What a way to start the first day of what feels like a marked change in my life: with a dentist appointment. I was filled with anticipation and dread, feelings cycling up and down every few minutes, and was in no mood to sit patiently in a dentist's chair.
I know from experience that it will take a few weeks before I'm in the swing of things, and that the huge tumble of mixed feelings about this job will settle down. I was looking forward to it in many ways, but my heart sunk too when I saw the same old building in the same old place with the same old work. Paradoxically, I've been away from it long enough that much of it is new, but I was with it for so long that it all seems like old hat too. Old hat I'm not very good at right now.
Moreso, I was struck with what it was like to be back in an office. Do people really think and care about this stuff all day long? Was I one of them once? Can I ever be one of them again? Haven't I been one of them all along, on a temporary hiatus? Or am I truly done with that life? Or is my concept of that working life skewed because it's all been at the same company for the past 10 years, and I'm ready to move on? I was ready to move on before Gabriel was born, and somehow knew that that was my way out. It's ironic that this same company seems to be my way back in.
Today, I worked until 3:30pm, and went straight to pick up Katrina, then the boys. We got home at 4:50pm -- that's well over an hour of driving to pick everyone up and get home. Not to mention the morning dropoff. Yikes!
It worked well to have everyone home at 5 though, and to have had dinner basically planned, if not done. Last Sunday, I prepared three "entrees," and have a stock of TJ's things in the fridge, which I guess constitutes a menu and a plan. But the midweek trips I did with Julian and Katrina after picking them up to Target and Whole Foods and such aren't going to survive the change. Which means: weekend shopping. I hate that.
Katrina was wasted tonight, and couldn't recover from a semi-choking/coughing fit at dinner. While I paced her around, wiping her mouth, offering her milk, and trying to decide how serious this little fit was, Julian tried to make obnoxious sounds and cause trouble. But Gabriel wouldn't bite. Instead, he looked on with great concern, apparently thinking of ways to help, and finally said, "Mommy, why don't you go put her to bed?"
And I did. But this meant leaving the boys unsupervised for dinner, which meant, you guessed it, a lot of trouble and no eating dinner. I couldn't leave Katrina alone in the bath, so I called them to come upstairs. They joined her in the bath, and Dave came home to find everyone fed (sort of), and well into the bath-bed process. And it wasn't even 7:00!
There's a small group of people at work who sporadically go running at lunch, on a 4-mile route along a levy. Flat, but dirt, perfect for running. That's not enough to keep me in shape for the PG&E trail, but it's better than nothing. And most of the group are men -- I might actually have to run fast if I join them, and that could be a good workout. Once again, I don't quite know how to work the time in, but I have to believe that things will somehow fall into place.
I have no photos, it was too dark when we got home. Sniff.