12/15/07 The laptop

I brought my laptop home from work in case I had time to squeeze in a little work this weekend. Katrina thought it made a perfect pedestal, and grand fun to stand up on.

Another holiday party, and another sleepover. Dave and I went to Palo Alto and saw Arsenic and Old Lace and had dinner at our longtime favorite restaurant there. Much as I love sleepovers and date nights, the need for time away from my children isn't nearly as urgent anymore.

12/15/07

12/14/07 The Analysis

Tonight we were reviewing Gabriel's Friday Folder, which includes his teacher's assessment of his work and behavior. Dave talked to Gabriel about getting a "fair" for behavior this week, instead of the usual "good." Then Dave saw that Gabriel got a '+' grade (instead of the "satisfactory" grade of 'star') on one of his worksheets, and showed him that he hadn't finished coloring and writing it.

Gabriel looked stricken and blurted out, "Things are going all wrong!"

Katrina's new trick: she says "shh!" and puts her finger up, especially when she sees this one page in a baby book.

I like it when she shh's her brothers, and they think it's hilarious.

We actually managed to get some lights put up on our Christmas tree tonight!

12/14/07

12/13/07 Early to bed

...got the crew in bed at 8:30pm, and as soon as Dave gets back from a meeting, I'm going for a long-overdue Coffee Night with my mom friends. I am SO tired tonight, barely slept again, but I'm GOING!

We got a note from Gabriel's teacher today: he's been trying to pick up other kids (reaching around behind them and bear-hugging), and been told to stop, and he's still doing it. She's asked if we can talk to him, mistakenly assuming that we have any clout with him!!

So we did talk to him tonight, and he seemed genuinely puzzled as to what it was about at first, then inexplicably and very uncharacteristically burst into tears of frustration. "OK, we're not talking about this anymore!" he choked out angrily. We didn't know what to make of it. I told him OK, we won't talk about it, but if we hear he isn't listening to his teacher again (the truly egregious offense), then he's going to get in Big Trouble. And Big Trouble means: missing trips to the BMX park. It doesn't get more serious than that.

Still waiting for that First Step from Miss Babycakes! But she was very cute tonight when I was "reading" her a book with faces on it, and I said "shh!" on the page with a sleeping baby and the words "shhh," and she repeated her version ("ssss!") whenever we came across that page. Sometimes she looks at me with such fierce concentration when she's working on a word it's unnerving.

Dave's home, I'm outta here!

12/13/07

12/12/07 Santa Practicalities

Gabriel asked tonight, "When is the real Santa going to die?"

We'd talked about Santa after last weekend's holiday party, where there was a "Santa" there, delighting most children and scaring some. Gabriel didn't buy it: "No, that was someone dressed up as Santa, someone just like you and me!"

But he still holds out some doubt -- or is it hope? -- that there really is a Santa. I told him that Santa has lots of friends who help him out, and people he sees dressed up as Santa are exactly that, just people dressed up as Santa helping him out.

And as far as when the real Santa dies? I said, "That's a good question, Gabriel...no one really knows. Santa has been around for a long time, and some people say he lives on and on and on." This vague side-step was met with wide eyes as it churned through his literal, practical mind, grasping for reality.

Then: "I know where Santa lives -- Disneyland!"

Melissa told me today that Katrina was standing for minutes at a time now, bending down to pick something up again and again. She moves her feet to keep her balance, she looks down to do something, she stands up just to get to something. In other words, it's not just for fun anymore, it's become part of her repertoire. When she really wants to get from point A to point B, she puts her head down and kicks into crawl-gear, but still, the first steps could happen any minute now!

It's been hard to pinpoint exactly, but the first words are there too. I'm just not exactly sure what they are. I'll have to make up some legend, because every kid wants to know what their first word was. For Katrina, I'd say it's "bear," even though "bay-yah" means any animal, because she first applied it to bears. "Nuh!" blurted with a giggle and a pointed finger in your face means "nose!" Melissa told me today that they went through all the animal sounds, and I've heard her say "mmmUH!" for "moo" and "pffffffff" for "ruff" (dog). She also has this absolutely adorable expression of "Up-psssss!" which I think means "oops" but she says it to a lot of things. And then there's something akin to "uh-oh!" but not quite. Katrina's many sounds, pointing to things, sincere exclamations that she clearly thinks are words, get more varied and more adorable every day.

Basically, language-wise, she's right on track.

(Ironic that in a sentence referencing language, I'd use two things my high-school English teacher, Frank McCourt, absolutely hated: "-wise" and "basically." Basically, language-wise, Mr. McCourt, I'm a disaster.)

Just what I need: a cold. No really, I think I do need it! I had a hard time sleeping last night because of a stuffy nose, and got up absolutely exhausted. On the drive to work after dropping off Katrina, I dreaded the first hours there when it's such a struggle to wake up and concentrate. I decided I've leave work early.

Then, I changed my mind. If I'm going to miss some work today, I should do it now, not later. So I bailed on my route to work and went home, and straight to bed. Boy, did I need that. Thank you, cold! I was still not feeling well at work, but was able to be productive and not drag all day. The one thing I had to forfeit (sniff!) was my lunchtime run, only because I didn't have enough time to work. The cold itself definitely isn't bad enough not to go running.

Still, the odd morning gave me a little perspective. I can handle this brutal schedule some days -- just not all days. I need to find more small ways to get some breaks. Katrina walking, Gabriel being able to get himself out of his carseat himself -- and get Julian out of his carseat (!) -- go small ways toward relieving the load. Asking Melissa to bring Katrina home one day, maybe two, a week, will also help. Taking an hour or two some mornings after dropping off Katrina might help too. Work itself is going better, I'm more self-sufficient and starting to get a good fingerhold on things.

Yesterday I got the most exciting break -- a meeting with our kitchen designer for a first review of initial designs. YAYYY!! Better yet, not only was Dave able to make it, but our most awesome architect did too! It was, as always, very productive, we made tons of progress, and I'm really really excited about my new kitchen. The kitchen designer had some really good practical ideas, as well as some aesthetic ones I thought I didn't care about at all, but soon realized, "wow, she's right." I really will care that the island and the range hood are lined up so that when you stand back to see the kitchen, visually it's organized and pleasing. But she has practical knowledge too, like that convection microwaves are too deep to go into standard overhead cabinets (many such microwaves are in the same cabinet as a wall oven, which is deep enough, but I'm pretty set on a double oven, so that won't work).

Having the architect there was great because we talked a lot about furniture placement, how big a table we could fit comfortably, would the oven doors get in the way of chairs, where would a sofa go, what kind of chairs would we have....in the end, it looks like we'll have to kick the family room out another 3 feet so that we can fit the minimum of furniture we'd like in there.

The question came up about maybe not putting a dining table in the kitchen/family room area, instead only relying on the island for seating. I nixed that one fast. I really, really want everyone to be able to sit to dinner, homework, whatever, and be able to talk to them while I'm doing things in the kitchen, feeding Katrina, getting someone milk, whatever. If I had any doubts, I just think back to last night, when I had the boys sitting to dinner at 6pm, and I was still in the kitchen with Katrina, and Julian said, "Mommy, I can't see you when you're in there!" My little boy. You just added 3 feet to our new family room.

Julian comes home with a new song just about every day. He sure does love to sing, especially about Santa. Who's well and alive in his mind.

12/12/07

12/11/07 Energy

I was thinking last night about energy cycles, as I lay in bed after struggling through an evening barely able to keep my eyes open. Now I was, alert, tense and nowhere near sleep. I was well past the tipping point after which my energy reserves were tapped, the floodgates opened, and then I couldn't turn it off. Not unlike overtired hyperactive children.

I kept thinking about a passage in a book I'd read long ago...a meta-passage, really, since in the book, the protagonist wrote a short essay which unexpectedly won her an award in school. That essay was about ambition, and it included the insightful line, "Ambition is a good servant but a poor master." Who wrote that? It churned in my head as I thought how the same applies to energy. My trademark energy. It served me well when I needed to dig deep to make the evening go, but was now mastering me.

My mind was spinning so out of control I felt I had no choice but to take the tiniest sliver of an Ambien that I could cut. It doesn't help that I'm reading The Kite Runner, a book I'd heard about some time ago, and now has been made into a movie. It is indeed an excellent book, and there's a heartbreaking part in which the main character and his wife are struggling with infertility. Especially for Afghanis, for whom family and blood are so important, this was deeply felt for them. I read that part again while waiting for sleep to finally overtake me.

The last thought I had was I'm so, so, so glad I have children.

12/11/07

12/10/07 Back to Kansas

Sometimes it seems like the office is the dull humdrum black-and-white world of Kansas, and home is the bright, colorful, lively place of Oz, filled with happy chattering little munchkins. I needed a little Kansas in my life, but I wasn't prepared for such a startling contrast.

Steeled as I was for Monday, it wasn't so bad at all, other than being much too tired. There just is no such thing as "getting used" to getting up early. It's not in my biology. A lunchtime run fixed that and put me in a great mood and made me productive the rest of the afternoon.

I coached myself on the drive home to relax when we got home. Form a plan: start first with getting Katrina's dinner ready, so that I'd be prepared when the bomb dropped. This basically worked, I was able to get dinner started and then give her something to feed herself with when she flipped the switch from happy giggling baby to grabby demanding hungry grump. It helped that the boys played outside (in the dark!) until dinnertime.

After dinner, I found myself flitting around the kitchen, cleaning up, getting lunches ready, putting food away...until I thought why am I doing this now? I really want it done, but time sitting on the floor and playing with Katrina is so precious now. Not as precious as wanted it to be, since my Precious Pest horns in on the action (that would be Julian), but still, we all got some playing in. I was about to say "done." Boy, this is getting twisted.

Soon. Really. I'll have more to write about than how overwhelmed I am with this new life.

12/10/07 (Cousin Jason's birthday, he's 31 today!)

12/9/07 Katrina eats

When my nephew was a baby, he plagued my sister for months with barely eating anything, compounded by numerous food allergies. I have a friend whose baby decided to challenge his firsttime parents by not eating. There's something very fundamental about seeing your baby eat -- or not. Even for those of us who have been very lucky in escaping any serious food challenges (and I'm more than lucky, as I was blessed with Julian), there's still a sense of victory and success in seeing your baby swallow.

Katrina crowned me Great Mom on that one today, not that I actually had anything to do with it. She's always spit out banana pieces, until today when I held a banana for her and she bit off pieces with her fledgling teeth. She ate almost 4 clementines, stuffing the pieces into her mouth and demanding more faster than I could peel and cut them up. She had a huge bag of Cheerios at the Y this morning, after a hefty oatmeal breakfast. Post-nap snack included a bowl of cauliflower, then rice and broccoli. Dinner was 5 meatballs (!Mom Alert! Trader Joe's Party Mini Meatballs -- kids LOVE THEM!) and spaghetti. When I left Katrina with Dave last night (took the boys to a party), he was startled that she finished all the food I'd prepared for her. Can 20 pounds be far off?

I really wanted to go to the BMX park today to watch the boys, but Katrina pooped out right as I was ready to leave. Boy, when she crumbles and needs a nap, it's an emergency. I didn't mind the quiet time at home though.

But, lucky me, Dave text-messaged our friend Paul, who not only lives a few blocks from the BMX park, but is a really good photographer with a really good camera. Paul had a moment, so he got some really good photos of the boys there.







And if that wasn't enough, after returning from the BMX park, the boys spent most of the afternoon riding their bicycles up and down the block. They were egged on by a very nice neighbor, who lives just three doors down with her husband, yet I've only talked to her a few times. She's a very serious cyclist, a modest one who I had to probe to discover that a training ride to her is 200 miles, like from home to Monterey and back! Holy Derailleur Batman! Anyway, our nice neighbor spent a lot of time riding up and down the block with the boys, "racing," sort of.

Back to the grind tomorrow. It was such a nice weekend, I don't want it to be over. Though really, it wasn't all fun and games, since the inability to do things during the week forces me to waste precious weekend time taking care of things on weekends.

But starting another week of ultra-early mornings, hours of driving and hectic dinners isn't what's weighing on me. It's an identity crisis. Who am I? In the past, it was dancer, motorcyclist, engineer, and, somewhat against my will, writer. But am I any of those things now? I never asked myself the question before I had kids. And perhaps now, I never need to ask the question again, because above all else, despite anything and everything that I do, I'm Mother. One who's going through the motions of being an engineer, and wondering why.

12/9/07

12/8/07 Christmas Tree

We got our Christmas tree today, the old-fashioned way: we drove farther, paid twice as much, and got a much scragglier tree than if we'd gone to Home Depot, 5 minutes away, and paid $20 for a lush, fragrant tree. But it's so much more fun this way.

Dave and I got our tree at this same farm when I was 8 months pregnant with Gabriel, and I remember thinking it would be so fun to come back with kids. And it really was fun! On the drive into the mountains (a short trip, barely 10 minutes), Julian exclaimed several times, "This is such a BEAU-tiful place!" I love going into the mountains, and always get a pang of regret that being on narrow twisty scenic roads was such a regular part of my life for so long. I really miss it, but when the kids are older, we'll make up for it.

It was cold, but the boys warmed up fast running around.



It took about 5 minutes to find a suitable tree, but we spent more time wandering around anyway before settling on a different one (because we'd never find the first one again). I carried Katrina in the backpack.


The boys helped Dave carry it back.


The kids all had a great time, which meant I did too!

I took the boys to the Las Madres 2004 Holiday Party tonight, which was a great time, as always. The wonderful kids' musician Andy Z was there -- he's so much fun I wish I were a little kid again too! To my surprise, Gabriel jumped right into the fray, and a little less surprising, Julian stood dumbstruck for much of it, but I know it will stick with him more.

Katrina stayed at home with Dave, and a good thing, since the room was busy and crowded and full of places for a crawling baby to get stuck under. Too bad, because I put the most adorable sweater on her today, and it looks absolutely great (green is a good color on her). It was brand-new with tags, and I'm ashamed to say I'm not sure who gave it to us. I'm pretty sure it came in a bag of other things from any number of generous friends, though it's made in France and the labels are in French.

Could this photography get any worse? Two toilets in the background, Pull-Ups in the photo, and redeye. But at least you can see the sweater, and that delighted impish face making a huge mess of the stack of Pull-Ups.


Earlier tonight, the day seemed hectic and out of control, but looking back on it, it seems just right.

12/8/07

12/7/07 The Light Show

Tonight after dinner, we trekked the crew out to see a raved-about Christmas light show in Sunnyvale, the Severns-Pease Christmas Display. This was no ordinary light show -- it's synchronized to music so that you can tune your radio to an FM frequency, and listen to the music with the lights together. It was fabulous! Once Gabriel understood that a funny sound in the music meant some light would light up with it, he thought it was hilarious. Julian, typically, didn't react right away, just watching it dumbfounded. Poor rear-facing baby couldn't see it at all from our otherwise optimal vantage point, and she was tired and fussy. I thought it was absolutely wonderful, the music really made it.

The Web site is really good too, with a lot of humorous detail from the homeowners who put this show together. They do it all on their own, spend their own money and their own time, just because they think it's fun. We'll definitely have to go back when Katrina isn't pooping out.

I'd asked Melissa to bring Katrina home to our house today, for a Friday afternoon break. Perfect! I left work early, went for a quick-hit run, a hard-hit trip to Trader Joe's, then spent my remaining free hour at home alone scrapbooking. It was urgent.

It's always hectic at home making dinner. It could be fun, but I have a little time bomb crawling around, who at any moment forces me to drop everything. But tonight I found a way to keep Katrina happy while I got things under control in the kitchen. Taking advantage of her hunger, I gave her a bowl of broccoli. And then another. And another. Small bowls, of course, but still. Nothing makes a mom happier than her baby calling out for more broccoli!

Another dinner-making challenge is that the boys want jobs to do. This is a really good thing, something I want to encourage, and something I really enjoy. But, there are times that I am just too busy, or there aren't suitable jobs for them, or the jobs I really need done don't measure up. Fortunately, I found one tonight for Gabriel: cutting the woody ends off asparagus. It made Julian jealous, but I found a job for him too: arranging the asparagus in the pan so that all the stems were facing one way. I could have done both jobs with one fell swoop of a kitchen knife and then one toss in the pan, but I love including the boys. And they're much much better about doing chores (though I don't call them that yet) like setting the table if they're already involved.

Katrina stood up for much, much longer today! Melissa said one time she actually picked up a sippy-cup, stood up, then drank from it standing up, then put it back down. Tonight she stood up and looked around, looked down at something she was holding, fiddled with it, looked around again, then lowered herself down. Her balance is getting more solid every day.

Gabriel got a report card today! That is, a Kindergarten Progress Report. For the most part, his teacher ranked his skills with S for Satisfactory (no 'N'eeds Improvements or 'O'utstandings), though to our surprise, she ranked his science-related skills ("shows understanding of concepts taught") lower than all others, including language skills.

Here are her comments.

Gabriel knows the alphabet and letter sounds (phonics), can can blend words as well as rhyme them. He is a good reader, is able to write complete sentences and has a great vocabulary. He enjoys our art activities and is talented at drawing. Gabriel is doing fine in math as well. The one area I hope Gabriel can make progress in this year is to focus more on his work, not daydream so much, and work a little faster. Many days he cannot finish his assignments, although the work he does complete is always good quality. Gabriel participates in all classroom activities and discussions. He is very sociable, well-liked by his classmates, and I really enjoy having him in my class.

Talented at drawing?! Now that's a first! I've seen the artwork of his classmates, and proud of my dear son as I am, I can't say that his drawing really stands out. But then, what do I know about art? Good for him!

Indeed, Gabriel has developed a new lollygagging trait, with a Gabriel twist to it: when he putzes and drags his feet, he really does it, and it's very hard to wrest him out of it. Julian, the master procrastinator in the house, interacts when he's trying to drag things out: complaining, whining, throwing himself on the floor, classic kid stuff. But Gabriel acts like he has headphones and blinders on. I don't mind it, I figure he's just being a kid. Still, he will need to learn to turn it off for school.

Ah, no lunches to pack tonight. Let's hear it for weekends!

12/7/07

12/6/07 The Snowman and the Bunny

Julian often comes home from daycare with a new little story or song. This time, it's a little poem about the snowman and the bunny, complete with hand gestures. He's very hard to understand in the video, so here are the words, as best as I can make them out.

A tubby little snowman with a carrot nose
Along came a bunny, and what do you suppose?
The hungry little bunny, looking for his lunch
Ate that carrot going crunch crunch crunch

This wasn't his best, but he is so cute doing this! He really likes it when I laugh and clap at his performance.


Katrina stood up several times tonight for at least 5 seconds, looking around with a huge smile as if to say, "Heyyy, it's pretty cool up here!" And then she didn't fall, she let herself down. She's still very unsteady, but one time today she took a tiny step to catch her balance. I made a deal with Betsy that whoever's 2006 baby walks first, that mom makes the other a consolation cheesecake. Katrina's recent progress has me collecting recipes!

I made a point of spending some good quality time sitting on the floor playing with her tonight, relishing every moment of it. She was one giant giggle fit tonight, having a grand time impressing her brothers with her antics.

She also gets a big kick out of a game she made up, in which she crawls circles around me, and I look around saying, "Uh-oh, wheere's baby?" when she's behind me, then she bursts out in front of me, laughing so hard she actually hits her head on the floor.

I had a decent day at work, and a good time tonight with the kids, and an easier time getting home since I didn't make dinner. Dave got Chinese take-out and the kids got a combination of leftovers and TJ's frozen, but since dinner is the only real opportunity I have to get vegetables into them, I steamed fresh broccoli.

But it's all still too much. Something has to give. I'm just not sure what yet.

12/6/07

12/5/07 14 months!

Katrina turned 14 months old today! I'm not sure we can really say she's standing yet -- she can get into a stand, but then immediately plops onto her bottom, giggling away. Her showmanship is certainly a handicap.

I'm not sure this counts as a word, but anytime she sees an animal picture or drawing, she points to it and says, "Bay-ah!" with awe at her discovery. It's very cute.

I had a better day today -- it's so minute-by-minute these days. I slept better last night, and so was in much better shape to do a lot of painstaking and exacting numbers-looking-up today. I was really a mess yesterday. I've been putting Julian's drawings up in my office, it's nice to see a splash of color on the dull cubicle walls.

Still, more and more I miss sitting down and playing with the kids, especially Katrina -- something I really didn't do much of before anyway. I can talk to the boys while I'm making dinner, and have fun finding ways for them to help. But not Katrina -- her idea of "helping" is walking a footstool around the kitchen, right under my feet and right under a hot splattery skillet. It bums me out that her good time, about half an hour right after we get home and before her teeny tummy alarm goes off, is spent cooking and not playing. These days, I like cooking, so I want to enjoy that too. But I have to spend that precious half-hour of Happy Baby Fun Time focusing in the kitchen, not rolling around on the rug playing Rocket or Bridge or Bouncy-Bounce. We really need to be wrapped up by 7pm, so that the boys have time to chill, play, transition, and Gabriel can work on his homework. Tonight we didn't sit down until 7:20pm, and that was much too late.

So I played with Katrina upstairs before nursing (still hanging in there, barely) and bath, until she pooped out. She's really getting more and more delightful, more fun to play with, more sophisticated in her interaction. It just firms up my resolve: I am not doing this full-time rat-race indefinitely. I have a feeling that when she really starts to walk, I'm going to feel the tug much more strongly to take her to 2006-playgroup park pladates and library storytimes and music classes...all things I didn't do before.

12/5/07

12/4/07 Deadbeat dragging

I couldn't believe how tired I was this morning. It followed me around like a weighty cloud all day, easily fielding my feeble attempts to revive myself (going outside to stretch, coffee, working on something hard). No matter what I did, I couldn't push past it. I didn't want to talk to anyone or move too much or even look at myself. What happened to strong, in-control, capable me? I'm a ragtag mess, barely moving from one step to another.

I'd already decided to leave work early, when Melissa called and asked if it was OK to take Katrina to Tonya's for the afternoon. Couldn't be better. I left work early, forced myself to go grocery shopping, and then went home and lay down. But I couldn't nap; I was too tired-wired. I promised myself: IN BED tonight 10pm, no excuses.

But I felt better -- calmer even -- when I was back home with my little clan. Everything in its rightful place now, the world back in order, everyone where they belong. Gabriel outside running with a truck and a flashlight, Julian calmly drawing in the craft area, Katrina doing her best imitation of a tornado (I was going to say hurricane....), pulling everything out of whatever cabinet, drawer or box she came across before moving on to the next one, leaving a little path of destruction in her wake.

Julian observed tonight that the sky was "almost completely black, but not quite, it's still kind of purple!" He was delighted to hear that there was a word for that: twilight. He's turning into a little boy right before my eyes, just about ready to cast off the last scraps of toddlerhood. My little boy, almost 4 years old.

And now, if there's one commitment I'm going to keep today, it's my bedtime.

12/4/07

12/3/07 Katrina tries to stand

(First let me say: I accidentally erased all our messages tonight before hearing them, so would the executor of the estate of my long-lost rich great-uncle who unexpectedly left me his vast fortune on his deathbed please call back?)

Tonight after dinner, I gave Katrina's red, raw and bleeding rear end some air time, to address a persistent diaper rash since she's been on the antibiotics for the ear infection.

Well, she loves to play with her shoes, usually trying to put them on, but tonight it became more fun to try to stand up with one shoe in each hand. Stand up, did I say? Yes indeed! She tried again and again and again to stand, sometimes staying up for a few seconds.

It wasn't easy to photograph, as her moments of standing were brief, and her poses daring, but I managed to get some modest shots.


Of course, this amused her brothers to no end, so she also started sitting down on purpose to make them laugh. But impressing the audience (and herself, as she sometimes applauded herself), holding the shoes, and perhaps being barefoot, all contributed to this big step toward walking.


The thing that really struck me was her persistence. She did this again and again for over half an hour, reminding me so much of Gabriel's breakthrough moment in walking. One day out of the blue he set his mind to it and worked hard for a really long time to push to a stand and a very stiff walk.

In fact, what the heck. Here he is at 15-1/2 months old, taking his first steps, though this doesn't include the parts where he falls again and again, laughing and laughing and laughing each time.

(This video clip does work, it just doesn't have the preview frame)


Just like Gabriel, Katrina found fun and joy in this game, never looking to me to decide how to react if she fell, and laughing instead of crying when she fell. She must have been getting tired after a while, but she still got better and better as she kept trying.

I'm cautiously thrilled -- Gabriel stood up on his own at 14 months too (Katrina is just two days shy), but it took another 6 weeks for him to get to what you see in the video clip above, and then another six weeks to give up crawling!

I left too late again this morning, 7:20am, and paid for it with an extra 10 minutes of commuting. Doesn't sound like a lot, but the difference between 35 minutes and 45 minutes is huge!

12/3/07

12/2/07 The broken record

Before going on a weekend "long run" today (runners who work full-time do that, apparently), I tried to get a December photo of The Three, for the yearly calendar.

Mostly I got outtakes. The boys were...well, sort of cooperative, but not enough to get The Quintessential Shot of three darling calm little cherubs. What I did get was a lot of moments like this.


Lots of overhead aviation activity didn't help my cause.


Katrina wasn't crazy about this pose. I'll have to try this again indoors when it's not quite as cold.


After the botched photo session, I embarked on my main goal for the weekend: the Long Run. Paranoid about keeping up my running progress, I'd planned an ambitious 10.5 mile route. But to make it that long, I'd have to skip my favorite trail (Upper Wildcat) and instead take a longer that one I'm not crazy about downhill (Upper Rogue Valley). The navigational dilemma was solved by a last-minute re-route to cover both trails, which involved some (uphill) looping back. This impulsive-compulsive tacking-on of routes pushed the total to just over 12 miles -- and just about pushed me over an edge.

I had to seriously psych myself to keep going. Even in the first part of the run, the uphill PG&E trail just about did me in. It's about mental toughness, finding things to think about and push through the immense effort, all for the moment of elation of seeing the final tower at the top. I had my iPod at the ready as a safety net, but for fear of getting hooked, I only pulled it out when the downhill long-haul set in.

And it was cold. It was about 50 degrees out, and windy. (That won't draw much sympathy from gentle East Coast readers, but 50 degrees in California-land feels colder.) I saw lots of other serious-looking runners in long tights, long-sleeved shirts, and some even with hats and gloves. I felt like a real novice in my shorts, tank top and thin 3/4-length-sleeve shirt. They obviously know something I don't. Such as, after that long a run in the semi-cold, it's hard to move your fingers to do things like untie your laces or handle car keys. Though running itself kept me warm, I was really surprised to see how blue my lips and fingernails were when I got home.

A final comment on equipment: I tested out my 3rd pair of running shoes today, a new pair of Adidas that are supposedly trail runners. But they weren't sturdy enough, and about halfway through my run, the bottoms of my feet felt achy. I wish now I'd bought a different pair that had a much more substantial bottom and a much deeper tread (and cost another $40). I haven't had enough experience as a runner to have criteria for running shoes, and "trail" running shoes don't seem to be all that different. But I think from now on I'll be looking for the heftiest ones I can find, a challenge because of the World-Wide Conspiracy Against Size 6-1/2 (same old story: "hmm, we have that in a 6 and a 7, but that's odd, no 6-1/2"). This job thing forces me to do most of my running on very even trails and a lot of pavement, all flat, so the new Adidas will be fine for that.

Somehow I still managed to stock up on weird ingredients at Whole Foods this evening, with Gabriel and Katrina in tow. Actually, it's much easier to shop with Katrina if Gabriel is there (like he'll pick up whatever she's thrown for the 20th time) -- and now he can get out of his carseat by himself too! Still, the basics of the week's cooking will come from Safeway and Trader Joe's, since things like chicken or fish cost an ungodly, and unnecessary, fortune, at Whole Foods. But if you want whole nutmeg or star anise or leeks, Whole Foods is the place to go.

And now, my wrung-out rear-end is due for some quality time with the remote control and some taped Food Network TV shows. Ina, take me away!

12/2/07

Today's route, according to Rancho Runner:

15) Parking -> Coyote -> PG&E -> Upper High Meadow ->
Upper Wildcat Canyon -> Wildcat Loop Trail (N) ->
High Meadow (W) -> Upper Rogue Valley -> Rogue Valley ->
Chamise -> Ravensbury -> Rogue Valley -> Coyote -> Parking

Results for route: 12v456sprKL7jHM3uwv21
Route Miles Up  Down
  12  0.29    0   30
  2V  0.51  195    0
  V4  1.60  500  310
  45  1.86 1020  100
  56  1.26    0  520
  6S  1.37    0  450
  SP  0.61  285    0
  PR  0.18  135    0
  RK  1.00    0  400
  KL  0.51    0   75
  L7  0.20   75    0
  7J  0.60    0  120
  JH  0.05    0   10
  HM  0.12    0   10
  M3  0.31    0   25
  3U  0.15   20    0
  UW  0.25   50    0
  WV  0.67  120    0
  V2  0.51    0  195
  21  0.29   30    0

Total Distance = 12.34 Miles, 2430 feet of climbing

12/1/07 Saturdays anew

One thing about our brutal new weekdays is that weekends really become weekends. I have a lot more energy for the kids and really want to be around them as much as possible.

Not that that stopped me from taking The Three to the Y this morning. I still have to get my sanity workouts. I felt a smidgeon guilty about this until I returned to the Childwatch to find Katrina gleefully playing on this little push-around car toy.


Brothers went to the BMX park today, where I'm told that Julian now goes on the same course as Gabriel, all the same bumps! I'd have loved to see that. Dave said Julian's gotten some respect from the other kids (teenagers) there, since he's on this teeny tiny little bicycle with 12" wheels, and he's just so little. Occasionally there are other kids there Gabriel's age, but Julian's peers are sorely underrepresented.

Katrina does not like her medicine. Dave administered it tonight, and said she "fought fiercely" against it. She's really not very strong or fast, even for a baby her size -- babies can up quite a fight -- but I have to admire her spirit, even as the dread and apprehension sinks in about a repeat of Gabriel's toddlerhood.

A surprisingly productive day, though I've had to recalibrate what that means. Just getting Katrina's toenails trimmed counts as productive.

12/1/07

11/30/07 Goodbye November

The last day of November! I'm not sure I can offhand recall a more difficult or conflicted month. I'm happy about being back at work, but really struggling with everything else. The pressure will soon make things come clear. A little like examining a dam and finding water fizzing out of cracks. I just hope I have time to jump out of the way before the whole thing collapses on me.

Katrina was in much better shape today, full of vim and vigor and forcefully stated opinions. Melissa said she stood up a lot on her own today, for seconds at a time, and thinks she'll walk in the next two weeks. I hope so!

Tonight we dared taking The Three out to dinner at Midori, our favorite Japanese restaurant. Overall it worked well, though I'm glad I brought food for Katrina. I was very busy feeding her at first, because the outrage should I fall behind in shoveling spoonfuls into that tiny but ever-so-loud little mouth...!

Gabriel claimed he didn't like Midori, but was surprisingly open to trying new foods, and in the end he counted 6 things he liked (edamame, miso soup, rice, chicken teriyaki, tempura and tonkatsu, and he tried sushi but didn't like it). Julian as usual tried and ate everything -- we actually had to order more "shooshi."

Later, I "walked" Katrina all around the restaurant, holding both her hands, and she straight-legged Frankensteined her way all over the place, giggling constantly. Uh-oh, was this one of those moments that as a parent I think is irresistably adorable, but other restaurant patrons think is annoying? I kept her away from tables and took care not to block aisles. Besides, it's hard to imagine that even the grouchiest curmudgeon wouldn't find it just a little bit cute. Even her Dad.

To my delight, Julian once again, was a darling little angel today. Right in time for his upcoming 4th birthday. What a joyful place this house is when Julian forgot to take his 3-year-old pain-in-the-ass pill. He has no equal when it comes to charming and sweet. Then again, he doesn't have particularly stiff competition from his siblings, who are both rife with wonderful qualities, but "sweet" doesn't quite make it to the top ten for them. Thank goodness for Julian.

I forgot to mention yesterday: we weighed Katrina at the pediatrician's office: 19 lbs 2 oz! I'd say now the odds are good she'll break 20 pounds by the time Gabriel turns 6, the magic age by which he can legally ride without a booster (until they change the law to "8 or 80 lbs" that is). Gabriel is way too short not use a booster anyway, but 6 still seems like a carseat milestone. There's no hurry, but when Katrina reaches 20 lbs and Gabriel reaches 6 years old, it seems like as good a time as any to start tackling the formidable task of rearranging carseats, something we'll have to deal with come summer or thereabouts anyway. As it is, with all the BMXing going on around here, installing an infant seat in Dave's car on weekends (so that the wagon is free to transport bikes) is going to become a regular thing. But we're not getting a minivan.

Friday. Thank goodness. My sorry rear end has a hot date with the couch now, where it will be firmly planted and glued for the next few hours, except for the occasional mecca to the freezer for an ice cream refill.

11/30/07

11/29/07 From Bad to Better

After a very difficult day yesterday, I was ready for a better one today. But it couldn't have started worse (worsely? worst? English, please!): Katrina, awake and crying furiously at 5:45am. I was going to say crying pitifully, but her cries are rarely pitiful, usually more forceful and insistent, like her. She cried nonstop as I got myself and her dressed and got ready to go. In a frustrated fog, I hadn't yet had a chance to think straight when Gabriel said, "Maybe her ear hurts."

Bingo. As I drove Katrina to Melissa's, I formed a plan: I'd call the pediatricians when they opened and take her there at noon, timed after her nap but in time to pick Gabriel up from school. Sure enough, raging double ear infection. The doc said the ears were bright red and swollen inside, nothing marginal about this one. Prescription, advice, and we were on our way.

My plan had been to leave work early and pick Gabriel up from school today anyway, since I had an architect meeting today at 4pm. I hadn't planned on an emotional crisis yesterday or Katrina's ear infection today, so picking Gabriel up from school today couldn't have been better timed.

The only thing that didn't work was that some guy walked RIGHT by as I was poised to take a photo of Gabriel right as he was released from class!


It felt like I'd returned to paradise, being at the school again. So lively, so colorful, so many joyful little people. Why didn't I see it this way before?

I was glad that Katrina held out long enough to pick up Gabriel, since he really, really needed to work on homework and his Cultural Poster, both due tomorrow.

(I actually think the Cultural Poster was too much work, too large a project across too much time for kindergartners, especially on top of regular homework. And I say that as a parent who has far less prodding to do than most. But even as conscientious as he is, this task in particular was too much. I can't imagine what the parents who were asking about how to motivate their kids to do regular homework make this happen.)

I helped him a great deal with it, giving him ideas and writing things down for him to spell, talking to him about it, but I didn't touch the poster itself. He did all the drawing, tracing, coloring, writing, gluing, and he "wrote" much of the content too. I'm actually sort of proud of how...well, kidlike it looks. I suspect a lot of other posters in his class will come in a whole lot neater. We managed to squeeze in two runthroughs of his "presentation" for it. I can't imagine how we'd have finished this if it hadn't happened that he'd be home early from school today.

Gabriel today that he was the only one in his class doing Italy. Later he also said that "SO MANY!" kids in his class were doing India. He said the teacher called on each kid to ask what country they were doing. Two were doing Africa.

Though Gabriel was very helpful keeping Katrina entertained while I met with our architect, he moved in and out of pest mode a lot today. Katrina was in much better shape this afternoon after a nap and some children's Motrin and her first dose of antibiotic, but she was still a handful. The child bright spot today came from a surprising source: a cooperative, sweet, delightful Julian. He's the oddball around here, as his brother and sister are more similar to each other than he is to either of them, but he corners the market on charm.

I was cheered considerably by my meeting with our fabulous architect, who once again solved a problem in 5 minutes that I haven't been able to figure out for years. This time, it's for the upstairs bathroom, which only has a bath and no shower. Not a problem now, but it won't be long before the kids will want showers instead of baths. So now, we have a Plan for the upstairs bathroom that includes a shower, a bath, a storage cabinet, and a much more sensible place for the toilet. (We had a nice chuckle as we made sure that the toilet placement would work for those who use them standing up and facing them, something easy for short women to forget!)

We also tightened up some details in the kitchen and agreed that she'd help us with the interior design as well. I'm thrilled. It makes me look forward again to remodeling, which isn't easy to look forward to. I can't WAIT!

Dave and I are both steamrollered today from a much-too-early morning and an overall tough week. Only the bare minimum is getting done tonight, and then it's time for us to collapse to bed. I say this more from the heart than I ever have : thank God tomorrow is Friday.

11/29/07

11/28/07 And again

I feel like I'm going to snap. Today at work I remembered how I'd had some ambition of picking Gabriel up from school on Fridays, and how distant and remote and impossible that seems now. School itself feels like a distant and remote world, one so far away from the gray cubicle walls, fluorescent light, and relative order and dullness of an office.

Then I was struck with a terrible thought. Maybe he'll get so used to being one of the CDC kids that that will become his life, his expectation, what he looks forward to after school -- not hanging around home with his mother. That will happen in all too few years anyway.

What if he doesn't want me to pick him up anymore?

I couldn't get that out of my head all day, and struggled not to cry when lulls in work let my heavy heart pull my thoughts back to my son. I couldn't feel as sad about Julian and Katrina, a preschooler and a baby who you'd think would need me more than an ultra-independent kindergartner, but was too sad about Gabriel to spin into my usual guilt cycle about the other two. There's plenty of time for that.

Maybe it's me who needs Gabriel more. We have such a history together, we've been through so much already together in his short life. Full-time momming is such a challenging, frustrating, hard thing to do, and its rewards are short, infrequent, and unpredictable. But those rewards are deeply felt ones. Seeing Gabriel's face light up happily when he saw me outside his classroom, and having him run to me with outstretched arms, is one of those wonderful joyful moments that make it all worth it. It was all I could do not to watch the clock during a meeting this afternoon, and then not burst into tears when I saw it was 2:45pm.

I wish I knew why this, of all things, is hitting me so hard now. I'm getting up to speed at work, which is one essential component to getting a grip on this work/home balance that so escapes me. That's good, it brings me closer to the obvious solution of cutting back on my hours -- easy enough to do with this flexible work and contract. But perversely, it's the very flexibility of this job that makes me not want to jeopardize it by not being productive enough yet, so I feel compelled to work every possible minute.

That is, unless some other essential interest gets in the way. To my great surprise, one problem that's been handily solved is how to fit in exercise. There's a trail about 3/4 of a mile from the office and a shower at work -- in just over an hour, I can fit in a run and the day's shower, with no overhead of going anywhere. The run gives me a crucial energy boost, and greatly improves my outlook on life, even today. I had a great time running with my iPod, going fast and feeling strong. Something has to give, but running and exercising isn't it. It can't be, or I really will snap.

The part I struggle with the most is the afternoons. The mornings, to my surprise, are pretty good. Though I'm a true-blue night owl, I actually don't mind leaping out of bed at 6:30am and whisking a pajama'd unfed baby into the car and zooming away into the sunrise. It's almost a personal challenge to beat the traffic (and today I left at 7:10, and there was a noticeable increase in traffic from yesterday's 6:59am departure), and I like getting to work when it's nice and quiet and getting a great parking spot. But I have to fix the afternoons, starting with my own irrational compulsion to work until 4pm. That's just too late.

One minor tweak in the afternoon rush worked well though: after picking up Katrina, I picked Gabriel up next. Then I left Katrina in the car with her protective older brother in the small parking lot right in front of Julian's preschool, which made it much easier to quickly run in and get Julian, and feel that she was safe. I can see the car the whole time, and if any adult pokes his head in, Gabriel is old enough to explain before they call CPS on me. Julian, I can still picture saying, "I don't know where my Mommy is, she left!"

Tonight I talked to Gabriel about picking him up from school. I asked him if he has fun playing outside with other kids after school, and he said "Yeah, I do!" Then I asked if he still wanted me to pick him up, almost afraid of the answer. But he said sincerely, "yeah Mom I still wish you'd pick me up from school." I said, "But you like playing with your friends afterward, right?" and he said, "Yeah, but I like it when you pick me up better." And he gave me his warm bony hug.

Such a kid. No wonder I miss him so much.

11/28/07

11/27/07 The Knowledgeable

Tonight a context I've already forgotten started me into my usual snow job about how Moms know everything. It was something about my mommy knowing everything, because all Moms know everything, and so that means I must know....

"No one knows everything!" blurted Julian, "Not even Moms!" Bubble-burster. What ever happened to kids having imagination?

Later, at dinner, we were talking about school, and I asked Gabriel who taught him in his reading group this week. Julian piped in, "Your teacher is Miss Kowalski, right?" and Gabriel answered cheerfully, "Yeah -- we're getting pretty used to her!"

11/27/07

11/26/07 Love-Hate

This morning at work, feeling good about the long weekend with the kids, the fun at Thanksgiving and how much I like my new cooking and running habits and enjoying a coffee break when I damn well felt like it, I thought, This is good, I like my life.

This afternoon at home, already exhausted by the early day and the hour and ten minutes of driving and picking up, with hours and hours of work ahead of me and no chance to sit down or even pour myself something to drink, I thought, This sucks, I hate my life.

Clearly, balance still escapes me.

I ran into Kristi today while picking up Gabriel. Like me, she was about to pick up her kindergartner, drive home and walk in the door alone with three tired hungry young children and start everyone's dinner. Unlike me, she was very relaxed and undaunted by this upcoming maelstrom. How does she do that? Partly, she doesn't have a 13-month-old who can demand that you drop everything at any moment for a rescue or a stinky diaper (though twins make up for a lot). Partly, she has this idyllic schedule that means she never has to do this two days in a row. Partly, she and the fam just returned from a fabulous trip to Disneyworld, and even she and her husband had a great time (now that's saying a lot!). Partly, she's been doing this a long time and has it all figured out. Mostly, she's the sort of person who takes things in stride and deals with them.

I'm doomed.

I keep telling myself that it's a conspiracy of numerous factors that forms a perfect storm, and that just one or two of those factors neutralized will make a huge difference. The distance to Melissa's is one problem. The distance to work is another problem. Having to carry Katrina and negotiate all the doors and child-safety gates and stairs and gathering things while picking up the boys is another problem. The ultra-early morning makes me sleepy all day.

Moving Katrina to Tonya's, working from home some days, Katrina walking, and getting better established at work so I can work more independently will address a lot of those problems. But I'm not making any changes yet; I've committed to sticking this out until the new year, and then I'll re-evaluate. So it can only get better.

Katrina was exuberant today when I picked her up at Melissa's, despite a chapped face from all the nose-wiping. I had a pang of sadness when she crawled joyfully away from me to Melissa to play, which was quickly wiped out by the memory of Gabriel often crawling around crying when I picked him up from daycare when he was a baby. This is much, much better.

Tonight after dinner I sat and played with Katrina for a while, which mostly revolves around books. Either she's pointing to pictures in one, shoving one in my face, spying one and crawling energetically toward it while giggling, or finding yet another one.


More and more she's practicing standing, and we keep catching her standing up for a second or so at a time, until she realizes it and then plops onto her bottom. I'm not about to get optimistic about impending walking though, since her wily older brother did the same exact thing at this age, finally standing on his own on his 14-month-birthday. So far, for physical milestones, her brothers have pretty much trumped her.


Gabriel was as perfect as little boys get tonight, coming home and working on his Cultural Poster for school, and being funny and sincere and interesting to talk to.

Julian, incredibly, was also sweet and chatty and asking cute questions and saying cute things, then he happily volunteered to set the table. Which he did quickly and completely, far better than Gabriel ever does!

Katrina was a handful while I made dinner, but she was adorable and fun afterward in her neverending quest for More Books. She's also trying to put her "shoes" on now, and her little motormouth just about never stops yabbering and making inquisitive sounds.

I may hate my life, but I sure do love my children.

11/26/07

p.s. a little addendum to yesterday: some video of Gabriel and Julian at the BMX park. I'm so proud of them!