Tuesday, December 11, 2012

12/11/12 Communication troubles, redux

Well, my last post was quite the stepping-out! But cathartic....I guess. Finally, a tiny peep into my REAL world. Somehow, dishing publicly makes me feel a little less alone, less isolated, less misunderstood....and a little less guilty about leaning on just a very few very kind understanding people. (and you know who you are!!)

I've always believed that in the end, the truth comes out -- but that "end" seems so so far away. Meantime, the high road has been an impossibly steep climb.

Not surprisingly, yesterday's exchange didn't end there. This morning I got another text message from dad, quoting yesterday's blog post (he's reading my blog?!)

Shall we tabulate and balance our "designated, rightful, precious, unfettered time with them"? If so, after the Dec.30-Jan.6 ski trip we should have no problem with a few hours at the museum. Please just let me know how you wish to coordinate this accounting so this will be easier in the future. Thanks."

Frankly, I really have no idea what that means....at worst it almost looks like a veiled threat to withdraw agreement for a ski trip I'd planned last August -- before he moved out -- for the kids' Winter Recess. At best...well, I really don't know.

But what's really striking -- to me -- is the ridiculing overtone created by "quoting" my heartfelt adjectives. How is it that quotes do that? "....rightful, precious" -- somehow the quotes add a sneering, condescending tone. I'm sure to outside eyes, I'm overblowing it. But not to his. He knows how to hurt me. I should be really used to having my feelings jeered at by now, but so far, I'm no better at brushing it off than I ever was.

The problem with our exchanges are so subtle, so pervasive. It's such a challenge describing to people what I'm truly up against. Without actually seeing the words, it's nearly impossible to convey the problems. Other people's views, opinions, advice, guidance, have always fallen just shy of seeing the actual words.

I'm sure I see and feel them more deeply than anyone. We certainly understood each others' language from the very beginning....arguably, it brought us together. A good friend told me once, with sardonic irony, that what brings people together initially often ends up being exactly what drives them apart. That was never more true than here.

Is it right for me to post his texts here? The breach of privacy weighs on me. No more so than because he violated my own privacy so deeply, so frequently, in so many ways, to so many people, in so many forums. So I'm very very sensitive to that. It's wrong. But I guess this one last time I can rationalize it by saying that right now, it's called for. I'm so tired of suffering in silence. I don't know how else to convey what I'm dealing with.

Regardless, I don't expect our communications will remain "private" for long. I'm searching for a way to convey facts and negotiate exchanges in a supervised, monitored, moderated, public forum. I think that's the best remedy to these painful, counterproductive exchanges: having someone ELSE intervene and tell us both what's right and what's wrong to say and do. I think a set of ground rules need to be established, and a neutral party enforce them. "Counseling" was already proven an abject failure -- I'm not interested in communicating my feelings beyond: "Stop involving the kids in our conflicts." I can't seem to persuade him of this -- perhaps someone else can.

But I well understand that these p*ssing matches are about as interesting to you all as knitting discussions, so I won't torment you all much more with them. And there's so much more to life than this -- I'm certainly ready for that!


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