12/1/07 Saturdays anew

One thing about our brutal new weekdays is that weekends really become weekends. I have a lot more energy for the kids and really want to be around them as much as possible.

Not that that stopped me from taking The Three to the Y this morning. I still have to get my sanity workouts. I felt a smidgeon guilty about this until I returned to the Childwatch to find Katrina gleefully playing on this little push-around car toy.


Brothers went to the BMX park today, where I'm told that Julian now goes on the same course as Gabriel, all the same bumps! I'd have loved to see that. Dave said Julian's gotten some respect from the other kids (teenagers) there, since he's on this teeny tiny little bicycle with 12" wheels, and he's just so little. Occasionally there are other kids there Gabriel's age, but Julian's peers are sorely underrepresented.

Katrina does not like her medicine. Dave administered it tonight, and said she "fought fiercely" against it. She's really not very strong or fast, even for a baby her size -- babies can up quite a fight -- but I have to admire her spirit, even as the dread and apprehension sinks in about a repeat of Gabriel's toddlerhood.

A surprisingly productive day, though I've had to recalibrate what that means. Just getting Katrina's toenails trimmed counts as productive.

12/1/07

11/30/07 Goodbye November

The last day of November! I'm not sure I can offhand recall a more difficult or conflicted month. I'm happy about being back at work, but really struggling with everything else. The pressure will soon make things come clear. A little like examining a dam and finding water fizzing out of cracks. I just hope I have time to jump out of the way before the whole thing collapses on me.

Katrina was in much better shape today, full of vim and vigor and forcefully stated opinions. Melissa said she stood up a lot on her own today, for seconds at a time, and thinks she'll walk in the next two weeks. I hope so!

Tonight we dared taking The Three out to dinner at Midori, our favorite Japanese restaurant. Overall it worked well, though I'm glad I brought food for Katrina. I was very busy feeding her at first, because the outrage should I fall behind in shoveling spoonfuls into that tiny but ever-so-loud little mouth...!

Gabriel claimed he didn't like Midori, but was surprisingly open to trying new foods, and in the end he counted 6 things he liked (edamame, miso soup, rice, chicken teriyaki, tempura and tonkatsu, and he tried sushi but didn't like it). Julian as usual tried and ate everything -- we actually had to order more "shooshi."

Later, I "walked" Katrina all around the restaurant, holding both her hands, and she straight-legged Frankensteined her way all over the place, giggling constantly. Uh-oh, was this one of those moments that as a parent I think is irresistably adorable, but other restaurant patrons think is annoying? I kept her away from tables and took care not to block aisles. Besides, it's hard to imagine that even the grouchiest curmudgeon wouldn't find it just a little bit cute. Even her Dad.

To my delight, Julian once again, was a darling little angel today. Right in time for his upcoming 4th birthday. What a joyful place this house is when Julian forgot to take his 3-year-old pain-in-the-ass pill. He has no equal when it comes to charming and sweet. Then again, he doesn't have particularly stiff competition from his siblings, who are both rife with wonderful qualities, but "sweet" doesn't quite make it to the top ten for them. Thank goodness for Julian.

I forgot to mention yesterday: we weighed Katrina at the pediatrician's office: 19 lbs 2 oz! I'd say now the odds are good she'll break 20 pounds by the time Gabriel turns 6, the magic age by which he can legally ride without a booster (until they change the law to "8 or 80 lbs" that is). Gabriel is way too short not use a booster anyway, but 6 still seems like a carseat milestone. There's no hurry, but when Katrina reaches 20 lbs and Gabriel reaches 6 years old, it seems like as good a time as any to start tackling the formidable task of rearranging carseats, something we'll have to deal with come summer or thereabouts anyway. As it is, with all the BMXing going on around here, installing an infant seat in Dave's car on weekends (so that the wagon is free to transport bikes) is going to become a regular thing. But we're not getting a minivan.

Friday. Thank goodness. My sorry rear end has a hot date with the couch now, where it will be firmly planted and glued for the next few hours, except for the occasional mecca to the freezer for an ice cream refill.

11/30/07

11/29/07 From Bad to Better

After a very difficult day yesterday, I was ready for a better one today. But it couldn't have started worse (worsely? worst? English, please!): Katrina, awake and crying furiously at 5:45am. I was going to say crying pitifully, but her cries are rarely pitiful, usually more forceful and insistent, like her. She cried nonstop as I got myself and her dressed and got ready to go. In a frustrated fog, I hadn't yet had a chance to think straight when Gabriel said, "Maybe her ear hurts."

Bingo. As I drove Katrina to Melissa's, I formed a plan: I'd call the pediatricians when they opened and take her there at noon, timed after her nap but in time to pick Gabriel up from school. Sure enough, raging double ear infection. The doc said the ears were bright red and swollen inside, nothing marginal about this one. Prescription, advice, and we were on our way.

My plan had been to leave work early and pick Gabriel up from school today anyway, since I had an architect meeting today at 4pm. I hadn't planned on an emotional crisis yesterday or Katrina's ear infection today, so picking Gabriel up from school today couldn't have been better timed.

The only thing that didn't work was that some guy walked RIGHT by as I was poised to take a photo of Gabriel right as he was released from class!


It felt like I'd returned to paradise, being at the school again. So lively, so colorful, so many joyful little people. Why didn't I see it this way before?

I was glad that Katrina held out long enough to pick up Gabriel, since he really, really needed to work on homework and his Cultural Poster, both due tomorrow.

(I actually think the Cultural Poster was too much work, too large a project across too much time for kindergartners, especially on top of regular homework. And I say that as a parent who has far less prodding to do than most. But even as conscientious as he is, this task in particular was too much. I can't imagine what the parents who were asking about how to motivate their kids to do regular homework make this happen.)

I helped him a great deal with it, giving him ideas and writing things down for him to spell, talking to him about it, but I didn't touch the poster itself. He did all the drawing, tracing, coloring, writing, gluing, and he "wrote" much of the content too. I'm actually sort of proud of how...well, kidlike it looks. I suspect a lot of other posters in his class will come in a whole lot neater. We managed to squeeze in two runthroughs of his "presentation" for it. I can't imagine how we'd have finished this if it hadn't happened that he'd be home early from school today.

Gabriel today that he was the only one in his class doing Italy. Later he also said that "SO MANY!" kids in his class were doing India. He said the teacher called on each kid to ask what country they were doing. Two were doing Africa.

Though Gabriel was very helpful keeping Katrina entertained while I met with our architect, he moved in and out of pest mode a lot today. Katrina was in much better shape this afternoon after a nap and some children's Motrin and her first dose of antibiotic, but she was still a handful. The child bright spot today came from a surprising source: a cooperative, sweet, delightful Julian. He's the oddball around here, as his brother and sister are more similar to each other than he is to either of them, but he corners the market on charm.

I was cheered considerably by my meeting with our fabulous architect, who once again solved a problem in 5 minutes that I haven't been able to figure out for years. This time, it's for the upstairs bathroom, which only has a bath and no shower. Not a problem now, but it won't be long before the kids will want showers instead of baths. So now, we have a Plan for the upstairs bathroom that includes a shower, a bath, a storage cabinet, and a much more sensible place for the toilet. (We had a nice chuckle as we made sure that the toilet placement would work for those who use them standing up and facing them, something easy for short women to forget!)

We also tightened up some details in the kitchen and agreed that she'd help us with the interior design as well. I'm thrilled. It makes me look forward again to remodeling, which isn't easy to look forward to. I can't WAIT!

Dave and I are both steamrollered today from a much-too-early morning and an overall tough week. Only the bare minimum is getting done tonight, and then it's time for us to collapse to bed. I say this more from the heart than I ever have : thank God tomorrow is Friday.

11/29/07

11/28/07 And again

I feel like I'm going to snap. Today at work I remembered how I'd had some ambition of picking Gabriel up from school on Fridays, and how distant and remote and impossible that seems now. School itself feels like a distant and remote world, one so far away from the gray cubicle walls, fluorescent light, and relative order and dullness of an office.

Then I was struck with a terrible thought. Maybe he'll get so used to being one of the CDC kids that that will become his life, his expectation, what he looks forward to after school -- not hanging around home with his mother. That will happen in all too few years anyway.

What if he doesn't want me to pick him up anymore?

I couldn't get that out of my head all day, and struggled not to cry when lulls in work let my heavy heart pull my thoughts back to my son. I couldn't feel as sad about Julian and Katrina, a preschooler and a baby who you'd think would need me more than an ultra-independent kindergartner, but was too sad about Gabriel to spin into my usual guilt cycle about the other two. There's plenty of time for that.

Maybe it's me who needs Gabriel more. We have such a history together, we've been through so much already together in his short life. Full-time momming is such a challenging, frustrating, hard thing to do, and its rewards are short, infrequent, and unpredictable. But those rewards are deeply felt ones. Seeing Gabriel's face light up happily when he saw me outside his classroom, and having him run to me with outstretched arms, is one of those wonderful joyful moments that make it all worth it. It was all I could do not to watch the clock during a meeting this afternoon, and then not burst into tears when I saw it was 2:45pm.

I wish I knew why this, of all things, is hitting me so hard now. I'm getting up to speed at work, which is one essential component to getting a grip on this work/home balance that so escapes me. That's good, it brings me closer to the obvious solution of cutting back on my hours -- easy enough to do with this flexible work and contract. But perversely, it's the very flexibility of this job that makes me not want to jeopardize it by not being productive enough yet, so I feel compelled to work every possible minute.

That is, unless some other essential interest gets in the way. To my great surprise, one problem that's been handily solved is how to fit in exercise. There's a trail about 3/4 of a mile from the office and a shower at work -- in just over an hour, I can fit in a run and the day's shower, with no overhead of going anywhere. The run gives me a crucial energy boost, and greatly improves my outlook on life, even today. I had a great time running with my iPod, going fast and feeling strong. Something has to give, but running and exercising isn't it. It can't be, or I really will snap.

The part I struggle with the most is the afternoons. The mornings, to my surprise, are pretty good. Though I'm a true-blue night owl, I actually don't mind leaping out of bed at 6:30am and whisking a pajama'd unfed baby into the car and zooming away into the sunrise. It's almost a personal challenge to beat the traffic (and today I left at 7:10, and there was a noticeable increase in traffic from yesterday's 6:59am departure), and I like getting to work when it's nice and quiet and getting a great parking spot. But I have to fix the afternoons, starting with my own irrational compulsion to work until 4pm. That's just too late.

One minor tweak in the afternoon rush worked well though: after picking up Katrina, I picked Gabriel up next. Then I left Katrina in the car with her protective older brother in the small parking lot right in front of Julian's preschool, which made it much easier to quickly run in and get Julian, and feel that she was safe. I can see the car the whole time, and if any adult pokes his head in, Gabriel is old enough to explain before they call CPS on me. Julian, I can still picture saying, "I don't know where my Mommy is, she left!"

Tonight I talked to Gabriel about picking him up from school. I asked him if he has fun playing outside with other kids after school, and he said "Yeah, I do!" Then I asked if he still wanted me to pick him up, almost afraid of the answer. But he said sincerely, "yeah Mom I still wish you'd pick me up from school." I said, "But you like playing with your friends afterward, right?" and he said, "Yeah, but I like it when you pick me up better." And he gave me his warm bony hug.

Such a kid. No wonder I miss him so much.

11/28/07

11/27/07 The Knowledgeable

Tonight a context I've already forgotten started me into my usual snow job about how Moms know everything. It was something about my mommy knowing everything, because all Moms know everything, and so that means I must know....

"No one knows everything!" blurted Julian, "Not even Moms!" Bubble-burster. What ever happened to kids having imagination?

Later, at dinner, we were talking about school, and I asked Gabriel who taught him in his reading group this week. Julian piped in, "Your teacher is Miss Kowalski, right?" and Gabriel answered cheerfully, "Yeah -- we're getting pretty used to her!"

11/27/07

11/26/07 Love-Hate

This morning at work, feeling good about the long weekend with the kids, the fun at Thanksgiving and how much I like my new cooking and running habits and enjoying a coffee break when I damn well felt like it, I thought, This is good, I like my life.

This afternoon at home, already exhausted by the early day and the hour and ten minutes of driving and picking up, with hours and hours of work ahead of me and no chance to sit down or even pour myself something to drink, I thought, This sucks, I hate my life.

Clearly, balance still escapes me.

I ran into Kristi today while picking up Gabriel. Like me, she was about to pick up her kindergartner, drive home and walk in the door alone with three tired hungry young children and start everyone's dinner. Unlike me, she was very relaxed and undaunted by this upcoming maelstrom. How does she do that? Partly, she doesn't have a 13-month-old who can demand that you drop everything at any moment for a rescue or a stinky diaper (though twins make up for a lot). Partly, she has this idyllic schedule that means she never has to do this two days in a row. Partly, she and the fam just returned from a fabulous trip to Disneyworld, and even she and her husband had a great time (now that's saying a lot!). Partly, she's been doing this a long time and has it all figured out. Mostly, she's the sort of person who takes things in stride and deals with them.

I'm doomed.

I keep telling myself that it's a conspiracy of numerous factors that forms a perfect storm, and that just one or two of those factors neutralized will make a huge difference. The distance to Melissa's is one problem. The distance to work is another problem. Having to carry Katrina and negotiate all the doors and child-safety gates and stairs and gathering things while picking up the boys is another problem. The ultra-early morning makes me sleepy all day.

Moving Katrina to Tonya's, working from home some days, Katrina walking, and getting better established at work so I can work more independently will address a lot of those problems. But I'm not making any changes yet; I've committed to sticking this out until the new year, and then I'll re-evaluate. So it can only get better.

Katrina was exuberant today when I picked her up at Melissa's, despite a chapped face from all the nose-wiping. I had a pang of sadness when she crawled joyfully away from me to Melissa to play, which was quickly wiped out by the memory of Gabriel often crawling around crying when I picked him up from daycare when he was a baby. This is much, much better.

Tonight after dinner I sat and played with Katrina for a while, which mostly revolves around books. Either she's pointing to pictures in one, shoving one in my face, spying one and crawling energetically toward it while giggling, or finding yet another one.


More and more she's practicing standing, and we keep catching her standing up for a second or so at a time, until she realizes it and then plops onto her bottom. I'm not about to get optimistic about impending walking though, since her wily older brother did the same exact thing at this age, finally standing on his own on his 14-month-birthday. So far, for physical milestones, her brothers have pretty much trumped her.


Gabriel was as perfect as little boys get tonight, coming home and working on his Cultural Poster for school, and being funny and sincere and interesting to talk to.

Julian, incredibly, was also sweet and chatty and asking cute questions and saying cute things, then he happily volunteered to set the table. Which he did quickly and completely, far better than Gabriel ever does!

Katrina was a handful while I made dinner, but she was adorable and fun afterward in her neverending quest for More Books. She's also trying to put her "shoes" on now, and her little motormouth just about never stops yabbering and making inquisitive sounds.

I may hate my life, but I sure do love my children.

11/26/07

p.s. a little addendum to yesterday: some video of Gabriel and Julian at the BMX park. I'm so proud of them!

11/25/07 The BMX park

I had it all figured out.

After breakfast, we'd take a family self-time photo out front, and I'd prepared everyone's clothes accordinging (a loose theme of red and white). Dave would take the boys to the BMX park, and I'd follow with Katrina to take some video, then I'd take her to the park to play with the White family. After her nap, I'd take her to Sur La Table in Los Gatos to return something, and pick up a few "necessary" (ahem) items. Perfect.

Not so perfect. She has a cold, mostly a runny nose and a lot of coughing, and just couldn't sleep last night. So we stayed up with her (fortunately it wasn't too late yet) and tried to keep her vertical as long as possible to clear things out. I sure wish she would just put her head down on my shoulder! Nothing doing. Finally, after about half an hour, her cough had calmed enough that she could lay back down and sleep. I relate, since when I have a cough, the transition to lying down brings it on.

Then she woke up this morning at 6:15am. It's Sunday, baby! Argh. She was way too much of a mess for the family photo, and needed a nap before the boys left for the BMX park. No photo, and no BMX park. Wah.

Not all was lost; I had a rare hour at home while she napped and it was nice and quiet. Just as I was accepting this state of affairs, she woke up. I tried to feed her (no WAY Mom), hastily installed the extra carseat in Dave's car, and zoomed out to the BMX park to catch the boys.

And I did! Dave had taken them to the bike shop first, so they were in full swing by the time I joined them at the park. Grumpy as Katrina was, she just about jumped out of the stroller seat with excitement watching her brothers, who at the time were the only ones there, with one other kid about Gabriel's age (maybe younger).

What fun. It's hard to believe that just last May, Gabriel was riding the little yellow bike with training wheels. It was only a few months ago that Julian lost the training wheels too, and now here they both are going right up the big hill to the plateau where the riders stop and start. Julian will go over some of the bumps, but not all of them, and Gabriel hasn't yet tackled a center course of bumps, though I don't see why he couldn't.

Julian, poised to start from the plateau, then goes down and takes the first bump.




And then back up to the start-stop plateau.


Later, a bunch of big kids arrived too, and it could be a little unnerving seeing Julian swarmed by all the bigger bikes. He's still just three years old!


Gabriel, meantime, tested his mettle on the 20" bike. It is way too big for him; he had to get off the bike completely every time he stopped, since he couldn't reach the ground well enough to balance the bike with one foot. (Of course, I of all people support riding a two-wheeled vehicle despite other people telling you it's too tall for you!)



It didn't seem to slow him down.


You go boys! I'm so glad this is developing into a regular activity for them. They worked hard, and were good and tired later. And it's a fun thing for Dave to do with them -- he has to ride his bicycle too!

For the record, today there were two girls there, both older than Gabriel, but apparently not as experienced. Both went around the course about the way Julian did, skipping the same big humps, though neither would go up the stop-start plateau. It could just be an experience thing; even the other boy about Gabriel's age wasn't as confident, and cried whenever he fell, to the irritation of his jocky Dad. This is definitely a man's world so far, though Katrina was so animated and excited, it almost seemed that all she needed was a bicycle and helmet to break in.

I took Katrina to Los Gatos afterward to return a $7 cooling rack at Sur La Table....and wound up buying over $200 worth of other things. How does that happen?! Well, a good saucepan with a steamer insert and lid that all fit together was long overdue anyway. And I couldn't resist this adorable Giant Cupcake Cake Pan, what with birthdays coming up. It did occur to me later that it might be a tad difficult to actually slice this cake, but this is a good problem to have. And despite coming home with every possible shape of spatula, I somehow forgot my dearth of small ladles. Looks like I left myself an excuse to go back!


When we got home, boys were having lunch, Katrina got a little more lunch (her eating has been off today), and then we attempted the family photo again. For once, the boys were very cooperative, but it took some work to get Katrina not to cry. She relaxed and started to laugh right afterward of course, when Julian made up a game of her patting his face.

If there's anything I ought to know by now, having been a mom for almost 6 years now, it's that I never really have anything figured out.

11/25/07

11/24/07 Oh my darlin'....

...oh my darlin', oh my darrrrrlin' Clementiiiine....

Clementine "cuties" are in season, and I have a bunch of them, some I'd bought and some that came in mine and Betsy's weekly fruit box. This morning I got caught in one of those "FEED ME NOW OR THE WHOLE WORLD WILL CAVE IN" moments, and quickly peeled Katrina a clementine, cut a few pieces in half, and stuck them on her tray.

Oh my goodness, did she like them. It was all I could do to keep up with preparing the pieces, which were supposed to buy me enough time to make her a sandwich, before she devoured them and then insistently called "AH!" and pointed frantically for more. Finally, after 3 clementines, I got just far enough ahead of her to slap together a soynut butter sandwich, and even more fortunately, she got derailed from the clementine craze and actually ate the sandwich bits.

Despite a slight cold (runny nose, coughing), Katrina was in a great mood most of the day. A trip to the Y's Childwatch this morning and then a mecca to Trader Joe's made up her morning excursions, and the rest of the day she played very happily scribbling or looking at books when her brothers weren't bothering her.

Brothers were too busy outside with Dad working on some new-old bicycles that Dave rescued from imminent deposit at a dump. Dave got talking to the owner of a property way down the end of a neighboring street, who'd just sold the property to a developer who's going to level the old house (it's nothing special) and put 4 new houses up. The now-former owner was cleaning out the garage and offered Dave some kids' bikes that hadn't gotten much use and had been sitting for a while. Dave brings home discarded vehicles the way little girls bring home stray kittens, so we're now richer two more bicycles.

They needed some work, so Dave and the boys glady delved into that today. First, Dave showed Gabriel how to test the spokes, then Julian got into the action.


I didn't see the rest of the wrenching party, but they got the 20" bike up and running, and apparently that's now Gabriel's new bicycle. Dave said the frame is a little big for him, but he has no problem riding it and wasted no time skid-sliding it around the leaves along the sidewalk. Julian will inherit Gabriel's 16" bike, though he's still too small for it.

The boys are very very anxious to go to the BMX park tomorrow!

I'm going to try to go for a short while too, to videotape them, though dusty bike parks and crawling babies don't mix well. It looks like the BMX park is going to be enough of a fixture in our lives that we'll have to soon solve the problem of only having one car that can conveniently transport bikes and baby. I can install a carseat in Dave's car for the few hours my car is toting the boys' two-wheelers around, but what a pain.

We had an unusually nice quiet afternoon, thanks to Julian being an unbearable pain in the rear end. There was absolutely no way he was going to spend the entire day tormenting the whole family, so I invested time in getting him in his room for a "nap." He loudly and rudely insists he doesn't want to take a nap, so I tell him he doesn't have to sleep, just lie down. "But that's taking a nap!" he petulantly complains. Finally I told him just to have quiet time, read him a book, and made a hasty exit. To my amazement, he stayed in his room quietly for about two hours, some of which we think he did spend sleeping.

Thank goodness. Gabriel worked on his Italy cultural poster for school, while Dave and I caught up on office things, and Katrina happily scribbled. I was getting up a lot to help Gabriel, checking on Katrina on and off, getting rid of old mail and organizing things. I commented to Dave how amazing it was that Katrina was playing so well by herself.

But eventually my "it's too quiet" alarm went off, and I checked her in the craft area -- not there. I did a quick scan of the downstairs. No baby. I ran upstairs -- not in her room or the bathroom, and the other rooms' doors were closed.

Ran back downstairs....waitaminnit, we never close our bedroom door if we're not in it. Why was it closed? Ran back up, into our bedroom. Then could hear crying from a distance, but couldn't locate it. Where was she? After another scan of the upstairs, I went back into our room and realized our bathroom door was closed too -- and there she was behind it, shaking and crying pitifully. She'd snuck all the way upstairs and closed two doors behind her in our relatively soundproof house. Will someone please notify the Mom Of The Year Selection Committee to cross my name off their list of candidates?

One more day of a four-day weekend, and I'm nowhere near getting anything done that I'd planned. The remodel must not stall for lack of decisions! The pressure is mounting, but maybe that's exactly what I need.

11/24/07

p.s. How could I forget?! The most incredible thing today: NO MORE MIGRAINE! It was a one-dayer! Hurrah!

11/23/07 The Biscuits

This morning, I got to sleep late, until 9am, and then get up slowly when I darned well felt like it. Dave had The Three under control downstairs (thanks!) while I lounged. Ahh.

But...the drowsy reluctance to get up this morning (a luxury now that I spring out of bed at 6:30am on weekdays), turned into a familiar and hated feeling of pressure, lethargy, laziness. That reminded me, I was feeling unbearably sleepy yesterday at some point...or was it the day before? I couldn't quite piece it together. When was yesterday again? Another sign. Sure enough, by this afternoon, it developed into another dreaded migraine.

Still, I functioned reasonably well this morning. I made some plain biscuits, with the feeble excuse that I couldn't let a pint of buttermilk go bad, and the boys helped me roll and cut them out. Then I called my family back East, which always makes me so happy to talk but so sad not to be there, especially since it sounds like my mother made quite the delicious well-rounded feast.

While I talked on the phone, Katrina sat on the porch and had a biscuit, where "had" is something between eating it and spreading it all over the porch.


I wish I could say that homemade biscuits are healthy, but really, something that's just refined white flour, butter, buttermilk and leaveners isn't exactly packed with nutrition. Gabriel is starting to ask if certain foods are "junk food," and I have a hard time answering him on things like this. Biscuits aren't Cheetos, but they're not spinach either, homemade or not.

During Katrina's nap, I went running....whoops, detour. I had to take a nap first, the pressure was getting to be too much. I so resent this! I just don't have room in my life to be taken down by a migraine!! It took seconds to fall into a deep sleep, and when I woke up, it took all my willpower to get up, get dressed and go run. I felt like I was wearing a Cat In The Hat hat, like every turn of my head was being dragged down.

And running was no different. It took tremendous effort to do a moderate route, especially since at first, the jolting hurt my head with each step. Uphill took care of that fast, but still, I never really reached a stride. The last mile or two, I fell back on my new iPod to get me going, and that was fun. To my surprise, the best part about the music was my finishing sprint, which turned into a full-on balls-out haul-ass dash, I'll guess about 200 meters long. Not often in life that adults run full speed for any distance, even runners. It felt great. But as soon as I bent over to stretch, the rush of blood to my head turned the pressure back on, and the pain flooded back. Well, compromised run as it was, it was completely worth it, if nothing else for the intense effort of the final sprint.

The cost came at dinner, which was an emergency TJ's freezer item in lieu of my loftier plans. And whose remains lie in wait in the kitchen for me to peel my reluctant rear end off this chair to finish cleaning up. Though, one thing that's come out of my new job is that Dave and I are evolving a habit of cleaning up together. An unexpected benefit of this is that it gives us some time to talk every day when we're not distracted by other wind-down sorts of things (email, blogging, web-surfing, newspapers). Do I need to point out the obvious that this is after The Three are safely tucked away in bed? The fact that it takes a drudgerous cleanup job for us to be able to catch up for 15 whole minutes a day is depressing, but the fact that it happens now at all is really good. So it is the collective reluctant rear end that must be scraped off the collective chair to finish our work for the day.

I had lots of grand plans for this long weekend, but something tells me that even without a headache, I mostly just want to....hang.

11/23/07

11/22/07 Thanksgiving!!

We went to our annual Orphan's Thanksgiving potluck at Paul and Elisabeth's again this year. I'm not sure we can claim Orphan status anymore, as now we're the parents.

Speaking of our non-Orphans, two of them stayed behind with Dad while one of them napped, so I went to the Thanksgiving house early, partly because it would take a long time to unload and unwrap all the food I made! I had so much fun with this. I made:

Parmesan pine nut crackers (appetizer)
Spiced Carmelized Cauliflower
Shalloty Green Beans
Apple Spice Yams
Cornbread (two kinds)
Holiday Cranberry Sauce
Pear Clafouti

and brought ice cream we had way too much of from another event.

The cornbread was fun; one was from a Trader Joe's mix, and the other from a recipe on the cornmeal box. Gabriel "made" the scratch one, and Julian "made" the TJ's mix. I gave them as many jobs as possible, though nothing is more fun for them than cracking eggs. I'm sorry to say that the TJ's mix once again trumped the scratch version: heartier, more flavorful, richer color, and just, well, cornier. But I'm in the wrong blog to talk about that!

I had about an hour to hang out and be a grownup and chat with our old friends, with Gabriel quietly doing a color-by-numbers upstairs. Dave later arrived with Katrina and Julian, and we had a little trouble keeping the boys under control, but for the most part, people were understanding and seemed to get a kick out of them playing together. I'd talked to them very sternly about The Rules, especially No Running, since the hostess has an injured foot and it was important she not be run into or have to do any hasty movement.

But all discipline broke loose when other grownups undermined my efforts! I wish I'd gotten photos of this, but two women ended up playing with Gabriel and Julian on the furniture, in which the boys sat on the back of the couch and then were either pushed or shaken down with their hands. Then the women gave the boys piggy-back rides out to the car. I'm not sure who was laughing harder, but they all had such a good time that it was hard for me to step in and be the stick-in-the-mud saying "no jumping on furniture!" I was delighted they were all having so much fun, though I was concerned that the hostess probably didn't share in that perspective.

Another thing to let go at Thanksgiving is kids' eating. I expected better of Katrina, but all she'd eat was cornbread and parmesan crackers, and let the whole room know, in vociferous vocals, of her MortifiedOffendedness when I dared offer anything else. Gabriel, to my surprise, was very open to trying new things, and had a good well-rounded meal.

Julian, also to my surprise, barely touched anything, though he choked down some turkey and green beans once he realized he wasn't getting any dessert otherwise. And boy, did he milk the lack of attention from his parents, heading back to the dessert table numerous times and asking some hapless childfree adult for help. He had 3 helpings of ice cream and then pie!

Anyway, I hope our host and hostess agree, but it was a rousing success overall. I look forward to the day when we don't have to be so careful and calculated and on the alert. Next year, we'll have a 2-year-old, and they're not famous for being persona grata at childfree grownup events! Though Katrina was so cute and overall so good (save during dinner) that she might have built up some goodwill. Along with my Holiday Cranberry Sauce, the biggest winner of all I brought.

Still, many of our original motorcycling group's events have long since withered away, especially those that involved actually riding motorcycles. I so hope this one doesn't. It's just too much fun. Then again...life is full of changes, and it wouldn't hurt us to spend Thanksgiving with other families, and have other kids there.

Though Dave had cleaned up the whole kitchen before he left to join us, we still had a lot of leftovers to put away and dishes to clean after we got home. We went to bed nice and early after all that, tummies and spirits full.

11/22/07

11/21/07 The half-day

This Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I always liked to have a half-day, though I'm not quite sure what that means when you're an hourly-paid contractor who has to work weeks just to pay for childcare...and what that means when there are three kids at home!

I compromised and went into work for 2-1/2 hours on Wednesday morning, then came home at 10:30am and had some time to myself before picking Gabriel and Katrina up from Melissa's at 1pm. Wow, that little bit of time to myself sure takes the edge off the Mad Scramble. Not to mention, all the time I spend driving turns into real cost when it means I could be working instead.

Anyway, I had a nice afternoon with Gabriel and Katrina, and spent a lot of time preparing all the food I was bringing to our potluck Thanksgiving. Dave came home early too, and brought Julian home from Kids Inc, so we were all home early. Julian brought home an Indian costume he made, and was very proud of wearing. He was being very cute, which I'm sorry to say happens less and less these days. God, I am so done with 3!

You'd think after spending all that time in the kitchen and having everyone home early that I'd have a bang-up dinner ready, but no, it was pizza for the boys and take-out Chinese for the Dad. Just ramping up for the Big Gorge tomorrow!

11/21/07

11/20/07 The preparations start

A relief today, I got to pick Katrina up from Tonya's instead of Melissa's, though Melissa still had Katrina, just at Tonya's.

Ironically, this meant I left work earlier today, since now I could actually have a little time at home alone before the big mad scramble. I wasn't sure to do with this 40-minute time windfall, and potential tasks swirled around my head as I drove home. Finally, I told myself to just sit and scrapbook, just because I feel like it. The other stuff...it'll get done.

Indeed, since Thanksgiving is coming up, I have a lot of preparing and cooking to do! So I put the boys on KP while Katrina happily scribbled with a pencil.

(Does anyone else notice a little safety problem here?! GEEZ Mom, peelers, pencils -- why don't you just hand them an open flame while you're at it?!)

I'm still so torn about work. In so many ways, I'm enjoying it now, since I'm getting ramped up. But that seems so indulgent, as what I'm doing really isn't all that important to the world. Whereas what Melissa and Gabriel's teacher and Julian's caregivers do actually really matters.

Then I miss my children, then feel guilty about not missing them, and then at home feel guilty for not spending focused time with them. They're all in pretty good moods lately, especially Katrina. I have to wonder if it's all the attention and care they're getting from the pros. Quite different from the hanging-around I do with them, in which I interact a lot, but rarely sit and focus.

Though it might make me wonder what my value as a mother is, I am awfully glad that they're all pretty happy with the arrangement. Well...I'm not 100% sure about Gabriel. He's so adaptable and isn't one to complain, but he gets a lot more into pest mode in the evenings now, and I miss his joyful moments of telling me how glad he is to be home after school. He's the one I feel by far the worst about being away from, whereas Katrina is thrilled with whatever's around her. Julian...hard to say. He's still in honeymoon phase with the new place (new to him, anyway).

But more and more, I know that I want to work, and that I want to work on my own terms. This job is a perfect stepping-stone toward that. I'm encouraged about my idea about becoming a contract tech writer. According to some tech writer friends and an engineer contractor at my company, tech writers with an actual tech background are few and far between and in demand. It will take some time to establish myself, so, first things first: get my engineer side back up to speed, then start looking into making the shift. The current situation is unsustainable long-term (too much driving and early-getting-upping!), but it's an investment, one that I hope will allow me to call my own shots in some years. Such as, being able to pick up my little clan from school at 2:45.

For now, I'm really looking forward to the upcoming holidays at home with everyone. I can thank work for that too.

11/20/07

11/19/07 The Broccoli Hug

Katrina, once again, was in fine form today when I picked her up, full of smiles and happy expressions and just about bursting out of her skin with energy and joy. She bopped around happily at home while I scrambled to get everyones' dinner ready, pointing to things and exclaiming when she happened upon something new, until well after I had the boys sitting down to dinner.

Then she sat quietly and worked on a little bowl of cut-up green beans (they look like peas) and cauliflower, until I was ready to sit down and feed her spaghetti with meat sauce and then butternut squash. She started to cry at the end, and no wonder, it was 6:45pm and approaching the 7pm Witching Hour. I picked her up and held her for a few minutes while I did some one-handed kitchen jobs, nibbling on some broccoli the boys left behind.

On impulse, I offered her a little broccoli floret. I was surprised that not only did she eat it, but she put her head on my shoulder and actually put her arm around my neck right afterward. Gotta be a fluke, I thought. This is the world's least cuddly baby after all. Another floret. Another head-on-shoulder and arm around my neck. And again, and again, and again. I couldn't believe it!

Gabriel and Julian were entranced by this, Gabriel especially. He was very taken with how cute she was being, and at one point said, "Mom, she's giving you a broccoli hug!"

I milked it for all it was worth, and happily handed over most of the broccoli scraps that were to have been my dinner, relishing each warm gesture from her. What mom wouldn't give her baby the food off her plate after all -- especially if it means a hug after each bite!

11/19/07

11/18/17 Annual moto-breakfast

Back in the days when Dave and I were single and active frequent-riding motorcyclists in a large group of like-minded, we both attended an annual pancake breakfast hosted by a couple in the group. The idea was for rides to gather and have breakfast before going to the annual International Motorcycle Show, held at a local fairgrounds. Though many friends now arrive in cars and don't bother to go to the show, the pancake breakfast event lives on. It's one of my favorites of the year, as I always enjoy visiting with our longtime friends in their charming old cottage in Menlo Park.

We weren't sure how it'd work today, as we wanted to arrive at 9am, and Katrins was already acting like she needed a nap. I rarely say this, but fortunately, Katrina took a short nap in the car on the way up there, so she was in good shape (and later took a good solid afternoon nap).

The hostess was prepared for kids and had paper and markers and crayons for them, as well as a plateful of chocolate cupcakes -- and that's the first thing the boys were offered when we arrived! The boys did great, in no small part because of the hostess' efforts. I got compliment after compliment about how polite and well-behaved they were, from child-free adults, no less, who on the whole have much higher standards for good behavior.

Naturally we got lots of comments on how cute Katrina is, and indeed she was in her element again, making cute noises, or putting her head down to play peek-a-boo, smiling at people and generally letting everyone know that the world is hers.

I forgot to take photos (?! WHO, ME?!), but fortunately a friend who is now a professional photographer was there with his gear.




I talked to another longtime friend for a little while, and she reminded me
that she grew up with two older brothers, 2-3/4 and 4-3/4 years older than her, exactly the same as Gabriel and Julian are older than Katrina. "Did they take care of you?" I asked eagerly. She looked at me like I was nuts. "Did they teach you how to drive?" She made a face and said a drawn-out "Noooo" which might as well have been "duuhhh." "Did they get you into motorcycles?" Another "yeah right" face and then, "Yeah, only because they wouldn't let me ride theirs!" One of her brothers runs a successful suspension-tuning business, and she is one of the absolute best and fastest riders I've ever known....that is, for the few seconds I'd ride behind her before her taillight disappeared in the distance. And she's famously sarcastic and close with her brothers now. Still, a good insight.

I've often been accused of overextending myself, doing things the hard way, taking on just a little bit too much extra. It's true, I find direction and purpose in the self-induced pressure. Tonight was a good example of that, the operative word being "tonight." I went running in what started off as "this afternoon," but got into time trouble circling the packed parking lots at Rancho San Antonio in the hopes of coming across someone just about to back out. What was I thinking, it's Sunday afternoon, and all 6 parking lots were completely full.

By the time I did find a space, I was seriously annoyed that I'd have to run a different route than the 8-miler I'd planned. In need of hills, I started off on the lower third of the PG&E trail, planning to take the one turnoff to other shorter loops. But come the sign and the turnoff, I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was probably past 4:00...did I have enough time to take the whole PG&E trail? I told myself I'd work out the times as I started up the trail (based on memory of having run the route with a watch), and if I figured I couldn't do it, then I'd turn back. Not having a watch on me and not quite remembering what time it really gets dark added to the denial.

Well, long story short: I made it, but barely. I passed a hiker at the very top, who told me it was 4:30. Whew; I knew that left me juuust enough time to get back the closer trails before it was pitch-black, though there were so many people around as I got closer that I wasn't worried. After stretching and making my way back to the distant parking spot I'd lucked on, it was completely dark. It was 5:32 when I got back in the car.

Fortunately Dave had things under control with The Three when I got back, helped in large part by solid naps from the younger two. It was a lot of tag-teaming today, but we pulled it off. I'm looking forward to when we're in a rhythm with my being at work again when each day, including weekend days, isn't one giant experiment!

11/18/07

11/17/07 The down day?

Our new kitchen designer came by today to case the joint, and noticed right away that my existing countertops are too high! Well, higher than standard, which is still too high for me. And the cabinets are mounted about 4" higher than today's standard. Also too high for me. Wow. So just having a kitchen made to the "standard" will be a huge improvement, though we'll probably make the island an inch or so lower.

While we waited for the designer to arrive, I did a fun little photo session with Katrina.


She was in fine form today, full of curiosity and silly sounds and games and almost shouting at books. She really took a liking to the kitchen designer, showing off and putting on her best cute act, making goofy noises from across the room to attract her attention.

No boy photos today -- too bad 'cause they finally got haircuts. They were getting pretty darned shaggy!

They had a really big day with Dad: breakfast at Bobbi's, swim class (where Gabriel unexpectedly came home with a white ribbon, having advanced another level), BMX park (where Julian braved some of the mounds, and even made it up to the starting plateau!), haircuts, the bike shop (Julian's earned himself some BMX gloves), out to lunch, then more time with Dad helping him rake leaves and definitely not being any help when he tried to mow the lawn. Then they got a nice impromptu short playdate with the White kids when Betsy & Co. stopped by. They went to bed exhausted.

And here I thought it'd be so nice for them to have a day "off" at home after being in full-time daycare all week.

11/17/07

11/16/07 The errand

For weeks now, a bag of impulse purchases has been rolling around my car, waiting for the opportune moment to be returned at Bed Bath and Beyond. When am I ever going to fit things like that into my new schedule?

Answer: Friday afternoons.

Today I scooted out of work at 3pm, and decided to go to BB&B just so I don't have to look at this bag anymore, and make the return. And I did. Done, fini, finata, finito.

From there, I picked the boys up, then took them to pick Katrina up. Not the most efficient route, but in terms of lugging things and kids around, it worked the best. Best of all, we were all home by 4:30pm, and the boys had some time to play outside together while Katrina bopped around making "bid-dah bid-dah bid-dah" sounds, playing with books and looking for things to draw on with a crayon. I actually got to sit down and have a snack and read the newspaper for a few minutes. Are working moms allowed to do that in the late afternoon? Stay-at-homes deserve every spare minute they get, but me? Anyway, I appreciated it.

When Katrina isn't being swarmed by her brothers and doesn't need a diaper change, she now routinely plays for half an hour, often longer, very happily on her own (and often very unhappily if you try to wrench her away). Another long attention span. We must be doing something right?

Best of all, time from leaving my driveway to pulling into the parking lot at work today was 35 minutes. A far cry from the hour and 20 minutes it took earlier this week! The importance of leaving early cannot be overemphasized, and that was with leaving a little late today (7:10am) and losing a minute -- every minute counts -- to missing a turn.

Still, it's hard to know how to fit everything in. If I exercise at work, then the overhead of a separate trip to the Y or Rancho isn't a time cost. But then I'm spending time working out instead of working, and right now I feel the need to work as much as I can to become productive again. I know it's temporary. I have no intention of making this rat race our regular life, but I have to pay some dues now so that I can start shaping my job/career/income-earning-activity into the lifestyle I want later. Which doesn't involve leaving home with an unbreakfasted (though a very happy and silly) baby at 7:10am.

Gabriel (who has a nice shiner now above his eye, but it's a lot less swollen) came home today with a funny song, one he says he learned in kindergarten class:

Lemonade (clap clap clap)
Chilly ice (clap clap clap)
Beat it once (clap clap clap)
Beat it twice (clap clap clap)
Turn around (turn around)
Touch the ground (touch the ground)
Kick your boyfriend out of town! (make a kicking motion and burst into peals of laughter)

I put the boys to bed tonight, and we had lots of fun repeating this song (really more of a chant) and acting it out. It sure is easy and fun to act like a silly kid when I've been a serious grownup all day.

11/16/07

11/15/07 Dragging again

Oh my gosh was I tired again today. This getting up at 6:30am thing is for the birds. I'm sorry, it's just not in my biology. I need 10 hours of sleep to feel even slightly OK all day from getting up so early, but I do just as well on 6 hours of sleep if I can get up at 8:30. Or 9. Or 10! Oh, those were the days!

I'm in the camp that can find energy by using it. So I went running with a small group at lunch today (a 4-mile flat run, and slow until I took off on my own), and that revived me temporarily. But when I got home with the kids and immediately kicked into make-dinner mode, I could have fallen asleep with every blink. I swore I'd go upstairs tonight at 9:30pm, and here it is, 9:35, and I'm writing. I'm gonna pay dearly for that tomorrow.

Julian's come home twice this week in his emergency clothes, having peed during his nap. I can't get the story straight. First he says he peed while he was asleep, which I believe, but then he says there's no grownup there, and then he says that if he lifts his head, he's told to lie back down. None of those things go together. I told him he needs to wake up if he has to pee, and if he doesn't see a grownup, to just go, and if a grownup tells him to lie down, then tell the grownup he has to go. Dave's going to talk to someone tomorrow to try to get the story straight, but whoever's there when he drops Julian off might not be the same person overseeing the naps. In any case, some grownup besides his parents needs to assure him he can always get up to pee, if he really is waking up.

Maybe this will turn into a foothold for night-training. If Julian can learn to wake himself up from a nap, then maybe he can at night too. He hadn't peed during a nap at Tonya's for a long time though; maybe he sleeps more soundly at Kids Inc. They always tell me he took a full 2-hour nap, and it shows at home.

Melissa described Katrina as "feisty" today, and said she threw a few fits about not getting something she wanted, but overall she's thrilled to bop around and play, rarely crying anymore unless it's angry protesting about not getting her way. Books are her absolute favorite thing these days, and she is very, very insistent about sitting in a lap and shoving a book at you!

Though I still spent over 2 hours total driving around picking up and dropping off today, it wasn't nearly as painful as yesterday. This would all be so much easier if either work, or childcare, were closer to either home, or each other. But right now, I'm driving around San Jose in one gigantic, traffic-choked triangle. Every day on my way to Melissa's I think, "I've got to find another place." Then every day when I arrive and see how happy Katrina is and how good I feel knowing what fabulous care she's getting, I think, "I've got to keep her here." Not that she'll suffer at Tonya's by any means, but the age she's at is perfect for the excellent one-on-one care Melissa, who's a trained preschool teacher, can give her now (until her license comes through and she can take more kids).

No photos today. I need to take one of myself for my ID badge at work, but I look in the mirror and see a very, very tired face, an old and tired face, and I can't bring myself to do it.

11/15/07

11/14/07 The DRIVING

Rough, tough day today. Late start, which turned into hitting max traffic on the worst possible routes. All told, I spent over 2-1/2 hours today driving around to drop off or pick up, much of it stuck in stop-and-go on I-880 this morning.

I also happened to arrive at Melissa's right after she'd left to drop her son off at school, so I had a little time to hang around with Katrina. I didn't mind that at all. She had a grand time bopping around, always in search of books to point to or chairs to push around. She now has a second tooth coming in up top. Symmetry!

Given my work location, it's clear that picking up Katrina first is the best way to go, but that means hauling her in to get both Gabriel and Julian, and having to carry her around while I try to sign them out and gather their things. It would be so much easier if I could just set her down for a moment. Please, baby, please walk soon!

At least Gabriel's eye is looking better, though there's still some chance it'll turn into a nice shiner.


Julian said today, "When I'm a girl, I'm going to like pink!"

I went to a Mom's Night Out and cookie exchange with the 2006 mom's group tonight. Just in time to save my sanity. It's a completely different world, being in a group of women in a home, talking about our kids, schools, our lives; so different from being at work in a group of men, talking about much less personal and more directed things. Both worlds are a relief to be in, in their own ways. And I'm looking forward to the weekend to have some time in the kids' world again. That could well be the best thing to come out of this job thing! Meantime, it's a tough adjustment.

11/14/07

11/13/07 The Designer

Did I complain yesterday about having to get up at 6:30am? That was sleeping late compared to today! Gabriel, out of sorts from his few days in a later time zone, woke up at 5:45am today. That woke Julian, who started whiny noisy crying. That woke Katrina, and it was pretty much all over from there.

Since Dave was taking the day off today, my Plan had been to get to work really early, since he could take Katrina to Melissa's (Tonya's today, actually, they swapped). But my early Plan didn't include missing a crucial hour of morning sleep, nor several boy argument interventions. The early start perversely turned into getting to work later than I'd planned, and from 7:15am on (when I arrived at work), my sorry rear end was dragging like a plow in a muddy field. I can't believe how tired I was today.

But I can believe it, since I've been much more tired in the past. Painful was it was, it was superficial tired, since it was only one day. Not months, like I suffered when Gabriel was a baby.

And, if I was really dying, I could always have taken a nap. As a network engineer, no one's life depends on me. Baby moms, on the other hand....no way. So as beat as I was today, I'm here to report: going to work tired is still much, much, much easier than the ravaging wastedness of chronic sleep deprivation that comes with babies.

But you know, something else I find I really miss from being at work: the cute factor. There is just no "awwww" in my day.

Tired as I was, I found the energy for our appointment with our new kitchen designer, Anna at AS Designs. Once again, I left feeling confident we're in good hands, she has a good handle on all sorts of things I'd never think about -- including the kitchen sink.

Gabriel got knocked in the eye by some other kid's elbow today, and boy does it look bad. His eye is half-shut from the big blue puffy area above his right eye, poor kid. (It was a hectic evening, so no photos.)

I'm still so torn about work. Every minute is another swing. I like the grownup time and not being distracted by the kids for a few hours. A whole side of me is coming awake again, remembering what it's like to have a sharp mind (it's a vague and decidedly unsharp memory, and I'm a long ways from it, especially today), remembering what it's like to talk to (pretty much only) men all day, and the direct and nontangential way they communicate. At the same time, I miss my children, I miss being home, I miss having flexible time, I miss YAKKING with my mom friends. Though some of my best yaks have been with men, on the whole, men can't YAK the way we do! I like the predictability and control (I can get coffee when I feel like it), but I miss the variety in the day (hmm, low on vanilla, perfect excuse for a trip to TJ's).

And I miss the "awwwww....".

One mitigating factor is that there's a small, sporadic lunchtime running group, but also, a smaller and more sporadic, and partially intersecting, workout group. My hyperactive colleague has a mini-gym out on the back loading dock, a cart with weights, mats, jumprope and a few other things. So, I availed myself of this today and actually did a weights workout on the loading dock out behind the building! Yeah, there were a few delivery truck drivers that did a double-take ("did that insane woman make a wrong turn on her way to the gym?"), but on the whole, it was worth it. I was so tired it was essential to keeping my energy up. That said, I still suffered pangs of guilt, since an hour lifting weights on a loading dock is an hour I could be home with my children. And I'm off the clock, so it's costly. But then, so is my frail sanity.

Said frail sanity will get bolstered tonight by an indulgence in looking over some house design books and dreamily imagining my future.

11/13/07

11/12/07 Building me

Julian noticed a spot on his leg tonight and asked, "Did they put that there when they builded me?"

Meantime, I swing wildly about how I feel about this work thing.

I don't like the mad dash to get to and from work.
I like having somewhere to go.

I don't like being in an office.
I like being around other grownups.

I don't like reading boring things.
I like thinking and concentrating again.

I don't like the equipment and technology I'm working on.
I like working on equipment and technology again.

I don't like being away from my mom friends.
I like being around men again.

I don't like the feeling of scrambling and not understanding anything.
I like the feeling of being productive (well, when I am that is).

I don't like being away from my children.
I like the break from my children.

I don't like the time.
I like the money.

Dave and Gabriel are home, though my anticipated reunion with my firstborn was anticlimactic when he arrived draped on Dave's shoulder, fast asleep. The trip went well, Gabriel was very well-behaved and had a great time at all the kid activities they did together. There's a wooded trail behind Dave's parents' house, and he loved running around there.

Katrina cut a new tooth today, the right top one!

11/12/07