9/8/07 Big busy day for boys

Whew, the boys must be wasted. And it shows with Julian, being a big pain in the rear at bedtime. But, it's understandable.

They had a sleepover last night (and they're both very into them now!). Then swim lessons this morning. Julian got his "green ribbon," which means he advanced a level. Good for him! They hung out at home for a while, then Dave took them out for lunch. Then I took them grocery-shopping. Then they played outside and rode bikes while Dave did yardwork, then Dave took them to the nearby BMX park with their bicycles for two hours. Gabriel was very proud of himself that he'd gone over some of the bumps. They were both so filthy afterward that we gave them a bath before dinner.

Meantime, I was on with Katrina all day, and I do mean ON. Today was the day of The Stand, in which she pulled herself up to a stand every chance she had, but then would get stuck and cry. She needed attention and intervention every few minutes, and that was with a liberally applied "let her figure it out" policy. Not good on a day I wasn't feeling very well or energetic, despite starting off the day with an old-fashioned high-impact aerobics class at my old gym.

I took Katrina to an open house across the street, meeting up with numerous other nosy neighbors checking it out. One of those neighbors I invited inside our house to get the grand tour -- neighbors are always curious what our house looks like on the inside, given its unusual outside. I always prepare them to be disappointed!

Katrina was being impossible, crying and insisting on being held, but then not letting me hold her. She needed to get out. So I took her to Whole Foods for some nonessential shopping, and got Gabriel to come with me, then Julian didn't want to be left behind either. So, all three it was. The boys were pretty good overall, but it's still hectic keeping track of them in a crowded grocery store. Thank heavens for the salsa-sampling table today, with the corresponding chips that kept them all three busy for a while. I had to get Gabriel to go find Julian once, and Gabriel brought him back leading him calmly by his hand, it was very cute.

We ran into Betsy and her clan of three too! It was sort of a relief to see a kindred spirit, grocery-shopping with three kids of just about the same ages. And, in the same setup too: baby in the cart, the other two walk. To think, lots of moms wait until they have childcare for one before grocery-shopping, and here Betsy and I dare it with three. The real daring part is doing it at packed Whole Foods on a Saturday.

My nonessential shopping included picking up some ingredients to try a simple Spanish chicken-cutlet recipe I saw on 30-Minute Meals today. I really like Rachael Ray; her recipes and style are very accessible, and the show isn't overproduced. It's just her talking about the food, doing it very casually (like using a coffee cup for measuring rice, and approximating spice measurements in her hand), no music or silly closeups of turning the oven on, and no pre-cut ingredients that some flunky cut up before the show, and no dishes partially made already ("this takes a while so I have one already started...."). She pulls everything out of the pantry and fridge and carries it to her prep area, opens packages and pulls out bowls and pans and knives just like you and I would do. Well, as I would aspire to do anyway. I'm sure it's still contrived (how handy that the box of rice is right there at the front), but still, the way the whole show goes is fairly convincing that you really could do this in 30 minutes.

But, despite my best intentions, I didn't make what I saw or shopped for today. By the time I got my act together tonight, it was too late to try something new, and I knew the boys would come back from the BMX park tired and hungry. Maybe tomorrow.

My mind has been spinning on a new-not-so-new idea on how to solve my weekday schedule problems. The idea comes from my friend at my old gym who's a marathon runner with 4 young children: a nanny at home two days a week. That's what she does, to run and to have the flexibility to do activities with her kids. The idea has many possibilities. With someone else here, I could pick Gabriel up from school, take Julian to music class, go running, do office and remodeling things -- still with the kids, but without hard pickup/dropoff times. The other non-nanny days would be preschool days for Julian, and I'd have Katrina alone during those mornings and could take Gabriel to school (the morning nap problem is a little easier to work with and is temporary anyway), and would send Gabriel to the CDC for MWF afternoons. Then I could stop morning CDC care every day, and Tuesday-Thursday afternoon CDC care for Gabriel.

Some weekend support would be nice too, so that Dave and I can do things together, without tag-teaming or being overrun by children. There is still a lot to be said for finding infant care for Katrina MWF mornings when Julian is in preschool. But then Gabriel is at CDC/school full-time. I'm still mulling it all over.

18 months. 18 months old and the pressure starts to lift. I remember now that I felt this exact way when the boys were babies too: love my babies, but feel intense time and activity restriction. 18 months isn't that far off. And now, I can also look ahead and see that there's a lot of fun in store: taking walking, talking, potty-trained, self-feeding and now, two-wheeling, boys bicycling at a BMX park is exactly the sort of neat thing I'd envisioned doing with kids. Right now, I can't easily participate in those things, but someday, we'll have three of them doing it. Wow.

9/8/07

9/7/07 The pickup

I had a vague in-theory feeling before Gabriel started kindergarten that it would turn my world topsy-turvy, but couldn't begin to pinpoint why. And I still can't. But it has.

After all this angst about wanting more time off, missing my adult side, having dreams about going back to work and the fridge being empty, today I woke up in a minor panic about all my children growing up and leaving me. It's as though my mom instincts have kicked back in and swung me the other way. I know I'll reach equilibrium eventually, but even though I anticipated an adjustment, it's been even more than I realized -- and it's still happening.

This morning, Dave got the boys off to school before I even saw them. Then I had Katrina all day to myself, and she was a total delight. After breakfast, she played in the family room, crawling around and giggling to herself, making adorable "bah!" sounds, and just thoroughly enjoying herself.

I tried to get some video of her being hilarious at lunch, but as soon as I turned the camera on, she mostly was just looking for more food. This was the best I could get.


She woke up late enough from her morning nap that I was able to plan to pick Gabriel up directly from his kindergarten class today. And though she was getting ready for nap#2, we actually managed it!

(Talking to Steph today made me realize this might not be clear: I don't drop Gabriel off at his kindergarten class, nor do I pick him up. We drop him off at the CDC, which is a daycare center about 20 feet away in a different building on his school campus. Then, the CDC staff takes him to school at 10:40am, and picks him up from school at 2:45pm and brings him back to the daycare center. There, they amuse him until we're good and ready to pick him up. It's exactly what working parents would do, and we pay dearly for it. I really like the CDC, that's where he went for summer "camp," the staff is very very nice and caring and fun, and they have lots and lots of fun older-kid stuff for him to do. It's well-run and communication is good -- the school itself could learn something from them. Still, I'd like to cut out either the morning or afternoon CDC care, but right now, Gabriel's kindergarten schedule conflicts squarely with Katrina's naps and the rest of our lives. I know other moms work around this, but I haven't figured out how yet.)

The pickup was instructive: I got an initiation to the traffic patterns (basically, stop and more stop behind a parade of minivans), and learned another basic thing about kindergarten vs. preschool: you pick them up when the teacher is ready, not when you're ready. There's no "I'm here, let's go!" Instead, it's "wait outside until they're let out." A subtle but significant difference, especially when you're toting along a baby on the verge of a nap. And no fun if it's raining, I imagine.

Fortunately, Katrina held it together, beaming at other moms, bouncing in the stroller, cackling and laughing and putting on her best cute-baby show.

One of my biggest objections to Gabriel's schedule is that he's away from home full-time every day, and it's too much for me. I miss him. Gabriel! Yes, my wily, challenging, independent tough cookie. Who's in a most delightful place in life right now. I even miss seeing the boys play together all afternoon! Is that possible? Just two weeks ago I couldn't wait for that to be over! A severe case of the grass is greener, or what?!

I'm SO glad I was able to bring Gabriel home this afternoon. Katrina went down for her nap right away, then I had a very nice quiet time alone with Gabriel. We had a snack, we talked about school a little, he showed me some numbers on the calculator and had me help him say them, we talked about how many minutes there are in a day, and he calculated it on his calculator.

And, we made some chocolate-zucchini muffins together. Betsy sent me a recipe with allspice in it, which was juuust enough excuse to make it. Plus, the boys had a sleepover at Tonya's tonight, so I thought I'd bring some goodies. I let Gabriel do way more than I usually do, including cracking eggs himself (splat!), pouring things into measuring cups, and handling the mixer. No easy feat because all he wants to look at is what number the mixer speed is set to. But we had a great time.

It was a really, really nice afternoon with my delightful firstborn child, after a really, really nice morning with my delightful lastborn child. I didn't get to spend much time doing "me" stuff, but for once, the pull wasn't there today.

9/7/07

9/6/07 A day with Julian

My childcare schedule is sort of a mess right now. Too much time for Gabriel, too little time for Katrina, just right for Julian....but the times themselves are a mishmash.

Today Katrina was at Tonya's all day, so I had Julian alone all day. I could put him at Tonya's, and I could have picked up Gabriel early, but I wanted to see how it would go having Julian alone all day. Answer: fine, though I got to do less of grownup things I wanted to, and he got to do less of kid things he wanted to. And, I discovered, I'm not used to having just one kid to deal with anymore!

I took Julian running at Rancho this morning, then to the park for a 2004 playgroup. A reasonable compromise between grownup and kid fun.

After a false start and a fake-out, he cooperated for some self-time photos at Rancho today.














An interesting day for photos because of the odd reddish glow of the sun filtering its way through the forest fire smoke haze in the sky. It made the light a lot like that of a low sunset, but this was in the late morning when the sun would usually be getting too bright and strong for good pictures.

After being out all morning and early afternoon at Rancho and the park, I was ready for a shower and lunch. When we got home, Julian went straight out back and put his bicycle helmet on to do "construction," then quietly played in the dirt for nearly two hours. So outgoing and friendly, yet also very happy playing on his own.

(Yesterday, Julian was in fine form announcing things out of the blue to random people. He stopped an older lady in front of the grocery store and informed her, "I have Red Hot Chili Peppers in my car!" (Not surprisingly, she had no idea what he was talking about, even if she had spoken English.) Then inside the grocery store, he asked me loudly and clearly enough for the numerous people around us to hear, "Are you my Mom?" No, I'm your kidnapper, thanks a lot!)

Tonight Dave and I went to Back to School night at Gabriel's school, which was held in Gabriel's classroom and conducted by his teacher. She went through the curriculum, including the things they'll do on a non-daily basis, such as the weekly music class and PE, and showed us the books they'll use and described the sorts of things the kindergartners will learn. Very useful. So far I really like the teacher and what he'll be learning, but I'm still not crazy about the shot-in-the-dark information from the school administration itself.

We had a chance to see things posted on the walls that the kids had done, including coloring an elephant and writing something about it on the same paper. I was very impressed with the artistry and creativity of many of Gabriel's classmates, whereas Gabriel's idea of coloring was to draw a grid inside the elephant's outline, and then meticulously color squares inside the grid. If he has a future as an artist, early emergence of his talent won't be its hallmark.

Katrina was in fabulous form today, of all days, when she was at Tonya's all day and then with Peggy this evening. Smiling, giggling, cackling, crawling around and finding new things to open and pull everything out of...and, I realized today, the awful screeching has subsided too. Yay! It makes me look forward to a peaceful morning alone with her tomorrow.

In fact, I like time alone with each kid, and for very different reasons with each one. The pull of being with my baby is strong, as babies change so quickly and need their mommies so much and are just so adorable. But at the same time, each day that goes by with my schoolkid away all day increases the pull to have him home too. Suddenly his days living at home seem numbered.

Then there's Julian....the quintessential middle kid. Half of me is in schoolkid mode and half of me is in baby mode, and I'm struggling to reconcile those two lives. But there's a preschooler in the mix too. Maybe he's exactly the middle ground I need.

9/6/07

9/5/07 Back to the grind?

I had a dream last night that I was back at work, and I was so relieved! What was the big deal? I thought.

It's not going to happen anytime soon, because of the remodel, and because I'm really not sure what/where I'd want to work anyway. It's just on my mind some more partly because my scattered thoughts got more focused from talking a lot with my successful sister-in-law over the weekend, whose career in the corporate world is skyrocketing, and who really enjoys her job.

But tonight, idly writing an email message, it came together for me, how Gabriel going to school marks a real change in my life. When he was born, I was his whole life. Since then, he's gradually gained autonomy as he's grown up, but school marks the beginning of his own "career," if you will, his own life as a student. It makes me want to be a grownup again, to resume my own life, to re-integrate my adult side. I can't, and never want to, completely set aside my life as a mom, but I'm readier than ever for it not to be my entire life.

It's hard not to think sometimes that the perfect phase of momhood/kidhood for me is having a kindergarten 5-year-old and a preschool 3-year-old. One kid in real school with his own life now, and one on the way there soon. Not too close, not too far.

But there is this poor innocent *baby* in the mix! One who deserves a mom who's into being a baby mom.

Today I had a lot of wonderful baby-mom moments with Katrina. I sat on the floor a lot and played with her. I held her up by her hands, and she cackled and giggled, delighted by her stance, though still unsure of how to move her feet. I made her Wedgit towers and she had a grand time knocking them over. I got out a little push-wagon for her and helped her stand up on it. We made lots of funny noises and faces during mealtimes.

We also got a very nice unexpected visit from Kevin and daughter Fiona this evening. It was 11 months ago today that Dave called Kevin at 2:30am, the classic call: "It's TIME!" and Kevin rushed over to watch the boys while we went to the hospital to bring this feisty little life into the world. Kevin, like most people who haven't seen Katrina for a while, was surprised by her reddish hair. She was enthralled by the visitors and liked playing with Fiona. Meantime, the boys were very well-behaved and charming.

Such an idyllic picture. How could I not be completely, utterly taken and delighted by my life? What privilege I must enjoy, what lack of adversity must exist, for me to complain about my life caring for a healthy, vital baby! What's it going to take to appreciate all I have, someone getting seriously ill? Financial ruin? Breaking a limb? So now I must reconcile guilt with the tug of wanting to rejoin the grownup world. I want to want to be a baby mom again. Or maybe I'm just forgetting that a big part of being a baby mom is missing your grownup side.

This ambivalent state will fix itself whether I want it to or not. And Gabriel's going to school is the clear, tangible evidence that the baby life is in fact very, very fleeting.

9/5/07

9/4/07 Unofficial end of summer

Sniff! Laura and Ryan went home this morning, Gabriel went to school, and routine picks up again. But not before one last hugfest with Julian.

Dave took the day off work today, which gave me a chance for a much-overdue run. I thought it'd be a bust, since I've been fighting a low-grade migraine for 8 days now, and I could feel it building again this morning. But chances for jogging-stroller-free runs are few now, so I grabbed it while I could. I was really anxious to hit the trails just to free and clear my mind -- being out in the hills and trees and natural setting is downright soul-cleansing.

I wound up doing my longest run yet, just shy of 10 miles. I ran the PG&E trail again, but this time, I went the other way, approaching the pinnacle via Upper High Meadow trail. I suspected this way would be somewhat easier, as the climbs are spread out across more miles, but it was more than "somewhat" easier, it was a whole heck of a lot easier. Running back down the PG&E trail reminded me how many steep, long, difficult climbs there are. If I hadn't done it once, I'd have thought today while going down, that there was no way I'd make it up.

When I got home, Katrina was still asleep for what would be her one nap of the day. This freed us to go to a park this afternoon, so we went to the toddler area at Creekside to meet up with the 2004 group. Julian really never spent a lot of time there, since by the time he was old enough to play on the play structures, Gabriel had outgrown it. Actually, now Julian's outgrown it too, but he was quite happy there today.

Katrina hasn't been on a lot of play structures, so this was new to her too.
She had a great time playing in the tunnel, making an attempt to crawl down the short step out of it (a first), and crawling back and forth in it.















I met up with one 2004 mom I hadn't met, and got some chatting in too.

On the way back from the park, we picked up Gabriel. Within minutes, the sky turned black, the air putrid, and a swarm of locusts fell upon us. Gabriel was on a mission to cause a fight, and when he sets his mind to something, there is no stopping him.

It started with Gabriel shouting that he didn't want to hear Red Hot Chili Peppers Song #2, which I was playing at Julian's request. I ignored his insults, demands and blood-curdling threats ("You're not allowed in the house now, Mom!"), and brought the bunch inside. Or tried. Gabriel put his full weight against the door and tried to keep me out, so I pushed it door open and carefully pushed through, as I was carrying bags and Katrina.

The writing was on the wall: we were headed for a big long drawn-out fight. After he made a move to hit me, I sent him to his room. Time to remove the caustic agent! But first, he had a parting shot: he knocked over the little bookcase next to the front door, which came down with a loud crash that made Dave run in to see what had happened. Thank goodness I hadn't set Katrina down yet. As it is, a wooden knob on the bookcase caused a deep dent in the old oak floor.

What do you do for such an infraction? He got a spanking and was sent to his room for the rest of the evening, coming down only for dinner. Even then, he was rude and insulting, but I managed to ignore it. Julian requested a Draco story, and despite Gabriel's obnoxious demands to stop, he ended up getting sucked into the story, and dinner went pretty well after that. But no cookies, and straight back upstairs after dinner. As I type, I hear Gabriel throwing things around his room, apparently missing out on storytime for threatening to hit Dave and Julian with a plastic toy during the bath-bedtime process.

I don't know what happened to him today. He was in a good mood when I picked him up, but it all went awry with the wrong song. I'm happy to say this doesn't happen often anymore, but it's an ugly preview of what could come when he's a teenager. When he wants to dish it out, he has no equal.

I need another long steep run up the PG&E trail. It's less painful.

9/4/07

p.s. today's route:

According to Rancho Runner:

10) Parking -> Lower Meadow -> Farm Bypass -> Coyote -> Farm ->
Rogue Valley -> Upper Rogue Valley -> Upper High Meadow -> PG&E ->
Wildcat Loop (NE) -> Coyote -> Parking

Results for route: 1efwu3mlkr654tuwv21
Route Miles Up  Down
  1E  0.30   15    0
  EF  0.54   40    0
  FW  0.23  120    0
  WU  0.25    0   50
  U3  0.15    0   20
  3M  0.31   25    0
  ML  0.69  125    0
  LK  0.51   75    0
  KR  1.00  400    0
  R6  0.32   60    0
  65  1.26  520    0
  54  1.86  100 1020
  4T  0.12    0   80
  TU  0.53    0  180
  UW  0.25   50    0
  WV  0.67  120    0
  V2  0.51    0  195
  21  0.29   30    0

Total Distance = 9.79 Miles, 1680 feet of climbing

9/3/07 Labor Day

Laura and Ryan are the embodiment of Labor Day, a day meant to remedy labor: relax, rest, hang out. No one does these feats like they do, and it's marvelously infectious.

The boys -- all of them -- went to a nearby BMX bicycle park that just opened, so that the boys -- the three of them who had bicycles -- could ride around. Julian made a huge leap, and can now stop and start on the two-wheeler by himself! Later he was riding around the backyard fast, having been released from the training wheels. Go little biker!

Meanwhile, we girls made a pilgrimmage to the new Whole Foods, something I knew Laura, a foodie mentor of mine, would appreciate.














We didn't get a lot of photos this trip somehow, a shame because we had under our roof the best photographer possible for our semi-cooperative brood. It's not easy to get closeups of Katrina-grabby-paws anyway!

At least I got a few of Uncle & Aunt with their niece, even though they mostly spent time with their healthier and more agreeable nephews.

It took some time for Katrina to warm up to new grownups holding her, especially considering that she cries even when grownups she knows (Tonya, Peggy) hold her when Mom or Dad are around. But she did so pretty fast with Laura and Ryan.

She's gonna warm up real fast, and the boys will be even happier, when they put together the following combination of elements:

1) Mom hates going to big crowded places
2) Dad doesn't like it either
3) Laura and Ryan live in southern California
4) Laura and Ryan love Disneyland!

Someday! But for now, an unlaborful Labor Day is the way to go.

9/3/07

9/2/07 Pool afternoon

Swam and hung out by the pool Sunday with Laura and Ryan. Fun!


Katrina has a cold and isn't at her best, but she had fun swimming too.



9/2/07

8/31/07 The Schedules

Just as I expected, kindergarten throws a huge wrench into the family's schedule. I'm not the only new-K mom I know trying to figure it all out, especially with younger siblings with different needs. Many new-K moms also have to deal with their kids being upset or fearful about it, but this is a complete non-issue with Mr. Shrug.

Today, Gabriel's youngest sibling with different needs needed her naps -- and really needed them -- exactly during Gabriel's pickup/dropoff times. Without the CDC, I'd have had to wake her twice, and she'd have been a PITA all day. In fact, her morning naps have even been conflicting with the AM kindergartners' pickup times. There's no way around it. Baby naps and kindergarten don't mix.

In fact, this afternoon, I thought she might hold out until 2:45 so that I could pick up Gabriel directly from school, but at 2:10, not only was she falling apart, so was Julian. It was a mad scramble keeping her happy just long enough to persuade Julian to take a nap, which he did soundly, until we woke him at 6:15pm (!).

I know I'm not the only mom who juggles multiple schedules, but clearly I'm far less competent, selfless and flexible than other moms. I just can't bear the idea of waking up my moderately-high-needs baby, and don't know how to "make" her nap schedule work.

Even if Gabriel were on the AM schedule (8:40am - 12:05pm) and I picked him up every day (after waking Katrina up), then what? What would he do all afternoon? I take Katrina grocery-shopping and do little things with her, but the things I'd do with her are hardly great fun for him. Gabriel, of all kids, can amuse himself all afternoon at home, but every afternoon?

And then there's Julian. He doesn't always need a nap, but there are days when he most certainly does. Today was one of them. It'd suck for Gabriel if I'd planned to take him somewhere and had to bail because Julian was being impossible.

Yesterday when I picked Gabriel up at the CDC, he was intently watching a 3rd-grader playing with "Snap Circuits." He was all over it, barely containing himself from taking over, fascinated, thrilled, practically drooling watching this very nice and tolerant 3rd-grader following instructions on putting together circuits (the pieces snap together) and then pushing a button to make a tone or a light go on. Gabriel has pretty much not stopped talking about Snap Circuits since.

Actually, Snap Circuits is a bad example, because that's one thing he can't do at the CDC, and he could do at home if we had them. The CDC has a class of toys that only 3rd-graders-and-up can play with, and this was among them (marked 8+ years old). Nevertheless, the opportunities for play, toys and interaction there far exceed what he can get at home.

I need to find some sort of middle ground. I'm a big believer in home downtime, but that can't be half his day every day either. So for now, as long as Katrina's napping twice a day, and then during her transition to one nap, I think we'll keep him at the CDC before and after school. That said, as Katrina transitions to one nap, I'll start working towards making it end at 2:30, since 2:45 pickups will be a problem for as long as Katrina is napping at all. Which I hope is a long time.

This could all be solved with the lowly school bus, but inexplicably, in one of the most affluent communities in the country, we don't have school buses or lunchrooms.

8/31/07

8/30/07 Slammed again

I'm really starting to resent this. My first kid-free day in some time, and a special occasion at that, since Julian isn't scheduled for Thursdays usually, and I spent much of it staggering under the crushing force of the migraine. It's been threatening all week, coming in and out, and affecting me in strange insidious ways (such as signing checks with my maiden name, or forgetting how to shift gears in my car, and dish-clinking sounds driving me to scream STOP!!). I've taken Imitrex with mixed results, sort of holding it off. But the piano fell out of the sky squarely onto my head today.

We're having a heat wave here, so the headache, heat, and child-free state all added up to taking a genuine full-on yoga class this morning. One of the few useful things one of the doctors at the headache clinic said was that some of my trouble might come from ultra-tight shoulders and neck. Could this be a biomechanical problem all along? Though I do yoga stretching, I'm a rank beginner with yoga technique, and the class today was great to tune up my method.

I went home relaxed, and lay down for a nap...and woke up with the piano on my head. I almost wasn't sure where or who I was, lying on the bed with the intense pressure squashing my will to get up, to think, to look around. Any visual or auditory input was agonizing. Eventually boredom and experience gave me the energy to get up, as I've learned over the years that changing my surroundings can make a marginal improvement. Unable to do much else, I went out to meet Dave for lunch, as being indoors was excruciating. The distraction and the avocado-mozzarella-tomato-basil salad restored basic function for the afternoon, but I'm still feeling traumatized by the severity of the pressure earlier today. And it's not over yet.

We got some wonderful gifts from Bonne Maman and Papa Paul in the mail! Yesterday I took a few videos of the boys opening them. WARNING: these are really boring and interesting only to grandparents. Everyone's welcome to see, of course, but this is hardly making cinematographic history.

Gabriel and Julian's video thank-you note:


Gabriel tries to read the tag on his gift while Julian opens his:


Gabriel reads the tag on Katrina's gift (she was already in bed):


Katrina opened hers today, and mostly was puzzled by the scotch tape sticking to her fingers. But she did due diligence on the book itself, chewing it immediately.


I'm happy to report that she was much better-natured today, and ate well, instead of fussing at every turn of events. What a relief, and what a fun baby when she's like that. Playing with a fun baby tonight was a welcome and short respite from the miserable clamour of pain and pressure pummeling my head.

Gabriel's kindergarten teacher told me in email (we had a brief exchange about his accidental hot lunch) that he's a "sweet boy" and has good manners! Now that's a relief! Oh my, if only she knew! And I hope she never does!

8/30/07

8/29/07 Lunch notes

Julian has decided his name is now "Henry." At first, I misunderstood when he said, "I hate being Julian." What sort of deep-seated self-esteem issue have I fostered in a 3-year-old? But no, he meant just his name. So now he's Henry. He actually told someone at Target today his name was Henry. This could be a problem if he ever gets lost!

I'm torn about what to do with Gabriel's schedule. I'm surprised how much I miss him and think about him all day, much moreso than when he was at pre-K. But, he is having a grand time at the CDC, rather than being stuck at home every afternoon due to baby naps. And today, Katrina's naps conflicted perfectly with both pickup and dropoff times, confirming my concerns about time conflicts. And he really likes the CDC, as do I.

This morning when I dropped Gabriel off, it was unusually quiet in the CDC since the only kids there were a small group of PM kindergartners. Three girls were sitting and looking at a set of interlocking plastic pieces, apparently discussing what to do. When Gabriel walked in, they immediately chimed, "Gabriel! Will you help us build something?" Oh boy, was he in his element! He took right over and started masterfully instructing them. He didn't even glance back to see me slinking uselessly away. How can hanging around at home with Chopped Liver (formerly known as Mom) compare to the admiring attention of three adorable little girls? (Though really, girls, isn't it a little early for the damsel-in-distress routine? Sheesh, build it yourselves!)

I took Julian and Katrina to Target today, and happened to come across their tiny stock of grownup Halloween shirts. Already! In August! They'd just been put out this morning, and sure enough, people were buying them. Including me. I'm tired of asking people in the few days before Halloween, "Where did you get that cute T-shirt?" only to hear, "At Target, in August -- but I think they're out of them now." Well hah. Now I have a Halloween T-shirt. In August. Boo for me.

On Erin's inspiration, I ordered a monogrammed lunch box from Land's End for Gabriel. Gabriel's monogrammed towel is very handy in potential misplacement situations, so I figure a clearly labelled lunch box is a good thing for kindergarten.

But I'll have a little regret, since I'm actually having fun labelling his paper lunch bags. Gabriel pointed out to me yesterday that I hadn't put a heart before his name, so I added it for today.

I've heard of moms sticking notes in with their kids' lunches, so I tried it today. Partly, I did so to remind Gabriel about his lunch items, though I'd talked with him about it ahead of time.

So I asked him if he found the note, and he happily exclaimed that he had, and he really liked it and thought it was funny, then recited it back to me word for word. "Look for the cheese! Love, Mom," he laughed. Now the pressure's on. Can I can come up with a cute note every day?

(By the way, talking to Gabriel about what to look for in his lunch, and "negotiating" what to put in it, made the difference between his barely touching it, and today, almost finishing it. He insisted on the same exact thing for tomorrow as today, so he's getting that, and a note that says so.)

Gabriel decided some days ago that August 30 was his beloved Bear's birthday. He even went so far as to write it down on the calendar, and has been counting down days until the birthday. Today I suggested to him that we make a present for Bear, in the form of a photo of Gabriel with him. This led to a photo session, in which I got a nice picture of Gabriel and Bear. I'm still trying to persuade him to hold off on Bear's party until this weekend, when Aunt Laura and Uncle Ryan will be here, and I'll take the excuse to try making a bear-shaped cake.

Then I managed to turn the three minutes Katrina was content sitting into an impromptu all-three photo session. I got some rare shots of them in birth order, though it took some fast-talking and persuading, since Gabriel usually insists on sitting next to Katrina.




Katrina was still grouchy, un-smiley, hard-to-please and not eating well today, but no temperature. That means, for me, no Katrina tomorrow. Love her though I do, it'll be a relief.

8/29/07

8/28/07 The temperature

My first Tuesday of our so-called "regular" schedule, with Julian and Katrina all day.

And oh, did I have grand plans! I'd take Katrina and Julian to the park, to meet up with the 2006 Las Madres group at 10am (finally!). Then I'd take them running in the double jogging stroller. Katrina would get her morning nap there, then we'd go home and have lunch. I'd take the kids to Rite-Aid to pick up a prescription, and buy more kid toothbrushes (to resolve a nightly conflict over the one SpongeBob toothbrush), and Katrina would take a good nap in her own bed in the afternoon.

The Plan fell apart by 9:45am, when Katrina really, really needed a nap RIGHT NOW. She napped until noon, I gave her and Julian lunch, and went about the thousands of details needed to get two kids out of the house, and myself ready, to run.

By the time we hit the trail, it was 1:15pm, and it was hot. We're having a mini-heat-wave right now, and somehow I managed to pick the hottest time of day on a hot day to run an open enough trail for a double jogger, which means little shade. And it was hot. And tough. The route I took isn't all that steep, and I've run it before with the double, but today I compulsively tacked on an extra little bit. It darned near wiped me out. I couldn't believe how bad I felt on the way back, which was mostly downhill.

When we finally arrived at the parking lot, I was shocked at how dizzy and strange I felt in the head. I'm not entirely certain, but I think a lot of that was due to a migraine flickering the background. After all, yesterday was Monday. Then again, much of the exhaustion could easily be from the heat and supreme effort of pushing the double jogger up even the most modest of hills. Whew.

My car was parked in the shade, and the parking lot was actually fairly breezy, so its outdoor thermometer shouldn't be too far off. Should it? It read 100 degrees.

I had an impulse to pick Gabriel up on the way back, early at 3:15pm, but decided that today wasn't the day to test out having him home early. I was so so tired and hungry, and knew that as it was, I'd have my hands full with the younger two the second I walked through the door.

And sure enough, Katrina came through: fussy and edgy and crying and impossible to please. The low point came trying to wash my face from eye-stinging sweat with one hand while holding her, and trying to snag gulps of warm water in between. Sheesh, grownups in the real world are allowed a few moments to take care of themselves when they're completely wrung out!

I got her down for a nap and took a quick shower while Julian played by himself downstairs, as he had much of the day. He was angelic today; calm and cooperative and sweet and playing quietly with books or drawing. He doesn't get much unfettered time alone at home, it was nice for both of us. We had a nice yogurt snack together before going to pick up Gabriel.

After dinner, I attempted to get a photo of all three, since it so happened they were all dressed in light blue today. It's not a total accident, as I do choose all their clothes the night before. But it's not really a conscious matching thing either. I was just in a light blue state of mind, I guess.

The photo session was a bust though.

First, the boys were still excited about their reunion, the exact moment of which marked the end of Julian's affability. Immediately, he was injected with Obnoxious Potion and did his utmost to cause trouble thereafter.

Then Katrina was crying inconsolably. I took a picture anyway, and unwittingly captured a rather tender scene of Gabriel genuinely trying to comfort her. It never ceases to warm my heart to see how consistently and completely he loves his little sister.

Meantime, Julian just did his best to ruin the photo shoot.

I whisked Katrina up off to an early bedtime, nursed her for a good long time,then picked her up for the bath.....uh-oh. It was hot today, but not hot like this. Her skin had that now very familiar burning sensation. Sure enough: 101.7. No wonder she'd been extra-high-maintenance tonight, and didn't eat well. This is her first real temperature, too. I wonder if it could be teeth?

Selfishly I'm praying that she'll be better tomorrow. My one baby-free day of the week is coming up Thursday. I'd even toyed with the idea of tackling the tough PG&E trail again. But not with today's temperatures. Both of them.

8/28/07

extracting information

Are torture methods useful in getting prisoners to confess with reliable information?

Yes, if it's a father playing a guessing game with a reluctant kindergartner to extract valuable data about the kindergarten proceedings.

Dave's reconnaissance mission directed an interrogation toward lessons in letters and numbers. He was able to extract the following intelligence from the subject kindergartner interogee:
- Numbers were discussed. The teacher doesn't know any numbers above 10.
- Letters were discussed. The teacher does, however, know the whole alphabet.

He's gonna crack next time, I just know it.

8/27/07 An unnatural act

I did it. It's like overcoming an addiction, facing limitations, taking a first step into unraveling years of built-up compulsive behavior, of letting go of recreating my own childhood. I challenged my innermost concept of motherhood, and in a small way, shifted my self-image.

So it is not lightly that I take a deep breath and announce to my friends, my family -- indeed, the world:

Today I ordered a Halloween costume on eBay.

It was time. Though I once again started thinking about Halloween in July, painful history tells of a huge time scramble, late nights, of long lines and even longer credit-card bills at Jo-Ann Fabrics, of serious design flaws, and worst, of uncomfortable children who don't want to wear their goofy home-made costumes.

Oh, I'm not over this addiction. I'll still get my hands dirty with countless varieties of glue, draw and re-draw designs, scour household goods for raw materials and spend a lot of money and time. But Julian has been sufficiently consistent with saying he wants to be a clown that it was a good opportunity to outsource. And save the engineering for costumes that aren't easily bought, as Gabriel won't be dissauded from something battery-powered.

Now, can I bring myself to buy a ladybug costume for Katrina? One step at a time, folks.

Katrina had lots of fun tonight crawling around "chasing" Julian, making loud screechy sounds that are hard to tell if they're giggling or crying. I'm not she knows herself.

After all that yesterday about reading the school lunch menu, and deciding that Gabriel would bring a packed lunch every day, Gabriel got a school lunch today.

Today when I picked up him up, I had to run back into the CDC to his cubby to get his "project," along with some notices and his lunch. I noticed his cubby had two other names now, but found his things there.

But at home, I saw that his lunch hadn't been touched. "Why didn't you eat your lunch, Gabriel?" I asked him. "Oh!" he declared happily. "I had a hot lunch!" Huh? "I had chocolate milk and cookies!" Great.

It was hard to get anything out of him, but apparently the CDC folks couldn't find his lunch to bring with him to kindergarten. My guess is that his cubby's been moved, but he's still putting his lunch in his old summertime cubby, so the CDC staff couldn't find it.

That still leaves the mystery of how he got a hot lunch, but all he said was something about a fifth-grader getting it for him.

Once again, I'm frustrated by the lack of information about how lunch works. There should be something on their Web site about the hot lunches, and about how kindergartners even go to lunch at all. Does the teacher take them? Are they left to their own devices for half an hour? I remember someone telling me something about getting help from volunteer older graders; maybe that's what Gabriel was talking about. I get the most information from the CDC staff, actually.

(Dave asked a good question: why are they giving the kids chocolate milk? That's out of step with this day and age's concern with childhood obesity. Especially when the menu just says "milk.")

Naturally, I'll ask about cubbies tomorrow. And try to find out if Gabriel owes a 5th grader some money!

8/27/07

8/26/07 Snooping

This morning, I took the boys to a birthday pool party, that was held, mercifully, at baby's naptime. So Katrina stayed behind while the boys and I went in the water.

I missed most of their water playtime because we were a little late. Then, grossly overestimating how much time we had, I decided to swim some laps myself, while my friends kindly agreed to keep an eye on the boys. I took a break from swimming, looked up, and found all the kids at the tables eating pizza. Oops!

Great place for a party though. Quinton's parents sure know how to throw a party.

Later in the afternoon, I resurrected my old backpack (one of a few items that survived the ill-fated "we're done with babies" sweep) and took Katrina open-housing, largely to practice evaluating kitchens.

First I saw a $1.8M house in unincorporated territory, by following signs, and there was no one there except a lonely, anxious realtor.

Then I saw a $1.5M house next to a nice park, and it was packed with Asian families. They obviously know something I don't, because though this less expensive house was nearby, it was much, much nicer -- better layout, better kitchen, better yard, better location, better feel overall.

However, I didn't like the kitchen! I'm not sure why yet, but right away it struck me as cramped, even though it's in a fine space. The obvious prep place for food is pretty far from the fridge. Plus there's not enough space on either side of the cooktop, and the weird 3-level island isn't inviting.

The lonely realtor at the more expensive house commented that the schools the house is zoned for have "high API scores." I just can't get myself to care about API scores in choosing a house. Is this really a decision factor? Do people really choose a house in Los Altos over one in Cupertino because of a local school's score on this one specific test? It's worth a moment's interest, I guess, and an extreme score one way or another is worth asking about. And I want my kid to succeed as much as the next guy. But isn't there a whole, whole lot more that goes into a kid's school experience -- and life outcome -- than one measure? I'm already not crazy about the way Gabriel's school is run, but its "API" score is very, very low on my list of things to care about. I don't even know what API stands for.

Meantime, in Cupertino, home of the largest Whole Foods Market west of Austin TX, (and whose schools apparently have high API scores), a sampling from the school hot lunch menu:

Monday: Turkey Pizza Pocket
Tuesday: Chicken Nuggets
Wednesday: Nachos/Tortilla Chips
Thursday: Cheese Pizza
Friday: Chicken Patty/Bun

There are "healthy" things available every day, like applesauce or "chilled pears" (code word for "canned"), and milk. But there's plenty of opportunity for kids to eat nothing but junk for lunch. And I've never believed that if you give kids healthy food at home, they'll develop the habit of eating healthy and will avoid junk food. All kids like junk food.

Didn't I care about this when he was at Kids Inc for pre-K, you might ask? The food there certainly wasn't any better. Yeah, but, it seemed more temporary, and all the kids ate the lunch there; it wasn't set up well for some kids bringing bagged lunches.

So, I'll be packing lunches, ones that meet even my low standards. A rare victory of food snobbery over laziness. Tomorrow, he gets a bagel with cream cheese, a Babybel cheese, a bag of grapes, and a bag of cashews, and a bottle of water. Last week, I also packed him a few cookies, and all he ate was the cookies. No more cookies then. Poor kid will be scarred for life.

Maybe by the time he can make his own lunch, he can do so in a brand-new high-API-score kitchen!

8/26/07

8/25/07 The picnic

This morning, I took Katrina running at Rancho San Antonio -- about half the distance and one-tenth the climbing from my galactic effort last Thursday, but rewarding nonetheless. To me, anyway. She mostly slept through it.

Meantime, Gabriel and Julian went to their first Saturday morning swim lessons together at DACA. Well, together at the same time, but a different class. Julian is a "rainbow" level right now, but his teacher said he's almost a "green." Dave was impressed with the way the classes were run, and thinks they both got a good lesson in. Though my intent is for Dave to take the boys on Saturday mornings, I'll miss my time alone with Gabriel on Tuesday mornings for swim class.

After running, I went straight to Portal Park for a Las Madres 2006 picnic, with my 2006 baby. I toyed with the idea of leaving my 2002 and "2004" babies at home, but I'd told Betsy they were coming, since Gina and Andrew wanted to play with them. So as much for her sake as theirs, I had Dave bring the boys to the park.


It worked! We didn't see much of Gabriel or Gina, but as is often the case, if you can find one, you can usually find the other. Julian and Andrew played a lot together too.

All four ran around the bushes together in teams of two, hiding, chasing, and calling the other "team" names. Andrew and Julian tried to keep up with the older two, but were at a serious disadvantage -- not just in age, size, strength, speed; but in force of personality.

Katrina had little interest in swinging, pausing in her relentless, piercing, downright obnoxious screeching just long enough for this photo.

Meantime, Julian pushed Blake, the younger brother (and just 4 weeks older than Katrina) of his pal Kyan at Tonya's. (Blake and Kyan's mom is a very serious athlete, who's done something like 15 marathons, including the elite Boston Marathon.)



After the park, we had a fairly peaceful afternoon at home. We all went out to dinner at Spoons later, but with mixed results. Katrina was impossible, with her high-pitched screech cutting right through the whitenoise at the restaurant and making it unbearable for anyone within 20 feet. I did my level best to distract her, feed her, entertain her; but it's hard while cutting up broccoli for boys and trying to eat something myself too, and she was horribly demanding.

Then we trucked the whole family to the new Whole Foods, with a lack of eggs as a thin excuse to check it out again. At 7pm on a Saturday night, we still had trouble parking. It was packed once again, and no wonder. The place is mind-blowing. I'd like to go back and check out the olive-oil and balsamic-vinegar tasting bars, the Asian Food Express area (with dim sum and sushi chefs), the changing room (for all the organic-cotton clothing), the soup bar, the massage room, the Market Bistro area, the enormous chocolate and sundae bar, and, of course, the bakery. This is the biggest Whole Foods west of Austin Texas, says the newspaper. But an overtired Katrina sapped the fun out of it again, and we hurried through the new express checkout (one line for six express cash registers). It'll be fun to explore it without a screeching baby in tow.

In fact, I could do without the screeching baby in general. The screeching, anyway. The baby, I'll keep.

8/25/07

8/24/07 The cackle

First there's the calm. Then there's the silence. The absence of movement in the immediate vicinity. Then, from a distance, the cackle. A creaky, squeaky, intermittent sound that vaguely resembles a giggle.

That sound means: SPRINT to the office before little creepy wormy finds the power button on my computer.

I don't know what it is about this one tiny sliver of green light that attracts babies so much. She goes back to it again and again.

Meantime, there's a perfectly good Mac to fool with right next to my Dell. I guess she's a Windows person.

If the office door is closed, there's always the sport Follow My Brother Around And Try To Take What He Has And Put Up A Fuss When He Doesn't Give It To Me.

To wit: the cackle, and the ensuing Fuss (and a surprisingly patient and tolerant Brother):



Julian is still playing with a near-dead Trader Joe's balloon. Boy, can he ever be sweet and cute...without Gabriel around, that is!

Katrina has really gotten impossibly mobile, requiring constant attention to see where her curious little paws take her. Such as: out the back door and alllmost down the deck stairs, save for one brother putting up a barrier, giving searching Mom the extra few seconds needed to snatch baby up before a tumble. (Mom naturally inspected the office first when the It's Too Quiet alarm went off.)







So we spent some time outside this fine afternoon.

But, the days of sitting quietly on a blanket with a gurgling baby happy to chew on a toy are long over. Instead, Katrina chased a ball, happy to crawl on the hard pavement.









Then she chased Julian and the lawnmower he was playing with, determined to score the toy, until he got bored with the lawnmower and "parked" it, leaving it free for her to play with. Then, picking up redwood needles and throwing them into a dump truck kept her busy for a long, long time.

Now I have three sets of hands, face, and feet to wash after a stint in the backyard.





It was impossible to pry any information from Gabriel about what he did at kindergarten today. In fact, one thing I dislike the most about his cockeyed schedule is that I'm not there to pick him up or drop him off at his classroom. Instead, the kind CDC staff does that, but they're not going to convey subtle information about his interaction with classmates and teacher, what he's doing, who he talks to. Knowing what it's like in his class matters a lot more now than for preschool or daycamp.

And then there's the cost of the CDC -- over $600 a month for before-and-after kindergarten care. Without the CDC, it'd mean four separate trips on MWFs for pickups and dropoffs, only one of which Dave could do, and waking Katrina every afternoon from a nap to pick up Gabriel at 2:45. An AM schedule would mean the boys' school schedules are in sync, and don't conflict with the essential baby/toddler afternoon nap. I'd still put Gabriel in the CDC for some time, but it'd be optional. At the moment, his "PM" schedule forces me to make a choice between $600 a month and never seeing his class or teacher, versus all-day chauffering and having to wake a napping baby every afternoon.

I've heard now from several people now that it is possible to change schedules with the school. The school itself, of course, discourages it to the point of having no official procedure to make changes. No surprise there. So I need to start the arduous process of advocacy, begging, pleading, pushing, with no guarantees, right away.

And now, a new benefit of school: the weekend means a little more. Or, a little less when homework starts creeping in!

8/24/07

8/23/07 KINDERGARTEN!!

It's official! Gabriel's a schoolkid!

I sent him to school in a shirt that said "CLASS OF 2020" (what a cool year, and ripe for optometric puns), slightly concerned that it'd permanently mark him as the son of a cuteness-geek, but it was anticlimactic. I don't think anyone got it.

In the same vein as some of my Mom friends, I attempted to take some video of Gabriel talking about kindergarten. Mostly, they show how poor my interviewing skills are.

First, Gabriel talking about kindergarten (long and boring):


Next, I asked an important question that I forgot (short and boring):



His school had no choice but to finally release the closely guarded secret of who his teacher would be and what room he'd be in.

Not surprisingly, there were no signs or anything directing parents what to do or where to go. A few were even more clueless than I was, unaware of class lists or where the classrooms were.

I went into the office to ask what to do, and, with another mother, stood and watched three people behind the desk looking at a computer screen. After a few minutes, two of them walked away together without looking up, and another idly went into a back room to copy something. No one looked up, let alone noticed we were there.

The other mother told me her daughter's name wasn't on a class list at all, and school started in 5 minutes! She was understandably agitated at the lack of attention. We exchanged comments that there should be extra help on this first day. Then another administrator, whose hands appeared to be full with a line full of first-graders, found the bandwidth to inject that things were crazy today and that everyone was overloaded. Uh-huh. With what? Apparently not with attending to parents in the school office. And it's not like the chaos of the first day of school should be any surprise to them. I don't accept this as a reason.

I did the other mother a favor and left, figuring my business was less important. If I followed confused throngs enough, I might stumble into the right place.

And I did. Room 3. Finally, some instructions. Kids, line up. Something he'll be hearing for years.

Then, his teacher appeared. She first had to negotiate the transition between the "AM" and the "PM" group (which Gabriel is). So, the AMers came into the classroom from recess and sat down.











Then, finally, we were allowed inside to settle our PMers in. Find his cubby, put away his lunch (which I had to pack since there was no information sent to us or on the Web site about signing up for the school lunch), say goodbyes, and leave, please.

I kneeled by Gabriel and gave him a big hug, and started to tell him I was proud of him....but didn't make it through the words. I started to choke up, he looked at me quizzically, and before I could embarrass him and myself, I gave him one last hug and left quickly. Out of his new world and back into mine.

I can't understand why I was so upset, so emotional. I'm about the most detached Mom I know, and he's about the most emotionally low-maintenance and self-sufficient kid I know. I'm not in the slightest bit worried about him, and I'm genuinely delighted he's starting school. But it's a big, if wonderful, change.

I'm annoyed at the school though. Other schools have playgroups and lemonade socials, and encourage the classmates, parents and teachers to meet each other and get to know each other. So far, communication and interaction have been at best, lame, and at worst, discouraged. I was glad to see that in the information packet Gabriel brought home, that there's an email address for his teacher.

Julian and Katrina were at Tonya's today, so I went for a long-overdue run at Rancho. No better way to work through my unexpected separation anxiety.

I don't know what possessed me, but at the last minute, I changed my route to include the famous PG&E Trail. I knew it was long, and heard it was steep, but I had no idea how steep. And high! At the pinnacle, I was rewarded with views all the way to Stanford, including The Dish and Hoover Tower, and Shoreline and Moffett Field, and probably the Pacific Ocean if there weren't mountains in the way. And, of course, a tremendous sense of accomplishment. Another high.

Later, at dinner, I tried to pry information from Gabriel about his day at kindergarten. Predictably, he had little to say about it. Something about a dot-to-dot puzzle that only went up to the number 5, and about not finishing a project because he had to go to the bathroom.

Idly, I told Dave that I'd gone running after dropping Gabriel off, and told him about how at the last minute, I'd taken a longer route, not realizing how incredibly steep it was, with a few shady level breaks, how I was barely even at a walking pace on the steepest hills, that I'd think I was reaching a summit, only to discover more hill around a corner, then made it to the top and had fabulous views, then had to skip down the really steep downhills....

....it was unusually quiet. I looked up from my task of shoveling food into Katrina's mouth, to see two sets of wide eyes riveted on me. My trail story fascinated the boys, and they were filled with questions about it. It made me proud, to tell them about my adventures. I want them to remember me this way when they're young men and I'm in a nursing home. Meantime, this is another great new thing to engage them with at dinner. And Katrina thought the skipping demonstration was hilarious.

Katrina was tired from a bad afternoon nap, and went to bed early. Meantime, the boys were absolute angels, even by "brother" standards....at least they were when I left to meet my Mom friends for Coffee. This was an important evening for us, since most of us experienced the first day of kindergarten today. On the whole, this rite of passage affected the Moms more than our kids!

And tomorrow, back to school. For years.

8/23/07

Today's route. Don't be impressed by "Miles." Be impressed by "feet of climbing" -- whew!

10) Parking -> Coyote -> PG&E -> Upper High Meadow ->
Upper Wildcat Canyon -> Wildcat Loop (NE) -> Coyote -> Parking

Results for route: 12V456STUWV21
Route Miles Up  Down
  12  0.29    0   30
  2V  0.51  195    0
  V4  1.60  500  310
  45  1.86 1020  100
  56  1.26    0  520
  6S  1.37    0  450
  ST  0.12    0   20
  TU  0.53    0  180
  UW  0.25   50    0
  WV  0.67  120    0
  V2  0.51    0  195
  21  0.29   30    0

Total Distance = 9.26 Miles, 1915 feet of climbing