8/25/11 Yellow Belt

I worked late tonight, and picked Julian up from Kung Fu on my way home. I got there JUST in time to see him awarded his new yellow belt!


He takes his new responsibility very seriously.


The sifus have a very goofy side to them though! Julian brings that out in people.


I picked him up sweaty and tired. And now he wants to go for his green belt. Good Kung Fu! I'm proud of him, he's doing great, and I made sure to tell him many times.

8/25/11

8/23/11 Homework again

Tonight, Julian had to write one sentence that starts with each letter in the phrase "School Days," like, S - School is a great place to learn history. This is always hard for kids to do, and especially hard when they're being distracted by a cute little sister, and when they're very distractable to begin with.

Julian sat in the kitchen while I made dinner, so I could talk to him, give him ideas, keep him on target, and spell words for him (if he uses a dictionary it takes him forever). But Katrina kept playing with him, talking to him, starting games -- I told her again and again to leave him alone, but he just couldn't concentrate with her there.

Finally I had to kick her out, and she stormed out saying, "I'm NEVER going to help you cook AGAIN, Mom!"

This is one of the consequences of homework that I absolutely hate and resent. She's right. Well, not that she'll never help me, but that tonight, we couldn't just be together and I couldn't give her little jobs like fetching or stirring things, because I had to be helping Julian with his homework. What a loss.

8/23/11

8/22/2011 The New Boss

Whoo boy, do I have some re-learning to do. Today I had my first gaffe with the new boss, first day. GOOD JOB!

The new boss scheduled a meeting for tomorrow morning, but I have an appointment so I can't make the meeting -- but I hadn't put the appointment in my online calendar, OOPS.

You know why? My old boss, Mr. Horrible, never bothered to check peoples' calendars and just scheduled meetings whenever he felt like it. So we've all gotten out of the habit of religiously updating our calendars because it never mattered. (Mr H also almost always rescheduled the meeting several times and was almost always late.)

I'm going to have to get back into some normal habits -- I'm not used to having a boss who knows how to use a calendar -- let alone understands technical things and can actually evaluate my work. Major mindshift, and not a moment too soon!

8/22/2011

8/21/2011 Race thru the redwoods

Dave and I ran Race Thru the Redwoods today!

This is a 10K race in a lovely state park in the Santa Cruz Mountains. I was proud of Dave, he's not a runner and was only trained to 1 mile on a treadmill, yet he ran 80% of it and came in at 1:11:48, which is about a 11-1/2 minutes per mile.

My time was 58:49, and I was 7th in my age group (45-49) out of a field of 45. Ironically, I had a competitive age group -- had I been in the 35-39 or the 40-44 age group, my time would have put me in the top 5! I placed 179 overall out of 700.

This was a beautiful course, with a very steep uphill for about half a mile. I insisted on running the whole uphill, though most runners walked it -- then passed me again on the downhills! Still, the whole experience was tons of fun and I can't wait to do it again next year.

8/21/11

8/20/2011 Rainbow Princess

This afternoon Katrina dressed up as a "Rainbow Princess -- no wait, ROSIE Princess -- no, no, no, I mean Rainbow Princess."


I'm not big on the whole princess thing, but this is cute!

This morning, Julian had a belt test for Kung Fu. With Dave still out of town, I handled this by dropping Julian off first to get him there in time, then driving home to get the other two if they wanted. Katrina still wasn't ready, but Gabriel wanted to watch Julian's belt test, so I told Gabriel he could walk there himself.

After Julian's belt test, the boys walked home themselves, though I had Katrina in the car.


Dave was supposed to get home in the early evening, but his motorcycle died on a fairly remote road on his way back from Susanville. Fortunately, it didn't die on the much much more remote roads he'd been on earlier that day! Still, he hitched a ride 9 miles to the nearest town, no cell service, and called me from a pay phone. From there, I called around and found a "Motorcycles Only" service, that drove 100 miles into the mountains to get him. He picked up Dave around 5pm and drove him to Yuba City, where I coordinated a U-Haul pickup, just before they closed at 6:30pm. Dave loaded his bike into a U-Haul truck and drove straight home, just got here at 9:30pm. Whew, what a day!

8/20/11

8/19/2011 Noey

This 5-week old baby's name is Noemi!


A coworker's wife liked my name so much that at first, it was going to be their baby's middle name -- then got upgraded to first name. But they call her Noey, like, "NO-ee." HOW CUTE. That's a nickname I never got, or even heard of!

Not often you see two Noemis in one photo!

8/19/2011

8/18/2011 First Day of School!!

If you're interested in our just-before-school camping trip, here are the photos. Facebook, I'm afraid, makes it a zillion times easier to upload photos and add captions. So here it is.

Facebook Album - Camping-Canoeing August 2011

OK, now, on to the first day of school.

Today was the first day of school!!! I just sent my youngest child to kindergarten!

I've asked parents many times what's worse: your first child's or your last child's first day of kindergarten. No doubt: first. Last isn't easy either, but though I felt bad about it, I wasn't even there to pick her up. I wished I could be, but the calculus said that just couldn't happen. I'd missed too much work taking them camping, which on balance was worth it.

Of course I had to get my photos in first. Katrina is still doing the toddler-tantrum thing of refusing to cooperate and making it all take too much extra time. But it makes for a funny picture!


I drove them all to school, we dropped off Katrina's knapsack and school supplies, then she walked with me and the boys to their classrooms. Which are VERRRRRY far apart this year!

Julian in front of his 2nd-grade classroom. He had as little to say about his first day.


Gabriel in front of his completely unadorned classroom. No welcoming banners or bright colorfulful decorations here. 4th-grade or male teacher? He's in one of the new portable buildings, allll the way across the campus from the permanent buildings, where Julian is. That too I'm sure was deliberate. Our principal made sure to do the easy things to reduce our sons' visitorship of his office.

(I commented to another 2nd-grade parent that I liked our new principal better than the previous one, and she laughed and said, "well, DUH!")

I peeked into the window and saw Gabriel's teacher busily putting together welcome envelopes. I can't explain why I'm so glad his teacher is a guy, but I really am. Gabriel later said that his new teacher is "AWESOME!" with rare enthusiasm.

I wasn't too enthusiastic to hear from Gabriel that 33 kids are registered for his class though. 30 was enough!

After giving the boys a big kiss and a sendoff, I took Katrina into her kindergarten classroom. Finally, she started to act excited about the whole idea, and even cooperated with a picture.


When the kinder classroom opened, it was filled with parents, so I said a happy hello to her teacher (who I already know), showed Katrina where her cubby was, then her table, and then did what the teacher -- and Katrina -- needed the most: I left.


I thought about them all, all day long, but I had to go to work. I looked forward to picking them up and hearing about the first day of school.

Katrina was happy and cheerful when I picked her up, and said she loved her teacher. But she fell apart later at home, throwing massive tantrums for the minorest reasons. For the first time in her life, she lost dessert for disobeying -- usually that's her brothers' pervue!!!

But my patience is short, and I must now treat her exactly like the other school-age kids in the house, and anyone who makes me come back outside to lecture and insist they take the first step of simply getting out of the car will instantly lose dessert. School's in session now -- no tolerance.

Gabriel was overall cooperative, and Julian was too, including going to Kung Fu -- but only after a crisis when Julian broke a new gift that Gabriel had received from his teacher, a cheap mini-Rubik's cube on a keychain. I was furious with Julian for breaking the rule of not touching anyone else's things, let alone breaking a new gift from a new teacher. And hello, don't touch something attached to someone else's knapsack. Thank heavens I discovered the problem before Gabriel did, or I'd be typing to you from the Emergency room.

Lights were off at 8:15 and incredibly, no one objected.

8/18/11

8/18/11 Day before school

I should have spent last weekend getting ready for school....well, ok, I should have done that weeks ago. I didn't. All my friends finished their "back-to-school" shopping weeks ago, including new back-to-school clothes (!), but me? I waited until the day before school, exploiting the handy excuse of rafting and canoeing in the last weekends before school instead.

Each kid had a list of supplies requested for their grade, so each kid got a basket and was supposed to shop for their own supplies.


In practice, Target was so crowded with other last-minuters -- and so empty of supplies -- that I ended up doing most of the work myself anyway. That included driving to Staples to get stuff that Target was wiped out of.


Tonight was incredibly hectic -- getting kids to bed TRULY on time (8:15 lights off after a lax summer, I did it!), then arranging all their school supplies -- including sharpening 50 pencils, unwrapping 50 glue sticks, and unpackaging and labelling countless erasers, pencils, folders, etc, then putting them all into their own marked bags. The 4th grade also wants 7 folders, each labelled with name and subjects. That's the sort of thing the kid should be doing himself if he weren't already in bed. And I thought this was a huge pain when it was only one!

I also got to re-unite myself with my all-time least favorite task: making lunch for four! Blah. (Dave's on a moto-trip this week for a traditional event that I've attended several times too, I encouraged him to go.)

At least I had ordered new knapsacks and lunchbags in time, monogrammed to spare me the labelling problem.


After Target, we dropped by school to find out their teachers and classmates. Odds were good that we'd know our kindergarten teacher, since two of them taught the boys, and Julian's first-grade teacher is a K/1 combo teacher who was a 1st-grade teacher last year and a kinder teacher this year.

I'd have loved to get her again to redeem ourselves after Julian's relentless pestilence last year and because she emphasizes writing so much, but instead of Julian's 1st-grade teacher, Katrina got Julian's kindergarten teacher, who I also really liked. Julian was no problem in kindergarten, so our chance for redemption is lost.

(Speaking of Katrina, she's been worrying me this last week. At camping, and at home this week, she still showed many signs of tantrumy toddler when she gets into a snit. The boys are often defiant, but I can usually get them to comply with a lost-dessert-days countdown. It's rare I have to threaten Katrina, but when I do, it never works, she just breaks down and screams. Is it possible she's not really mature enough for kindergarten? I had no doubts until now, but they're creeping in. It might be a rough start.)

Anyway, boys' teachers. Julian's teacher I've never heard of, but I was happy to see that one of his classmates is a neighbor, about a 4-minute walk from home without crossing streets, who was also in his kindergarten. I'd requested a strict teacher in support of Julian's first-grade teacher's recommendation, so I'll assume Julian's teacher is strict. He has 24 kids in his class, but at least 13 are girls and 11 are boys. And poor beleaguered Aditya isn't in his class.

I'm sure the principal put a lot of thought into Gabriel's teacher. My guess is that Gabriel's class placement was mostly about who'd present the greatest authority figure to him. So, Gabriel has one of the few (only?) male teachers in the school. That will be interesting. This teacher is well-known and highly regarded, gives a lot of homework I hear, and if I recall is supposed to be strong in science and math. Gabriel is getting a head start on complaining about school -- and sulky grouchy teenage behavior just with shopping for school supplies.

First day tomorrow! GAH!

8/18/2011

8/16/2011 Back from camping!

Drove back from our camping/river-beach/canoeing trip in Guerneville today. Editing pictures, haven't had a chance to post yet. Great, beautiful, enjoyable trip overall - a terrific, if imperfect, start to camping with all three by myself. More tomorrow!




(Posting photos like these always presents a dilemma: do I repeat them in the "real" post with complete photos, or replace this quickie-post with the "real" one? Ah well, I'm too tired tonight to worry about it.)

Age is a good thing when it comes to camping -- there was a huge difference between Gabriel and Julian+Katrina. Gabriel still needs some reminding, but he's crossed the threshold from "helping" being a teaching moment to "helping" actually helping. I was so grateful that I could quickly bark an order at him ("ok, now go empty the water container and then go put the garbage away!") and count on him to be there with me, whereas the other two are still in the little-kid mode of barely going along -- often at great pains -- with requests ("time to pack all your clothes in your knapsack!" x 100) and needing tons of prompting and supervision.

I was so proud of Gabriel that I started to entertain a whole new venture: true backpacking! (like where you hike to your campsite carrying all your food and shelter with you -- not dumping it all in the back of a car). I've never backpacked and never, until today, thought I'd have anyone to do it with. Could we pull it off?!

Turns out -- Facebook makes uploading a lot of photos MUUUCH easier than Blogger. Here's the trip in FB format:

Facebook Album - Camping-Canoeing August 2011

8/16/2011

8/12/11 Last CDC day

Last day at the CDC for the kids! And only 3 weekdays until school starts! I'm taking the first 3 days off next week to do something fun with them, before school starts on Thursday. Wah!

I sure have a lot to think about over my extended weekend. Last week was almost certainly one of the worst weeks I've ever had in my career. But this week was much, much better, for numerous reasons. First, some outages meant I spent a lot of time on the phone -- and being involved and useful.

But mostly, some developments inside and outside the company mean that next week will be the last week that I am under the direct influence of Mr. Horrible!!!!! And I'll be gone for 3 of those 5 days! The sky is brighter, the air is fresher, food tastes better, my work world has gone from black-and-white to color. I feel like I'm coming out of a deep, dark well. That insipid, obnoxious imbecile will no longer have the power to insult and lecture and be so condescending. Best of all, I can do real work now, and be a productive contributing member of the working world. No more energy wasted on appearances and stupid busywork just so he can look good to his boss. Yay!

However, I have to brace myself, because starting a new job (whether or not it's in the company, and that's not sure yet), is usually pretty time and energy consuming. What timing -- school's starting next week! But I'm really really happy to finally have the opportunity to accomplish things and feel productive. That really was what drove me to want to go back to work to begin with.

No more work for a few days -- tomorrow, #1 objective is to get ready for camping! Spending the next few days bonding with my children might well be the number one thing that drives me back to work!

8/12/11

8/11/11 Apparition

I was stunned a few days ago to walk into my house in the late afternoon and see this remarkable image projected upon the wall.


Somehow, it was light distorted by the decorative glass in our front door, but the door is covered by at least a 10' porch ceiling, and faces NorthEast and wouldn't be getting direct sunlight that time of day anyway.



But somehow, the sun was bouncing off something outside, then getting twisted through the door's glass to cast this shaped light on the wall.


Our house doesn't have a lot of bright sunny amazing windows or views, but it does have these unexpected weird little pockets of light and reflections and shadows in places. This was the first I'd ever seen of this after living with this beautiful door for 2-1/2 years. And to think, a copy company thought they could produce it for less money with fewer types of special glass -- no thanks!

8/11/11

8/10/11 Score

Normally it's in poor taste to talk test scores, but regular readers of this blog know of the tremendous trials and tribulations we've been through with our firstborn. (Secondborn too, but of a different sort.)

One of the most baffling and frustrating things about Gabriel is that despite his early displays of talent in some areas, he's been a pretty mediocre student. Not to mention we're on first-name basis with the school principal regarding his disruptive behavior, and trying to figure out how to reach the kid.

Last year's STAR test scores really showed that too, in which he did about average for his school -- which is fine, I'm not worried about his academic development, but it's puzzling when other parents say things to you like, "please invite me to the party when he wins the Nobel Prize." They're all shocked when I tell them that his math grades were pretty eh.

So it was a relief to see that this year, he got a perfect score on the math section of the STAR test. Decent on the verbal, too, about average for his school. But for me, the math score is a rare data point confirming that we're not in denial or going crazy, he really is capable, despite his constant so-so math test grades last year.

I really don't put much stock in these test scores -- annual statewide tests, not a high bar to begin with -- but with Gabriel it is an unusual relief to finally get some good academic news.

I think that's the last I ever need to say on the matter, especially since this coming year, Julian will be taking the same tests too!

8/10/11

8/7/2011 Rafting Trip

I'm behind!! I took the boys on a one-night camping/rafting trip in the Sierra Foothills last weekend, and we had SUCH a great time!

This area is in the heart of Gold Country, with the closest town being Coloma CA -- mostly state historical campsites and private campsite resorts.

We had a reservation with a rafting company for an easy 1/2-day trip that accepted kids as young as 6. Many rafting companies understandably drew the line at 7, but this river fork is pretty tame. A perfect introduction.

The rafting company leases some private campground space from large resort, and that's where we camped (far left). Nothing wild; just dirt to set a tent up on. (Our site was in the far left where my car is in this photo.)


We could also buy dinner, lunch and breakfast -- and I was all for it!! Most of my past weekend camping had been with a motorcycle club in which all we brought for camping was bedding -- adding food and cooking gear is 70% of the work. So I was very happy to pay my way out of it this time.

Dinner wasn't formal, but with grilled tilapia, grilled vegetables and salad, I hardly suffered.


After dinner, the boys and I took a walk to look around the resort and other campsites. We were psyched to find this river access, so pretty in the setting sun.

I was quite certain we'd never go through a rapid like this, but little did I know -- it was coming the next day!




Of course, camping isn't complete without marshmallow-roasting.


The next morning, we had camp packed up and we were ready for breakfast in plenty of time. Then we piled onto a school bus for the 1/2-hour ride to the start point. There we got a safety talk and basic lessons in how to deal with the rafts and paddles.

Then it was time to get in the boats! It worked out with the groupings of people that the boys and I got our own boat. That meant they added an adult to our boat, so that there were two adults plus the guide. For us it was great that one of the "extra" adults also happened to be a guide!

They were very careful and conservative, letting the boys set their paddles aside early, especially when it became clear that they couldn't coordinate paddling with the adults (me and another woman guide).


Though Julian was hesitant at first -- and I love this photo of his face -- he totally got into it and really wasn't all that scared!




We stopped at a blackberry-picking spot. This little beach gave us access to a fully-lined bank of wild blackberries. Yum!


Right before the last rapid named "Troublemaker" -- the one we'd seen the night before and figured we wouldn't raft over -- and we did! Here comes the plunge!




We did it! What fun!! The boys were brave and tough and enthusiastic. Thank goodness, because so was I. I LOVED it, even with being blasted with cold water.


Yayyy! What fun!!


Can't wait to do it again -- and some real rapids next time. These were all "class 3" -- nothing to sneeze at as amateurs with a 7yo in the front of the boat, but I'm looking forward to the rough stuff -- with my boys!!

8/7/2011

8/5/2011 Indian Wedding

Thursday: Julian's Kung Fu class, practicing some sort of punching/kicking exercise. He's liking it! He's ready for a yellow-belt belt test, which I signed him up for on Aug 20.


Today Dave and I both took the day off work. We'd planned to go to lunch together to drop in on -- of all things -- a wedding! Since I had such a tough week and Dave had a dentist appointment anyway, it was a good day to just take the whole day off.

Julian informed us last night that he was in a play at CDC camp today, that was performing at 9:30am today. Nice to know!! (Our CDC is running the "performing arts" and "culinary" camp, and with all 3 of our kids there, it made sense to separate the boys with Julian in performing arts camp.)

So before the wedding, Dave and I attended a hastily-arranged "Hansel and Gretel" performance. Julian had a non-speaking role as a tree. He took it pretty seriously though.

I think he needs to practice the silent role more, he did well.

The wedding is for a longtime friend and former coworker of Dave's, Uday, and his longtime girlfriend, Joann. Uday also has a 9yo son, Kirin, who spends the summer with Uday here (he lives in Cleveland) and has had playdates with our boys.

The "wedding" is complicated, because the bride is from the Midwest and the groom is Indian, so they're having several ceremonies and celebrations. Today's was (one of?) the Indian celebrations, in which ceremonies and banquets occur all day long, and apparently guests are invited to pop in and out as they please. There's also a "white wedding" on Sunday (I think that refers to race and wedding-dress color!), and another celebration in India in a few months. And I thought Western weddings were tough!

When we got to the wedding, we'd missed one of the first ceremonies, which according to the program including 25 steps of blessings, songs and rituals, but we'd arrived in time for one of the many photo sessions. Many of Joann's family (caucasians from the Midwest) dressed in sarees, that was interesting to see. So decorative and sparkly!

Joann and Uday were wearing garlands made of real flowers -- fragrant and heavy.


Later another ritual started, in which Uday and Joann sat while a cross-legged cleric chanted and sang and sprinkled them with things for about an hour. Meantime, guests mingled and ate and chatted -- it seemed disrespectful not to pay attention to such an intense and solemn ceremony, but apparently that's expected. Joann had changed into a beautiful pink saree, and even changed the jewels on her headdress and forehead.


What a difference from a Western wedding, but very interesting! I really enjoyed talking to their family and friends. I'd quizzed Joann several times in past years about what it's like growing up with two older brothers, for Katrina's sake. Nowadays the question seems irrelevant, because as a mother, my childraising experience is dominated by the boys' tumultuous relationship.

I met Joann's mother, who'd also raised two boys and a girl, and she confirmed my experience -- that two boys and a girl is mostly about the brother relationship. At least, for the mother it is. But I appreciate Joann's perspective on being the younger sister, ostensibly to help Katrina -- lately it seems more like she doesn't need much help; if anything she relieves the intense fraternalities around here. Anyway, it was nice to be there for our friends, in whatever way we were there.

Unfortunately, the day was marred with yet another horrendous behavior report from the CDC about the boys. That doesn't happen nearly as much with girls. Argh!

8/5/2011

8/4/2011 Burnt

This has been one tough week. I'm taking tomorrow off just because of burnout. And got kids to bed at 8:30, something we need to start being stricter about (it's been let go a lot in the summer). Now I'm watching Burn Notice and crashing.

8/4/11

8/3/2011 Smarting

I'm still reeling from yesterday's work events, much of which comes from ongoing frustration at my inability to manage my own emotions. But the day turned around, unexpectedly, despite a horrendous start. First I found out that a greatly liked coworker is coming back (!), then later in the afternoon I was included in a meeting with a VP of Sales, to talk about the conference we all attended in the city last week.

Usually marketing and sales stuff sounds like Charlie-Brown-adult wonk-wonk-wonk to me, but being an in-the-trench engineer so greatly deprived of actual information, it was really enlightening and motivating to hear that our work actually affects someone. I was amused by Mr. Horrible's obvious attempts to steer conversation away from and belittle my area of expertise. He sure is working hard to make me irrelevant. I should be honored! Seems I'm smarting from someone trying to make sure I don't appear smart!

But I really need to work on emotional management and attitude shifts. I can't keep boring my regular blog readers to death with this, either. Though passion for my work is the greatest asset I have, I have to learn to control it. I think it was in a Laura Ingalls Wilder book that she wrote, "Ambition is a good servant, but poor master." My rough game plan now is to gather information, talk to people, tie up lingering projects, and then give my life some serious thought during the days I'll take off the week that school starts.

I still haven't planned whatever trip or activities we'll do that week, but I have a far-away fantasy that it can include Yosemite National Park. Few things uplift me more than the beautiful outdoors, and we have so much of it here! Now that's being smart.

8/3/2011

8/2/11 Humiliation

I heard an interesting story on NPR yesterday about humiliation. It's something I'd given thought to since reading the book Unbroken, a story about an American POW in Japanese camps. The things that the Japanese guards did to humiliate their prisoners were harder on them than the beatings and physical abuse, because it eroded their will.

Th NPR story was about a new book out about humiliation and the author's study of it. Why we revel in Others' humiliation. It's overall an interesting concept, and broadens what we think of as humiliation from typical embarrassing situations to more subtle ones.

I disagree with the author's stance that humiliation requires a 3rd-party observer however. He says "I don't think there can be humiliation unless there is a spectator observing it and registering it as shame and bringing the news elsewhere." He's wrong. There can be humiliation with just two people present, if one party has absolute power over the other. Ask any woman who's been sexually assaulted.

I was glad for this insight to explain the swath of of miserable, self-defeating, angst I suffered this afternoon after yet another work incident this afternoon. How can I get SO upset about something at work? Really, who cares?

There's a new project at work that is right up my alley, I've kept in touch with the guy running it, I've raised both hands saying I want to do it, I'm qualified, motivated, I have the time. The project is within my group and skillset and my manager is all for my doing it -- lemme at it.

But Mr Horrible wants someone else to do it, one of his hand-picked guys. The hand-picked guy said in a staff meeting that he doesn't know what to do -- so Mr H suggested that anyone in the group could offer help -- and then named everyone except me. I knew better, I stayed silent.

I was fuming all afternoon until some technical email discussion came up and I started to get involved anyway (if it's in writing I can ask questions much more easily), even talking to The Chosen One about it, who's bright but inexperienced. We agreed to meet tomorrow to kick off the project.

Then I got the email: Mr. H is adament about excluding "all others" from this project. Which means, me. He'd called for volunteers, but then when he hears I've volunteered, he shuts it down.

Thanks to the radio show about humiliation, I can identify the emotion. I was furious, frustrated, felt undervalued, felt left out. It's humiliating to be set aside like I'm worthless, even if I know that's only one person's opinion. It's not about respect. The American POWs were continually humiliated by Japanese guards they loathed and had no respect for, but their superior position allowed them to force the prisoners to perform humiliating acts.

This is a minor case, but that's what's been going for months: systematic, subtle, insidious humilitation, designed to drive me out. Eliminate all opportunity for me to contribute, learn, excel. Today's episode is the most egregious case.

Is it even worth attempting to demonstrate this old-style form of punishment to HR? He knows very well that HR can't mediate or judge on technical matters. He could claim that I'm needed on another project, and they can't tell if its busywork or not. He's just barely technical enough to know what work has a future and to make darned sure I stay out of it and that his guy goes into it. It's possible he even knows how much I like my work, how good I am at tackling a new project with enthusiasm and tenacity, and that's the number one thing he can take away from me.

I've invested so much in this fight that it seems like I'm giving up to say "screw this" and just walk. Not to mention giving Mr H the satisfaction, he'd like nothing better. He'd win. Am I big enough to live with that?

I always take it hard when I can't work on a fun new project, but this has an element of evil retribution. It is "humiliating" -- and I can use that word more easily now -- to be left out from my team, even by someone no one respects but who still holds our purse strings and uses them like marionnette strings.

I think I need to buy that book on humiliation, to understand it and know how to react to it. I appreciate the radio article about it, because it all fits and makes me feel less bad about myself for feeling so bad. I'm not just disappointed about not being able to work on a new project -- I'm humiliated. No wonder.

8/2/11

p.s. I wish my father were here. He was so insightful and able to pull out what's important. I remember him musing once with regretful amazement how much stock women put into their work, how darned much it meant to us, how we weave it into our identities. That gave me quite the insight into how men and women see their work differently. It's true -- how would my job look to me if I knew my family depended on it? Would it be easier to brush off the BS if I knew what mattered most was the paycheck? Or would I decide that my "job" was just to do what my idiot boss said?

8/1/11 Little friends

Such a shame rats have such a bad name. If someone could breed a rat with a fluffier tail and call it something else, every kid would have one. Their claws are sorta sharp too, but that's in the noise.

These girls are getting plenty of love and attention!


I too got to play with a friend tonight -- coffee with a very longtime friend who moved to North Carolina about 7 years ago and is back here visiting family. A nice break from reality!

8/1/11

7/31/2011 Tanks!

Saturday, we got a tour of the Military Vehicle Technology Foundation museum -- one of the largest private collections of military vehicles in the world -- which mostly means a whole lot of tanks!

The absolute coolest Dad I've met -- who homeschools his 2nd-grader (how many dads homeschool?) -- organized this tour for other homeschool kids. I met this Dad when Julian was in pre-K -- his son and Julian were friends -- he's a lawyer who's originally from Taiwan, but decided to homeschool his son when he entered kindergarten.

Gabriel claimed no interest (sucker -- he'd have loved it) and Katrina is still too young, so we found a highly overqualified (but skilled and very nice) nanny to mind Gabriel and Katrina while Dave and I took Julian. It was a pretty drive on windy hilly roads into the depths of Portola Valley, onto private property where we parked amongst 4 massive metal sheds housing hundreds of American, German and Soviet tanks -- and even a few from Switzerland and Sweden. Who knew the Swedes made tanks?


The tour was 2-1/2 hours and covered 4 huge warehouses filled with tanks, and so much information transpired I can't begin to recall, let alone write it. I didn't take notes so I'd get the technical information wrong too.


But it was fascinating, and I learned a lot more about WWII history. Not all tanks were WW-II era but most of the interesting stories about how designs were cobbled together or didn't work, came from that era. I also learned a lot I didn't know I didn't know about explosives, munitions and combat. Lots of these tanks just plain didn't work right and were deathtraps for their users, and it only took the guys driving them a few minutes to figure that out what pie-in-the-sky designers safe at HQ couldn't figure out.

The famous American Sherman tank (on the left), with a German Panzer (I think) on the right, that was far superior in every way except one: the Germans didn't make as many of them.


The business end of the Panzer.


1936 Japanese gun. Note the rifling in the barrel.


The tour included 4 enormous sheds filled with tanks, jeeps, some motorcycles, amphibious vehicles, and even an enormous Scud missile launcher (which somehow I didn't get a photo of).


The tour guide knew how to deal with kids, especially a group of inquisitive question-peppering homeschoolers, and gave them lots to do with handling real (de-armed of course) guns.



Kids were also allowed to climb in some of the tanks.


This cat named Hitler followed us for some of the time. I took this photo to show my Mom, who had a favorite cat as a child named SchickelGruber -- Hitler's original name.


More wildlife peeking through a window.



The tanks in the sheds are all restored, but they arrived at this facility looking more like this one.


A fun, fascinating afternoon! We brought Julian home and left again to go out to dinner -- we had a sitter, why squander the opportunity? She was great; unfortunately she's moving in a few months. She's a part-time nanny and is used to younger kids, and younger kids who are so used to nannies that they're not used to entertaining themselves. Our kids are notoriously self-entertaining -- she said she didn't know what to do with herself. Katrina kept her entertained much of the time though, by changing into a dance outfit and "performing." Gabriel also impressed her with his piano-playing.

Today, Sunday, my goal was to go nowhere, do nothing and see no one!! And I did it!!

7/31/2011