2/8/09 The Behavior

Today when I picked Gabriel up from the CDC, one of the teachers needed to talk to me about yet another infraction of Gabriel's: he'd just hit a kid who'd been Gabriel aside and reviewed with him what he's supposed to do in that situation (tell the kid to stop, tell a teacher, move away), and he knew, but he had no explanation for why he didn't do those things.

Then another teacher came over and said she too needed to talk to me about Gabriel attacking a kid with a hockey stick outside. I asked again if this was in play or aggressive, knowing the answer already with a sinking heart, and she said that while they're all playing around and of course hockey sticks tend to hit things, she felt what he did was out of line, going after someone for some reason she didn't see and he didn't care to explain.

Next, Gabriel's Friday Folder included a note from his teacher that said she'd been having the same problems with him in class as the CDC had been having -- and she wrote that before his two infractions this afternoon!

What's going on here? If it were any other kid, I'd think something were bothering him and causing him to lash out. That's possible, but that's really not his style. There is rarely any Deeper Meaning to his actions, rarely any chain of events that ties them together. It's usually in the moment and for the moment with him.

I thanked the CDC folks, and told them they have my full support in whatever consequences he has to deal with (no hockey for a month? Fine!). I explained that we know all too well how he can dish it out, we're not about to say this is odd behavior for him, though it's new that he's starting to act out so consistently around others.

So he got a Stern Talking-To tonight. Dave and I pulled him into the living room alone, which had a big impact as compared to sitting at the dining table with Katrina (who got a windfall of chocolate cookies for the occasion). He frowned and went between acting defensive and outraged and angry, but clearly didn't like being put on the spot. We told him in very firm, slightly angry tones, that he is absolutely not allowed to hit. I went through with him what his alternatives are, and he dutifully repeated them. We also told him that next time the teachers tell us he hit, he'll lose a highly-held privilege (Sunday TV, BMX park). Then some of the talks and readings I've attended over the years feebly kicked in, and I tried to be empathetic, telling him that we understand other kids make him mad sometimes and can be really annoying.

I'm not sure any of this sank in. Mostly, he didn't like the immediate situation, and even started to talk back and protest these talking-tos ("This is the THIRD TIME you've done this to me!" he said angrily). The formality of Dave and I sitting with him intervention-style was just enough to intimidate him -- this time. But did it do anything to stop the behavior? I doubt it. Kids are impulsive, and Gabriel has little empathy or fear to keep his behavior in check. His strong sense of order and rules is the best we have to go on. Maybe he has to get the cr*p beat out of him to connect that his big mouth and skinny little body are a bad combination.

It won't be long now before his first trip to the principal's office.

2/8/08