2/25/08 Check Engine

I'm not a huge fan of the show Home Improvement, but I do remember a funny scene in which Jill (the wife) casually mentioned a lighty thing on her car's dashboard. Her car-geek husband Tim cringed and asked what it was, and she said Oh I don't know, the oil light or something? He was mortified and said WHAT?! How long has it been on? Oh I don't knew, a few days? she answered. He buckled over like he'd been kneed in the nuts, groaning about women and cars.

I determined at that point I wasn't going to be like that. This morning driving to work, a "Check Engine" light came on, so I called Dave right away. If nothing else, I wanted to document the event, as I'm likely to forget anything these days (poor Katrina had no shoes today, for instancE). Dave said it could be any number of things (even a loose gas cap), he'd check it at home.

But I didn't have to worry. It took Gabriel all of 2 minutes to notice it, from the back seat: "Mom, why is there a light that says Check Engine?" I have to tread lightly in these situations, as Gabriel takes car trouble as seriously as his father. It's frightening sometimes to see how similar they are, right down to their skinny flat square rear ends.

Dave was probably smarter as a kid though. Gabriel got into serious trouble tonight, all escalating from not doing his pre-dinner chores. Each step of the way is another warning, another consequence, another carrying-through, then him reacting, leading to another warning, another consequence....it's exhausting. It went from losing cookies (I put his plate of cookies in front of him and took away one at a time for each rude obnoxious statement) to getting kicked out of the dining room, not leaving, being warned he'd have to go upstairs, still refusing, being warned he'd get dragged upstairs and spend the rest of the night there, refusing, warned he'd get dragged upstairs for the rest of the night and spanked, refusing, then that Dad would do it and do it much worse than I would, still refusing. I don't need to add that his refusals weren't silent, they were usually accompanied with obnoxious rude talk and threats that would make a sailor's blood run cold. I was feeding Katrina (quite successfully, she hasn't been eating well lately and was on a roll with a bowl of broccoli) and couldn't leave her long enough to implement.

Finally I was able to carry it out the physical parts of the consequences and dragged Gabriel upstairs. You'd think he'd back down then? No, of course not! He knew he had nothing to lose at that point, so on the way upstairs he shouted, "I'm going to PUNCH you, Mom!" And to think, I was horrified hearing Hillary's 6-year-old daughter retort that she'd take her mother's jewelry! Once again, I felt caught between spanking him at all, and not doing it soon enough -- and, the risk that he'd continue to escalate and then I'd really have no recourse. But this time, the smack did the job, and he finally, finally backed down. That still wasn't it for the night, he gathered himself for a few more skirmishes, but he was also sad about being upstairs alone.

I used those moments as opportunities to sit and talk to him quietly about making choices (tempting as it was to say "Well, SEEE?? it's your own damn fault!!"). I have to keep it simple, so I ask him why he was sent upstairs ("for being rude") and then ask him who's crying now ("me"). I doubt even this basic statement of facts sinks in. Thank goodness they don't happen very often anymore, but he can tap his deep reserves of conflict tolerance at any time. The backbone on that kid....it's downright unnerving.

Too bad he didn't realize that Julian got to go with Dad to the auto parts store to get antifreeze for my car, and help Dad "fix" my car -- now THAT would have sunk in! Nothing is nearer and dearer to their hearts than "helping" Dad fix a car!

Meantime, this unusual dispersion of boys meant I had some peaceful playtime with Katrina. I love sitting on the floor and playing her favorite game, in which she "hides" behind me and laughs when I can't find her. (Warning: grandparent-quality video here, but it's short):


Fortunately, Dave and the boys will keep a close eye on the antifreeze level in my car. That's serious business in the Doudna household.

2/25/08