Monday, July 18, 2011

7/18/11 Wrap-up

A black day for me. It's clear the work problem is here to stay, and I have just learn to live with it, or leave.

The bigger problem is within myself. Why do I care so much? How can I let this cancer eat away at me? Why can't I compartmentalize, put it in perspective, set it aside? Why can't I adapt as others have; accepting the futility of resistance and settling for "good enough" -- do just enough to make the proper appearances, and get real work done under the radar. Why does staying silent when I disagree or see something done wrong feel so wrong, why can't I learn to live with that? Why don't I "just leave" ?

Today at least, it feels like a lose-lose. Leaving is retreating from a situation I overall really like and am unlikely to duplicate elsewhere. Turning into a sheep burns at my very core; speaking up and pushing for what I think is right is one of my few assets.

I know the best approach is to take this as a learning experience and find a way to rise above: to work effectively, despite my Director's efforts against that; and to continue to build solid relationships with others. And try not to get frustrated and feel like a victim: I didn't start this. This man got away with unprecedented verbal abuse, yet I was the one who ended up under the microscope.

And most of all, have faith that the truth will come out. That faith has been seriously rattled -- nothing substantial has come from my efforts to escalate and publicize the problem, except directing much unwanted scrutiny at me. 10% of my angst tonight is about the loss of that faith; the other 90% is just that I can't turn this OFF like I know I should.

OK, one more day of futile fretting, then it's time to do some emotional damage control!


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