6/30/09 Field Trip

Today the boys went on their first field trip -- well, Julian's first anyway. And a doozy: the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I wished so much I could go too, and I suppose I could have, but I committed to working this week. Meaning, we paid childcare for this week, and I'm about to take two weeks off starting next week, so really, this wasn't a good day to play hooky for me.

But I thought about them all day long. Well, Julian, anyway. At some point, thinking about your kid on a school bus for the first time, in a town an hour and a half away, in a huge exciting place, tips over into "worrying," but it didn't go that far. Mostly, I was jealous and wished I could be with them.

They were adorable this morning, all set for their trip. Lunch, backpack, sweatshirt, water bottle, a little cash for souvenirs, red field trip T-shirts, socks & shoes (the CDC requests sturdy shoes for field trips, the kids don't get as tired they've noticed), pink permission slips.



The only thing they weren't bringing was a cute little sister.


I was hoping to catch them getting off the bus on the pickup, and since the bus was a little late, I did. Gabriel and Julian were sitting next to each other on the bus, and later Kelly, the CDC director, told me, "We put them together for some things, but you know, they start to get a little...." Uh-huh. Say no more. I recommended she separate them as much as possible for her own sanity.


Katrina really wanted to ride on the bus!

Actually, Julian's having a tougher adjustment to the CDC than I expected. Thinking about it, I realize that at his preschool, he was one of the oldest, strongest, maybe fastest, most capable. Now he's gone from top of the totem pole to bottom of the ladder.

He complained that today he was playing Connect-4 with some boys, and they were helping Gabriel but not him. "No one was helping me, they were all helping Gabriel, and I always lose!"

Wait a second....you were playing with Gabriel and his friends?! Well no wonder. GEEZ, poor kid! He's trying to keep up with second-graders in a game, something he'd never even try if he didn't know one of those second-graders very well. And that second-grader has a well-established pattern of deliberating dominating him and engineering situations so he wins, and as his brother he isn't exactly going to be sympathetic or helpful. Major stacked odds against Julian -- who is a remarkable kid in so many ways, I think he's amazing -- but he's still just a kindergartner.

One of the CDC ladies, Nicole, who I like immensely, told me today that Julian is a "joy," and that he's so so polite. She's really sweet to him and seems to look after him. Maybe she knows, as I might just be getting now, that having an older brother at a place new to you isn't such a good thing.

And after all my lamenting not going with the boys to the Aquarium -- one of the most amazing fascinating wonderful places in the world (even if I left it in an ambulance once) -- all they could talk about was the cheapie souvenirs they bought.

Gabriel's souvenir was a deck of cards -- what that has to do with an aquarium I'll never know -- and I can already tell there's a new kick about to start. I recognize that attention, that focus, that intensity, that he applies to something he's intrigued by. I used to love playing Spit with my best friend Patty in 6th grade -- I might have a new partner.

And speaking of resurrecting favorite games, I almost got a lump in my throat when I saw Katrina playing with a game of Boggle. (To the uninitiated, I was a huge Boggle fan in high school.) It was so poignant for me watching her put all the cubes into the grid, cover it with the dome, and shake it, and start the process again. To think, I might actually have people in this household who like to play the few games I like!

6/30/09

6/29/09 Official stuff

I'm exhausted. All scattered thoughts that usually get purged out of my mind into this blog have been buried with hours of mind-numbing maddening e-paperwork for Nebcom, Inc, of which I am owner, sole shareholder, the entire board of directors, and employee #1. I'd like to take this moment to come out in complete favor of excessive CEO pay, as that is something this CEO seeks every day.

Payroll, shareholder distributions, federal and state employer tax payments, wage and withholding forms, quarterly estimated taxes....it's crushing. Still, I never see how an accountant would save much trouble, as most of the work is in the information-gathering. Besides, mired somewhere between the glazed-over eyes and the carpal tunnel syndrome is a tiny perverse sense of satisfaction at having it done.

Julian announced tonight out of the blue, "I believe in God." He paused, apparently reconsidering, and added, "...though I'm not really sure what it means to believe in God."

I need a vacation.

6/30/09

6/28/09 Bed Jump

Kids aren't allowed to jump on beds here. Before you think I'm a total killjoy, a little innocent gymnastics is cute and harmless from a toddler, but with two rowdy boys around, it quickly escalates to complete mayhem and destruction. Mayhem and destruction is expected with boys around, but not in my room.

However, it's a little harder to control Katrina, and a lot harder to tell her to stop when she's being so cute. "Look Mommy! I'm spinning!"

The preparation...


the takeoff...


...the landing!


The boys are just short of being forbidden altogether from coming into our room in the morning. Emergencies do come up, but not being able to separate two Lego pieces at 6:30am no longer qualifies as an emergency. I'm done with having to jump up with babies first thing in the morning! Nowadays even Katrina gets up and plays for a long time before she needs our attention. We're listening for emergencies, but she happily bops around with her brothers for quite a while.

This morning, Julian apparently thought Katrina needed something, but didn't want to disturb us. So he wrote and slipped a note under our door.

From: Julian
To: Mom
K.D needs you

(Katrina still calls herself "Katrina D" since there was another Katrina at TLC and they used the last initial to distinguish them.)

Julian couldn't explain what she needed me for, or what need it was that spanned the 20 minutes it took him to find the paper, pencil and write the note, but he sure went out of his way to look after her!

Don't worry, we're not completely negligent with them, but the bed-jump I most want to vanquish is my jumping out of bed first thing in the morning just because the kids are up. And clearly, Katrina's in good hands.

6/28/09

6/27/09 Hot hit day

We picked quite a day to go to the park with sports stuff. It was HOT! We're complete wimps here in the temperate Bay Area: cold, rain, heat...normal stuff in Denver, Seattle, and Tucson, but step us out of our narrow comfort band and it's time for the smelling salts. 100+ degrees is a lot for anywhere, but it's unusual here.

A baseball-savvy Dad showed Gabriel the ropes. After a number of swiffs, he made contact.


Julian and a foam bat, a tennis ball, Dad's so-so pitching and coaching -- not exactly a formula for sports success, but he sure tried hard and had fun.


Some of the kids' baseball experience clearly showed. This 2nd-grader is a softball veteran, and nearly took my head off when I gave her a decent enough pitch. Fortunately for my head, I'm a pretty crummy pitcher.


Osmosis works. This girl's older brother is the most serious baseball fan there is, and very skilled from his several seasons in baseball. His sister is a decent hitter and thrower too.


Flushed cheeks! Did I mention it was hot?


Sometimes I catch a glimpse of what my little boy will look like as a young man.


I like wearing shorts at night, it's usually too cold here.

6/27/09

6/26/09 Wheel Day

Julian had a great first CDC day! Especially since it was a "Wheel Day," in which kids bring some form of wheels to play with all day. Gabriel LOVES these days; I knew Julian would too.


I wasn't expecting any transition or separation issues, and there weren't any. It's almost like he's been there all along.


But one nice thing I've already found is that Julian is a lot more talkative and tells me a lot more about what they did, or who he played with, or names of games, and general interactions. I like this, it's a little window into Gabriel's life too!

I picked them up early for swim lessons, then took them for haircuts. Spiffy.


Julian fell asleep coming back from picking up Katrina. In preschool, he had to take a nap in the afternoon, or at least rest. Not today, and it showed. He had a full, busy, exciting day. It's already hard to believe that two days ago, he was in preschool.

Julian told me tonight that he asked a lot of questions about how to play a Cops-n-Robbers game on bicycles. He was admitting that he didn't know the game, but I turned it around and told him how proud I was that he asks a lot of questions and that I think that's really really smart. I believe that. This is an intriguing strength of his: a willingness and confidence to raise his hand and ask or volunteer something in large groups, more compelled by the question than intimidated or put off by the group. Good for him.

And, as of today, our triple-pickup nightmare is over for 7 years! Then again, the boys having so much more time together might not be such a good thing....

6/26/09

6/25/09 Graduation Day!

Hooray! We've officially graduated from three different pickups until the kids are in 5th, 7th and 9th grades! Oh yeah, and Julian finished preschool too.

I've really been looking forward to this; Julian's been preparing for weeks, but he wasn't nervous or anxious or anything, he took it all in stride. His wonderful preschool did a typically very well-done little ceremony.

First the procession.


Then the songs.



The diplomas.


And the very proud happy parents!


(A friend took photos of me and Dave and Julian together, but I don't have them yet. Julian was VERY happy to have both of us there.)

Then a class trip to Pump It Up, an inflatable play-place. We've been there many times before, but this time, the big attraction was air hockey. Julian loved it! He couldn't quit jumping up and down.


I realized well into it that some parents had paid to activate the air, and that Julian was dominating and not letting the kids whose parents had paid have a turn! In fact, while he taking over and ignoring requests to give other kids turns, his mother was just filming video and smiling at him, the nerve!

Later, I paid for a round, played a bit with Julian, then insisted he give other kids a turn. There's air hockey in our future, I couldn't believe how happy he was playing this. I think it's a blast too.

But despite all that, I think Julian's favorite part of the day was getting to play quietly at home in the afternoon with his new Lego Racers kit, and a new Transformers toy (hey I'm allowed to spoil him!) all by himself, no siblings bugging him, no parents demanding he clean up or do anything. In fact, Mom went down for an afternoon nap. It's always such a peaceful relief at naptime.

Other exciting events of the day: after talking with a friend who had a similar problem with her daughter refusing to use toilets away from home, I decided to try what she did, with success after some time: take Katrina to a foreign toilet every time we're near one, and insist she sit on it, even holding her down if I have to. The idea is that eventually, she'll desensitize or just get tired of the whole thing. I have to do something, I'm really frustrated by her holding us hostage with her refusal.

The campaign started today when I picked up Gabriel from the CDC, a place Katrina knows well. I warned her ahead of time we were going to sit on the potty there, to which she of course said "NOOOO!" She claimed to be scared, then went back to refusing when I was sympathetic but didn't buy the scared claim. I pulled down her pants, sat her down, let her go so she had to support herself with her hands, she started to pitch a fit....but suddenly stopped. She looked down, surprised -- whaddya know...pee!

I made a HUGE deal of it, and she was actually very proud of herself, telling the boys again and again, "I went pee on the big potty at CDC and I wasn't scared!" I'm going to continue firmly-but-kindly insisting she sit on every toilet we come across. Hopefully soon our #1 problem will then be #2.

Gabriel's turn. A repetitive rude sound from Gabriel got him removed from the dinner table tonight...that is, removed from the island to the dining room table alone. Whenever a rude removal happens, my rule is they have to sit and be well-behaved for 5 minutes before they can be excused. Gabriel was outraged and escalated, getting much much ruder ("NO YOU SHUT UP **NOW** MOM!!") and then started throwing food by the handful. I was furious and smacked him hard, which only made him madder, and it got worse from there. Dave suggested taking away his bicycle for tomorrow's Wheel Day, something he deserved but I didn't want to do (selfishly), but that threat worked well as the basis for a good-cop-bad-cop routine. I got Gabriel ready for bed quickly, no bath, telling him one peep out of him and he'd lose the bicycle tomorrow. This is no guarantee with him, indeed it's risky because once he's lost the bicycle we have nowhere to go from there. But he backed down, thank goodness.

Before I left to go out for coffee, cheesecake and chatter with my mom friends, I was shaking from our blowout. No one can rattle me like he can. As usual, 99% of me is furious with him, but 1% of me can't help but to admire his toughness. He is one formidable character, stitched together with iron.

But instead of going into a dark closet to cry it off, I faced him again. I went into his room, where he was sitting on the floor, stewing. I told him that he makes me very angry sometimes, and his extreme rudeness is never acceptable, but I always always love him. He spit back something about where he'd chop me up and put me, and I told him I understood how he felt, but I still love him. More insults, a little weaker this time, then I told him I had to go, and gave him a hug and told him again that no matter how mad he makes me, I always love him. I needed to say it more than he needed to hear it, I think. To my surprise, he hugged me back, gave me a kiss and told me, genuinely, that he loved me too. That kid...he's amazing.

Such ups and downs today. It reminds me how very very much easier it is to go to work. But easier is definitely not better.

6/25/09

6/24/09 New shoes

Julian's last day of preschool was today! Here's he is with his teacher, Miss Amanda, who's been great. He talks about things she's taught him all the time, games and crafts and especially science. He's really thrived with her. He doesn't have much good to say about how she disciplines him. To me, that caps it. I'm all for a teacher who kids know won't put up with any nonsense from them.

(I do have to break Julian of insisting that "main course" is pronounced "main coss," a side-effect of Miss Amanda's accent!)

It was a last-minute impulse, but after picking up all three (the LAST DAY I pick up all three from different daycares!!), I decided the boys' shoes were a disgrace again, and it was time for new ones. Actually it was time for new ones weeks ago, so by historical measures, I'm right on time.

So I "swung by" the most hideous of places: a nearby mall. The Howard's Shoes is run by a really nice guy with great service, and my experiments with other sources of shoes hasn't yielded anything that they can't pulverize in a few months anyway.

We weren't there minutes before Katrina complained "pee is bothering me!" The super-nice staff at the shoe store pointed me to the powder room, and kindly offered to mind the boys while I rushed Katrina down a long hall with great apprehension -- like she's going to go here? I used my last resort, an offer of a reward: she saw some duck she wanted, and even though I had no idea what the duck was, I offered her the duck of an unknown form if she'd go in the potty.

Of course not. "NOOOOOO!!!!!"

After several attempts, I knew it was futile and said "OK!" As we walked away from the bathroom I said, "I guess no duck today!" But, nothing doing, she wasn't going for it.

Meantime, the kind people at the store had measured the boys' feet, found several sneaker candidates, and had tried them on them. Gabriel was tearing around the mall with what now had to be his new sneakers, ones I hadn't even seen yet. The only input I had was a 4-second comment that the ones on Julian's feet looked sort of pink, when I noticed Katrina doing the pee dance. "Katrina..." I glanced over at the boys again, since I was there to buy them shoes after all, not wait hand-and-foot on their stubborn sister, then back at Katrina....

Too late. She was now looking down at a lovely new puddle under her. "That's OK," the kind store owner said as he reached for his oft-used carpet-cleaning kit, "it happens all the time."

ARRGHHH!

This was no accident. She told me she had to go (sort of, she just said it aloud really), I got her to the bathroom in time, but the final hurdle wasn't jumped. We're held hostage to Katrina's complete, total refusal to even try sitting on a toilet away from home. The episode doesn't rattle her at all though, other than demanding I change her clothes. There's no way this will do anything toward getting her to sit on a real toilet next time. This HAS to stop!

She still refuses to try to pedal a tricycle normally too, though she will sort of push on a pedal with one foot.


I think I owe Howard's a lot of business in the next few years.

6/24/09

6/23/09 Horseplay

I got my camera too late to get a good photo, but in time to get a crummy blurry one:

Julian and Katrina playing "horsey," in which she "rides" his back. He suggested they switch, and she said "OK!" At which point Dave and I in unison said "NOOO!"

Katrina's also been "riding" the back of couches too, roping Gabriel into the fun too.

Little girls and horses...I know the obsession all too well. So does my checkbook. Oh dear.

6/23/09

6/22/09 Rudeness

Me: "Please put your shoes away now."
Boy: "No, YOU put them away!"

Me: "It's time to set the table now."
Boy: "If I have to do what you say, then you have to do what I say, and I say, you set the table."

Me: "For the 3rd time, put away your craft project, or I'll put it away for good."
Boy: "Mom, do you have any idea how stupid you are?"

Boy: "Katrina, can you say, 'Bad Mom' ? "
Katrina: "(tee hee) Bad mom!"

Overall, as things go around here, a pretty polite day.

6/22/09

6/21/09 Father's Day

Happy Father's Day!

I had the kids do a little card, but the real surprise was this one from Julian. After they did the card I suggested, Julian took it completely upon himself, asking only for a little spelling help without even telling me what he was doing, to write this:

I love you!
A cannon shot far!
From: Julian
To: Dad

("A cannon shot far" is apparently a measure of distance, sort of like saying "thiiiis much.")

This was much much better than the standard "Happy Father's Day" I had him write on my card.

Some Moms in my 2004 Las Madres group suggested asking your 5-year-old a set of questions about Mom, or for today, Dad, and then videotaping the answers. I thought that was a great idea, though didn't have much time to execute. It wasn't exactly a surprise, and I should have planned the questions better, but here's what the boys had to say about Dad:


Katrina is all too happy to go with Dad to the supermarket, even agreeing immediately to go pee and wash hands first.




I think Dad really enjoys this time alone with her, though Gabriel barged in on the party. Then Julian wanted to join him too, but I put the kibosh on that -- grocery-shopping on a Sunday evening is annoying enough, but with the boys together, forget it!

So Julian and I had some more time alone together while the others were grocery-shopping, in addition to the hours we spent together digging up weeds in the front yard this afternoon. I was starting to gather dinner items when Julian suddenly burst into the kitchen to inform me: "Inside atoms, there are soldiers called electrons, who march in circles." Then he added, the continuity somewhere in his mind but lost in his retelling, "And when you turn the light on there's a circle and when you turn it off, the circle is broken." He really does like his science classes if these thoughts are churning around in his mind to break through all the poop talk.

(Speaking of which, we're getting frustrated with Katrina, who still absolutely will not go #2 in the toilet. Three cleanups today, as usual, and it's really really getting old with no sign of progress in sight. My trump card is to threaten her with diapers again, but I doubt that'd work, and I don't want to go there anyway. There's got to be something to break this impasse!)

All in all, it was a nice Father's Day, despite the painful and shameful jab of wanting to call my own father today, but not daring to...any call I make might be the one in which all recognition is lost, and I wasn't sure I could take that today.

As for immediate family, we made no attempt or even discussion at going anywhere. Out to breakfast? Pshaw. Breakfast was my usual major Sunday affair -- zucchini-pancetta frittata, maple-brushed baked bacon, homemade buttermilk blueberry pancakes, fresh-cut fruit, tea, English muffins. I encouraged Dave to go off on a ride today, it was beautiful out, but he wasn't in the mood. Though we spent most of our time doing important things (arguably "work") around the house today, we were all very content to just be at home together. I can't think of a better way to spend Father's Day.

6/21/09

6/20/09 Outdoors day

Our disastrous landscaping has been bugging me, and there's just so much disaster. Most of it is completely visible from the street, and I'm getting tired of being the neighborhood eyesore.

I planted this small potted rosemary plant when we first moved here. It's grown into a monster that oils anything that brushes by it, which is everyone and everything as we enter the house. It's in a bad spot. From time to time, I hack it back. Today was the day.

Before.


After.

I actually left more than I have in the past. It will recover. This was fun; Julian helped me put all the cuttings in the yard bin, which he completely filled. He really was a help, not to mention being really good company.

I knew Betsy and her bunch would be at our favorite nearby park, so I took Julian and Katrina and stopped by. Julian and Andrew had a great time playing and chasing each other.


They found some tennis balls (Andrew had one and Julian found one, something like that), and fortunately were in a great place to throw them, as this park has lots of open field area. A young teenage boy got involved with them and played with them for quite a while, catching the tennis balls in his hat. I chatted with Betsy while the boys were completely absorbed in ball play.


Julian puts his whole body into throwing, it's pretty funny. Betsy said, "He has an arm!"

Hmmmm, maybe I should look into baseball for him....he's pretty good at batting too. (Where "pretty good" in this non-sporting household means "better than Gabriel.")

Meantime, Katrina played on the play structures, even climbing up a little.


After home, lunch, nap, it was back to more outdoor work. Katrina joined after her nap, with her hair in a hilarious swept-up do, a leftover from a quick ponytail I stuck in so I could give her a quick rinse-off bath before nap without getting her hair wet. I've mentioned our landscaping is really bad, but it's not just ugly -- it's very very dusty and the kids get filthy in minutes. This is really a problem!


I also hacked back my rose bushes, with Julian's help, then Dave let him water the few remaining stalks (which I also know from past experience will grow back), with Katrina's "help."


And where was Gabriel in all this? Sick as a dog, poor thing. He was getting a cold last night, but today it turned into a full-blown cough and fever. I really wish that normal, peaceful, unstressful days around here could be had when one of the boys isn't out of commission. What a difference. Gabriel's lethargy meant a lot of good time with Julian today for me. Isn't there a way to do that without one of them being laid out flat on the couch sick all day?

(I can't believe it, he still sleeps with his right eye slightly open, he's been doing that since he was a baby.)

I like working outside, but it's a little discouraging just how much there is to do, and how very many different places around our oddly contoured lot need attention. And all our work is just that -- work. Yardwork, landscaping, getting rid of overgrown things, trying to stay just barely ahead of Mother Nature. No actual gardening. Still, I think it's time to plant a new rosemary bush.

6/20/09

6/19/09 Grounded by the pool

I was exhausted today after being awake much of the night, then getting to work unnaturally early (8:15?!). I've decided it's time for some changes regarding work...on the same day that California announced its highest-ever recorded unemployment rate of 11.5%. Yeah, that's the day to decide to stick it to a generous and flexible employer!

As tired and angst-filled as I was today, I found odd solace in the boys's swim lessons. I expected this would be a drag by now, but I've really come to look forward to it. I like chatting with them on the way to the lesson, I like watching them laugh and splash and work in their lessons. I thought I'd hate waiting, but I love it. I bring a book, but I hardly read it. Mostly, I watch my strong healthy burgeoning sons, marvel at their energy and growth and think about how much I love them. This time is really grounding for me, and brought me back home after a tossing-and-turning night and intense work day.

We usually run some or other errand after swim class; today it was returning library books and borrowing new ones. And running around in a small redwood grove outside the library.


And then, after this wonderful boy-time, I am happier than ever to see my now mostly-darling toddler girl. Katrina's usual demeanor these days is cheerful and silly and playful, though her demanding insistent bossy side is still alive and well.

Today she actually permitted a few photos, goofing around walking backward. I'm always happy to encourage such athletic feats from her!




This shot cracks me up, like she's some sort of model twirling for the camera. Models don't wear pigtails, silly!


Very sweet. And I got a few very, very welcome moments of peace when I first walked in the door, thanks to some pooped-out boys and a new set of Rainbow Magic fairy books.

6/19/09

6/18/09 The Workout

I was all set to swim tonight, especially since I just wasn't feeling well in the stomach and my head is filled with angst and ideas about the summer, work, and life. Stomach upset, confusion, probably related -- that calls for a good long swim to work it all through. I was so bummed when I arrived at the pool and found it closed. It happens, but, bummer! Why tonight?

A poor substitute, but I figured I'd stretch a little and do some situps in our room while Dave put the three through the usual bath/bed paces. To my surprise, Julian asked if he could join me. He was really interested, and put in a really good effort in following what I was doing.

Then Katrina joined us. She was supposed to be in bed, but lately she's entered that Excuses little-kid phase of life. But how can I tell a kid they can't exercise? Dave told her just a few minutes, then she had to go to bed when Mom said. She seemed like she really wanted to do the simple stretches with me and Julian, but I think she just doesn't know how to imitate. Athleticism and body awareness are not among her gifts.

Actually I was anxious for them to go to bed so I could concentrate, but I realized what an opportunity this was. I want them growing up thinking exercise is just part of day-to-day life, and fun, not just a drudgerous activity you "should" do. It's as important to good health -- and in my case, sanity -- as eating well. And it was a really really nice way to spend some calm, focused time together, which I was guiltily aware they don't get enough of from me. They both went to bed without complaint.

Julian's been doing an extra science class at preschool once a week for quite a while, and I told the teacher in email that he's leaving next week. I'm sure she's disappointed, because the classes are a little pricey and are the first thing to get dropped when parents are cutting back. But having talked with her before, I do believe she has a genuine enthusiasm for teaching little kids science concepts, and I don't think it's only a sell job when she tells me how wonderful Julian is in the class. I smiled all day at her final note:

He is definitely ready for K! I enjoy watching his mesmerized look when he is listening and absorbing information, and is then ready to share. I am so glad he is enjoying science!! I am going to miss Julian.

It's so funny, now that we only have a few days left of preschool, it seems like an eternity. Julian mentioned today that he's tired of taking naps, and he's increasingly jealous and interested when Gabriel comes back from the CDC with paper airplanes or stories about things he did today.

Time to go, Miss Excuses has to pee for the 4th time since going to bed an hour ago.

6/18/09

6/17/09 Graduation talk

Talking about Julian's upcoming graduation tonight, Julian asked us very sincerely, "When are you going to graduate from work?"

Yeah, when. Noooo kidding.

First things first, kid. I am so psyched for Julian to join Gabriel in the schoolkid environment. I think he will thrive and blossom, he is so ready. I'm starting to wish I could graduate from work and join them.

6/17/09

6/16/09 Getting the job done

Last night, tired of Julian's excuses and complaints for not setting the table (it's his week, lord help me), I told a fabricated story about work, that went something like this: Me and my coworker Carol both needed some papers from John to get our jobs done: "But John didn't finish in time. When our boss asked me and Carol if our work was ready, I said, 'No, because John didn't give me his papers.' But you know what Carol said? She said --" I gave them a cliffhanger pause "-- YES." I tried to let the power of that one word hang and gave them a knowing face.

"But how?" Julian asked. I answered, "Because found what she needed anyway, and she got the job done. *I* just told the boss that it wasn't my fault and gave him a bunch of excuses and reasons. But Carol got her job done." More pauses. Then, brainstorm: "And you know what? The boss KNOWS John didn't do his work! And he knows that Carol got her job done even though John didn't help her! John got in trouble, I got nothing -- but Carol got a gold star."

I was trying to teach a lesson about taking responsibility, like getting the table set even though someone is "distracting" you (Julian's best excuse, he's not even very creative). Still, I felt like I was engaging in one of these "magazine moments" -- parenting advice touted by adults, but is lost on kids. Julian seemed to take this in for a few minutes, before the borderline bathroom talk started up again. There's only so much poop-free talk two little boys can take.

Driving home tonight, Julian asked me if "John" bothered me at work today. I said no, but a computer program did (it's true, the newest version of MS Word froze on me at least 5 times today). Then, when we got home and entered the kitchen, Julian said something so miraculous I thought I'd just entered a parallel world: "I'm going to set the table RIGHT NOW so that I get the JOB DONE no matter what!!" And he did. Straight out of a magazine! Even if it never happens again, I'm encouraged.

6/16/09

6/15/09 When old meets new

My mother told me about a time once when my grandmother (her mother) shocked my mother's misbehaving older brother by sticking him in the shower with all his clothes on. My mother remembers thinking of that as being a harsh measure, and when I first heard it, I thought so too. My mother never had to resort to anything like that raising us.

But that was before I realized: at the time, my grandmother was in the same boat I'm in: two boys and a girl. (My grandmother actually went through more than that, including burying premature triplets after the two boys, then having another girl for a total of 2 boys and 2 girls.) Still, by today's standards, that's a harsh physical punishment, one that especially positive parenting would discourage.

Tonight, once again, was marked by the usual struggle to get the boys to respond to anything I tell them. Whether I'm asking, reminding, telling, instructing, demanding (I don't plead)...doesn't matter, I'm routinely ignored. By bathtime I'm especially short-fused. Once again, I was completely ignored when I asked, reminded, told, instructed and then demanded they get undressed for the bath. Katrina was also fussing -- happily a rare occurrence these days -- so I was in no mood for extra steps.

When Katrina was done with her bath and calm, Julian had just barely started to get his shirt off. I asked myself, what's the first tenet of positive discipline? Natural consequences. What's the natural consequence for still having your clothes on when it's bathtime?

Well, how about, you get in the bath anyway??

And so, I pulled Julian into the bathtub, fully clothed, and sprayed him with water. It's bathtime, and if you can't get your clothes off in 15 minutes with numerous warnings, so be it.

I hoped it would finally break the hysterical giggling-ignoring state the boys were in, and it did, moreso than I expected. Julian howled and wailed, and Gabriel screamed and shouted at me and tried to stop me. Normally he cheers on any action against his brother, but I'd crossed a line and kicked him into protective mode. But I did succeed in finally, finally getting them to stop ignoring me and tearing apart their room instead of getting ready for bath.

What a remarkable intersection of old-fashioned physical shock discipline and modern-day natural consequences. However, no matter how you look at it, old school or new, I doubt it worked, as both boys clearly blamed me for their misfortune and only responded obnoxiously when I asked them what they thought I should do instead ("how about I spit in your face, Mom?"). They don't connect their own actions to consequences. They can learn to avoid unpleasant things, like Mom flipping out, for practical reasons, but I'm sorely skeptical they'll extrapolate any larger lesson from it.

They calmed down by storytime, and with the forgiving amnesia of young children, both gave me very sincere hugs and kisses goodnight. And I...well, I hope I can go my grandmother's way on this one, who probably didn't give the incident another thought.

6/15/09

6/14/09 Hidden Villa Farm

There's a private farm not far from home that's a popular spot to take kids. Incredibly, I've never been there. Today one of my Las Madres group had a tour planned, and I decided to join. It'd have been smart if I'd looked back on emails and noticed that we were supposed to sign up. Or, even smarter to notice in email this morning that one family of 4 was sick and was bailing. Two stupids made a smart, and it worked out.

Gabriel's been to Hidden Villa before and was disparaging about going, but Katrina wanted to see the "aminulls," so I insisted he join us. Not much choice anyway; I really wanted to get them all out of the house once today.

In the Hidden Villa parking lot, where I discovered that my camera's battery was low, so I had to be conservative about photos.


This was GREAT! We had such a great time! The tour guide was an enthusiastic knowledgeable young woman who was great at talking with kids. Two of my mom friends had been there before, and they agreed it was much much different -- and much much better -- with a knowledgeable guide.

First, we went into the sheep and goat field. I was delighted -- thrilled to see Gabriel not only relax, but get really into it. Katrina and Julian were afraid of the friendly goats, but liked seeing a chicken coop inside the field. Gabriel had a great time, answering questions the guide asked, and asking his own questions. He's not a show-off kid, but he did seem to enjoy being the high-ranking kid there; his age (he was the only grade-schooler) and experience (from having been there once) showed.


Katrina was nervous about the goats at first, but liked the mellow sheep better. I almost had her touching one sheep, when the sheep squatted and took a big pee right in front of her. This proved to be a very significant moment later.

Next, we walked to a chicken field. The guide talked to us about the chickens and how to feed them, and gave the kids handfuls of feed to throw to the chickens. Gabriel was the only one brave (well, old) enough to take her suggestion of putting the feed on your shoes and letting the chickens eat it off your feet.



About now, an amazing thing happened. Julian kicked into student mode, and became quite serious about this visit. He asked many questions, and ran ahead to stay with the guide, almost puppy-dogging her to ask questions and listen to what she said. He got so really, really into it -- so much so that he hardly even smiled until lunchtime. I was fascinated and proud to see how studious and inquisitive he was. Gabriel too -- both boys stayed up front and asked a lot of questions, though Gabriel's were more pointed and directed. Julian just wanted the information flow to continue; Gabriel had to know about specifics, like a solar panel in the garden. This tour was for a group of Katrina's peers, but I was so so happy about not only how well-behaved my older boys were, but enthusiastic and involved.

After the chickens, we went on to see some pigs. Katrina again witnessed a pig taking a leak in its designated spot (pigs really are clean animals), and this again made a big impression on her.

Then the farm's organic vegetable and herb garden. The guide talked about the 6 parts of plants that we can eat, and picked samples for the kids to try. Julian was really in his element here, and tried everything.


A tunnel to get out of the garden.


Though my camera battery forbade taking too many pictures, thank goodness Sonia was there with hers!


After the wonderful tour, we had lunch at a picnic area. By now, it was past 1pm and I was worried about Katrina. She hadn't "gone" since we left the house, before 10:30am. I knew she must have to go, and I'd already tried to get her to use a toilet at the farm. Absolutely, no way, not.

When it was really time to leave, I packed the boys into the car and tried one more time to get Katrina to go. Lucky me, I hit upon a bathroom that happened to also have a shower in it. I stripped her from the waist down and tried to get her to pee in the shower...she thought about it, but, no. I washed her hands, hoping the water would inspire her. It didn't exactly, but she stopped screaming NO when I suggested going pee in the grass. So I carried her bare-butted out of the bathroom and found a spot behind a building where I could set her down barefoot comfortably. I talked to her, and incredibly, she agreed to go standing up. "Look mommy! I went pee in the grass like the sheep!"

This is the first she's gone outside our home or Tonya's home, a huge breakthrough. She was very proud of herself, smiling widely and saying again and again, "I went pee in the grass like the pig!"

All three kids had a really great time. Julian couldn't stop talking about it: "I really love Sue!" (the guide) and kept telling me about the questions he asked, and one he "got right" (guessed and was confirmed by the guide). It gave me a little insight into how he'll be as a student someday. He has a serious putzy side, but when he's interested in something, he gets consumed and you can practically see his mind opening and casting a net for any and all information. So different from his brother's laserlike focus, but almost as intense. Mostly, they all had so much fun. And so did I!

6/14/09