Tuesday, November 20, 2007

11/20/07 The preparations start

A relief today, I got to pick Katrina up from Tonya's instead of Melissa's, though Melissa still had Katrina, just at Tonya's.

Ironically, this meant I left work earlier today, since now I could actually have a little time at home alone before the big mad scramble. I wasn't sure to do with this 40-minute time windfall, and potential tasks swirled around my head as I drove home. Finally, I told myself to just sit and scrapbook, just because I feel like it. The other stuff...it'll get done.

Indeed, since Thanksgiving is coming up, I have a lot of preparing and cooking to do! So I put the boys on KP while Katrina happily scribbled with a pencil.

(Does anyone else notice a little safety problem here?! GEEZ Mom, peelers, pencils -- why don't you just hand them an open flame while you're at it?!)

I'm still so torn about work. In so many ways, I'm enjoying it now, since I'm getting ramped up. But that seems so indulgent, as what I'm doing really isn't all that important to the world. Whereas what Melissa and Gabriel's teacher and Julian's caregivers do actually really matters.

Then I miss my children, then feel guilty about not missing them, and then at home feel guilty for not spending focused time with them. They're all in pretty good moods lately, especially Katrina. I have to wonder if it's all the attention and care they're getting from the pros. Quite different from the hanging-around I do with them, in which I interact a lot, but rarely sit and focus.

Though it might make me wonder what my value as a mother is, I am awfully glad that they're all pretty happy with the arrangement. Well...I'm not 100% sure about Gabriel. He's so adaptable and isn't one to complain, but he gets a lot more into pest mode in the evenings now, and I miss his joyful moments of telling me how glad he is to be home after school. He's the one I feel by far the worst about being away from, whereas Katrina is thrilled with whatever's around her. Julian...hard to say. He's still in honeymoon phase with the new place (new to him, anyway).

But more and more, I know that I want to work, and that I want to work on my own terms. This job is a perfect stepping-stone toward that. I'm encouraged about my idea about becoming a contract tech writer. According to some tech writer friends and an engineer contractor at my company, tech writers with an actual tech background are few and far between and in demand. It will take some time to establish myself, so, first things first: get my engineer side back up to speed, then start looking into making the shift. The current situation is unsustainable long-term (too much driving and early-getting-upping!), but it's an investment, one that I hope will allow me to call my own shots in some years. Such as, being able to pick up my little clan from school at 2:45.

For now, I'm really looking forward to the upcoming holidays at home with everyone. I can thank work for that too.


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