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What a full, fun day!
I ran in my first 10K race today. It's really not a race for me (yet?), since my goal is still just to finish. And today, to keep up with Sonia!
Fortunately it was a flat course, and though I was winded around the 5th mile, it wasn't too bad, and I was able to keep up with Sonia. It was a lot of fun yakking with Sonia and her friend Aidymar.
Do feel free to skip this section, it's just reflection more for me than anyone else.
(In fact, from talking with these two terrific ladies, I came home and had a torrent of insight about the genesis of my new running habit. Sonia works at NASA, right where I worked one of my favorite jobs for 2 years. It's a great setup, they've developed and supported her career, and she has a lot of flexibility and job security. I've thought on and off over the years about going back to NASA and maybe pursuing the civil service. Aidymar's position in her career is much like mine was 6 years ago: having reached a satisfying level, considering a change, and ready to start a family. She said she asks herself about if she could quit work -- emotionally, it's such a huge part of who we are. I remember that, before my identity, self-definition, and desire to work was completely turned upside-down by a baby.
And so, it hit me soon after the race: this recent running habit is a catharsis for my life as a mom. With running, I'm on the steep part of a learning curve, where I most like to be. I have new challenges, new goals, new accomplishments when those new goals are met. I meet a whole new interesting set of people. I see places in a whole new light. I learn about a whole new world. I feel strong and in control and excited about the next step. This is exactly what I did when I threw myself into motorcycling and my career. (Dance is different; that's just always part of me, like writing, for better or worse.) I love feeling focused, challenged, productive, stretching myself.
Mom life doesn't lend itself well to that sort of satisfaction. Of course, momming has its own rewards, and the personal growth one achieves from child-raising is nothing short of heroic. But that development is externally driven. It happens to you, whether you like it or not. Running, motorcycling, graduate school -- these were all self-directed challenges, over which I had control in far I'd go, how much energy and heart I'd put into it. I need that kind of stimulation in my life, and gravitate toward it without even realizing it. This is really what's behind this new interest in running.)
Dave walked the 5K course with the boys and Katrina and the double stroller. Gabriel walked most of it, trading off with Julian for a spot in the stroller toward the end.
Of course, Gabriel was very excited to have his own number.
Katrina had a fabulous time, and was exuberant for the rest of the day!
Believe it or not, the 10K race wasn't the most thrilling thing that happened today. Few things could trump that, but another milestone did: Gabriel rode his bicycle without training wheels! He was SO excited to show me. He needs to practice in a larger area, but he gets the idea. Dave is convinced it was the razor scooter that taught him the balance.
Hive Report: DAY 5! Katrina is still breaking out in hives, all over her body, all day, though it's worse at night. At any given moment, she'll have a new red splotch or raised-up white mark. I sure wish this would stop!
Katrina had a grand time today playing with a package from Title Nine. She's starting early -- I too love getting packages from Title Nine!
Indeed, I was a poster child today for expensive outdoor and recreation catalogs, as every stitch of clothing I had on was from Athleta, Title Nine, Patagonia and REI. You know those novices who spend a ton of money loading up on expensive high-tech gear that their far more experienced and skilled counterparts forgo? Well, I'm one of them! I feel like I earned it today.
5/12/07
Today I had a very important date. Gabriel's pre-K class was holding a Mother's Day Tea, and all the moms were invited.
Invited? More like, required! Gabriel's teacher practically insisted I make it. It turns out, if I hadn't, Gabriel would have been the only kid without his mother there. The teacher waited until all the moms had arrived to start, and though one or two were late, they ALL arrived. I wonder what happens to kids who don't have mothers, or whose mothers are out of town on the date? They'd have felt very left out.
The Tea was very sweet. Mrs. Rosie, Gabriel's teacher, did a very nice job having the kids pamper us. The kids took their mom's hand and led us into the room. Then we all sat and listened to an audio book that was a conversation between a mother and a child, and the kids gave their moms a hug afterward. Then our child served us fruit, our choice of vanilla or chocolate cupcake, then poured us tea (cold). Gabriel had asked me yesterday what kind of cupcake I'd want, then this morning as he was leaving for school, he said, "I even remember what kind of cupcake you want -- vanilla!" Silly boy. I'm not picky when it comes to cupcakes.
Then we got gifts: a card, a paper flower each kid made (out of coffee filters, if I'm not mistaken), and a wrapped gift that was a photo of our child holding an "I love you Mom!" sign. The photo was framed in decorated popsicle sticks. Mrs. Rosie told me Gabriel was very careful and meticulous about gluing the flower embellishments on the frame. My little scrapbooker-in-training!
It was a nice diversion to the morning, and a nice way to spend some time alone with my firstborn son. Even though Gabriel is really not a sensitive kid, it doesn't mean he can't be disappointed. He didn't talk about the Tea with me during the week at all, and knowing him he wouldn't have acted sad if I hadn't gone. But Mrs. Rosie assured me it was important to him, and he was excited about me coming. It's tricky with him, since he doesn't show how he feels much, but he's still just a kid who needs his mother just like any other kid.
After naps this afternoon, the boys played on the floor with Katrina.
Awww, how sweet, Julian giving Katrina a toy. Uh-huh. Here's a behind-the-scenes view of the real story behind this apparently tender moment:
Camera -- red filter on that face....Sound -- turn volume up to max...OK -- cue Mom...and...action!:"
"YOU*GIVE*THAT*BACK*TO*HER**RIGHT**NOW**YOU*ARE*NOT* *ALLOWED*TO*TAKE*THINGS*OUT*OF*ANYONES*HANDS*EVER* *GOT*IT?!!!!!!!!"
annnnd...cut!
Later, Julian was serenading Katrina with a Music Together song, one I find kind of dorky, but that is actually very sweet and meant to give kids confidence in their parents ("Who says they're gonna come back, your Mommy does that's who..."). I tried to capture this sweet scene on camera-video, but instead got a truer snapshot of life in the Doudna zoo: Gabriel being a distracting pest.
Day 4! Katrina is still breaking out in hives.
This morning, I thought it was slowing down, but this evening, the welts, splotches, raised white bumps and scratches raged on. I talked to the advice nurse again, and she said it's not unusual for a hive episode to last 5-7 days. Also, 75% of episodes like this, we never know what caused it. She didn't think an allergist would test a baby as young as Katrina, but an allergist I called said they would. I've made the appointment (for late June unfortunately), and will consult Katrina's regular doctor in a few weeks for her next weight check. (The advice nurse, while talking about Benadryl dosages for her, was pretty surprised when I told her my full-term 7-month-old hadn't even cracked 14 pounds!)
Summer. Shorts time. And yet another struggle to find new clothes to fit the boys.
I bought a whole bunch of shorts at Target yesterday, hoping to find some that don't need taking-in at the waist. Not one pair I bought was larger than a 2T, and some were as small as 18 months. About half of what I bought fit, sort of. Gabriel and Julian had a grand time demonstrating how well they fit when I asked them to jump up and down, and they found that the shorts fell right off them. Then they thought that was funny and helped along with their hands, but still, you can see in this video that it doesn't take much for shorts to fall off Gabriel. These are a 24-month size!!
Another video capture, from yesterday: Katrina in a fit of raspberries. Just being silly.
5/12/07
A good day in some ways, not so good in others.
First, the bad news. I woke up tired from a too-late night, and with some nasty stomach trouble. Tonya is still recovering from the flu, so while normally she'd have taken Julian today at last notice, today she wasn't able to. So instead, I asked Kids Inc to keep Gabriel all day. While he's my lowest-maintenance child right now, he's still a major factor in my highest-maintenance situation, which is the boys together.
Julian was pretty good today, once his brother and father weren't around to impress with obnoxiousness. He's definitely going to be the boy in the class who dips a girl's braids into inkwells if he likes her.
Julian played a lot on his own today, making me feel pretty guilty. I made it up to him a little by playing "Make 'Em Laugh" on DVD a few times. It held Katrina's interest too, though I think the humor is lost on her.
But the other thing about today: HIVES. More and more, coming and going constantly. Poor baby! Fortunately, they still don't bother her. But today, even a slight scratch on her face (from her own fingernails) would raise up and be surrounded by a red welt. One moment her face would be fine, the next, someone would ask me if she's OK, and I'd look at her and find a big red splotch around her eyes.
Three days, and counting, of hives. If this is a food allergic reaction, then it's major! I'm really thinking I should have her tested, even if the hives stop tomorrow.
Despite the fact that I felt so bad -- or really, because I felt so bad -- I took the kids to the Y today for a half-hearted workout. Then, on to Target for some overdue stocking up on the piles and piles of diapers and Pull-Ups we still use around here. Can't we get one kid off of incontinence products?! I'm starting to want to work on night-training Julian, though he doesn't even make it through naps dry.
Katrina sat in the cart, though I used my wonderful hip carrier (from my sister) for extra cushioning. She chewed on its strap, oblivious to the constant eruptions on her arms, face and torso.
She took a much-too-short nap this afternoon, though Julian took it upon himself to curl up on the couch with a blanket and take a nap (you can see him in the background). This resulted in some Resolve to clean the couch. Great. (See aforementioned note about incontinence products.)
Yesterday, I had my long-awaited appointment with a migraine specialist doctor. My first objective was met, as he gave me a common prescription drug for migraines, Imitrex. But overall I thought his questions and approach were pretty canned, and he really didn't explain much about migraines themselves. Still, I'm prepared for the next onslaught. Since it seems I'm actually only a moderate sufferer, as migraine suffering goes, I'm optimistic that I'll respond well to the Imitrex.
The funny thing was one of the questionnaires I filled out. It asked questions to get a snapshot of how migraines affected the last 2 months of your life: "How many days of work did you miss?" and "How many days were you unable to perform home duties?" and "How many family or social functions did you miss?" Obviously, this quiz isn't targeted to full-time moms, 'cause the answer for all is: ZERO. We don't miss work! We don't skip home duties! We don't miss family functions! Migraines or not, those just aren't options! That quiz must have been written by and intended for men, who can drop everything, leave work, go home and stay in bed as long as they feel like it. They might believe that they "can't" miss work, but blowing a deadline or missing a meeting is a whole different order of "can't" than children going hungry.
And no stomach trouble is keeping me making the most of my few baby-free hours tomorrow morning. That, I truly can't miss.
5/10/07
Gabriel and Julian like drawing "Random House," based on the house icon on books published by Random House. Today, Gabriel embellished his a little. Free-hand drawing something is very, very rare for him, though he was following an example.
Hives!
Katrina was still breaking out in hives this morning, so I took her to the pediatrician. Probably not contagious, probably a food allergy. To what?! She hasn't tried anything new, except yogurt, and this latest bout of rash started before the yogurt. Still, allergens build up and then -- hives. That's what happened with Julian's reaction to amoxicillin. It started after he was done with a 10-day round of it, and the second round he'd had.
So, the nurse suggested I stop eating nuts and peanut butter, at least for a few weeks, to see if that's what this is about. The length of the hive episode suggest it's not a food allergy, but today at Tonya's, after eating nice safe prunes and cereal, she broke out again. Tonight's carrots had no new effect though.
Fortunately, she doesn't seem bothered by them. But I am. If this continues, I'm taking her to an allergist to see what it's about. I admit to some selfishness on my part. I like my peanut butter!
5/9/07
Warm today -- a regular heat wave! Katrina was comfy in a cute sleeveless romper. A hand-me down, of course.
Which allowed me to see the rash and hives that were ebbing and flowing on and off her torso all day.Could it be the yogurt? She had a rash last week, pre-yogurt, but no hives. And the hives weren't immediately after the yogurt, as you'd expect from a food allergy, but who knows? So, I'm stopping the yogurt for a while.
Today we had a power outage, a cable TV outage AND cable Internet outage. I guess if they all had to happen, it's just as well they happened all at the same time. As it turns out, the problems were all around the same pole, so it might not be a coincidence. Still....enough is enough. We have such frequent power problems that I have flashlights at the ready in just about every room. That's what we get for living right down the road from a gigantic multi-acre PG&E maintenance facility.
At least one person had a good time: Gabriel was beside himself with fascination with the electrical issues we were having, taking the electrical diagram Dave drew to explain the problem to PG&E with him everywhere, including to school. He was really psyched when the guys in the big blue truck carrying all the tools showed up, and peppered the hapless PG&E repair guy with questions like "What color is the neutral wire in this country?"
To top off having my day dominated by dealing with guys fixing stuff out back, I scooted out for a last-minute chiropractor appointment, to deal with this ongoing crick in my neck, AND we have to clean up tonight for the cleaners tomorrow. So I'd better quit bloggin' and get floggin'!
5/8/07
(No photos today...feel free to go read a worthier blog. I won't be insulted. I know my marginal photography is still more interesting than my writing!)
Tonya closed today, so I was on with Julian & Katrina this morning. That means: gym daycare, this time at Supreme Court, my longtime gym in Sunnyvale. I took my old power weights class, which kicked my sorry rear end once again.
Decent afternoon, mostly because Gabriel took a defiance nap. Meaning, he ran upstairs to make a big ruckus, and I chased him and scolded him to go downstairs lest he wake baby, and he claimed he was up there to take a nap. And he proved it to me. Nyah! So THERE Mom! Boy, did he ever show me -- he was asleep in his bed for hours!
That left Julian on his own to happily follow me around while I worked a little on my closet project. He loves to "help," so I found little "jobs" for him to do. He spent at least half an hour polishing a plastic closet rod with a paper towel, after thoroughly measuring it.
Even though the boys distract me when I'm working on something, and I'm forever searching for where I set down a drill bit or pencil as I get interrupted to get someone a drink or wipe a rear end, I have to say, I like the company. It's fun chatting with them as I go about my work, and especially fun if I can get them involved somehow -- but not too involved!
Katrina got her first yogurt today, some yummy Trader Joe's Greek yogurt mixed in with her pears & cereal. No reaction, yay! Yogurt of all things makes me nervous, since I still remember Steph's frantic email about Aidan's first yogurt, leading to years of working around a strong dairy allergy.
Katrina is also starting the early stages of babbling, saying "yah-yah-yah-yah." It's like she's practicing coordinating mouth movement with sound-making. It's very cute.
I went running at Rancho San Antonio tonight again, on a new trail for me: the infamous PG&E Trail. Well, part of it. It lives up to its rep: it's steep and has a lot of uphill, with a lovely view of the valley at the top (at least, the top I got to). I cut over to the Wildcat trail, then ran the very familiar Coyote trail, or old hike trail, back to the parking lot. All told, it took me 55 minutes and I am wiped out.
Did I mention, I decided (tonight, really!) that I'm running in The Human Race this coming Saturday? Turns out, Dave will be here this weekend, so he and the boys will walk the 5K while I run the 10K with Katrina. I'm only attempting the 10K because my secret weapon will be there: my unflappable friend Sonia. So, my extended runs at Rancho so far have been to feel out if I could survive a 10K (6.2 miles), and now I guess I'm officially training for it, whether or not I can survive the race itself. Nothing like 5 days' notice to train for a race! This is becoming a bad habit!
I mused how this new running habit has a lot in common with my old inclinations in motorcycling. I loved poring over maps, finding new roads, and particularly enjoyed wooded, narrow, curvy trails (though the trails I've run on so far would be trivial to ride on a motorcycle). I don't like what running does to my hips and knees, and no doubt other joints will soon join in the chorus of complaints, but I love this way of exploring trails, experiencing the outdoors, sensing the breezes, smelling the flora, feeling the earth change beneath me; just like I did on my poor forgotten BMW motorcycles. There's a mountain biker just dying to come out.
We're having a little heat wave here. It stayed toasty even into the evening. I love it!
5/7/07
This turned into one of the fullest, busiest days we've had in a long time! And it was great!
The morning started with a visit from longtime friend Jim Franklin, this year's Sheepranch Pooh-bah. Jim flew in from Boston to preside over the couch-sitting, tale-telling, song-warbling and, oh yeah, motorcycle-riding event, and since I'm not going, I wanted to see him. So he joined us for our usual Sunday morning breakfast shindig, which got even shindiggier when I had someone else to bake for and cut fresh fruit for.
Next stop: Gina's birthday party. Gina takes the candle-blowing birthday-song-singing very, very seriously. I barely saw the boys; Gabriel was off playing in the jump house and Julian mostly hung around the sand and fountain area. (Note that sand and fountains, when combined, make for "volcanos" and very wet very sandy children.) I like park parties -- I'm sure they're a lot of work, but I always enjoy them. (And Betsy always has the yummiest cake!)
Back at home, Laura and Ryan came by for the afternoon!! Ryan's doing a photo shoot in Sonoma, so Laura joined him for the weekend, and unbelievably lucky for us, they managed to squeeze in a visit. Yay!
The boys were beside themselves, but of course, Katrina hasn't met her aunt and uncle since she was a brand-new newborn. She's got stranger anxiety now; you can't just hand her to a new person anymore (I'm certain I still could with Gabriel at this age), but it took only a few minutes for her to be smiling and making her signature "euh!" sound to them.
Ryan is a professional photographer who not only likes to apply his profession to fun, but is also really, really good at it. Even at photographing babies and little kids, not something he (or most non-parents) do on a regular basis.
He got lots of great pictures, but this one is my favorite.
It's so, so fun when they're here. Not just for the kids, but for us too. (Note to self: stop taking closeups with someone so photogenic as Laura!)
For the record, we did not deliberately match our shirts. Maybe because it was a nice warm day, we were both in a watermelon-shade mood. I can't think of a better color for such a nice Sunday.
5/6/07
A busy day, with no photos, again.
A typical conflict with Gabriel today escalated into a pretty funny scene. I asked him to pick up his school supplies, and he refused, claiming Julian had gotten them out (this is a new thing: the boys blame each other). I warned him he'd better put them away, he refused. So I picked them up, put them into their box, and threw it into the garbage.
Gabriel was so outraged that he threatened in bloodcurdling tones that he'd call the police and they'd put me in jail. "Yeah!" chimed in Julian, "they'll give Mommy a bad ticket!". Gabriel carried out his threat, pulling up a barstool to get the phone handset, turning it on, and then trying to dial something. (This is why I wouldn't dare teach him to call 911.)
So I went with it. I took the phone from him and said "Fine, Gabriel, you want to call the police? We'll call them. And you know what the police will say?" I had their riveted attention now. "The police will say that little boys must listen to their mother." Gabriel didn't buy it, and again demanded the police be called. So I let him hear the dial tone, and then I "dialed" the police.
Exit Mom, enter Bob Newhart. "Hello, police?"
The boys were mortified.
"Gabriel wants you to come here to put me in jail! ....Oh, mm-hmmm. (listening)...no, I thought so. I'll tell him." And I put my hand over the mouthpiece and told Gabriel, "See, the policeman says you have to listen to your mother."
Then I got back on the phone and pretended to listen some more, then said, "No, no, I don't think you have to come here. Gabriel will listen now....no, you don't need to put him in jail. I'm sure he'll be very good now......mm-hmm....no, that's OK, he's being good. You don't need to come here....OK...mm-hmm...ok, I'll tell him. Thank you. Good-bye, police!" And I hung up.
Wide-eyed, they looked to me for an explanation. "I told the policeman not to come because you boys are going to be very good and listen to me and do what I say now, right?" Julian just looked at me. Then, incredibly, Gabriel burst into tears! "I don't want to go to jail!" he bawled.
It was all I could do not to roll on the floor with laughter. Guilty laughter, since scaring the cr*p out of your kids is generally considered to be poor form. But geez, he started it!
I hugged Gabriel and assured him the police weren't coming, that policemen were our friends, that they have little boys and girls too and that they know that little boys and girls have to listen to their mothers and fathers. I played up every positive aspect there was, and it was all forgotten within a few minutes. Knowing Gabriel, the lesson itself was forgotten too, and he'll be right back to his rude demanding talk tomorrow.Julian remembered it, and asked me about it at various points throughout the day. He's much more like his cousin Aidan, absorbing and remembering an incident and asking about it later. (Of course, I wouldn't dream of pulling a stunt like that with imaginative Aidan.)
It was an odd day, with highs such as a rollerblading workshop in the morning, and a long run at Rancho San Antonio in the afternoon, and a low point so sad I can't bring myself to write about it. But it was capped off by a surprise visit from Aunt Laura and Uncle Ryan tonight. No day can possibly be bad that involves the world's greatest in-laws.
5/5/07
I made a few enlightening discoveries today, of the "well DUH" variety. Three, in fact.
3 kids puts you over the edge. Not the 3rd child in particular, but the combination of the three.
3-year-olds put you over the edge. Even a "good" 3-year-old.
3-hour naps by said 3-year-old keep you teetering on the edge, a milk-spill or pants-pee away from being put over it, but still, just barely still on it. It gets you down from 3 to 2 children for a few hours. And life begins again. And then ends again when said 3-year-old wakes up. Around 3:00, eerily enough.
Usually blogs by people I don't know don't hold much interest for me. But my Mom friends have pointed me to one that is absolutely hilarious: Dooce. The author is a SAHM (read her bio for a different expansion of that acronym that, unusual for me, I found hysterical) who has a 3-year-old. It was this line from a recent post that Stacey originally pointed me to, that now rings in my head daily: "Three is the opposite of A DISTINCTLY LIKABLE HUMAN BEING." I'm sure I broke a copyright law by "reprinting" that, so I'll point you to the entire text: Acting her age.
Though I'm always compelled to qualify Julian's misdeeds with "at least it's nothing like what Gabriel can dish out," 3 is still his worst phase in life so far, and the worst that any of our 3 are in now. We should be grateful that it's Julian who's in his worst place, not Gabriel, but still. Today's afternoon without Julian gave me a choice insight into why I've been so insane the past few days: it's because of the three-year-old, not the carry-me-all-day baby. Life sure is a lot easier without three (3 children and 3-year-old). I know, I know, life isn't supposed to be easy. But who said it's supposed to be hard?
Julian didn't intend to take a nap today, but he fell asleep during the (get this:) three minute trip picking up Gabriel. So I carried him up to his bed, where he slept soundly, and let me be a mom of 2 for 3 hours. For half that time, Katrina took a nap too, so I was down to one. The first One, in fact. Who, incredibly, despite recent unbearable rudeness and obstinance, now ranks as our easiest one. Of all the three to be the easy one. Gabriel.
So I pinned on my Good Mom badge and sat down and played a game with Gabriel, "Travel Blokus" that one of the boys was given by one of our family members in one of the days during the Christmas-birthday blitz. (My best recollection is that it was from the Engels, or maybe Bonne Maman, and I think it was to Gabriel.) I made a few half-hearted stabs at "teaching moments" during the game, but mostly, I just wanted to interact and play with him. He really enjoyed it. And so did I. And that's what we're here for, right?
After the game, I asked him to "help" me with my closet project, that is creeping along at a snail's pace. My goal had been to finish it during my precious baby-free time this morning, but once again, I was stymied by another dentist appointment, a phone-call-prohibitive excess of Novacaine, and some sort of neck crick that has me sitting like I have a pole up my backside. Yet I managed to finish screwing in shelf supports and slap some paint on them, an important milestone.
Trouble with projects like this is, the more you do, the more you realize needs to get done. And I'm not talking about the closet.
5/4/07
Today we went to "Erin's house" for a little birthday gathering for Danielle, who's cared for Erin since just before Erin's twin sisters were born. A perfect excuse for some kid backyard play, mom-yak-time, and pizza and cupcakes. It doesn't get more wholesome than that.
Julian with Erin, Kate and Quinton.
I didn't get the shot where he was sitting at the table with only the girls, entertaining Kate by showing her half-chewed mouthfuls of food, complete with vomit sound effects. According to Kate, this performance was hilarious.
Katrina got to experience her first piece of furniture dedicated to the function of high-chair-ness (as opposed to the portable strap-on type she and her brothers have had to stoop to). As you can see, there's quite a bit of room to grow.
"Room To Grow." That's Katrina, all right. RTG. The story of her short life. I think that'll be a title for a scrapbook page.
Katrina didn't do so well at her weight check appointment today. She's 13 lbs 10 oz, having put on a mere 2 oz ("essentially nothing" said the doc) since her 6-month appointment, and that's with eating solids 2-3 times a day, no eating issues, no illnesses. She's slid from 10th percentile to 5th, and is close to falling off the chart. Even Gabriel waited until 9 months old to do that.
Fortunately, our pediatricians are not alarmists, and since all other health indicators and developmental milestones are fine, the pediatrician said it's almost certainly just genetics, especially with a brother who had the same pattern. If her growth rate (and I do emphasize rate since her actual weight is within normal bounds) continues to drop off, in a few months they might consider some testing, as there can be other reasons babies don't put on weight. But the odds of that are very low.
Offhand I believe Katrina is the healthiest of the bunch so far in life, despite -- or perhaps because of? -- her increased exposure. Perhaps because of her petiteness, I realized today that I perceive her as being more fragile than Gabriel or Julian at this age. I doubt she really is, but I don't think I'm as rough with her. Also, I'm not sure I'd still say she's an ultra-energetic baby anymore, with a lot more calm moments. Still very wiggly to hold though.
Though I doubt I deserve it, I need more time off from children and babies. I'm just not a good mom some days. Many some days. Some days I lose my patience with the boys so easily that I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. Today was like that, even though I had a fair amount of grownup time: an hour at the Y this afternoon, and a nice coffee-cheesecake-catchup with Betsy.
There's really no reason I couldn't go back to work full-time and put them all in childcare. Millions of people do it all the time. Most Dads do it without a second thought. So why don't I? Wouldn't I be happier? Or would guilt and the sense of failure drown out the relief? Shouldn't I be able to take this? I'm their mother for Pete's sake. I'm supposed to adore them, be devoted to their health and joy, relish every instant with them, guide them thoughtfully with just the right touch of freedom to explore. Why is it so much easier to do that when I'm away from them? Why can I love them so completely when I'm looking at a picture, yet be so quickly irritated when I see the same scene in real life? What is wrong with me?! Maybe I'm just not cut out for the day-in-day-outs of little children, yet I love them fiercely. Just like my own dad.
I think I'll do what I often do when wracked with guilt and ambivalence: sneak into the boys' room as they're sleeping, and give them a hug and a kiss, so I can love them at their most lovable. Then tuck their blankets around them even if they don't need it.
5/3/07
Not a good start this morning. What "morning"? When was my morning? At 2:30am when Katrina woke up? At 6:30am when Katrina woke up again? Or at 8:15am when I was late for a dentist appointment after dropping off a rude, putzy and foul-mouthed pre-kindergartener at school?
Katrina has been grouchy and not sleeping well these past few days. And, she has a red-dot rash all over her torso, front and back. It's not bumpy, and it comes and goes, but now it's been here for over 48 hours. It so happens that she has a weight check pediatrician appointment tomorrow, so I can ask about it then.
Today in swim class, Katrina went under the water and came back up without a peep! Indeed, she was making goofy happy faces. I let her stay under a little longer this time, and again, no problem. I have to remember that she's older than when her brothers started; this was old hat to them by this age.
She cried when the teacher came over though, showing all signs of separation anxiety. This ultra-un-cuddly baby almost wraps her arms around my neck then! I guess I can thank him for that! But she calms down quickly enough, especially if there is a little boy around to see. It could be my imagination, but it almost seems as though she is calmed by seeing the activity and mayhem of little boys, a very familiar thing to her.
Once again this afternoon, I didn't want to spend a single baby-nap minute getting Julian down for a nap. As it turned out, I had a lot of baby-free nap minutes: 2-1/2 hours' worth, in fact. Boy, was she tired. I love swim class days!
But, even better, after playing fairly well together in the backyard all afternoon, the boys came inside and then sat quietly in the living room, watching me dance and attempt to re-create "Hip Hop Abs." to disco. Turns out, I have no hidden skills as a video instructor. But, loud music, flailing limbs and crusty dance maneuvers were enough to put both boys to sleep, voluntarily and simultaneously. They each crawled sleepily onto a couch, pulled a blanket over themselves, and faded away.
So I quickly snuck into the office to get in some scrapbooking. Heeheeheee. My guilty pleasure. Like hiding in a closet for a quick swig of cooking brandy. But my substance of choice is Hermafix.
This is what happens when at 6:30am, you groggily beg a man to grab the long-sleeved flowered onesie sitting on the dresser and then pick any pants out of baby's drawer. Just dress the little critter so I can snooze a few precious more minutes, thank you sooo muccchhhhh...zzzzzz.... What are the odds he'll pick the one striped pair of pants out of at least 6 or 7 solid-color ones?
The result is this fashion faux pas.
Vintage-toned floral with bright-pastel stripes! Oh, the indignity! To make matters worse, Mom didn't bother changing me!
Dinner was prepared tonight for the first time with Katrina sitting up in the family room! Still, she needs a Boppy backup to prevent...well, a head Bop, in the less-and-less likely event of a tumble.
Of course, the fallacy in thinking I could chop vegetables in peace while she happily munches on toys was quickly revealed. Oh, but for those pesky brothers!
Every few seconds, I had to crane my head around the corner to bark yet another contrary order: "stop that!" "not allowed!" "one more time and....". I can't wait to attend a "positive discipline" talk in a few weeks. Just how are you supposed to be positive when your baby is in constant peril from zealous love?
At least I got a few photos, and these were not staged. But it was mere minutes later that I had no choice but to carry her around again, for her protection from her brothers. And for their protection from me.
The boys begged me tonight for squash -- yes, squash. "But only the mushy kind," clarified Gabriel. Meaning, baby food. Fine, boys! They willingly polished off pureed butternut squash that I didn't feel like freezing anyway. Another good reason to make your own baby food: quantity. And getting your 3- and 5-year-old to gorge on vegetable puree like it's pudding. Suckers!
5/2/07
Dave went to Tuesday dinner tonight, so I was off the hook for husband-feeding tonight. Good timing, since instead, I took my brood to a birthday barbeque for a mom in my 2004 Mom's group at a nearby park this evening. Ostensibly, the idea was to grill dinner and eat at the park, but I knew better than that. I couldn't imagine playing waitress to the boys in a park and taking care of Katrina. So before we left, I whipped up (cue cheery 1960s Swanson's ad music) a convenient yet nutritious dinner of fridge leftovers, told a baldfaced lie to prompt the boys to clamber into the car, both wailing like banshees for fear of being left behind (the depth of my enjoyment of this scene matched that of their distress), and off we were. Like a herd of turtles, as Dad would say.
I was the most outnumbered parent there, so I got some help from Kate. Her husband teaches yoga (how cool is that!) and they have one beautiful little girl. You can't tell from the photo, but Kate and Yoga Husband are British. You can tell from the photo that she's very, very nice and I always enjoy talking to her.
Katrina's Bonne-Maman-knit sweater from got all the proper fawning-over, and I unabashedly directed its admirers to the triangle details on the sleeves and collar and bragged about the textile skills of my family. Sonia's younger son Lucas took a liking to the buttons and pulled one until it's now held by 2 inches of thread!
Of course, I'm no fool. When baked goods are involved, I always have an ulterior motive.
The 2004 group has a very cool mom who's getting into cake decorating, and she welcomes the opportunity to practice. (You can't tell from the photo, but the cake-decorating mom is Canadian.) A birthday: a perfect excuse to whip up the usual homemade lopsided half-frosted cake, right? Not! Mary did whip this up quickly, but the results are gorgeous. this bow was her first. she uses cake mixes, but always adds things to them, for a very very tasty full cake. This was a streudel spice cake. Gabriel was very polite asking for some. I wasn't.
Getting all three kids to bed is definitely easier now that Katrina's sitting up so much better. Whew.
5/1/07
Katrina's been sitting up so much better! I'm psyched. I still can't quite leave her without a Boppy, but she's not tumbling every few minutes anymore.
So I tried her first Cheerio today!
Well, really a Joe's O. My Mom likes them better than genuine Cheerios, so, what the hey. Clearly, another Trader Joe's convert.
I'd forgotten how hard it is to pick up a dry Cheerio, and then, if you're a baby, how easy it is to lose it.
Katrina dug into the task with focus reminiscent of her older brother, never getting frustrated, just working doggedly at it until she'd lost it entirely. I only gave her one at first, then realized it's much easier for a brand-new-picker-upper to have multiple targets.
Actually eating one was another matter; she never got that far and wouldn't accept one when I helped it to her mouth. But she wasn't in the best mood this afternoon, from a sorely inadequate afternoon nap, so wasn't all that psyched about new experiences.
Once again though, she put on her Sweet face and perked up when Dave got home. Do we have a Daddy's Girl in the making? I'd be delighted.
Julian had an unusual nap today -- he fell asleep in the car while we were picking up Gabriel, and I actually successfully transferred him to the living-room couch. This success was entirely about keeping his pesty brother at bay, as Gabriel full of high spirits and revved up for an afternoon of fraternal torment. And indeed, later, Gabriel spent some time in his room, banished for unmercifully bullying Julian.
Even worse, after three times touching Katrina's face (a serious misdeed), I forbade Gabriel to touch her at all for the rest of the day. He means well, but he is just too rough to be sticking his filthy fingers on her face, or grabbing her ears to pull her head toward him for a kiss. And he just doesn't listen to me.
I made some progress on my closet project this morning, making efficient use of my baby-free morning. I had a thousand other things to do, but I needed to spend some baby-free time away from the office. It felt good to dig my hands into a project.
Believe it or not, this photo is progress, since the closet is now completely empty, of Stuff and of white wire shelving and all the hardware to hang it. (How unlike me not to have gotten a true "before" photo.) My Plan is to put in a solid shelf (no more wire shelves, I hate them) shelf all the way around, tall enough to put bookshelves in, and a rod to hang things on one of the sides of the closet. We don't need 8 feet to hang coats, we barely have 2 feet's worth. We do need lots and lots of shelves. We don't need over half of what was stored in this closet. That's what this project is about: more Storage for less Stuff.
I went swimming tonight, partly to relieve a neck crick I got from attempting chinups at the Y yesterday. It's like taking a drug to counteract the side-effects of another drug. Maybe there really is something to this getting old stuff.
4/30/07
This morning, I watched a "Bellydance fitness fusion" show on KCSM, a public TV station. I was riveted. The teacher is stunningly beautiful, and she and the demonstrators all have solid, full bodies -- no waify ballet bunheads here. I was particularly amazed watching a segment in which the dancers sit on the floor in 2nd position (a straddle) and do exercises for the...ah, rear end. Holy Booty Batman! I've never seen gluteals move like that before. Left boom, right boom, undulate. Move over, Beyonce and J.Lo, you've been out-bunned. I gotta try that!
It was an unusual Sunday for us. Dave took Gabriel to Pacific Coast Dream Machines in Half Moon Bay, a car, truck, airplane, motorcycle, and even motorized unicycle show. This left me with Julian and Katrina all day, with a home improvement project burning to happen. Hah.
After Katrina's much-too-short morning nap, I took Julian and Katrina to the Y, figuring I'd get a few minutes off today and do some weights.
And what do you think I came across happening at the Y? A bellydance class!! I don't believe in fate, but what a fabulous coincidence.
The class had already started, but after hovering shyly outside watching for a few minutes, I couldn't resist. I gathered myself and joined. This is one thing about years of experience in dance classes: humiliation, intimidation, inadequacy, feeling completely lost -- all part of the experience. Every dancer has left a class in tears at some point, and every dancer develops survival strategies and a thick skin. So even though I was completely out of my element, I knew how to survive. I positioned myself to best see the teacher, and then picked out the best dancer in the class to follow.
(The best dancer in the class, who'd clearly bellydanced before, was also the largest lady. But one's eye would be drawn to her first out of the whole group because of her powerful and graceful movement. Indeed, this time I felt like the waiflike ballerina, almost wishing I had more hips.)
What a cool way to move! It's like this gushingly open, sensual, earthy way of celebrating a full body. It didn't come naturally; I felt impeded by years of working for exacting placement, rather than knowing how to just let it go and flow. I was especially psyched when the class did those buns exercises sitting on the floor, though somehow it looked a whoooole lot different than what the teacher in the video did!
Alas, that was the last fun I'd have for the day. Katrina's afternoon nap was also much too short, leaving me just enough time to cut up a huge bowl of yummy fruit (the one Sunday morning tradition I couldn't forego), have a few blueberry yogurt pancakes, and that was it. So much for my closet project. She was impossible, not letting me sit down, let alone sit her down. She took a third micro-nap in the evening, that helped.
Julian played alone much of the day, mostly outside. I felt a little bad about that, but every time I checked him, he was always happily absorbed in something (including getting some "em em" from the neighbors...I sure wish I knew how to put a stop to that!). It's so rare that he gets to play unfettered, without someone -- Gabriel -- pushing him, getting in his way, taking toys, distracting him, ordering him around, taking over a game.
That said, when Dave and Gabriel got home and the boys were reunited tonight, they kicked right into gear, clearly happy to be together again. But that caused instant trouble too (such as spooning peas into their milk glasses). Dave commented that the most tiring and annoying situation for him is the boys together, and I agree. Katrina wore me out today with being endlessly fussy (I'm happy to say that's on the rare side these days), but I don't feel anger toward her or anything as I so often do when the boys are together. It was nice that when Dave got home, he was happy to relax sitting on the couch holding her, and she was at her most relaxed and sweet of the day when (almost) cuddling in Dad's arms.
No photos today, but it was again a nice warm day. Shorts for Julian, a cute short romper for Katrina, capris for me. It's nice looking at chubby (well, relatively) kid legs again.
4/29/07
How did we manage a trip to Southern Lumber and Home Depot all in one day?!
The Southern Lumber trip involved all five of us in two vehicles, and we had to cut it short due to Fussy Baby.
The Home Depot trip was to get things we had to bail on at Southern Lumber, and I didn't really want to go, but the alternative was staying at home with...guess who: Fussy Baby! Julian's screeching before his nap woke her up prematurely. Argh! He was being such a royal pain, there was no way we were going to bail on Julian's nap today.
Katrina got her first ride in the pickup truck. She loved it! Mostly, because she was sitting right next to me and we could smile at each other at stop lights.
Despite numerous obstacles, I was determined to get all the materials needed for a closet upgrade today at Home Depot. I was buying heavy shelving material, and had to push a lumber cart and the stroller together (well, push one and pull the other), get the lumber cut, load it into the pickup, finagle the seatbelt to hold the infant seat in place....a real pain. But nothing compared to the gigantic line in front of the one, yes, ONE, open cashier. I even flagged an employee to point out this inadequacy, and he said he'd tell a manager. 10 minutes later, bouncing an increasingly grouchy baby around, we were still on line. Unbelievable.
Unfortunately, I get these great ideas, spend a lot of money and time getting started on a project, then lose momentum on it from being forced to work on it in tiny scraps of unpredictable time. I'm actually envious of Dave getting to complete a task this afternoon (weed-whacking our out-of-control dandelion forest). If I could reliably dedicate several chunks of hours to a project, and work on it when I feel like it, I might actually complete a project when it's still fresh. And I'd be happy about that. I guess baby life is all about missed opportunity. I miss a lot of opportunities to make myself happy doing little things, even unimportant ones. It's not just getting things done, but rather, the sense of accomplishment that I miss.
But there's always a silver lining, and tonight, I found that. OK, so I can't spend all day tomorrow tearing out this closet. But tonight, I managed to squeeze in a run at Rancho San Antonio, and that completely improved my outlook on life. It puts me back in touch with me again. I almost feel empowered by thinking that I have three children, rather than overwhelmed and inadequate like I do most of the time. Maybe it's runner's high, or maybe it's knowing that they're in bed. Either way, it's a good feeling. For a few minutes, anyway.
4/28/07
A busy, but fairly productive Friday was capped off by a date night. Usually, when we go out, it's on Saturdays, so that we can have an early dinner and movie, but for some reason Friday seemed better this time. I looked forward to it all day, practically counting down minutes to when Peggy arrived!
We're having a little summer preview weather, so in the afternoon, I hung out in the yard with Katrina and the boys.
Somehow I got away with installing some hooks in the garage for the kids' bicycle helmets while Katrina sat outside and watched her brothers. I installed three hooks. Three. I'm still getting used to that.
The boys have been wearing their helmets all the time lately. Today the helmets were "hard hats" for their construction project, busily moving around wood chips with plastic construction vehicles. (Don't let this idyllic scene fool you; Gabriel was actually quite abusive to Julian today, I was pretty mad at him.)
Katrina got some sitting-up practice, then Gabriel read her a monkey book, of his own volition. He sure is sweet to Katrina. (Why can't he be sweet to Julian too?!)
This particular Date Night was to celebrate Dave's promotion at work, to Principal Engineer. Congratulations Dave! He's been at St. Jude Medical for 7 years now, and has done great there. And to think, I wanted him to join a dot-com company when he was looking for a new job back in early 2000. I was so wrong. Not just because St. Jude has worked out great for us (the company has marched along tech-bust-be-darned, the hours reasonable, the location close), but because the crazy dot-com life just isn't him.
Walking around Palo Alto, running into old friends, taking in an old movie at the old movie theatre, then having dinner and dessert at our favorite restaurant...it was nice to be us again.
4/27/07
We're not usually in the habit of perusing the streets for handy junk to keep, but our next-door neighbor was getting rid of some old toys for a friend. The rather nice heap of rather nice junk included a razor scooter in good, if slightly ugly, shape.
I'm still waging my anti-junk crusade, so Dave salvaged it against my objections, but really, there's nothing wrong with it. Turns out, Gabriel can balance it just fine, even with one foot lifted.
Gabriel loves it, and to my surprise, Julian hasn't complained about Gabriel not sharing it yet. I guess Julian just figures it's Gabriel's. (Poor Julian, he gets bossed around a lot by older brother these days.)
Katrina had no end of fun watching her brothers this afternoon playing in the backyard. What a lucky baby, having such constant sources of entertainment. Gabriel wanted to know when Katrina would be old enough to ride the scooter.
And so lucky that Mom is too tired in the middle of the night to cut off night nursing. But last night, baby woke up twice, once at 2am and once at 4am. Both times, she nursed ravenously, making me think it's not really ravenous. Especially since she's eating baby food very well, three times a day. Just how much food can that tiny body take in and still be hungry?
I sure wish she'd sit up though! She's awful! She sits for 2-3 minutes at a time, in the morning, but by afternoon, it's tumble city. One of the problems is that she just wiggles around too much and throws off her delicate balance.
This morning, I ran an errand before Katrina's first morning nap, which meant, 10 minutes in the car each way. As I pulled back into the driveway, I saw her eyes drift close for nary more than a long blink. And that was enough to put off her morning nap until 11am! That'll teach me to go anywhere again before her morning nap. It was such a screwy morning, I was really tired and out of it, and faced with indecision every few minutes about what to do next about Katrina's nap.
Good thing babies are so unbelievably cute!
4/26/07
Recognize this picture? I have numerous ones of the boys sitting in the same place, wrapped in the same towel! Not sure about the goofy expression though.
Katrina did great in swim class today!
She cried briefly the first two or three times she went under, but after that, she only looked startled and didn't cry at all. I have to remember though, her brothers were very used to swimming by her age, and had started to jump off the side.
Still, seeing her in swim class, and also recently testing her out in the seat of a shopping cart (still too tippy), I'm reminded how she takes after Gabriel in welcoming new situations. And, like Gabriel, being in a terrific mood on swim class days -- she was squeaking and vocalizing happily all day after having a grand time in the water.
Also like Gabriel: I'm starting to think her eyes are turning brown??
The boys practiced a little this afternoon for our Baby Loves Disco outing on May 19.
I went running tonight, around the neighborhood. What a letdown after my Rancho run last weekend. Pavement, traffic, driveways...unpaved trails are the way to go. Just like on motorcycles!
4/25/07
