Saturday, April 02, 2011

4/2/2011 Cloudy day

We've had a most remarkable heat wave here recently. Like over 85 degrees the past 3 days! It's rarely that hot in the summer, let alone the tail end of March.

Today was a little cooler and a little cloudier. I'd had such a bad week that I wanted to take it easy today, except for the boys' activities. We've given up on Katrina's dance classes, she's just not into it.

Julian is motivated in Kung Fu though, and his new white belt status puts him in a different part of the class. They learn sequences of moves that are beautiful, like choreography. I watch this with envy and joy! This video is Julian learning the last 4 positions in a longer sequence that he practiced again and again all afternoon.

This Kung Fu is a good thing.

After Kung Fu, it was time to get Gabriel to his first soccer game. This is his 3rd scheduled game, though first actual game -- the first two were rained out.

Though soccer is more interesting to watch, I found myself missing baseball. There was no Opening Day ceremonies, no celebrating new teams, no corny reciting of Little League statements, no national anthem, no corn, no tradition, no getting choked up. Just show up for the first game.

I brought Gabriel to the game half an hour early for practice, then left just before the game started. A week of single-parenthood has turned the grocery-shopping situation urgent. I left Julian to watch the game and dashed Katrina off for a quick trip to Trader Joe's.

I returned to watch the last 10 minutes of the game, where I saw Gabriel as goalie again. His team was better than the other team, so most of the action was at the other end of the field. At times he seemed so bored he was just playing with the net.

Julian and Katrina meantime played on the long jump course.

The game ended, and apparently Gabriel's team had won, 8-2. Gabriel's coach told me he'd wanted to be goalie the whole time.

Gabriel told me he'd done very little as goalie, because his teammates were so good and most of the action was at the other end of the field. I asked him why he wanted to be goalie the whole game, and didn't get much of a coherent answer. He said neutrally that the other kids on his team were "bigger" than he was, but when I pressed, it seemed the real problem is that he knows they're much better than he is. While he needs the peg-taking-down, I told him that he won't ever get better unless he actually plays! Gabriel being Gabriel, he seemed unfazed by it all, but I was disappointed. He's wimping out by hiding at the goalie post. An important one, to be sure, but not for the whole game.

I don't know .... while he likes the physical action and competition of soccer, I'm not sure he's up to the teamwork and skills development he needs to keep up with his teammates. I hope he is. This could be a valuable experience for him. And it's pretty boring to watch your kid in a game when all he's doing is standing around!

I spent the day in a fog, barely smiling, still semi-traumatized by work this week. It was one of the worst weeks my group has ever had. For me it was capped off with a humiliating one-on-one with my hated boss (not my immediate boss who I like a lot), who smugly forgave me for my past "insubordination."

Insubordination. Can you imagine? We're talking Silicon Valley engineering here, not the Japanese military. What could in American company culture could possibly constitute "insubordination?" Apparently "I think this software product's Java interface is outdated" and "Let me be clear -- I'm not negative on the project -- I just think it won't suit our needs" qualifies.

It's hard to explain, even to myself, why I can't just shrug this off. I'm haunted today, even a Saturday, with the incredibly uncomfortable and stressful experience to be alone in a room with someone who has total power over you and other people you care about. It won't happen again. It's very clear that it's time to leave. But today, I still have to shake off the fury of having had to sit and fume and be insulted, or quit my job then and there. I don't back down from confrontation, but apparently I don't embrace it either. Standing up for myself could only have been done in one way: "F*** you, I'm out of here." I'm increasingly angry with myself for not having done the only right thing. I wish I could put this behind me, but the very passion that is key to my doing well at my job torments me when I'm not on it.

Tomorrow: go the Y, work out, and ground myself again in what's truly important.


No comments: