2/27/13 Homework Helper

I'm not quite sure this counts as "help," but Julian sure preferred doing his homework with some company tonight.

Meantime, my company, who kept me awake purring much of last night, was happier hiding in my room.

Cats do add a bit to daily chores, but are overall very easy to take care of.

It's all the other stuff in life -- bills, changing over accounts and names, taxes, overdue holiday gifts (!! eeps!) that I'm perpetually behind in.

I learned a good lesson from an organized friend at UCLA once: get one thing done every day, even if it's a small thing (like paying one bill) and be happy with that. You'll end up getting everything done sooner than if you wait for it to pile up, because each task seems more approachable than a giant pile of them. I like that.

Tonight I packaged up some Lands' End clothes to return -- I guess that counts as my "one thing" done. Tomorrow, change a newspaper subscription -- ooh!

2/27/13

2/26/13 The Vigil

The cats sure miss the kids when they're not home!

Zorro (back of photo) mopes around, sits vigil on the landing, sometimes me-owing his pathetic little cry...

....while Meow-Stache darts around nervously, wondering when the chaos is going to re-appear, to run her back into hiding.

We're all anxiously awaiting their return!

2/26/13

2/26/13 The Thank-You

Whoever heard of getting an unsolicited thank-you note before you did something?!

Katrina wrote this darling thank-you note on the day we left for Truckee on Ski Week -- before our Ski Week snow/ski trip:

Dear Mom:, thank you for planning a ski trip. Love, Katrina. p.s. I love you :)

OK, does it get any sweeter than that?!

She also wrote her "Vacation" report (from Winter break) about our snow trip:

Over my vaction I went sking at Tahoe donner and Sugar Bowl. It was fun. I went to ski scholl It was a half day school. I worked on turning.

Next I skied with my mom. I went to the terrain parks. It was fun. I had so much fun sking!

Someone asked me today if I'd ever done fingernail-painting with Katrina. Uhhh....no? Is that OK?? Never done makeup, dress-up, nail-painting, shopping, or any of that normal "girl" stuff. Camping, skiing, skating, hiking, yes. Errr....is that OK?

For what it's worth, I don't remember doing a lot of that "girl" stuff with my mom (who as a pianist always kept her nails short anyway), and we ended up with a fine relationship. I do bake and cook with my kids -- all of them -- does that make up for my inadequacies as a "girl" Mom?

But nothing makes me happier than seeing my dear daughter write in her "What I Did On My Vacation" essay that she skiied with her mom. I think I can be forgiven for the lack of nail-polish for that!

2/26/13

2/24/13 home again....

Well, we had an unusually good pack-up this morning, pretty organized, and were out relatively hassle-free by 9:30. The packing is down to a science now, mostly. Car drives had been made easier with audio books, and a few backup sticker-dolly books for Katrina, and I find that chewing gum helps stave off sleepiness.

But I can still feel my blood pressure start to rise the closer we get to the Bay Area, as the numerous stresses and unhappinesses and longstanding lonelinesses creep back in.

This was not the way my life was supposed to be. Maybe I've been spoiled with a relatively charmed life with lots of successes and accomplishments and overall great relationships with friends and family -- yet none of that measures up to the devastation of my failed family.

I know the kids will survive it, everyone reminds me of that. Indeed I know their relationships with their parents individually is most important. So this isn't just about the kids, but me....and I had really really counted on raising them in that mysterious world of the intact family, living with them every day. I know that no family is ideal, and I'd already greatly adjusted my expectations -- every family has their challenges!

But in the end, I just could no longer do what was necessary to sustain the relationship. It wasn't even a choice I made -- it was more like being physically incapable, like doing 60 chinups in a row or flying. I just can't. It will be a long time before I stop beating up myself over that. I should have found a way to fly. Nothing meant more to me than raising my children in an intact family, nothing. I'd set aside my own individual happiness long ago -- it meant nothing compared to giving my children a complete family. I did absolutely everything I could for years, far beyond what I'd ever have imagined possible, to keep my family together, and it still failed.

As much as I absolutely hate being away from the kids more than 3 days, I wonder if the transitions are harder on me than them. I know it's bad for them too, but as an adult with some concept of continuity it's arguably worse for me, because I never feel like I get any momentum with them.

The kids and I had such a wonderful trip together, but for me the last day together is always deeply burdened by the upcoming days without them. I'm their mother, I should see my children every day. Maybe the silver lining here is that missing them is a good thing, that I appreciate their company more, but it doesn't really work that way with kids. "Quality Time" is a parent concept, it doesn't mean a kid feels like baking cookies together at a given moment. And I've never been a super hands-on sort of mom. I just like having them around, and with plenty of opportunity to interact randomly as things come up.

I don't want my deeply dysfunctional marriage back anymore than my former husband does, but the shattered dream of raising my children full-time is very very hard to get over for me. I hate that half my life is spent intensely missing them, not knowing who I am or why, what my purpose is. Without work, I'd be completely lost.

I know this will get better -- it's been such a short time. I know I take things very deeply to heart and feel things very intensely, but that works both ways. I'm naturally buoyant and resourceful, and have a lot of experience with coping, thinking things through, finding positives and new passions. I've already come a very long way in pulling out of this. But it's a tough road, and it runs with many tears.

2/24/13

2/23/13: Ski Week day 3: Diamond Girl!

Today was the day Katrina was all excited about: "You PROMISED me to do Steamers today, RIGHT?!"

Her brothers were discouraging though. "You can't handle moguls." "It's too steep for you." "You need to be more experienced." But Katrina was determined. "We'll warm up on 'Donner's Way,'" she declared (the intro-black-diamond she toasted yesterday) -- and then, Steamers."

Honestly, Steamers isn't all that hard -- Sugarbowl's intro-black-diamonds are mercifully short -- but it's no beginner terrain, and in bad conditions, it can suck.

Incredibly, we had a little dusting of snow last night! But more incredibly, it didn't to much to improve snow conditions. In fact, I thought today was icier than yesterday, despite the smattering of new snow.

Katrina went to a lesson this morning first, which the boys and I ran into. The first half-hour of group lessons is spent doing triage and separating kids, and boy, this one was packed. I was intrigued to see that for "Level 3" kids, Katrina was well at the top end of skill, even though she looks so much smaller than most.

But I'm really happy to see that she runs no risk of being on the Magic Carpet all day now.

Still, it's best for the lesson if the parent-paparazzi goes away, so the boys and I went back to Disney for a repeat of our fun the day before. I was out-of-sorts and so didn't feel any great need to try anything new, and the boys were quite happy to stick to the run "Donald Duck" and run-offs from there.

Gabriel is skiing so well now that I felt compelled to take video of him.

Julian of course headed to the trees and insisted of some more video of him blasting through the powder, with varying success.

I won no points for style today, but I'm glad that I can sorta-breeze down the easier groomed blacks at Sugarbowl now, at least in today's conditions.

I have a new system for lunch now: bringing our own, and stashing it in a knapsack in the lodge. I'm not the only one with this idea -- the fireplace is piled with lunch-knapsacks!

I really like this method -- having sandwiches and granola bars for the kids not only saves me tons of money, but it saves me a ton of time waiting on line for overpriced crummy food, and best of all, it saves me the drudgery of waitressing in ski boots. And the kids don't mind at all, especially if I bring some leftover dessert from last night!

After lunch, time to fulfill my promise to Katrina: Steamers! For some reason, she was determined to do this mogul-y black-diamond off Jerome -- an intro-black to be sure, but not the easiest. She came up with the plan to "warm up" on Donner's Way first today, where again I was so impressed -- look at these almost-parallel turns! She breezed her way down Donner's Way smiling and chatting, like it was nothing (with protective oldest brother in hot pursuit)

(Note that I called "Bomb It!" right at the end -- this is our new game of "Bomb Attack," in which someone calls "Bomb It!" and we all have to race to the end. Not clear what the rules of this game are exactly....!)

Next run: Steamers! Right next to Donner's way. This run is short, but mogul-y and uneven, and I was nervous about Katrina being able to take it, but she was absolutely insistent. To think, two days ago I was stunned and thrilled when Julian did it, and now I was telling him, "eh, whatever, just meet us at the bottom, I'm watching Katrina!"

And she toasted it. No fear, barely any hesitation, just a few times that she stopped and looked ahead, and then just did it. She did GREAT!! Honestly, she was more confident and consistent than Julian was the first day we did this so many times. I was floored! Nooo problem!

I just don't know how much pride I have left, with both my younger two children tackling a non-trivial black-diamond mogul run with relative ease -- and their oldest brother practically yawning at it! My goodness, Katrina's sure come far from being stuck on the Magic Carpet all day.

They're all skiing so so SO well -- it won't be long at all before I'll have no one to ski with myself. Katrina declared yesterday that when she's a grownup, she'd be an Expert, and I told her with total honesty, "You'll be that well before you're a grownup!" Really, she's just 6, and had no trouble at all with an ungroomed mogul-y black-diamond today. Wow!

We were planning a second run down Steamers, but Katrina took a nasty fall on the easy ridge run on the way. It happens; you get a lot of speed, catch an edge, boom. I arrived after the fact, and found her holding back tears as she was trying to reach for her skis and poles, and complained of her hand and head hurting. I did a quick triage, and she seemed OK physically, but she was upset -- and done. "Is this like what happened to Kate?" she asked through tears, about our friend who was far more seriously injured a few weeks ago. "No, you're fine, sweetie girl," I assured her. But I knew enough not to push a freaked-out kid. She is just 6 years old, after all. She's no complainer -- if she says she's done, she means it. So I told the boys to take one more run, then to meet us at the Den where we could all de-ski-gear ourselves and load the car.

She had smacked her head hard, even leaving a small blood spot in her helmet. I think the helmet helped more than hurt....? But it must have been a nasty fall. Another reminder of how easy it is for a day to turn around from total fun to (potentially) total disaster.

In theory, the boys can load the skis now. In practice, it still takes a lot of reminding and nagging and yes, yelling, to get them to actually do it, but at least they know how.

We headed home a little early, but overall, got in a full day. Totally worth it!

All the houses I've rented have their pros and cons, but I can't say this one is my favorite. It's a little far, it's clutter and cramped, and filled with foofy-smelling things, a ton of candles but very poor lighting overall. Still, all places have their plusses, and I loved my view from my bed in this one. Few things I like better in life than waking up to this view.

It seems just as we get things down to a science, it's time to go. Thank you, Ski Week! Another great experience and memory. I'm proud to say I think I've instilled a permanent love of snow and mountains in my children -- and if this ever matters to them in the future, they all have a good solid foundation in skiing!

2/23/13

2/22/13 Ski Week day 2: Disney Day!

Oh my, I think I've had the most fun skiing yesterday and today afternoon than I EVER have! With both my boys!

Yesterday we did 360s, moguls, trees, rollers..lots of laughing, showing off, playing together....Does it GET better than that? Time is so short...won't be long before my growing sons will have nothing to do with old Mom, so I'm determined the make the most of it now!

We really wanted to go to Mt Disney, and did so during Katrina's morning lesson. But it takes a few lifts to get there, and back, so 2 hours is gobbled up fast. Still, the one run we did had us hooked, and we had to go back after lunch.

I couldn't get an all-day ski school reservation for Katrina, so got the idea from another Mom (a French one who lives a few blocks away in Sunnyvale!) to put Katrina into a separate afternoon lesson. But Katrina was not happy about this plan, she wanted to ski with us after lunch. I persuaded her by promising hot chocolate, a taco for dinner, and that we'd do whatever she wanted to tomorrow, and she angrily agreed. "Oh FINE."

After lunch the boys and I took right off for Disney, and headed straight for the backside. We discovered "Donald Duck" to be groomed with just enough snow to keep it from being an ice-sliding traverse, with some fun ungroomed detours. This is wide and predictable, but it's still steep! Julian did GREAT. He gets himself freaked out sometimes, but handles it with courage and aplomb. (Nothing fazes Gabriel!)


Gabriel really nailed the 360 thing, way better than I can. Now he makes it a point of going around multiple times, and more impressively, he can do it on any terrain, like on Donald Duck. Not me! (Not yet! But I will!)

At the bottom of these runs were some "optional routes" through the trees, and you could always count on Julian finding his way there. He doesn't look very steady, but isn't afraid of falling and as discomombulated as he can seem, he makes his way through!

When it was time to head back, we tried a new run: "Nancy's Couloir" or "East Face" -- not sure which one it was. It's right next to the top of the Mt Disney lift and pretty much goes straight down, and it's groomed. It was steeper than I expected, but my Squaw lesson helped prepare me for that and I wasn't scared. Julian got himself psyched out, he needed to stop a lot (always on his rear end), but was never unsafe or out of control. Gabriel....well, Gabriel. Nothing fazes that kid! He loved it.

On our way back, we met up with Katrina's lesson. She'd forgiven me for putting her in it, and seemed to be doing great. She was right behind the instructor, and honestly though she's still very committed to the pizza-wedge, she actually looked like the strongest skiier in the group -- right behind the teacher, moving with confidence, able to change direction easily. It amazes me sometimes seeing my little, little girl just blasting along like there's nothing to it!

In fact, it looked like her teacher was going to take the group down Donner's Way, Sugarbowl's "intro" black-diamond, but the one boy in the class kept falling and the teacher thought better of it.


But Katrina was so excited about having done "half a black diamond" that she was dying to do it again! So after her lesson, she wanted to ski some more, and I said, OK, let's take you all the way down Donner's Way! I thought she could handle it. She was thrilled and couldn't WAIT.

First, Mom gets a precious picture! For once, they cooperated!

Katrina in front of her first black-diamond sign!

And here she goes! Really, very anticlimactic. She had no trouble with it, even though she's still doing mostly "pizza" in her skiing. She WILL learn, and she's been thinking a lot about what her instructors tell her, but it takes a while for that click moment to happen (like Gabriel and his 360s).

But she did GREAT -- no fear, no falling, no complaining -- she was actually chatting happily the whole time. She needs to lose the kid-pizza-wedge thing to advance to anything harder, but she's ready.

Julian joined us from "Steamers," the black-diamond mogul-y run we'd done yesterday, that's right next to Donner's Way, and I got a real treat of a photo: all 3 on the black diamond!

But now Katrina wants to do Steamers tomorrow!!

The easiest way back to the Den where our things were is to ride up a lift again, and work our way down Mt. Judah. This time, the boys didn't complain about having to wait for Katrina, there's not a lot of waiting anymore. Another year and she won't need lessons every time either.!

What a turnaround from the days of being stuck on the magic carpet all day! I just love skiing with the boys, and with Katrina's enthusiam and building skill, it won't be long before I'm no longer "ski-sitting" her either. WHAT FUN!!

2/22/2013

2/21/13 Ski Week day 1: Steamers Day!

We're back in Truckee!!

The kids have this week off, technically called "Recess" but everyone knows it's "Ski Week" -- including the ski resorts who jack the prices up to "holiday" rates.

Though I'm in a serious dearth of time-off of work, and in major crunches for numerous projects, I just couldn't pass up this opportunity to take the kids skiing without "sacrificing" school. (IMO missing a Friday afternoon is hardly a sacrifice but I sure get a lot of sh*t for it!). And anyone who knows me at all knows that I've always prioritized personal life over work -- including some former bosses! In the end, your health and your family matter far more than making that 6pm meeting.

So the kids and I arrived in Truckee super-late last night. I've learned that when we have a late arrival, not to push it in the morning, so this morning we hung out. Katrina went out to play in the snow while her brothers putzed around, but after a late breakfast we got to Sugarbowl for a half-day skiing, including an afternoon lesson for Katrina.

Katrina gets a ton out of lessons, but I also need her to take them because she really is just 6 and can't truly can't keep up with me and her brothers -- yet. I was thrilled that she had the same instructor that she's had twice before -- the same one who I begged to keep her off the bunny hill -- so I knew there was no chance she'd get stuck on short greens all day. Later today, she was filled with marvelous instruction to me, like about turning your inside heel to go parallel. I expect that this "problem" of her not keeping up will last at most another season.

A new development since our Squaw trip: I can really ski with Julian now, mostly. Gabriel and I can still envelope-push beyond what Julian can do, but now the boys and I are all within range enough that we can keep very entertained together. The only problem skiing with Julian is logistical -- will he follow instructions? But today he seemed committed, so I made an executive last-minute decision not to put him in an afternoon lesson, and to ski with him instead.

And boy am I happy I did. I had the best afternoon skiing I think I've ever had!

Aside from the snow being unexpectedly phenomenal, I had so much fun skiing with my sons. Once I found them, that is.

The way this works is, I have to send the boys on their way while I get Katrina set up and into her lesson. Both boys are set up with a "Core Pass" now, so I don't even need to mess with buying and attaching lift tickets for them -- I pay for their lift tickets the first time their passes are scanned at a lift. No waiting on line or attaching a sticker to a metal widget. It's a great system, and lets them ski for half an hour while I get Katrina checked into lessons and get myself geared up, plus it's so easy to tell them to stick to Mt Judah and its terrain parks -- no boredom there.

Katrina had a bad morning, but the moment we were on a lift on the way to her lesson, she said with her typical insight, "I feel so much better in the day as soon as I'm on the lift, Mommy!". Oh my, little girl, me too.... Sometimes it's astounding -- chilling, even -- how much like her Grandpa Jim (my father) she is.

After checking her into her lesson, I found her brothers on Mt Judah, and then we headed over to another lift to attempt some moguls. Our Squaw trip was all about icy moguls, and we thought it might be fun to try snowy moguls for once....! It had snowed a few days ago, and while it was only a sprinkling, it made a big difference in ski conditions.

So today we tackled "Steamers," an intro-black-diamond at Sugarbowl that is easier than most "double-blues" at Squaw. And it was great! What fun!!!!!!!

I was riveted by how Julian is skiing! He loves moguls, powder, trees, anything that is not..well, routine (sound familiar?!).

He often looks like he's about to fall over, but still, he's gotten so confident and aggressive, and he's developing some serious style. He's confident in a very different way than Gabriel, who never ever seems rattled and always has a solid brute-force approach, but Julian has real potential for finesse, despite his clambering. He just went for it, and I just love that! I was so impressed -- this opens up a whole world for me with him!

We also had SO much fun practicing 360s. Julian was doing better than Gabriel at first, but he's so inclined to clown around that he never quite finished a full rotation. Gabriel had one of those "ah-hah" click moments and totally gets it now. (apologies to Facebook followers who've already seen these).

Julian works on his 360s (he did a lot better than this video shows!)

Gabriel nails it!

Mine look mild by comparison, but I'm making it around!

(A few people have asked me why this is important as a skiier, and honestly, it never occurred to me to question this....seems like a good skill to have, and it's just fun!)

Unfortunately, Katrina in a 2-hr lesson means I have to pay close attention to time. When it was getting to be within half an hour of pickup time, we made our way over back to Mt Judah. Of course, we took the interesting route...!

On the way back, Gabriel and I had so much fun on the "roller" hills of the large-feature terrain parks -- so much that we snuck in another run even though I was overdue to pick up Katrina. He tried to explain that 'centrifugal force' was causing the feeling of heaviness on the way up a steep terrain-park-feature-hill (funny I thought was just gravity, but what do I know about physics) -- but I was too busy yelling "Woo-HOOOO!" to care!

This started off as an emotionally hard day, they always have (the whole alone-ness thing on adventures) -- but the worst, toughest, baddest day can be turned around by the total fun and challenge of skiing. A wonderful, and necessary, escape from my real life!.... Honestly I can watch the videos again and again and again -- I'm just SO PROUD of my sons!!

2/21/13

2/19/13 Heavy talks

I had to break some bad news to the kids tonight: one of their favorite pets, Scabbers, was really struggling and looked like she was going to meet her end very soon.

OK, so, to some, it might seem silly to spill tears over an elderly rat that isn't even ours, but this dear creature was one of my kids' first attachments to an animal. Indeed, it was rat-sitting that showed me how much my children would get out of having pets, oddly, especially Gabriel. Rats make terrific pets -- smart, social, don't smell, don't bite, very individual, some are trainable, great to play with, fairly allergenic if you're so inclined. And easy to sit for, though I lost that honored status when I adopted two young unknown cats.

So tonight we talked about euthanasia, what that means, how it happens. Gabriel immediately asked a very pointed and logical question: "Can humans do that?" I had to explain that euthanasia is a lot more complicated with humans, between laws and the Hippocratic oath and religious beliefs -- but now they know Oregon is a "special place." This led to yet more discussions about what mothers would do for their babies, how animals honor their babies' lives and humans do too, despite laws and religion and other such intellectual complications.

I saw Scabbers two days ago, and she sure was hurting....stumbling, having a hard time moving around. The kids and I talked about how Nature is, how animals in the wild have to be able to survive on their own or die, and that poor Scabbers would likely have died long ago if she weren't being fed and taken care of by humans.

It's amazing what great lessons animals are, though I made a silent prayer of thanks that our cats are so young and we won't have to experience that lesson first-hand for a while yet. Still, this little animal is responsible for a lot of discussion, affection, learning and experience -- quite a full life for a little rat!

aug 2011

2/19/13

2/18/13 Last camping trip

I'd done the photos, but hadn't posted them anywhere. Finally, months later, are the photos from our last camping trip in August, the weekend before school starts, if anyone's still interested (and Facebook-enabled):

August 2012 Summer Last Hurrah Camping Trip

Blogger just made some long-overdue updates, but they've maintained their long legacy of introducing just as many problems as they solve. They finally updated its horribly inconvenient and ancient photo-upload method, but now removed the choice of size of photos.

It's really time I change this blog anyway; its format is ancient, but I need to look into changing the blog service too. And maybe I should make it invitation-only, with regrets, because I like anyone who's interested to read about the kids without having to join blogger, but I'm increasingly uncomfortable with anyone who's interested being able to read about me. Well, that'll probably not happen until blogger makes yet more annoying changes!

2/18/13

2/17/13 Redwood park

Nothing lifts my mood, outlook, joy and will to live like getting outside. So what a great treat to go on a nice long hike today with a dedicated, experienced, even more enthusiastic hiker and friend!

"Hike" often suggests "walk," but while there was a lot of walking involved, there was also a fair amount of navigating, scrambling, climbing, navigating and a little bit of teetering.

One great thing about this time of year is the full falls.

A good camera and photographer makes this same falls look a lot different.

Wildlife too, including this intrepid centipede.

My crummy camera and even crummier photography skills never do these parks justice.

Incredible that we live less than an hour away from such state parks, filled with redwood trees, canyons, beautiful views, waterfalls, narrow trails......and can make an easy trek in a few hours, in February. This is a truly wonderful place!

I really love the Sierras, but a serious impediment to a fantasy of living there would be missing redwood trees. I absolutely love redwood trees, they're my favorite, and the forests are amazing....so I can "suffer" with the local mountains populated with redwoods right now. And it's great to enjoy it with a friend who feels the same way!

2/17/13

2/15/13 Softie

I'm pretty sure Zorro is the softest animal I've ever felt. His fur isn't as long as his mommy-kitty's, but it has an unusually fine, super-soft quality to it. It's really striking when I touch him, he's so soft.

I don't get to pet him that much, he definitely prefers the kids to me, but occasionally he'll grant me a presence, and when he does, I'm amazed at just how soft his fur is.

It's also fun to tease him on other counts: as big as he acts, he has a pathetic little mew, super-soft fur, and pink paws -- some toughie! Softie!

2/15/13

2/14/13 Hurl City!

Been a long time since I've done this: get up in the middle of the night numerous times with a child.

Poor Julian....even though he'd eaten virtually nothing yesterday, sometime around 2am this morning he started hurling. It happened again and again and again, with one towel, blanket, item hit each time. Needless to say, he didn't go to school today!

Poor kid. He was pretty lethargic today.

Unfortunately, since Gabriel too got sent home with a mild temperature at 1pm, he too wasn't allowed to go to school today, but he was pretty healthy. Enough to try to rile and pester poor Julian. It wasn't until I very seriously threatened to bring Gabriel back to school that he finally backed off!

2/14/13

2/13/13 Twofer

Ugh...this morning I got notice from dad that Julian was sick and could not to go school.

Unfortunately, custody agreements must state a handoff time -- in this case 8am -- even though real life doesn't work that way. Whichever parent has the kids in a morning takes them to school, even though that's past 8am, so they keep the kids for technically 25 minutes longer than handoff, so as to take them straight to school. Call that a "gentleman's agreement" for flexibility of reality -- until a kid gets sick. That creates a scramble for everyone, but dad expects me to be available at the letter-of-the-law handoff time of 8am to take the sick kid, and if I'm not, he makes remarks like "I see. I will cover for you then."

Mornings that I don't take the kids to school, I plan for a free morning. I go running, to the Y, drive to the city for work, sleep late, take a shower, meet a friend....No matter what the literal word of the custody agreement says, if I'm not taking them to school, I might not be home at 8am and can't teleport back there then. The parent who has the kids is home, so I think this arrangement needs to be adjusted to match practical reality -- such as changing handoff times to afternoons. I know from experience to brace myself for battle and armor myself against a barrage of double-entendre condescending insults and exaggerations for making any suggested changes, so as usual I have to work around it and live with the literal interpretation of the custody agreement until I'm ready to take it to mediation or court.

When I picked up Julian, I found him unusually lethargic. Usually he milks this for all its worth, but today he didn't have the energy. He just wanted to hang in bed with Zorro, who mostly indulged him. How annoying, that animal won't give me the time of day, but mews pitifully when he misses the kids! He has by far the softest fur I've ever felt on a cat, too.

I set Julian up with his own new lamp, gave him some secret kitty-treats to help incent Zorro to stay with him, brought him his Nook with some new books on it, and went to work in my home office. I honestly don't mind days at home alone with a sick kid; my kids aren't whiners and I like playing mom to them one at a time.

I just wish I weren't under such tremendous pressure at work this week. I usually don't mind pressure. A project that's come up is critical to the company and to individuals' livelihoods, and there is NO slipping schedules. If I can't do it, someone else who's even more overloaded than I am will, and that makes me feel terrible. I'm keenly aware that while I won't necessarily help make a sale, I can certainly impede it. Mostly, it's super-important to me to support my wonderful employer (of under 50 people, so this is the reality of small business, overall a great fit for me). And I really like this project -- a rare treat for network engineers to get to design a new data center from scratch -- in Europe! If anyone can eke out the last painful eensy detail, I can. And I have fantastic support in my other network-engineer coworker. So this is good. But now!

With Julian settled in, i was able to get some work done, until....a call from the school: Gabriel now complaining about a "burnt forehead." He had no temp, so we sent him back to class, but after lunch, he fell asleep in the school office and did measure with 99.9. Enough to send him home for today and tomorrow.

Great. Two boys, sick, home together. Juuust what I need. I don't mind having one home sick, they're mellow and not complaining -- but the boys together??! And Gabriel wasn't that sick -- he can do a lot of damage even with a 100 temp. Fortunately I was able to keep the boys contained with threats of, "If you have the energy to insult Katrina or bounce off the walls, then you are going to school tomorrow!" Gabriel can't, but Julian...it's borderline. Just gotta count on the girl to hold it together, and if anyone can, she can.

2/13/13

2/11/13 Enjoying Work

My guess is that the (legal??) immigrants who clean my house, and barely understand English, are likely the ones that Mexico most misses: ambitious, hard-working, practical, and humorous -- and able to find small amusements in their work. One of the ladies who cleans my house makes cute flowers out of the TP rolls -- my guess more for her amusement than mine, though it works very well on me too.

I haven't talked much about work here....for good reason. As regular readers know, just over a year ago, I was employed at a struggling company with some wonderful co-workers, but an astoundingly oppressive management, including a boss whose religious beliefs excluded shaking hands with women.

Before anyone rushes to defend that position, consider this: he should have refused to shake hands with all, so as to conform to his strict religious beliefs, rather than singling out a single group. Imagine if he'd refused to shake hands with Blacks or Jews only?! Never! So why should only Women be "ok" to exclude from a common social more? No way. But that was the least of the troubles....my former boss's religious beliefs and their unreasonable manifestations didn't even make it to my Top 10 of complaints with this jerk.

Problem #1: he wanted to hold me back, to drive me out by squashing my ambition and desire to learn. This "boss" once cancelled a project when he learned I'd volunteered for it, after he'd called for volunteers, instead assigning me absurd busywork that had no bearing at all on the struggling company that I helped build in its early days. Since I'd filed a formal complaint against him, he couldn't do anything overt, but he was extremely perceptive of peoples' dynamics, and knew that he could drive me out by keeping me down technically.

Fast-forward 18 months or so to my current job, found through a former coworker at the same company, who wisely left immediately when the Taliban-mentality invaded our previous employer.

I've mentioned a few times how very much better my current job is, but superlatives don't exist to describe the humanity and competence and kindness and supportiveness of my current employer. My current much smaller company also has absolutely no room for a stupid vindictive person deliberately trying to drive out an employee, and standing up to nonsense is appreciatged, not criticized.

(As an example of how thoughtful my employer is: recently our national payroll processor messed up and delayed numerous direct deposits -- So the VP sent email to the whole company saying if this created a financial hardship for anyone, to please let him know and he'd make sure to cover it out of his own pocket.)

This difference struck me especially today when I was asked to do yet another project for which I have no direct experience or knowledge for. What a contrast -- instead of being held back, I'm expected to step up. Instead of being soundly criticized for talking with reasonable knowledge of something I worked hard to learn in a short time, I'm praised and thanked for the very same actions. Indeed, I've become my company's de facto "wireless specialist," despite my pitiful lack of background in physics, radio frequency technology and digital signal processing -- but my interest and time spent learning is completely recognized and appreciated. (Just wish I could turn that lucrative...)

And instead of begging to have access to new equipment, new equipment is tossed at me and my coworker all the time - it's all we can do to hold it off. It just doesn't get better than that for network engineers! No longer are we passed over for a choice project for a favored junior team member who attends the Mosque with the boss during Friday prayers!

But my technical interest is barely an indulgence. At a sales company, margins are key, and sales are king. I don't mind -- I'm a huge appreciator of the Bottom Line, even though I'm not commissioned (and never want to be). Occasionally this creates a massive "customer is king" scramble, but I understand, even if putting together a complete network design, including choosing and configuring equipment, for a new data center in 2 days isn't my strength (yet --I'm a lot better than I was a year ago!). I thought I'd dread that aspect of my job, but turns out, I really like making customers happy. And it seems, they like it when I do that too.

No job is perfect, but mine is about as close as it gets, despite my rough-around-the-edges-ness that plagues the poor sales reps I try hard to represent. Seems I'm still a bit of an oddity, especially in my favorite technological area of wireless networking. Not often one finds a middle-aged engineer spouting half-baked nonsense about regulatory domains and maximum transmit power levels in a higher-pitched voice; a short, quasi-social-geek with curves who trips over 1" heels (I try, but I just can't handle heels).

In another blog post, I'll spout about my opinions and experiences on the pros and cons of being the only woman in a roomful of men on a regular basis...it has its pros and cons. Honestly, I think I've always been better off not paying much attention to that, even if they do.

So though I have no talent for transforming TP into flowers, I really appreciate the lesson it brings to any workplace. And so it will help me even more enjoy my work!

2/11/13

2/10/13 Bed Cats

The boys, especially Gabriel, love bringing Zorro into bed with them. I don't quite understand why, but Gabriel carries Zorro up to his top bunk (hel-lo, he's a cat, he can get up himself if he wants!), and then Zorro spends all night there with him.

I just have to make sure their door stays open so the poor kitty doesn't get trapped in there!

Meantime, Meow-stache is my nonstop BFF, following me everywhere. She skitters away if anyone makes any sudden moves, but if I'm hanging out on my bed in my room-sanctuary, she shows up within a few minutes, jumps up on the bed with me, and is my purr partner for hours. I love scratching her ears and hanging with her.

Neither cat so far is much of a lap cat, but they're definitely bed cats!

2/10/13