Monday, November 20, 2006

11/20/06 A big headache day

This morning, I was at Stacey's house for a visit, and somehow ended up staying later than I expected. It was around 2pm, and I had a vague sense that I was supposed to do something, but I had a bad headache and couldn't think straight. In fact, I think I fell asleep. Stacey left at one point, saying she needed to take Cassie to an exchange, but the hint didn't register. Reality swirled around my head, eluding me. It was like one of those ultra-high-pitched fire alarms was blaring in my ears, shooting searing pain through my head. Sleep was the only escape. I woke up on Stacey's couch at 6pm, and I realized what I was supposed to do: I'd forgotten to pick up Gabriel and Julian! Could that be?! I was horrified! Then Dave arrived with Katrina and the boys to get me, and I was beside myself. He's never going to trust me again, how could I have done that! But those were just brief moments of mental clarity through the haze and fog of the pain crushing my head.

Then I woke up.

In my own bed, in my home, with my baby sleeping peacefully in the bassinet beside me. Dave had taken the boys to preschool/pre-K, it was only 9am, I hadn't forgotten to pick them up, and I hadn't grossly overstayed my welcome at a friend's house. I was overcome with relief.

But the one thing that was still true was the sense of a fire alarm blazing in my ears, and my head swimming with intense, sharp, cruel waves of pain. I'd incorporated my headache, now on Day 4, into a "fear dream," much the way people incorporate the sound of a clock alarm into a dream. The pain was the same as I'd gone to sleep with, dreamed in, and ended up battling all day long. Not to mention fighting a cold and cough. These are fights I lose every time.

For all the misery this last pregnancy put me through, the one oasis was from the chronic multi-day headaches I've suffered since age 13. And now without the protection of pregnancy hormones, they're back. This headache dogged me all day, making every moment a miserable struggle and once again robbing me of chances to enjoy my children.

Katrina didn't help today. Since 3pm, she's slept no more than half an hour at a time. It's mostly been short little naps, and she is way overtired and grumpy now because of it. Or, just as likely, whatever is preventing her from sleeping is still bothering her, something tummy-related no doubt. Even now, she keeps waking up and we keep either giving her back the pacifier, or pulling her out of the bassinet and playing with her until she starts to cry again 10 minutes later.

A lot of her awake time today was happy, fortunately, and much of it spent being entertained by -- and entertaining -- her brothers. I'm glad I can trust Gabriel around her, and sort-of trust Julian.

Julian means well, he's just clumsy and...well, two years old. But they both love it when she smiles at them, and exclaim that they made her laugh.

A short still-camera video of Gabriel tenderly consoling and entertaining Katrina this afternoon. For some reason, YouTube cuts off the last 3 seconds, when Gabriel comments about the cat on her shirt.

Pray for me that this brutal headache storm breaks tomorrow.


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