5/1/08 Ms

Massive, monstrous, miserable, mortifying, mean....migraine.

Tonight injury was added to insult when I bent down to pick up some pasta stars from the kitchen floor, and the silverware drawer popped open. As I stood up, >>>bang<<< on my forehead -- the worst thing that can happen to a headacher. I crumpled in agony on the floor, crying out in pain. But then something remarkable happened.

Katrina, mid-fit herself about the horror of just having had her hands washed, stopped her fit, cocked her head and came right over to me, pushing my hands off my face. Intently fascinated and curious, and perhaps even a little concerned, she pushed me into a full sit on the floor and plopped herself on my lap, then pulled my hands around her waist, something she only ever does in the beginning of music class. She kept looking up at me, talking to me, watching me closely, not letting me change my focus off her and back to myself. She wasn't scared or upset by my distress, it was more like she was aggressively trying to stop it.

It reminded me strongly of how I reacted during a memorable moment in my life, when I was 13 and my parents sat us down and told us they were separating. My mother started to cry, something I'd pretty much never seen, and I went right over to comfort her. But even then I knew then I was really comforting myself, because my mother showing the slightest sign of humanity rocked my world -- she had to be my strong immovable pillar or I couldn't live. Katrina's response to my moment of weakness seemed very much the same -- not fear, not sympathy, but rather: "you can't be like this, this doesn't exist."

The boys' reaction to my stress is very different. Gabriel pretty much never notices or responds. Julian acts puzzled, he watches me with wide eyes and asks me what's wrong, but I can usually put on a happy face and distract him ("oh I just bonked my head...hey, where's your new car?"). I was totally unprepared for the strength of Katrina's reaction; she was almost forceful, and would not be put off. Fascinating, these children are.

[ Later addendum: Dave points out that since she was interrupted mid-tantrum by my unfortunate encounter with a drawer, her behavior toward me was more likely a way to re-direct attention back to her....that seems quite right! ]

I had some real highlights today: a run at Rancho, where it was just beautiful, and a nice outing with my Mom friends, some nice moments with the kids. But thanks to this vicious headache, it came out as a really tough day. But again, thanks to my willful toddler, the headache won't be the most memorable thing about the day.

5/1/08