11/13/07 The Designer

Did I complain yesterday about having to get up at 6:30am? That was sleeping late compared to today! Gabriel, out of sorts from his few days in a later time zone, woke up at 5:45am today. That woke Julian, who started whiny noisy crying. That woke Katrina, and it was pretty much all over from there.

Since Dave was taking the day off today, my Plan had been to get to work really early, since he could take Katrina to Melissa's (Tonya's today, actually, they swapped). But my early Plan didn't include missing a crucial hour of morning sleep, nor several boy argument interventions. The early start perversely turned into getting to work later than I'd planned, and from 7:15am on (when I arrived at work), my sorry rear end was dragging like a plow in a muddy field. I can't believe how tired I was today.

But I can believe it, since I've been much more tired in the past. Painful was it was, it was superficial tired, since it was only one day. Not months, like I suffered when Gabriel was a baby.

And, if I was really dying, I could always have taken a nap. As a network engineer, no one's life depends on me. Baby moms, on the other hand....no way. So as beat as I was today, I'm here to report: going to work tired is still much, much, much easier than the ravaging wastedness of chronic sleep deprivation that comes with babies.

But you know, something else I find I really miss from being at work: the cute factor. There is just no "awwww" in my day.

Tired as I was, I found the energy for our appointment with our new kitchen designer, Anna at AS Designs. Once again, I left feeling confident we're in good hands, she has a good handle on all sorts of things I'd never think about -- including the kitchen sink.

Gabriel got knocked in the eye by some other kid's elbow today, and boy does it look bad. His eye is half-shut from the big blue puffy area above his right eye, poor kid. (It was a hectic evening, so no photos.)

I'm still so torn about work. Every minute is another swing. I like the grownup time and not being distracted by the kids for a few hours. A whole side of me is coming awake again, remembering what it's like to have a sharp mind (it's a vague and decidedly unsharp memory, and I'm a long ways from it, especially today), remembering what it's like to talk to (pretty much only) men all day, and the direct and nontangential way they communicate. At the same time, I miss my children, I miss being home, I miss having flexible time, I miss YAKKING with my mom friends. Though some of my best yaks have been with men, on the whole, men can't YAK the way we do! I like the predictability and control (I can get coffee when I feel like it), but I miss the variety in the day (hmm, low on vanilla, perfect excuse for a trip to TJ's).

And I miss the "awwwww....".

One mitigating factor is that there's a small, sporadic lunchtime running group, but also, a smaller and more sporadic, and partially intersecting, workout group. My hyperactive colleague has a mini-gym out on the back loading dock, a cart with weights, mats, jumprope and a few other things. So, I availed myself of this today and actually did a weights workout on the loading dock out behind the building! Yeah, there were a few delivery truck drivers that did a double-take ("did that insane woman make a wrong turn on her way to the gym?"), but on the whole, it was worth it. I was so tired it was essential to keeping my energy up. That said, I still suffered pangs of guilt, since an hour lifting weights on a loading dock is an hour I could be home with my children. And I'm off the clock, so it's costly. But then, so is my frail sanity.

Said frail sanity will get bolstered tonight by an indulgence in looking over some house design books and dreamily imagining my future.

11/13/07