1/15/2010 Skate, Kung Fu, Soccer

A threefer! I took Katrina to her first skating lesson today, then Julian to Kung Fu, then Gabriel to sign up for spring soccer. He didn't get to play soccer, but it would have to do.

I only got photos of the skating class. Katrina was very very excited! (If not all that color-matched.)


I was prepared for the usual disorganization of classes at this rink, and was not disappointed. I thought at first it might be better when an instructor called out "Snowballs! Come here!" ("Snowball" is the 3-4 class).

But "Snowballs" can be pretty experienced, or completely brand-new as Katrina is. The instructor had to call for help from other instructors, who then told a group of kids, including Katrina, to start "march march" to the center. But a brand-new wall-hugger like Katrina can't do that yet.

Before I was able to push my way to the front of the crowd to intervene, the first instructor suggested they separate the brand-new kids from those who've taken a session or two. Geeee, ya think?? What is this, the first time you've run this class?

So Katrina got some help to the middle, and then they brought out the chairs.



To my relief, they didn't spend much time in the chairs, getting out of them to learn how to get up from all fours on the ice. I was very happy to see that Katrina could do this. She didn't need the chair to sort-of skate, actually.


It was still so chaotic that at one point, Katrina was off on her own, and then was whisked up by another teacher and stuck with the more advanced group. They were supposed to cross the ice to the wall, and Katrina tried carefully, but eventually did fall. Maybe after 8 classes she could, but that's a major delta in skill. She definitely didn't belong with this group.


The teacher of the brand-new group finally noticed her floundering on her own and put her back in the right group. Of the 15 kids in the brand-new group, about half still needed the chairs by the end, creating some roadblocks. I noticed that much of the time, Katrina was trying to skate and was stuck behind kids sitting in chairs, unable to get around.

This was a rare moment of freedom.


Despite all these challenges, Katrina seemed to enjoy and participate in the class. When the teacher asked the class to count, clap, or put their hands on their shoulders, she did it willingly. She paid close attention to the teacher and didn't seem at all rattled by all the setbacks that were increasingly irritating me. Some kids were crying or refusing to get out of the chairs, but despite never quite knowing what to do, being put in the wrong class, not being able to get through the crowd, she took it all really well.


One parent summoned one of the super-busy instructors, and I figured there must be something pretty urgent with her kid. Instead, the mother asked the instructor to make sure her son's legs were straight, so that he didn't injure his ankles. Good grief! Many other parents actively waved from the sidelines to get their childs' attention. Nothing like turning around or looking up suddenly to say hi to Mom when you're brand-new on ice skates.

When class was over, it was a mob scene. I was standing on a bench to get this photo, and since Katrina was one of the last off the ice, I had the luxury of waiting until this cleared a little. But it didn't. It was really, really hard to work her through the crowd to the benches to de-skate her.


I really, really wish there were a closer skating rink that had some semblance of knowing how to run a business. How about online registration, instead of forcing parents to cram into a tiny retail store and compete with people buying things for the fleeting attention of the teenagers running it in order to sign up for a class? How about some barriers to separate getting-on-ice from getting-off-ice traffic? How about some signs telling parents where each class is?

I'm very torn, I'm not sure we'll continue next week. The only good thing I have to say is that Katrina was very excited, she was pretty resilient about an overall crummy situation, and she did learn to get up herself if she falls.

On the way back from skating, on impulse, I put her in Julian's booster seat. I was surprised -- she fits really well!


After skating, I took the boys to their respective activities. Julian at first said he didn't want to go to kung fu today, but he had a good time. They're working on cartwheels! This is a rare chance for me to impress my son, since I can still do cartwheels. I promised him we'd practice cartwheels tomorrow.

Spring soccer for Gabriel will be tough -- two practices a week, and they could start as early as 3:30 in the afternoon. The soccer league tries to group teams by school and organize carpools, which could help with that. They also request that every parent volunteer for some position; this will be exceptionally tough for me. But I want to find a way of making this happen.

I spent the rest of the day resting and watching travel shows on PBS (I want to go to Berlin now!). I have a rare head cold and a lot of fatigue, and I'm just waiting for the cold to travel down to its usual resting spot, deep in my chest. What a waste of an afternoon, I have SO much to do! But at least everyone else got something.

1/15/2010

1/14/2011 School office

Today was a real mind-blower.

We had an early meeting with every teacher Gabriel's had (kinder, 1st, 2nd+3rd), Julian's teacher and the principal. This was a "Student Success Team" meeting to review Gabriel's strengths and weaknesses and discuss strategies to increase his "success." This was originally conceived to address behavior issues, but his behavior has overall been better recently, so we also talked about his so-so school performance.

Perhaps the most striking thing was Gabriel's teacher telling us that in visits by the school speech therapist and psychologist for other kids in her class, they also noticed Gabriel. His humming attracted the attention of the psychologist, and the speech therapist noted issues in "social pragmatics." That's a new term to me, but it's related to his not responding in conversation to feedback from whoever he's talking to. Or he'll do something to another kid that is playfully obnoxious and not stop when all social indicators are to stop.

Transitions are always an issue; once he gets focused on something it's hard to redirect him. He also assumes he understands everything, so doesn't listen to the teacher and sometimes misses important instructions.

He also doesn't seem to have many specific friends -- there's always Parth, but Parth always seeks Gabriel out. Gabriel joins groups if there's an activity he wants to do, but not just to hang out. And, all his teachers noted, he's never seemed concerned about having or not having friends. It's not clear if this is a problem or not.

( Meantime, tonight, Mr. Super-Uber Tough Cookie bawled his eyes out for over an hour when he thought a balloon he's been playing with all day had been popped. A balloon. )

A strength that Gabriel's teacher brought up is athleticism. She said he's really good in P.E. and is the fastest kid in the class. I was really surprised, actually. I know he's strong and agile, but I thought that's just how 9-year-old boys are. This is what spurred me to sign him up for soccer, which he was very happy about.

The principal added politely that he'd met Gabriel, and I sheepishly said, "yes, in the 4th week of school he was sent to your office." I added, "Let me guess, he wasn't intimidated by authority?" The principal answered apologetically, "well, no..." while all the teachers in the room who do know him cracked up.

In a different time or place, he'd just be an ordinary troublemaker. But it was useful for us, and everyone else, to confirm things like his athletic strength, or that his music teachers have noticed him (apparently a new teacher played what she said was a note C, and Gabriel raised his hand and said, "no, that's a C-sharp," and he was right), or how consistently difficult it is to guide him. Even the principal said, "It doesn't seem like any of the usual measures work with him." Indeed. The hallmark of living with Gabriel.

The outcome of our meeting was to bring all this information to the school psychologist and meet with her. The principal even asked if he's in counseling or therapy, which it sounded like he needs to be, but I'm still not exactly sure for what, or how to tell when he's "better."

We left 20 minutes before the school office opened for kindergarten registration packet pickup. A big day! I asked if by any chance I could pick up our kindergarten packet now, since I was already in the office, so I didn't have to miss more work to come back. The district has a "sibling priority" policy this year, so I'm not really cutting line. "Absolutely not," said the school admin, overriding the principal, "That wouldn't be fair to the people who've been waiting."

And indeed, this was the line at 7:40 when we arrived for our meeting that morning. The admin said this line started forming at 9pm last night.


But if we already have priority because of siblings in the school, it's not unfair to those waiting either -- we're drawn from a different pool anyway. "Fine, then give us a high-numbered packet," Dave said. But she was adament: "No, they're numbered, I can only give them out in order, and not until 9am."

Later we heard that there were parents who already have kids in our school on that long line, under the impression that our school was not adhering to the new "sibling priority" policy. Dave called the district to complain, and they called our school to straighten out the administrator, who then took me aside when she noticed me picking up our kindergarten stuff at 10:30 (no line!). She insisted defensively that she was following the protocol, but I wasn't able to persuade her that "you must wait in line to get your priority number" contradicts "sibling priority."

What an astounding hassle. It overshadowed our most remarkable experience of being in a room with every teacher Gabriel has ever had, and realizing that most parents never need to do that, and that our son is something of a special case. For the most part, our experience with him is normal (not including those extraordinarily difficult toddler years), despite some extremes (impossible conflicts, playing with electronics for hours on end). It's hard to know if we're in denial or if we're just among such a well-behaved demographic that Gabriel stands out. Gabriel's teacher kindly assuaged my working-parent guilt that lack of time together contributes to his issues, but she said laughing, "No, you really do have a difficult one!" That made me feel better.

I was glad Julian's teacher was there. She was there as a note-taker, but I think all this gave her a really really good picture of Julian's life. She already knew that Julian's older brother was a big presence and huge influence, but hearing about him from all his teachers formed a complete picture. I do try for Julian not to be lost in the fray, so I was glad his teacher heard first-hand what he's up against.

Everyone agreed that next year, the boys' classrooms should be as far apart as possible. I'm confident the principal will think carefully about which teacher will best suit Gabriel for 4th grade, when class size jumps to 30. And while they may all dread another Doudna child at this school, I'm looking forward to some redemption when Katrina starts kindergarten!

1/14/2011

1/14/2011 Soap!

It's been an eventful day in many ways, so this is hardly the biggest event, but, it's the most immediate.

The boys and Dave and I were wrapping up dinner, chatting about what to do for Gabriel's birthday party. Katrina had excused herself and gone upstairs about 10 minutes before.

Suddenly we heard a screeching wail from upstairs. Katrina was screaming crying about something, and kept doing it. It was an alarming sound, and kept escalating. Dave and I rushed upstairs, with the boys close on our heels.

And there was Katrina in the bath, surrounded by bubbles and with the water running over her head, screeching. She'd gotten undressed and started her own bath, and then took the kid-safe shampoo and dumped it on her head and attempted to wash her hair! But she put far too much shampoo on, and enough of it got in her eyes that she panicked and started screaming.

Usually when she goes upstairs she just plays around, so we had no idea she'd taken it upon herself to start her own bath -- with disastrous consequences! As I type, she's still crying on and off. I have to give her credit for independence though!

1/14/2011

1/13/2011 Hard work

Whew -- I worked late tonight, I'm feeling a cold coming on (which always travels down into my lungs), and we have a 7:45 meeting with the principal of the school tomorrow. Good night!

1/12/11 CCC!

Coffee, Cheesecake, Chatter! I love every other Wednesday night.

1/12/11

1/11/11 Extra work

Discussion continued on at work today about the controversial article Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior. The vast majority of people I work with were raised within some form of the author's philosophy, so it makes for very interesting discussion.

It occurred to me in discussion that I'm one of the very very few engineers at work who doesn't speak another language fluently (I can only think of one other). Most are foreign-born, including one of the 3 other Caucasians. At least 3 coworkers I know of had arranged marriages (all men), probably more. Other coworkers escaped arranged marriages only by one generation. So, many things that seem foreign or outdated to most Americans are very familiar to the vast majority of people I am surrounded by every day.

Anyway, overall, feelings are very very negative about Amy Chua's harsh style -- no one liked it, but most Asian-raised coworkers relate to it. An interesting comment on the online WSJ version of the article said that Chinese kids complain privately about their parents as they're being raised, but then go and raise their own kids the same way.

My Korean coworker astutely observed that this is probably why me and my (rare) American-raised coworker have a harder time with our Middle-Eastern-raised authoritative management. It also made me realize just what Dave and I are up against when we complain to our school about too much work. Crafting a Heritage Doll is in the noise to the Indian and Asian-raised parents. (That said, the school itself promotes a "positive" philosophy about incenting kids to behave, which ironically rankles us.)

So much is wrong to me with Chua's child-raising philosophy that it's barely worth enumerating. I see no benefit to insulting or berating children, even if they know they're loved; nor to them having no social life, choices, or fun of their choosing. I see great harm and countless missed opportunities in choosing their activities for them or forbidding unstructured time. While I'm inclined, to some extent, to agree that Western parents fret too much about their children's self-esteem or a close relationship, I think children having warm childhood memories isn't just about parental ego: it's important to the children through their adulthood too. And I see no reason to sacrifice that for "achievement," whatever that is.

In fact, it was amusing talking today about my lax high-school education, the freedom I had and abused, and how I regretted later that no one had the time to participate more in my schooling. What a drastic difference from my Asian-raised coworkers -- my Korean coworker had to stay at school until 10pm and only got 1 week off for summer "vacation" -- yet here we are in the same sorts of jobs. (However I must clarify that she is far, far more qualified, experienced, capable and educated than I am!!) Somehow we all got there, but with very very different routes. I don't recommend either.

What possible detriment to "achievement" do happy warm fun silly childlike experiences present? Those moments are irreplaceable -- not even by performing at Carnegie Hall. I want my children have warm fond memories of their childhood, and of me, for their sake -- even if those memories have to bubble through additional memories of me insisting they do extra work to make up for sloppiness.

And that started today. I decided Gabriel had to do the practice sheet that is always stapled to his math tests, thinking about my Chinese coworker's comment that sloppiness usually indicates a need for more practice. In fact, I felt newly silly -- why haven't we insisted on this every week?

Then Julian announced loudly and rudely that he'd done enough homework yesterday and didn't need to do any more tonight. I decided on a new rule on the spot: as long as he has homework to finish, he had to do it, even if it is only Tuesday.

After my horrendous conflict with Gabriel last night (aren't kids supposed to cry when their mean nasty mother puts them on the porch in only thin pajamas in 44-degree weather??!?), Julian was no match for me. I insisted -- channeling Amy Chua again -- that he go upstairs and finish his homework. This isn't just philosophy; in practice he leaves the time-consuming parts for Thursday nights, and we end up having a big struggle that night. No more.

Then, at 6:15pm, it struck me. Julian was upstairs working on finishing his homework. Gabriel was, without argument, working on his practice sheet. Katrina was shouting songs to herself in her room. It was more peaceful than it's been at homework time in weeks. I know this magic won't last, but I relished the moment anyway. Could this be a direct result of my new inspiration?

Probably. In fact, Gabriel wasn't working on his work that peacefully at first -- this is Gabriel after all. He'd said he wasn't going to finish his math homework, and threatened to tear it up. Amy Chua's daughter tore up a music score that she resisted working on, then her mother taped it back together and laminated it so that she couldn't tear it up again, and insisted again that she sit down to the piano and work on it. Wow. Major.

So if Mrs-Extreme could go that far, I could at least take a first step. And I did. I told Gabriel if he tore up his math homework, I'd tape it together, laminate it, and he'd still have to do it. Incredibly, Uber Tough Cookie backed down and finished his homework. I'd started forming a plan in my head to run to Michael's to get a laminating machine -- that thought must have come through in my voice when I told him he had to finish.

I definitely don't want any readers to think I condone Amy Chua's methods or conclusions. I have a much broader view of "success" in life, and have never believed it could be measured with academic achievement alone. And if I'd never had a Gabriel, I'd probably be a complete Positive-Parenting advocate and would write Amy Chua off as a nut case. But in many ways, "positive parenting" failed me with my extra-tough kid, and I do draw inspiration from someone willing to stand up to extreme child resistance, even if she created it herself with, in my opinion, unreasonable and destructive demands.

I want to do better than her (I can't wait to see the memorial book written by her kids) -- I want my boys to love me and take happy funny memories of ski trips and camping and air shows with Mom to their graves. I want them to leave home truly ready to face the world on their own, with confidence and independence and resilience and social skills and athletic skills and an open mind.

And some part of that needs to be because of Mom and Dad's insistence on their best work. Amy Chua would call that "believing" in them. I would agree with that to a limited extent, but will set my expectations and "beliefs" more fairly and constructively, at least in my Inferior Western Mother view. I'm not going to turn into a parent with the same level of expectations she has, nor willing to make that level of scarifice (who has the time?!), but she does give me a much-needed poke to stand up to my resistant sons, and to the notion that the only approach is praise and encouragement and incentives to get kids to do their best.

Gabriel came home today with two perfect math practice tests, first time ever. He said, "I wrote it better only because you insisted."

1/11/11

1/10/11 Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

Yesterday this article in the Wall Street Journal (we're print subscribers) caught our attention, starting with the brash headline and the in-your-face expression of the author: Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.

Dave was mostly put off by the article, but I was very intrigued at the author's confidence and conviction and fortitude. She knows she'll be lambasted for her methods -- the story about berating her 7-year-old daughter and forcing her to work for days until she was able to master a piano piece is chilling -- yet she's unshakeable. Why can't I have that kind of self-assurance?

But the discussion of this article had even more impact on our boys. Gabriel in particular was horrified to hear that an A- grade was not accepted. "What if you just get something wrong?!" he asked. I took some sick pleasure in telling the boys that a Chinese mother would respond to their rudeness and saying No very very differently: "You'd be sleeping on the porch if you talked to a Chinese mother the way you talk to me!"

Today at work, I had a very interesting discussion with 2 coworkers and my manager, all of whom were raised in Asia (China, Korea and Singapore) by Asian parents. My closest coworker from Korea said she had to stay at school until 10pm. My manager said absolutely he was raised that way, but no one considered it cruel, it was just the way it was. He added that it depends on the kid; the article author is a little extreme, but certainly he and his wife have a much higher standard for their children than Western parents. He also pointed out that the suicide rate for Japanese and Korean teenagers is very high, and that many kids flounder in college when they're on their own for the first time. My two female coworkers said they don't want to raise their daughters that way at all; my manager has two sons (and a full-time mom wife who has the time to implement the tougher rules) and says they walk a cliff; they push their sons as far as possible without pushing them over the edge.

I have no interest in forcing the kids to play violin or forbidding playdates, but it did get me thinking about Gabriel's schoolwork. He had to take a math test again after the holidays, because he'd done so poorly on something of a mid-term exam before the holidays. His teacher explained that kids who'd gotten a 3 or less (out of 6) were re-tested, and that Gabriel knows the material but he can't read his own handwriting. When we talk to Gabriel about his sloppy homework and middling math grades, he retorts that it's stupid and he doesn't care.

Superior Chinese Mother never had a force like Gabriel to reckon with, but there's something to her conviction. Most of the discussion we have with Gabriel's teachers, school and CDC, surround a "positive" approach and rewarding him and giving him incentives. Some of that, especially regarding baseline cooperative behavior in school, has always made Dave and I uncomfortable -- why should he get a special reward just for meeting a basic expectation, like coming in to class after recess without causing trouble? And some of it just plain doesn't work -- there is no incentive to persuade him that he must take more care with his work.

I talked to my mother about this on the way back from work today, and she suggested getting a 5th-grader or someone to review his homework. This got me thinking. A hired tutor is more logistically possible and will have more authority over Gabriel (a 5th-grader has no prayer against Gabriel). But one way or another, we need more help.

While picking up the boys, I talked to the CDC director about the logistics of bringing a tutor in after school, and we'll talk to the principal about it Friday, at a meeting that's been scheduled for weeks to review his behavior issues. Ironically, his behavior at school and CDC has been much better in recent weeks, so our meeting Friday will refocus toward schoolwork.

I was inspired.

I told Gabriel on the way home tonight that sloppy work is no longer acceptable. I told him he now has to get at least a 5 out of 6 on his math tests, and that we will hire a tutor for him if he doesn't. I am serious. Superior Chinese Mother would say always a 6, but Inferior Western Mother has done little more than glance at his mistakes and tell him not to handicap himself with carelessnes. His firm "yeah this is stupid" attitude will only get entrenched if we don't tackle it head-on now. If he truly didn't have the aptitude for math, I'd approach this differently, but actually that would be an easier problem to address. Not giving a sh*t is a much harder one.

So boy, was he surprised tonight when Dave and I reviewed his homework line-by-line, and two past math tests. Dave made him redo every problem he got wrong, and explain his reasoning. As we expected, all his mistakes are because he's careless and sloppy and makes assumptions. One of my Chinese-raised coworkers said today that when a kid is sloppy, that means he needs more practice. She is absolutely right, and Gabriel is going to get that.

However, Superior Chinese Mother is a Yale Law professor, and probably didn't have the problem of an adorable 4-year-old girl completely distracting her sons when they get home and have to do their work. I wanted to review Gabriel's test when I got home, but realized I was already tracking very late for dinner and I had no choice but to set his work aside until Dave got home.

I asked myself briefly if I was overemphasizing homework -- the granola-y schools are nothing like that -- but no, Gabriel's awful attitude is a problem in class as well as at home. And it's only going to get worse as he gets older. His personality and will is much much too strong to let this go.

Just to give an example what we're up against: tonight after lights-out, Gabriel kept messing around and making noise, keeping Julian awake. Dave warned him, then started taking things away. Gabriel being Gabriel, this only caused escalation -- he was furious and started screaming at the top of his lungs. This gave Julian an excuse to get out of bed.

I went up to his room and without a word, took his wrist and led him outside, where I made him sit on the porch in his pajamas. That's a rule around here: screaming gets you sent outside. I had to do that last night too, and like tonight, it was cold, about 45 degrees. So much for that "and he never did it again...."

I left him outside for about 2 minutes, then opened the door and asked him, "Are you ready to be quiet now?" He was huddling on the bench, and had pulled his PJs down around his feet and hands. He glared at me and said through clenched teeth, "OF COURSE NOT." I closed the door without a word.

After another 2 minutes, I pulled him in and brought him upstairs. At his bedroom door, I motioned him to go in his room, and told him to go to bed without saying a word. He stood and stared at me, icicles shooting from his eyes. I lowered my face to his and said in the most menacing tone I have, "YOU GET IN THERE *NOW*." He stood his ground. I told him he'd spend a solid 5 minutes outside in the cold if he wasn't in bed by the count of 10. He didn't move.

Outside it was again. I put him on the porch (secretly relieved that he cooperated with this step) and went to my car. "Where are you going?" he demanded. I was just going into my car to check its outdoor temperature reading, but his question gave me an idea: driving away might freak him out more than anything. So I did. I started my car, and drove away. It was 44 degrees.

I drove around the block, about 2 minutes. To a Chinese mom, I was being too easy on him. To a Western mom, this is child abuse.

When I returned, I motioned him to go inside and told him to once again, go straight to bed without saying a word. "What, did you just drive around the block?" he demanded, not at all nonplussed. I led him all the way to his bed and told him to climb up right now.

And he resisted again. I told him taking him outside was taking up too much time, now I was just going to start spanking. He held his ground for a moment, then climbed up while still glaring at me in the eyes, then sat on the edge of the bed. I told him to get all the way up, he refused.

What would Superior Chinese Mom do? Climb up to a top bunk bed and chase a defiant almost 9-year-old on her hands and knees? Probably. I started to, but he rushed away, and I left quickly before he had a chance to escalate. He's really getting too old and too fast to be chasing.

Experience reminds me that this will all be forgotten tomorrow. But I'm not forgetting about coming down much harder on his schoolwork. I regretted for years that I didn't have more pushing when I was a scatterbrained boy-crazy teenager. My working mother didn't have the time, my divorced father didn't have the interest, and the post-hippie-era culture didn't support it. I struggled with feelings -- and grades -- of academic inferiority, and it wasn't until graduate school that I unlocked my door: I need a lot of repetition and practice for things to sink in. Not that I wish I'd been raised by Superior Chinese Mother, not by any means, but I would have benefitted greatly from more attention.

So I can thank Superior Chinese Mother for some very interesting discussions today, some feelings of superiority of my own, and new gumption to stand up to my iron-willed son. Maybe someday he'll thank her too.

1/10/2011

1/9/2011 The poignancy of children

I remember once being at an airport with my father. I can't imagine the occasion; I don't ever remember flying together when I was a kid. Maybe I was picking him up when he was visiting.

In any case, as we were waiting for baggage claim, he observed a young boy, probably about 4 years old, staring at the carousel. My father looked at him for a moment, and said with his characteristic observation of the ordinary, "Look at that poignant expression on that child's face."

I looked. "I don't know Dad, I think he's just spacing out." The kid looked pretty blank to me. But my father saw depth in his face.

People often cite how insightful children are in their innocence -- "out of the mouth of babes." And for certain, they are full of surprising comments, which can easily be taken for a refreshing, unadulterated view of the world.

But if you had any doubt as to the meaningfulness of vast majority of what goes through a child's mind, look no further than this gmail exchange between Gabriel to Julian.

Gabriel:
Hi, J-Fart. |
Guess what? V
J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk,
idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot,
moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%.
J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%.
J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%.
J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%. J=Jerk, idiot, moron, and 0%.

Julian:
hi Gabriel.Guess what?You fart 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,888,888,888,888,888,888,888,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 times!!!!!!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!YOU JUST LEARNED YOUR ABCS!!!!!!!ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYandZ!!!!!!!

yYOu You look like a princess and you smell like some poo!!!!G=JERK!!!!!SUCKER!!!SUCKER!!!SUCKER!!!SUCKER!!!

Yeah, they're deep all right.

Julian is very excited about his new kids-cookbook from grandparents. Today we made "eggs in a frame" for his breakfast, substituting a heart-shaped cookie-cutter for an upside-down glass to cut out the bread. He loved it! He also got some real cooking experience: two burns. Not easy to handle a frying pan when you're so short.


Later we tried on some new snow stuff for Katrina. Her pink-flowered base layer, and another pair of snowpants, that are labeled size 3T but are longer than the 4T pair she wore tubing (and match the jacket)


Katrina was very thorough in testing out all her gear, so she was very overdressed for playing outside. "Mommy, take me to the snow!!"


Gabriel posted another Timmy The Total Jerk comic today, after spending a solid hour and a half re-drawing and tracing it to make it darker. Maybe his new comic-strip artist side will finally persuade him that legible handwriting has its place after all!

1/9/2011

1/8/2011 Silliness

Katrina loves these dress-up dresses from Cousin Remi! She puts them on over regular clothes (?!) and wears them all day.


She also loves chasing her brother around endlessly with her revived "Mimi." Katrina and Julian play like this together a lot. I'm sure it's a relief for Julian after the much rougher playing he does with Gabriel.


They sure do love each other.

1/8/2011

1/7/2011 The emailer and blogger

This morning, I happened to catch a glance of the latest paper Gabriel's been carrying around, pencil in hand. He does this a lot: finds some or other writing project, usually an electronics schematic, and carries the paper with him everywhere.

This morning I noticed it was a comic strip, and looked at it in a little more detail. I was taken aback -- it's really pretty cute! Dave reads the comics every day, so the kids are hooked on them too, and Gabriel has adopted many common comic methods and drawing styles. "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" likely provides inspiration too. This is an interesting, unexpected thing for my committed non-artist!

So I was telling Gabriel in the car on the way home that he should post a comic every day, like on a Web site...no wait, a blog. Hey, he should start a blog! This discussion led to Julian really, really, really wanting an email account. Well, why not?

So I told the boys that after they'd put their things away when we got home, that we'd start an email account for Julian, and a blog for Gabriel.

Julian was very, very motivated. He really wanted to do this. I noticed with bemusement that for Julian, it's about the communication and reaching out to people. For Gabriel, when we first set up his long-forgotten email, it was more about the technical: typing things in, clicking buttons, seeing things work.

So I helped Julian set up a gmail account (no mean feat these days; they're not intended for kids and I had to fudge his birthday, then gmail requires sending a text message with a confirmation number), and a list of contacts, and then I showed him how to send email. He giggled a lot at first, feeling on the spot with what to say, but he got over that fast, and then started pouring out the messages. I lost track of who he sent to, but he tried to send a message to every contact I set up for him. His big limitation is being a very very slow typist.

Then it was Gabriel's turn. Mostly, he wanted to show off his comic strip. So I helped him set up a simple blog, scanned his latest comic artwork, and talked him through his first post. He had a hard time thinking of a title and URL for his blog that wasn't taken, but Julian had a great idea: The Days of Gabe.

Our time at home on weekdays is very limited, so I doubt there will be much time for them to update blogs or check email -- they're still very very slow at it. And they have a 7:30 upstairs-for-bath time. And, we're pretty stingy about computer time in general; they don't have free access to it and it must be asked for and earned. Still, electronic communication is inevitable in their lives. I project my own delight at receiving an email from my nephew onto our hapless family members, some of whom got one-liner emails today, written with the typical curtness of children, but with much laughing and giggling and joy behind them.

And to think I once thought my children would think I was ancient for growing up without ATM machines -- try computers and smartphones and email and blogs!

1/7/2011

1/6/2011 A night for myself

Odd day.

I got to work as early as I could, which still wasn't early enough, about 7:50. Worked hard, fought extreme exhaustion and sleepiness and headachiness all day. As much as I like starting work early, a short nap in the late mornig would make ALL the difference in clearing my head and letting me think straight for the rest of the day.

I rarely go out to lunch, but I'd won a bet with a coworker and he was paying up! Two others joined us and we chatted about grownup things like financial markets and what motivates business executives and politicians. It's always enjoyable to have this broader social contact.

Still, I was so tired I was wondering how I'd meet my goal for the night: to start a skating class session! In some ways being SO tired means I MUST make the class, because the class is what's kept me going all day. So I left work on time, was very efficient in picking kids up, getting dinner started, homework, lunches made...and made it out to the 7pm class on time.

But what a disappointment the class was!! What class? It was a set of loosely grouped people of a wide range of skills, and no clear *class*. I finally interrupted an instructor who was teaching things that sort of looked like what I'd do, and asked her how this works. So she gave me a short evaluation, a few minutes of suggestions, then off she went to the next class member. Some of those were doing jumps and spins, way WAY ahead of me. What happened to an actual *class* with an actual *exercise*, that we all do together, and the teacher gives little corrections to all members of the class as you go along? Not 3 minutes of specifics then they're gone, that's not a class. Plus the other "classes" were mingling right into our practice area, which I find annoying too. It was really all too loosey-goosey. That was disappointing. Fortunately it was a free trial class and I didn't pay for it.

Still, the few minutes of instruction I did get were useful, and it makes me want to take classes again. I just can't waste my ultra-valuable time on a disorganized group lesson, so I signed up to inquire about private lessons. I assume they're more flexible in scheduling and more bang-for-buck in time and cost. I've gone way backward from where I was when I'd taken the real classes -- at the steep point on the learning curve that I'm on, I'm bound to slide back very quickly!

It occurred to me that what I really want to do is take dance. That's been true ALL my life, since when my first Halloween costume was a tutu my mother made. But I did take class for many many years, when my life lent itself better to evening classes 3-4 times a week. Still, someday, somehow, I will tearfully joyfully rejoin the dance world again -- creakier and stiffer, but I was never very flexible or graceful to begin with anyway.

Skiing all seems so crude my comparison -- maybe that's why it appeals to me so much now. It's more a sport and less an art than dance or skating, and maybe I just need some of that. (2 more weeks to our ski trip, I can't wait!)

My brief reunion with skating tonight was uplifting anyway. Little things like that add extra time load, but it helps bring this life a little more into balance.

1/6/2011

1/5/2010 Taking care of self

I had a dentist appointment this morning, so after dropping kids off, I took advantage of the time before and after to run some errands that feel SO good to get off my back. Then I took care of some things at home (including the most important -- a nap), then went to my regular weights class.

After that, I was really ready to work, and had a very productive afternoon, even though it was short. I love days when I feel fulfilled and optimistic and like I can handle life after all. Having some flexibility in the morning, getting a few nagging items out of the way, a nap, some exercise, then going to work and being intensely productive and able to concentrate, not slogging through exhausted, is great. This is the way it should be! It's not, but it should be.

Maybe I need more dentist's appointments.

Kids pretty good today. Boys taking to my new additional "work" item for them: emptying their lunches when they get home, not just putting them on the counter. We had some banana bread magic still lingering to keep them cool during dinner, mostly.

The clues are presenting themselves...I just need to decode them now!

ALERT to Doudna Kid Calendar fans: that IS coming! I'm working on it, but haven't had a big gush of inspiration and time coincide to make it happen. Sorry it wasn't ready before the new year!

1/5/2010

1/4/2010 An unusually good day

I tossed and turned all night last night, anxious and fretful. I even got up around 3:30am to check Web sites for hockey classes, soccer organizations and skating lessons. I knew I'd be wasted today at work, and more disheartened than ever at my inability to balance all aspects of my life.

Despite my exhaustion, I have a rare new project to work on, that is off Mr. Horrible's radar. This learning is great fun, and it feels good to have a chance to prove myself and to interact with my most worthy coworkers (instead of doing busywork that isn't important to anyone). I'd committed to going running at lunch with a coworker, which I've learned is essential to giving me energy on an especially tired day.

After picking up the boys, I thought to ask Gabriel if he'd finished his homework, and he launched into his usual eye-rolling and defensiveness -- but he had. I told him that if he had, maybe we could make some banana bread together. He'd made me feel very guilty yesterday when I told him maybe we could do it this weekend, and he said, "you always say that Mom, and it never happens."

So, we made it happen. While I was making dinner and doing some baking of my own, he used a recipe in his class recipe book, a book that his teacher had pulled together from favorite family recipes of each kid in the class. Another kid had submitted banana bread as well as Gabriel, so I suggested we try the other kid's recipe.

I stayed almost completely hands-off, talking Gabriel through every step. For things he couldn't reach, or things that are too heavy to handle, I helped him, but that was only a few times. He got out all the ingredients, bowls and cups; he did all the measuring and mixing -- and of course, smushing the bananas in a bag. Kids are very very slow workers, so it took pretty much all night, but he was dedicated to the task.

And what a difference in the evening!! When I picked the boys up, Gabriel was clearly on track to spend most of the night pestering his siblings, so this completely neutralized a very toxic element. Julian had no one to ignite his formidable potential for obnoxiousness, so spent much time quietly reading alone. Katrina indulged in her usual favorite activity: playing, talking aloud, making up her little stories, without being bothered in her room with her door closed. Ang Gabriel clearly relished the attention and alone time, as did I. It was still hectic (I didn't even get any photos!!), and made for a very late evening -- no head-start on lunch-making, and Dave and I weren't done with everything until 9:30 -- but it was overall so so much more peaceful and enjoyable.

Of course, I know that spending "quality time" with kids always improves their outlooks, and mine, but the life of a working parent doesn't always allow that. And the life of a working parent whose kids attend Collins and have an inordinate amount of extra project time especially doesn't allow that. But when somehow, the energy and time can be found, the payoff is huge.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight instead of searching for guilt alleviators in the middle of the night.

1/4/2010

1/3/2010 First day of school

I was thinking that maybe, I was just complaining too much about school. Many of my friends handle far far more than I do, after all. Maybe I was blowing it out of proportion, and I was just being overwhelmed by projects around the holidays and chronic disorganization. The new year would certainly bring improvements.

Nope. It's just as much of a pain in the ass now.

Actually, I do have additional insight as to why, though it's nothing new. The challenges of picking up kids, walking in the door and getting everyone settled, making dinner, cleaning up lunches, dealing with homework and all that are very real, but it's all made much much more difficult by how rude and resistant the boys are.

Every step of the way, they have to be pushed, reminded, threatened. Just getting them out of the car, inside, jackets and knapsacks hung up, hands washed, lunch put away, is a tremendous effort. It can take 20 minutes just for this baseline state, with reminders turning to threats for absolutely every step.

Katrina, on the other hand, overall is very cooperative. She might get distracted and lose her way, she might leave her lunch on the porch, she might forget to hang up her jacket, but all it takes is a reminder or two, and she cheerfully does it. If they were all like this -- putzy, forgetful, needing reminders, even every day, it would be SO much easier. But the boys are relentlessly rude and defiant.

"I don't HAVE TO!"
"It's a FREE COUNTRY!"
"I'm not GOING to school tomorrow, WHO CARES about homework!"
"Oh PLEASE MOOOOMMMM, I KNOWWWWWW!
"What are you, STUPID?! Why do you keep TELLING ME!"
"It's MY LIFE and I'll live it HOWEVER I WANT!"
"Stop ORDERING ME AROUND!"
"Fine then I'll take YOUR dessert away!"
"EEEIEIEEIEEEEEEE!!!! Why do I have to do ALL THIS WORK!!!!!!!"
"Why don't YOU do it!"

That's before we even get into the house.

Then if I implement a consequence -- Julian lost dessert for not coming to the table after being told numerous times, then running down a countdown -- I've lost my leverage and they're even worse until bedtime. Julian got sent out to sit on the porch bench twice during dinner for rudeness ("Who's the STUPIDEST one in the family? DAD!").

Oh JOY. This is such a FUN LIFE. "You signed up for it," you might think. No. No one signs up for this part of child-raising. It just tags along, like a burrs on your socks that you can't pick off.

I took this video of Katrina because she was reading this "Zelda and Ivy" book so well. She reads aloud, but she is really truly reading now, and I'm super proud of her. And happy for her, she loves it.

However, that's not why I'm posting the video -- you really can't make out her words, but her reaction when she notices the camera is pretty funny.


She can be plenty defiant too -- of course she has great role models, but she's the only one who flat-out answers with a straight "NO!" and an evil glare (Gabriel's great at those too). Tonight she too threw a fit around dinnertime and we had a struggle, but she's much much easier to distract out of it.

Still I can't help to wonder how different -- ok, easier -- our lives would be in this phase if we had girls. And to think, I'm told the hardest years are the teenage ones.

1/3/2010

1/2/2011 The dog days of school

I don't think I've ever been bluer about a back-to-school night than this one. WAAAH!! Does it HAVE to be over?! WAAHHH whiiiiiiinnneee WAAAAHHHH.

We got all the indoor Christmas stuff put away, cleaned up the craft table to prepare for the onslaught of homework, got most laundry done, and -- once again -- ugh! -- lunches made. I HATE doing that! So we're ready, but emotionally I'm so not ready for school to start. The absence of school last week really pointed to what made my holiday season so, so stressful. Letters are coming, something really has to change.

Thanks to a birthday party that the boys were at much of the afternoon, we had a relatively peaceful day. I'd better go bask in that relaxed feeling while it lasts, because at 7am tomorrow, the race begins anew. Happy new year indeed.

1/2/2011

1/1/2010 A New Year

Our biggest event of New Year's Eve was finally starting to night-train Katrina. Whoopee!

She took to the idea OK, but the bigger problem was for us remembering what to do. Finally I found some bedpads we'd had for the boys, and we also remembered that we have to wake her up to go.

She did pretty well overall. At 3am she was a little damp, but no more than she is during the day (she has a "leaking" problem). In the morning, same thing, but nothing totally soaked.

Tonight she threw a major tantrum about not having a pull-up, crying that without one, she might wet her underpants. I finally calmed her down by suggesting she go to bed without underpants (just PJs), and promised (falsely) that we'd find a pull-up if her PJs got wet.

She's cooperative about going when we wake her up at least, if we even really wake her up. This was hard with Gabriel, because he wouldn't wake up enough to get himself to go, and would stand in front of the toilet wavering so much he'd almost fall over. At least girls get to sit!

Today I welcomed the new year by welcoming it as late as possible. I slept until 11:30am. Eleven-thirty!!! I LOVED it. Then didn't get out of bed until 12:30, after watching cooking shows with Julian. Then in the afternoon, I took a nap. This is just what I need to detox from being completely exhausted all the time. Last week, without the kids in school, I actually got to work even earlier -- around 7:30 -- but I paid dearly for it by being wasted all day long.

One goal I have with this long weekend is to get our winter stuff straightened out once and for all -- fill in all the missing gaps! It's amazing just how much stuff is needed, how difficult it is to find in one place, and how difficult it is to find at all. We're already past peak season for buying winter gear, and a lot of stores and online catalogs are out of certain sizes. I must remember to do this shopping in August next year if need be.

In fact, if anyone needs any swimwear, I'd better get on it now!

One more day of blissful weekend/holiday/vacation...then the grind starts again for real.

1/1/2010

12/30/2010 The Holiday Week

And so ends by far my easiest, most productive, least stressful work week yet. This was not because of work itself, but rather, because of no school.

Funny, two full-time moms I've talked to found the holidays more stressful than regular times. And no wonder, holidays with family interactions and so much to do, are stressful. But the particular combination that makes up my life -- our school's excess projects, multiple pickups, having two boys completely out of control when we get home, my standards for lunch (no school lunch and no packaged lunches), and not having any extra family support at home -- makes holidays a true break. Dare I say, even a vacation.

We got a lot done too, not the least of which was signing closing papers on our refinance today. 4.375%, yay! This will lower our monthly payments by over $400. We'll likely put that savings right back into the mortgage, but it's nice to have the extra flexibility.

School starts again next week, but I sure as heck hope to make the most from my remaining 3 days of freedom.

12/30/2010

12/29/2010 Coffee Night

Off to Coffee with mom friends!! And no big deal, this is SUCH an easy week. Work is SO easy when there's no school!

12/29/10

12/28/2010 The wife at home

I went to work early today, left late, and worked hard. But when I left work, I was able to run an errand on the way home, then go home to astounding peace. Actually, it was a weird day, because I left before the kids were up, and Dave had taken them to Tonya's for an unusual weekday sleepover before I got home. I never even saw them today.

But what a stunning difference my workdays have been this week, not having the painful 30-40 minute pickup time, and the very stressful work when I get home trying to get the boys to work on school projects while I clean up lunches, make dinner, and start tomorrow's lunches.

Instead, I can leave work when I'm at a good breaking point, have a direct drive home, and walk in and find everyone playing quietly (or, as today, absent). Meantime, Dave's taken care of answering phone calls, returning library books, waiting for the appliance repairman (our dryer is making death-throe noises), rescheduling Gabriel's teeth sealant appointment, picking up our new storage shelves, and scheduling our mortgage refi closing document signing, getting kids to pick up their rooms, finding batteries for whatever needs it.

WHAT a difference! Working life is soooo much easier when someone's at home taking care of everything!! I wouldn't even mind if it meant I still had to cook and grocery-shop -- I get left with the things I like to do, and with time to do them!

Well, I'm not going to get a new wife anytime soon, but this really underscores our dire need for some domestic help. Next year, when all 3 kids are in school.

For sleepover night tonight, Dave and I actually went shopping to find him some snow gear. This is an expensive and time-consuming new obsession to get started in, but once we have everything covered, things will go much smoother for the frequent trips to the mountain I'd like to take this winter. I'm trying to keep myself from going crazy and taking everyone on another snow trip over New Year's, since there really is no good reason to do it other than....I just want to go back. We really don't have the time, and school starts next week (wwwWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!), but 3 weeks until our ski trip seems SOOOO long.

So does the time when it will become practical and economical to hire someone to help us. Boy, how I need that.

12/18/2010

12/27/2010 Back to Rancho

Awww, my boys. I love them so much. This is a great photo.


Katrina had a great time too, and no trouble keeping up with the pack. I think we can safely retire all our strollers.


These were taken at one my favorite places in the world, Rancho San Antonio. But I wasn't there. I was at work today, and will be this whole week. Meantime, Dave's company has shut down and he's at home taking care of the kids this week. For the most part, I'm not sure who has the better of the deal, but if it means a fun beautiful walk at Rancho, he wins!

12/27/2010