7/29/2011 The girls are back!

I'm not crazy about it when the CDC asks us to pick up kids from somewhere other than their location, but it worked out today -- Gabriel's Archery Camp pickup was nearly within walking distance from the CDC's field trip from where they asked us to pick the kids up. So I picked up Gabriel first, then the other two.

So of course I think: all-three photo-op? Not really -- Gabriel had to trick Katrina into thinking something unexpected was behind me. She turns these situations from photo-ops into documentation moments, where the best I can do is record that they were all together.


The really good news for us this week: we get to rat-sit! Spot and Scabbers are back! Their true owners are going out of town for a week, and we gladly volunteered to rat-sit. The kids are thrilled, none moreso than Gabriel.



We're old hats with rats now; we know how to handle them and deal with the cage and all that. These two have grown a little, so may not fit into pockets quite the same way as before, but we'll manage (such as with bigger pockets).

It's so obvious we need our own pets. But with both parents working full-time and always feeling very on-the-edge, anything that needs more emotional maintenance than a cat (meaning: very little) wouldn't do well here. And school is starting in just a few weeks.

San Francisco seems a pretty dog-friendly city. I really enjoyed walking around during lunch breaks, touristing and immersing myself in the "city" world (though a completely different city world from New York). I saw a lot of dogs, and smiled at scenes like bored doormen in the high-class hotel district enjoying passersby with their dogs. I really liked walking around the city, especially with its beautiful hilltop views of thebay, but I also really liked seeing the normal scenes of normal life, including so many people passing their days and their lives with the companionship of a dog.

Rats are terrific pets for kids, and cats make the most sense for working parents, but there's no getting around that I've always been a dog person. Oh, if only. There are a lot of reasons for me to quit my job -- that could be one too!

But for the next week at least, we get to enjoy the company of two very funny friendly little girls!

7/29/11

7/28/11 Dry girl

Katrina had a dry night!!!! This was the first time ever. OK, 3 wet nights since (in Pull-Ups of course), but that was still a huge milestone.

She also seems to be past the "leaking" problem for now, though I don't stick my nose in her underpants to check. But she's seemed to join the realm of the normal girls in that department.

Thanks to her brothers, I'm not concerned about night-training, though if I recall (and can you believe, it's been long enough that I can't?), Julian was "done" well before kindergarten. Gabriel, I recall VERY well, was so NOT; he was well into first-grade and it was a big struggle with a night-time alarm to try to get the idea across. I'm happy to say that my investment in this alarm has paid off -- at least 3 friends have used it! It's much too early for 4-yo Katrina, but wouldn't it be nice if she didn't need it.....

That would be the last foot in the world of babies/toddlers -- magical as it is, the real magic is in moving out of it and seeing your babies become kids -- without Pull-Ups!

7/28/11

7/27/11 Conference in S.F.

Usually I love professional conferences, but this one was something of a snoozer. Still, I get a lot out of them and today was no exception. This conference had a "marketing" track and a "technical" track and to my amazement, the marketing track was much more interesting and pretty technical too. It got me excited about my work again, reminded me of how much is out there, how much I can do and contribute to my field -- I don't have to be oppressed by a hostile insecure manager who wants to keep me down and drive me out.

And nothing is more uplifting than a nice walk at lunchtime -- especially when you're in the Nob Hill section of San Francisco! Though I've lived in California for over 20 years, I really have only been to the city a handful of times, so I'm still in tourist mode here.

The fog had lifted, though a chilly wind reminded pedestrians of where they were, which in my case was at a nice summit with views of water on either side. I walked around the neighborhoods and took random pictures of interesting things. I'd say "stroll" but in San Francisco there's a whole lot of huffing uphill that makes it just not a stroll.





Standard architects will tell you that windows on a floor are all supposed to be at the same level -- obviously this house was built by a contrarian!


We were all coldy instructed to be back in the office tomorrow (the conference goes on for one more day), so it's back to the coal mines. But two days in the city goes a long way toward spirit revival!

7/27/11

7/25/11 Y camp again

Two pickups again this week....Gabriel at a Y camp; Julian and Katrina at the CDC. This is worse than last week in one way, because these two locations are far apart, but better in other ways because of no swim lessons (which Katrina is very sad about). To complicate matters, I'm driving to the city tomorrow for a conference. Brrr! High of 63 today in San Francisco -- and it's a COLD 63 up there!!

7/25/11

7/24/2011 Swim Day

Not them -- me! I went swimming this morning, for sadly only the second time this summer. What a great way to think things through -- I did 1800 yards without stopping, and had time to squeeze in another 50 of butterfly and backstroke before lap swim time was over.

During that time, I gave a lot of thought to my work and life situation while in a semi-out-of-body trancelike state. Even running, which in many ways I like better, doesn't give me the same mental peace and sense of well-being that a good swim does afterward. I was in a decent mood all day, and had the energy and optimism to tackle a most dreadful and inertia-inducing task: resume updates.

Friday's Dilbert. This is so close to home that I wouldn't dare post it in my cubicle.


Last Friday was the kids' last "regular" swim lesson, but I think I will schedule a few one-off private lessons for them (and me!) in August, same place. I'm really happy we've found our swim-lesson place.


But I'm also happy there are no lessons next week. That will give me a little logistical relief, but not entirely, because Gabriel will be at a Y Archery camp while Julian and Katrina are at Collins. And I have a conference to attend in San Francisco for three days, that will make things extra-interesting, but I'm happy to be pulled out of my regular context.

Still, I could use one more weekend day and a few more good swims this week!

7/24/2011

7/23/11 Kitchen helper

I bake a lot. As such, there are a few tasks I've grown to dislike: #1 is measuring flour. #2 is cracking eggs. I'm fast so it's really not a problem, but I'd just as soon delegate. Most of the time, kids "helping" is more for fun and bonding, but isn't really help.

This morning I needed about 4 eggs cracked for scrambled eggs, and Katrina enthusiastically volunteered for the job. She'd done so well the last time she "helped" me that this time, I just set her up and let her go!


Then she added salt, pepper (milling it from the grinder), paprika and half-and-half; then she mixed it all up.


If she could reach things on her own, I could probably just ask her to prepare and cook the scrambled eggs herself! I also love her enthusiasm and just being with her in the kitchen.

7/23/11

7/21/2011 Almost swimming

Last summer, I had to pluck Katrina out of the water when she went horizontal and didn't know enough to put her feet back down.

Last week, she was barely OK with putting her face in the water for a moment -- a decent first step thanks to months of the previous swim place, but a far cry from where her brothers were thanks to their Water Babies experience (one that she never took to).

At age 4-1/2, Katrina was starting at a huge deficit compared to her brothers, but at least had been in water before and was OK with getting her head wet. I described her swimming level as "drowning hazard," but at least she was past the crying and refusing stage of many 4-year-olds. Not much comfort to a mom who'd like their kids to actually swim.

Today, Katrina is almost -- not quite -- but almost -- there!


She loves it and is SO happy and proud of herself.

Unfortunately, only one more swim lesson tomorrow. Still, this "immersion" (no pun intended) plan has worked well -- a lesson 3 days last week and every day this week (instead of one lesson a week all summer) has been far, far more effective, despite the logistical challenge.

Plus the quality and method of these lessons is night and day. Part of that is because of our quasi-private lessons -- not because cheapie me paid for them, but because no one else signed up for this time slot.

And though this is a selfish aspect, I SO much prefer outdoor pools. I love to swim myself (and have only gone once this summer, wah), but I can't stand indoor swimming -- or watching swimming indoors, as it turns out. I really like hanging around the outdoor pools and watching everything. I'm not alone in this; an extremely athletic swimming/marathoner friend also won't go near indoor pools (Helen Barker for those of you know who her).

Katrina's teacher seems to really enjoy teaching her; she's so enthusiastic and happy about it. She isn't usually a gushy kind of person, but you can hear her giggling and shouting happily from all the way across the other pool during her lesson.

But aside from joy in the water, Katrina's turnaround is nothing short of amazing. She was by far the most reluctant baby-swimmer I had (and frankly has never shown much athletic talent), but now she is by far the most enthusiastic swimmer. Gabriel was by far the most capable baby swimmer I had (and he has some natural athletic ability), but is unfortunately by far the most reluctant swimmer now.

Katrina is still in "drowning hazard" territory, but she's come so, so far. I wish she had another week of lessons, I think she'd actually be swimming, but we just can't make it happen. Still, I think her teacher will enjoy her last lesson tomorrow just as much as she will -- but no one moreso than me!

7/21/2011

7/20/2011 Swimming?

Drat, I didn't get video, but I saw Katrina do something that remotely resembles swimming today! It involved being underwater, horizontal, moving all limbs with just barely enough rhythm to pass for "swimming" for a second or so, then popping up and laughing, "SEE Mommy, I'm SWIMMING!!!" She's still a drowning hazard, but she's come SO SO far from being pulled around on a barbell and doing the hokey-pokey in a swim floatie under a tunnel.

Logistics of swim lessons have been tough, but I'm almost wishing I'd signed up for another week, if just for Katrina. She's close to a breakthrough. Yay!

The boys....ugh. Gabriel is famously exceptional at resisting instruction, and he mostly does. He's improved a little, but only against his will. If he'd apply his extraordinary attention span and determination to swimming instead of not swimming, he'd be doing laps and flip-turns now. Julian is much more willing to learn and has made a lot more improvement, I'm happy to say. He too could benefit from another week. Maybe I can fit it in somehow.

Next year I'm certainly going to call this same swim school (really a members-only country club that lets the rank-and-file scrabble in for swim lessons) earlier and find a way to get them all there for longer!

7/20/11

7/19/2011 Attitude Improvement

Instead of working from 3:15-4pm before I had to leave early to get kids to swim lessons, I played ping-pong with a coworker. And I went running at lunch today, which takes 1-1/2 hours. And got to work late, partly because of horrendous traffic on a local street. AND, I didn't work tonight. Nyah.

Instead of working tonigh to make up for all my deliquencies, I watched the rest of T2 with my young impressionable children. Great parenting, huh!! It's R-rated and fraught with violence!

I was amused that Katrina had made a comment about Winnie-the-Pooh being scary, but nothing about Terminator 2. Well, at least it has some positive themes: giving up things you love for the right reasons, mother-son bonding, obedient capable kids. Not to mention the mind-bending theme of time-travel. Gabriel especially is moved when I say that I'd do anything to protect him, just as Sarah Conner would die to protect her son (though she was a little better-prepared than I am).

I could use some lessons from the Terminator myself. Hasta la vista, baby.

7/19/11

(p.s. welcome back from music camp in Vermont, Mom!)

7/18/11 Wrap-up

A black day for me. It's clear the work problem is here to stay, and I have just learn to live with it, or leave.

The bigger problem is within myself. Why do I care so much? How can I let this cancer eat away at me? Why can't I compartmentalize, put it in perspective, set it aside? Why can't I adapt as others have; accepting the futility of resistance and settling for "good enough" -- do just enough to make the proper appearances, and get real work done under the radar. Why does staying silent when I disagree or see something done wrong feel so wrong, why can't I learn to live with that? Why don't I "just leave" ?

Today at least, it feels like a lose-lose. Leaving is retreating from a situation I overall really like and am unlikely to duplicate elsewhere. Turning into a sheep burns at my very core; speaking up and pushing for what I think is right is one of my few assets.

I know the best approach is to take this as a learning experience and find a way to rise above: to work effectively, despite my Director's efforts against that; and to continue to build solid relationships with others. And try not to get frustrated and feel like a victim: I didn't start this. This man got away with unprecedented verbal abuse, yet I was the one who ended up under the microscope.

And most of all, have faith that the truth will come out. That faith has been seriously rattled -- nothing substantial has come from my efforts to escalate and publicize the problem, except directing much unwanted scrutiny at me. 10% of my angst tonight is about the loss of that faith; the other 90% is just that I can't turn this OFF like I know I should.

OK, one more day of futile fretting, then it's time to do some emotional damage control!

7/18/11

7/17/2011 Movie Day

This is rare -- we all went to see a movie in a theatre today! Dave's idea actually: Winnie-the-Pooh. We met up with our friends Sara and Saul, who is 10 weeks older than Katrina. Saul laughed a lot through the movie; Gabriel chuckled a bunch of times (and enjoyed it; apparently he's not getting too old for animated movies), and Julian and Katrina were riveted.

I'd also rented some decidedly un-kid movies: Terminator and Terminator 2. Wellll....what can I say. I'd been telling Gabriel about some of the great scenes in the beginning of T2, which led to renting both. The boys and I watched the beginning of Terminator yesterday, then the beginning of T2 today, with Katrina.

I know, I know, really not kid-stuff. On the other hand, the motorcycle chase scenes in T2 with a 10-year-old boy are the sort of thing most 9-year-old boys live for -- lots of stuff blowing up, after all.

Otherwise mostly putzed around the house and tried not to think about work too much today.

7/17/2011

7/15/2011 Do It Anyway

I need to get OUT of work mode. WHY does this matter so much?

A coworker suggested that our mishmash (diverse?) modern society has few rite-of-passage rituals, such as Bar/Bat Mitzvahs for 13-year-olds in Jewish culture, or Quinceanera for 15-year-olds in Mexican culture. Instead, we get our sense of hierarchy and advancement from work. And indeed, I know in my heart that a large part of the reason I wanted to go back to work after having babies was for the structure, the sense of accomplishment, the belonging.

But it's hard to satisfy those basic needs in a foreign culture in which advancement, recognition and contribution is about people, relationships and loyalty; rather than intrisic work. I'd expect a great deal of subjective judgement in an artistic environment, but in a literal engineering one? That's odd. As regular readers know, I struggle routinely with a boss who values impressions, appearances and loyalty over quality of work and facts.

Yesterday my job changed dramatically. I was instructed to start working on a software application that does failure analysis on IP networks. Actually, it's right up my alley, normally, but it's not close to what I've been doing or want to do. More importantly, it's not in my team's set of responsibilities.

Do It Anyway, I was told today. Never mind that the group that is responsible doesn't need or want my help. So instead of doing in my job description, I've been instructed to duplicate work in another group..."just in case." I hate being given busywork that others have already covered and being told to "do it anyway" with little purpose beyond "just in case."

I don't know...do I trust the CTO's sincere-sounding words that he wants to hear about problems like this? Or will I come off as a whiner? How do you convey that this really isn't your job without sounding like you're trying to slough off??

Speaking of dysfunction, thank goodness I had to leave at 3:30 today, to deal with a wacky kid-pickup schedule that involved kids in a pool on a field trip just before a swim lesson. Somehow I got them all to swim lesson on time. That by itself proves how capable I am!!

7/15/2011

7/14/2011 Thursday night

This has been a really remarkable week so far, and not all in good ways. I made an important and good discovery at work, then my job was almost pretty much re-assigned yesterday. And today I looked our CTO in the eye and told him that his Director is technically incompetent and that people don't understand why the CTO tolerates him. I think I used up a year's worth of courage in saying that.

I need to work tonight, but you know what? There's a new episode of Burn Notice on in 10 minutes! Forget work!

7/14/2011

7/13/2011 takeout!

Swim night, and I have a ton of work to do tonight due to an unexpected re-assignment at work today. I will NOT let Mr Horrible keep me from doing real, good work, so that means extra work. It's serious, because I even missed a regular Coffee Night with friends!!

7/13/2011

7/12/11 MWF swim

Whew. No swim lesson today -- no trying to coordinate Gabriel and Katrina's field trip with getting them to swim lesson on time. They went ice-skating. Julian left his knapsack that I'd so carefully packed at the CDC and so didn't skate, but Katrina remembered hers and she had a great time!

Tomorrow, Gabriel's field trip is going to some marine lab, supposedly back by 4:30. A few wrong traffic lights will make us late for a 5pm swim lesson. Summer is stressful!

7/12/11

7/11/2011 Swim Lessons

Two weeks of swim lessons for all 3 starting today!! New place, great reputation.

Scheduling constraints meant that Katrina had her own lesson at 5pm, then the boys together at 5:30.

Katrina loved her teacher; I could hear her giggling from far away. For her, it turns out her swim lessons at the previous lame place did pay off to some extent, because she was willing to put her face in the water. The boys have always been fine with dunking their heads due to their early Water Babies lessons in Campbell, but Katrina never took to swim lessons as a baby.


During Katrina's lesson, the boys had fun playing ping-pong by the pool.


This place is a genuine "country club" with a hefty initiation fee to join, but it does allow the rank-and-file scrabble like us to pay for swim lessons without joining. They're not cheap, but swim lessons never are, and most aren't very good.

The boys were next, in a lesson together, against my better judgement. The swim class director assured me they could handle brothers. I was skeptical.


And I was right. Not these brothers. I had to intervene several times to threaten Gabriel (and carry out twice) with the loss of coveted computer-time for every time the teacher had to tell him to quit messing around (splashing Julian, blocking Julian when it was his turn to swim, going underwater and kicking his feet at the teacher). By the end of the lesson, the swim class director (not their teacher) suggested that next lesson, we split the boys up 15 minutes/15 minutes, so they're not in the pool at the same time.

Despite all this, much swim-learning actually occurred. Julian used his arms, and was introduced to the concept of intermingling breathing with actually swimming. Gabriel showed that he had learned something at our previous swim place, but really really needs to reinforce it, since he gives up after only a few strokes. I had to face the fact that at 9 years old, despite having started at 4 months old, he really can't swim.

I was struck by how much nicer it was to deal with an outdoors pool than indoors. It's SO much nicer to wait and watch -- downright pleasant, in fact. No surprise; I've grown to truly dislike indoor swimming myself, and haven't done it for years. I've swum outdoors in the rain and dark in 52-degree weather, but not indoors.

(Actually, I have not gone swimming myself for months until yesterday, when I really felt like I needed to -- and had a horrible swim for the first 20 minutes, then the endorphins kicked in and I felt phenomenal and drove home in a great, inspired, uplifted mood as I always do after swimming.)

3 kid swim-lessons this week, 5 next week. Despite the logistical challenges, I already totally enjoy not cringing at their lameness!

7/11/11 (cool date!)

Death Valley Writeup

FINALLY! I finished blogging our Death Valley National Park Trip (April 17-19, 2011). You've already read about it, just check out the photos.

There must be a better way. Next time, photo book!

7/10/2011 The Piano

We've been thinking about upgrading our practice piano. What we have now is a programmable one with 65 keys, a shade up from toy status, but definitely not a real piano.

Dave has an 88-key keyboard that's been in a box since we moved out to remodel, one with weighted keys to give a more piano-like feel. I convinced him that it doesn't need protection from little kids anymore -- so, let's start with that one.

Though we're thinking that a more integrated electronic piano would be better, one that doesn't need separate speakers, metronome, music stand, pedals and tangles of cords, for now Dave's 88-key piano tells us how much of the whiz-bang electronic features we do need. The kids make ample use of the pre-recorded tunes and various playing modes on our semi-toy piano...but we can always keep that one and find another place for it.

Meantime, Gabriel has been enjoying getting to know 88 keys. I'm very curious to see if the better feel and sound of this piano will outweigh the lack of whizzy features for him.

(lots of mistakes at first but he gets his groove on.)


Julian and Katrina have been enjoying freer access to our littler piano, which clearly needs to be in a different room from the 88-key one. And bonus: now Dave wants to play again too!

In other breaking news, it was time to get the kids haircuts. Their hair is never quite in sync -- Gabriel's could have gone longer, but Julian is getting downright shaggy and Katrina's bangs could use a professional touch-up from the occasional hacking I do.

They weren't thrilled about a "before" shot.


And less so about an "after" shot, but there were lollipops at stake here. The boys didn't like the itchiness so took their shirts off.


The lady who did Katrina's hair did a wonderful job. A little layering in the back, giving her thick rich hair a lovely swingy quality. And she did a very nice job angling her bangs in the front.


Katrina actually asked me to take a photo of her haircut afterward.


Gabriel's is inexplicably short, but he doesn't mind, because he says that means he won't need a haircut for longer now. I didn't have the heart to remind him that it's really Julian's hair, which was cut much longer by a different person, that will determine when our next trip to Great Clips will be!

7/10/2011

7/7/11 too much to write

...whew. I am really tired. just a few notes before going to sleep. We got the kids up to bed early for once, and I ended up working late. But late tonight, a very strange stiffness all across my heck and back make me feel like I'm carrying a piece of plywood strapped to my back. This better not be a reminder of who's really in control of my mobility: my trick back. I don't think it's because I haven't stretched right after a run...?

7/7/2011

7/6/11 The Helper

What a change -- it's actually a joy to pick the kids up now! The teachers are happy and have cute little stories, we chat a bit, the kid in question cooperates with getting ready to leave. This is great!

The CDC taking care of Katrina is adjusting a little to her though. "She doesn't really want to participate," one teacher reported, apparently expecting that I'd perceive this as a problem. Uh-huh. "She likes to play on her own for a long time. Uh-huh.

Another time, Katrina refused to answer a question and just stared ahead, so the teacher called Gabriel over to "translate." They went on a field trip today, and apparently Gabriel was by her side the whole day -- on the bus, at the pizza restaurant where they made their own lunch, back at the CDC. Gabriel commented, "I'm making sure nothing happens to her -- except good things."

The CDC teachers who are used to Gabriel are blown away by this side of him. I'd told them that he was very sweet with her, but they seem really surprised, and delighted. Indeed, Gabriel with Katrina is totally opposite from Gabriel with Julian.

I never worried about the boys when they started at the CDC, and I'm overall not worried at all about Katrina, but I do think about her a little more. She's just so young, so little. She was in preschool just a few weeks ago, and now has been thrust into the big-kid world. She doesn't even think to close the bathroom door yet, for instance. But she's fine. Anything she can't handle, Gabriel can. I just love how he loves her.

Ah, the magic of summer -- and fraternal separation!

7/6/11