Monday, June 06, 2011

6/6/2011 Standing Up

I had a really nice, relaxed weekend overall...but in other ways, it was very dark.

I'm haunted by the evil I face at work, and then mega-haunted by how it haunts me. First, I get intensely frustrated at being criticized for things I was doing well, because I was doing them, and well. I was also dogged by the irritation at hearing a coworker say he stands up to Mr. Horrible about relatively benign things (such as Mr.H's total disregard for people's time, always being late, demanding people go to things with little notice) -- but I don't dare to do that after being accused of insubordination. I can't stand it, but my (male) coworkers' observations of sexism might well be true.

Then it bothers me that I'm thinking about this on a weekend at all. Don't I have more important things to worry about? Such as my errant sons, grieving my father, cleaning out the garage, scrapbooking? Yes, of course. But isn't there a point at which I have to accept that the way I am is the way I am, and that I have a hard time releasing my mind and spirit from intense unresolved situations, and that my mind spins on them, occasionally arriving at an answer?

My friend Amy from college, who sadly I have not seen since college, even though I was a bridemaid at her wedding, posts to Facebook:

"You've got enemies? Good, that means you stood up for something in life."

I can't explain exactly why that appeals to me so much, but it does say something. Many people in this world suffer, and make their families suffer with them, because of a closely held principle. My situation isn't nearly as extreme as standing up to the Taliban, but it has elements of that, and certainly the family suffering is part of it. And me too -- I know rationally that my ridiculous work situation doesn't deserve more than one brain cell firing of thought after 5pm, but unfortunately, the way I'm wired, I just care too much about things being done right. For some reason, my friend's quote hits home.

But tomorrow, I really will set aside principle for the things I know are more important -- it's the last day of school, and I'm taking the day off to pick up the boys and celebrate their passage to 2nd and 4th grades!


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