2/12/08 The Blues

Last night I was tormented by dreams of a contractor sternly telling me I couldn't have what I want. In real life, the (potential) contractor is the nicest guy in the world, but his preliminary estimate of the cost of our project has us reeling, and considering moving again. Moving has its own problems and costs, and I've invested a lot of heart and soul into my new kitchen. My new kitchen. So I don't want to move, but we should do our due diligence once again.

So at a time when I'm feeling intense financial pressure, I'm also starting to really miss being home and doing Mom things. Parks, playgroups, classes...and now the pull to be with Katrina is the strongest. She's in a really good phase right now, full of cute sounds and exploration and making a leap to true toddlerhood -- including all the good fun things about that phase of life (which of course is also filled with things that aren't good or fun).

On top of it, suddenly I have new pressure at work too, adding to stress about taking time off. And, I still consider running to be on hold, not over, and when I can resume that, it'll also take time. Glorious, fun, beautifully spent time, but time. Ankles allowing, that is.

(I let myself run two-tenths of a mile on the treadmill yesterday, and completely felt it in both ankles later. It takes nothing to inflame this again! But the physical therapist I've been seeing doesn't think it's hopeless, I just have to lay off, really lay off, for a long time.)

One thing I really don't like about work, and almost resent, even though I created the situation myself, is that when I get home with my little brood, I have to kick right into gear and have no time to just be with them. I have to tell them again and again, "Oh, sorry sweetie pie, can that wait until my hands aren't wet?" Or "I can't look at that right now, I'm making dinner, can you ask Dad later?" It's Cats In The Cradle (Harry Chapin) all over!

I did find a little time tonight to open one last birthday gift for Gabriel, from cousins Aidan and Remi. It's brilliant, combining Gabriel's two top interests right now: Snap Circuits and piano: a Snap Circuits kit that records music! He was thrilled, and said several times, "Man, I am SO lucky!". He wasted no time building the recording circuit, then using it to record 4-second segments of piano.

(THANK YOU Engels! SOMEHOW I'll find a moment to get Gabriel to write a thank-you note in Gmail.)

Katrina, meantime, was airing out a nasty diaper rash, having a grand time sorting through a box of jeans we just received today (most of which will have to go back, since the Levi's 4 Regular jeans I got for Julian fall off his skinny little rear end). The cuteness and exuberance doubles each day (well, except when that poor sore bum needs wiping...ouch).


I want to work, but I don't want to have to work. I want time with my children, but I want time at home alone. I don't want to triple our mortgage debt, but I don't want to live in this house the way it is anymore. Something has to give. And I'm no good at decisions.

2/12/08