for the boys. A BIG hit! But the boys, especially Gabriel, could use a refresher course in sharing. Then again, asking Gabriel to share a new train is highly advanced. I finally had to kick him off the rug in the family room altogether for Julian to get a turn.

















It's so nice having Uncle Ronan here. I wish he lived closer!!















Katrina has a very cute new habit of sticking her tongue out a lot. This picture isn't really a good example, but it's cute anyway.

2/2/07

2/1/07 Back from Tucson

Katrina and I returned from Tucson yesterday, after an overall successful trip. The plane flights weren't too torturous, though they were a fair amount of work for me keeping baby happy at times. At one point, I lifted Katrina up so she could see all the people behind us on the plane, and I heard various giggles from grandparent-types around the plane as she looked around and surveyed her subjects. I learned something about Katrina: she's a bit of a ham! In airports, she turned on all her smiley charm and delighted everyone who looked at her.

Our main purpose was to visit Grandpa Jim of course, and this was accomplished. I wish I'd gotten more pictures, but there never seemed to be a good time or place! Once again, Katrina came through with being an adorable, outgoing, friendly, smiley and irresistable baby for the one grandparent-type that really was her grandparent. Dad and Ma'at both adored her, and how could they help it?

The day we left, we had Gabriel's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese first. I went into this with misgivings, and came out of it swearing never, ever to do anything there again. I hated it! Noisy and crowded and completely impersonal....and they didn't even have anything ready for his party when we arrived. The worst part was that there was so much blaring noise and video stuff going on that the kids really didn't interact with each other. What's the point then? I feel guilty about all the moms and dads who made the effort to attend this calamity. Next year: a small party with a few friends that Gabriel picks -- at home.

This weekend, we'll make up for it. Uncle Ronan arrives tonight, and we'll do another little family party this weekend when Gabriel opens the piles and piles of gifts he's received. I'll make a train cake, and we'll all be together -- that's what really counts.

Gabriel got a hand-knit sweater from Bonne Maman! I love the colors and the little engine design she put on it. And it'll fit him for a few years to come. Thank you Bonne Maman!

2/1/07

1/27/07 Night Trouble

A very, very bad night. Katrina was restless and up time and again, so many times I lost track. I kept giving her the pacifier, but she'd often lose it, or spit it out, minutes after. At 5:30am, after the umpteenth time of putting the pacifier back, I turned on the light to look at her, to be greeted by bright little eyes and a big grin. Great. Then she wouldn't nurse, just looking up at me and smiling. But I wasn't smiling back, I was dog-tired after constant sleep interruption. And she was up.

I carried her out to the family room, intensely frustrated and fearful. I just can't go through what I did with Gabriel that first year again, I just can't. I was up so, so many times during the night with Gabriel, and really up, like pacing him around downstairs, for hours, sometimes multiple times in one night. Those are practically traumatic memories, and I can't bear facing more months of that again.

I didn't want her waking the rest of the house up, so I tried to keep her from crying, but she'd get too wiggly. I wasn't about to pace her around, so I actually took her out for a drive. Not with the intention of putting her to sleep, but rather just keeping her out of the house for a while before everyone else was up.

Then I took her upstairs and did some laundry folding until she got fussy, then nursed her. Futile, she still wasn't hungry and only nibbled me uncomfortably. I didn't have all her usual accoutrements -- including the pacifier -- so swaddled her in a towel. (All our linens are in a big unfolded heap on our bed, as I had to wash everything in the linen closet to eradicate the ubiquitous construction dust.) I lay down next to her and shh'd her and rubbed her belly. She kept making noise and darting her eyes around the room, but to my amazement, she eventually calmed down enough that she drifted off and fell asleep. Wow, I actually got her to sleep another way!

But the night had taken its toll on her too. Later in the morning, after the boys were gone with Dave to Gabriel's gymnastics, she gave me the longest stretch of sleep yet, about 3 hours, during which I was unconscious too. I was so, so tired, especially since I'm still coming off that illness. But I don't want to sleep until noon. I want to sleep during the night, and be up during the day. I'm funny that way.

I didn't go anywhere today, and barely even got dressed. Dave went to work this afternoon, and I zombied through motions of giving the boys lunch and putting Julian in for a nap. It was a quiet afternoon, and I gave the boys an early dinner. Katrina cooperated the rest of the day, being very cute and making all sorts of funny new sounds, and went to bed with no problem.

I don't get it. Neither the attachment-parenting nor Babywise methods have worked as advertised. Why do I have babies who only go backward in wakeups, starting around this age? I dread the night now, and dread being tired all day tomorrow too. And I can't be. Tomorrow is Gabriel's birthday party, and then I have to finish packing for Tucson.

Yes, this will pass, but looking ahead, it's a long, long road.

1/27/07

1/26/07 A Day of Rest

Today I made of point of sleeping as much as possible during Katrina's fairly reliable morning nap. I won't feel like this whole fever thing is behind me until I go back to exercising again, but I should be able to tomorrow.

Now that I can look back on my fever episode, it's almost a traumatic memory. I was really, really sick, and suffered so many hours of a brutal fever without being able to lie down and rest. I spent the better part of a week in a fog, doing the very bare minimum needed to keep the household running and the family sustained.

And oddly, no one else got sick. In fact, despite all the pawing and in-your-face attention Katrina gets from her preschool-attending brothers, she's never been sick either, other than a stuffy nose for a few days.

This morning, I told Gabriel I was going to pick him up from pre-K, and he smiled at me, gave me a thumbs-up, and said, "Great, Mom." He's acting like such a real KID now!

I asked Tonya to keep Julian today, once again, because -- great news -- the electrician was here today and he couldn't nap upstairs. This really marks one of the very last steps. Yay! In fact, we could move in this weekend if not for my upcoming trip to Tucson, and Gabriel's birthday party on Sunday.

Katrina spent a lot of time today in the family room bouncer, with me and Gabriel. I put a bib on her today, hating how it looks, and how it gets in her face all the time. At the end of the day, her shirt was still soaked, but at least it was the same one.

If I find the time tomorrow, maybe I can go back to the Y....!

1/26/07