3/7/09 Backyard entertainment

Our lives are entirely about preparing for moving and living in a different house. A good, but busy thing. So this morning, I took all three and ran them to four different stores, including getting mattresses for the boys' new bunk beds, a chore accomplished with surprising speed and simplicity. I didn't get to microwave-shopping, but I'd just as soon do that without the kids anyway. It's a little unnerving how empty some stores are these days.

After Katrina's nap, I took Katrina and Gabriel to the house to meet up with Dave and Julian, who'd been there all afternoon. Note that choice of which child Dave took with him during Katrina's -- and my -- nap was carefully crafted! Being around just Julian is delightful. Being around Julian and either -- or worse, both -- of his siblings is a constant exercise in reminding, warning, scolding, countdowns, removals and timeouts. It took him only 10 minutes after our arrival to wiggle his dirt-smeared fingers in Katrina's eye.

Despite the active reunion of the three, Dave and I each managed to make progress on our projects. Post-nap munchies helped.


Katrina tested out, and helped compress with her 26 pounds, Dave's walkway to the deck.


But what could possibly be more entertaining than a huge pile of dirt in the backyard? Especially if it makes it easier to grab the rickety fence.

I saw the tail end of a nice tumble by Katrina off the dirt mound -- a benign affair that involved some uncontrolled rolling nonetheless. She's not that tough, she cried although she wasn't hurt at all, just surprised. I'm torn about how big a deal to make of it. She needs some comfort, but someday she's going to catch me rolling my eyes and decode my muttering "oh get OVER it."

The boys were so filthy afterward that I regretted not telling Dave to just strip them right at the front door. That instantly converted a plan for going out to dinner into takeout.

My goodness, our living room looks so much better with color -- walls, light fixture, entry door. The floors are mid-refinish too; somehow they needed refinishing at the last minute.


This is a little like being 38 weeks pregnant. I know my life is going to change completely in 2 weeks, but it's very difficult to envision and really put myself in that place. There's so much to do before then. I wish I could just close my eyes and hold my breath, and when I come up, it's all over.

3/7/09

3/6/09 Ponytays

There's a short window in a girl's life when high ponytails are super-cute. Maybe it's partly because at Katrina's age, she tends to fling her head a lot and they bounce around.

I do have practical reasons for "ponytays" as Katrina calls them. She hates having her hair trimmed, and usually disapproves of my brushing it as well ("don't brush me! stop brushing me!!"), but it gets full of food if I don't do something. OK, I admit it: part of it is self-indulgence. The one thing I do like about dressing a girl is cute hair.


Even if I'm not all that good at it. The ponytails are absolutely irresistable, and the boys love them too. I do still leave it down on weekends; she looks so scruffy it's very endearing. But there's plenty of time in life for that.

3/6/09

3/5/09 "Can I come out now?"

Every evening, almost without fail, Julian offends and re-offends so many times after we get home that I have to send him to his room. There's just so much sister-screaming I can take, and too many opportunities for him to get pummeled by his brother -- which is fine with me, but it escalates, it's easy to lose track of who's really at fault, then said brother started initiating obnoxiousness, and the whole situation is overall disruptive and annoying while I'm trying to kick into dinner/lunch/homework gear. I try to distract Julian -- it used to work to ask him to read to me in the kitchen -- but lately he's too determined to be a pain in the rear end.

Calm immediately settles over the house as soon as he's removed. And so, it's very easy to forget he's in his room.

"Can I come out now?"

Usually, after a small struggle getting him into his room, he calms down and plays quietly or reads, and he too forgets he's been banished. Then he gets tired of it, far past his original sentence, and calls out sincerely, "Can I come out now?"

It always makes me feel a little bad....I keep forgetting he's in there, and he's being pretty good. But once he's out, it doesn't take long before he's pestering one or other sibling and the rounds start again.

"Can I come out now?" Little sad sack. I really wish he would, and I wish he'd just be with me.

This is the cheeriest thing I have to say for the day...I'm a health disaster, with a horribly swollen and sore throat, fighting aches and chills, and generally just feeling awful. My back is mostly better, but the residual foot-buzzing will be with me for weeks, if not months.

3/5/09

3/4/09 Catch me!

...caught! Dave's cold. nice timing.

3/3/09 Down the drain

I gave Julian a shower again tonight, with the express purpose of separating him and Gabriel during the bedtime process. This cuts the screaming and resistance and crying and competition by a factor of ten.

OK, put up your gross-out shields. Julian's nose is often so blocked that it's a pain to get him to blow it into tissues, and the warm water from showers loosens things up. So I have him blow his nose in the shower. He was reluctant at first, but tonight, he hit the motherlode of fun: huge disgusting fingertip-sized boogers hitting the ground and sliming their way down the drain! That's disgusting! It's even funnier if Mom tries to splash the booger back onto you, not that I would ever do such a thing. One time a snot came flying out of his nose and almost hit me -- does it get any better than that?! He luuuuvs showers now, lemme tell you.

Trying not to think about the thousands of things I have to do, what with moving in two weeks and all, I watched Julian and Katrina playing with two colored ping-pong balls together for about half an hour, it was very cute. Then Katrina got a hankering for Julian's knapsack, which is too big for Julian, and very sweetly asked if we could help her put it on. She was so proud of herself walking around with it that pictures just didn't do it justice. This video doesn't either, but you get an idea of how she vaguely resembled a ladybug!

(You can see Julian constantly pestering her, some of which she's OK with, more of which makes her push him away, as usual!)

Ah, a mother can only hope she'll follow in her brothers' footsteps of playing snot games.

3/3/09

3/2/09 Sink and swim

The Dow below 7000...my fragile back limiting my ability to work...the pressure of an upcoming party and move...the growing feeling that I'm failing my children by not spending enough time with them. Sink, sink, sink.

Today it was blustery and rainy, usually a sort of day I like, but it pushed my mood down even further. (Katrina likes the wind though, smiling and laughing whenever the wind blows her hair, like she's a model hamming it up in front of a fan and a photographer.) Tonight was rainy and cold, back to the weekly grind, and my entire upper body sore and weak from supporting my upright stance...so there was only one solution. Swim!

Yes, believe it or not, tonight I went out in 54-degree weather (note to East Coasters: that feels colder here than it does there!), in the rain, and went swimming. Outdoors, of course. I really don't like indoor swimming. It was as cold and nasty as you can imagine getting into the pool, but once in? Ah...a familiar paradise. A constant. Like a return to the womb. I gladly paddled my way through the constant-temperature water, my mind flowly as freely as my liberated body, my head and psyche staying submerged in the peace except for the quick necessary breaths. As difficult as it was to make myself go, I know from much experience that I never, ever regret it. My body is soothed, my soul calmed.

When I got home, the boys hadn't started bedtime yet, so I got Julian ready, spending some very focused time with him. He was cheerful and laughed a lot and was very sweet. And he gave me lots of kisses. I joked with him that his kisses were like magic. But it's true.

3/2/09

3/1/09 A New Month

This month. I can say that now. "When are you moving home?" This month. March 18. Suddenly 2-1/2 weeks never seemed so long.

Productivity today was still hampered by a fragile back -- any length of standing or sitting makes it feel very weak, and my legs and feet fall asleep quickly from sitting. Nevertheless, I did go to the house with two goals in mind: one, to see if I could start placing some privacy window film on a neighbor-facing window that we forgot to order with obscured glass, and two, to get the bouncing boys out on a rainy day.

Yet another thing to "get over": I insisted that this bay window be low enough to sit on, despite its odd look, since "standard" bay windows are about 30" high. But somehow this one ended up only 18" off the floor. I'm wishing I had accepted the architect's recommendation and just made it "standard." What a perfect place this could have been to put a sewing table! (I still could, but stuff would fall off behind it).

The boys approved too, for the .0015 second they were actually sitting.


Overall this "sitting room" is great though, I think I'll end up spending a lot of time here. This month.

3/1/09

2/28/09 Pedaling backward

Katrina, my stubborn little girl...she's going to outgrow this tricycle before she learns to pedal it. She probably could pedal it if she weren't so OFFENDED by anyone trying to show her. Ah well. Tricycles are for fun, and she just loves sitting on it and pushing herself around with her feet on the ground in circles.

2/28/09

2/27/09 Sleepover

Kids out for the count tonight...any fantasies I had about spending the evening taking care of taxes or house things were re-directed by the mess I have for a lower back. Just as well....Dave and I went to see the 1950 movie 7 days to Noon, then out to a nice grownup dinner.

Hobbling around with a cane invites all sorts of bad-back stories and chiropractor recommendations, but few match the symptoms I have, until today. Ramon, our jobsite foreman, had an identical back problem to mine, including the falling-asleep feet. His problem is managed by some sports medicine specialists that I'd already heard of and had intended to contact. He confirms what I'd heard from the physiatrist I'd seen (who I like but only works Tues+Thurs, not often enough to see when the problem happens): probably a herniated lumbar disc.

(For Ramon, it worked out: once his back injury ruled out manual labor, our most excellent contractor sent him to treatment, then to school for project management, and now as a foreman managing projects, is one of our contractor's most valuable and loyal assets. Now that's smart business!)

It intrigues me again that our overall more sensitive child, Julian, acts oblivious to my handicap. But Gabriel is very concerned: "Mom, have you seen a doctor yet?" I remember feeling the same way when I was a kid too: you need to know your mother is completely strong. I remember once when there was a chance my mother would have to go into the hospital for pneumonia, and being utterly, completely, world-shatteringly terrified.

Dave and I had a nice night out in Palo Alto, but I'm quickly reminded as soon as it's time to stand up how restricted my movement is. And anyone who knows me well knows that I don't have much inbetween: I'm either in constant motion, or a complete slug. The in-between of sitting is the worst for my back. Like now. So I'm going to lie down.

2/27/09

2/26/09 Back to back

Ice.
Cane.
Rest.
The only thing missing: drugs. Alcohol will have to do.

Katrina ate green beans tonight, by request. Miracles do happen.

2/26/09

2/25/09 Service Outage

Gabriel went back to school today -- at first. We got called out because he was complaining of an earache. Dave took him to the pediatrician, who diagnosed an ear infection -- and a probable tail end case of hand, foot and mouth disease. Benign, no treatment, no isolation -- just an FYI. That could explain Julian's sore throat earlier this week too.

But that meant no work for me this afternoon as I'd planned. Not the end of the world, but since I know I have a lot of time off coming up (a week in March and a week in April), I'm trying to get in as much as I can.

I made the best of it my unexpected afternoon off, taking care of errands that had to be run anyway. Such as picking up and delivering our new ping-pong table! One good thing I have to say about this economy: it's not hard to buy a $400 table for $229. There it is in the garage, boxed up, after unloading.


Dave disapproves of this development on the grounds that it's a huge thing to store that won't get used much. Even though he's right, I wanted it anyway.

But I gave him another even sounder reason to frown on this idea this afternoon.

That box is heavy. Very very heavy. I got one of the guys at the jobsite to help me unload it, but...the operative word in there is one. Not two. One guy. So I did some of the lifting too. Guess what -- I can throw my back out by actually doing something, instead of just standing there innocently and feeling it snap!

I'm barely above cane level now, though fairly hunched over, and in an unusual amount of pain for this injury. I've been struggling against falling-asleep feet and legs for weeks, since my last close call, and this is a huge setback. I so don't need an injured back when we're about to move. I think today was a clear signal that my days of heavy lifting and being determined to do things myself no matter what may require reconsideration. Fortunately, in a few years I'll have two strong teenage sons to do all the heavy lifting around here.

Our new mantel is in!! It's so awesome that now I'm regretting the hearth tile, which is relatively washed-out and blah by comparison. It's so focal, it's crying out for granite. But the last thing I need now is to wish we'd done something fancier, when most of my regrets and fears are about having gone overboard. (In fact, speaking of overboard, I'm also wishing the surround tile was all just one type, no little details -- very unlike me, since I love little details. This tile is so neat that it really stands well just on its own, and I find the little square pieces along the top distracting.)

The stain color doesn't match the rest of the room, but FEH. I'm tired of matching. It's just not in my DNA. I'm a mishmash sort of person.

Besides, my MAIN reason for a mantel is because I consider it a crime against humanity not to have a place to put family photos or hang Christmas stockings over a fireplace. Now there's a place to set stuff! As usual, the "function" aspect is very clear to me -- the mantel also has built-in shelves on the side -- but the "form" part totally trips me up.


I had no idea how ill-suited I am mentally, intellectually and creatively to remodeling. I will be so, so glad when the constant barrage of New things to get used to is over. And for the next few days, my back will see to it that I see very much the same things.

2/25/09

p.s. I just love my $7 fireplace screen -- it fits perfectly!

2/24/09 Screen scream

Gabriel had a temperature and sore throat this morning, so I stayed home with him. If you can call it staying "home" -- unfortunately, I had to run him all over the place this morning. I was determined to go to another Lowe's way the heck out in S.J. to get the very last fireplace screen in the entire Bay Area, and was very proud of myself for succeeding, and for a mere $20. Then I dropped off a package at the UPS store, then took Gabriel to Target with the promise of finding ping-pong balls for a Lego project...

...and there I found a stack of clearance fireplace screens, for $7. AGGH! After all I've been through online and physical shopping for screens, here they are right at Target, and cheap, all along! I bought one just on principle. Actually, I like it better than the $20 one I got at Lowe's, which I'll return. These days I'm happy to make a trip to a store to save $13.

At least we won't fail final inspection for lack of a fireplace screen.

And since I couldn't find Gabriel any ping-pong balls at Target, we went to a sporting goods store. They had ping-pong balls, but what are ping-pong balls without a matching ping-pong table?

So I bought one of those too...!

Now if that doesn't lure my brother out here for a visit, I don't know what will. Not that I have any intention of letting him redeem himself, despite his wicked spin. I have my eye on Julian as my next opponent -- when he can see over the table, that is. Ping-pong tables are great at parties, and this one will be set up for our open house on Sunday afternoon, March 15th. That's an unofficial announcement!

2/24/09

2/22/09 A nothing Sunday

The pressure is relentless, but sometimes all that does is gridlock me. Taxes, final inspection details, packing....there's only so much I can take. So I took the younger two to the Y, where I lost myself in a Zumba class. Then I napped away the afternoon, exhausted from being up until 4am fretting.

The day's one bright spot came from Julian, who's been more of a black hole for fun lately than a bright spot. He was sitting at the table while I was making dinner, watching me. Then out of nowhere: "Oil and water are hydrophobic." We had a nice chat about oil and water after that. After dinner, I went to work.

2/22/09

2/23/09 Blue Monday

This should be an exciting day -- I scheduled the movers for Wednesday March 18.

Is this really coming to an end? I can't get excited about it yet. Indeed, it's daunting. I just want a normal life back. But the mountains of work ahead, the awful economy, our dwindled savings, our over-spectacular house, and my distorted memory of full-time motherhood have reset what "normal" is, or should be. I really have no idea anymore.

After kids were in bed, I went to work tonight. One "normal" I'm very much looking forward to putting behind us is the hours I spend on so many days driving around taking care of remodeling-related tasks.

2/23/09

2/21/09 Seasonal Items

In order to pass final inspection, there are some common -- you'd think -- items that need to be in place, including a fireplace screen. No big, just pop on down to the local big-box and pick one up, right?

Wrong. Fireplace screens are apparently "seasonal items," and those sections are now being populated by patio furniture and grills. Lowe's, Home Depot and OSH -- nada. Fooey. So much for trying to support local brick-and-mortar -- it's the mouse for me now.

At least Katrina got to ride in the "Blue Car!" at Lowe's and the "Orange Car!" at Home Depot.

2/21/09

2/20/09 The door to home

Our doors are in place. Our new front door:

Our new side door, this time, hinged properly:


It's bittersweet; at this point I'm so frazzled by the normal problems that it's hard to get excited about anything. I can't take the swings. I'm better off just being constantly irritated; the slide down is too hard.

I spent the day with Gabriel, since the CDC activities looked boring today and I figured as long as I wasn't working, I'd enjoy the day with him. I doubt he enjoyed it much with me, as the first half of it was spent zooming around doing remodeling errands. That included over an hour at the house...I mean, jobsite, with him checking out closets and hopping around and being silly. It was nice seeing him in the house actually, it makes it so much more real.

(It's tempting to think we're doing this for them, but that's not true, they just want a place to play. But I care that when they're older, our house will be a place they'll want to hang out with their friends, with plenty of spaces, and of course, a welcoming mother who finds the perfect balance between being a Cool Mom, but gives them their space. My, I dream large!)

We gave 30-day notice at our rental today....I haven't set a date with the movers yet, but we're looking at March 17. yeah, yay, whatever.

2/20/09

2/19/09 Rattled

Intensely stressful day. Wrote lightly about it on my remodeling blog. I even missed Coffee Night with my mom friends, knowing I'd be poor company. Problem solved, but I'm getting very very tired of these things coming up every day.

Good yoga class at the Y tonight though... the intent was to improve my psyche, but it turned out to the best thing yet for my creaky, marginal back.

A few photos of kids as we returned from the grand pickups today.


Katrina attempting to avoid the camera. What's up with that?!


They make a lot of sounds. The contrast tonight between Gabriel (who's singing "The Entertainer") and Katrina (who's having a typical meltdown until she gets her Mimi) is remarkable.

(Note that the way this bathroom is set up, it's very easy to whack someone who just got out of the bath with the door, hence Dave's admonishment to close the door, aimed towards rambunctious brothers.)

2/19/09

2/18/09 The Natural Order

I mentioned to Dave yesterday that I had to pull over on a fairly busy street in rush hour to switch the boys in the back of the car, since Katrina was screaming constantly from Julian bugging her. "Are you crazy?!" he said, "You let Julian ride next to Katrina?!"

Not today. Despite protests from Julian (as the middle seat is hotly contested), I insisted he ride on the side, and Gabriel climb over him to sit in the middle. Ahhh.. The contrast in peace reminds me of the zen state that motorcycle riders enter when hatches are battened down for a nice long ride -- earplugs in, sunglasses on, visor down, leathers all zipped up, full tank of gas, and it's just you and the sound of your engine and the wind to focus you on the scenery and the feel of the road, with your thoughts flowing and mind alive.

OK, OK, driving around with three children is still not exactly meditative, but the contrast was remarkable. What's that I hear? Oh! It's myself thinking!

Our little middleborn has been sort of a pain lately. Whiny, complaining, irritating. It's different than the family-freezing impasses that his siblings bring on; Julian isn't cut from the same cloth that Gabriel and Katrina are. In fact, I'll go on a small limb here and say that he's the most different one in the family -- a good thing, but it means that understanding him doesn't come as easily to us.

With Julian, when he's been acting out for a while, I do start to wonder if there's something in his life that's weighing on him. He says he doesn't like school, but he's never unhappy when I pick him up, he has lots of friends, doesn't get into trouble -- no low-hanging fruit there. It twangs my guilt strings ...maybe he needs more home time. Or more one-on-one Mom time.

I put off my endless evening tasks tonight when I found him playing with a marble game in his room, and sat with him and joined him. He wanted to build the marble ramps himself, but he was clearly glad I was there, so I just asked him questions and let him lead it. It was a nice time together, though I was aware it was on my terms and not his, and that's still not exactly what he needed. I wish we had more time together so that he can pick and choose our moments as he likes.

It strikes me again that in so many ways, they need me more now than they did as babies and toddlers. When they're all in school, I really hope I don't have to work. Babies need someone, but a 5-year-old really needs his mother. And father. Not so much his brother. And his sister definitely could do without him sometimes!

2/18/09

2/17/09 The Near Miss

Tonight I went to the jobsite house to check out the progress on the family room fireplace tile, since Dave thought there was a chance it was on its way toward being installed wrong. On the way there, I braced myself for another potential problem -- how will I handle this? I'm very, very weary of having to "get over" things. So many things aren't quite right, but are so permanent. At this point, I'm now doubting some very basic decisions we made over a year ago. Time, living in another house, and drastically different economic conditions have really changed my perspective.

I stepped onto the porch to look for packages -- and our feeble overhead porch light went on automatically. It never used to do that, but we had to attach it to a motion sensor to meet code, one of countless changes and expenses we've had no choice on. As a porch light, it was never enough, but as an automatic light to guide you up the steps, I found it welcoming, gentle, and perfect. We should have had something like this years ago.

Finally, a really nice surprise. And better yet, the family room fireplace tile was perfect too.

2/17/09

2/16/09 The Holiday

President's Day! Dave's company, Gabriel's school and daycare, and Julian's preschool, were all closed! I went to work, Katrina went to Tonya's, and it was up to the boys to fend for themselves today.

Being a shameless opportunist, I sent Dave on my daily remodeling errands....drop off stain samples, pick up a few overlooked plumbing items, deal with an underestimated amount of flooring material, the usual. So I got to go to work, and come home from work, directly -- no extra trips. Amazing...is this what it's like to be a grownup and a homeowner living at home?

Then again, usually my remodeling errands are done sans little boys. I talked to Dave briefly while he was at the plumbing store (yes, satin nickel please), and in the few seconds we spoke, I could hear Julian tattling in the background: "Gabriel touched my butt!" Dave said later that was preferable to his follow-up announcement to the whole (small) store: "GABRIEL SAID P-NIS!!" Ah, such open-minded observant children we're raising.

I was truly glad to see my little brood tonight, though very sorry I had to spend so much of my time dealing with dinner, cleanup, lunches, laundry, gathering things for tomorrow. And in the background weighs on me constantly: remodeling stuff as always, and now, taxes. I must get all taxes done before we move, or it'll turn into a major scramble with all our things in boxes right around deadline time. "All" means our personal taxes, my Dad's, and my corporation's, which has a dealine of March 15. This new world of corporate tax filing makes our personal taxes seem like a piece of cake!

But I did enjoy watching them all play together tonight. I continue to marvel at how different Katrina's 2-year-old life is than Gabriel's was. At her age, most of his play at home was done quietly on his own, though he was curious about his infant brother. Nothing quiet about Katrina's 2-year-old life, surrounded by two rambunctious brothers. That has to have an effect. Good or bad, we'll see.

Short, cute ending. Notice how Katrina yells at Gabriel when she feels threatened by his waving feet.


Longer, more of the same. Notice how Julian kisses her hand in the beginning. Another cute ending, when she wants to show me her Kitty-Kat.


Much of this silliness was for her benefit. Indeed, her life is ruled by having two older brothers, but she has a powerful effect on the dynamic too. Unwittingly, she takes pressure off the brothers' relationship, since Julian often wants to play when Gabriel wants to be left alone (age, personality). Katrina fills that gap -- often against her will!

Unfortunately, after another 40 minutes, Gabriel was still completely into his siren-sounds and mussing people's heads and was getting completely out of control, knocking things down and being incredibly annoying. Childhood play is one thing, but I'd had enough. I even spent 5 minutes standing outside in the cold and rain with him, pretending to show him something outside, just to try to break him out of it. No good. Finally an insisted-upon shower broke him out of it, but I had to brace myself for a major battle. That was OK. I had the energy for it, because I'd had a holiday. I think that was a good thing....

2/16/09